## Wednesday, June 3, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which I answer SO MANY E-MAILS

Last week I beseeched y'all to send me your questions, and wow, did you ever. My inbox was fuller than something that's completely full of other, smaller things! Well, let's get right to it.
Dear Dark Titan,
I know destroying entire solar systems must be the kind of job that can work up an appetite, especially for someone who enjoys their work and really gets into it. I was wondering what kind of snacks keep you going through your day, if any, and what kind of hearty meal you like to sit down to after a long day's work?
I would also like to extend an invitation for a free meal of your choice at the restaurant where i work, should you be hungry at the time your schedule gets around to the destruction of earth. While i'm not a chef yet, i am aspiring to be, and i have a small bit of talent, being a southerner raised on fried chicken and other country cousine. It would be my honor to serve the last meal i prepare to one such as yourself!
Awaiting destruction and prepared to make SMORES,
Savadren of Doomhammer
S'mores are delicious, and anyone who says differently in my presence will pay the price. Using heat to make marshmallows and chocolate even more delicious? I'm sold. Thank you for your kind offer...next time I pass through, I'll look you up. I'll warn you, though, I am extraordinarily...well...hot. So I guess, if you can't stand the heat...well, you know.
As to my own eating habits, there is of course the BLSSUM, a perennial favorite of the infernal legions. I like it because it's easy, and I'm all about easy due to my intense laziness. Hence carrot sticks, Doritos, and mac & cheese occupy the top tier in my culinary hierarchy. I'm also partial to no-bake cookies, but I'm so bad at the no-bake part!
Dear Annihilator of Worlds,
So, as the Lich King mentioned in one of your hilarious (which i mean in the best of ways, almighty destroyer) chatlogs, you don't appear to have any endgame.
Your puny, ever-failing right hand Kil'Jaeden couldn't come up with a good explanation for what your Legion would do after you killed everyone and everything outside of it, but I'm sure you can. And if on the off chance he was right about this matter, let me say that I think you deserve Aegwynn's corpse to dance on. You did spend 778 years trapped in that corpse.
P.S.: Do paladins get smashed first?
Thvelin, Nazgrel-US
Endgame, endgame, everyone's worried about endgame. Is it really reasonable to expect a well-thought-out long-term strategy from the High Overlord of Chaotic Evil? But if you must know, I envision the Very End Of Times going a little something like this:
1. All other life destroyed, the Burning Legion is the only thing left in a universe of ruins and dust.
2. I pit my demons against each other in an elaborate gladiatorial system for my amusement, promising the winners membership in an ever-shrinking and nonexistent group of beings that I will allow to survive.
3. The last demon standing gets the honor of being personally squelched by yours truly.
4. No, I am not going to kill myself. I will spend the remaining 275,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years before the Heat Death of the Universe practicing transcendental meditation. If Buddhism is all about removing attachments, it should be a lot easier when there's nothing left to be attached to.
5. Occasionally I will indulge in baccarat.
And no, pallies do not get the honor of first smiting. The honor of first smiting goes to Whoever Happens To Be Standing In Wisconsin When I Drop Greenland On It.
Dear Mister Dark Titan,
I've been conducting research into titany things lately, (Well, only some titany things, to be honest, because some of the titans made really neat stuff, like Uldaman and rainbows and gigantic machines that fill up whole mountains, and some of them are... well... Aggramar.) And anyway, in my research, I've come across a few things that I just can't figure out: If you destroy everything, where are you going to keep all your stuff? And where will you go to get pie?
Sincerely,
Flit Flutterby
The first question is easy: if the whole universe is a smoking wreck, there's nothing but places to put my stuff. For example: the crater where Wisconsin used to be before I dropped Greenland on it? A place to put my stuff. The parsecs between the dust motes of what used to be Neptune? A place to put my stuff. Waste a lot, want not.
As to the pie, rest assured I have not been idle in the billions of years of my life. My stockpile of pie is without rival in the universe, with the possible exception of Oscar Wilde, who as of this writing is both crusty and fruity.
Dear Sargeras
I've been asking around, and it struck me that you have, and I quote,
"Wildly dancing flames surround his head and form a thick mass of hair and a sweeping beard."
Now you see o mighty titan, I am a dreadlord that's rather new to this dealio. How do you keep the beard and the hair to a respectable standard? Do you use some sort of huge razor, or does it just fall off at your will?
-- A stubbly dreadlord
This can be tricky. I used to have one of my demon-lords shave me with Gorribal, but I ended up with a sloppy cut, too many nicks, and far too few demon-lords (mainly as a result of the nicks). These days, whenever I need a trim, I just pay a visit to Aegwynn, and her cutting remarks do the job quite nicely.
Greetings, oh great Titan, I hope that It's going good with your daily destruction of universe.
I dare send you that message to ask you a little thing that could help us to understand better the universe itself.
In our little planet there are people that believe that the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. Peraphs joust to know that that is the answer helps that people, and sometimes also me use that simple answer to calm my useless doubts.
