Well, good fucking thing Vaas doesn’t expect a text in return, or else he’d be really pissed. He sets his phone aside and does nothing while waiting for Jack and not old Jack to arrive. In a sense, he feels like he needs to fucking prepare himself to deal with two Jacks at once, but nah. It’d take the fun out of everything. Jack is a goddamn box of surprises, and there’s nothing bad about that at all. Vaas wouldn’t be as interested in the guy if he was predictable. He sits up with a small groan when he hears that familiar voice right outside of his place, a tiny bit thrown off once he hears two of that same voice. Yeah, he’s not tripping out on drugs right now, so it’s even stranger. He isn’t complaining.
❛ Hiiiiiiiii. I am awake and alive, thanks. You can introduce me to yourself, buuuuut I would rather have him do it. Haha, holy SHIT! Amigo, you are like… a prettier version of Jack. I mean, you ARE Jack, but I have never met fetus Jack. Are we the same age?? We look the same age. This is fucking crazy. Anyway I’m Vaas, but you already know that. Welcome to my super fantastic and super fun island! I would have had a field trip all planned out for you if I hadn’t fucking forgotten your ass was coming. It is all cool, amigo. We will improvise, hmm? Shake my fucking hand. ❜ He’s standing up for you, baby Jack. You better shake his fucking hand.
Jack is immediately regretting his decision to let his older self arrange his– “vacation”. The sun here isn’t as hot as Pandora’s, but there’s sand getting into his boots and the thick humidity makes him feel like he’s dying. He’s been wary about this whole thing from the beginning– and as they make their way inland, it starts to feel more and more like friggin’ bandit-ville in here. Guns, drugs, weird graffiti, tigers in cages– although he had to admit, those were pretty cool– Jack makes sure to stick close as possible to other Jack, least he lose any fingers. He isn’t exactly equipped to take on an entire bandit camp. He’s supposed to be on vacation, goddamnit !!
Next thing he knows he’s in some stranger’s room and glaring at the back of his other’s head while he tries to wake up the man on the bed.
And god, this dude just doesn’t shut up, does he? ( He throws a sharp smirk his older self’s way at the ‘prettier’ comment. ) He opens his mouth, ready to retort about the 'fetus’ thing but shuts it with a click of his teeth when the guy keeps going with his introduction. Vass, he said? Or was it Vaas– whatever. What the hell did this have to do with his vacation? Y'know the sun, the sand, the hot chicks?
“Excuse me– forgotten me?” This guy’s already losing points. He sets his teeth in his other’s direction– practically accusing him with his eyes. He regards the stranger– Vaas– again, and looks at his outstretched hand as he works his jaw. “Well, aren’t you a freakin’ charmer?” Bandit, hes already labeled him in his head. He doesn’t take orders from bandits, and that certainly sounded like an order.
He resolves to play nice until he knows exactly what the hell his older self is thinking. Despite being the same person ( more or less ), he can’t actually read his own mind; and he knows how much his older self likes to fuck with him. He’s a warning label all by himself. He walks forward, swiftly slapping his hand into the other man’s, grip hard, despite every instinct telling him to punch the guy in the mouth instead. “Can’t wait.” Older Jack has the loveliest friends.
Uhuh– I’m just gonna pretend you said something like ‘oh yes you are so right Jack, and also you are looking fucking sexy today can I please kiss your goddamn boots’– am I gettin’ close here, kiddo???
NO. You do not look sexy. Your facial hair bothers me, and whyyyy the fuuuck is your face SOOO LONG??? I really, really thought people got uglier the older they got, but you are a living, breathing example that it’s not always true! Also, I said I am going to destroy you with my monstrous, colossal, gargantuan sized dick. Good fucking try.
Oh, I get it, this is– this is like that schoolboy pulling on pigtails shtick! Heh– cupcake, if you wanted my attention that badly, all you had to do was ask. ( And grovel on your knees, but we’ll get to that later. )
Well then, at least I have something to look forward to !! Unlike you. How unfortunate that you’ll be this consistently ugly for your entire life !! And hooooo-boy, you’ve really got a mouth onyou, dont’cha? Now– are you all bark or is there actually some bite to this puppy? ( In other words, I’d like to see you try, baby. )
I do not think you get it, hermano. You don’t get it at all. See, those little boys pull on the girls’ pigtails because they have a crush on them and have probably jerked their fucking prepubescent penis off to the thought of kissing the girl on the cheek, but I don’t have a crush on you, and if I was to jerk off to you, I would think about smashing your stupid fucking face into the wall over and over and then pissing on your fucked up, bloody and bruised up face! See, now THAT is hot to me.
Amigo, I know I am ugly. It really doesn’t bother me anymore. You want me to bite you?? Then come fucking closer. I will bite you all over. Is that what you want, motherfucker?
