in the hellish alternate universe where tlt is a shitty cishet ya series, the first book is called “a house of bones and blood”. gideon is a cis man and harrow is marketed as a “feminist prince zuko redemption arc”. griddlehark make out during the pool scene but harrow still can’t get over her feelings for palamedes, who explodes later on in the book to save harrow from cytherea. camilla, the Strong Woman Character, breaks down and cries and loses her sense of purpose. in book 2, “a house of spirits and secrets”, cis man ianthe manages to capture harrow’s heart, to the ire of palamedes and gideon’s ghosts, until the end of the book when jod breaks ianthe’s evil spell on harrow. camilla returns to bring harrow to blood of eden, the evil terrorist rebel group that all of jod’s lyctors joined. jodybeth is the only canon queer pairing but it’s not confirmed until after they both die in the final book, “a house of love and loyalty”. harrow escapes blood of eden and fights off the villainous camilla (who hates harrow out of jealousy for palamedes being in love with harrow and not her), who then tries to kill gideon, who has come back to life completely intact for no reason. jod fights off camilla and then dies to save his son gideon, who then becomes emperor and seamlessly unites the nine houses and blood of eden. the series ends with gideon and harrow’s marriage and the birth of their infant son who is set to inherit the entire universe and can already form a perfect kidney. imperialism is never discussed or even recognized by the author. all of the characters are white except judith and camilla. the series is a number one new york times bestseller for three years in a row. it immediately gets greenlit for a netflix series.
You leave me no choice
this might be the worst thing that I’ve ever spent an hour and a half unleashing on the world yet
