## Tuesday, June 23, 2009

### Haiku #40

Let your conscience rest.
Your sin, compared to mine, is
a peccadillo.

## Monday, June 22, 2009

### Theme song!

So, as I mentioned in Saturday's post, this is something that's been in the works for a while now, and I'm very excited to unveil it at last: the official Sargeras theme song!
You see, about two months ago, this conversation happened:
Incredibly Talented Friend: Hey, I like your blog. Can I record a song for it? I'll write the lyrics, sing, and play the guitar myself, so you don't have to do anything whatsoever except link to it.
Me: Hells to the yes please!
So she did, and even better, it's to the tune of one of my all-time favorite songs, Hey There Delilah. This incredibly talented friend is named Kiley Kilburn, and her music is up on her website at KileyKilburn.com, which currently points to her MySpace page.
So! To listen to the official Sargeras theme song, just go to the playlist on her website and click "Coffee With Sargeras." If you like it, leave a comment and tell her so!
Oh and by the way some of her other songs are pretty amazing too.

## Friday, June 19, 2009

### Surprise coming on Monday

For about two months now I've been aware that something very cool was coming for this blog, but I've kept it a secret in case it didn't happen for some reason. Well, it's ready, and on Monday I'll reveal what it is.
And no, it's not another chat log. This'll be something quite different than anything I've posted on here in the past.
I think y'all will like it.

### Gettin' Naxxy wit' it

Two things!
1. I have a guest post on the home page of the Barrens Security Group guild; it may not be up yet but should appear sometime soon. (Update: it's up!) If you've ever wondered what the hell the point of Naxxramas is, you should check it out. It's like Clarissa Explains It All except instead of Clarissa, it's me, and instead of "all" it's pretty much just Naxxramas. Look, I've never actually seen the show, okay?
And remember, if you'd like Sargeras to guest-post on your site (or blog), just send me an e-mail. Even if your site is small, I'll probably say yes!
2. I hereby proclaim today to be DE-LURKING DAY! Anyone who's been reading for a long time and never commented before, today is your day. Oh, I know what you're thinking - he doesn't actually mean me, does he? He's talking to all the other lurkers out there. Well, guess what, peeps, this is a categorical imperative, so don't tell me you Kant do it! (To the three people that got that joke: you're welcome.) Now fire up that keyboard and let the comments fly!!
Oh and, if you're not a lurker, you can still comment too. I guess. I'm feeling benevolent today.

