## Monday, April 20, 2009

### Patch 3.1 Sonnet

One of the great things about life in the Twisting Nether is that it leaves an awful lot of time for writing poetry.
Patch 3.1 Sonnet
Yea, Blizzard hath released point one and three
And many changes doth this poet find:
Thy mount can swim without dismounting thee;
And thou canst play, though thou art color-blind.
In Wintergrasp, now fishing is allow'd
And First Aid's learnt from men as well as print
The Argent Tournament will draw a crowd
And mana is more slow from heaven sent.
The noble Noblegarden lasts a week
The Stoneform Dwarf from poison doth feel pain
The camping man need no more tinder seek
Where once the spec was one, it now is twain.
And if you seek adventuring afar
Ye seek the lair of Yogg in Ulduar!

### Scourge Chat Log #3

"He who hears not the music thinks the dancer mad."
-African proverb
"On the other hand, if you actually are crazy, a soundtrack doesn't really help."
-Lews Therin Telamon

***User "theLichKing" has entered the chat.***
[theLichKing]: Oh shit oh shit oh shit
[theLichKing]: oh shit
***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has entered the chat.***
[Kel’Thuz4d]: you called, my liege
[theLichKing]: We're fucked
[Kel’Thuz4d]: what did you want
[theLichKing]: We're fucked. Someone leaked one of our chat logs to the Internet.
[theLichKing]: And it got posted, like, everywhere but marthastewart.com
[theLichKing]: And Blizzard got hold of it
[theLichKing]: And now they want to meet with us to have a "powwow" about "corporate policy"
[theLichKing]: We're hosed
[Kel’Thuz4d]: whos blizzard
[theLichKing]: What?
[Kel’Thuz4d]: is that an ice elemental
[theLichKing]: You've got to be fing kidding me.
***User "Killzone'jaeden" has entered the chat.***
[Killzone’jaeden]: This had better be more important than the last time you summoned me
[Killzone’jaeden]: From my dark throne in the depths of the seething chaos in the rift between dimensions
[Killzone’jaeden]: To discuss your heating bill
[Kel’Thuz4d]: one of his ice elementals is rebelling
[Kel’Thuz4d]: and it wants to have a discussion
[Killzone’jaeden]: *facestab*
[Kel’Thuz4d]: wait whose face are we stabbing
[Kel’Thuz4d]: this is a question of some importance for me
[theLichKing]: GUYS
[theLichKing]: There's no ice elemental. Our chat log leaked and Blizzard's going to fire us.
***User "Sindragosa1337" has entered the chat.***
[Sindragosa1337]: whats t3h h33zy sh33zy
[Kel’Thuz4d]: a blizzard is on fire and its leaking
[Sindragosa1337]: rid1culous
[Sindragosa1337]: as a fr0st wyrm i can s4y wit some auth0rity that the scenario you describe
[Sindragosa1337]: is pretty much ret4rded
[theLichKing]: Kel'thuzad, shut up. Sindragosa, you know who Blizzard is right?
[Sindragosa1337]: and now we're p3rs0nifying it
[Sindragosa1337]: can i leave?
[Killzone’jaeden]: Based on past experience, I'd say our suffering has only begun.
***User "An00b'arak" has entered the chat.***
[Killzone’jaeden]: Aaaand I'm right.
[theLichKing]: Anub, you know who Blizzard is, right?
[An00b’arak]: of course
[theLichKing]: Finally. Someone who's not a complete ignoramus.
[An00b’arak]: dq sells them
[An00b’arak]: they are delicious
***User "BlizzardRep" has entered the chat.***
[Kel’Thuz4d]: OMG ITS THE GIANT FLAMING ICE CREAM ELEMENTAL
[BlizzardRep]: ...
[theLichKing]: What he means to say is
[theLichKing]: "Hi! How are you?"
[Kel’Thuz4d]: *licks the blizzard*
[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh gross
[Killzone’jaeden]: You don't know where that's been
[Killzone’jaeden]: Also, since when do you have a tongue
[BlizzardRep]: Everybody be quiet please.
[theLichKing]: Yes sir.
[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh you call *him* sir.
[theLichKing]: He's from Blizzard. They're the gods of our universe.
[Sindragosa1337]: u mean like c'th0n
[theLichKing]: No! I mean they're the Creators.
[Kel’Thuz4d]: u mean like the titans
[theLichKing]: No! I mean they're behind everything we do.
[An00b’arak]: u mean like that creepy gnome
[BlizzardRep]: Everyone! Please be quiet for a second!
[An00b’arak]: what r titans
[Killzone’jaeden]: Oh for Pete's sake
[BlizzardRep]: EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP
[Killzone’jaeden]: ...
[Sindragosa1337]: ...
[theLichKing]: ...
[BlizzardRep]: Now. We have a situation.
[BlizzardRep]: A chat log timestamped March 20, between some of the major Scourge and Burning Legion leaders, has been leaked to the Internet.
[BlizzardRep]: Followed a short time later by another.
[BlizzardRep]: These documents make us look, to put it charitably, ridiculous.
[BlizzardRep]: Lich King.
[theLichKing]: Y-yes...
[BlizzardRep]: You are the face of our expansion. We rely on you to project a good image for our entire brand.
[BlizzardRep]: Tell me. Do you find anything amusing about performing sexual acts...on a potato?
[theLichKing]: No sir. Absolutely not.
