How to Write Roxy Motherfuckin' Lalonde

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Okay–so I heard you want to write ROXY LALONDE, yeah? Well, you’ve come to the right place! Before we start getting into the finer details of this FOXY MAMA, I think it’s important that you understand just how FLIPPIN’ BADASS she really is. You may be totally aware of her finer qualities, but, for the sake of being ABSURDLY THOROUGH in this not so little character analysis, we’re going to break things down into a few parts:

• Roxy’s Personality
• Four Things People Forget About Roxy
• How Roxy Speaks
• How This Translates into Prose Dialogue
• Five “How to Write a Drunk Character” Resources

Hold onto your hats, gents, because you’re about to score a first class seat on the Roxy-Lalonde-Is-Awesome Express. 

Roxy’s Personality:

In her first appearance, Roxy tries to sabotage her friends’ entrance into SBURB Alpha by rigging Jane’s computer to blow up–something that could have seriously harmed her best friend if it had worked out. A lot of people take this as some kind of malicious action, when, in reality, she was just trying to protect everyone in her own way. Granted, it was misguided and a really terrible idea, but done with good intentions, nonetheless. At only fifteen, Roxy is one of the last humans on earth, forced to live alone and fend for herself. This is a particularly low point for her character; she has essentially hit rock bottom, inebriated more often than not, and, as a result, is prone to irrational decisions and bad judgement calls. 

But Roxy is strong as hell, and manages to almost pull out of her alcoholism completely in the sixth months she and her friends spend trapped in the Medium. If that isn’t a great example of just how much inner gumption she has, I don’t know what is. 

When writing Roxy, fanfiction authors tend to portray her as a party-happy, romance-crazy, drunken teenage floozy. Either written off as the town bicycle or pushed to the side as an example of Everything You Shouldn’t Be, this lovely Lalonde might (in some extenuating circumstances) be considered one of the most underrated characters in Homestuck. Why? Because people tend to lose sight of the fact that she is party-happy and romance-crazy, but that she is also exceptionally mature about it. 

Roxy Lalonde is the type of person who, in a modern day setting, would go to large parties. She would go to have fun, to loosen up, and to meet new people–but she would also leave in a heartbeat if something happened to one of her friends. She might beg them to stay longer if they wanted to leave early, but she would never force or fight them to do anything they don’t want to. She would never spike drinks, she would never pressure someone into a romantic situation they didn’t want to be a part of (note: she felt so immensely guitly about kissing Dirk while she was in Trickster!mode that we can assume this was something that wouldn’t happen outside of extenuating circumstances), she would never blame someone else for something bad that happened at the hypothetical house party. 

The point of her life you’re writing is important, too. Young, alcoholic Roxy might get drunk enough to get herself photographed shirtless and dancing on tables, but Roxy rarely gets to the point where she can’t remember what happened while sloshed. She might pass out, sure–but she is just as likely to act more drunk than she really is in a given situation. 

Roxy isn’t a weepy drunk. She is a girl who has been put in a bad situation and tries to make the best of it. Her “core” personality is fun and carefree–but, most importantly, compassionate. Mature beyond her years, she not only understands the importance of holding yourself accountable for your actions but also that taking life too seriously will just make you sad, angry, and lonely in the end.

As such, Roxy doesn’t ever get really angry. Frustrated and upset and annoyed? Yeah–but never furious. She’s more likely to internalize her negative feelings than lash out at her friends. When Jake and Jane forced her into Trickster Mode, she wasn’t mad at them. Instead, she blamed herself.  When Jane didn’t believe the stories about her life, Roxy didn’t yell at her or try to force her to believe–instead, it made her sad. 

This doesn’t, however, mean that she has low self-esteem! Roxy knows she’s a hot, badass mofo with elite haxxor cred, but she understands that she isn’t perfect! She is one of the few characters in Homestuck to actually recognize her problems, come to terms with them, and then fix them all on her own!! THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT AND BASICALLY THE BEST PART OF HER CHARACTER!

Four Things People Forget About Roxy Motherfuckin’ Lalonde:

• Roxy is extremely smart.

