12/07/2016 00:30:05 ¶ ●

## A Whole Bunch o’ Crying Kids

Here’s some facts no one asked for or wanted:

People cry 62 different times in Homestuck; 51 of these times are from the players. 17 times were mourning someone’s death.

Of the players:

John cries a grand total of 6 times over the entire comic (although one of these times was in the Reader’s imagination). 3 of those times were con air related.

Karkat is tied with John for most tears, and possibly comes in first for saddest kid ever, also crying 6 times. 3 of those were because his friends were dead.

Jake only cries 5 times, although 2 of those were off panel and only mentioned in the pesterlogs.

Kanaya cries twice for real and three times insincerely.

Terezi cries 4 times, one of which is only mentioned in the pesterlog, and may or may not have cried two other times. (is it blood or tears? both? does it count as once or twice when it’s the same memory but two different dream bubbles? who knows? not me.)

Dave cries 4 times, and none of them are actually because he’s sad.

Jane cries 3 times.

Roxy cries 3 times, one of which is only mentioned in the narration.

Jade cries once as her waking self and once (possibly twice) as Jadesprite.

Meenah cries twice.

Tavros, Rose, Sollux, (Vriska), and Gamzee cry only once.

Dirk only cries once, and only in scribble mode.

Eridan never cries, but his eyes water once in Alterniabound and 3 separate times in Reterniabound.

Caliborn is SAID to have cried twice by the narration, although neither of them seem likely.

As for the non players:

The Reader cries 3 times at the majesty of Homestuck.

Hussie cries once on-panel and once off-panel.

Grandpa Harley, PM, ARquiusprite, and Ms. Paint each cry once.

Several Prospitains cry at Jake’s funural.

And finally, Hussie and Rose apparently use the tears of one thousand Imaginary Magicians and Imaginary Occultists, respectively.

I’m not really sure why anyone would want this information, but here it is for all your sadstuck needs.

12/07/2016 16:06:41 ¶ ●

polyglotplatypus:

> i just spent 3 hours counting every single fuck ever written in homestuck to make this chart
> thats more than 2500 fucks

12/07/2016 16:07:54 ¶ ●

polyglotplatypus:

> t3r3z1off1c14l:

> > I saw @polyglotplatypus’s chart for how many times each character says fuck (only characters with more than 20 fucks were used) and wondered, how /frequently/ do they swear? Because obviously characters with higher word counts have more opportunities to say fuck. By dividing OP’s chart and these numbers from https://m.reddit.com/r/homestuck/comments/4ev3gb/final_character_word_count/ I calculated the Percentage of Fuck for each character! Turns out Gamzee says fuck most frequently!

> > Also have some charts and numbers!

> look guys, another nerd!

14/07/2016 23:10:31 ¶ ●

## How Ironic That This Very Post etc., etc.,

At least one horse (or similar alien creature) is visible on 355 different pages, including games and flashes.

Going by page count, that means that roughly 0.04% of Homestuck is made up of horses.

15/07/2016 02:48:06 ¶ ●

## Homestuck Deaths Part 1: Graveyard Stuffers

This would hardly be a Homestuck statistics blog if I didn’t count all the deaths, so hold on tight, here we go, starting with the main 22 players:

Each character is treated as their Ultimate Self, so for example, Davesprite dying counts as Dave dying. Deaths from other timelines were not counted unless they was explicitly mentioned or shown, so this list does not include every random ghost we see.

Starting from the top:

Beta Kids:

John:

1. Killed by Typheus In Davesprite’s timeline (mentioned here, shown here)
2. Stabbed by Jack on his quest bed
3. Stabbed by Jack again
4. Killed by baby Jane’s meteor in the Scratch Universe
5. Forked by Meenah in a dreambubble
6. Forked by Meenah again in a different dreambubble
7. Blown up by Typheus in the RetJohn Timeline
8. Soul trapped in the House Juju, which may or may not count as death

Rose:

1. Faded into oblivion in Davesprite’s timeline, which may or may not count as death
2. Killed by Jack after going Grimdark
3. Blew herself up on her Sacrificial Slab to create the Green Sun
4. Forked by the Condesce in the Scratch Universe
5. Forked by the Condesce in the Game Over Timeline
6. Killed by unknown means and subsequently raised by Jane
7. Soul trapped in the House Juju, which may or may not count as death

Dave:

1. Killed by the Draconian Dignitary after creating a doomed self
2. Killed by Jack after creating a doomed self
3. Shot through the Jack by Jade
4. Stabbed by the Draconian Dignitary in a dreambubble (also the only dreambubble death with blood!)
5. Blew himself up on his Sacrificial Slab to create the Green Sun
6. Killed by the Condesce with his own Sword in the Scratch Universe
7. Stabbed by both PM and Jack in the Game Over Timeline
8. Blown up by Typheus in the RetJohn Timeline (as Davesprite)
9. Soul trapped in the House Juju, which may or may not count as death

Jade:

1. May or may not have died in Davesprite’s Timeline
2. Died saving John from Prospit’s moon
3. Blown up by the Courtyard Droll and taken to her Quest Bed
4. Forked by the Condesce in the Scratched Universe
5. Reenacted the Wizard of Oz in the Game Over Timeline
6. Stabbed by Davepetasprite^2 in a dreambubble
7. Soul trapped in the House Juju, which may or may not count as death

Alpha Kids:

Jane:

1. Killed by baby John’s meteor in Universe B1
2. Stabbed by Jack
3. Couldn’t escape the Miles
4. Killed on her Sacrificial Slab by Jack English
5. Stabbed with Dirk’s Sword by Aranea in the Game Over Timeline
6. May or may not have been killed by the Condesce

Jake:

1. Shot by baby Jade through Bec in Universe B1
2. Killed by the Courtyard Droll with peanuts
3. Killed(?) in a dreambubble by Aranea
4. Killed on his Sacrificial Slab by Jack English
5. Forked by Jane in the Game Over Timeline
6. Stabbed with Dirk’s Sword by Aranea in the Game Over Timeline
7. Gunned down by Crowbar

Roxy:

1. Killed by Jack in Universe B1
2. Couldn’t escape the Miles
3. Killed on her Sacrificial Slab by the Condesce
4. Forked by Jane in the RetJohn Timeline (Thanks for the correction, @anri-ideas!)

Dirk:

1. Stabbed with his own sword by Jack in the B1 Universe
2. Ripped his heart out as Brobot
3. Decapitated himself
4. Killed on his Sacrificial Slab by the Condesce
5. Too high Fakeness Attribute as Brain Ghost Dirk
6. Consumed by Glitches in the Game Over Timeline, which may or may not count as death
7. Soul trapped in Li’l Cal as ARquius, which may or may not count as death
8. Gunned Down by Spades Slick
9. Possibly Killed by Jack English
10. Decapitated by Dave

Trolls:

Aradia:

1. Killed by Vriska through Sollux
2. Killed countless times by Jack
3. Blown up after her Dreamself Ascended
4. Killed on her Sacrificial Slab by Jack
5. Smashed by a meteor in a doomed timeline

Tavros:

1. Killed with his own lance by Vriska
2. Cut in half by Jack
3. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline
4. Exploded

Sollux:

1. Killed by the Vast Glub
2. Killed by Jack on Prospit
3. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline
4. Half…Died??
5. Half-died again but now there’s two of him because RetJohn?!?!
6. I don’t even know figure it out yourself

Karkat:

1. Killed by Jack
2. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline
3. Possibly killed by Gamzee in another doomed timeline
4. Killed by Jack in a doomed timeline
5. Forked by Jane
6. Thrown into Lava by Gamzee in the Game Over timeline
7. Killed by Lord English in a dreambubble

Nepeta:

1. Killed by Jack
2. Killed by Gamzee
3. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline
4. Exploded

Kanaya:

1. Killed by Jack
2. Killed by Eridan with Science
3. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline
4. Killed by the Condesce in the Game Over timeline
5. Killed by unknown means and subsequently raised by Jane

Terezi:

