Labyrinthine Cliffs - Bazaar Docks
Olmakhan Visitor #2: Did Rox explain anything about the nature of “haggling”?
Olmakhan Visitor #1: She mentioned it. Seemed like a lot of work. I just told them what I thought it was worth and they didn’t argue.
Olmakhan Visitor #2: Right. It’s possible, sister, that the merchant thought you were threatening them.
Olmakhan Visitor #1: Threatening? How? I was smiling the whole time.
Olmakhan Visitor #2: Baring your teeth.
Olmakhan Visitor #1: Ah, yes. I see now. Should I go and apologize, or…?
Olmakhan Visitor #2: Let’s just enjoy the rest of the festival before we return to the village.
… okay. Let me preface this with this: If you people like the Olmakhan: it’s fine by me. It’s none of my business, I won’t think any less of you for that fact alone, since taste running unique is a thing. If they’re exactly what you’re looking for, more power to ya, have fun and enjoy.
I do get asked for commissions with the Olmakhan every now and again, and I turn them all down. Feel free to consider this my explanation.
That said… now comes the annoyed rant.
Okay, I was trying my best to ignore this in-game eyesore for some… what, four months now? I swear I really, really tried.
But… I’m sorry. NO.
I was never that impressed with the Olmakhan. Diet Pandaren sitting on a deserted island, half ripping off the Last Airbender, half ripping off Kodan culture of natural balance, and using mostly the rather underwhelming gemstore faces and flashy flowy l’Oreál hair were never ever gonna be my thing. I admit I like my charr vanilla. I love the sleek, simpler designs of non-uncanny-valley faces that don’t look like they’re melting in the sun, I love that my charr have actual manes and not an oversized tribble or an 80s tacky wig sitting atop their head. And I love that my charr are charr. Not really a warrior/military culture, not really a beastly race, not really a technocratic society. Just charr, in their whole complicated unique self. Brought up in tight warbands or alone, embracing magic or distrusting it, following orders or cutting loose, enjoying the city life or living a recluse, legionnaires or gladiums alike.
Olmakhan just trade all of that complexity for a cheap children-of-the-earth schtick, but eh, whatever, if it were just that, I’d just shrug, move on and ignore them. But this is the last straw that breaks me. I admit it. I absolutely hate these abhorrent things.
To be clear: I have nothing against the basic idea, I actually find it great and interesting. Charr who embrace magic, but reject the Flame Legion mentality? Awesome. Even charr who refuse their race’s technology would be cool with me. Both at the same time? That’s kind of grating my gears, but I’ll still get used to that.
But the Olmakhan just make no bloody sense. We have these weird Charr Amish who split from the Legions measly 200 years ago (which, from societal standpoint, is a spit in the sea for advanced cultures). If they branched out 500+, 1000 years ago, I’d gnash some teeth but say “FINE, I GUESS!” in the end. But no. Measly. Two. Centuries. In spite of this, the Olmakhan are not really a separate branch of the charr, but anti-charr. A weird, naive, sylvari-like treeloving culture of born-yesterdays that has no idea what the world looks like, despite having evidence of it literally on their front porch.
Granted, we haven’t seen any real charr architecture from around the time of the Olmakhan split, but a) things like urban development don’t really come to a culture overnight and b) the whole damn Black Citadel was being constructed over the ruins of Rin around the same time. Despite having to know how to build, they decided to live in straw huts, because I guess at least simple stone and shingle housing is too technologically advanced and one can only embrace the true natural balance when they get sea draft on their arse every night.
On one hand, they have to have basic metallurgy skills, because they still make garden hoes and tools and made that whole… tribal council to vote people off of thing in the crashed airship. On the other hand… yeah, straw huts talks of natural balance. (Wouldn’t it make more sense that in their “embraced magic” balanced state, they’d use… you know… actual magic to work their fields and build their straw huts instead of them mean unnatural metal things?).
On one hand, communual lifestyle of shared resources and cubs and working for community, fine. It doesn’t really work in reality, but okay, fantasy game. But NOT KNOWING BASIC BARTERING (which haggling IS)?! That’s not being a kibutz-running amish charr, that’s being a complete and utter idiot (and don’t even get me started on “oh, but you were showing teeth”, since THAT should actually work vice-versa). Even societies living in the absolute sharing mentality still know basic trade-off is a thing.
On one hand, Rox tries to sell them as “surprisingly good fighters” (which makes me question which brilliant strategist brought them to a friggin war front and put them on the front line if them being good fighters comes off as a “surprise”), one the other, you can hear an Olmakhan saying they “haven’t fought in generations” and that he has trouble adjusting. (Just. Pick one. PLEASE.)
And last but not least, all of their dialogue just pisses me off. They have this wannabe-timeless vibe of the noble druid-like forest sages, but instead of profoundly wise, they come off as one of the most grating iterations of the “noble savage” trope.
“Is that really your kin… your ancestors?”
Is that really the language you want to see from a damn charr?
I’m not saying they should embrace the whole Buffy-esque almost teenage snarky commentary speak the Commander seems to have wild with previous LS season (that’s also annoying as hell, just in the opposite direction), but it’s one of the things that makes them annoyingly preachy.
And this? This just takes the bloody cake. Somebody please call the legions and ship these dunces a thesaurus. At least one. To share.
That is, provided they can even read considering that’s unnatural and civilized and all…