It’s Not a Shipping Grid (the long version)

okay, from the top:

There are 21 confirmed Matespritships (and human relationships) in Homestuck. They are:

1. Rose and Kanaya
2. Dave and Terezi (GO Timeline)
   
3. Jade and Davesprite (GO Timeline)
4. Sollux and Feferi
   
5. Tavros and (Vriska)
6. (Vriska) and Dead!John
7. Jake and Dirk
8. (Vriska) and Meenah
9. Latula and Mituna
10. Porrim and Aranea
11. Meulin and Kurloz
12. Rufioh and Damara
13. Rufioh and Horuss
14. Spades Slick and Ms. Paint
    
15. WQ and WK
    
16. Dad and Mom
17. Mindfang and the Summoner
18. The Condesce and Colonel Sassacre (Beta-verse)
19. The Condese and Colonel Sassacre (Alpha-verse)
20. Nanna and her unknown husband*
21. Trickster!Jane, Trickster!Jake, and Trickster!Roxy*
    

Then there are 52 <3 crushes, flirting, and discussed relationships that never were confirmed:

1. Mindfang and the Dolorosa (kind of a relationship? but like. mind control)*
   
2. John and Roxy (mutual flirting)
3. Cronus and Eridan (mutual flirting)
4. Rufioh and Aradiabot #100502 (mutual flirting)
   
5. Dave and Rose (mutual ‘ironic’ flirting)*
   
6. John and Dave (mutual ‘ironic’ flirting)*
7. Roxy and Lil Hal (mutual ‘ironic’ flirting)*
   
8. Dave and Jade (mentioned at least once by both)*
   
9. John and Rose (mentioned multiple times by John)*
10. Meenah and Vriska (mentioned by both, but no flirting)
11. Davepetasprite^2 and Jade (mutual flirting)
    

Unrequited crushes:

1. Dave -> Jane (freudian slip)
2. Dave -> Roxy (freudian slip)
3. Rose -> Jane (freudian slip)
4. Dave -> Rose’s Mom (freudian slip)
5. Roxy -> Jake
6. Roxy -> Jane’s Dad
7. Roxy -> Dirk
   
8. Roxy -> Jane
   
9. Jane -> Jake
   
10. Lil Hal -> Jake (one-sided something from Lil Hal)
    
11. Jake -> Aranea
    
12. Karkat -> Jade
    
13. Tavros -> Jade 
    
14. Nepeta -> Karkat
15. Kanaya -> Vriska
16. Vriska -> Kanaya
17. Eridan -> Feferi
18. Eridan -> Jade
19. Eridan -> Nepeta
    
20. Eridan -> Karkat
21. Gamzee -> Tavros
    
22. Cronus -> Karkat
23. Cronus -> Meenah
24. Cronus -> Mituna
25. Cronus -> Latula
26. Cronus -> Kurloz
27. Cronus -> Hussie
28. Cronus -> Aranea
29. Cronus -> Tavros
30. Meenah -> Karkat
31. Davepetasprite^2 -> Karkat
32. Jasprosesprite^2 -> Nepeta
33. Jasprosesprite^2 -> Jane
34. Dualscar -> the Condesce 
    
35. AR -> PM
36. WV -> PM
    
37. Bec Noir -> PM
    
38. Hussie -> Vriska
39. Hussie -> Meenah
40. Hussie -> Rufioh
41. Vriska -> Nic Cage*
42. John -> Liv Tyler (actor, not bunny)*

There are 6 confirmed Kismessisitudes in Homestuck:

1. Spades Slick and Snowman
2. Jack Noir and BQ (beta session)
3. Eridan and Vriska
4. Gamzee and Terezi (GO Timeline)
   
5. Mindfang and Dualscar
6. Unnamed parents of Calliope and Caliborn*

There are 12 <3< crushes, flirting, or discussed relationships that were never confirmed:

1. Karkat*
   
2. John and Terezi (mutual flirting)
   
3. Dave and Karkat (discussed in the GO Timeline)*
   
4. Vriska and Terezi (‘rivalry’ discussed several times)*
5. Karkat and Vriska (discussed)*
   
6. Jade and Jadesprite (implied via visual parallels to other kismeses)*

Unrequited crushes:

1. Gamzee -> Dave
   
2. Karkat -> John
3. Eridan -> Rose
4. Rose -> Jasprosesprite^2
5. PM -> Bec Noir
   
6. Mindfang -> Redglare

There are 7 confirmed Moirallegiances in Homestuck:

1. Nepeta and Equius
2. Vriska and Kanaya
3. Eridan and Feferi
   
4. Gamzee and Karkat (Go Timeline)
   
5. Vriska and Terezi (Retcon Timeline)
6. Mituna and Kurloz
7. Horuss and Meulin

There are 2 implied Moirallegiances:

1. Draconian Dignitary and Bec Noir (all but stated)
2. Diamonds Droog and Spades Slick (implied by virtue of his name being diamonds, plus jn’s and dd’s relationship)

There are 4 short-term Auspisticisms in Homestuck, but no long-term:

1. Vriska o8< Kanaya o8< Tavros
2. Karkat o8< Jade o8< Karkat
3. WV o8< CD o8< Liv Tyler (bunny, not actor)
4. Spades Slick o8< Doc Scratch o8< Snowman

There are 6 o8< crushes or flirting:

1. Kanaya had a crush on Karkat and Gamzee (Karkat o8< Kanaya o8< Gamzee) (GO Timeline)
   
2. Kanaya had a crush on Karkat and Dave (Karkat o8< Kanaya o8< Dave) (GO Timeline)
3. Rose had a crush on Gamzee and Terezi (Gamzee o8< Rose o8< Terezi) (GO Timeline)
   
4. Eridan flirted with Kanaya (Eridan o8< Kanaya o8< Vriska)
   
5. Eridan flirted with Terezi (Eridan o8< Terezi o8< Sollux)
6. Eridan flirted with Feferi and Sollux (Eridan o8< Feferi o8< Sollux)

There are 6 relationships with no defined quadrant or with vacillation:

1. Equius and Aradia (<3 / <3<)
2. Aradia and Sollux (<3 or <>)
3. Dave and Karkat (who the heck knows) (Retcon Timeline)
   
4. the Disciple and the Signless (‘transcends quadrants’)
5. Latula and Porrim (<3 or <3<)
6. (Vriska) and (Terezi) (whatever was going on in Remem8er) *
   

And finally, there are 8 crushes or flirting with no defined quadrant or with vacillation:

1. Karkat and Terezi (mutual flirting) (<3 / <3< vacillation)
2. Tavros and Dave ( ‘ironic’ flirting? that seems to be red and black)*
   
3. Vriska -> Tavros (<3 / <3< vacillation)
4. Eridan -> Equius (unspecified quadrant)
5. John -> Roxy (??????)*
6. Sollux -> Gamzee (<3 / <3< vacillation)
7. Kankri -> Latula (‘complicated unrequited feelings’)
8. The Condesce -> Helmsman (she was “enamored of him”)*
   

Bonus leprechaun romance:*

1. Itchy/Die (horseshoe pot of gold)
2. Clover/Doze (rainbow red balloon)
3. Fin/Trace (heart diamond)
4. Crowbar/Cans (moon star)
   
5. Clover -> Spades (unknown)
   
6. Clover -> Caliborn (unknown)
   
7. Clover -> Caliborn (star heart horseshoe)
8. Lil Seb -> Clover (heart clover)

*Not in the charts because they weren’t explicitly romantic enough, or were most likely a joke. The ones between players are in the little animation tho