im obsessed w the moment at the end of HtN, where John is like “There is no forgiveness”. bc I think that is one moment where he’s not lying –he personally doesnt believe in forgiveness. he’s been on a 10,000 year long search and destroy mission, a revenge mission, and i wanna know WHAT he can’t forgive nor forget after 10,000 years.

it’s not BOE, bc he didnt even know they existed for the first thousand and because I believe if he wanted to, John could have wiped them out on his own long ago. and if he couldnt do it alone, his planet murdering lyctors could have done it. he seems to view them as a weird distraction he entertains when he’s bored. it’s not the ressurection beasts, because he has nothing to fear from them and seems to just? have his lyctors fight them as some kind of twisted pumpkin-in-a-tiger-cage kind of enrichment. it’s not alecto, because john loves her in his extremely John Like (derogatory) way. so what IS IT……

my current thought is 1) somehow related to the initial die off before the Resurrection, and 2) maybe related to the River and the clog and maybe what’s beyond it. rattling the bars of my cage until nona comes out