Showing posts with label ask sargeras. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ask sargeras. Show all posts

## Wednesday, August 19, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which the origin of Boxing Day is revealed.

Dear Sargeras,
Does it burn when you pee?
--Wonderella
Thank you for this profoundly insightful question. I can honestly say it is questions like these that motivate me to do my job each and every day.
Yes (giggle) it burns when I pee.
Your Great and Enflamed Supremefulship,
I was letting my mind wander during a work related conference call and recalled that eventually entropy death will cause all life and order in the universe to cease. Have you considered this effect and its possible impact on your life's work? Or perhaps I should say the impact of your life's work on the time until entropy death?
It would seem to me as you go about destroying worlds through a series of varying and spectacular methods that you are actually adding energy into the universe (which energy must originate with you). By inserting additional energy into the universe, aren't you actually delaying the eventual entropy death of the universe? Wouldn't the most efficient method of universal destruction involve devising ways to destroy worlds in a way that results in the highest increase in net entropy instead of ways that result in the highest increase in your amusement?
Now my physics jargon may be a bit off, but I believe you get what I'm driving at.
Cheerfully ignorant of the time of my impending doom,
Psyche
of Doomhammer
You seem to be confusing two separate concepts: energy and entropy. Energy is constant; it can neither be created nor destroyed. Entropy, in contrast, is a measure of disorder, and is always increasing.
Therefore your claim that I am "adding energy into the universe" is quite mistaken. I am of course adding energy into certain systems (namely, the doomed planets) at the expense of energy elsewhere; this does not imply, however, that I am decreasing their disorder. Quite the opposite! I'm a big fan of the second law of thermodynamics, I just think it's going about its work a little too slowly.
Oh, if anybody was expecting a joke there, lucky you, you got a physics lecture instead!
I'm a big fan of your musings and toying with us mortals for your amusement...and your recipes.
However, there is something that has been nagging in the back of my mind recently after reading the sarcasim and horrible puns in the archives. Everytime I read those moments I hear your 'voice' as Nappa from TFS DragonballZ Abridged...just minus the raging stupidity. And I can't help but giggle. I'm curious how accurate this may or may not be. Just wondering.
Sincerely,
A mortal that most-likely just bumped his order in line to be smited up a few notches
Regrettably, the rigors of universal immolation leave little time for watching fan-created anime parodies, so I can't claim to be familiar with the voice in question. However I am of the firm opinion that subtracting "raging stupidity" from anyone's voice can only cause them to sound more like myself.
Rest assured, you will be able to judge for yourself when you hear the sound of my voice personally - sooner or later!
O ruler of many demons,
What kind of clothes do you wear? I'd assume they must be coated in some sort of flame-retardant to keep you from embarrassing your demons when compared to your awesome masculinity, but is there a certain brand? Will they be spared in the upcoming apocalypse in order to facilitate your clothing needs, or will you simply destroy things in your ultimate nakedness?
Or perhaps you arrange your flames in a proper formation to cover yourself? If so, does the heat ever become uncomfortable?
And also, how is it possible for you to enjoy the deliciousness that is Dibs ice cream bites? I imagine they'd melt before you got to eat them, but was there ever a time you've been able to try them? Dippin Dots are an equally delicious treat that you're missing out on I bet. Is this why you're hell-bent on destroying planets? Perhaps it's because everyone else gets to enjoy frozen treats while you only get smoldering hot BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE MEATLOAF, which, while delicious (I like to add bacon strips across the top of it) can only take you so far in the wonder that is a sense of taste.
Then again, pretty soon we'll all just have a sense of nonexistence, and you'll still have your Legion Loaf, so I guess it's not all bad, huh?
Crono, Blood Elf Death Knight
PS: You really should get Arthas back in line. I mean seriously, he let the entire Death Knight army he had run free. Just look at the planet, if he had as many Death Knights as the Horde and Alliance do now, he should have overrun the entirety of Azeroth like the instant he rose us from death.
Planets are my Dippin' Dots.
As to the clothing question, I only wear Victoria's Secret. That's right, savor that mental image. Drink it in.
Dearest Sargeras,
I've noticed as I read your blog that you've mentioned several Earth/American holidays. Are there holidays in the Twisting Nether? If so, how are they celebrated? Are there wild celebrations with food, alcohol, and fireworks? Sacrificial demons? Or just relaxing on the couch with a good book?
Yours,
Inka
As a matter of fact, all Earth holidays derive from a single primordial Nether holiday, Cinco De Groundhog Earth Mother Boxing Valentine Christmalloweenstergiving Dragon Boat Day, which occurs once every twenty-two thousand years. We celebrate by eating five tons each of rice dumplings, turkey, and candy, then drinking tequila till we pass out.
If you have a question for Sargeras, be sure to mail it in!

## Wednesday, July 29, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which spelling is fundamental.

We begin today with the best e-mail I got all week. It was not a question, but a picture, snapped from the camera of the esteemed Risqtish:
These are indeed the Burning Legion Super Tasty Ultimate Cookies, made by the hands of Risqtish herself. I'm told that is her Murloc, too. Thanks, Risqtish!
Right. Onward!
In my time as a Paladin, fighting off your minions, the Scourge, the
Scryers, etc, I have seen some pretty fierce warriors. One of which
holds the title of the Walker, Texas Ranger. I beseech your mighty
Titan-ness, who would win: Yours truly, the Titan, or Chuck Norris,
equipped with a Krol Blade?
Grand Protectorate of the Aldor
Varla Blaydes
Keeper of the Blog of the Grand Protectorate of the Aldor.

- Sargeras destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
- Sargeras can lick his elbow.
- Sargeras doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Sargeras has allowed to live.
- When Sargeras jumps in water, he doesn't get wet. Water gets Sargeras.

P.S. I would come out of nowhere lightning fast and kick Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass.
heya dark overlord.
i was thinking the other day, we where capable of beating your little minion KJ. And since our powers are evergrowing, as we continiue to kill and loot enemies beyond our wildest dreams. (such as yogg-saron). Is it possible we one day will come and kill you? I mean you havnt destroyed our planet yet... So its proberly only a matter of time before some random person slays you and take your throne isnt it?
p.s have you ever eaten a gnome? And if so was it delicius?
p.s.s sorry i have talked in brocken common but it is not my native tounge
- Tamenka, tauran and eater of gnomes
Yeah, your power level is increasing all the time, but I'm above your horizontal asymptote.
P.S. I eat tauren.
Dear Sargeras,
I was wondering. Do you feel any competition from Algalon? I mean, He's like the Titans poster boy for planetary things. Sure, he just goes back and TELLS the titans if a planet needs re-rolled, but don't you think at some point, he's going to decide to roll some planets on his own, and thus be competition for you?
Are you jealous that while you are burning hot, and infinitely large, that he is in fact, probably bigger, because he's a constellation? If you do have a problem with it, why aren't you in Ulduar kicking his ass yourself?
Oh and could you let me know where you plan on striking first on Azeroth? I want to be there. We have some unfinished business to attend to.
Thanks
That Blood Elf you wont let work for you.
This is the perfect example of how the Titans pussyfoot around about everything. They want to blow up planets, but boo hoo hoo, they feel so much guilt about killing little mortals...so they come up with these justifications like "eliminating corruption." Maybe they should try eliminating their own stupidity (oh BURN!).
As for Algalon, he loses to a raid party. A raid party. No offense, but look at your raiding group and tell me honestly - if these guys can beat up Algalon, do you really think I consider him competition?
First strike on Azeroth will be precisely 12.38 leagues northwest of where you least expect it.
Almighty Fiery One~
Have you read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? If so, what are your thoughts on it? And do you happen to know The Ultimate Question? I mean, you're a Titan...It's possible.
Kuyleh of Alexstrasza
Already answered this one.
Greetings Lord S of keeping the microwave useless.
Once again I write to ask you two questions.
#1 Do you wear sandals? If not, do you pay special head to destroying people who wear them first?
#2 How long did it take to write just one book of your collection? Because the paper must burst into flames.#
Good luck with destroying your next planet and species.
Matt A. Dixon
I'm really, really hoping you meant to type "heed" in that first question. Don't make me add another rule to my list. Anyway, yeah, I wear sandals on Casual Fridays, but listen up peeps, I don't wear socks with 'em, y'hear?
As for the book, um, obviously it was written on SPECIAL PAPER
Anyway, it's been real. Catch you cats later, I've got a village to pillage! And of course "village" means "inhabited world." And of course "pillage" means "turn into little tiny ashes."
LOBSMAARP: 53%

## Wednesday, July 22, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which turtles prove fundamental.

Hello, little friends! If you direct your attention to the right side of your screen, you'll notice I have a poll for you. Please partake.
Well, let's get on with it, shall we?
Dear mighty titan,
This is a question regarding your job (hobby) ; destroying planets and lifeforms.
Is there any kind of a galactic ethic council you have to deal with after your job´s done?
If so: How do you treat them? (eating, throw into the next Sun, playing pool with them - Yeah right upper black hole, or just listen to them)
Did you ever thought about doing something else then destroying Planets (I mean they arent not countless arent they?)
What do you wanna do if you have destroyed the last planet?
You could write a book but - no ones left to read it...
Nicorobbin - Nathrezim/Eu
HOW DARE YOU APPROACH THE MIGHTY SARGERAS! NO MORTAL MAY SPEAK IN MY PRESENCE AND LIVE!!
Eh, I'll let it slide.
I've already discussed endgame in a previous post, so I won't bring that up again. As to a galactic ethics council, that's pretty much all the titans do. It's, like, depressing. I think most of 'em wish they could just fly around blowing shit up the way I do, but they know they could never be as boss as me.
But anyway, yeah, I get these sad little "cease-and-desist" letters from them about once a month on beige strawberry-scented stationery with art deco letterheads. I stick them in a pile with my cease-and-desist letters from Blizzard, and jump into them occasionally when I feel like watching something burn.
I mean, something besides the usual.
Master of the eternal flame, Destroyer of all hope and life,
why are u still allied with that idiot called Arthas.
I mean he is sooo cold while u are flaming hot.
That cant work right can it?
And if u have to choose between 500.000.000 minions or kelthuzad wh would you choose?
one of ur unworthy minions.
hellkith (Azjol-Nerub EU)
In order:
1. I'm not.
2. It doesn't.
3. I've already chosen.
(Hums: "Don't know much about history...")
Hey Mr S Lord of keeping the coffee mug hot!
This is Mattdiox of the Wildhammer (EU) server.
I just want to know if you ever took Kiley Kilburn's advice and wrote a book? I mean it seems like a nice thing to do since you live forever and all.
If so, what is the book about? Do you keep it under your bed in a little pink box? Or do you keep it locked in a trunk under your basement? (There are so many methods for a titan to hide his novel in progress)
If you haven't written a book, what would you write one about? Would it be an autobiography? A classic tale of love and war? A thrilling epic of battle? A demonic tale of depression and whoa? Or even .... a hello kitty fan book?
P.S Although they no longer send you invitations to titan reunions ... when you did get invited, did you go all out and rent a nice suit? Or were you the one titan that always shows up in slacks and a t-shirt? I mean there is nothing wrong with that, but it's really hard for titan reunion photographers (Such as myself ((I work part time when I am not giving out the message of the paladin's holy order)) give me a call sometime I'm sure we can do a photo shoot for titan weekly) who work tirelessly to select the best photos and always have to choose between the most smartly dressed titan who isn't too fantastic or the super powerful titan who just had to get there straight from the gym.
Yours paladinly (My own personal term) Mattdiox
Why, yes! I've written many books, in fact. Let me see if I can dig up a bibliography here...

- I Am So Awesome
- Why I Am So Awesome: An Essay Collection
- Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright, Literally: Awesome Things I Have Done
- The Windswept Airless Plain: A Book of Poetry
- You're Fired! A Retrospective
- Leap-Splash, A Titan: The Ultimate Evil Haiku Collection
- I Am Still Awesome
- The Sweet-Scented Lily: A Novel
- Don't Judge Me By My Previous Book: An Autobiography
- SARGERAS: LEGEND (Volumes 1-18)
- Is It Cancer? Probably Not: A Complete Guide To Health Care For Immortals

My web dude has written two books of his own, both of which were way too crappy to get published. He's working on revisions to a draft of his third book, some kind of science fiction novel he says, but it still looks pretty crappy to me.
As to the titan reunions, have no doubt that I was the very picture of debonair class. Asbestos tuxedo, all the way.
Sargeras, High Lord of the Burning Legion, Dark Titan of Cooking, and Lord of the Dance,
What kind of place have you got in the twisting nether?
Is it like, a giant palace (of skulls... or is that Kil'jaeden?) or do you just float around in nothingness?
Second Lord of the Dance,
-AC
Imagine if Megatron transformed into the Taj Mahal, then hired Morgoth as his interior decorator, and then someone doused it with napalm and set it on fire. Now imagine it's the size of Eurasia.
What is it sitting on? Why, the back of a turtle, of course. And before you ask, it's turtles all the way down.
If you have a question for Sargeras, be sure to drop me an e-mail!

