On very rare occasions, when he’s stressed out (even more so than usual) and doesn’t have enough free time to unwind properly, or if something negative is really nagging at his brain, Jack will sequester himself somewhere isolated and have a smoke.
His usual brand is made from cloves and imported all the way from Cronus-7 (he won’t even go near the menthols), in a cheap little packet he keeps squared away in a desk drawer to pull out whenever he gets a moment to himself. He can’t ever bring himself to buy something more expensive, even when he’s got more money than he knows what to do with.
There’s something he finds nostalgic about them; an addiction to a simple pleasure (and subtle self-destruction– burn it all down to build it up better).
> what is with everyone’s giant hard-on for ‘male sirens’?? > it’s almost as ridiculous as the pandoracorn petting zoo they opened > at least that’s funny to watch > it’s really amazing just how much damage those two little horns can do
SMOOTH SAILING / queens of the stone age. DON’T STOP / innerpartysystem. CONSCIENCE KILLER / black rebel motorcycle club. EVERYBODY LOVES ME / one republic. LOUIS XIV / louis xiv. REAPER / mother mother. I WANT IT ALL / dangerous muse. MEGALOMANIA / muse. MR SELF DESTRUCT / nine inch nails. MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND / innerpartysystem. IN THE CITY / kevin rudolf. JUDAS / cage the elephant. SURVIVAL / muse.
–God, is there anywhere in the outer sector with a decent ocean-side beach? If I have to see anymore desert or moon rock I’m gonna’ set fire to something.
D’awww, does someone need a break? Is that it? You sound soooooooo, freakin’ stressed. Which reminds me, oh yeah.
I– I can’t even begin to imagine what that reminds you of. I don’t think I even want to know. But yeah, you’re damn right– sign me up for a frickin’ vacation, like ASAP. Somewhere nice and sunny, by the water. Also— shutthehellup.
Yeaaaaah, you doooo. [ SINGSONGS AT HIM ] Don’t lie to me, it’s more trouble than you need.
I can’t promise a vacation, like. Not in the biblical sense of the word, but I think I’ve got a super special someone I could introduce you too. Make it worth his while, and he miiiiight – note the MIGHT, babe – put up with you wanting to work on your tanlines and get filthy fucking drunk.
Hell– if he can get me away from Helios for a couple days– no scratch that, weeks– I’ll give him anything he friggin’ wants.
Soooooo what’re we talkin’ here? He the cold hard cash type? ‘Cause I am rollin’ in it, baby– and that shit is no object when my tan lines are involved. Gotta keep up this devastatingly handsome image, you feel me. Also, if this guy’s anything like the last ‘friend’ you introduced me to, I’m gonna need something a lot stronger than rum.
Nah, I’ll let him dictate what he wants. [ adding in a smug: ] He’s brilliant. You’ll see.
Never let it be said that I’m not good at the “sharing” gig !! I’ll shoot him a message, let him know you’re in the market for some R&R and good company. I’m forwarding the coordinates to you now, as well. Takes a bit of subspace travel, but – hey, you’re asking for QUALITY here. Because babe, I will never give you a sub-par experience.
( that sounds shady as hell but i like it ) That ri-i-ight? (sʜʀᴜɢs ᴀɴᴅ ᴄʟɪᴄᴋs ᴛᴏɴɢᴜᴇ)
Does it really count as sharing if it’s with yourself, though? Ah, whatever—-
Yeeeesh, that is far– but given how good you are at spoiling me, I’ll take your word for it. Are you, uh, gonna join me on this little island adventure? Or am I meeting up with Mr.Mystery all by my lonesome? I mean– what’s a good vacation without a little introspection, if you know what I mean. (hehe) (ᴡɪɴᴋs)
Are you really going to split hairs over something like that? You’re me, I’m you. But – not entirely. Not exactly. Which is hot. I like that.
[ he’s laughing now, something low and tangled wickedly in his chest ]
I dunno’, depends. I can give him the heads up and drop you off on your lonesome, or I can come… facilitate. I mean, you like when I facilitate, dontcha’ JUST? It all depends on you, babe.
Pffff– Hell yeah it is.