( Oh maaan, do you have some issues, buddy. ) That really all you got? Sweetheart, I’ve heard better come from the mouth of a five-year old. Not even like, a bandit five-year old either– just like, a regular one– You– you know what? It doesn’t matter !! The point I’m tryin’ to make here is, you’re a big baby. ( That, and you’re simply adorable when you’re angry. )
❛
You are so fucking OBNOXIOUS!!! There is literally not a single good thing about you, holy shit. Yeah, you are right, it DOESN’T fucking matter. You know what matters?? THIS. ❜ Oh, yeah, that’s Vaas leaning forward and headbutting the shit out of your ugly, STUPID FACE!! Hope you’re happy now, baby Jack. The exact goddamn personality of a baby, except worse, and Vaas wouldn’t headbutt an actual baby. This type of baby, though?? Don’t expect it to be the LAST time, fuckhead.
The blow isn’t exactly a surprise– he should have known better than to poke at something so rabid. ( But with results like this !! This guy is too much fun. ) He shakes off the pain from his reeling head, gloved hand raising to wipe away some of the blood that’s started to pour generously from the new gash on the bridge of his nose. And here he’d been so nice !! “Wow—- you’ve got a thick friggin’ skull.” He pinches between his eyes and sways a little as a wave of dizziness washes over him. “I cant believe you actually just headbutted me–” He laughs, lips dripping in his own blood.
“You’re really fucking lucky I like aggressive.” Jack flicks the latch on his belt, wrapping fingers around the hilt of his knife as the cloaking device on his pocket watch activates, bending the light around him and making him effectively invisible.
“How about we play a little game, pumpkin?” Jack’s voice echos. ( Because Jack would headbutt an actual baby– in fact, he’s done a helluva lot worse. )
Vaas is actually fucking SHAKING. No no no, it’s not out of fear or because he’s cold (pffft, how the FUCK could he be cold right now?), he’s just so FUCKING EXCITED!! He likes fighting with people who know how to fight, and he knows from experience that Jack knows really, really fucking well how to hold his own in a fight. Even though this version of Jack isn’t the one he’s so familiar with, he has no doubt he’d have a good time and end up totally fucked up. A cheeky, cheeky grin rises high on Vaas’ lips, and he actually laughs in raw excitement. He’s having the time of his life. He knows he doesn’t have a high chance of winning, not when he doesn’t have all the advanced shit they have up there, but he’s still going to have fun, and he does NOT go down easily.
❛ Then let’s play a fucking game! Do I really scare you enough that you have to go invisible??? Really, amigo? You are just THAT worried I will get the upper-hand on me, so you have to pull THIS shit?? Okay, okay!! Haha, okay! Then let’s FUCKING PLAY! COME ON, MOTHERFUCKER! COME ON!! ❜
No, he’s not LOSING IT, he’s not! It’s the fucking ADRENALINE! (Alright, he’s kiiiinda losing it, but that’s not new for Vaas). He pulls out his pistol, because even if the bullets have proven to be not effective at all, getting pistol-whipped hurt like a motherfucking bitch. He’ll shoot, anyway. He’s just waiting for little ol’ Jack to stop being a little bitch and make a move instead of hiding.
❛ By the way, I want one of those. ❜ (What?? Who DOESN’T want to be invisible?)
If you think for even a second that Handsome Jack isn’t one of the dirtiest fighters in the universe, you’d be dead wrong. You could call him a coward– many have– but none of them ever lived to tell the tale. In Jack’s head, it didn’t matter what your method was, so long as you won. And he wins a lot.
“Tut-tut– are you always this loud?” Jack can’t help an unseen grin of his own, flipping his blade in his palm. Nisha had shown him how to use a knife, and he’s been absolutely dying for a chance to put his new skills to the test. Ever since he became Hyperion’s CEO, it’s been nothing but ‘waaah don’t kill me!!’ and ‘waaaah think of my children!!’ and endless groveling at his heels. And as fun as he finds that on a good day, it gets old– really fast. But finally !! A decent fucking good time !! ( Let’s be honest, he’d started dating the last attractive motherfucker who tried to fight him ( and won ). Jack loves a good fight. )
Jack laughs. ( Because he knows he’s got the upper hand– as dirty as the move was– and there isn’t much Vaas can do about it. ) “Maybe I’ll get you one for Mercenary Day. If you’re a good boy.” He sidesteps, circling like a shark and just out of reach. If there’s one thing Jack is good at ( and the list goes on and on ), it’s stealth. Jack eyes the gun– it wouldn’t do much damage against a bandit shield, let alone a Hyperion Grade one, but he thinks it’s cute that Vaas is trying. His attention turns to the many belts and bobs hanging from the pirate’s person.
