Listen not to be a dumb millennial but sometimes your homegirl clicks on the news and has no fucking clue what is going on. Just no fuckin clue. They spewing off namedrops of aging white sameface syndrome politicians and I can’t tell anyone apart. Half the time I click off the page and patiently wait for a bootleg John Oliver Clips youtube channel to help me digest my world events with a spoonful of dry humor and the several degrees of objective separation provided by a British accent. I need Colbert to associate the faces of people involved in corruption scandals to melted muppets or alt-universe 78 year old macaulay culkins just so I can remember who’s who. If my bad news isn’t layered with a crisp glaze of ironic this-is-fine standup I just won’t fuckin process it. Thick thighs. Blank eyes. Who the fuck is the name in this headline.