i wanna talk about potterstuck now okay here’s my Headcanons
john and jade and gryffindors (hufflepuff is good for john too but i lean towards gryff because i see them as being the type to leap into action immediately without thinking and that’s… pretty John)
rose is the most slytherin to every slytherin with the exception of Dirk who is dave’s older brother
when dave is first sorted he wants to be in slytherin because he still hero worships dirk at that point but the hat is basically like “L M A O NO” and he’s a hufflepuff… it’s cute okay
Roxy is a hufflepuff, Jane is a slytherin (she is the heiress to a global brand okay she’s very ambitious don’t fight me on this. Ravenclaw is good for her too) Jake is a gryffindor BUT he’s kind of like a reverse Neville, he is very much into Bravery and Adventure and Exploring!!!! at first but he starts to lose confidence and question that hat sorting him…
Roxy has an invisibility cloak! The Lalondes are purebloods from way back
Dirk and Dave are raised in the muggle world (possibly in the foster system, i haven’t worked it out) so they are Assumed to be muggleborns (so dirk has some issues with this when he’s sorted slytherin) but since both of them are wizards it stands to reason they have magical ancestry (dave and rose find out they are related through Pureblood Shenanigans)
john is a seeker and jade is a beater on the gryffindor team, dave and rose are fucking terrible at sports
dirk is the undefeated wizard chess champion
jane committed many weasley-esque pranks in her years but unlike the weasleys she never left a fucking trace, it was only vaguely suspected that she was the true culprit. she was head girl, and dirk was the worst prefect ever
rose regularly uses roxy’s old invisibility cloak to sneak into the restricted section and read about fucked up dark magic because she is a problem child
i was fast and loose with the alpha universe prompt because jade and rose are the same age in this but! imagine married jade and rose raising baby roxy and jake
i accidentally rambled about jade and rose as old ladies under the cut
Rose is still a fairly prolific yet notoriously reclusive author in this universe and Jade is a renowned inventor/explorer/ political activist (though the Condesce doesn’t exist in this AU so they don’t, like. die horribly)
in the first picture she’s threatening various magazines for publishing pictures of her babies
when jake and roxy are young rose tells them the most elaborate bedtime stories, of wizards and eldritch monsters but also fisticuffs and adventure because jake requests these things specifically
one year rose gets jake a real human skull for his birthday and jade is like “honey… is this really the best idea…” but jake loves it
rose holds fake seances and rituals with the kids (when their childhood pet jaspers dies and roxy suggests they try to bring him back to life using dark majyyks rose sees where this might have been an issue)
roxy ‘helps’ jade with all of her experiments (when she’s really little this consists of holding a screw driver and watching with wide eyes and then bragging to rose that SHE HELPED MOM BUILD A WHOLE ROBOT)
roxy routinely kicks jades ass at mario kart from age 7
jade and rose have the collector’s edition box set of the entire squiddles series, and they’re excited that roxy and jake both love it. but for a month it is all they watch and there’s one week they do nothing but sing the theme song at the top of their lungs and it almost makes rose and jade hate the fucking show
rose and jade meet because rose likes to fuck with humans by leaving ominous and vaguely threatening notes in the sand in seaweed. John says it’s merpeople but the kind that will eat you, not the nice disney variety. Jade doesn’t believe in that shit so she investigates and finds rose- it turns out john was wrong but not too far off!!
Anyway they date and jade starts to dabble in witchcraft and give rose some people legs so they can hang out on land and get ice cream and stuff
(she practices small scale animal transmogrification before attempting anything on rose but bec interrupts her one day and she accidentally gives herself doggie ears)
imagine them as instagram famous lesbian lifestyle bloggers. they make 3 on-brand posts before it dissolves into really shitty memes and ‘i love my gf’ posts but people still find them charming
