## Preface

Kiss the Razor
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at https://archiveofourown.org/works/56857309.

Rating:
  Mature
Archive Warning:
  Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Category:
  F/M
Fandom:
  Slay the Princess (Visual Novel)
Relationships:
  The Long Quiet/The Princess (Slay the Princess), The Player | The Hero/The Razor (Slay the Princess), The Player | The Hero/The Princess (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Smitten/The Razor (Slay the Princess), The Long Quiet/The Razor (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Stubborn/The Razor (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Hero/The Razor (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Cheated/The Razor (Slay the Princess)
Characters:
  The Razor (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Smitten (Slay the Princess), The Narrator (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Hero (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Cheated (Slay the Princess), The Princess (Slay the Princess), The Player | The Hero (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Stubborn (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Skeptic (Slay the Princess), Voice of the Contrarian (Slay the Princess)
Additional Tags:
  Razor-typical silliness, Razor-typical violence, Kissing, smitten has a plan, It works really well, for a little while, Don't worry about that graphic description of injury warning, this is probably gonna go great, Bit of femdom, Bit of bloodplay, Razor gets to have fun here okay, M-rating is mostly for chapter 3, All the voices appear in chapters 2 and 3, but half of them are pretty quiet so things don't get too crowded, Romantic swashbuckling, Razor's blade-based seduction techniques, Content warning for toxic relationships in chapter 3, Telling Razor to get creative is definitely a really good idea, Consensual yet extremely fucked up kisses
Language:
  English
Series:
  Part 1 of Kiss the Princess
Stats:
  Published: 2024-06-23 Completed: 2024-08-08 Words: 11,410 Chapters: 3/3

# Kiss the Razor

by Vickysaurus

Summary

> The Voice of the Smitten has a plan to deal with Razor. Let's see how it works out.

> (What if you could kiss the Razor?)

## Chapter 1: Love Bites

Chapter Notes

> Exactly what it says on the tin: what if you could kiss the Razor? Set right after you come back from getting skewered after giving her The Look.

> Content warnings for graphic description of violence because uhhh Razor reasons don't worry about it.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

The Narrator: “You’re on a- wait, why are you with the Princess already?”

Voice of the Hero: “Well, THAT didn’t work.”

Voice of the Cheated: “Yeah, whose stupid idea was it to waste The Look on the murderous knife monster anyway?”

Voice of the Smitten: “Ahh, calm down, dear fellow… what blossoming romance doesn't hurt at least a little bit? What matters is she likes us. She even said as much!"

Hero: “Oh, a new one of us.”

Cheated: “Great, this one sounds like a useless idiot.”

The Princess: “Oh, hi! You came right back here! Great! Then I don’t need to wait to skewer you again!”

Smitten: “Ah, right back into the arms of our love!”

Hero: “I’m afraid that’s the blades of our… love?”

Smitten: “Now leave this to me, fellows. This will require a careful, tender touch.”

Cheated: “No way, that kind of bullshit got us killed last time!”

Smitten: “No-one ever said to love another was easy, or without struggle. But I tell you, with another try we can reach out to our star-crossed lover and walk out of here unskewered and hand in loving… blade.”

Hero: “I don’t know if-“

Cheated: “So she can slice our hands to bits too? Hard pass.”

The Narrator: “Now hold on, no-one is walking out of anywhere hand in anything! You’re here to-“

Cheated: “Slay her? More like be slain!”

Smitten: “Now if you’ll just let me work my plan…”

The Narrator: “I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I know you should NOT listen to that voice.”

The Princess: “Aww come on, do something already! Well, ready or not, here I come!”

The Narrator: “The Princess advances on you, blade raised. Whatever you’re going to do, now’s the time!”

Smitten: “Just follow my lead…”

·“Please, my beautiful angel of blades, you truly are a skewerer without equal, but can’t you and I find something else at least as fun to do together?”

The Narrator: “A blush spreads across the Princess’s cheeks as she advances upon you, giggling coyly. She does not, however, lower her blade, as she lunges at you-“

Smitten: “We smoothly dodge her blade, catching her lithe body in our strong arms, and dip her like the bladely dance this truly is.”

Cheated: “Oh, that’s not a bad move, we got her now.”

The Narrator: “Indeed you do. She looks up at you wide-eyed and blushing as you harmlessly sidestep and catch her. Now would be the perfect opportunity to slay-“

Smitten: “Ignore His heartless blather. There is a much greater opportunity here. Kiss her! Kiss her now! This is the perfect moment!”

Hero: “Can we actually do that?”

The Narrator: “What? No! No, I’m not having it! No way! I veto it.”

Cheated: “I’m willing to give it a try, she's kind of cute when she's not killing us. And also 'cause I'm not letting Him think He gets a veto over anything.”

· [Kiss the Princess]

The Narrator: “(frustrated sigh) Fine! Fine. You kiss the cruel, world-ending monstrosity. Happy now?”

Smitten: “Come on! You can do better than that! Give us a proper description!”

Cheated: “Yeah! I wanna know what it’s like!”

The Narrator: “No way. I have my dignity.”

Hero: “Don’t you have a job to do properly too? What about your professional dignity?”

The Narrator: “Oh, fine. You stare into the Princess’s eyes, and she stares into yours as you hold her underneath you. She is probably about to skewer you when you press your lips against hers. A small gasp escapes her and she almost goes limp in your hands before she reciprocates eagerly. Despite the slightly metallic taste of her lips, your mutual feeling of joy is truly unbounded as you hold this vicious monster tightly and kiss her.”

Smitten: “Ah-ha, what did I tell you, fellows? She just needs a loving touch and she’s like putty in our hands!”

Hero: “Amazing! I can’t believe it worked after all!”

Cheated: “Yeah, guess he’s not as stupid as I thought! What happens next?”

The Narrator: “Well. You kiss for a while, a soft giggle escaping the Princess’s lips as they press against yours. The happy moment seems to last forever. And then… um. Oh dear.”

Hero: “What? What is it?”

The Narrator: “Um. Well. She starts opening her mouth into the kiss.”

Cheated: “Woah, this is getting real good!”

Smitten: “Ahh, she truly is a creature of passion. Well then, let me continue to take the wheel, fellows, I can assure you I know what to do…”

The Narrator: “Um. Yes. She opens her mouth into the kiss and - oh I see.”

Hero: “What does she do?”

The Narrator: “You feel a sudden, sharp pain erupt from your beak to your chin as her metal teeth bite down on the entire lower half of your face.”

Cheated: “What?! That’s such bullshit!”

Smitten: “Now hold on, darling…”

The Narrator: “You try to pull back, to let her go, but your ‘darling’’s blade arms have caught around your back, cutting into it as she holds herself up. But the pain of the blades slicing into your back is nothing compared to the razor-sharp teeth digging into your face, drawing copious amounts of blood. And with muffled laughter, she bites down. Hard. Bones shatter and sinews sever as her jaws agonisingly dig down through your entire face, her teeth eventually meeting somewhere in what used to be your mouth.”

Smitten: “Now hold on, this isn’t quite what I was going for…”

Cheated: “Total. Bullshit.”

The Narrator: “But she does not care what you were ‘going for’. She rips what remains of your face off as she finally pulls back from the grisly kiss. You try to scream, but your throat is filling up with the blood oozing from the ruin of your mouth. The Princess laughs a laugh muffled by gore as she stands up, spitting your face onto the ground.”

Cheated: “Hey! That’s ours!”

The Narrator: “The Princess’s face is streaming with your blood, but not nearly as much as yours is.”

The Princess: “You’re right, that was so much more fun than just skewering you immediately! These romantic murders really are something special! I can’t wait to see what you think of next time, hihi!”

Hero: “There’s gotta be something we can still do…”

The Narrator: “Not really. You’re standing there with half a face, drowning in the blood pouring from the other half. The pain alone is truly overwhelming. Mercifully, she skewers you.”

Smitten: “I admit this wasn’t ideal, but hear me out, fellows, perhaps if next time we-“

Cheated and Hero: “NO!”

Chapter End Notes

> Despite the other Voices' reluctance, Smitten's plan is not yet done, as there is a second chapter now!

> Remember to leave a comment and let me know what you think! Comments are a writer's lifeblood.

## Chapter 2: A Dance of Steel

Chapter Notes

> You should never let a little face-biting get in the way of a good plan, so enjoy this second chapter!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Voice of the Hunted: “The cage is getting smaller and smaller. Running isn’t an option any more, we have to fight.”

Voice of the Stubborn: “Good, without a fight no-one can win, and if no-one can win, then nothing has any meaning. Let’s get her!”

The Narrator: “She skewers you.”

The Princess: “Oooh, not bad! Real tough!”

Voice of the Smitten: “Princesses are not to be slain, they are precious beings meant to be loved.”

Voice of the Cheated: “Shut up.”

Voice of the Cold: “She’s going to kill this body either way. So stop feeling what it feels.”

Narrator: “She skewers you.”

The Princess: “Aww, no screaming this time?”

Smitten: “We do not need to feel less, we need to feel more.”

Voice of the Hero: “That seems like the last thing we need right now, mate.”

Voice of the Opportunist: “Let’s appeal to her better nature! We haven’t tried that. I’m sure she’ll listen to reason.”

The Narrator: “She skewers you.”

Smitten: “Perhaps now, we can try my idea?”

Cheated: “No, your idea was the worst one yet!”

Narrator: “And then you skewer yourself.”

The Princess: “I thought we both understood that dying doesn’t get you anywhere.”

Voice of the Contrarian: “Huh, that didn’t do much of anything. We’re tougher than I thought.”

Smitten: “Why would we fall on our sword when our beloved-”

Cheated: “Next!”

Voice of the Broken: “What’s the point? It’s all the same.”

The Narrator: “She skewers you.”

The Princess: “Oh, don’t give up on me just yet! You gotta keep going!”

Smitten: “A sign of affection from our darling!”

Hero: “Is it really, though?”

Voice of the Paranoid: “Just panic! Flee!”

The Narrator: “She skewers you.”

The Princess: “No, you don’t get to escape! That’s not how this works.”

Smitten: “I’ll remind you my plan allowed us to survive for a while, and it was oh so enjoyable while it lasted.”

Cheated: “NO, getting our face bitten off was n o t fucking enjoyable!”

Voice of the Skeptic: “None of this is working! Think. Think!”

The Narrator: “She skewers you.”

Cheated: “Anyone else got any ideas?”

Smitten: “I do!”

Cheated: “Anyone at all?”

Smitten: “I have an idea! I do!”

Cheated: “No-one? Seriously?”

Smitten: “Me! Me!”

Hero: “Maybe we should just hear him out?”

Cheated: “No, he got us killed in the worst way. She laughed about it!”

Skeptic: “Past performance is no guarantee of future results. Any idea is better than no idea.”

Stubborn: “We have to keep trying! What are you scared of, a little face biting? We’ll bite her right back!”

Cheated: “No, no, no, there has to be a better way than listening to him! Anyone?”

Broken: “...We could just lie face down on the ground where we belong and wait for her to skewer us…”

The Princess: “Hellooo? Why are you just standing there like a dead fish? Wake up, this is no fun!”

The Narrator: “She skewers you.”

Smitten: “The Princess is disappointed in us! Please, just allow me to speak my mind, we can’t let this happen again.”

Contrarian: “I’m with him, it’s more fun if we do something. Besides, it was actually really funny when he kissed her and got our face bitten off.”

Cheated: “Fine! Is your plan ‘Kiss the Princess again’?”

Smitten: “There’s more to it than just that.”

Cheated: “Then just give us your stupid bloody idea already!”

Smitten: “Thank you! Thank you so much, fellows! I’ve been thinking-”

Cheated: “You think?”

Smitten: “(Sigh) Only of her. But you must have noticed there is absolutely nothing to do in our beloved’s cruel, jagged prison. It is a truly awful fate for her to be locked up in such a bare, miserable environment.”

Cheated: “Oh, boo-hoo, you think she’s having a bad time? Just look at her sick grin every time she skewers us and you’ll feel so much better.”

Smitten: “Exactly. We are the only thing for her to entertain herself with in here. So naturally, she does so repeatedly, since it is the only action worth taking, the only thing that has ever brought her joy. Her life would be so empty without us.”

Paranoid: “Without us? Are you suggesting we leave? We tried that, and the ‘stairs’ were too slippery. We fell on our face and slid right back down to her awaiting blades.”

Smitten: “Not at all, that would be the greatest cruelty we could possibly inflict upon our darling Princess. There is nothing that makes me happier than to bring joy to her life, but there is no reason to think being skewered is the only way we could entertain her. We already know she reciprocates our affection-”

Cheated: “Your affection.”

Contrarian: “Who was it that called her cute again?”

Cheated: “Shut up.”

Smitten: “All we need to do is make her see we are worth more to her as a lover than as a murder victim. Show her how much we care about her, how much we want her to be happy. Reach out to her with a gentle, loving hand, and she may come to respond in kind.”

The Narrator: “You’re on a-”

Hero: “Oh, we’re back.”

Smitten: “And I shall take it from here. Look, our beloved has put her blades away, perhaps she already wants to take a soft approach to us, and soft she truly can be. I could never forget the feeling of her alluring lips upon ours…”

Cheated: “Just don’t forget about her alluring teeth.”

Smitten: “I could never. What could be more beautiful than a big, wide smile full of teeth so sharp we could use their reflection to-”

Hero: “If you’re gonna do your plan, focus.”

The Princess: “Oh hi! Welcome back! It took you a while this time, but now you’re here again!”

· “Did you miss me?”

The Princess: “Only figuratively, I’d never literally miss you!”

The Narrator: “There’s a wet sound of metal slicing through flesh as blades erupts from the Princess’s arms, and she advances upon you, a sharp grin on her face.”

· “I know, you’re truly phenomenal with those blades. What would you do if I stopped coming back to li fe?”

The Narrator: “For just a moment, the Princess’s grin vanishes before immediately returning.”

The Princess: “But you always do come back! And then I skewer you!”

The Narrator: “She skewers you.”

Cheated: “Good job. Real good job. Give the man a round of applause, everyone.”

Smitten: “I didn’t even get to do anything yet, do not cast blame on me!”

The Narrator: “You’re on a-”

· “I just wanted to ask because I’m not sure how many times I’ll come back, and I’m worried about you if I die properly. Maybe we could just have a truce and talk about that over a drink?”

The Narrator: “An uneasy frown appears on the face of the Princess, who you are apparently already familiar with, for just a moment before blades erupt out of her arms and her face splits into a big smile.”

The Princess: “Don’t worry about silly things like that, you’re never going to abandon me and I’m never going to stop skewering you!”

The Narrator: “She sk-”

Smitten: “We elegantly dodge her attack and plant a kiss on her cheek in passing.”

The Narrator: “You try to dodge the Princess with an elegant heel turn, but start it too late, merely succeeding in turning a thrust to your heart into a deep cut into your flank. You do, unfortunately, succeed in kissing the Princess’s cheek. She spins around with a pirouette of her own, a blush on her face, her blades aimed at you once again.”

The Princess: “Oh, you want to get back to romantic murders? That’s fine by me, that’s great even, I love it, but you’re gonna have to get more creative with it. I don’t wanna keep doing the same thing, if you want to make it a blade date you can’t let things get stale, I wanna be entertained!”

· “That’s rich, coming from you. You’re just gonna have a new blade show up from somewhere and skewer me like you’ve done all this time. Now that’s getting stale.”

The Princess: “Blades stale? Now that’s funny, that’s a joke, I know you could never get bored of me stabbing you! But I wasn’t going to bring out more anyway, you’re just being a silly grumpy birdface making unfounded assumptions about me again.”

Cheated: “Yeah, right, totally unfounded.”

Smitten: “Please, allow me to work my magic without interruption, it does not help to rile her up.”

Skeptic: “We actually just stumbled on some very useful information. But we can talk about that later.”

· “Oh, your coruscat ing blades are ever impressive and viciously sharp. But I’m sure you’ve got other tricks than just bringing out more of them cooking up behind those pretty eyes too, my cunning cutlassed cut-lass.”

The Narrator: “The Princess blushes and bashfully touches her blades to her cheeks.”

The Princess: “Hehe, flattery will get you everywhere. I’ve got a blade right here that I’m gonna stick right into your heart so lovingly.”

Stubborn: “She’s coming again! Give it our all!”

Cheated: “There goes your stupid plan, she’s always gonna keep fighting us.”

Smitten: “Please, my friend, observe how combat can be a continuation of romance by other means. In fact, of all ways to fight, the art of swashbuckling is perhaps the most romantic.”

Stubborn: “Yesss, my kind of romance! Parry! Thrust! Riposte!”

Skeptic: “Parry at the tip of her swords, she can put the least amount of force on that part. We can make our blade’s small size an advantage if we let physics do the work for us.”

The Narrator: “You and the Princess clash, dancing around each other. Even if you could match her skill and speed, it would still be one small blade against two large ones. The Princess grins devilishly, her eyes and teeth shining in the close quarters as she toys with you like a cat with a mouse.”

Hunted: “The mouse may yet survive if it is quick and doesn’t let itself be distracted. Keep our defence up and get ready to dodge when she lunges.”

Smitten: “Yes, we must remain light-footed, make this a gorgeous dance of steel!”

The Narrator: “You defend, you dodge, and you whirl around each other like two dancers. Despite the Princess’s advantages, you manage to protect your vital areas, only cuts to your extremities bloodying her blades. But you are slowly backed around the basement and soon find yourself cornered against the stairs.”

Cheated: “The slope.”

The Narrator: “Yes, the slope. You feel it begin to rise up, unbalancing your back foot. The Princess notices and her metallic grin gleams.”

The Princess: “You’re getting pretty good! You’re really improving, sheathie, well done! But I’ve still got a long, sharp lesson for you!”

The Narrator: “The Princess’s blade flashes and-”

Hunted: “This is it! Drop down and dodge!”

The Narrator: “The Princess’s move, designed to cut off your hand and skewer you all at once, hits nothing but dead air as you drop, wildly unbalancing her.”

Stubborn: “Grab her legs and topple her!”

The Narrator: “You throw yourself around the Princess’s hips and give her unbalanced body a further push. She falls, twisting around as she does so, a blade cutting off half your feather crest and one plumicorn but missing your head. She lands on the slope and you land on top of her, the pristine blade flashing as you manage to give her shoulder a cut.”

· “And I’ve got a little tip for you, get the point?”

The Narrator: “Your hands find the base of the Princess’s blades, pinning them down but leaving you unable to use your own blade. The Princess breathes heavily as she tries to escape your pin; she is a bit stronger, but with gravity on your side you manage to keep her in place on the slope.”

Smitten: “Watch her eyes shine with love, feel her heart pound, watch her swoonsome grin sparkle! This truly is the romance and intimacy of swashbuckling.”

Stubborn: “Yes! Mortal enemies locked in close quarters, buckling a swash together; hearts pounding, sweat glistening, weapons clashing, eyes only for each other!”

The Narrator: “You’re stuck wrestling on the slope, neither able to truly defeat the other. Instead you start… making faces at her?”

Hero: “Wait, are we giving her The Look again?”

Smitten: “It worked well last time, it cannot hurt to throw it in! It’s a classic.”

The Princess: “I already know you’re a real charmer! I wanna see what else you’ve got in store. I wanna see new tricks. Like this one!”

The Narrator: "The Princess winks as you once again hear the sound of metal slicing through meat, a blade emerging from her upper arm. But though you prepare to be skewered by it, you are not. Instead, it cuts into her own lower arm, severing the useless, dangling sack of flesh it has become. Without the loose piece of skin attached to it, her blood-slick blade arm is much harder to keep a hold of, and she pulls it back out of your grip, slicing your palm as she pulls it all the way through. You try to pin it back down, but that gives her other arm a chance to escape and you lose all control of the situation. Within moments, she skewers you and throws you off her. She gives you a little wave as you lie on the floor, drawing your final breath.”

The Princess: “See you soon, my little pincushion.”

Cheated: “Yeah, that stupid idea didn’t work. Again!”

Skeptic: “Actually, I think the mushy one's insight is part of the solution. The Princess is bored in here without us, she likes the novelty we bring. She wants to be entertained, so she tells us to get creative, but she just keeps skewering us. We can use that lust for novelty to restrict her actions if we play this right, make her easier to deal with. Note how she didn’t use the extra blade to attack us, because we called her out on it earlier.”

Cheated: “So if we tell her she’s gonna cheat, she’s not gonna do it any more?”

Skeptic: “Think we have to be more specific about it than that, but yeah.”

The Narrator: “You’re on a-”

· “I’m back with more new ideas! But you’re gonna have to match me, Princess.”

The Narrator: “The Princess, who you are inexplicably already with, tilts her head and smirks.”

The Princess: “You know I can match anything you think of with ease.”

· “Yeah, yeah, I know. No matter what I do, your arm blades are about to come out and skewer me again. Don’t you think it’s getting a little predictable? A little boring? Maybe you’re the one who should get more creative.”

The Narrator: “The Princess pouts and looks down at her hands, but then a wicked grin spreads slowly.”

The Princess: “Of course, I can be so very creative! Not that arm blades ever do get boring, but I am full of so much possibility in addition to so many blades, and I will be delighted to show you.”

Broken: “Why’d we have to go and tell her to get creative? We’re going to regret this so much…”

Cold: “I wonder what she’ll think of, this should be interesting.”

Cheated: “I just hope she gets too fancy for her own good and trips up.”

Broken: “I bet it’s gonna be even worse than getting our face bitten off … And that really hurt.”

The Narrator: “You and the Princess circle each other, watching every move the other makes.”

· “ You know, w e could get out of here together, you and I. I’m sure we could climb the ramp if we cooperated, and then I could show you the world, give you a tour! We could do anything we want out there. You don’t have to stay in the basement.”

The Narrator: “Don’t you dare! But thankfully, the Princess just laughs in the face of your world-ending proposal.”

The Princess: “Why would I want to leave when I’ve got everything I want right-”

The Narrator: “She’s upon you in an instant, the sound of steel slicing flesh the only warning as she lunges across the room in an instant. Before you can even react, her blade arm embeds itself in the wall just in front of you with the horrid sound of two pieces of metal scraping on each other, clipping three chest feathers.”

The Princess: “-here?”

Opportunist: “She missed us!”

Stubborn: “Hold your tongue, she does not miss! Not by accident, anyway.”

The Narrator: “You freeze and back up against the wall as the Princess leans in close with a smirk, her blade blocking the way forward.”

Hunted: “Back away slowly, looking her in the eye. Never turn your back on a predator.”

The Narrator: “As you take a step sideways to flee, a blade emerges from the Princess’s other arm and embeds itself into the wall on your other side. You are caged in between two blades and the Princess’s pointed grin.”

The Princess: “No, you’re not going anywhere.”

Hero: “O-oh. She’s got us now. Wh-what do we do?”

Hunted: “No way out… Can’t flee, fighting never works… Freeze.”

Broken: “We have no power here, and we never had… Just wait and see what she does to us… ”

The Narrator: “You scratch your neck and look away in… I’m gonna give you the benefit of doubt and call it fear. A third flesh slicing noise turns your gaze downward. The Princess is standing on one leg, elegantly raising the other, a blade emerging from just above her knee. It does not, however, skewer you. She raises the blade to push it against your chin, tipping it up and forcing you to look her in the face. She tilts her head, raises an eyebrow, grins at you through rapidly fluttering eyelashes like steel bristles, and bites her lip, drawing a drop of her own blood.”

Hero: “Is that… her own Look? Oh no, I-I don’t think I can handle falling in love with a murderous knife monster…”

Smitten: “Glad to have you on board, my dear fellow, what else can one do when confronted with such raw sensuality?”

Cheated: “Oh-hoh, this is getting good after all! If she keeps it up, maybe she can make up for all the bullshit she pulled.”

Stubborn: “Don’t just let her pin us down, that’s a Look that begs for a good romp!”

Opportunist: “Oh, she’s brilliant. What a Princess. Even her thighs are weapons.”

Hunted: “Her teeth are sharp, her L ook can kill. Freeze. Just freeze.”

Cold: “What an interesting play, I wonder how she will kill us this time.”

Skeptic: “Woah, she’s fascinating. Her leg didn’t go limp like her arms, she must have somehow hinged it off her femur rather than using the whole bone.”

Contrarian: “Hey, our knees are getting weak, wouldn’t it be really funny if we fell and impaled ourselves on her thigh knife? Thife.”

Broken: “What a cruel fate to be damned to live and die repeatedly at the whims of a Princess who can wrap us around her little finger as easily as she can slaughter us.”

Paranoid: “She’s gorgeous! She’s gorgeous and she’s going to kill us! Panic!”

· [Scream]

The Narrator: “How heroic. The Princess laughs and licks her blood off her lip before raising her thigh blade to your lips, shushing you with a small cut.”

The Princess: “Shhh, that’s enough screaming for now, you can continue soon enough. First tell me who’s being creative: me, or screaming Mr. Birdface who’s screamed a thousand times before?”

Cheated: “Yeah, we’re not letting her have that win.”

Stubborn: “It was a battle cry.”

Opportunist: “Her arms are both stuck in the wall, she can’t actually do much to us. Prime time to stab her, boys.”

Hero: “Don’t, this is actually going sort of well, we’re making her think of us as a lover instead of an enemy, remember? Yeah she’s being a bit rough and scary but, uh, is that so bad? Also she does have that thigh blade at our throat.”

Contrarian: “Thife.”

Smitten: “Why would we fight back when we are right where we want to be? All we need to do is luxuriate in this blissful moment and allow her to do what she wants to us.”

· “It’s s till me!” [Surprise attack]

The Narrator: “As you try to stab her, a second blade erupts from her elbow, skewering your arm and pinning it to the wall. The pristine blade falls uselessly to the floor as your blood begins to flow. Before you can even think of doing something with your other arm, it too is pinned to the wall by more erupting blades. The Princess slowly draws a long, shallow gash into your face and neck with her thigh blade as she presses closer to you.”

The Princess: “No, that’s not how this works. You don’t get to fight back, I’m the one in control here. And now you’re gonna give me a very nice compliment that totally makes my day if you don’t want your face bitten off again.”

Cheated: “Again with the cheating, and she wants a reward for it too? We’ll just try again when we come back!”

Stubborn: “Well said, she can skewer our arms, but she can’t skewer our spirit.”

Broken: “She skewered that a long time ago…”

Hero: “I really don’t want our face bitten off again, let’s just be nice.”

Smitten: “I’ve got this, worry not.”

· “My breathtaking beauty of the blade, your cuts are even sharper and more acute than your wit, and your angular form even more enticing than the prospect of our mutual freedom at the top of th is slope. You are my pulchritudinous angel of death, yet I could never tire of your many bloody visits, no matter how painful. The dreams you shall undoubtedly star in every night of my life from now on will be indistinguishable between dream and nightmare.”

Cheated: “What’d we say?”

Contrarian: “We said she’s hot.”

Cheated: “That’s true at least.”

The Narrator: “The Princess blushes, her smile never fading. Her thigh blade has reached your chest by now, leaving a long, shallow gash. She pulls it back and licks your blood off its tip, maintaining eye contact the entire time.”

The Princess: “Aww, you’re sweet. At least you’re creative with your words, my little pincushion.”

The Narrator: “Before you can reply, she presses up against you, sandwiching you between her angular body and the jagged wall. Her face finds yours-”

Voice of the Paranoid: “Nononononono not again!”

The Narrator: “But, though her kisses are rough and you do feel her metal teeth draw your lips’ blood, your face stays attached for now. Pinned down, you can do little but accept and reciprocate her kisses and you, ugh, do so eagerly. Her body rubs against yours, her every curve and angle pressed into you. You are in her power, your arms oozing blood down the wall, no escape and no victory possible. Yet for a moment, all your fear and pain melts into a heavy cocktail of love and pleasure, becoming simply another flavour mixed in. When you part, the Princess grins her huge array of knife-like teeth bare, your blood on her lips.”

The Princess: “Look at that, your delicious face is still fully attached and I didn’t even think of biting it off and laughing at your silly oozing hole head again! Aren’t I just so lovely and creative?”

· “Y-”

The Narrator: “A thrust of her leg drives her thigh blade deep into your abdomen.”

The Princess: “That’s what I thought.”

Cheated: “Dammit! Seriously?”

The Narrator: “I’m afraid so. She pulls back and stabs your abdomen a few more times, never hitting high enough to kill you in a single strike. Your legs buckle and you drop as life starts to leave your body, but you’re still suspended by your arms, pinned to the wall. You glare up at the Princess.”

The Princess: “What’s wrong, sheathie? I left your face alone, it’s too cute to mar! ...But on the other hand…”

The Narrator: “As you hang there bleeding your last upon the floor, the Princess’s thigh blade reaches your upper lip and starts making a series of shallow cuts.”

Cheated: “Is she… carving a silly moustache into our face?!”

Contrarian: “She’s real handy with the thife.”

Cheated: “Stop trying to make ‘thife’ happen, it’s not gonna happen.”

The Narrator: “The Princess giggles as she examines her work.”

The Princess: “Hihi, your birdface looks ever sillier than usual! ...But it’s kind of cute. Just one more kissy.”

The Narrator: “She bends down to reach your dying form, and the last thing you experience is the metallic taste of her lips. Everything goes dark, and you die.”

Cheated: “Oh, we’re so gonna get her for that.”

Smitten: “Don’t let it wind you up, our salacious slaughterer simply got carried away by her passions a bit. Let her have her fun, I can tell she’s going soft on us.”

Hero: “I hate to say it, but we did live longer than ever before and she didn’t even bite our face off. Maybe it’s working? ...It was pretty fun too... ”

Cold: “You are quite easy to convince, aren’t you? Just takes a Look.”

Broken: “Every way we die hurts so much. I just want it to be over…”

Cheated: “I don’t care about the pain, I just wanna win! Once is enough!”

Smitten: “Ah, but in the game of love there are only winners, my friend. You shall have to adjust your mindset as we explore this most thrilling of journeys together.”