What do you think about that? Did you find the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything yourself in your really-long life? Can you share a little your reliable knowledge?
Sincerely,
Pretenano (argent dawn, EU)
P.S. I hope my english is good enough my powerfull Lord
Yeah, it's 42. I remember because I got that question wrong on my Introduction To Useless Philosophy 103 class back before I went dark. I put "seeing Jessica Alba naked," which was marked wrong because she hadn't been born at the time. Fascists.
Incidentally, Douglas Adams seems to have been under the impression that the Question itself cannot be understood, and that if Question and Answer were ever known at the same time, the universe would implode. This is untrue; I know, because I tried it myself, hoping for a shortcut. No dice. For the curious: the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is, "What is the atomic number of molybdenum?" Trufax.
Dear Sargeras,
Where do baby Titans come from?
Sincerely,
Amaralith, Trollbane-US
Well, you see, when two interdimensional filaments love each other very much...
That is, there were some birds and some bees and a stork the size of Rhode Island...
What I mean to say is, if a pair of gametes each happens to be made of adamantium...
I guess what I'm getting at is, a cosmic paragon of annihilation has certain needs...
Look, it's complicated, okay?
Sargeras, Lord of the twisting nether, commander of the burning legion and aficionado of haiku,
Before, you have stated that when you destroy the earth you will give us minute-by-minute updates of what you're doing. We humans have a thing called "previews" where you show us what something is like before it happens. Mostly this is done for movies. But seeing as we wont be around to make one, maybe you could do a minute-by-minute update of the next planet you destroy? (assuming it isn't us, of course.)
-AC
Not a bad idea! I'll keep it in mind.
Don't worry, I'll make it a little longer and more interesting than certain other planetary destructions I could name.
Dear big, dedicated destroyer person
Yeah, hi. Look, I'm sorry, but I'm just a gnome, who, in his spare time, cruses the internet. I'm not exactly happy with you, really. I mean, you are going to decimate - not kill, DECIMATE - me and my bud's. Frankly, I like being alive. So, I hope you don't mind, but if I do see some little imp, I'll be sure to kill it. No offense or anything, just a matter of politics. Can't be supporting something we hate, now can we?
Anyways, when I'm not frankly $%@!%'d at you for the above mentioned problem to my well being, I was wondering. Your ultimate goal (according to the wonders of WoWwiki, anyways) is to undo everything the Titans made. Well... Doesn't that kind of mean you have to destroy yourself? How does that work? Nothingness can't be nothing if something is in the nothing, and your definitely a rather big something. So, what are your final plans? And how are you going to have a funeral if everything is dead?
PS. How do your parents (If you have any) feel about this career path? Just wondering...
Your everlasting enemy and coffee mate
-A little guy with a big sword (ALGWABS for short)
I think I've already answered the questions about endgame and titan parenthood, so let me simply suggest that you channel your rage into something more productive...like poetry. ;-)
So far, all the focus for questions in 'Ask Sargeras' that people seem to have is on the current 'Sargeras the Destroyer', or whatever applicable title of choice you prefer. For a change however, how about a few questions about the 'goody-good' Sargeras of the past?
We all know that you used to go around smiting evil and such pre-corruption, but aside from switching sides, has much really changed? I mean, back then it was wiping out dreadlords and the worlds they twisted, but it seems like it was destruction nonetheless. Are there any other notable personality quirks or even hobbies that carried over, or is there a mental block on what was perhaps a 'sickeningly sweet' old life, like how you used to be unable to conceive of pure evil back then?
Also, originally the story went that the Eredar helped you along the path of corruption, and now the official word is that you corrupted them instead (leaving the space goats to escape). Bronze dragonflight conspiracies perhaps, or were you simply too busy being distracted by the wiles of the 'original' space goat women to remember/care either way?
And incidentally, I came across an old lore post regarding you on wowinsder back in '07, saying "It's a good thing Sargeras didn't have a livejournal, as I bet it would have had some really awful 'you don't understand my pain' poetry on it." Little did they know what would really eventuate...
- The Masked Mustelid
Hm...I'll try to answer these in the order you asked them...
1. The main thing that's changed between the old smiting and the new smiting is there's a lot less anxiety now. Think about it: if you're smiting evil, you constantly have to check what you smite pre-smite to make sure it's actually smite-worthy. Talk about pressure! Under the new "Scorched Ether" policy, ulcers are down 98%.
2. The main personality quirk left over from the "good old days," so to speak, is my insatiable schoolboy crush on the moon Io. Mmmm...how can you stay mad at a planetoid that's ripping itself apart? Of course, in those innocent times, I figured my attraction was merely platonic, and certainly not tectonic. I've learned better since then...and so has Io.
3. If you rearrange the letters in "Space Goat" you get "Taco Pages," which I think is all I have to say about that.
4. The site you're referring to would be here. I was actually just reading that line myself not too long ago, and it gave me a pretty good chuckle.
I mean, honestly. I am many things, but I'm hardly Goth.
Well, that about wraps it up for this week. Keep those questions coming!