## Thursday, June 18, 2009

### Sonnet contest results!

The Sonnet Contest is over, and the results are in. I received a total of nineteen entries. Let me say that picking just three winners out of these nineteen was a challenging task. Y'all obviously put a lot of thought into this, and I was forced to make some hard choices. In particular, I was impressed with the number of entrants who said that English was not their native tongue. Entering a poetry contest in a second language is a move that requires, ahem, cojones.
(In the future, I'll try to avoid using "tongue" and "cojones" in the same paragraph - I promise.)
So, here we go: the winners. And if you entered but your poem doesn't appear below, just remember, you still got the greatest gift of all: the brief and derisive attention of the Dark Titan.
HONORABLE MENTION
As I was reading through the entries, this sonnet caught my eye at once for its spot-on perfect meter and lyrical language. Thought it didn't quite have that little je ne sais quoi it needed to make it to the top three, it flows so well and demonstrates such intelligent word choices that I had to at least give it a mention.
Of Titan’s Fall
by Arallion
With steady care, his hand swept chaos smooth,
Yet still resurgent evil fostered strife,
And flames of torment wreathed his heart with truth:
Order herself maintained this farce of life.
The Champion of Titans marked his course,
His weapon cracked in twain and forged anew
The Titans’ worlds fell ‘neath demonic force,
Chaotic flaming bronze their dying view.
Yet Azeroth, with lissome tempting wiles
Did thrice withstand corruption in her heart
Rebuffing banal chaos she beguiles
With bright caprice to balance order’s art.
O Sargeras! Tho powerful you reign
In shades of grey do Titans’ works remain.
THIRD PLACE
This one is a sad, contemplative piece that uses simple language to evoke thoughtful images. Multiple readings may be necessary to get the full effect.
Night before the last dawn
by Kristof
A long day it was, even stars seems languid,
As they glimmer, like mourning candle-light.
Mourning the fallen and the living alike:
They know, if he arrives, all will be ended.
No, don't fear now, friend, you shall be safe tonight.
He creases the nether, he knits his eyebrows,
As he is forced to hear the scream of the souls.
Dreams, and memories, even titans cannot fight.
Tomorrow, he will travel the space again.
When he arrives, you will be the one to blame,
If your life is empty, if you live it in vain
Just lie down and trust, the Universe is vast,
Don't crease your blanket, don't look into your past.
I wish you a nice dream. This might be your last.
SECOND PLACE
This sonnet is lively, with complex rhythms and a crisp volta. It also demonstrates a working knowledge of classical mythology, which is just too rare these days.
The Highest Art
by Craig
I was about to challenge You to a duel,
Lord Sargeras, a little competition
full of planetary demolition,
screaming, and sundered stars, with just one rule:
poetry would have been our only tool
of mass destruction, for the immolation
ignited by the pen wipes out creation
more surely than the sword, so I learned at school.
Then I recalled those who have challenged gods
and what became of them: turned into birds
or dolphins or a spider, or torn apart
by drunken women or a hunter’s dogs.
Not wanting such an end from impious words,
I realized that silence is the highest art.
FIRST PLACE
The winning sonnet isn't especially artistic, lyrical, or evocative, but it is by far the funniest entry I received. And really, amusing the Dark Titan - isn't that what it's all about? Yes. Yes it is.
(Untitled)
by Scott
An idyllic world with fields of flowers strewn
Peacefulness aside, it shan't be spared
Its mantle from its very core is hewn
You disagree? Your judgement is impaired.
He does it not to punish us for sins,
Nor does he do it to acquire riches;,
He doesn't even do it for the grins -
He does it just because it's *there*, bitches.
Some will try to flee his brand of fun
By offering to serve as his left hand,
But when he says "I DEFET EVERONE!!!1!!11"
What part of that do you not understand?
You think he'll let you live? He won't.
"EVERONE" means we all get pwnt.
Well, that's that. Congratulations to the winners! Each of you will be receiving something from the store. I'll be sending you an e-mail shortly to talk about the details of your prizes.
Thanks to everyone who participated!

### Haiku #39

They say death leads to
rebirth, but that just implies
yet another death.

## Wednesday, June 17, 2009

### The seeds of revolution

Completely unrelated to WoW, but too important not to mention: if you're not paying attention to what's happening in Iran right now, you should be.
Up-to-the-minute coverage can be found here.

### Ask Sargeras! In which the possibility of more recipes is raised.

Only a handful of e-mails this time around, but you know what they say about e-mails: "The fewer you get, the more time you have for burnin' thatch-roof huts!" (Do people still say that these days?) Well, anyway...
Dear Sargeras,
Do you find it ever gets annoying to have so many fabulous titles to your name? What I mean is, if you're the courteous sort, if you were about to decimate a town and someone saw you, and began screaming "IT'S THE MASTER OF ALL THINGS EVIL, RULER OF THE BURNING LEGION, LORD OF THE TWISTING NETHER--" etc. etc., would you wait for them to finish blurting your many names, or just end them on the spot?
Also, cats or dogs?
- Raptorbane, Steamwheedle Cartel (US)
Naturally I would kill said screamer sans deliberation, but your question does raise a valid issue: the proliferation of titles. The perpetration of destruction on a galactic scale is problematic in that the number of titles one acquires is a second degree polynomial function of time; that is, title quantity increases at a superlinear rate. At present I hold over 8,337,000 titles, including old standbys like "Prince of Omnipotence" and "The Shadowy Shah," but also many lesser-known honorifics such as "Annihilator of Phylum Ferrochordata," "Destroyer of Some Asteroids in the Gamma Sector," and "That One Dude Who Like Totally Stomped On That Other Thing And Did You See It 'Cause It Was Like Wicked Tricky."
I have actually commissioned a list of titles I do not possess, in the hopes that it will be somewhat shorter. Chief among these are "King of Nuzzling," "King of Soft Gentle Nuzzling," and, of course, "King of Whitebread."
Regarding cats and dogs, I must perforce vote in favor of cats - because, as the Intarwebs would say, they "has a flavur," and I am here to tell you it is delicious.
Dear Sargeras --
Ever hear of Ziltoid the Omniscient? If not, you probably should see about him getting you a theme song made for your everyday lifestyle and such. Oh and why didn't you just kick Kil'jaeden's ass out of that portal into Azeroth and get the destruction over with? C'mon -- were you just making tea and he tried doing something sneaky?
Btw -- if you choose to kill me I'll read you my poetry as you do.
Cheers,
kimo of Burning Legion
I did run into Ziltoid once, very briefly, about seventy centuries ago. He wanted to try my coffee. I wanted him to go on a safari through the raging corona of Alpha Centauri B. I'll leave the resolution of that conflict to your more-than-qualified imagination.
As for Kil'jaeden, you've got to understand that watching your own lackeys fail is probably the biggest perk of having lackeys in the first place. And Killy, if you're reading this, you know I'm only kidding, buddy! Or, alternatively, bitterly serious and wrathful. ;-)
Dear Sargeras
Hey Sargie, I hope i find you well. How goes the planet-busting business?
Anyways i was wondering if you had any other recipes to share with us, your loyal fans...err...slaves.
Your BLSSUM is quite frankly the greatest food ever created, I have made it several times now and its always a hit!
Please share your culinary knowledge with us oh great one!
- Tom of Planet Earth (Please don't destroy us)
Hm, I think I can probably dig something else up. What say you, loyal readers? Would a second infernal recipe be welcomed by your kind?
Well, that's all for this mailbag. Have a question for Sargeras? Send it in! And remember, kids: if the Titans didn't want planets to burn, they shouldn't have made them out of magma. Ta ta for now!
LOBSMAARP: 33.333333333%