( ᴄʜᴇᴇᴋʏ ɢʀɪɴ ) Y’think I’ll need a lot of uh, ‘facilitating’, then? I dunno, in my experience– you can really never have enough. Facilitating, that is. What, uh– what were we talking about again?
Nisha glances up from the whetstone, where she’s in the process of sharpening one of her favorite knives. The rest of her collection is laid out beside her. “Just getting things ready for tonight.” Her smile is every bit as sharp as the blade in hand, and gleams just as bright.
Now there’s a smile you can fall in love with– sickly sweet like a poison, but even more lethal. She’s got quite the impressive collection, most of which he has a rather intimate knowledge of. He leans on the door frame, smirking tongue-in-cheek. “Mmm– sounds like a party. Am I invited?” It’s a rhetorical question, (he just likes the sound of his own voice). Nisha with a knife in her hand always sparks his fun-loving side, and he’s already craving that copper taste behind his teeth.
Well, good fucking thing Vaas doesn’t expect a text in return, or else he’d be really pissed. He sets his phone aside and does nothing while waiting for Jack and not old Jack to arrive. In a sense, he feels like he needs to fucking prepare himself to deal with two Jacks at once, but nah. It’d take the fun out of everything. Jack is a goddamn box of surprises, and there’s nothing bad about that at all. Vaas wouldn’t be as interested in the guy if he was predictable. He sits up with a small groan when he hears that familiar voice right outside of his place, a tiny bit thrown off once he hears two of that same voice. Yeah, he’s not tripping out on drugs right now, so it’s even stranger. He isn’t complaining.
❛ Hiiiiiiiii. I am awake and alive, thanks. You can introduce me to yourself, buuuuut I would rather have him do it. Haha, holy SHIT! Amigo, you are like… a prettier version of Jack. I mean, you ARE Jack, but I have never met fetus Jack. Are we the same age?? We look the same age. This is fucking crazy. Anyway I’m Vaas, but you already know that. Welcome to my super fantastic and super fun island! I would have had a field trip all planned out for you if I hadn’t fucking forgotten your ass was coming. It is all cool, amigo. We will improvise, hmm? Shake my fucking hand. ❜ He’s standing up for you, baby Jack. You better shake his fucking hand.
Jack is immediately regretting his decision to let his older self arrange his– “vacation”. The sun here isn’t as hot as Pandora’s, but there’s sand getting into his boots and the thick humidity makes him feel like he’s dying. He’s been wary about this whole thing from the beginning– and as they make their way inland, it starts to feel more and more like friggin’ bandit-ville in here. Guns, drugs, weird graffiti, tigers in cages– although he had to admit, those were pretty cool– Jack makes sure to stick close as possible to other Jack, least he lose any fingers. He isn’t exactly equipped to take on an entire bandit camp. He’s supposed to be on vacation, goddamnit !!
Next thing he knows he’s in some stranger’s room and glaring at the back of his other’s head while he tries to wake up the man on the bed.
And god, this dude just doesn’t shut up, does he? ( He throws a sharp smirk his older self’s way at the ‘prettier’ comment. ) He opens his mouth, ready to retort about the 'fetus’ thing but shuts it with a click of his teeth when the guy keeps going with his introduction. Vass, he said? Or was it Vaas– whatever. What the hell did this have to do with his vacation? Y'know the sun, the sand, the hot chicks?
“Excuse me– forgotten me?” This guy’s already losing points. He sets his teeth in his other’s direction– practically accusing him with his eyes. He regards the stranger– Vaas– again, and looks at his outstretched hand as he works his jaw. “Well, aren’t you a freakin’ charmer?” Bandit, hes already labeled him in his head. He doesn’t take orders from bandits, and that certainly sounded like an order.
He resolves to play nice until he knows exactly what the hell his older self is thinking. Despite being the same person ( more or less ), he can’t actually read his own mind; and he knows how much his older self likes to fuck with him. He’s a warning label all by himself. He walks forward, swiftly slapping his hand into the other man’s, grip hard, despite every instinct telling him to punch the guy in the mouth instead. “Can’t wait.” Older Jack has the loveliest friends.