## Tuesday, June 2, 2009

### Haiku #34

Welcome, Mr. Bond!
I will kill you, but...not yet.
That shit cracks me up.

## Monday, June 1, 2009

### Sonnet contest!

Have you found yourself thinking, "Gee! I sure would love to have a Spider Pride T-shirt or one of the other fine items on the Coffee With Sargeras store, but I can't afford any of it because it's all so absurdly overpriced?"
Have you further opined, "I wish I could procure such merchandise for myself, for free, via some sort of ridiculous contest that submits my hard work to the arbitrary whims of someone I've never met?"
Well, hypothetical reader, your improbable wishes have finally come true! I hereby announce the first ever (and possibly last ever) Coffee With Sargeras Sonnet Contest!
So what exactly can I win?
First place - you get your choice of any single item from the store, FREE.
Second place - you get your choice of any single item from the store, other than a shirt, FREE.
Third place - you get your choice of a button or a magnet from the store, FREE.
I will of course cover the shipping charge as well. Free actually does mean free.
I guess I have to write, like, a sonnet or something?
Yes. To enter the contest, you must write a sonnet about me (Sargeras) and e-mail it to me.
All right, what are the rules?
OFFICIAL CONTEST RULES
1. You must write your own sonnet (no plagiarism).
2. The sonnet must be in English. I'm not going to disqualify you if you include a phrase from Latin or something, but don't expect to win if you write 14 lines of masterful poetry in Tagalog.
3. The sonnet must be about me (Sargeras).
4. Limit one sonnet per person. Any new sonnets you send me after the first one will be ignored.
5. Once you've submitted your sonnet, no revisions are allowed.
6. The sonnet must be submitted via e-mail. Submissions via Facebook message, blog comment, or anything else other than e-mail will be ignored.
7. All entries must be submitted on or before June 15, 2009.
8. Include the phrase "Sonnet contest entry" or something similar in the subject line.
Do I have to be a regular blog reader to enter?
Of course not. How would I know if you weren't, anyway?
I'm not from the United States. Can I still enter?
Yes. As long as you live somewhere that Zazzle ships to (which is almost everywhere in the world), you can enter. If you live somewhere Zazzle doesn't ship to, then you can still enter, but, uh, you won't get a prize.
(Please note, the list I linked to above is very stupidly arranged, in that it is mostly but not totally in alphabetical order. If you don't see your country right away, do a search on the page.)
Does the sonnet have to be funny? Do I have to write about how awesome you are?
No and no. There are no restrictions on content or style beyond the simple rule that it must be a sonnet about Sargeras, the Dark Titan. Be creative.
How picky are you going to be about the definition of "sonnet?"
I'm not going to disqualify you for having an extra syllable somewhere, or for not using a proper volta. Experimentation with the traditional idea of a sonnet is permitted within reason, but the further you stray from the usual definition of sonnet, the less likely it is I'm going to allow it. Basically, don't write a limerick, is what I'm asking for here.
How are you going to judge the entries?
I'm just going to pick the ones I like best. I don't have a particular set of criteria I plan on using.
Isn't that inherently arbitrary and biased?
Yes.
Any advice on writing a winning sonnet?
Be different. The first idea you have is likely the first idea everyone else will have, too, so think outside the box. That said, don't come up with something so bizarre that it's just stupid.
I'm also a sucker for technical excellence. Meaning, if you get your rhyme and meter dead solid perfect, I'm somewhat more inclined to overlook other flaws.
Are you going to post the winning sonnets on the blog?
Yes. If you're not comfortable with your sonnet being displayed on the blog, you probably shouldn't enter.
I have another question that you didn't answer!
Well, just ask!
That June 15 deadline will come sooner than you think, so get started now. Best of luck! >>}8^O

## Saturday, May 30, 2009

### Dark spider pride!

Yet another courageous reader has responded to my summons, and willingly sent me a picture of herself wearing my absurdly overpriced gear. Say hello to Kate:
Note how the blackness of the shirt marks her clearly as an agent of Shadow, even in the midst of that idyllic sun-lit garden. Just think, dear reader, for far too much money, that could be you. And if you have any photos of yourself sporting CWS gear (clothing or otherwise), just send me an e-mail and I'll be happy to post it too. You can give your name or remain anonymous as you choose.
You'll be seeing more of Kate this week, as I have agreed to guest-post on her blog this Friday. (z0mg pay2play c0npsiracy??!?!11!!!)

