she’s the saddest boydyke in the world. she died so her lover could eat her but she in turn refused to. she had a tense confrontation with her dead mother who wanted to slaughter her on an altar to the antichrist and who was haunting the corpse of a woman she’d fucked. she was resurrected by her deadbeat father god. she used to daydream and pray for glory and a family and now that she’s got it she hates it. her only friend is the pathetic codependent washed out sister of a girl she’d wanted to fuck. i didn’t say her name but she popped right into your head didn’t she
[image id: two versions of a drawing of gideon nav and harrowhark nonagesimus from the locked tomb book series. harrowhark, about a head shorter than the other girl, is standing besides gideon, looking angrily to her left. gideon is looking down at her. harrowhark has brown skin, almost black brown eyes, and black hair. she wears several pieces of bone earrings and piercings. she has on a black undershirt adorned with her ribcage chest piece, teeth necklaces, and a spiked collar made of bone. she wears a darker black cloak with bone adorning the rim of its hood and a bone clasp. her hand is just barely poking into the frame, showing her fiddling with a bone rosary. behind her, gideon has on a similarly colored black cloak lacking harrow’s bone adornments but with a similar bone clasp. underneath the cloak she wears a lighter black sleeveless shirt and jeans with a studded belt. on her wrist she wears a bone spiked gauntlet, the beginning of it visible in frame. gideon’s skin tone is a slightly lightered and warmer brown tone than harrows. her hair is red, and she has a pair of black sunglasses on that obscure her golden eyes. the background is red, with a yellow-white shadow of the girls’ figures framing their left backside. behind that shadow there are line drawings of bones of the same color. the only difference between the two images is the skull face paint; the first image shows both girls with it on, the second without it. end id]
you know what i DO want to talk about? that scene on top of the truck where nona’s arguing w varun, and varun asks “do you love?” and nona says, “yes - no yes. i don’t know what it means. i say it, but i dont know what it means. did i ever know what it meant?” which is truly heartbreaking to hear from a character who’s spent the entire book up until now loving most everything she lays her eyes on with nearly reckless abandon.
and fifty pages later - after paul’s birth (pyrrha saying, “it’s not love, what you’re about to do. it’s a mistake.” being almost immediately replied to with, “the perfect friendship, the perfect love.”/”life is too short, and love is too long.”), and kiriona’s interrogation (”okay. different question – do you love her?”), a near constant barrage of “what does love really mean?” and “what is love?” and “what would love make you do?” “what lengths would you go to for love?” when she’s already struggling with the idea of knowing if she’s felt love at all - she very nearly gives in to that despair, the lack of certainty that she knows what her feelings mean and that she’s allowed to feel them. she’s mourning, and she’s not able to reach pyrrha through her grief, and everyone else she’s with is more broken than she’s ever seen them before. but then paul reminds her of noodle. and nona, in a moment of lurching panic, decides to live, if only just to save noodle.
to me, that’s a devastating moment of raw, human love. it’s like that moment in alien (1979) where ripley’s about to abandon ship, and then goes back when she realises jones (the ship cat) is still on board. nona was ready to let them all die, hopless and lost and sad, every one of them– but noodle, a sweet yet unimportant pet, is what brings her back.
and i think that’s what make’s paul’s statement of, “it’s done, it’s finished. you can’t take loved away.” hit as hard as it does. she’s just had this crisis of faith in her own personal belief system of loving-things-for-the-sake-of-loving-them, only to have it reaffirmed, and is now facing the abyss of personhood, facing returning to a self who was hurt and was deeply angry, going so far as to say, “i’ll be different…and palamedes – i won’t love him…i won’t love anything, i won’t know how.”
paul says, “don’t worry,” (even though she just explained why she was worried), “we loved you too,” because maybe nona’s right and she won’t know how to love anymore, but she needs to know that she did. she did love, and she was loved, and there was never a doubt in anyone elses mind that she loved them fully and completely and genuinely. maybe she thought she was faking it, maybe she thought she was just making it up, but it was real, and now it’s done, and no one can take it away. no one.
[Image description: A drawing of Kiriona Gaia from The Locked Tomb. She is in profile, facing right with a hand on her chest. She has a chest wound with bone fragments in it and a cut on her throat. She wears a bone crown and a white unbuttoned coat. End description]