1. Killed by Jack on Prospit
2. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline
3. Killed by Jack in a doomed timeline
4. Forced to stab herself by Aranea in the Game Over timeline

Vriska:

1. Killed by Aradia and then brought to her Quest Cocoon
2. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline
3. Stabbed by Terezi
4. Exploded

Equius:

1. Killed by Jack on Derse
2. Killed by Gamzee
3. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline

Gamzee:

1. May or may not have been killed by Jack on Prospit
2. Chainsawed in half by Kanaya; may or may not have died
3. Cut in half by unknown means; may or may not have died

1. Soul trapped in Li’l Cal, which may or may not count as a death if he wasn’t dead already

Eridan:

1. Killed by Jack on Derse
2. Chainsawed in half by Kanaya
3. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline

Feferi:

1. Cut in half by Jack
2. Killed by Eridan with Science
3. Killed by Gamzee in a doomed timeline
4. Exploded

Cherubs:

Calliope:

1. Stabbed by Jack
2. Predominated over by Caliborn
3. Killed by Echidna in a doomed timeline

Caliborn:

1. Predominated over by Calliope in a doomed timeline
2. Soul trapped in Li’l Cal, which may or may not count as death
3. Most likely killed by Vriska

15/07/2016 06:32:25 ¶ ●

## Homestuck Deaths Part 2: Green Torsos (plus some others)

Here we go with all the non-main character deaths in Homestuck, including the Felt, Carapacians, Beforans, meta characters, and pets.

As before, deaths are only counted if they are specifically shown or alluded to. People whose fates are uncertain like GHB don’t count.

Starting with the Beforans:

Damara:

1. Killed by the Condesce in A2
2. Blown up by Meenah

Rufioh:

1. Blown up by Meenah

Mituna:

1. Killed by the Vast Glub in A2
2. Blown up by Meenah

Kankri:

1. Suffered in A2
2. A detonation was triggered by Meenah

Meulin:

1. Exploded, courtesy of Meenah

Porrim:

1. Died in A2 in slavery at least, probably killed by Dualscar
2. Take a wild guess

Latula:

1. Hanged in A2
2. Never smelled it coming

Aranea:

1. Killed by the Summoner in A2
2. A 8ig fucking 8om8
3. Dropped into Lava

Horuss:

1. They all died here okay

Kurloz:

1. Every single one

Cronus:

1. Killed by The Grand Highblood
2. Oh look. Cronus died on this page too.

Meenah:

1. and thats glubbin that
2. Killed by Damara
3. Killed with Dirk’s sword by Roxy (as the Condesce)

The Felt:

Doc Scratch:

1. Reverse Calvin and Hobbes

Itchy:

1. Killed by Sick

Doze:

1. Blown up

Trace:

1. Blown up

Clover:

1. Unknown, but dead in the new timeline

Fin:

1. Gunned down by Diamonds Droog

Die:

1. Killed by Slick

Crowbar:

1. Unknown, but probably killed by Slick

2. Decapitated by Slick

Stitch:

1. Stabbed by Slick

2. Stabbed by Slick

Sawbuck:

1. Decapitated by Slick

2. Decapitated by Slick, but a different version

Matchsticks:

1. Unknown, but probably killed by Slick

2. Killed by Slick

Eggs:

1. Eaten by Hearts Boxcars

Biscuits:

1. Blown up

Quarters:

1. Unknown, but probably killed by Slick

2. Stabbed by Snowman

Cans:

1. Unknown, but dead in the new timeline

Carapacians:

Jack Noir:

1. Pulled Pin, unknown (A2)
2. Killed by Vriska in a Doomed Timeline (B1)
3. Gunned down by Quarters (A2)
4. Decapitated (A2)
5. Decapitated (B2)

Draconian Dignitary:

1. Unknown, but dead in the new timeline (A2)
2. Killed by Dave (B1)

Courtyard Droll:

1. Unknown, but dead in the new timeline (A2)
2. Killed by Jack (B1)

Hegemonic Brute:

