29-Jul-15 6:33:58 AM ¶ ●

As we celebrate the yearly harvest of Team Sweet Bro & Hella Jeff amongst company and sun in the fine vineyards of California, we wine tasters decided this was a fine time to review last year’s batch of products. God’s great year of twenty-fourteen was certainly something! From the coveted Homestuck Shipping World Cup collection, we present to you three of our favorites from the cellar.

MAIN ROUND ONE: BUTTERFLY EFFECT - Selected only for the drama it caused as it burst onto the wine scene, this drink takes some background knowledge to appreciate. A cyclical parody of itself and other wines in the early 2014 summer season, the taste on the tongue leaves a sweaty residue and a milky sheen. The tagline says it best: It keeps flappening, indeed.

IT KEEPS HAPPENING — THE WEB EXPERIENCE TO LAST A LIFETIME - Perhaps the most simplistic of the Team SBaHJ wines, this unique alcohol brightens up the day and makes you drunk upon consumption. On the tip of the tongue it brings back memories of going to the sock hop and dancing to the smooth baritone of a glitching David Bowie, while in the back, it always tastes a bit different every time you drink. Feel lucky if you get a sip of this beauty– it was hand squashed by the sweaty feet of a real life pirate.

SBAHABJ : THE MOVIE X # - Crafted by the greatest minds of our generation, this wine is not for the faint of heart. A drink for the mature palate, one which leaves behind a hint of dark chocolate with a texture that trickles down one’s tongue like the finest blood. Stick around for the surprise ending that seemingly crawls out the back of your throat. Also worth noting, the designer labels were commissioned from an anonymous artist and are well coveted as miniature wall pieces.

This bottle won the championship for best wine in the world. A sip is a must!

A toast to a new summer, a new season, and a whole boot full of new memories. God bless us, every one!