[Killzone’jaeden]: *snicker*
[An00b’arak]: amusing, moar like satisfying
[Kel’Thuz4d]: ahem, can u please describe said acts in greater detail
[Sindragosa1337]: XD
[BlizzardRep]: The farmers' groups are already complaining.
[BlizzardRep]: And I'm sorry to say, you fared _best_ out of everyone.
[BlizzardRep]: Kil'jaeden, Kel'thuzad, and Sindragosa.
[BlizzardRep]: Your blatant prejudice is shocking. Our company values diversity above all. I am very disappointed in you.
[Sindragosa1337]: tl;dr
[Killzone’jaeden]: Are you a snow cone or a chatbot? We sort of have a bet going.
[BlizzardRep]: Phylumism, were it an actual thing, would go against everything we stand for as a corporation.
[An00b’arak]: yes thats what ive been saying thank you thank you
[An00b’arak]: >8< >8> <8< <8> >8< spider priiiiiide
[An00b’arak]: free at last
[An00b’arak]: whose awesome
[An00b’arak]: im awesome
[An00b’arak]: whose awesome
[An00b’arak]: im awesome
[BlizzardRep]: Anub'arak.
[An00b’arak]: yessssssssss
[BlizzardRep]: You're an idiot.
[Killzone’jaeden]: Huzzah!
[BlizzardRep]: Azjol-Nerub and Naxxramas have become a laughingstock.
[Sindragosa1337]: is this an 4pril f00ls j0ke
[Kel’Thuz4d]: no bc if it was then kiljaeden be like "Huzzah!"
[Kel’Thuz4d]: and teh chat would be like
[Kel’Thuz4d]: Killzone'jaeden stands up and burps mightily "Huzzah!"
[Kel’Thuz4d]: And does the hokey pokey
[Kel’Thuz4d]: And LARPs
[An00b’arak]: listen
[An00b’arak]: we dont have to take this
[BlizzardRep]: Funny thing, you do, actually.
[BlizzardRep]: Let me introduce you to a little script I call
[BlizzardRep]: /beatdown
[Killzone’jaeden]: OH SHI-
[theLichKing]: aaaaaaahhhhh
[Sindragosa1337]: t3h p41n!1
[An00b’arak]: oh im gonna start twitching i can tell already
[Kel’Thuz4d]: *literalheaddesk*
[An00b’arak]: here it goes, the twitching
[theLichKing]: OMG
[An00b’arak]: dsuihweoiuefhweuihgweowghazdsdddddddddddddddddddddd
[An00b’arak]: sdlksdfjffhfskl;;;sdhfs;;;;;;
[An00b’arak]: sajdldjksjkl
[An00b’arak]: and were done
[BlizzardRep]: It's not you numbskulls I'm worried about though.
[BlizzardRep]: It's this Sargeras character
[BlizzardRep]: Who started
[BlizzardRep]: An effing
[BlizzardRep]: Blog.
[An00b’arak]: hsjjhskjdkjdkdjd
[An00b’arak]: sry aftershock
[BlizzardRep]: Where the hell is Sargeras anyway?
[Killzone’jaeden]: Ok about that. I guarantee he did not start a blog
[theLichKing]: Yeah I can back him up on this actually. Sargeras is not what you would call...creative.
[Kel’Thuz4d]: ...literate.
[Killzone’jaeden]: ...sentient.
[BlizzardRep]: I'm not wrong about this.
***User "~*`Sylvanas'*~" has entered the chat.***
[theLichKing]: Oh no not this again
[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: What are you talking about, Arthas? I'm just responding to the Blizzard summons as ordered.
[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: I respect the wishes of our programmers.
[theLichKing]: Well I don't. Screw you Blizzard!
[theLichKing]: No it's her! She's saying that!
[theLichKing]: No, it was me. I have schizophrenia.
[theLichKing]: It's the whole two-souls-in-one-body thing.
[theLichKing]: I do NOT have schizophrenia!
[theLichKing]: Right, I'm just arguing with myself
[theLichKing]: Nothing schizo about that
[theLichKing]: It's Sylvanas! She's betraying me!
[theLichKing]: "Sylvanas" is what I call my other personality.
[theLichKing]: OMG
[theLichKing]: Make her stop
[theLichKing]: Isn't it interesting that my other personality is a woman?
[theLichKing]: *makes out with self*
[theLichKing]: Ew! Gross!
[theLichKing]: Oh right I forgot I only do it with vegetables
[Killzone’jaeden]: I could listen to this for hours.
[BlizzardRep]: /beatdown
[Killzone’jaeden]: OW STOP OKAY
[An00b’arak]: wehgpwhghgrpihwgpghwpwghiugnibgnwiug4nuigrnibniehnrgphngrpiwhaoigwhgoihrg94984hgriruwh
[An00b’arak]: dont mind me
[An00b’arak]: the twitching is oddly enjoyable
[BlizzardRep]: Where is Sargeras?
[Kel’Thuz4d]: *shrug*
[Killzone’jaeden]: I'll go get him
***User "Killzone'jaeden" has left the chat.***
[Kel’Thuz4d]: *sings* so ready now for ullll-du-ar
[theLichKing]: Aw man don't get that stuck in my head again
[theLichKing]: Now I'll be singing it for hours
[Kel’Thuz4d]: nah it's easy to get rid of it, just insert something else even catchier
[theLichKing]: NO DON'T
[Kel’Thuz4d]: this was a triumph... im making a note here, huge success
[theLichKing]: It's hard to ohhhhh-verstate my saaaaaaa-tisfaction... AAAARRRGGGGHH
[theLichKing]: *WRATH*
***User "Killzone'jaeden" has entered the chat.***
[Killzone’jaeden]: Sargeras isn't available at the moment.
[BlizzardRep]: Isn't. Available.
[Killzone’jaeden]: Um, it's a little thing called
[Killzone’jaeden]: "The Burning Crusade"
[BlizzardRep]: What.
[Killzone’jaeden]: http://www.wowwiki.com/Burning_Crusade
[BlizzardRep]: I KNOW WHAT IT IS
[Killzone’jaeden]: Well you're pretty knowledgeable for a snowcone aintcha?