Opportunist: “I like journeys, they make-”

Cheated: “Don’t care, just wanna win. Just once.”

Chapter End Notes

> I wanna thank GettingMetaphysical, Lorcus, ASpooky, and Doctor_4wk4rd for our discussion of Razor's seduction methods, and blade kabedon in particular on the Black Tabby Games discord for giving me plenty of inspiration for this chapter.

> Remember to leave a comment and let me know what you think! Comments are a writer's lifeblood.

## Chapter 3: A Stab to the Heart

Chapter Notes

> Content warning for toxic relationships for this chapter. The M rating is also mostly for this one, proceed with caution.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

The Narrator: “You’re on a-”

The Princess: “Welcome back, sheathie, I’ve got a little surprise for you. You deserve it, you’ve been such a good pincushion…”

Voice of the Hero: “Uh, I don’t mean to be crude or anything, but-”

Voice of the Contrarian: “Did her boobs get bigger?”

Voice of the Skeptic: “No, she's simply pushing her arms together and bending towards us a bit to emphasise them.”

The Narrator: “I don’t know what’s going on, but I hate it already. In case you didn’t know, the Princess-”

Voice of the Cheated: “Yeah yeah, end of the world, slay her, blablabla, we know.”

· “Uh, h-hi. Ti- It’s nice to see you again. Why did you stab me?”

The Princess: “Because it was just so much fun, of course, and you did get pretty rude with that really poor attempt to stab me first. But don’t worry, I’m about to make it up to you...”

Voice of the Smitten: “Our angel of blades is walking towards us, see how she rocks her hips, her coy smile… Ahh, I can hear the wedding bells already, I can’t wait to call her our knife wife.”

Voice of the Hunted: “Do not be distracted by the siren’s lure, her teeth will be far sharper than her looks! Avoid her, circle her, and keep our eyes focused.”

Contrarian: “Oh, they’re focused alright.”

· [Circle the Princess]

The Narrator: “Some sanity remaining, you avoid the Princess as she comes at you. You each keep pacing, circling around each other on opposite sides of the basement, the Princess emphasising her, um, charms as she walks.”

The Princess: “What’s wrong, cuttee? Don’t you wanna see the surprise I have in store for you? It’s real good, so get your cute feathered butt over here already.”

Smitten: “If we’re going to avoid our beloved, at least flirt back with her, show her we’re interested.”

Hero: “I think our body language is on the flirting already.”

Skeptic: “We know there’s no escaping her, she can cross this room in an instant. She’s letting this be our own choice. I think we all know it’s a trap, but we might as well spring it.”

Cheated: “Oh, so she’s toying with us. Thinks she’s so much better than us.”

· “Oh Princess, why, you know I'm too shy."

Paranoid: "And terrified."

· "I’m really looking forward to your surprise, but maybe I could see it at a distance?”

The Narrator: “The Princess laughs coyly.”

The Princess: “Are you scared to approach me? But I’m just a sweet, innocent Princess and I miss having you close to me… Didn’t you have fun last time?”

· “I did, I had so much fun, you were really great. Until you started stabbing me. I didn’t much like that.”

The Narrator: “The Princess pouts cutely and pushes her elbows together to emphasise her, um, charms even more.”

Contrarian: “You know you’re allowed to say ‘boobs’, right? Boy, they sure are charming though.”

The Princess: “Aww, I’m sorry sheathie, let me make it up to you. I just got carried away, it’s really easy around you because you excite me so much. Come feel how fast my heart’s pounding if you don’t believe me...”

Hero: “She is definitely not sorry, but we are trying to keep her entertained so she’ll maybe stop stabbing us. I kinda wanna just spring the trap.”

Cheated: “No way, are we really giving her the satisfaction?”

Smitten: “I’m sure there’ll be plenty of that in store for us too.”

Contrarian: “Whatever she’s gonna do will probably be really funny. Plus, sounds like we’ll get to touch her boobs.”

· “Okay, I’ll come over. But it’d be really boring if you just stabbed me again with one of your arm or leg blades.”

The Princess: “I agree! That’d be predictable!”

· “Or one of your weird extra blades like the ones that came out of your shoulders or the secondary arm blades.”

The Princess: “I know, that wouldn’t be a very surprising surprise. Also I really want you near me again, so it’d be very silly of me to stab you about it.”

· “And it’d be really boring if you started biting again too!”

The Narrator: “The Princess laughs and bares her teeth, clacking them together a few times before wagging her tongue.”

The Princess: “Are you suuuure? Sounded to me like you thought the biting was real exciting. But fine, no biting off any birdfaces. Just come over here… Why are you being so paranoid?”

Paranoid: “D-does she know who I am? Has she been able to hear our voices all along? What else does she know?”

· “I just think you’re a cheeky sexy murderer and you’re somehow gonna skewer me the moment I get close to you, so prove me wrong.” [Step toward the Princess]

The Princess: “That’d be so predictable of me! So I’m not gonna do it. Come be safe here in not-stabbing range with me.”

Cheated : “That smile promises both nothing and also so much good.”

Smitten: “Whatever minxy plan our darling has thought up, I’m sure the good will easily outweigh the bad.”

The Narrator: “Drawn in by the Princess’s charms, you approach her, trying to keep your cool. The Princess immediately reaches for your hand.”

The Princess: “Finally, you silly pincushion, no need to be so nervous around me. I don’t bite… much. I just want you with me… Here, feel my heart pound for you.”

The Narrator: “The Princess pulls you in and lays your hand on her chest as she embraces you. You do feel her heart pound rapidly as her eyes bore into yours from so close by.”

Contrarian: “Hehehe, that’s not the only thing we feel though, is it?”

The Narrator: “I’ve had just about enough of you. All you had to do was slay the Princess and save the world. A very simple and easy mission, impossible to misunderstand. And I graciously signed up to be your guide in this quest. Instead you end up groping the Princess and expecting me to describe your disgusting, shameful actions as you make a mockery of the end of the world?”

Smitten: “Let me stop you right there, because there is nothing disgusting or shameful about acts of love. If anyone is making a mockery of this situation it is you. You are hardly worthy of narrating our steamy encounter with our lovely lady of lacerations. I can’t help but notice you were so busy crafting insults that you completely neglected to talk about the way we lovingly brushed our hand through her angular hair, nor the way she is fluffing up the plumage at our hips, or the passionate kiss we share, in addition to your refusal to speak of the affection we have shown her shapely bosom, tenderly petting its soft skin and rolling it in our hand, feeling its round form, its weight, its cushiony softness interrupted only by... three harder parts curiously resisting our caress, stirring inside as if something burrows inside her breast? Wait, they’re not supposed to feel like that.”

The Narrator: “The Princess’s smile suddenly turns into a devilish grin baring all her teeth-”

Paranoid: “LET GO! BACK OFF! RUN FOR OUR LIFE!”

Cheated: “Wha- OH SHIT!”

The Narrator: “You let go and jump back at the exact moment three pairs of blades erupt horizontally from the Princess’s chest, the lower two pairs ripping through her dress as well as her skin, leaving three bloody horizontal wounds connecting each blade to its counterpart. Just barely avoiding getting your hand chopped off, you back into the wall in terror. The Princess is after you, her six rib blades shearing and slicing like an insect’s mandibles, her chest a bloody patchwork.”

Contrarian: “Holy shit, she had a booby trap all along!”

Hero: “Don’t waste time on puns, just run!”

Stubborn: “No, we have to fight back, it’s just another weapon to overcome!”

Cheated: “Screw this, even her boobs have blades in them? That’s total-”

Skeptic: “We know!”

The Princess: “What’s wrong, sheathie, come give me a hug! Don’t be so shy.”