One common misconception about the Alphas is that Dirk is the brilliant, genius mastermind. He gets all the credit in the brain department because of his robotics, but Roxy is just as capable a scientist in her own right. Proficient in ectobiology, quantum physics, and programming, we can infer that Roxy is a walking calculator. But! Our dear Lady Lalonde also has the mind of a writer and artist, seen in her writing/drawing of Wizardy Herbert. Roxy is a Jack of All Trades! A regular Renaissance (wo)Man! (Also note that her chumhandle includes the word “gnostalgic”, a play on “gnostic”, which means “pertaining to or possessing of vast knowledge”.)

• Roxy is physically strong.

We know Roxy is mentally tough as shit, but people often forget that she’s hella strong, too. Her strife specibus is equipped with not one, but two -kinds: riflekind and fistkind. If you’ve ever shot a rifle, you’ll know that those things can be pretty hefty to lift, and that the kickbacks can be killer if you’re not solid enough to handle them. And a fistkind specibus isn’t something to be taken lightly at all. We’re not just talkin’ a few bitch-slaps and a good knee to the balls, here–because the only other character shown with a fistkind specibus was Equius fuckin’ Zahhak. (This is just one of the many connections these two characters share, by the way.)

• Roxy is the ultimate mother hen.

Alternatively: Roxy is basically Robin Hood. Remember all those pumpkins Jake kept losing? Ever wonder where they went? Well, Roxy used them to feed the starving residents of her apartment complex, along with many of her ectobiologically-created cats. Yes, her beloved cats.

I’m also going to use this point to emphasize the fact that she is extremely loving and tolerant, almost to a fault–she’ll do anything to keep her friends together, doesn’t even blink when she meets Calliope for the first time despite her appearance, and doesn’t try to fight grimbark Jade because she knows she is important to Jake. In addition, she’s extremely affectionate, and addresses her friends with nicknames. At the same time, though, she will not hesitate to rip your throat out if you fuck with the people she loves. 

• Roxy is sober.

Yeah, you read that right. It’s stated that, sometime during her five months in the Medium, Roxy straightened up and got herself sober. Do you know what that means? It means that she does not drink at all. Most alcoholics, in their early stages of sobriety, tend to avoid drinking even in the smallest amounts both out of fear that they will relapse and as a way of establishing willpower against the temptation to drink when times get tough. After her Trickster-fied binge, she feels lower than dirt, and speaks at length to Jane about aspects of her problem and how ashamed of that part of her life she is. 

How Roxy Speaks:

Homestuck is, as I mentioned earlier, almost entirely chat-based. There are no enclosure talons surrounding bits of dialogue, and each character “speaks” the same way they type. This is something we generally don’t do in formal prose–fanfiction included! For a character like Roxy, though, finding the right way to portray her personality without the help of her typical typing style can be a bit tricky. 

Just to start on the basics, we’ll take a look at some of her chatlogs, first. Roxy’s chats are characterized by a consistent inconsistency. Her punctuation is spotty at best, as she only uses it half the time–and, even then, it’s usually only for emphasis or ending. She uses “you” and “u” interchangeably, as well as and/+, at/@, be/b, to/2 and several other common chat abbreviations. And acronyms! Her spelling, also, fluctuates based on both her level of drunkeness and the person she’s talking to. 

Overall, she types as she thinks. That is, her fingers work in time with her brain. Her responses are usually a series of average-sized lines that combine together to form one particular thought, much like Dave. 

Several other things to consider: Roxy can be hella wordy when she wants to, she has an awesome vocabulary, and she is also well-versed in the ancient arts of irony and metaphor.  Don’t believe me?

How All This Madness Translates into Prose:

There are two major traps you run the risk of falling into whenever you write Homestuck fanfiction, but they’re especially high with Roxy. Here are a few things to avoid:

• The Chat Trap

Some writers are tempted to avoid formal dialogue altogether, forgoing it in favor of the Homestuck-esque dialoguelog format. That is, rather than writing:

“Fuck yes,” Roxy beams, throwing her fists in the air as you and Jane look on. “Yes, yes, yes! This is going to be so frickin’ great!”

They’ll write this:

ROXY: fuck yissss!!!

Roxy beams, throwing her fists in the air as you and Jane look on.

ROXY: yesyesyesyes YES!!

ROXY: this is gunna be so frickin great!!!

See the difference? Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the second version–it’s perfectly fine! If, that is, it’s a chat, not dialogue. Writing like this pulls away from the fic, putting a barrier of formatting between your reader and the story. It works in the actual webcomic because there are images to supplement the narration-less exchanges, but, in fanfiction, there oftentimes aren’t any/many images. As a writer, you have to paint the picture of what’s happening. It has to be smooth, and, when your reader has to stop and start and stop and start as he/she is reading, it makes the experience a little frustrating.