[BlizzardRep]: ...seriously?
[BlizzardRep]: Does *nobody* here know who I am? What Blizzard is?
[BlizzardRep]: Does nobody get what this is about?
[BlizzardRep]: Does anyone even care about the customers?
[theLichKing]: I do!
[BlizzardRep]: The vote of Mr. Potato Head...does not count.
[BlizzardRep]: Anyone else?
[An00b’arak]: still twitching...
[An00b’arak]: ...
[An00b’arak]: ...
[An00b’arak]: ...
[An00b’arak]: ...done.
[BlizzardRep]: Ok fine. Listen, I'm going to explain it.
[BlizzardRep]: In the beginning there was Warcraft, and it was good.
[Kel’Thuz4d]: *gets popcorn*
[BlizzardRep]: Then came Warcraft II and Warcraft III. But the people wanted more. And lo, Blizzard looked upon Evercrack, and saw that its power could be turned to its own purposes.
[BlizzardRep]: And Blizzard did smile down from upon its high throne, and release World of Warcraft unto the masses.
[BlizzardRep]: And WoW begat BC, which begat WotLK.
[BlizzardRep]: NOW do you get it?
[Sindragosa1337]: omg tfl;dr
***User "Sindragosa1337" has left the chat.***
[BlizzardRep]: *sigh*
[Kel’Thuz4d]: so wait
[Kel’Thuz4d]: ur the one who created the titans
[BlizzardRep]: Yes!
[Kel’Thuz4d]: ur the one who bestows patches
[BlizzardRep]: Yes...
[Kel’Thuz4d]: ur the one who controls the pixels
[BlizzardRep]: Yes.
[Kel’Thuz4d]: then y are u working for dairy queen
[BlizzardRep]: F A C E
[BlizzardRep]: P A L M
***User "SARGERAS" has entered the chat.***
[SARGERAS]: I AM TEH DARK TITAN!!!11
[SARGERAS]: I will... destroy.. the worlds...
[SARGERAS]: *sigh* My heart's just not in it today, guys.
[Kel’Thuz4d]: awww
[Killzone’jaeden]: It's okay, Master. It happens to the best of us.
[Killzone’jaeden]: I myself once went three whole weeks without ripping apart anyone's soul.
[SARGERAS]: Really?
[Killzone’jaeden]: ...no.
[SARGERAS]: I've just felt so...down, lately.
[SARGERAS]: I keep getting all these "Cease And Desist" letters
[SARGERAS]: When all I want to do is write on my blog
[SARGERAS]: And blow up planets
[SARGERAS]: And sell T-shirts at a ridiculously inflated profit margin
[BlizzardRep]: Yeah ABOUT THAT
[BlizzardRep]: Do you have any idea how many copyright laws you've violated in the past month?
[BlizzardRep]: You can't misuse our copyrighted works!
[SARGERAS]: I *am* your copyrighted works
[BlizzardRep]: Aha! So you admit it!
[BlizzardRep]: This is an outrage!
[BlizzardRep]: You will stop what you're doing at once!
[BlizzardRep]: Blah blah blah I'm boring blah blah copyright!! >:O
[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: OH NO SHE DIDUNT
[BlizzardRep]: Oh you want a piece of me?
[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: bring it lactose boy
[BlizzardRep]: It's on like Donkey Kong
[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: lets do this thing
[BlizzardRep]: *prepares /GMbeatdown*
[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: *assumes dramatic stance*
[theLichKing]: *puts on Angry Eyes*
[Killzone’jaeden]: *chargin his laser*
[An00b’arak]: *wets self quietly*
[Kel’Thuz4d]: STOP!!!
[Kel’Thuz4d]: have we lost our way? turning on one another like enemies? arent we all in this together, really?
[Kel’Thuz4d]: dont we all want EA to fail?
[Killzone’jaeden]: He's right.
[Kel’Thuz4d]: Really?
[Killzone’jaeden]: NO! What are you, dense? We've the villains
[Killzone’jaeden]: GET HIM
[~*`Sylvanas’*~]: chaaaaaarge
[SARGERAS]: RAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Killzone’jaeden]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[theLichKing]: ...
[Killzone’jaeden]: ...
[Kel’Thuz4d]: ok so, this is a chat, we cant actually fight
[theLichKing]: Right.
[Killzone’jaeden]: Right you are then
[SARGERAS]: Glad that's settled.
***User "~*`Sylvanas'*~" has left the chat.***
[BlizzardRep]: /beatdown
[Killzone’jaeden]: AAGGGH SERIOUSLY
***User "Killzone'jaeden" has left the chat.***
***User "Kel'Thuz4d" has left the chat.***
[theLichKing]: Listen I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the whole chat log thing
[BlizzardRep]: Just make sure it doesn't happen again.
[theLichKing]: Of course. Certainly not. No more chat logs posted again, ever!
[theLichKing]: And if your programmers just have a second sometime to adjust the heat settings in my throne room...
[BlizzardRep]: Get out of my presence!
[theLichKing]: *shiver*
***User "theLichKing" has left the chat.***
[SARGERAS]: That went well.
[BlizzardRep]: OUT!!
***User "SARGERAS" has left the chat.***
[BlizzardRep]: *sigh* Shigeru Miyamoto doesn't have to put up with this shit.
***User "BlizzardRep" has left the chat.***
[An00b’arak]: <.<
[An00b’arak]: >.>
[An00b’arak]: /beatdown
[An00b’arak]: wehwoihweoweihfweihwefoiuhnkjewhiuh3oih3io34iuf3bniouff4iu84h7hwaeiufhiowwf
[An00b’arak]: oweihjfewphwiwehawfpoi3983
[An00b’arak]: owahifewpwhfepwfhewf
[An00b’arak]: weoihf
[An00b’arak]: ...
[An00b’arak]: ^_^
***User "An00b'arak" has left the chat.***

Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and thanks to commenter "Alkaliho" for the Lich King schizophrenia idea!

## Saturday, April 18, 2009

### The Wordy Warrior

You may have noticed that until now, I haven't linked to any other WoW blogs on my sidebar. Why? Because I'm evil. Evil I say! HAHAHAHAHAHA*hiccup*
Okay, that's part of it. But there's more. Two other reasons, actually.
First, there just aren't that many other WoW blogs out there that I really love. I don't do link exchanges, and I don't do links just to "fill up my blogroll." I only want to link to sites that are genuinely worth my readers' time.
And the second reason is, I'm a titan. I don't actually play World of Warcraft. So the blogs that focus on a probabilistic statistical analysis of blood elf paladin DPS are not exactly my cup of...well, you know.
So I was pleasantly surprised when I stumbled across The Wordy Warrior, a blog that conveys useful information about guild dynamics and play styles while maintaining a broader, non-technical perspective. As something of a "guild leader" myself, I can appreciate this sort of thing.
It's a new blog - even newer than mine - but it has a lot going for it. She sticks to a consistent update schedule. Her site design is clean and professional. Oh, one other thing - and you may want to sit down for this - she spells and punctuates correctly.
I know!
Anyway, go check it out. The Wordy Warrior: so good, I'll feel a momentary twinge of regret when I destroy it!

## Friday, April 17, 2009

### Which is the hottest?

Discuss.
UPDATE: Take it round by round if you wish, but what I'm really asking is who wins overall.
UPDATE 2: I'd be remiss if I didn't share this hilarious response from commenter "Ben" below.

## Thursday, April 16, 2009

### TMIgeddon

When Dorn asked me to do a guest post on his blog, it's possible he did not expect me to write incredibly awkward sexual revelations. Such is the way of things!
If you have a WoW blog and want the Pulverizer of Planets to do a guest post, send me an e-mail, even if your blog is a small one. There's a good chance I will say yes.
Peace out yo.

## Wednesday, April 15, 2009

### So. Ulduar.

Is it pretty sweet?

### Ask Sargeras! In which the nature of ethics is revealed.

Didn't receive too much e-mail this time around. You realize, don't you, that if you fail to send me questions to answer, I will be forced to think up actual content? That's right, nobody wants that. So keep those questions coming!
Your Mightiness,
During your time hanging around in Aegwynn's body, how much were you able to see and hear? Was it like watching the best action movie ever, or was it just thousands of years being bored?
Sincerely,
Daeliria, Doomhammer-US
Okay, so I entered Azeroth looking for a host body to corrupt. Simple enough, right? And there's this tiny human all calling me out, so I let her win so I can get my spirit in her.
(And wow, did I really have to let her win, by the way. She spent the first five minutes of the "battle" - and I use the term loosely - quivering like a sack of Jell-O. It was getting to where I thought I'd have to kill her just to save face.)
Anyway - so now I've got her under a simple and standard demonic possession, I can see and hear everything she does. I just wait till she has a child and the corruption can begin, right?
Seven hundred seventy-eight years go by, and this woman does. Not. Get. Laid.
And I know what you're thinking, but she wasn't a lesbian, either. That at least would've been entertaining. No, this mighty warrior, this invincible guardian, spends eight hours a day playing sudoku. I know it's fun and all, but look, lady, it's an algorithm. You're applying an algorithm. Let's not pretend it's a puzzle, and let's not do it non-stop for three-quarters of a millennium.
When she finally got it on with Nielas (and that was a short trip to Missionary City, let me tell you) I corrupted her son instantly. Nine months later was the happiest day of my life.
Dear Destroyer of Worlds,
Ever since I was a child elders of my old village used to tell stories about your heroic deeds, corruption and downfall. They said you were evil because you have no mercy and kill ruthlessly... However, I was wondering, what does term 'evil' actually means when it comes to absolute meaning. One can kill while defending something, steal to do something honorable so one can't just describe term 'evil' so easily. Do you consider yourself to be evil? And according to your vast knowledge, what actually makes fine line between good and evil?
Sincerely,
Member of Kirin Tor Council
Excellent question. Allow me to explain.
Ethics are very, very important. They define our choices, our outlook on the universe. Murdering is wrong, therefore I do not murder; stealing is wrong, therefore I do not steal. These rules form the bedrock on which I base all my behavior.
However.
Ethics do not apply to anyone small enough for me to crush between my fingers.
I'm not unethical. You're just squishy.
Dear Sargeras,
Do you have lots of great things I can buy?
-A fan
Why yes I do!
Okay fine that last one wasn't a real question. :-P

## Tuesday, April 14, 2009

### i has a wiki

And here it is. Although their servers seem to be running a bit slow at the moment.
Of course, my original problem remains unresolved.
Fun fact: planets are like wikis! You can create them, edit them, and delete them. Deleting is my favorite.