## Tuesday, June 16, 2009

### Sonnet contest closed

I trust everyone enjoyed Opposite Day? My Google Follower count actually dropped by one yesterday, so apparently someone out there was not in love with the New Me. Well, not to worry. The planet-destroying titan you all know and hate isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
Anyway, the Sonnet Contest is officially closed. Thanks to everyone who entered! The winners will be announced Thursday.

### Haiku #38

Enjambment is like
a beautiful flower that
is kind of boring.

## Monday, June 15, 2009

### Sargeras's Busy Day

Gosh, aren't bunny rabbits delightful?
I think I will never grow tired of feeling just how soft and fuzzy they are. Their warm fur and cute bunny rabbit noses make me giggle with happiness whenever I pet them. And I'm pleased to say today was another very productive day for the Bunny-Petting Legion, as we traveled to two planets and petted over eighty thousand bunny rabbits between us.
I awoke bright and early to the sound of bluebirds twittering in the trees, which reminded me right away that I needed to post to my own Twitter feed. If only there were some way to Twitter while I sleep, so I wouldn't have to go eight hours without a tweet! Here's what I tweeted:
"I wish there were even more bunny rabbits in the galaxy so I could pet them, too!"
After my 7:00 tea, I had Kil'jaeden give me a manicure; it wouldn't do to have those nails get dirty or (heaven forfend) turn into claws. I perused the latest Precious Moments catalogue and had one of my demon friends make yet another donation in my name to the Charity for the Utopia Terra Establishment (CUTE), a fund dedicated to making every planet a paradise.
But of course, it's not enough to sit by and donate. I have to get out there and help make it happen with my own lavender-scented hands!
So at 9:00 sharp, I tweeted our first destination to all my helper demons, and we descended en masse to the Rocky Moon of Magmagon VI. Not a very happy place, let me tell you - their TV selection was so limited, I had to miss watching The View! But that's okay - we made everything better in a hurry. We planted petunias, lit scented candles, and cleaned up all that nasty lava. A few spritzes of Febreze took care of the smoky odor, and then it was picnic time!
In between petting the bunnies, we set up a very agreeable buffet of all-vegan cuisine, featuring a splendid pièce de résistance - a block of tofu sculpted into the shape of the Arc de Triomphe! By this time the smoke had quite cleared, allowing beautiful TV reception, so we put on the Lawrence Welk Show for the remainder of the dinner.
Then it was off to Azeroth, which is my very favorite place to visit because all the races live in such perfect harmony. We visited my good pal, Arthas the Lunch King, though of course it was too late for lunch - so we had dinner instead! As we dipped our strawberries in the chocolate fountain and petted even more bunny rabbits, I looked out from the peak of Nicecrown Citadel over the wide fields of Northglen, and suddenly I was struck by an incredible thought:
Bunnies really are soft, aren't they?
All too soon we left that homey abode, promising Arthas we would return to see him again next week. Of course, he wouldn't let us leave without taking a few gallons of his prized milk and honey - the latter made from his colonies of stingless honeybees. What a guy!
My bubble bath was waiting for me back home, and a good thing too - after such a busy day, I was beginning to perspire! Fortunately I was ship-shape in no time, with the help of my bath candles and oils - and of course no bath is complete without the tranquil accompaniment of Enya. By the time I was done, my fingers and toes were all pruney! That always makes me laugh.
Then it was bedtime, so I picked out my silk pajamas with the little doves on them and slipped into my waterbed, where I was sure to dream about the soft mews of baby kittens, and the gentle murmur of the sea. I could hardly wait to wake up again the next morning for another day of adventure!
Oh, by the way, today is the last day of the Sonnet Contest, so make sure you e-mail me your entry by midnight Eastern Standard Time tonight! I mean, if you're into that kind of thing. Me personally, I think poetry is so pedestrian, don't you?
LOBSMAARP: 0% (who could sue someone as wonderful as me?)