Jack’s been having a rather productive day; a lucrative project meeting and trimming some of the fat from his slew of employees through violent termination has his spirits high and blood singing. There really isn’t anything he finds much more satisfying than being the Boss, he’ll admit. He calls for a lunch break and they filter out of the room (those who are left, anyway, sulking shell-shocked and clutching at blood-stained folders for dear life).
He walks down the long hall, head high and intent on getting to his own office for lunch. Maybe he’d order up something special, treat himself a little. After all, he deserves it after working so hard. He could just fast travel there, but he secretly enjoys the looks of fear from the workers who frantically try to get out of his way. Makes him feel powerful.
That is, until he turns a corner and walks straight into something hard, or someone. He manages to get his footing before he can fall on his ass to the floor, but the kid he ran into isn’t so lucky. He scowls, fixing his hair and his jacket from their mussed state. “What the hell is wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m walking here?” He growls down.
Jack crosses his arms over his chest, jaw clenched and good mood draining from him with every syllable out of the kid’s mouth. He doesn’t hear a word he says, but it raises his irritation levels nonetheless. His eyes narrow when the other stands up, a few inches taller and just begging to have his lights knocked out. He waits until the kid is done talking and cowering in fear for what they both know is coming.
Jack kicks Rhys hard with the heel of his boot, knocking him back– ass first onto the floor. “I’m sorry– did I say you could get up?” He looms over the other, foot pressing firmly into his chest and making sure to dig the metal of his heel into flesh to drive his point home. He braces his crossed forearms on his knee to add more of his weight and glares down at him. The kid reeks of newbie.
“Okay listen up kiddo, ‘cause I’m only going to say this once.” He jabs a finger down in Rhys’ direction. “Stay out of my way or you’re going to find yourself among my long, long list of terminated employees. Capiche?“
He let’s off of his pinning of the kid’s body to the floor and extends a hand out to help him up, but his shark grin betrays any friendly intentions he might have. He clenches the other fist behind his back, waiting for Rhys to take the bait.
Uhuh– I’m just gonna pretend you said something like ‘oh yes you are so right Jack, and also you are looking fucking sexy today can I please kiss your goddamn boots’– am I gettin’ close here, kiddo???
NO. You do not look sexy. Your facial hair bothers me, and whyyyy the fuuuck is your face SOOO LONG??? I really, really thought people got uglier the older they got, but you are a living, breathing example that it’s not always true! Also, I said I am going to destroy you with my monstrous, colossal, gargantuan sized dick. Good fucking try.
Oh, I get it, this is– this is like that schoolboy pulling on pigtails shtick! Heh– cupcake, if you wanted my attention that badly, all you had to do was ask. ( And grovel on your knees, but we’ll get to that later. )
Well then, at least I have something to look forward to !! Unlike you. How unfortunate that you’ll be this consistently ugly for your entire life !! And hooooo-boy, you’ve really got a mouth onyou, dont’cha? Now– are you all bark or is there actually some bite to this puppy? ( In other words, I’d like to see you try, baby. )
I do not think you get it, hermano. You don’t get it at all. See, those little boys pull on the girls’ pigtails because they have a crush on them and have probably jerked their fucking prepubescent penis off to the thought of kissing the girl on the cheek, but I don’t have a crush on you, and if I was to jerk off to you, I would think about smashing your stupid fucking face into the wall over and over and then pissing on your fucked up, bloody and bruised up face! See, now THAT is hot to me.
Amigo, I know I am ugly. It really doesn’t bother me anymore. You want me to bite you?? Then come fucking closer. I will bite you all over. Is that what you want, motherfucker?
( Oh maaan, do you have some issues, buddy. ) That really all you got? Sweetheart, I’ve heard better come from the mouth of a five-year old. Not even like, a bandit five-year old either– just like, a regular one– You– you know what? It doesn’t matter !! The point I’m tryin’ to make here is, you’re a big baby. ( That, and you’re simply adorable when you’re angry. )
❛
You are so fucking OBNOXIOUS!!! There is literally not a single good thing about you, holy shit. Yeah, you are right, it DOESN’T fucking matter. You know what matters?? THIS. ❜ Oh, yeah, that’s Vaas leaning forward and headbutting the shit out of your ugly, STUPID FACE!! Hope you’re happy now, baby Jack. The exact goddamn personality of a baby, except worse, and Vaas wouldn’t headbutt an actual baby. This type of baby, though?? Don’t expect it to be the LAST time, fuckhead.
