01-Jul-15 5:42:15 AM ¶ ●

## Vriska Serket and the Double Ironic Twist Meta Joke

This is an AU of my Underworld AU! If you haven’t read the WHOLE fic John Egbert and the Fall of Man, this ficlet won’t make ANY sense! Don’t even click on the readmore, seriously, you’ll be spoiled.

You wake up in that totally boring dream again. In that totally boring hilly field full of windmills your brain makes up for you. With that totally boring, boring, BORING guy again. Snore. You wish you could fall back into sleep again. Double sleep? Dreamless sleep? Whatever!!!!!!!!

He’s sitting next to you in the grass, in your old Scorpio shirt and skinny jeans and square glasses (when you thought they were cool! Ugh, past-you sucks!), and looking totally not attractive at all. Totally not attractive. Like you’d never ever want to tear those jeans off his legs, and then fuck him, and then shave said legs in a bathtub while you’re both naked, and then fuck him again. That is definitely not one of your many weird fantasies you’ve had about him in these past few days, no sir.

John winks at you, then takes a strand of your hair and tucks it back behind your ear. Which, eugh, romance, but you tolerate it because you want to be handed those pair of gams and a Gillette razor on a silver platter and go to fucking town.

“Hey Vriska,” he says, and he’s very clearly attempting to turn up the charm to eighty-eight. “I’ve got something important to tell you.”

You brush his hand away. “It can’t be that important, imaginary friend who is imaginary! But tell me anyway, I want to hear.”

“God, you are so in denial! It’s really cute.” He laughs. “Anyway, I’d like you to help me with a really great prank I’m going to play on my friends! I’ve been gone a long time, like, a loooooooong time-” He pauses to wiggle his eyebrows at you after using your trademark vowel extension. What a dork. “And I think it’ll be really funny if you and me, as a team, gave them a surprising what-for! Are you down, or are you double down?”

“Well, that would depend on what kind of prank we’re pulling, dream boy!”

“Trust me, it’s a lot of fun. They all think I’m dead, so it’d be funny if I sprang out of the jack-in-the-box of life to see them?” He pauses. “Wait, no, this honestly isn’t that funny. I think I just want to… see my friends again.”

He looks sad, so you give him a very strong pat on the back. Oooo, those shoulder blades, woof. He makes this ‘guh’ noise, and then continues talking.

“But it’d be really fun for you, Vriska! You’d get a whole lot of my power and stuff as part of the prank, and I think you’d have a great time using it.” He pauses to point at your nose, joke-sternly. “You have to be good though.”

You clasp your hands together, like you’re begging. “Oh, John, I proooooooomise to be good! What do you need me to do?”

“I’m going to make you a god.”

“Awesome! Sign me up!” you say. Dream or not, gods are baller. “How do I start?”

“Easy! You just have to fall in love with me!”

That makes you start. “What?”

“You see, I’m the god of storms, winds, and-” he pauses to take a deep breath, then sighs out the word, “-love.”

“God of love. God of. Love. Seriously?” you say, deadpan. You put your hand on his shoulder, then say with a stern voice, “John, I’m sorry. Feelings are for losers. Romantic love. Is for losers. It’s the truth.”

John looks horrified. He physically recoils away from you. “Oh my god. You actually can’t fall in love… How can you… How can you not like-” he rainbows his hands out, and shitty dream sparkles fly through the air. “-romance?”

“Don’t know, don’t care. Any way for me to be a god besides for falling in love with you? Because I really don’t see that happening. Ever. And being a god sounds, like, the coolest!”

“Well, you can have any kind of love for me, it doesn’t have to be romantic. And as soon as you get feelings, whabam! My powers become yours! But there isn’t really time to develop a deep friendship, not before your big pole dancing show.” He taps his chin, thinking. “Or, hey wait, I have another idea! You can ‘love’ me in a different way. You do like… this, right?”

He’s swift when he kisses you, and you expect him to knock his head against yours with how fast he goes, but to your surprise he’s so very gentle when you meet. Almost infuriatingly so. He’s slow, teasing, never deepening the kiss, and you make the worst sex noise ‘peep’ of your life when he lowers his hand.

“I promise, I’m really good,” he whispers, grazing your lips. “The best, even.”

He is good. You’re getting tingles already.

24-Jul-15 3:20:13 AM ¶ ●

I might post it tonight or tomorrow? idk yet

get hype though. i shore am.

24-Jul-15 5:21:41 AM ¶ ●

Let’s dance to Joy Division/And celebrate the irony/Everything is going wrong/But we’re so happy [x]
(tfw you’re drafted into your gf’s holy army)

Chapter 1 of Genesis is up!

(Important: This is the finale to the Underworld series! If you haven’t read all of the Underworld fics, you can’t read Genesis. If you just want to read some Daverezi, why not begin with Dave Strider and the Bat Out of Hell?)

26-Jul-15 10:33:19 AM ¶ ●

Carved your name across three counties/Ground it in with bloody hides/Their broken necks will line the ditch/’Till you stop it, stop it/Stop this madness/I want you [x]
(tfw your objectively hotter past selves have a decadent blood orgy with your gf and no one invites you)

Chapter 2 of Genesis is up!

(Important: This is the finale to the Underworld series! If you haven’t read all of the Underworld fics, you can’t read Genesis. If you just want to read some Jadekat, why not begin with Jade Harley and the Rise of the Underworld?)

29-Jul-15 6:33:58 AM ¶ ●

As we celebrate the yearly harvest of Team Sweet Bro & Hella Jeff amongst company and sun in the fine vineyards of California, we wine tasters decided this was a fine time to review last year’s batch of products. God’s great year of twenty-fourteen was certainly something! From the coveted Homestuck Shipping World Cup collection, we present to you three of our favorites from the cellar.

MAIN ROUND ONE: BUTTERFLY EFFECT - Selected only for the drama it caused as it burst onto the wine scene, this drink takes some background knowledge to appreciate. A cyclical parody of itself and other wines in the early 2014 summer season, the taste on the tongue leaves a sweaty residue and a milky sheen. The tagline says it best: It keeps flappening, indeed.

IT KEEPS HAPPENING — THE WEB EXPERIENCE TO LAST A LIFETIME - Perhaps the most simplistic of the Team SBaHJ wines, this unique alcohol brightens up the day and makes you drunk upon consumption. On the tip of the tongue it brings back memories of going to the sock hop and dancing to the smooth baritone of a glitching David Bowie, while in the back, it always tastes a bit different every time you drink. Feel lucky if you get a sip of this beauty– it was hand squashed by the sweaty feet of a real life pirate.

SBAHABJ : THE MOVIE X # - Crafted by the greatest minds of our generation, this wine is not for the faint of heart. A drink for the mature palate, one which leaves behind a hint of dark chocolate with a texture that trickles down one’s tongue like the finest blood. Stick around for the surprise ending that seemingly crawls out the back of your throat. Also worth noting, the designer labels were commissioned from an anonymous artist and are well coveted as miniature wall pieces.

This bottle won the championship for best wine in the world. A sip is a must!

A toast to a new summer, a new season, and a whole boot full of new memories. God bless us, every one!