## Friday, June 12, 2009

### Writing tips!

Hello, hello! Three things for y'all today...
1. Most importantly, I have a guest post up over at Lanuria's blog in which I give no fewer than TEN tips on how to write about me (Sargeras). Thanks to Lanuria for letting me post on her blog! And remember, if you'd like Sargeras to guest-post on your website, just send me an e-mail. Even if your site is a small one, I'll probably say yes. Good times are guaranteed!
2. The deadline for the sonnet contest is Monday, so if you want to win FREE SPECTACULAR MERCHANDISE then you should probably get on that!
3. I set it up so you can follow my blog on Facebook using that NetworkedBlogs thing, so if you aren't already my friend on Facebook then I'd say you are running out of excuses! That or you have actual legitimate uses of your time, y'know, could be either one.
My web dude is complaining about something like he has to get his wisdom teeth taken out today, don't really know or care what he means but it seems to involve suffering so I'm all for it. Hope your weekend is better than his, and see you on Monday!
LOBSMAARP: 35%

## Thursday, June 11, 2009

### Top ten ways to destroy Earth

Stumbled across an interesting site today: Top 10 Ways to Destroy Earth.
While I'm not mentioned by name, it seems they're at least familiar with my work. #3 and #1 are personal favorites of mine.
UPDATE: Commenter Ataraxaven below points out another very good article about planetary destruction, this time from a Star Trek angle.

### Haiku #37

Oh, roses are red,
violence is too, I make things
dead, and write haiku.
(Those who complain that "violence" actually has three syllables, can - in the words of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II - "suck it.")

