I also think a lot about how like ortus was one of the only potential cavaliers who knew exactly what it meant to be one. it would have taken away his own joys in life and he would have been forced to inhabit a role he hated and eventually it would have led to his death and he KNEW that and he still apologizes for not being there for harrow and it’s kind of like. He was trying to escape his death cult when it threatened his life! Harrow and Crux were preventing people from entering or leaving! yeah harrow was a child in the death cult but it was genuinely a him or gideon situation and he apologizes it wasn’t him! anyway I do often think about being a random 30 something trying to find some joy in the death cult and ultimately being killed by it and THEN making the best of the afterlife too