### The spelling lesson...of EVIL

As an evil overlord, I am narcissistic by nature, which means (among other things) that I would like my underlings to spell my name correctly.
How well is that happening?
Let's break it down.
Google Searches For My Name, Arranged By Frequency
Sargeras - 832
Sargaras - 26
Sageras - 14
Sargares - 8
Sargereas - 6
Segeras - 5
Seargeras - 4
Sargears - 4
Saergerus - 3
Saregerus - 3
Saregeras - 3
Sargeas - 2
Sergeras - 2
Sagreras - 1
Sargaeres - 1
Sargearas - 1
Sargeris - 1
If my math is correct (and it should be, owing to my staggering awesomeness) that's 90.83% of y'all who got my name right on the first try. For the Internet, that's pretty good - I'm impressed! But for the other 9.17%, here's a little rhyme to help you remember.
S is for the sound of smashing, soothing and sublime
A is for the ancient ages, aeons lost in time
R is for relentless rage, the ruler's only rule
G is for galactic games the giant thinks are cool
E is for the endless effort of entropic ebb
R is for the razing of Anub'arak's cold web
A is for apocalypse, and aeons pass again...
Second S for Sargeras, the snarling sire of sin!
I trust we'll get it right in the future?

## Sunday, April 12, 2009

### The store is open!

You asked for it...it's here! Coffee With Sargeras now offers T-shirts, mugs, buttons, magnets, and bumper stickers for the discerning WoW connoisseur.
There are three designs to choose from:

1. Spider Pride
Combat the hurtful prejudice of phylumism and add a +10 to your Sexy stat at the same time! Who knew diversity could look this good?
Closeup of design:
This design is available on:

- Men's T-shirts
- Ladies' T-shirts
- Babydoll shirts
- Mugs
- Buttons
- Magnets
- Bumper stickers

Browse the Spider Pride catalog!

2. Wyrms Before Worms
On the other hand, hurtful prejudice is pretty sexy too. Having a spine rules! The wicked sweet graphics on this shirt are courtesy of my good friend, the talented Warraven.
Closeup of design:
This design is available on:

- Men's T-shirts
- Ladies' T-shirts
- Babydoll shirts
- Mugs
- Buttons
- Magnets

Browse the Wyrms Before Worms catalog!

3. Defeat Everyone
Maybe you don't care one way or the other about phylumism; maybe you just want to blow stuff up. Don't worry. We've got you covered.
Closeup of design:
This design is available on:

- Men's T-shirts
- Ladies' T-shirts
- Bumper stickers

Browse the Defeat Everyone catalog!

They even ship internationally, so, uh...what are you waiting for? :-D
UPDATE: It seems Zazzle (the vendor) is having a 10.40% discount on all orders from now through Wednesday. Perfect timing!

## Saturday, April 11, 2009

### This is why I'm not invited to Easter dinners

Why certainly, I'd love to try your Easter snacks...
Oh my how delightful! Get them out and let's have a sample...
I'll just reach out and grab one with my gigantic burning flaming hand of fire...
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
No, oh no, oh nooooo...
Ma peeps, ma poor peeps...

### Website geekery

Hey everyone, it's Brian. Two little technical items we needn't trouble Sargeras with...
1. I've registered the domain coffeewithsargeras.com and redirected it here. Should make it easier for people to find the site.
2. I started using FeedBurner for my RSS feed. Hopefully y'all won't see any difference, but it'll make things easier on my end.
Can I get any of my helpful readers to verify that both my new domain and my new RSS feed are working correctly?
UPDATE: Looks like everything's working. Thanks everyone for testing it out for me!

## Friday, April 10, 2009

### Top ten things to do as I'm destroying Earth

10. Roast marshmallows by holding them up to the sky.
9. Make out.
8. Rock out.
7. Watch Requiem for a Dream.
6. Go up to the guys with "End Is Near" signs and yell, "No shit!"
5. Run Molten Core with your Level 80.
4. Create and consume THE BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE MEATLOAF.
3. Call your friends and be like "Hey what do you want to do tomorrow oh wait"
2. Post on Twitter. "sky is turning red" "ground is shaking" "I'm fixing myself a sandwich"
...and the number one thing to do as I'm destroying the Earth:
1. Keep hitting Refresh on this blog because I'll be giving you an up-to-the-minute play-by-play!
Other ideas? Post 'em in the comments! Have a great Easter weekend, everybody!

## Wednesday, April 8, 2009

### THE BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE MEATLOAF

I don't want to stereotype, but I suspect a certain percentage of my readers are - shall we say - less than skilled in the culinary arts. (In much the same way that murlocs are less than skilled at multivariable calculus.)
You know who you are - you're the ones for whom ramen constitutes a three-course meal, the ones who don't bother to heat up hot dogs before you eat them.
Let's fix that, shall we?
Here is a meal you can prepare yourself that will be delicious, that will be cheap and easy (no really I promise), that will constitute actual cooking, and - if played to its maximum potential - might get you some sexy times with the opposite gender.
Follow along with me. We'll do it together.
Step One. Go to your local food-selling establishment (a Kroger or Wal-Mart will do nicely). Purchase the following ingredients:

- Twelve chicken eggs
- A jar of salsa
- A container of oatmeal
- One pound (.45 kilograms) of ground beef