## Friday, May 29, 2009

### Here we go

...and, my guest post on Northrend Lights is up! Go check it out, because it is "tight," and also "sweet." Thanks again to Sass for inviting me to post on her blog!
And remember, if you'd like me to guest post on your blog, just send me an e-mail and ask. I'll probably say yes, even if your blog is a small one. And if it's a popular one, I'll say yes please. ;-)
Be sure to tune in Monday. I've got a nice little surprise planned. Have a great weekend!

### Post is coming...

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you! I've got a guest post over at Northrend Lights that I'll link to as soon as it's up.
In the meantime, read this because it is funny.

## Thursday, May 28, 2009

### Haiku #33

Do you want to fight?
PVP, not IRL.
I'm not a monster.

## Wednesday, May 27, 2009

### Another brave soul

I asked for pictures of my readers wearing my exploitative capitalistic merchandise, and at first, only one person responded. Now a second intrepid fan has stepped forward to claim his place in the spotlight!
This young man prefers to remain anonymous, but he has informed me that his character is named Tharavol (Alliance on Korgath). Much more importantly, note that he has in his hands an artifact of unspeakable power and deliciousness: the BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE MEATLOAF!!!1
The combination of Spider Pride and BLSSUM in a single room - too much power for one man?!
If you, like these fine people, feel that you are perhaps too sexy for your hard drive, send in your picture and I'll post it on the blog! I'll be happy to give your name, or leave you anonymous, as you prefer.
LOBSMAARP: 65%

### Because I care.

Here's the thing, folks. I'm not sure you appreciate me.
I bet a lot of y'all think I'm just a big angry fallen titan who goes around bashing everything in sight with no thought for tomorrow. And while that description may be completely and 100% true, it fails to capture the time, the energy, the care that goes into each and every planetary bombardment.
Let me prove it to you.
Consider the island of Rockall. Actually, calling it an island is rather generous; what it is, is a 20-meter-tall rock sticking out of the water at 57°35'48" N 13°41'19" W. Seagulls perch there; mollusks cogitate there; not a lot else goes on. Britain claims it, rather halfheartedly. It looks like this.
Charming, no?
Rockall is made largely of granite; it is all that remains of the solidified core of a long-dormant volcano. It has no permanent human inhabitants, owing to its complete worthlessness. The record for the longest human habitation there was 42 days back in 1997, and other visits are planned.
Its location was first charted in 1831 by the British Royal Navy. However, it had been explored by the crew of the good ship HMS Endymion as early as 1810 because, as their lieutenant's journal records, "we had nothing better on our hands." Rockall was responsible for the deaths of 635 people in 1904.
It is 55 million years old; it is the subject of an Act of Parliament; it has its own newspaper; it has a feature called "Hall's Ledge" four meters from the summit; its favorite color is blue; its favorite movie is Rocky; it's been hurt before but it's still willing to take a chance for love.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because I want you to know that I take my destructive responsibilities very seriously. In all of Britain's many wars, not a single one of their enemies has cared enough about this little pebble to fire so much as a potshot at it.
But I know all about it, and when its time comes, I'll blow it to bits along with the rest of your planet. Not because it's big or important or sexy, but because it's there.
Because I care.
"Ask Sargeras" will air next week. I've only gotten two e-mails for this edition so far, so if you really think that feature is A-OK (as three-fourths of you claimed in my Fiery Poll of Doom) then send those e-mails in!

## Tuesday, May 26, 2009

### Haiku #32

Villains ramble on.
I will be concise and use
haiku monologues.

## Monday, May 25, 2009

### I think Memorial Day is a good time to post this.

I know this isn't my usual style. Stick with me here; it'll be worth the read. And yes, it's about World of Warcraft, even if it doesn't sound like it at first.
I was reading a news story a while ago about a high school age girl whose twin sister had died from a serious illness. The thing is, the illness was genetic, which means that the girl knows she will almost certainly die as well in the next year or two. And because the illness is so incredibly rare, doctors have no idea how to help her.
It was a heartbreaking story, but that's not why I'm sharing it.
I'm sharing it because it got me thinking about mortality - something that, as you can imagine, I've pondered quite a bit in my years.
You see, this girl isn't curled up on her bedroom floor crying all day. She's going to prom. She's hanging out with her friends. She's committed to making the most of her life, even though there isn't a lot left.
I think most of the people reading this (not all, but most) have things pretty good by comparison. You or your family can afford Internet access and a WoW subscription. You're playing video games. You're reading blogs. You're doing all right. And maybe you don't think much about how you use your time, because there's just so much of it.
But it matters.
Death twitches my ear. "Live," he says, "I am coming." Virgil wrote those lines over two thousand years ago, and he's spent most of the intervening time being pretty dead himself. You see, he knew how the game of life works; he knew that there's no rulebook, just an hourglass. That's why he spent his life writing some of the most extraordinary poetry the world has ever seen. That's why we're still talking about him now, in fact, two thousand years after his expiration date.
I know, I know, you've heard this before. It's the usual bullshit, right? Inspiring figure does something courageous, plea to make the most out of life, cue the sappy music and pass the collection plate.
It's a stereotype. It's a cliche. It's stupid.
It's the most important thing in the universe.
I'm not saying you shouldn't screw around, shouldn't have fun, shouldn't laugh. Of course you should. That's why I write this blog; that's why I play video games.
What I'm saying, and what I want desperately for you to understand, is that it's possible to pass through life just sort of...twiddling your thumbs, without doing much of anything. To play games, not because you enjoy them, but because you have nothing else worth doing. To surf the Web, not because you're getting something out of it, but just to pass the time. To let the minutes slip through your fingers until they accumulate into hours, and weeks, and years, until finally you have no more minutes left and you look back and find you haven't done much of anything at all.
In the immortal words of xkcd: FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
I know how easy it is to waste time that way, because I've done it too. I still do it sometimes, more often than I'd like. But your time on this planet is a limited resource, and it is too precious to squander. Most of you reading this are lucky - you still have a lot of time left. But it's finite.
How is this related to World of Warcraft? You can probably guess. Because, as we all know, there are two ways to play.
The first way is to do what you love in the game. Play the character you enjoy, run the content that's fun for you. This doesn't necessarily mean casual play. If you genuinely love high-end raiding or hardcore PVP, if being in the best guild in the world is really what gets you up in the morning, then go with it. Do whatever makes you happy.
But there's another way to play. Going through the motions. Grinding for endless hours to get the next item because you're "supposed" to. Beating bosses you've already beaten a hundred times for yet another chance at that item drop that will allow you to go to the next boss and do it all over again - lather, rinse, repeat. Spending two months saving up the gold for something that makes you say "huh, that's cool" for two minutes.
If you play a game because you love it - because it helps you relax after a stressful day - because it lets you connect with people who are not just guildmates but truly your friends - that's great. I'm all for it.
But if you're bartering away hours and days and weeks of your life in exchange for a better arrangement of pixels on your monitor?
Stop.
Please.
Stop.
All right. I'm done. I'm getting off my soapbox. Next time I post, it'll be back to the funny stuff. I promise.
All I ask is that every once in a while, you check your /play time, and ask yourself: "Am I getting a good return on this investment?"
If the answer is yes, then keep at it.
But if the answer is no, do something else.
Carpe fucking diem.

## Friday, May 22, 2009

### DO IT TO IT

...where the first "it" means "click" and the second "it" means "the awesome guest post I wrote for the homepage of the Spirit Reavers guild on Anvilmar US." Thanks for the invitation, Richard! And remember, if you'd like Sargeras to do a guest post on your website, just send me an e-mail. I'll probably say yes!
Oh, and secondly, I figured out how to get that navbar thing back at the top of my blog, which means you can click Follow if you're so inclined. W00t!
Have a great weekend, everybody! I'll be back with a new post on Memorial Day.

## Thursday, May 21, 2009

### Haiku #31

Bits of crust, mantle
and cold magma - who remains
to say gesundheit?

## Wednesday, May 20, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which I reveal my personal soundtrack.

I'll start by drawing your attention to the poll in the upper right. Your feedback is appreciated!
Okay, moving on...
How does Blizz contact you to inform you of plot occurences or alterations they feel you should be aware of?
Do they send mail, or just whisper you?
Are there even Mailboxes in the void?
How do mail gnomes deliver mail to your hypothetical mailbox in the void?
~ Dazer (Nordrassil)
Michael Morhaime, the president of Blizzard, dons the Cloak of Rabelais at 3 AM, draws a pentagram on the eastern wall of his bedroom, and chants his message to me six times. Then he sprinkles hog's blood on his shoulders, dances about chortling like a jackal, and finally rends his garments and sprints nude across the vast meadows of his mansion, screaming "Alea iacta est!" to anyone who will listen. They find him three days later, working as a stable hand named Jose in a nearby ranch, and the process begins anew.
No, really.
Sometimes he e-mails me.
Dear Sargeras.
I have seen several people offering to be your left hand. I want to throw my name out there.
I, Sunetra the disgruntled Blood Knight can be your left hand, even if that includes Bum Scratching. I mean, bum scratching seems a small price to pay for getting to kill things right?
Salary Requirements: 1 Naaru to yank the light out like the good old days. I was so bummed when Kael'thas stole the last one, and then Lady Liadrin went all Hippie on me and wants us to use the light willingly. Tell me, Do you have tabs on where Kael'thas is? I mean, could you bring him back from the dead for me? I'm not done kicking his teeth down his throat.
Mission statement: Well, Currently it's: I want to smash things, Kill Yogg-Saron, Dance on his corpse in my twilight cultists outfit with my Skullflame shield and Quel blade screaming about how I will be the end of Azeroth.
Once I have done this, I will farm said boss until the next raid, where I will smash the raid, Dance on the corpse of the last boss in my twilight cultists outfit with my Skullflame shield and Quel blade screaming about how I will be the end of azeroth. I will continue to do this until I. Sunetra. The Blood Knight. Have sundered Azeroth and sit atop Hyjal and smell the decimation as it clings to my nostrils. Once I have re-created azeroth in my own vision, I will hop on a ship, fly to outer space, meet up with dr. weir, have my eyes removed and scream "DO YOU SEE!?" At Lawrence Fishburn until he blows me to hell.
It could easily be changed to: I want to smash worlds, kill beings, dance on their corpses in my Twilight Cultists outfit (it's quite roomy) with my Skullflame Shield and Quel Blade (think you could make it all... 'flamey' for me?) screaming about how the Burning Legion will be the end of everything. I will destroy worlds and dance like this until I. Sunetra. The Blood Knight. have sundered the Universe in the name of Sargeras and sit atop a piece of debris and smell the decimation as it clings to my nostrils. Once Sargeras has re-created the universe in his own vision, I will hop on a ship, fly to outer space, meet up with Dr. Weir have my eyes removed and scream "DO YOU SEE!" at Lawrence Fishburn until he blows us both back home.
Qualifications: I get the job done. You tell me to go kill something? I'm going to come back successful. The only thing to elude me was Killie, and that's because i didn't have enough time to get to him before I needed to move on and kill some scourge. (I'm a paladin. They said scourge, and I said I'm SOOOO fracking there).
Thanks for your consideration,
One angry Blood Knight.
No.
Greetings. First off I concur with you abandoning the titans and going off on a rampage on your own. They can be lousy employers, for sure. But also,
wat r ur keybinds n macrows dude? i mean i cna use my own but u do liek craizy damage an its hawd dpsing sometimse so i thout i shud ask!
My thoughts go out to you, hopefully Azeroth shall crumble in due time.
Sincerely, bored dude. :)
Thanks for the question! However, I must sadly repeat what I have said before - neither I nor my webservant actually play WoW, so I must confess I am quite ignorant in these matters. I'll get back to you when I know more of macros than a novice in a nunnery.
Dear High Lord of Terrorness,
you are so cool (well, not literally) we named our server after you. It runs under linux and we decided to use it as a file server for our cat content (photos etc).
In the last few days I wondered which superuser you'd prefer? And is "kill all humans" a good password, or is that too short-sighted?
greetings
a mortal
Can't say I know much about Linux, as I run Windows Vista at home (spare me the comments - I am evil, you know). As far as logins, though, I've always been partial to "Sargerat0r" as a user name, or perhaps "MakingLightOfDark" if you don't mind a little extra typing. If all else fails, a simple "SARGERAS" works nicely.
For a password, yes, I must say that "kill all humans" is a bit myopic. Why leave out the dragons, or those delicious elves? Besides, a password should be something hard to guess. Why not "LaughingBunny" or "LavenderHyacinth"? Or, for added security, you could use something I haven't posted on the web for thousands of people to read. ;-)
Oh great and mighty lord of darkness and destruction,
I was listening to a song (Titan, by Brave Saint Saturn) and it occurred to me to wonder whether you have any song(s) that you like to crank up whilst going about the business of decimating worlds and destroying solar systems. What are they? And what sort of music-playing devices are there to be had in the Twisting Nether?
Hoping you don’t destroy me before I find out the answer!
Alastriona
Azuremyst-US
Excellent question. My top ten world-destroying songs appear below.
1. We Will Rock You (Queen)
2. Summer Overture (Requiem For a Dream soundtrack)
3. Breaking the Habit (Linkin Park)
4. Liberi Fatali (Nobuo Uematsu)
5. Hymn to Red October (Basil Poledouris)
6. I'm Henry the Eighth I Am (Herman's Hermits)
7. Neodammerung (Matrix Revolutions soundtrack)
8. Rockstar (Nickelback)
9. Second Movement, Symphony No. 7 (Ludwig van Beethoven)
10. What a Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong)
As to how I play them, I, uh, put them on my iPod. ;-)
Have a question for Sargeras? Send it in! I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
LOBSMAARP: 97%

## Tuesday, May 19, 2009

### Haiku #30

The fall of nations
is like the tide, and someday
even ends will cease.

## Monday, May 18, 2009

### Sargeras's Guide to Romance

When I told my web dude I wanted to do this article, he said, "But you don't know anything about romance!" Well, I've got news for you, web dude. I do know about romance, because I looked it up on Wikipedia. So here we go.
The first step with any potential romantic partner is to determine their gender. This has become more difficult in recent years as so many women are wearing pants, and men sometimes grow their hair long. Nevertheless I do not recommend asking what gender someone is, nor do I suggest the so-called "Direct Identification" method. Instead, be subtle. Ask questions like, "If you were heterosexual, what gender would attract you?" and "Do you think it's biologically possible that you will ever have a baby?" If all else fails, just inquire whether they've ever heard of the color "mauve."
Note that on rare occasions, WoW players play a character of the opposite gender as themselves. Do not be shocked by this. Note also that if you meet someone in a chatroom, the gender identification process is simplified considerably: they are male.
Once you've verified that the object of your affections is the appropriate gender, you are on to the second step: laying on the charm.
Impress your future conquest with displays of awesomeness. Breaking tree trunks with your hands, setting fire to your retinas, and replacing your shins with titanium rods all work well. As a general rule, someone's attraction to you at a given moment is an upward-sloping linear function of your decibel level. If you are too wimpy for these displays, rent a bulldozer for the evening. If you are too poor for that, consider a rewarding life as a monk.
Now that you've got your sweetie interested, ask him/her out on a date. If that sounds nerve-wracking, you can warm up ahead of time by breaking tree trunks with your hands (truly a multifaceted skill). Once you're ready, just be cool about it. It's best to be simple and straightforward, e.g. "I desire for you to engage in social entanglements with me." At this point, wide-eyed gaping indicates awe and is a sure sign of interest on their part.
During the date, do not under any circumstances "be yourself." If the real you was what others actually wanted, people would be throwing themselves at your feet every time you stepped outside. Instead, try to figure out what your partner's perfect mate would be like, and act as much like that as possible. In most cases this will require plastic surgery. Don't worry about the cost; even if this date falls through, most people's desires are about the same. It's an investment!
At the end of the evening, it's time for the kiss. Many people wonder what makes a successful kiss. The answer is, the lips should touch, and a small amount of pressure should be applied. Now you know!
Really, I don't see what's so hard about all this.

## Friday, May 15, 2009

### See what a great guy I am?

Two things!
First, I have a guest post over at the Unholy Hands blog wherein I reveal the secret to my own defeat. Go check it out!
(As a reminder, if you'd like me to guest post on your blog, just send me an e-mail! I will probably say yes. Unless of course your blog is a gold-selling blog. And yes, I have actually gotten such a request.)
Second, due to popular demand, all shirts are now available in light and dark colors! Get your black Spider Pride shirts now! You can even get a Defeat Everyone babydoll...
Spider Pride
Wyrms Before Worms
Defeat Everyone
See all the nice things I do? And still they say I'm the evil one...
LOBSMAARP: 65% (read the guest post to see why)

## Thursday, May 14, 2009

### Haiku #29

"Dark Titan" they call
me. I make conflagrations
of forests; who's dark?

## Wednesday, May 13, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which a live antelope is used in an unusual way.

Dear being of inconceivable horror that puny words could not begin to describe,
As you may well know your demonlord Kil'jaeden screwed the pooch (so to speak) on his attempt to take Azeroth. I decided to look up how this encounter went and how the weak, nothing warriors managed to send him back to your realm. Something caught my eye that you should know about. The warriors said Kil'jaeden was quoted as saying:
"The expendible have perished... So be it! Now I shall succeed where Sargeras could not! I will bleed this wretched world and secure my place as the true master of the Burning Legion. The end has come! Let the unraveling of this world commence!" (Source: WoWwiki, Kil'jaeden (tactics))
I assume that your evilness will not allow this to go unpunished. That said, onto my question. Since it seems you are now out both a right and left hand demon (Poor, poor stupid Archimonde), I thought I might apply for the position. I've brushed on my evil and soul reaping, I'm master at killing, and I come up with some pretty good plans about destruction and killing. Like 'Party Hat Tuesday', we would all wear goofy hats while plundering and destroying planets and it's unworthy inhabitants. Food for thought.
-Your future world ending assistant
Yeah, Killy and I had a little chat about that incident afterward (I read WoWWiki too, so this particular comment was especially dumb on his part.) His punishment was...not pleasant. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say it involved a stick of butter, two pounds of sand, a live antelope, and a whole lot of string.
However, there's still an opening for my left hand, so you're free to apply for that if you wish. Killy will be delighted, actually. Up till now I've had to use my right hand for everything, but you know, really I prefer my left hand for bum-scratching.
Sarge -
I was perusing through some old questions pathetic mortals had asked you, and a few questions occurred to me.
1. Is the planetary-destruction field competitive? I was recieving mixed signals, since you helped out an up-and-coming destroyer but ate a planet-eating-planet.
2. Are you hiring? Many people have asked for jobs, but I was unsure as to how to send in my resume. In case this works, here goes:
Terralock, Formerly of the Lich King's Army.
Many years experience in destruction, and a great group member. Works well with people until he destroys them. - Arthas
Great team player - Darion Morgraine
Hero of the alliance - King Chin
I have also inflicted only minimalistic damage on your legion, but wanton destruction seems to be a plus.
So, the dental sucks, but is there a medical included?
Terralock, Muradin.
-Tom
RE: Question 1, it's not competitive except in the most basic sense, namely, that no matter how much stuff you destroy I'm still contractually obligated to obliterate you - nothing personal. Otherwise, you know how people are - they'd be claiming to be destroyers just to get an annihilation exemption. There's no decency left in the world(s)!
RE: Question 2, there does seem to be some competition for the Left Hand title (see above), but don't let that deter you. How are you at bum-scratching? We can arrange a little competition if need be. As for medical, of course it's included. I mean, come on. Would I lie?
Hey man. I havent written in a while, and I just want you to know that I actually took your advice and got the treatment for my... Problem...
"Seek help."
Well, I did. And now I see the error of my ways. Now I'm a top executive of a major American bank( Initials: A.I.G.), and I need to ask you something: Do you want some bailout money? I guilted the government into giving me millions of dollars that I didnt need and now I've got an even bigger Golden Parachute! Well, since I have all of this extra money that I dont need (i want it, but dont need it.), and I think you should get it. Please, tell me if you need it.
Sincerely,
Sir Albert O. Zare (Alozare :D)
P.S. You missed my birthday party. I spent it alone. In rehab. Thanks. Know what? Now you don't get any bailout.
P.P.S. Ok, you can have some.
P.P.S.S. Ai reelapzed.
P.P.P.S. Brink moar droogs
P.P.P.S.S. (PIHIOWFGE*FWQE@Yh3ogh497q3t49y0)_&@)!
P.Q.S. Kthxbai.
P.Q.Q.S.R.E.W.W.o.W. Plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plod
NOT sent from my iPod
You know, this actually explains a lot...
Esteemed dark lord,
Please smite me if this has already been asked, but I am very curious about something: how long does it usually take you to annihilate a world?
I ask because on some occasions you seem to destroy planets with incredible speed, obliterating them with a mere wave of your hand or a misplaced sneeze.
But then we have Azeroth. I mean no offense by these words, but hasn't it stood against you for better than 20,000 years? Is that... normal?
I've tried to think of why Azeroth might be harder to smite than your average planet, but my imagination fails me. All Azeroth seems to have fighting you and your vast legions is humans and some elves. As for humans, I am one, and can tell you that *opposing* evil is not one of our strong points.
As for the elves, well, sometimes it seems to us like they're actively abetting you in your attempts to destroy the world. Hopefully, that is.
So what's with the delay? We're getting antsy down here.
Your faithful, delirious servant,
-March
Excellent question. And actually, asking how long it takes to destroy a world is like asking how much Oprah weighs...it all depends on the situation. The key element is how important the planet is to the plotline. If it's completely unimportant (or, better still, non-canon) then any ol' nasal expulsion will do. But if you take a case like Azeroth, well, shoot, there you've got more story entanglements than you can shake a red herring at.
This is nothing to be particularly surprised about...happens all the time. It's called the Red-Shirt Principle. Kirk, who believe-you-me has no special skills to speak of, survives every mission while the people who are actually trained in security get crunched. How long do you think ol' JT would last if he weren't The Protagonist?
And they say villains don't fight fair. Hah!
Got a question? Sargeras knows the answer! Send it in and enjoy a warm fuzzy feeling all day long.
LOBSMAARP: 37%

## Tuesday, May 12, 2009

### Haiku #28

Wielder of powers
past description, still I fail
at origami.
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