1. Unknown, but dead in the new timeline (A2)
2. Decapitated by PM (B1)
3. Decapitated by Dirk (B2)

Black Queen:

1. Killed by Jack (B1)
2. Shot by Slick (A2)

Black King:

1. Killed by Jack (B1)
2. Killed by Vriska (A2)
3. Blown up by CD (B2)

White Queen:

1. Killed by Jack (B2)

White King:

1. Killed by Jack (B2)
2. Blown up by CD (B2)

Wayward Vagabond:

1. Killed by Jack
2. Destroyed with LOHAC in the Game Over timeline

Aimless Renegade:

1. Killed by Jack

Animals:

Halley:

1. Unknown, but later stuffed by Grandpa Harley (B1)
2. Killed by the Condesce (B2)

Maplehoof:

1. Killed by baby Dave’s meteor (B1)

Jaspers:

1. Killed by Colonel Sassacre’s Daunting Text

Rambunctious Crow:

1. Killed by Dave

Lusii:

1. Aradia’s Ram Lusus: Killed by Vriska through Sollux
2. Tinkerbull: Caught under Tavros’ four-wheel device
3. Bicyclops: Killed by Sollux under the influence of Mind Honey
4. Crabdad: Killed by Karkat’s exploding computer
5. Pounce De Leon: Cave-in
6. Mother Grub: Old Age
7. Terezi’s Dragon Lusus: Meteor
8. Spidermom: Killed by Vriska
9. Aurthour: Fell off a cliff
10. Goatdad: Unknown
11. Seahorsedad: Unknown
12. Gl’bgolyb: Unknown

Minor Characters:

1. Dad: Killed by Jack (B1)
2. Colonel Sassacre: Shot by baby Jake
3. Liv Tyler: Exploded
4. Shaggy 2 Dope: Cut in half by Dave
5. Violent J: Decapitated by Dave
6. Guy Fieri: Killed by Rose
7. fedorafreak: Bled out on his Quest Bed
8. Nektan Whelan: Killed by an unnamed cherub
9. Mierfa Durgas: Killed by an unnamed cherub

Meta-Characters:

Hussie:

1. Killed by Lord English as Robotic Author Avatar
2. Gunned down by Lord English

MSPA Reader:

1. Too much self-indulgence
2. Too much self-cest
3. Too much weird plot shit

Rufio:

1. Killed by Captain Hook

17/07/2016 01:11:05 ¶ ●

## Homestuck Deaths Part 3: The One With the Actual Statistics

There are 211 deaths of named characters in Homestuck, plus however many aradiabots and ghosts died.

The only characters who never die in any form are Ms. Paint (Thanks @internmarce, I can’t BELIEVE I forgot her), PM, Serenity, Casey, Bec, GCat (Ambiguous ending for sprites and ghosts notwithstanding), and possibly Squarewave, Sawtooth, Vodka Mutiny, and Li’l Seb. And Jane’s dad, depending on whether you consider him a version of John’s dad or not.

On average, each character dies about 2.37 times.

The main 22 players, however, die an average of 5.18 times each.

Also fun fact: 16 people get decapitated in Homestuck, and only 2 of them are Dirk. The other 14 are: Jack Noir (2), Hegemonic Brute (2), Draconian Dignitary (1), Crowbar (1), Sawbuck (2), Black King (1), White King (1), Aimless Renegade (1), Violent J of ICP (1), Spidermom (1), and Hussiebot (1).

Dave is responsible for 5 of these.

[Part 1] [Part 2]

Some crappy graphs under the cut

Dirk dies more than anyone if you include splinters, but if you don’t, that honor goes to Dave.

Jack (unsurprisingly) kills more than anyone else, causing almost ¼ of all Homestuck Deaths.

The main cause of death in Homestuck is stabbing (big surprise), although explosions were also popular.

18/07/2016 02:17:44 ¶ ●

if anyone has any requests, please ask because I’m pretty much just tallying up whatever random things I can think of whenever I think of them, which leaves me with not that much of a queue

19/07/2016 03:52:23 ¶ ●

## How many times the word irony/ironic is used in the comic.

This one was pretty easy, so here you go!