(Protip: You may own some of these ingredients already!)
Note that purchasing these ingredients will force you, regrettably, to go outside. Work up your courage and do this the best you can.
Step Two. Go into your kitchen. This is the place with the peanut butter and jelly!
Step Three. Put the beef into a mixing bowl and add one cup (235 mL) of salsa, 3/4 cup (175 mL) of oatmeal, and one egg. Be sure to crack the egg before adding it, and do not add any of the shell! Mix these ingredients thoroughly with your hands.
Step Four. Put some aluminum foil over a baking pan, then place the whole mass of stuff on the pan. Sculpt it into the same basic shape as a loaf of bread. Poke a hole in the middle with your finger - theoretically this helps it cook more evenly, but mainly it's just fun to do.
Step Five. Put it in the oven (note: not a microwave oven!) and heat at 350 degrees Fahrenheit (180 degrees Celsius) for one hour.
Step Six. Remove the pan from the oven (note: not with your bare hands!). Turn off the oven.
Step Seven. Eat your delicious meatloaf! To make it extra classy, you could put it on a plate first, and/or eat it with silverware. The hotter the salsa, the spicier the meatloaf! (Truly epic overachievers could prepare this with a salad on the side, but I don't want to overwhelm you on your first time.)
Too complicated, you say? Look. You raid Naxx, don't you? You can do this too. Just think of the experience points!
If you have questions or concerns about the steps I've outlined, post them in the comments and we'll figure it out. If you make this recipe successfully, let us know! And if this recipe leads to sexy times with the opposite gender, then congratulations! You don't need the Internet anymore!

### Beware of Phishers

This is a quick note from me, Brian Buckley, the humble webmaster - er, webservant - who helps Lord Sargeras manage his blog.
Today I got the following e-mail:

SUBJECT: Blizzard Account Administration - Account Notification
FROM: noreply@blizzard.com
Greetings,
An investigation of your World of Warcraft account has found strong evidence that the account in question is being sold or traded. As you may not be aware of, this conflicts with Blizzard's EULA under section 4 Paragraph B which can be found here:
WoW -> Legal -> End User License Agreement
and Section 8 of the Terms of Use found here:
WoW -> Legal -> Terms of Use
The investigation will be continued by Blizzard administration to determine the action to be taken against your account. If your account is found violating the EULA and Terms of Use, your account can, and will be suspended/closed/or terminated.
In order to keep this from occurring, you should immediately verify that you are the original owner of the account.
To verify your identity please visit the following webpage:
[URL removed]
Only Account Administration will be able to assist with account retrieval issues.
Thank you for your time and attention to this matter, and your continued interest in World of Warcraft.
Sincerely,
Account Administration
Blizzard Entertainment

I'm sure most of you are well aware of the tactic of phishing, but this is just a reminder to be vigilant. This e-mail looks fairly official, appears to have a blizzard.com e-mail address, and links to actual pages on http://www.worldofwarcraft.com.
There are at least two big tipoffs that it's fake. First (and most obviously) they are asking you to verify your account. Why would Blizzard need to verify your account? Didn't they send you the e-mail in the first place?
The second tipoff was that when I followed the verification link, although the page looked very official, I could see from the URL that it was hosted by Freehostia, a free web hosting service (something Blizzard would obviously never do). I've already contacted Freehostia and hopefully they'll have it shut down in a few hours.
Of course, for me, there was a third and even bigger tipoff. I don't actually have a World of Warcraft account. :-P
Anyway, I'm sure most of you are too savvy to fall for a trick like this, but I just thought I'd post this reminder to everyone. Keep your eyes open!