It’s important to remember that you should never write something that you, yourself, wouldn’t bother reading!!

In addition, more of Roxy’s personality comes out in the first example. Rather than choppy dialogue-narration-dialogue, the transitions between Roxy’s words and actions are much smoother. That is, you can immediately visualize her reaching up to the sky for a cosmic fistbump without having to read four lines in rapid succession that all start with exactly the same word. 

A lot of writers who use this technique do it because Roxy’s misspellings and corrections are much easier to write out. But never fear! You can still get what you need across to your reader without explicitly writing out those things! I’ll get into how in a little bit.

• The Cycle of Onomatopoeia

The second thing you’ll want to avoid when writing dialogue is actually so common you might not even realize it’s there when you come across it. Some people don’t mind it, but it’s just a pet peeve of mine that rears its ugly head every know and then–especially when Roxy is involved. Onomatopoeia is, essentially, the literal transcription of sounds. (You know, like: clank! or plop! or pchoooo!). And there’s nothing wrong with onomatopoeia! Actually, it’s a really fun writing tool that I absolutely adore using, because it can be really helpful when you need to set up a scene and build suspense at the same time. But I’m digressing. 

The problem with onomatopoeia comes when people over use it. Just like with every good thing, moderation is key–because then it’s special and fun for your reader to see. And, unless your character is describing a sound, it should never be used in dialogue. Seriously. 

“Hahahaha, I know, right? I just can’t believe it! It’s just totally too absurd, us meeting here like this!”

vs.

Roxy laughs, all squinty-eyed and wide-mouthed and happy. "I know, right? I just can’t believe it! It’s totally too absurd, us meeting here like this!“

Do you see the difference? Do you really? Good. In Roxy’s case, people will sometimes misspell and correct words within dialogue like the first one on purpose, in an effort to make it seem more like she is "speaking Pesterchum”, in a way. They’ll add corrections within her dialogue, like “…rocsk–dammit, *rocks…”

I will hunt you down and smack you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper if you do this.

Now, let’s work on how to bring out Roxy’s personality while avoiding these things!

Going back to that last point I made in The Cycle of Onomatopoeia, I’ll address misspellings and corrections first. 

To start, I want to think of what happens when you talk to your friends. Like, when you get excited about something and your words start rushing out so fast they hardly make sense. Or when you’re reading allowed in class and your tongue just sort of says “fuck this shit” and enunciating is, like, five thousand times more impossible. What do you do in those situations? You either break off with a classic “dammit–rocks, I meant rocks”; “dammit–rocks”; or just sort of ignore it altogether. No one in their right fuckin’ mind says “dammit–asterisk rocks”, even if you do think asterisks rock. 

Mispellings are a little trickier, but they can be handled the same way. Actually, you can even treat misspellings like a kind of “accent”. Dialect writing is something of a controversial topic among writers, simply because it can, at times, be hard for readers to understand. Pretty much everyone will read Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn at some point in their lives, and it’s the best possible example of this–because basically every bit of dialogue in that book is written in dialect. 

When you think about it, Roxy’s speech only flies way off the handle when she’s drunk, so, if you can figure out how to write her “drunk” accent well enough, you’ll completely throw away the need for any in-dialogue misspellings. You’ll still have to misspell things when she talks, of course, but you’ll be writing the words how a smashed person would say them, instead. 

If I were to go into detail on how to write a drunk character, this post would be even more crazy-insane-horribly long than it already is, so…

Five “How to Write a Drunk Character” Resources:

• here is the single greatest “How to Drunk” writing tutorial ever to bless the internet–it’s probably what you’re looking for
• here is an overview of facts about what happens physically when a person is drunk
• here is a general set of steps for preparing to write a drunk character
• here is a bit about how people’s personalities change when they’re drunk
• here is a hella awesome, medically-accurate overview of the various types of drunks, complete with dialogue/narration examples 

Yep. 

In conclusion, Roxy Motherfuckin’ Lalonde is amazing. And awesome. And wonderful. And she deserves to be written well! So go forth and show the world what you can do, you kickass fanfiction author! Go!

(I hope this helps! Please let me know if I’ve missed anything or got anything wrong! Thanks for reading!)