## Wednesday, June 10, 2009

### Sargeras in action!

Anthony Clarke had a good suggestion in his last e-mail. Let me quote:
"Maybe you could do a minute-by-minute update of the next planet you destroy? (assuming it isn't us, of course.)"
Indeed I could, Anthony, indeed I could.
8:36 AM
I go over the intelligence. Today's target is a little class-M world called Cornucopia. We haven't been able to gather much data about it so we'll have to play it by ear.
8:55 AM
I pry apart space and time with my trusty Titan Crowbar. Stepping through, I find myself in a low orbit around Cornucopia. It is a pretty little world, green and yellow dotted here and there with specks of brown. Under other circumstances we might have been friends. Around me, my demons gather, their sulfurous exhalations forming small clouds in the starry void.
9:01 AM
My Sorcer-O-Graph has not tingled, which means they don't have magic. Thank the Nether. Magical worlds are a pain in my ass. Every two-bit haberdasher with an amulet can summon a Leviathan to gnaw on your elbows. No thank you!
9:03 AM
They do, however, have advanced technology. I know this because seven hundred and thirty-two warships have just appeared out of the stratosphere. They seem unhappy.
9:06 AM
The warships send signals in the local language. Don't understand them, don't care. I respond with a signal they understand quite well: slicing their mothership in half with Gorribal.
9:07 AM
The other ships scatter. The demons and I play tag; it's soon over. One demon casualty - Err'zkghtall The Flatulent. Can't say I'm particularly heartbroken.
9:43 AM
I descend.
9:48 AM
Nuclear weapons arrive from all directions, wreathing me in mushroom clouds. It is a refreshing sensation. So much more fun than the pacifists. They stop, though, as I approach the surface. Wouldn't want to harm that precious agriculture, you know.
10:08 AM
This is amazing - the dominant life form on this planet is a walking ear of corn. Which titan thought that was a good idea? Heh. This could be more fun than I thought. I wonder...
10:09 AM
YES! They pop into popcorn when you touch them! HAHAHAHAHAHA
12:42 PM
omg this is so fun
1:26 PM
still popping
1:45 PM
Okay time to get serious. Enough of this gratuitous corn popping. It's... hehehehehe
3:30 PM
Okay time to get serious for really reals. I march toward their capital. Its complicated structure of walls forms an elaborate maize designed to repel intruders. It wasn't designed for this intruder, though. I cartwheel across the city till most all of it is on fire, then pick up chunks of the walls and throw them at everything that moves.
4:07 PM
Not much is moving.
4:56 PM
I call in my reinforcements. We have our fun, burning out swaths of the rainforests that spell our names, kicking buttes, shouting CANNONBALL as we leap into lakes. You have to let your troops do this sort of thing to keep them loyal. This isn't the fucking United Federation of Planets, you know.
7:12 PM
We've had our fun...let's do this. Conveniently, this planet has three moons. I grab them and drop to the surface in order by size, starting with the smallest. One...
7:40 PM
Two...
8:11 PM
Three!
8:18 PM
So pretty...like a million little epileptic fireflies all having seizures at once. I take a picture with my iPhone.
8:47 PM
Escape pods. Figures. My demons will take care of them. I keep staring at the surface.
8:59 PM
Is this really my purpose? My calling? I sometimes wonder if I should've taken up polo.
9:12 PM
I shake off these thoughts as the planet shakes off its crust, revealing the sumptuous mantle underneath. Another photo for my iPhone. Shiva will be jealous. How long has it been since I called Shiva? I make a mental note.
9:46 PM
It's all over. Nothing left but the paperwork. I take one last lingering gaze over what used to be the landscape, then teleport back to my office to get started on the forms. My demons will handle the cleanup.
10:38 PM
Paperwork is finished. I dictate, of course. No actual paper products are allowed to come within a 3-parsec radius of my person. I should go to bed, but I'm not tired. The amusements of this afternoon forgotten, I pace the halls, indifferently returning the salutes of my terrified deputies. What is this strange ennui? Yet not so strange, after all. I'd be lying if I said I'd never felt it before, on nights when the conquest is a little too easy, the annihilation a little too straightforward.
10:52 PM
I take a Benadryl and head to my sleeping chambers. Enough of this. I'll feel better tomorrow.
2:05 AM
I wake up, sweating. Who's there? No one. Just a dream. I sigh. I've had enough of dreams.
2:05 AM
Maybe tomorrow will be different.
2:05 AM
That's what I said yesterday.

## Monday, June 8, 2009

### Haiku #36

Do I recycle?
I'd like to. Someone show me
the bin marked "planets."

## Sunday, June 7, 2009

### AND I WILL STAND IN IT.

Hello boys and girls! I'm too tired (read: lazy) for a full-fledged post today, but that doesn't mean I'm about to leave y'all high and dry with nothing amusing to read. One of my readers e-mailed me this, a conversation between Yogg-Saron and Kologarn, that's making the forum rounds. It made me LOL... and also (perhaps not coincidentally???) reminded me of my own chat logs. Go check it out.
In other news, there's a mere one week left in the sonnet contest, and I've only received four entries so far. Considering that there are three prizes, I'd say we need a little more competition to make things interesting, wouldn't you? Read the rules, then send me a sonnet if you haven't already!

## Friday, June 5, 2009

### Sargeras Fan Art!!

Okay, listen, you have to check out my guest post today over on Kate's blog, Tastes Like Lint. Yes, it's full of my usual brilliance, but much more importantly (and unbeknownst to me) Kate has posted her very own illustration of me. I have to say, it is the best likeness I have ever seen.
Go. Read. Laugh.
And remember, if you'd like Sargeras to guest-post on your blog, just send me an e-mail, even if your blog is a small one. I'll probably say yes!
Have a great weekend.

## Thursday, June 4, 2009

### Blog template is FUBAR

WTF is going on with the template, you may well ask. I would like to know myself. I was not consulted on the "Make your carefully selected design look like a vanilla turd" decision.
I'll ask my web dude what's up, but I have a feeling he won't know either.
Last time this happened, it fixed itself after a few hours, so let's hope for the best. I may need to find a new image host...
UPDATE: We seem to be working again. Yeah, I think it's probably my image host.

### Haiku #35

Superman is the
strongest being anywhere?
Heh. Krypton was fun.
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