The Narrator: “As you panic, the Princess demonstrates her true, deadly speed. Within seconds, she is upon you, her curved rib blades closing in around you like the deadly teeth of a predator drawing you into its maw. You are forced into a close embrace as the blades slice into your arms, your sides, your back… But they only cut skin-deep. Then they stop. So do you, caught in the deadly grip of the Princess’s ribs, restrained by her blades, any movement likely to bring you injury. The blood dripping from her cut up chest soaks your plumage as you are pressed together. Her grin, centimetres away from your face, promises only death.”

The Princess: “You should’ve heard your screams, they were so funny! You are hilarious, and it’s gonna be funnier every time I kill you again.”

Hero: “Sh-she’s got us trapped again, even closer to her this time. Maybe if we’re just very nice to her she’ll treat us well?”

· “Woah, you’re full of surprises. This one’s... terrifying? Really cool... actually kind of hot. But doesn’t it hurt?”

The Narrator: “The Princess shrugs, her rib blades scraping over your back.”

The Princess: “I guess, but it’s gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me, and it was really funny when I got you!”

· “Why do you want to hurt me? I don’t want to hurt you, I want to make you happy.”

The Princess: “Then you should be glad, because you do make me happy and you can’t hurt me. I’m the one who hurts you, remember, you silly billy? And that’s what makes me happy! It’s like we’re made for each other, like a knife and a melon!”

The Narrator: “The Princess’s wounds are deep, you can see her heart beating through one of them. Even now, you still stand a chance. You are holding the pristine blade. Using it will likely cost you your life, but the Princess’s heart is unprotected, you can take her with you and save the world.”

Cheated: “Yeah! Let’s see how she likes suddenly getting stabbed while cuddling.”

Smitten: “Silence, do not be so cruel. Our dearest femme fatale has drawn us close to her, holding us to her bosom with her very ribs. She could not possibly have let us nearer to her. Do not seek to hurt her lovely heart because she has let herself be vulnerable with us, show her the love and care she needs instead. If she has pranked us, can we not have a sense of humour about it? If you wish to be her lover rather than her enemy, as I do, then perhaps this is simply what that looks like.”

Hero: “The skewering is just gonna continue forever if we kill each other. Get rid of the blade and talk to her, really talk to her.”

· “You got me, but I could’ve gotten you too, and I want you to know that.” [Drop the blade]

The Narrator: “Unbelievable. The Princess makes a mocking face.”

The Princess: “What’s that supposed to mean? You couldn’t have done anything to me with that silly knife, am I supposed to be impressed you dropped it?”

· “I’m granting you mercy. Will you please have mercy on me too?”

The Narrator: “The Princess giggles, her every motion agony as her rib blades dig into your arms and back.”

The Princess: “Mercy? Does this look like the face of mercy? Of course I won’t have ‘mercy’ on you, sheathie, I’m gonna slice you into cute fluffy ribbons! And then when you come back, I’m gonna do it again, and again, and again, and it’s never going to stop! And it’s going to be so, so much fun. For me, but for you there’s gonna be fun parts too, I do so love you, after all.”

The Narrator: “She mockingly caresses your face and your bloodsoaked chest.”

Smitten: “She loves us! She said she loves us!”

Hero: “Y-yeah, but she said a lot of other things too.”

Smitten: “I know! Oh, what a joyous fate to live and die at the sharp hands of such a beautiful woman.”

· “If you love me, please stop killing me. Why don’t you just come outside with me?”

The Princess: “Why would I ever do that when killing you is so much fun?”

The Narrator: “The Princess kisses you, slowly and sensually running her hands over your body. And you reciprocate vigorously despite the rib blades restraining you. As you part, your warm breath fogs up her metal teeth. The Princess speaks to you in a breathy whisper.”

The Princess: “See? It’s not all pain. There’s plenty of pleasure to be had too.”

· “I know, I just don’t want you to kill me any more. I’m not a toy.”

The Narrator: “The Princess laughs and runs a finger over your neck.”

The Princess: “But you are! You’re a toy, and you’re mine. You can accept that and have endless fun while I romantically butcher you, or you can cry and mope about it and we can stop the kissing and the fooling around and the sexy stuff and turn the romantic slaughter into good old platonic slaughter. I’ll have fun either way, because I could never not have fun with you. I’ll have more fun one way than the other, but it’s still your choice. I just hope you make the right one because I want you.”

The Narrator: “The rib blades slice into your sides, the Princess’s body pressed against yours, her eyes gaze hypnotically into yours from mere centimetres away, a cruel fire of possessive passion burning in them.”

Cold: “All we need to do is understand the deaths don’t matter. We come back anyway, what’s a little pain?”

Broken: “We are a toy. We should embrace it, pledge ourselves to her. We never had a choice.”

Cheated: “No, c’mon, we can’t just let her have that, we’re not pledging ourselves to anyone, least of all the Princess.”

Smitten: “It seems I was wrong, yet so very right. Perhaps her love for us will never cease to be a cruel one. So let us embrace our role as her beloved toy. To receive this much love from a lady so very cruel is truly worth all the pain, every drop of blood spilled.”

Skeptic: “No, this ain’t right. She doesn’t love us, not really, or she would care about our feelings too. We put up a boundary, and she’s made clear she doesn’t care about it. It’s not worth it, no matter how good it feels.”

Opportunist: “She caught us anyway, might as well make her feel good, butter her up a bit, have a good time. And then when we die, we pop back up and figure out a way outta here!”

Contrarian: “I don’t like how serious this got, can’t we just go back to having a laugh, touching her boobs, and ignoring the subtext?”

Paranoid: “Maybe she won’t hurt us as much if we do whatever she wants. If that makes us a toy, it’s better than the alternative.”

Stubborn: “Screw that, we’re no toy, she can do this our way or we’ll make her regret it!”

Hunted: “There is no way out. The only way to survive is to please the Princess. The happier we make her, the longer we live. It’s been the plan all along.”

Hero: “I-I can’t think! I love her, but I hate how she treats us, I just want to be with her without being hurt!”

The Princess: “Well? What are you?”

· “I’m… a toy.”

The Narrator: “The Princess laughs a cruel laugh.”

The Princess: “And whose toy are you?”

· “Yours, Princess.”

The Narrator: “The Princess croons as she kisses and bites a trail down your neck to your chest plumage, her face vanishing into the fluff. The grip of her rib blades loosens just a little, enough to allow her to bend without cutting into you. Your arms don’t have much room to move, but it’s enough to place your hands on her sharp hips and caress them, letting them wander around her thighs and her, well, bottom.”

The Princess: “That’s right, well done my lovely little pin cushion, you are my toy, for me to do with as I please, and I love you. You’re my sheath and my whetstone, my polish and my wax. You live and die at my whims, and that’s how it’s going to be forever. We’re gonna have so much fun together, and you deserve it so much!”

The Narrator: “The Princess comes back up, her face stained red from her own blood that soaked your chest. She lifts up her skirt, allowing your hands to slip underneath as you fondle and caress her. With a wicked grin, she holds up her left hand between your faces, and from each of her fingers a small stiletto blade erupts, leaving the digits themselves to flop uselessly without the bone. You squeal in fear, yet when the Princess starts using her fingerblades on you, sending them downward, she’s curiously soft with them. She simply strokes along your skin and combs along your feathers gently, lovingly, blissfully, using them with no more malevolence than she would with her fingers. The edges just ever so slightly dance along your skin, almost tickling more than they hurt. Yet there are sudden stings of sharp pain, red lines drawn into your flesh, some of them shallow and some of them deep, bleeding copiously. The pain only heightens your pleasure as you kiss her, full of fire, constantly aware she may decide to kill you at any moment, the terror only driving you on.”

