my take on the programming for mercymorn’s 24 minute funeral:
- 00:00 to 00:30: greetings and hellos.
- 00:31 to 1:00: viewing of the body.
- 01:01 to 02:30: gideon’s funeral speech. he can say whatever he’d like, but it cannot be longer than a minute and a half.
- 02:45 to 05:00: john’s funeral speech. pre-written; time is allowed for 25 seconds of free-styling at the end.
- 05:15 to 08:34: the playing of landslide by fleetwood mac. mercy hated this song, and hated every time john tried to play pre-resurrection music for the gang; she included it in her funeral so that john can never listen to it again without being reminded of said funeral and her continuing deadness.
- 09:00 to 12:00: cremation and mourning. if augustine doesn’t cry, someone is required to pinch his arm until he does.
- 12:01 to 20:00: the afterparty. mercy has calculated exactly how much alcohol is required to get each attendant perfectly wasted, and requires beverages to be consumed at intervals specific to each individual to fulfill this. limes MUST be cut prior.
- 20:01 to 20:45: john’s drunken teary speech. not pre-written, but gideon is required to cut him off at the 45 second mark
- 20:46 to 22:30: attendants must go beyond wasted and into blackout territory.
- 22:31 to 23:30: augustine’s speech. not pre-written; john is required to cut him off at the 1 minute mark
- 23:31 to 24:00: formal goodbyes
- 24:01 to infinity: mercy’s continuing deadness