2021-12-16 5:21:45 ¶ ●

i’m thinking about in GtN when isaac (defensively) is like “we’re not canon fodder, the first thing i learned was was wards” and jeannemary (later) talking about her and isaac’s big families and saying “you need spares in the fouth” and im thinking about the…. idealistic, in-denial, indoctrinated experience of thinking that you are valued and protected, because you were raised to think there is honor in Blind Fidelity, and Death For The Emperor, and so you want to believe you are more than just scrap or bodies, but you aren’t. and you know that and everything around you (the size of your family, the ubiquity of orphans, the fact that you were convienced post-humerously in a vat womb from banked genetic material, it being a common jibe to say that upon enlistment you should be issued a medal of honor and a coffin) is showing evidence that you are in fact nothing more than meat for the machine. thinking about issac and jeannemary trying to enlist in the cohort at 11 and being denied on age grounds and at 12 and being denied for mumps (but not age!!). thinking about abigail and magnus protesting it, saying they were too young, but in reality being mostly powerless to stop their enlistment. thinking about harrow (in the HtN coffee adept AU) and gideon (in GtN) both being horrified and disgusted by how young they are. thinking about that.