The Princess: “If you want to know what the future looks like, imagine my blades lovingly cutting your flesh into ribbons. And I’ll do it over, and over, and over again, and it will be ecstasy. Just you, me, and your blood splattering the walls! Can you imagine anything more beautiful, more blissful?”

Smitten: “No future could be more beautiful than one in which she looms so large, her deadly blades lovingly killing us repeatedly.”

Broken: “So much pain… But that is simply what being with her is. It was never going to be anything else.”

Paranoid: “So much fear. She’s going to kill us, and it’ll happen whenever she thinks it’s funniest, and that could be any time!”

Hero: “I hate this, but I love this. I hate her, but I love her…”

· “I love you, Princess.”

The Narrator: “It’s all too much for you. The terror of her blades restraining you, her kisses and lovebites, her stiletto’d hand both caressing and cutting into your skin, the feeling of her body rubbing on yours, your hands fondling her soft curves. A sound somewhere between a moan and a scream escapes you, to the Princess’s delight. She croons viciously.”

The Princess: “See? Isn’t being romantically murdered by a sweet, sexy Princess just so much fun? We made this idea together, because there are so many different ideas in you! And blood! And I love that about you, because there is so much love in me! And blades!”

The Narrator: “The Princess brings her stiletto’d hand back into view and begins slowly, sensuously licking your blood off it.”

The Princess: “You are delicious! I could just eat you up!”

Cold: “She thinks she’s oh so intimidating. But two can play at that game.”

· “Princess, may I?”

The Narrator: “The Princess tilts her head and offers her hand. You copy her, making sure to make full eyecontact as you lick your own blood off her stiletto fingers. The Princess gasps and shudders.”

Skeptic: “Oh, does she have tactile feedback from the blades? Fascinating. ”

· “Do you… feel what happens to your blades?”

The Narrator: “The Princess blushes deeply and rolls her eyes.”

The Princess: “Obviously, they’re part of my body! Do you feel what happens to your silly bird tail?”

The Narrator: “She reaches down and draws a cut across your tail with a finger before bringing her hand back up and looking at you with a sheepish frown.”

The Princess: “I... didn’t say you should stop, though.”

The Narrator: “The Princess offers her bloodied hand up again, and by the time you reach her fourth finger she moans in delight and thrusts forward with a passionate kiss, tackling you both to the ground in a tangle of limbs. The impact drives her rib blades deep into your back, severing your spine and cutting into your lungs. Your lower body goes completely numb. The Princess is so lost in her pleasure that it takes her a little while of passionately making out to notice you are coughing up blood into her.”

The Princess: “Hey, what’s the matter with you, I didn’t even cut into your- oh, whoopsiedoodle, I guess I did! Silly Princess, I should be more careful, killing you accidentally is way less fun and it does so interrupt things. But oh well, I guess it’s time to cut this one short! And by this one, I mean your life!”

The Narrator: “An explosion of agony as the Princess’s rib blades mince, cut, and shear into you, like a lawnmower slicing your torso to ribbons. For good measure, she takes her stiletto hand and stabs all five fingers deep into your face and eyes. Mercifully, everything goes dark, and you die.”

Hero: “Fuck. That was a lot.”

Opportunist: “Yeah, that was fun. But we get a chance to escape now.”

Skeptic: “Her blades can penetrate the metal of the walls. If we can bait her into stabbing the slope, we can use the damage caused to climb up.”

Smitten: “How can you want to leave our darling behind when she offers such delights? In here we can love and be loved forever, exist in her sweet murderous embrace yet never truly die.”

Hero: “I hate to say it, but… I don’t think she loves us. She doesn’t even see us as a person. I liked when she got all assertive and stuff, don’t get me wrong, but what we want still matters. Or it should matter… I wish it was different, I wish we could change her, but I don’t think we can. Let’s get out of here.”

Smitten: “Love can change anyone, we just need to give her another chance, not abandon her. We can fix her, we just need to be patient, and loving, and understanding, and devoted, and ever loyal and then she’ll come around.”

Skeptic: “And will she ever be any of those things with us? She’s made clear she has no intention to change, and we can’t make her. All we can do about it is decide if we’ll let ourselves be treated this way or leave. I suggest we leave.”

Broken: “We deserve to be treated like this. Last time she killed us was our own fault… She didn’t want to do that to us…”

Hunted: “Don’t excuse her, she made it very clear she was going to cut us up anyway.”

Cheated: “Yeah, and it was kinda bullshit it happened at that moment, ‘cause things were getting real good, but she was gonna kill us in the end no matter what. I say we leave: she’d hate it, and that’s as good as a win!”

Stubborn: “We’re no-one’s toy, but I’d rather force her to respect us than flee.”

The Narrator: “You’re on a-”

Contrarian: “Wow, I love how lush these woods are, thank you so much for your contribution.”

The Princess: “Hi again, sheathie! I got a little carried away last time, but I’ve got another surprise to make up for it, and I think you’ll love this one!”

· “Actually, I think I’m gonna fight you this time. En garde!”

The Princess: “That’s fine, actually, that’s perfect because I’d love to do this while also fighting you, that’d be really fun.”

Hunted: “She’s gonna strike, move!”

The Narrator: “You dive out of the way of the Princess as she crosses the basement in an instant, a blade erupting from her left arm, lunging for you and hitting the slope instead, burying her blade in its steel. She pulls it out and whirls around at you, leaving a damaged foothold in the stairs.”

Skeptic: “Now comes the hard part, we need to get her to do that higher up too. One foothold’s not enough to escape.”

The Narrator: “The Princess is upon you immediately, her blade flashing rapidly and forcing you to step back with every strike. As you focus on parrying her, she kicks out, putting her foot against your chest as she pushes you against the wall.”

The Princess: “It’s so funny that you think fighting me is ever going to do anything, but it keeps the blood running I suppose, gets you back in the right mood for my surprise!”

The Narrator: “With a smirk, the Princess cocks her hips and a corolla of short blades pointing diagonally downward erupts from them, instantly cutting her skirt off and making it drop to the ground and onto you. You barely register the blade at your throat as you witness her bare legs, her decency only just maintained by the circle of blades now forming a tiny metal skirt. In as far as ‘decent’ is a term that can ever be applied to the Princess.”

Cheated: “Woah, that’s a good trick.”

Smitten: “Oh my, how lucky we are, our beloved truly is a master of seduction as well as incision. We should encourage her, bring out our courtship dance!”

Hero: “We have a courtship dance?”

Smitten: “I feel it in our blood, we do!”

The Narrator: “You let your hand run up her leg tenderly, and the moment her knee goes a bit weak, you slip out from underneath her pin and roll to your feet. You begin tapping your feet, spreading your wings, raising your crest rhythmically, spinning, and waving your tail around. The Princess looks at you funny for a couple seconds, and then she starts copying you. I hope you realise the two of you look like idiots right now.”

Hero: “She’s not bad! Shame she lacks the tail to really pull it off.”

Cheated: “I like it, she doesn’t get to have a tail, we get to lord that over her. Hehe, that blade skirt doesn’t quite cover her up on this side though, does it?”

Contrarian: “We did call her cheeky once before.”

The Princess: “This is fun! This is silly and so much fun, you’re so full of good ideas! Just like me!”

The Narrator: “You share a laugh as you finish your ridiculous courtship dance with a couple of mutual spins. As she does so, a rib blade erupts from the Princess’s midriff and circles around and then down, cutting the waist of her dress off, leaving her clad in only the upper part of her bodice and her skirt of knives.”

· “Wow, you get a lot of different uses out of those blades, don’t you, Princess? I really approve of this one.”