The blow isn’t exactly a surprise– he should have known better than to poke at something so rabid. ( But with results like this !! This guy is too much fun. ) He shakes off the pain from his reeling head, gloved hand raising to wipe away some of the blood that’s started to pour generously from the new gash on the bridge of his nose. And here he’d been so nice !! “Wow—- you’ve got a thick friggin’ skull.” He pinches between his eyes and sways a little as a wave of dizziness washes over him. “I cant believe you actually just headbutted me–” He laughs, lips dripping in his own blood.
“You’re really fucking lucky I like aggressive.” Jack flicks the latch on his belt, wrapping fingers around the hilt of his knife as the cloaking device on his pocket watch activates, bending the light around him and making him effectively invisible.
“How about we play a little game, pumpkin?” Jack’s voice echos. ( Because Jack would headbutt an actual baby– in fact, he’s done a helluva lot worse. )
asthehero: yeah hero sandwich asthehero: jackjack + third and/or more parties asthehero: boss jack is top bread, brat jack is bottom bread hypelios: LAUGHS hypelios: im fuck ing asthehero: brat jack has to support all the toppings asthehero: and fillings asthehero: ……… hypelios: YELLS asthehero: get stuffed hypelios: LAMOFODf
Vaas is actually fucking SHAKING. No no no, it’s not out of fear or because he’s cold (pffft, how the FUCK could he be cold right now?), he’s just so FUCKING EXCITED!! He likes fighting with people who know how to fight, and he knows from experience that Jack knows really, really fucking well how to hold his own in a fight. Even though this version of Jack isn’t the one he’s so familiar with, he has no doubt he’d have a good time and end up totally fucked up. A cheeky, cheeky grin rises high on Vaas’ lips, and he actually laughs in raw excitement. He’s having the time of his life. He knows he doesn’t have a high chance of winning, not when he doesn’t have all the advanced shit they have up there, but he’s still going to have fun, and he does NOT go down easily.
❛ Then let’s play a fucking game! Do I really scare you enough that you have to go invisible??? Really, amigo? You are just THAT worried I will get the upper-hand on me, so you have to pull THIS shit?? Okay, okay!! Haha, okay! Then let’s FUCKING PLAY! COME ON, MOTHERFUCKER! COME ON!! ❜
No, he’s not LOSING IT, he’s not! It’s the fucking ADRENALINE! (Alright, he’s kiiiinda losing it, but that’s not new for Vaas). He pulls out his pistol, because even if the bullets have proven to be not effective at all, getting pistol-whipped hurt like a motherfucking bitch. He’ll shoot, anyway. He’s just waiting for little ol’ Jack to stop being a little bitch and make a move instead of hiding.
❛ By the way, I want one of those. ❜ (What?? Who DOESN’T want to be invisible?)
If you think for even a second that Handsome Jack isn’t one of the dirtiest fighters in the universe, you’d be dead wrong. You could call him a coward– many have– but none of them ever lived to tell the tale. In Jack’s head, it didn’t matter what your method was, so long as you won. And he wins a lot.
“Tut-tut– are you always this loud?” Jack can’t help an unseen grin of his own, flipping his blade in his palm. Nisha had shown him how to use a knife, and he’s been absolutely dying for a chance to put his new skills to the test. Ever since he became Hyperion’s CEO, it’s been nothing but ‘waaah don’t kill me!!’ and ‘waaaah think of my children!!’ and endless groveling at his heels. And as fun as he finds that on a good day, it gets old– really fast. But finally !! A decent fucking good time !! ( Let’s be honest, he’d started dating the last attractive motherfucker who tried to fight him ( and won ). Jack loves a good fight. )
Jack laughs. ( Because he knows he’s got the upper hand– as dirty as the move was– and there isn’t much Vaas can do about it. ) “Maybe I’ll get you one for Mercenary Day. If you’re a good boy.” He sidesteps, circling like a shark and just out of reach. If there’s one thing Jack is good at ( and the list goes on and on ), it’s stealth. Jack eyes the gun– it wouldn’t do much damage against a bandit shield, let alone a Hyperion Grade one, but he thinks it’s cute that Vaas is trying. His attention turns to the many belts and bobs hanging from the pirate’s person.
