2022-05-12 8:38:14 ¶ ●

thinking abt Harrow and grief and HtN as a book as very much a sort of grieving……. wish fulfillment? Harrow is told by so many people that she needs to accept that Gideon is dead, that her denial and refusal to Deal With And Process Gideon’s Death not only hurts herself, it insults and wastes Gideon’s sacrifice.

and Harrow isnt only told this by people out self interest. like. yes John, and even Ianthe, want Harrow to Digest The Soul for their own likely selfish goals. but she’s also told this out of love and care. Magnus and Abigail tell her to move on, because Gideon is dead and Gideon would have wanted – and does, very actively want – Harrow to live and “go full lyctor” and survive and let Gideon die. their advice is very loving and also extremely real. this is realistic advice that grieving people get all the time, and like, in the real world it is not… wrong? it’s good advice coming from a place of love and care.

but it’s also not what you want to hear as someone embroiled in grief. Harrow does not want to hear it. and not only does she says say no to all of them, she is rewarded for it? she was right. she did all these things and ignored every piece of loving advice and she saved the soul of her beloved. and in the real world if you do that you fuck yourself over, you fuck the people who love you over, etc etc etc. And while Harrow is not having fun, she is proven to on some level have made the objectively correct choice. which is just… wish fulfilment. because that’s what you want, ya know? everyone says the right thing and you know it’s the right thing, but it feels wrong and bad and impossible and you’d rather set the world on fire. anyway.