Irony is mentioned 146 times over the course of the comic (including games), plus 6 times that were from repeat pesterlogs.

Breakdown under the cut!

Dave: 45 mentions (plus 2 repeats)

Dirk: 21 mentions (plus 2 repeats)

Caliborn: 12 mentions

Hal: 11 mentions (one was as ARquiusprite)

Rose: 10 mentions

Jane: 8 mentions

Jake: 6 mentions

John: 6 mentions

Terezi: 5 mentions

Roxy: 4 mentions (plus 2 repeats)

Hussie: 4 mentions

Karkat: 2 mentions

Vriska: 2 mentions

Equius: 2 mentions (plus the aforementioned ARquiusprite one)

Eridan: 2 mentions

Jade: 1 mention

Kanaya: 1 mention

Brobot: 1 mention (in the narration)

Draconian Dignitary: 1 mention

Calliope: 1 mention

Aranea: 1 mention

19/07/2016 23:10:56 ¶ ●

## I don't quite understand the Dubious Death thing on your stats. What does that refer to?

That was referring to the deaths i had listed in part 1 and part 2 as “may or may not count as a real death.” Like a character’s soul getting sucked into a juju, or when Dirk was consumed by glitches in the game over timeline. Plus all of Gamzee’s deaths on account of the whole “never dies” thing.

20/07/2016 11:45:04 ¶ ●

holy shit this blog has 10 posts and 102 followers what happened?

21/07/2016 03:46:33 ¶ ●

## Show Them Your Stabs

40 different things and people are stabbed or sliced 218 times by a Jack, not including however many various carapacians Beta!Jack stabbed during his rampage. 153 of these times were the wall Alpha!Jack used to keep track of how long he was in prison.

Beta!Jack stabs 19 things/people 22 times.

Alpha!Jack stabs 8 things/people 170 times.

Sgrub!Jack stabs 11 things/people 24 times.

Cherub Session Jack stabs 2 different people once each.

22/07/2016 06:34:26 ¶ ●

## Wasn't John also killed by terezi with the jetpack that one time? :0

When I compiled this list, I was only saying who the actual killers were. So that death I had down under “Typheus” as the killer (Well, “other” on the graph). I’m going to do another list at some point that will break that down better, saying how many times each character killed vs. how many deaths they were responsible for, but it’s going to be a bit before I finish that.

22/07/2016 06:42:55 ¶ ●

## We're so starved for homestuck at this point but also slightly ashamed so we can only enjoy it in the context of Science. Thank you for the Science.

You’re welcome for the Science.

23/07/2016 10:21:02 ¶ ●

aperfectexampleofsarcasm:

> so i was looking through few old logs when i realised how often karkat said dave… so i decided to make a graph on it.

> Keep reading

27/07/2016 03:29:36 ¶ ●

## A Whole Bunch o’ Crying Kids

pointlesshomestuckstatistics:

> Here’s some facts no one asked for or wanted:

> People cry 61 different times in Homestuck; 49 of these times are from the players. 17 times were mourning someone’s death.

> Keep reading

OH MY GOD I MESSED IT UP.

Karkat and John are actually tied for first, because I completely missed Karkat crying on this page.

which also means people cry 62 different times, 50 of which are from players.

30/07/2016 09:37:00 ¶ ●

## Walkthrough not Found

The word count for part 1 of Rose’s GameFAQ is 404.

31/07/2016 10:20:50 ¶ ●

## A Whole Bunch o’ Crying Kids

pointlesshomestuckstatistics:

> pointlesshomestuckstatistics:

> > Here’s some facts no one asked for or wanted:

> > People cry 61 different times in Homestuck; 49 of these times are from the players. 17 times were mourning someone’s death.

> > Keep reading

> OH MY GOD I MESSED IT UP.

> Karkat and John are actually tied for first, because I completely missed Karkat crying on this page.

> which also means people cry 62 different times, 50 of which are from players.

aaaaaaaand it’s still not right. Kanaya cries 3 times insincerely, because i missed the one in this game when you talk to her as Meenah.