As much as he’d like to drive his knife into a new home inside Vaas’ ribcage, he did say they‘d play a little game, didn’t he ? And Heros always keep their word. He licks the red from his teeth, the copper taste making his blood sing, and moves sneakily behind the other, sharp edge of the blade slipping and severing leather against his back before he slides away again, like a breeze. He’ll go for the necklace next, press the blade right up against that tanned skin—- that is, if Vaas doesn’t manage to catch him first.
(( a good tip for any of you having trouble grasping your rp characters, filling out an oc sheet can be really helpful ! whether you play canon or au, fleshing them out somewhere organized can be very gooood. I’m currently using this one for Jack, and you can find a bunch more here !! ))
i
was going to offer to cook something for you because my cooking is the
best in the fucking galaxy but keep eating your fucking salads instead i
hope you die in salad hell
now that doesn’t sound very nutritional. what about your vitamins? it’s no wonder you look like shit all the time !!
also, wow rude, and here I was about to send you something nice, like the wonderful, charming, handsome motherfucker I am. I hope you like moonshot barrages instead
also
i dont think you have the capability to send anything “nice”, it would
probably just be a sock you stole from someone you killed who just
happens to have the same foot size as me and you know what??? i have
enough socks so fuck you
i
dont look like shit all the time i only look like shit 95% of the time
but excuse me I TAKE EVERY SINGLE VITAMIN INCLUDING VITAMIN W
well i have yet to see the other 5% so
also how dare you I’d send both socks and I’d even have them washed first !! that’s more than my grandma sends me for Mercenary Day so suck it up, it could be worse !! I could be sending you– i dunno, uh, lets say a clap-trap for instance. Don’t make me get creative, cupcake.
dont
take after your grandma, break the cycle motherfucker. just because my
mom was into incest doesnt mean im into it too now does it?? i broke the
fucking cycle. fight her to the death
oh don’t worry, that old crone is well on her way out already. speaking of, i might have a job for you later—- also how should i know what kinda freaky shit you’re into ??
uh-uuuuuuh, you lost your chance for free nice things, now you’ve gotta earn it, like a good boy.
you
know what creepy shit im into and you know i want you to give me what
you were going to give me!!! im not going to get on my knees and beg
fuck you just give me the thinggggggg ill cook for you
might??? dont cocktease me like that, give me something to do you cocksucker
well i mean looking at you now, i can hazard a few guesses
and i dunno kiddo, you’ve already gone and put the idea in my head, i mean– i might just like you better on your knees. besides i already ate, and needy is such a good look on you. tell me how baaaad you want it. and maaaaybe, just maybe, i’ll send it to you. and i promise you it wont be just a pair of socks.
i
want it really, really bad. super bad. i want it more than i want to
fuck the shit out of you. pleaseeeeeeee??? ill be a “good boy” even
though i already am I MEAN I DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO ANYWAY
dont call me kiddo you piece of shit what the fuck
haha omg fuck i got a good laugh out of that one
how ‘bout fire cracker, then? i mean– you’ve got quite the freakin’ attitude, so. or maybe papi, that sounds like something you’d be into. tarzan???
alright, alright already– how does some nice shiny Hyperion weaponry sound? it’s technically still ‘’’’experimental’’’’ but if you idiots do manage to blow yourselves up with them, it’ll be like killing two bandits with one box of highly volatile chemicals !! and also hilarious
alsoooo, i have a bottle of rum with your name on it so come see me maybe, jerkass
Jack took a sip from his glass. He’d gone for something imported from the inner rim tonight, (he always saved the local Pandoran booze for the really wild parties), and god, did he need it. It wasn’t often one of his lackeys managed to fuck something up (well no, that was a lie, they were constantly fucking things up. honestly, good help was so hard to find—-) and boy, was this a monumental fuck up. One that was putting Hyperion out of a lot of money. Money that should be his. Money that wasn’t his, and was, in fact, going to a different company, because some idiot kid couldn’t remember to buy the goddamned patents.