The Narrator: “The Princess smirks as she paces towards you.”

The Princess: “Blades are incredibly useful! And you’re gonna see and feel all their many uses for yourself.”

· “You’re about to stab me or skewer me or cut me with more blades from your arms or your legs or your chest!”

The Narrator: “The Princess giggles.”

The Princess: “Aww, no, don’t worry, the one blade is all I need for that! But you’re not the only thing I’m cutting up today, so let’s see if you can survive longer than my dress.”

Smitten: “Our lacerating lover is putting on such a show for us, do we really have to try to escape this time around? Can’t we just please wait for the next life? Pretty please?”

Skeptic: “She's distracted, has only one blade she agreed to use, and thinks we're distracted too. We won't get a better chance.”

Contrarian: “It’d be really funny if we just up and left in the middle of her striptease.”

· “Wow, that’s so hot, I’m seriously starting to think you can do anything with your blades.”

The Princess: “That’s because I can! Blades can do whatever you put your mind to. It’s the power of pointitivity!”

· “Anything, huh? Think you could… I don’t know, stab the ceiling?”

The Princess: “That’s pretty high up.”

· “Oh, well, if you can’t then don’t worry about it. It was just an idea. Maybe I’ll figure out how to climb up there myself some day and hang out outside your reach.”

The Princess: “No, I can do it, I definitely can. Nowhere is safe from me, my little pin cushion, I’ll always be there for you.”

· “You could probably reach it if you stood on my shoulders.”

The Princess: “Yes, that’s right, I cou-”

The Narrator: “The Princess narrows her eyes with a smirk, puts one hand on her bladed hip, and wags her blade admonishingly.”

The Princess: “You cheeky bird, are you trying to look up my skirt?”

· “I-I wouldn’t, I just wanna help.”

The Princess: “What kind of Princess do you think I am?”

· “One parading around half-naked after cutting up her own dress.”

The Narrator: “The Princess winks and rolls her shoulder seductively as a blade emerges and slices off her dress’s sleeve, what remains of the garment tilting precariously.”

The Princess: “You know it.”

The Narrator: “Suddenly, she attacks again, your blades clashing. You barely manage to parry as you fence around the basement, a grin on the Princess’s face.”

· “So you can’t hit the ceiling, then?”

The Princess: “The ceiling thing again? Obviously I can, watch this!”

Cheated: “She’s going for the foothold on the slope, now’s our chance to trick her!”

The Narrator: “As the Princess steps up onto the foothold she carved into the ramp, her arm blade reaching out to take a swing at the ceiling, you leap and tackle her, knocking her against the slope, her blade embedding itself further up. You waste no further time and scramble up the Princess’s body as fast as you can, trying to build momentum while you have the chance. With an angry snarl she withdraws her blade, just in time for you to use the damage it left as a foothold. You don’t stop, you use your momentum to run up the second half of the slide, kicking off the curved sidewall to help you up. You hear the Princess’s blade swoosh through the air behind you, a sharp pain erupting in your tail as she cuts off the tip, but you keep running. Your feet slip and you dive for the top of the slope, your upper body gaining purchase on the jagged floor of the cabin.”

Cheated: “We did it! We actually got there and left her to languish!”

The Narrator: “The Princess’s voice, no longer playful and grating but furious and cruel, slices up from below.”

The Princess: “NO! You don’t get to escape me, that’s not how this works! I will ALWAYS have you with me to hurt, get back here where you belong NOW!”

The Narrator: “You slowly drag yourself up the last bit of the slide as you hear her blade repeatedly impact the slope, slicker than ever with your tail’s blood flowing down.”

Hunted: “She is not far behind us, be somewhere else.”

Opportunist: “Or, we cut her down right here on the landing, she’ll be at a disadvantage.”

Skeptic: “This is the only chance we’ll ever have to escape. Our safety is far more important than putting an end to her.”

Smitten: “Our beloved will find us, no matter where we go, our heart simply calls out for her across the gulf of time and space!”

Cheated: “Calls out for her to stab us in it maybe.”

The Narrator: “The sparsely clothed Princess comes into view, climbing the slope by jamming a blade in each hand into it. You have never seen her truly angry before, but now her rage is absolutely volcanic. All her whimsy, her cruel teasing, any hint of a smile or affection is gone.”

Opportunist: “Actually, we should go, like I said. We should run really far away.”

· [Run for your life]

The Princess: “I’m going to catch you, and when I do, my fun will continue, but you will only ever know suffering again for leaving me to boredom and imprisonment! I’m going to start each of your miserable lives by cutting off your legs and your tongue so you can’t run and can’t even think of tricking me again! I could've been your wildest dream, but I'll be your worst nightmare instead!”

The Narrator: “You sprint for the door, but even as you reach it you hear the Princess’s footsteps right behind you and feel the woosh of a blade slicing through the air, chopping into the door frame and launching a rain of splinters. You bolt outside and the Princess, a fury of blades, is right behind you.”

Cheated: “Fuck, fuck, fuck, she’s way too fast! This was a bad idea!”

Stubborn: “Stand and fight, our final battle will be the most glorious one yet!”

The Narrator: “With no choice left but to fight, you do your best to parry her onslaught. But she is no longer playing. Her strikes are swift and deadly, aimed only to kill. She is too furious, too skilled, too fast. Deep cuts blossom all over your body, your blood rapidly pooling on the ground. Another strike, and your left hand is severed."

· “Look, it’s the outside! Isn’t it just so big and beautiful and gorgeous? You don’t have to be bored here, you’re finally free!”

The Princess: “I don’t give a shit! I’m gonna skewer you and throw you right back into the basement where you belong, and where I always win, and then I’m jumping after you and cutting you into a million screaming little pieces! And that’s just the start of the next billion lifetimes of suffering, because you just had to ruin the perfect thing we had!”

The Narrator: “The sheer ferocity of the Princess’s strikes makes them impossible to properly defend yourself from. She severs your leg at the knee and you desperately defend what’s left of you, falling into a puddle of your own blood, as she…”

Hero: “She what?”

The Princess: “We could’ve been so happy together! I loved you, I could’ve been happy, but you just had to destroy it all, leave me empty and alone, and now I only feel… Cold. I feel so cold…”

But she does not get the chance to land the killing blow, and she never will. Something has taken her away and left something else in her place.

Hero: “Where’d she go? Should we try to find her? And is that a… mirror?”

Smitten: “No! Our beloved! You barbarians, look how angry you made her! We have to find her again, we have to apologise for so heinously abandoning her!”

Paranoid: “One danger gets replaced with another…”

Cheated: “We… we won. She’s gone and we won!”

Hunted: “We escaped her, but we’re not safe yet. Stay sharp.”

Stubborn: “This was just getting real good, smash that mirror and find her again!”

Opportunist: “Go team! Now if I may make a suggestion, let’s avoid that mirror.”

Cheated: “We actually won! We won! We did it! We won and she lost!”

Skeptic: “But did we win? What was that entity that took her?”

Broken: “She’ll be so angry when she sees us again… She’ll do even worse to us, I just know it.”

Cheated: “Don’t care, we’re the winners!”

Contrarian: “Didn’t we lose a whole bunch too though? What’s the score, you reckon?”

Cold: “It’s 16 -1.”

Cheated: “We won, we won, we won, we won! Take that, you stupid, cheating Princess, who’s number one now? It’s us! Woo!”

Chapter End Notes

> The illustration of Razor's rib blades can be found at https://www.tumblr.com/vickysaurus-art/756448299810177024/whenever-i-see-art-featuring-razor-rocking-a-ton?source=share

> Remember to leave a comment and let me know what you think! Comments are a writer's lifeblood.

## Afterword

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