A lil fic in which Gideon showers with her clothes on, changes in the dark, applies her face paint out of a manual, and doesn’t touch herself ever. Well. Hardly ever.
HtN spoilers ahead!
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A bit anticlimactic, if you ask me, after slaying brain melting horror bees and swimming right out of hell, for my next great big challenge to be trying to figure out how to take a dump in a prudish little nun’s body without compromising its modesty.
Not to put too fine a point on it or anything, my sombre bathroom break micromanager, but you really didn’t stick the landing on this one. You had a letter for basically every contingency, like you had one for if God sneezed really hard and blew out the sun, I’m pretty sure, and then mine was basically just ‘fuck you, return to sender’. You just went and parked your porsche in my landing pad with the blasters still on and didn’t even bother to leave the DRY CLEANING ONLY tag on the upholstery. I had to come up with a virtue-preserving game plan all on my lonesome, you know.
And I’ve been such a good girl, Harrow, you’d be proud. Well, at least you’d be such an unexpectedly small, tiny, miniscule, astonishingly negligible amount of pissed off that it’s basically pride at that point, right.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a logistical nightmare. Ever tried to shower in multiple robes plus what I must assume are, like, pantaloons? The sonic flaps it all the fuck around, and let me tell you, getting spanked by heavy Ninth vestments is now officially off my kink list. Now, the other option is wet dog trapped in straightjacket, and I’m not too keen on that one either. But I stuck with it. It takes like 20 minutes, no joke, to struggle out of all your stupid layers in the dark, with my eyes closed, without touching any of your most hallowed skin. But I’ve got a knack for it now, you know? If I ever get the chance to get a lil frisky, maybe with a hot ghost or something I don’t know, I can totally impress her with my wild 100% contact free striptease skills.
What I’m saying is, I’ve been such a super duper chaste and meticulous and ephemeral little make believe nun it’s like I was never even here. So you gotta take that into consideration, Harrow, when you pass your terrible judgment once I tell you how I’ve sinned.
“I was always better than all of you—and none of you noticed—nobody ever notices, which is both my virtue and my downfall. How I hate being so good at my job …You noticed, didn’t you, you horrible little Ninth goblin? Just a bit?”