He swung his golf club down hard, driving the ball through laser of the speed radar and straight into the cavern of a gutted clap-trap shell with a satisfying clang. The flashing numbers didn’t make him nearly as happy as the thought of crushing this kid’s windpipe with his bare hands, but, he’d get to that soon enough. Jack had him called up to his office not even twenty minutes ago. He took another long sip before setting the glass back onto his desk.
He could hear the doors open just as he unbent from setting another ball on the tee. He didn’t turn around; instead he spread his feet shoulder-length apart and lined up his next shot. He called over his shoulder.
Patents. Of all the important things to forget, it had to be the patents.
Vaughn had pointed out the mistake to him, when the first earnings mock-up had found its way from his desk in accounting to Rhys’s hands. The monetary losses were slowly, but surely, going to eclipse the gains, and he’d had to do a lot of scraping, pleading, begging and threatening with the right authorities and agencies to acquire the patents as quickly as could be. While the damage had been done, it wasn’t as exponential as it could have been, but it was still an obvious black mark on his otherwise secure deals. The financial report had reached Handsome Jack, as he’d known it would from the start, so after preparing the necessary documents to prove he’d taken every precaution to make up for the losses, the rest of his time was spent wracking his brain for reasons Jack ought to let him survive the encounter.
The elevator ride was long, but gave him no more idea about what to do than did his sleepless night. The entire length of hallway, and the cavernous depths of Handsome Jack’s high-tech office did not help the sinking feeling in his gut, nor help him focus on the task at hand.
Shit, he was so fucked.
“Yes’sir,” he mumbled, as he hurried to take that seat he was told to take. Well, what the FUCK was that supposed to be??? Yes’sir, no’sir, let me beg on my knees before you please don’t bludgeon me to death with your golf club, sir?? God damn, way to sound like a spineless sycophant, Rhys. ( Refocus. What will convince Jack not to kill you to death? )
He kept an ear on the kid as he let the club hang loosely, swaying in his grip and stopping just short of the ball. He did it again as he lined up his next shot, (this time he was aiming for the gaping eye-socket. He was going to break his 200 mph record even if it killed somebody.)
“Y’know–” A roll of his neck, a loud crack, and then he was talking again. “You’ve got a good record, kid. A great one, in fact– so why. is. it. that you’re sitting in my office right now– I mean really, what was it, huh? Bad breakup with the girlfriend? A death–” he swung the club down hard, sending the ball sailing through the air with a blur of chrome and a disappointed look. That wasn’t even close– “in the family?”
He finally turned to face Rhys. The kid looked like shit. He leaned his club against the desk, for now, and sat on it’s edge, crossing his arms and looking out over the cascading water features of his office. “Tell you what. If you can give me a good enough explanation for your little fuck-up, champ, I won’t take this shiny metal club here and beat your pretty little head in with it. Deal?”
shut the fuck up holy shit you are old and you need to accept that fact come here motherfucker i dont give a shit
if im old that makes you a fucking fetus and hey guess what i don’t hang out with fetuses. maybe i should send you a babysitter?? does baby need his bottle??
don’t call me old i’ll moon blast ur entire island
is bottle codeword for dick??? because if so, yes i fucking do you fucking broken hip wrinkly assed grandpa blast it i dont give a fuck kill me you asshole
u fucking wish and maybe i WILL, teach this whiny baby a lesson– y’know, learn to respect your elders. or something. fuck.
nah age is irrelevant when it comes to respect do you know how fucked up it is that we teach our kids that they are supposed to respect elders no matter what??? the elderly are fucking assholes and sometimes dont deserve respect and if kids grow up with that mindset they are basically being brainwashed to believe that its ok to be treated like shit and they have to be nice to people who are assholes to them and thats so fucking stupid anyway im 27 fuck you
yeah ok i feel you there but still respect meeeee!! ( ᴡʜɪɴᴇs ʟᴏᴜᴅʟʏ )
27, huh? don’t worry pumpkin you’ve still got a long way to go, ( sɪɴɢsᴏɴɢs ) i can show yooou the woooorld
Not going to stop whining. Ever. He is, however, going to wrap his arms around Jack’s waist and press his cheek against his shoulder. Behold the fucking sight of actual puppy Vaas Montenegro.
smooches your forehead. pinches your eeeeear who’s a good puppyyyy, yes you aaaaare