As much as he’d like to drive his knife into a new home inside Vaas’ ribcage, he did say they‘d play a little game, didn’t he ? And Heros always keep their word. He licks the red from his teeth, the copper taste making his blood sing, and moves sneakily behind the other, sharp edge of the blade slipping and severing leather against his back before he slides away again, like a breeze. He’ll go for the necklace next, press the blade right up against that tanned skin—- that is, if Vaas doesn’t manage to catch him first.
i
was going to offer to cook something for you because my cooking is the
best in the fucking galaxy but keep eating your fucking salads instead i
hope you die in salad hell
now that doesn’t sound very nutritional. what about your vitamins? it’s no wonder you look like shit all the time !!
also, wow rude, and here I was about to send you something nice, like the wonderful, charming, handsome motherfucker I am. I hope you like moonshot barrages instead
also
i dont think you have the capability to send anything “nice”, it would
probably just be a sock you stole from someone you killed who just
happens to have the same foot size as me and you know what??? i have
enough socks so fuck you
i
dont look like shit all the time i only look like shit 95% of the time
but excuse me I TAKE EVERY SINGLE VITAMIN INCLUDING VITAMIN W
well i have yet to see the other 5% so
also how dare you I’d send both socks and I’d even have them washed first !! that’s more than my grandma sends me for Mercenary Day so suck it up, it could be worse !! I could be sending you– i dunno, uh, lets say a clap-trap for instance. Don’t make me get creative, cupcake.
dont
take after your grandma, break the cycle motherfucker. just because my
mom was into incest doesnt mean im into it too now does it?? i broke the
fucking cycle. fight her to the death
oh don’t worry, that old crone is well on her way out already. speaking of, i might have a job for you later—- also how should i know what kinda freaky shit you’re into ??
uh-uuuuuuh, you lost your chance for free nice things, now you’ve gotta earn it, like a good boy.
you
know what creepy shit im into and you know i want you to give me what
you were going to give me!!! im not going to get on my knees and beg
fuck you just give me the thinggggggg ill cook for you
might??? dont cocktease me like that, give me something to do you cocksucker
well i mean looking at you now, i can hazard a few guesses
and i dunno kiddo, you’ve already gone and put the idea in my head, i mean– i might just like you better on your knees. besides i already ate, and needy is such a good look on you. tell me how baaaad you want it. and maaaaybe, just maybe, i’ll send it to you. and i promise you it wont be just a pair of socks.
i
want it really, really bad. super bad. i want it more than i want to
fuck the shit out of you. pleaseeeeeeee??? ill be a “good boy” even
though i already am I MEAN I DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT ME TO DO ANYWAY
dont call me kiddo you piece of shit what the fuck
haha omg fuck i got a good laugh out of that one
how ‘bout fire cracker, then? i mean– you’ve got quite the freakin’ attitude, so. or maybe papi, that sounds like something you’d be into. tarzan???
alright, alright already– how does some nice shiny Hyperion weaponry sound? it’s technically still ‘’’’experimental’’’’ but if you idiots do manage to blow yourselves up with them, it’ll be like killing two bandits with one box of highly volatile chemicals !! and also hilarious
alsoooo, i have a bottle of rum with your name on it so come see me maybe, jerkass
shut the fuck up holy shit you are old and you need to accept that fact come here motherfucker i dont give a shit
if im old that makes you a fucking fetus and hey guess what i don’t hang out with fetuses. maybe i should send you a babysitter?? does baby need his bottle??
don’t call me old i’ll moon blast ur entire island
is bottle codeword for dick??? because if so, yes i fucking do you fucking broken hip wrinkly assed grandpa blast it i dont give a fuck kill me you asshole
u fucking wish and maybe i WILL, teach this whiny baby a lesson– y’know, learn to respect your elders. or something. fuck.
nah age is irrelevant when it comes to respect do you know how fucked up it is that we teach our kids that they are supposed to respect elders no matter what??? the elderly are fucking assholes and sometimes dont deserve respect and if kids grow up with that mindset they are basically being brainwashed to believe that its ok to be treated like shit and they have to be nice to people who are assholes to them and thats so fucking stupid anyway im 27 fuck you
yeah ok i feel you there but still respect meeeee!! ( ᴡʜɪɴᴇs ʟᴏᴜᴅʟʏ )
27, huh? don’t worry pumpkin you’ve still got a long way to go, ( sɪɴɢsᴏɴɢs ) i can show yooou the woooorld
Not going to stop whining. Ever. He is, however, going to wrap his arms around Jack’s waist and press his cheek against his shoulder. Behold the fucking sight of actual puppy Vaas Montenegro.
smooches your forehead. pinches your eeeeear who’s a good puppyyyy, yes you aaaaare
Nooooo stop it you perverted old man. You are ruining the fucking moment!!! Besides, you are on MY lap, so you’d be getting the bone this time, not me.
HA ! it’s cute you think we were having a moment ( he says that, but he was totally diggin’ it, shh ) y’know, you keep saying that, sassafras, but i have yet to see you step up to the plate ( ᴛᴜɢs ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴀɪʀ )
