Showing posts with label ask sargeras. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ask sargeras. Show all posts

## Wednesday, April 15, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which the nature of ethics is revealed.

Didn't receive too much e-mail this time around. You realize, don't you, that if you fail to send me questions to answer, I will be forced to think up actual content? That's right, nobody wants that. So keep those questions coming!
Your Mightiness,
During your time hanging around in Aegwynn's body, how much were you able to see and hear? Was it like watching the best action movie ever, or was it just thousands of years being bored?
Sincerely,
Daeliria, Doomhammer-US
Okay, so I entered Azeroth looking for a host body to corrupt. Simple enough, right? And there's this tiny human all calling me out, so I let her win so I can get my spirit in her.
(And wow, did I really have to let her win, by the way. She spent the first five minutes of the "battle" - and I use the term loosely - quivering like a sack of Jell-O. It was getting to where I thought I'd have to kill her just to save face.)
Anyway - so now I've got her under a simple and standard demonic possession, I can see and hear everything she does. I just wait till she has a child and the corruption can begin, right?
Seven hundred seventy-eight years go by, and this woman does. Not. Get. Laid.
And I know what you're thinking, but she wasn't a lesbian, either. That at least would've been entertaining. No, this mighty warrior, this invincible guardian, spends eight hours a day playing sudoku. I know it's fun and all, but look, lady, it's an algorithm. You're applying an algorithm. Let's not pretend it's a puzzle, and let's not do it non-stop for three-quarters of a millennium.
When she finally got it on with Nielas (and that was a short trip to Missionary City, let me tell you) I corrupted her son instantly. Nine months later was the happiest day of my life.
Dear Destroyer of Worlds,
Ever since I was a child elders of my old village used to tell stories about your heroic deeds, corruption and downfall. They said you were evil because you have no mercy and kill ruthlessly... However, I was wondering, what does term 'evil' actually means when it comes to absolute meaning. One can kill while defending something, steal to do something honorable so one can't just describe term 'evil' so easily. Do you consider yourself to be evil? And according to your vast knowledge, what actually makes fine line between good and evil?
Sincerely,
Member of Kirin Tor Council
Excellent question. Allow me to explain.
Ethics are very, very important. They define our choices, our outlook on the universe. Murdering is wrong, therefore I do not murder; stealing is wrong, therefore I do not steal. These rules form the bedrock on which I base all my behavior.
However.
Ethics do not apply to anyone small enough for me to crush between my fingers.
I'm not unethical. You're just squishy.
Dear Sargeras,
Do you have lots of great things I can buy?
-A fan
Why yes I do!
Okay fine that last one wasn't a real question. :-P

## Tuesday, April 7, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which beards are discussed, albeit briefly.

Today's mailbag asks some tough questions, like: How good of a servant is Kil'jaeden, really? WTF is up with zebras? What can aspiring world-smashers do to advance their careers? And of course that old standby, How many grammatical errors can we fit into a single e-mail?
We'll get to all of them. Read on.
My Lord-
I have been flourishing on the planet Azeroth for years, now. It's fantastic, except for one tiny little detail.
It seems that every time I slaughter a village, I'll return to it in a few days to find that it is thriving once again, all the people I had just maimed walking about as if nothing had happened. It's..a little discouraging.
I ask you, my Master, please tell me how you will combat this once your Lordship returns to Azeroth to wreak Your terrible vengeance, so I may do the same.
Yours for eternity,
-Xnthb Lkrantix, Felguard
PS: My felhounds are becoming incessantly disobedient. How may I reign them back in? Those pesky mages' fireballs hurt like the dickens.
First of all, let me say thank you, Xnthb, for serving in the Burning Legion. Without the hard work you and your fellow Felguards put in day after day, our Crusade would be mere vaporware.
Yes, the regeneration of villagers can indeed be discouraging, but take heart; your efforts are not in vain. Here's a little-known fact: one in every three billion villagers has a prize inside, and someday, that decoder ring will be yours!
Regarding disobedient felhounds - are you a demon or are you a demon? If a minion disobeys you, slaughter it like the dog it is and get a new one. It's what Sargeras would do.
Greetings, Sargeras, it's me.
I was wondering what kind of books you enjoy, if you are able to read any without burning the pages in an agony of hellfire, of course.
And being a paradoxical being of both metal AND fire, how often do you shower?
~Soeroah
The question about books is already answered in several other places. As to showers, once an aeon, whether I need it or not! Though of course they are all...meteor showers. (*chortle* Oh, does my hilarity know no bounds?)
Dear all powerful lord of the burning Legion, Sargeras,
Things just haven't been the same since Kil'jaeden took over and started bossing us around. He's a pretty evil guy, admittedly, but he just isn't efficient. He doesn't have the skill to effectively manage an organization of this size. have you seen what he's done at his throne? He's wasting perfectly good demons that could be used a meat shields to power some Blood Elves and make them wana-be demons. All it takes is a little demon blood and a crystal and- poof! those little posers are weak little wretched crawling on the ground, begging for mana.
Whatever happened to just rolling over armies with an impossible swarm of demons? Kil'jaeden just keeps making these crack-pot ideas that are wasting our time and resources.
Missing the good old days,
Kazuul the Dreadlord,
Steamwheedle U.S.
The sad truth is that even ancient, respectable demonic legions like ours have fallen on hard times due to the economic downturn. Our "impossible swarms" have gotten all too possible of late, and sometimes infernal soldiers who have served for twenty or even thirty millennia end up with pink slips. (Well, they're more like fiery, blazing, red-and-black slips, but you know what I mean.) Just be glad you still have a job.
As for the demons we're sacrificing, no worries - we only kill the ones that go afk during raids.
Hei buddee
Hao yew doin, big Gai? Da odder dai, I waz eetin a nome and I wunnrd, haz joo taystud wun? Dey so dulishus. Eef joo gimme a job, I ken bring joo sum, man. Allada guizes wud luv em wit sum kechap!
--Al O'Zare (alozare :D)
P.S. Joo steel invitd to my burfdee partee. Joo haz 3 weks to reppli!
P.p.S. Bring sodaz
P.p.P.S. Bring drugz. We ned moar.
P.p.p.s.S. Plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plod
Sent from my iPod
Seek help.
Dear Lord of the unseen cruelty,
I always asked myself whether you really like destroying all existent life or not.
I mean. Seriously. You come, kill, go on killing and then leave. Sounds kind of boring to me. Don't get me wrong! Maybe I just don't understand the pleasure you get from crushing existences like flies.
Oh yeah, there is another question thats bugging me for years now:
Is a zebra white with black stripes or is it black with white stripes?
Forgive my impudence, but you as an omnipotent being should know the answer
for sure.
One of the countless lifes you will take some day.
Of course, any job has its occasional sour notes, but what really gets me up in the morning isn't so much the burning, the destruction, or the worshipful adoration of my myriad servants. No, the real motivator for me is power - raw, unbridled, ridiculous power.
It's like having your own personal Death Star that's inside you. Sure, the seventh moon of Planet Peacelovinghappyworld doesn't need to be destroyed, but come on - what else are you going to do with it? And I've got to say, it just never, ever, ever gets old. I mean that from the bottom of my charbroiled heart.
As for zebras, does it really matter? The point is, they're racially segregated, and that should be bad enough for anyone.
As I was reading your blog, wondering if You would obliterate me through my monitor, I came across the relatively recent Voldemort post and why he's a really, REALLY shitty villain. I was thus inspired to ask: who are your favorite villains (besides yourself, of course), and can you think of any that are worse than Voldemort?
Also, in your picture, you have an amazing beard. Being a dwarf, I must know what you groom it with, and how long it took for it to grow.
Sincerely,
Rawlings
SWC-US
This is such a great question that it deserves its own post, which I will have to write someday, but I'll answer you briefly now.
Truly high-quality villainy is rare these days, because so many villains have forgotten what it's all about. It isn't the consonant-filled names, or the black cloaks, or the dark towers, or the superweapons that define a villain. They help, of course, but they should never distract from the true focus: being evil.
Voldemort is the perfect example; he was so busy performing horrific rituals and painting his toenails black that he never made time to actually get his bad on, which is why he was defeated by a gaggle of schoolchildren. Sad, really. And unfortunately he is far from the worst. Did you catch Megatron in that live-action Transformers movie? Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
If you want to see how to do it right, take a look at Scar from The Lion King. He didn't have any Omnipotent Crystals of Power, wasn't trying to rule the universe or show off his tattoos. But remember that scene right after Mufasa dies where he looks at Simba and says, "No one ever...means for these things to happen"? If you can watch that scene and still have any doubt that Scar is an epic-level villain, I submit that you are Doing It Wrong.
As to your second question, my beard has continued to grow slowly but steadily each day since I last had it shaved, eight hundred thousand years ago. I comb it with the souls of the unworthy.
when you aretn like, killing people and burning stuff, what do you do in your free time?
i like to imagine that you enjoy insulting inferior races and flamboyantly disregarding the feelings of others.
would i be correct to assume that?
Perish the thought! I may be an unstoppable freight train of death and destruction, but that does not make me insensitive! The mere fact that I will inevitably separate your carbon atoms into nonadjacent parsecs hardly means we should give up on thoughtful dialogue.
In my free time? Well, I blog occasionally.
Dear Dark Titan
I have a question for you. Once you destroy all other life than you, will you commit suicide? Because you stated, and I quote "No but seriously though, everyone gets wiped out, no exceptions."
If you don't then you mean that you got no life. In earths matter you are a gamer. So gamers are you and you are they so you cannot destroy them.
If on the other hand you do decide to kill youself I can think of 1 word that starts with an E.
Sincerely, Gamer Union Protection Agency (G.U.P.A.)
ps: it can be very lonely after you destroy everything, have considered chaneling your rage in more constructive ways? Say making new worlds (so that you can destroy later and remake, and destroy again). If possible after each remake keep the memmories of the habitats, this should increase agony.
I can think of a lot of words that start with E, but not very many of them are related to suicide. But as to your question - will I kill myself at the very end? Not sure yet. I guess I'll decide after I've finished wiping out everyone who takes sentences too literally.
Dear Sargeras,
I am a fellow galactic force of destruction from another universe, however I am still in training. I've been doing good with stone age worlds and up to copper age, but ever since my supervisor started giving me contracts for worlds with magic or medieval and upwards civilisation I've been having trouble to keep my quota. I either get held up on the resident resistance, or my minions betray me. Can you, as a man with aeons of experience in the field, give an up and coming colleague some pointers?
Sincerely
Seeking for Advice
Ah yes, the so-called "Medieval Barrier" is a difficult hurdle in the career of any young up-and-coming destroyer. The trick is to wreak as much havoc as possible from orbit before descending into the atmosphere. Also, if possible, try to take the form of a local deity - that should keep them guessing for a while.
As for minion betrayal - kill 'em, every time, no exceptions. Letting them live just sets a bad example for the rest. A lot of would-be overlords worry they can no longer sustain this practice when their minion levels drop too low, but trust me - it's better than the alternative.
Best of luck!
Dear 'The Dark Titan,'
First things first, you are a great overlord. I so look forward to the day when you finally just stop by and totally obliterate Earth, but I've got to ask: will we subjected to eternal torture after death, or do you have mercy once you've beat the living crap out of us and had your laughs, and let us live in the Nether and play tennis with comets and stuff?
And another question, if you'd grace me with an answer, my liege: do you get dental with the whole supreme evil of the universe thing? Because I've been considering looking into being a demon-minion. Oh, speaking of demon-minions, are you hiring? Do they die too, when you destroy enough worlds?
Thanks, and my eternal gratitude and servitude.
- Celeania of US-Moon Guard
Eternal torture? Hell no. I just blow stuff up, man, I'm not, like, a sicko or something.
I do get dental, but it sucks - the cleaning assistants are all Felguards. (No offense, Xnthb.)
Impossibly Powerful Dark Titan -
Did you have any schooling in the ways of destruction? Or was it an instinctual thing? On that note, did you have any schooling? Did you go to school? Were you a good student?
- A pathetic Human
Why of course - surely you don't think I got to where I am today by being a dropout? No, indeed, I have a Bachelor's in Applied Macrodisintegration (with a minor in pottery), a Master's in Infernal Management, and a PhD in Ecological Pyroengineering. Yes, that's Doctor Sargeras to you!
I am Mr.Patrick Chan director of operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd.I
have urgent and very confidential business proposition involving
transferof $30,000,000.00.for more information contact me on my private
emial address
Mr. Chan, would you believe that by some mistake this delightful business proposition landed in my spam folder? Please send me my $30 million immediately to the following address:
ATTN: Department of Shutting the Hell Up
1337 GoFuckYourself Ave
GTFO City, Twisting Nether, Great Dark
Thanks Mr. Chan, and thanks everyone else for your great e-mails! Keep 'em coming!

## Thursday, April 2, 2009

### In my day we called it Facenomicon

A reader writes:
Overpowering dark titan,
I was cruising your blog, trembling with fear (as per usual), and I noticed you mentioned your facebook page. I tried to find it, but I couldn't. Perhaps a link would be beneficial to we lowly mortals?
Trembling in fear,
A pathetic human.
A Facebook page? Why certainly.
Have a great weekend everybody! You never know when it might be your last! :)

## Tuesday, March 31, 2009

### Ask Sargeras!

Wow...y'all sent in a lot of questions this time! Keep 'em coming. I may not be able to post every question I get, but I do read them all.
Oh and before I forget, if you haven't already, make sure you tell me if you want a T-shirt.
Dear Sargeras:
I am curious about your childhood. Are there stories you can share about your youth?
Sincerely,
Various Members of Kul Tiras
Heh. I was a fun kid. Me and Aggramar used to run around all over the place together. I'd steal Khaz'goroth's hammer while Aggramar distracted him, and we'd play monkey-in-the-middle till my big brother Aman'Thul made us quit. Then we'd sit next to stars and suck the polar ice caps off planets. Man, those were the days!
Aggramar isn't half as much fun as he used to be. If Aggramar had a blog now it'd be called "Weak Tea With Aggramar" and the first post would say "I'm boring" and every post after would say "See previous post." I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it.
Dear Sargeras,
I was just wondering... Did the scratch from Broxigar's suped-up axe scar? I assume that would not be very attractive on anyone's leg. If so, do any scar creams even work for a fallen titan such as yourself?
Thanks for your time, with love
- A zombie with knives
Ugh, don't get me started on Broxigar. There I am, sipping my cappuccino and reading XKCD, when all of a sudden this little dude busts out of nowhere, yellin' and carryin' on. Which was bad enough, but then he's all killing my demons and shit. Not cool! Most people would've squished him on the spot, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt - I figured he was lost, maybe trying to ask for directions, maybe only knew how to talk in some kind of horribly obscure axe-swinging language. Well, whatever. He cuts me a little, I cut him a lot, done and done. I guess they say he's some kind of legendary warrior now.
And yeah, there's a scar. The creams work fine, but good luck trying to talk your demon-lord general into applying six hundred thousand tubes of four ounces each.
Dear Sargeras.
I have been told by some that those who are loyal to you will not be destroyed. However, some others are of the opinion that you will simply leave us until last. I am quite happy with either! Please, enlighten me on the truth.
..Be honest.
Sincerely, a most loyal follower.
I'm glad you asked, because there's a lot of confusion on this point. The answer is that everybody gets burned up indiscriminately. Two reasons.
First, can you imagine keeping track of the follower/non-follower status of every being on every planet in the entire universe? And then, can you imagine getting to the planet to destroy it, and having to consult your list every time you wanted to squish a dude? Man, that's like bringing V8 to a keg party. We're all about chaos. Sounds like an awful lot of order to me.
But the second reason is this. If you were really as hardcore as you say, why would you want to be destroyed last?
O mighty dark Titan,
Though I quiver in fear and anticipate the day you end my measly existance, I find some solace in the fact that the being of my destruction is so well read. What literary figures do you draw inspiration from - so that I may read them before you demolish my species?
- One Of Countless Millions You'll Inevitably Kill.
Another excellent question. In today's low-attention-span, I-want-it-now culture, it's so important to set aside time for reading, isn't it? As you can see from my profile, I really enjoyed 1984 and Animal Farm - dystopias just get me going, as you can imagine. Wasn't as big a fan of Anthem or Fahrenheit 451, though. What kind of dystopia has a happy ending? Nihilism is where it's at, which is why I also loved Lord of the Flies. (Equally morbid but less depressing: The Death of Ivan Ilyich. Check it out!) Oh, and I'm all about The Silmarillion. Morgoth, my man, kickin' some ass in Beleriand! Take that, Fingolfin!
But my bookshelf isn't all doom and gloom. I've mentioned that I like the Harry Potter books. Watership Down is another classic, and I was a big fan of Lord Valentine's Castle. Mary Stewart's Merlin series is amazing as well.
Oh, and anything by Stephen King, obviously. I am the Dark Titan after all!
Dear Great Sargeras,
I know it is your foremost intention to rid the universe of life, but I must ask you something. If you ever find a planet called Earth, orbiting around the Milky Way galaxy, you will probably notice life abounds. However, there is a sub-species of humans called 'Gamers' who, apparently, have no life. My question is this; in your plan to destroy all life, will these individuals be spared, or do you count them as being alive as well?
Also, off on a tangent, one of your earlier posts mentioned you destroying solar systems. Technically they are star systems, as 'solar system' refers to the star system of the star Sol. Of course, it could just be your uber coffee making you jittery.
Hail the Dark Titan,
~Soeroah of Caelestrasz
PS: You're a being of the Universe. Azeroth- flat or spherical?
This is sneaky - working in three questions in one. What the hell, I'm feeling generous today.
RE: Gamers. I wouldn't say they have no lives. It's really more of a...Half-Life. Bwa ha ha! Oh, I am hilarious. No but seriously though, everyone gets wiped out, no exceptions.
RE: Solar systems. In addition to being hilarious, I am also right.
RE: Azeroth. It's round now, but it'll be flat by the time I get through with it. Although I guess technically, it'll still be round, it just won't be spherical anymore.
Dear Sargee,
Do you have a gf?
And also since Kil'jaeden is your right hand and Archimonde is left one, do you occasionally bang them together? Just for the hell of it?
Marzenia, Burning Legion EU
I dated Eonar back in the day, but we split up when I went dark. She gave me the "It's not you, it's me" routine. I was like...look. I use cities as finger paint. It's me. Last I heard she was shacked up with Aman'Thul (moar lik Aman'Dull amirite?). Pretty sure she still wants me though.
Anyway, I've been a bachelor ever since. None of the other titan girls were interested, and I'm sure you can see how any other species would be, er, problematic.
As for Archimonde, he's dead, and good riddance too. They didn't call him the Defiler for nothing. I mean, I burn planets and all, but Archie was just...weird.
*shudder*
Dear Sargeras, Dark Titan of the Burning Legion:
I'm a paladin, so this sort of thing isn't really my forte let's say, but I really need to know: what's there to do out there in the Twisting Nether? I've always assumed that there's nothing, but your latest posts have enlightened me to your knowledge of (that pussy) Voldemort and Robert Frost. If indeed there are movies and chips (possibly salsa), I may pay you a visit.
From,
Anconia
SWC-US
I tell ya, the Internet has really changed things in these parts. Used to be the only fun you could have was Constructing Order From Chaos and Rending Order Into Chaos. It was boring, sure, but we got stuff done. Now? I spend five hours every day just browsing Wikipedia and looking at lolcats. Why else do you think Azeroth is still in one piece?
As for visiting, I'd advise against it. The salsa of the Burning Legion is rather...hot.

## Saturday, March 28, 2009

### Ask Sargeras!

Let us see what the mailbag has to offer...
Dear Sargeras,
What's it like being the only Titan considered "bad"? Do you and the other Titans ever go to T.G.I. Fridays and pal around or are you guys not cool anymore with the whole "fallen titan" deal? I mean, surely you must have some friends other than two billion demons and a girl with black chapstick? And if not, what do you demons do for fun? Is it average stuff, like play hockey, checkers, watch movies or do you guys do crazy stuff like TP somebodies home planet or corrupt an entire species? (Speaking of which, nice job with _most_ of the Eredar! [Velen for the loss]) I am greatly interested in your personal life as the Fallen Titan, Sargeras the Destroyer.
Sincerly,
A Humble Dreadlord of National Azerothian
Your curiosity is natural, dreadlord. It is the tendency of all lesser beings to wonder about those vastly superior to themselves, not unlike the relationship between Earth's Trekkies and the demigod they call "Patrick Stewart." My own true nature is of course far beyond your reckoning, but I will explain these matters as best I can.
My relationship with the other titans can be...strained, at times. Reunions are the worst. I am invited, certainly, but can I fail to hear the disapproval in their voices when they refer to my "career" or - yet more disdainfully - my "hobby"? Ah, the subtle stigma of multiple genocide does not go unnoticed!
It does make me long for the days of my youth - alas! Traveling to a friend's galaxy to play beer pong with comets...making Dyson Spheres out of papier-mache...altering our consciousness by sniffing the gases of nebulas...these naive pleasures are forever barred to me.
Oh, there was indeed a time shortly after my "fall" (cruel metaphor!) when a former friend would still invite me over, along with the other teen titans, to watch episodes of Lost and take bets on whether the aliens were really time travelers, or the time travelers were really aliens. But the others' downcast eyes and barely-veiled jabs rankled me, and more than once I seized one of these mocking companions and hurled him into a sun with the force of ten thousand volcanoes. There are no more invitations today!
Regarding T.G.I. Friday's, there are none in the Twisting Nether, but we do have a Max & Erma's near the Andromeda Galaxy. The cheese of its cheeseburgers is made with the milk of the All-Cow, Audumbla. (We do not tell her where the burgers come from.)
Hello mister dark titan,
first: You are doing a great job, your Chatlogs are just hilarious.
Second: I got an idea for a little sidekick on your future chats. What if a WoW-player would manage it somehow to join the chat and flame Kel'thuz4d, because he just did not get his "Immortal", therefore not "Heroic: Glory of the Raider"-achievement and with that fact not the Black Protodrake, because after 3 hours not dying and concentrating in Naxxramas an offtank managed it to die when Kel'fuck7ard was at 3% hp...
I'd love to see this, with all the reactions, laugh and drama from the other legendary villians.
Yours sincerely,
Cyggs from EU-Rexxar.
P.s.: It happened to us.
Sadly, I have no idea what this means. I suspect it relates to a game you mortals play called "World of Warcraft," but I assure you my hands are quite full destroying real worlds without bothering about the virtual ones.
Readers - have a question for me? Ask Sargeras: cwSargeras@gmail.com!
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