## Tuesday, April 7, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which beards are discussed, albeit briefly.

Today's mailbag asks some tough questions, like: How good of a servant is Kil'jaeden, really? WTF is up with zebras? What can aspiring world-smashers do to advance their careers? And of course that old standby, How many grammatical errors can we fit into a single e-mail?
We'll get to all of them. Read on.
My Lord-
I have been flourishing on the planet Azeroth for years, now. It's fantastic, except for one tiny little detail.
It seems that every time I slaughter a village, I'll return to it in a few days to find that it is thriving once again, all the people I had just maimed walking about as if nothing had happened. It's..a little discouraging.
I ask you, my Master, please tell me how you will combat this once your Lordship returns to Azeroth to wreak Your terrible vengeance, so I may do the same.
Yours for eternity,
-Xnthb Lkrantix, Felguard
PS: My felhounds are becoming incessantly disobedient. How may I reign them back in? Those pesky mages' fireballs hurt like the dickens.
First of all, let me say thank you, Xnthb, for serving in the Burning Legion. Without the hard work you and your fellow Felguards put in day after day, our Crusade would be mere vaporware.
Yes, the regeneration of villagers can indeed be discouraging, but take heart; your efforts are not in vain. Here's a little-known fact: one in every three billion villagers has a prize inside, and someday, that decoder ring will be yours!
Regarding disobedient felhounds - are you a demon or are you a demon? If a minion disobeys you, slaughter it like the dog it is and get a new one. It's what Sargeras would do.
Greetings, Sargeras, it's me.
I was wondering what kind of books you enjoy, if you are able to read any without burning the pages in an agony of hellfire, of course.
And being a paradoxical being of both metal AND fire, how often do you shower?
~Soeroah
The question about books is already answered in several other places. As to showers, once an aeon, whether I need it or not! Though of course they are all...meteor showers. (*chortle* Oh, does my hilarity know no bounds?)
Dear all powerful lord of the burning Legion, Sargeras,
Things just haven't been the same since Kil'jaeden took over and started bossing us around. He's a pretty evil guy, admittedly, but he just isn't efficient. He doesn't have the skill to effectively manage an organization of this size. have you seen what he's done at his throne? He's wasting perfectly good demons that could be used a meat shields to power some Blood Elves and make them wana-be demons. All it takes is a little demon blood and a crystal and- poof! those little posers are weak little wretched crawling on the ground, begging for mana.
Whatever happened to just rolling over armies with an impossible swarm of demons? Kil'jaeden just keeps making these crack-pot ideas that are wasting our time and resources.
Missing the good old days,
Kazuul the Dreadlord,
Steamwheedle U.S.
The sad truth is that even ancient, respectable demonic legions like ours have fallen on hard times due to the economic downturn. Our "impossible swarms" have gotten all too possible of late, and sometimes infernal soldiers who have served for twenty or even thirty millennia end up with pink slips. (Well, they're more like fiery, blazing, red-and-black slips, but you know what I mean.) Just be glad you still have a job.
As for the demons we're sacrificing, no worries - we only kill the ones that go afk during raids.
Hei buddee
Hao yew doin, big Gai? Da odder dai, I waz eetin a nome and I wunnrd, haz joo taystud wun? Dey so dulishus. Eef joo gimme a job, I ken bring joo sum, man. Allada guizes wud luv em wit sum kechap!
--Al O'Zare (alozare :D)
P.S. Joo steel invitd to my burfdee partee. Joo haz 3 weks to reppli!
P.p.S. Bring sodaz
P.p.P.S. Bring drugz. We ned moar.
P.p.p.s.S. Plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plod
Sent from my iPod
Seek help.
Dear Lord of the unseen cruelty,
I always asked myself whether you really like destroying all existent life or not.
I mean. Seriously. You come, kill, go on killing and then leave. Sounds kind of boring to me. Don't get me wrong! Maybe I just don't understand the pleasure you get from crushing existences like flies.
Oh yeah, there is another question thats bugging me for years now:
Is a zebra white with black stripes or is it black with white stripes?
Forgive my impudence, but you as an omnipotent being should know the answer
for sure.
One of the countless lifes you will take some day.
Of course, any job has its occasional sour notes, but what really gets me up in the morning isn't so much the burning, the destruction, or the worshipful adoration of my myriad servants. No, the real motivator for me is power - raw, unbridled, ridiculous power.
It's like having your own personal Death Star that's inside you. Sure, the seventh moon of Planet Peacelovinghappyworld doesn't need to be destroyed, but come on - what else are you going to do with it? And I've got to say, it just never, ever, ever gets old. I mean that from the bottom of my charbroiled heart.
As for zebras, does it really matter? The point is, they're racially segregated, and that should be bad enough for anyone.
As I was reading your blog, wondering if You would obliterate me through my monitor, I came across the relatively recent Voldemort post and why he's a really, REALLY shitty villain. I was thus inspired to ask: who are your favorite villains (besides yourself, of course), and can you think of any that are worse than Voldemort?
Also, in your picture, you have an amazing beard. Being a dwarf, I must know what you groom it with, and how long it took for it to grow.
Sincerely,
Rawlings
SWC-US
This is such a great question that it deserves its own post, which I will have to write someday, but I'll answer you briefly now.
Truly high-quality villainy is rare these days, because so many villains have forgotten what it's all about. It isn't the consonant-filled names, or the black cloaks, or the dark towers, or the superweapons that define a villain. They help, of course, but they should never distract from the true focus: being evil.
Voldemort is the perfect example; he was so busy performing horrific rituals and painting his toenails black that he never made time to actually get his bad on, which is why he was defeated by a gaggle of schoolchildren. Sad, really. And unfortunately he is far from the worst. Did you catch Megatron in that live-action Transformers movie? Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
If you want to see how to do it right, take a look at Scar from The Lion King. He didn't have any Omnipotent Crystals of Power, wasn't trying to rule the universe or show off his tattoos. But remember that scene right after Mufasa dies where he looks at Simba and says, "No one ever...means for these things to happen"? If you can watch that scene and still have any doubt that Scar is an epic-level villain, I submit that you are Doing It Wrong.
As to your second question, my beard has continued to grow slowly but steadily each day since I last had it shaved, eight hundred thousand years ago. I comb it with the souls of the unworthy.
when you aretn like, killing people and burning stuff, what do you do in your free time?
i like to imagine that you enjoy insulting inferior races and flamboyantly disregarding the feelings of others.
would i be correct to assume that?
Perish the thought! I may be an unstoppable freight train of death and destruction, but that does not make me insensitive! The mere fact that I will inevitably separate your carbon atoms into nonadjacent parsecs hardly means we should give up on thoughtful dialogue.
In my free time? Well, I blog occasionally.
Dear Dark Titan
I have a question for you. Once you destroy all other life than you, will you commit suicide? Because you stated, and I quote "No but seriously though, everyone gets wiped out, no exceptions."
If you don't then you mean that you got no life. In earths matter you are a gamer. So gamers are you and you are they so you cannot destroy them.
If on the other hand you do decide to kill youself I can think of 1 word that starts with an E.
Sincerely, Gamer Union Protection Agency (G.U.P.A.)
ps: it can be very lonely after you destroy everything, have considered chaneling your rage in more constructive ways? Say making new worlds (so that you can destroy later and remake, and destroy again). If possible after each remake keep the memmories of the habitats, this should increase agony.
I can think of a lot of words that start with E, but not very many of them are related to suicide. But as to your question - will I kill myself at the very end? Not sure yet. I guess I'll decide after I've finished wiping out everyone who takes sentences too literally.
Dear Sargeras,
I am a fellow galactic force of destruction from another universe, however I am still in training. I've been doing good with stone age worlds and up to copper age, but ever since my supervisor started giving me contracts for worlds with magic or medieval and upwards civilisation I've been having trouble to keep my quota. I either get held up on the resident resistance, or my minions betray me. Can you, as a man with aeons of experience in the field, give an up and coming colleague some pointers?
Sincerely
Seeking for Advice
Ah yes, the so-called "Medieval Barrier" is a difficult hurdle in the career of any young up-and-coming destroyer. The trick is to wreak as much havoc as possible from orbit before descending into the atmosphere. Also, if possible, try to take the form of a local deity - that should keep them guessing for a while.
As for minion betrayal - kill 'em, every time, no exceptions. Letting them live just sets a bad example for the rest. A lot of would-be overlords worry they can no longer sustain this practice when their minion levels drop too low, but trust me - it's better than the alternative.
Best of luck!
Dear 'The Dark Titan,'
First things first, you are a great overlord. I so look forward to the day when you finally just stop by and totally obliterate Earth, but I've got to ask: will we subjected to eternal torture after death, or do you have mercy once you've beat the living crap out of us and had your laughs, and let us live in the Nether and play tennis with comets and stuff?
And another question, if you'd grace me with an answer, my liege: do you get dental with the whole supreme evil of the universe thing? Because I've been considering looking into being a demon-minion. Oh, speaking of demon-minions, are you hiring? Do they die too, when you destroy enough worlds?
Thanks, and my eternal gratitude and servitude.
- Celeania of US-Moon Guard
Eternal torture? Hell no. I just blow stuff up, man, I'm not, like, a sicko or something.
I do get dental, but it sucks - the cleaning assistants are all Felguards. (No offense, Xnthb.)
Impossibly Powerful Dark Titan -
Did you have any schooling in the ways of destruction? Or was it an instinctual thing? On that note, did you have any schooling? Did you go to school? Were you a good student?
- A pathetic Human
Why of course - surely you don't think I got to where I am today by being a dropout? No, indeed, I have a Bachelor's in Applied Macrodisintegration (with a minor in pottery), a Master's in Infernal Management, and a PhD in Ecological Pyroengineering. Yes, that's Doctor Sargeras to you!
I am Mr.Patrick Chan director of operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd.I
have urgent and very confidential business proposition involving
transferof $30,000,000.00.for more information contact me on my private
emial address
Mr. Chan, would you believe that by some mistake this delightful business proposition landed in my spam folder? Please send me my $30 million immediately to the following address:
ATTN: Department of Shutting the Hell Up
1337 GoFuckYourself Ave
GTFO City, Twisting Nether, Great Dark
Thanks Mr. Chan, and thanks everyone else for your great e-mails! Keep 'em coming!

### Which one of you wrote this about me?

My WoWWiki page says I am "a huge being almost beyond comprehension."
Does this mean I need to go on a diet? :(
Do not judge :(

### Pardon me sir, is that a Mesocricetus auratus?

So I've gotten a ton of e-mail from y'all lately, and to everyone who wrote in, don't worry - I haven't forgotten about ya. I'll be posting an Ask Sargeras! on Wednesday.
In the meantime, here's something adorable I found to tide you over:
What's that? You say the pictures I post have to be related to World of Warcraft? Well, if you insist.
Now what? You're telling me that because I'm Supreme Overlord of the Burning Legion, my pictures need to be...darker?
All right, all right!
Sheesh. There's no pleasing you people.

## Monday, April 6, 2009

### Okay then

You can get all kinds of information about web traffic from Google Analytics.
For example. I saw today that somebody found this blog by doing a Google search on - and I quote - "3pic sex."
I can only imagine their disappointment...

## Sunday, April 5, 2009

### WILFs

Today I'm introducing my WILFs - these would be Worlds I'd Like to Fry.
Yes, I destroy everything, but some planets are more fun than others. Who wants to ravage someplace like Mars, that's all barren rock and polar ice, for the sake of a few microbes? There's no job satisfaction - no excitement. Mustafar should be the finished product, not the starting point, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, I think you do.
Here are some planets that make me say: "Yeah, I'd hit that."
Kashyyyk
Alias: Wookieetopia
Setting a planet on fire is so much easier when the surface is made out of kindling. Biodiversity...a complex ecosystem...the truth is, I really do like to stop and smell the flowers. And then I like to submerge the flowers in rivers of molten lava.
Qo'noS
Alias: Klingonville
The land is all one big supercontinent, which is, you know, convenient. Also I think Klingons would be really fun to squish. Oh, and it's named after a titan, so you can't beat that.
Arrakis
Alias: Dune
This one might seem counterintuitive, since it's just desert. But for me, it's all about the sandworms. Just imagine - as I'm ripping apart the crust, they'll start flopping around like mile-long earthworms after a big rain. Didn't predict that one, did you, Muad'Dib?
Minbar
Alias: Home of the Creatively-Named "Minbari"
They have entire cities carved out of crystal. It'd be like walking into a Chihuly exhibit with a sledgehammer.
Gaia
Alias: Isaac Asimov's Been Drinking Again
Okay, guys, guys - the planet is alive. Honestly. Need I say more?
Earth
Alias: Pale Blue Dot
This "Green Movement" thing you folks have going is amazing. You've actually organized a campaign to make your planet more enjoyable for me to burn. It'd be like if an arsonist snuck into somebody's house and found they'd baked him cookies. Keep it up, seriously.
Azeroth
Alias: Lich King Sekrit Clubhouse
Okay, you knew this one was coming. But what can I say? Azeroth is where it's at. One look at those rolling hills and wide, stormy oceans makes me want to plunge my fingers into its tectonic plates and get into some serious mantle. It's taken me a bit longer than I expected, but you know how it is. The anticipation just heightens the pleasure.
Well, that's me. What about you, Gentle Readers? What planet would you annihilate if you had the chance? (And don't say Earth. There are a trillion trillion worlds out there. Be creative with your destruction!)
Newer Posts Older Posts Home
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)