## Wednesday, July 15, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which celebrity-bashing is bashed.

What's up peeps. For those of you who are new to this whole Ask Sargeras thing, basically, people send me letters and then I respond to those letters. It's a very new and original concept and I'm pretty sure I'm the first one ever to think of it! RIGHT THEN.
Dark Lord of Poetry, Destruction, and Mt. McKinley-sized proportions, and his humble webservant:
In an extremely inspiring article, you (with xkcd's assistance) noted how video games can be a bad thing.
Now, do you dislike them in general or only the addiction they cause in some cases, and the lack of experiences gained from them?
If you do like them, what games?
Also,
Do you ever get invites to titan reunions? Do you even show? If you do, do you just sit in a corner, brooding, or do you stride through the room, owning everyone by virtue of your sheer presence?
-AC
Excellent question!
You are no doubt referring to this post. It's worth a read if you haven't already, but here's the gist: life is just too fucking short to waste your time on pointless stuff. I mention World of Warcraft specifically in that post, not because the game is inherently or necessarily pointless, but because it seems to (at times) encourage joyless or repetitious play.
Friends and neighbors, I am here to tell you today that if you're spending hours of your time playing a video game that you do not enjoy, there is something seriously messed up with your life.
Having said that, I am certainly not against video games so long as they make you happy, because we could all use a little more happiness in our lives. Here are some of my all-time favorites, all of which I've played from start to finish, in no particular order:
Braid
Super Smash Bros. (and its sequel, Melee)
Tumiki Fighters
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (as well as Majora's Mask, Wind Waker, and Twilight Princess)
Red Alert 2
Super Mario 64
Mario Kart 64
Rocket: Robot on Wheels
Super Mario RPG
Earthbound
Chrono Trigger
Lots and lots of others
I have mixed feelings about the Final Fantasy series; they have some really cool characters and plotlines (especially VI - Kefka's where it's at, yo) but the constant random battling gets a little ridiculous after a while. I also have no interest whatsoever in the Halo games, mainly because I find them so boring.
To be honest though, I hardly play video games at all anymore - not that they've gotten any less fun, I just have so little time for them, what with my bloggin' and planet-bustin' and all!
So, to summarize. Video games are cool. Mindless aggravating repetition, not so much!
As to your other question of whether I go to titan reunions: they've stopped sending me invitations! Do you believe that shit?!
P.S. The original Final Fantasy sucked, and not just a little bit, but with a level of suckage that can only be described as Oreckian. Yeah, that's right, Brian Clevinger, what are you going to do about it?
Dear Sargeras
You must be the perfect person to answer this question.
Whats the best way to get rid of blood stains?
I captured some Male Bloodsail Pirates and Sacrificed them on a stone alter in the full moon light,
Now my nice white robes are covered on sailor blood!
"Out dam spot, out I say,"
Whats the best way to remove it?
Sea Man Stains seem to be allmost impossible to completley get rid of!
Your loyal Warlock
Impish (EU Sporegar server).
If you'd read Scourge Chat Log #2, you'd know the answer to that already. On the other hand, you've got a quote from Shakespeare and a dirty pun, both of which I'm incredibly partial to, so I suppose I'll let you live.
So one time two whales were swimming along when one whale says to the other, "That's the whaling ship that killed my pa! Quick, let's get under it and shoot water from our blowholes to sink it!" The other whale agrees and they sink the ship. Lots of sailors swim out of the wreckage, and the first whale says, "Now help me gobble them up!" The second whale looks at him and says:
"Look, I went along with the blow job, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"
If you like that sort of classy high-brow humor then you might enjoy reading this.
Please inform me what "Xar il romath da tidesbi" means. Forward Commander To'arch told me that it was insulting enough that anyone in the Burning Legion would kill me instantly for saying it, but how exactly does it translate? Also if there is a more polite way of insuring my instant death and lack of torture or the enslavement of my soul I would be happy to learn that. However I am doubtful that anything polite will avoid torture or soul dismemberment. Do you go in for soul dismemberment or is that just Kil'Jaeden?
Teltanara - Hyjal
If you want to avoid suffering, just make sure you check the "No Suffering" box on the form they give you. It's a small box and easy to overlook, which unfortunately has led to many misunderstandings...I've tried to get it changed, but you know how bureaucracy is. Slow as ice! Which is ironic, really.
Anyway. "Xar il romath da tidesbi." It is the ultimate insult against Sargeras...and you want a translation. Well, I suppose. But you should know - this is an insult so awful, so hideous, so demeaning, that even thinking it may cause you to shudder.
Are you ready?
"Sargeras leaves comments on Perez Hilton's blog."
I KNOW RIGHT
Dear Sargeras, lord of haikus,
I once heard that taking on the entire burning legion at once would be a lot better than just taking you on. If this is true, and you are more powerful than the legion, why do you need it? Is it just that lackeys are part of the evil lord contract? Or you just need a break so you send your servants to do it for you? Also, could you compare the Lich King, Kil’Jaedan, Aman’Thul and you in terms of power? Like greatest to least or something.
P.S. What T.V. shows do you watch? (if any) just curious.
-Kaelmic, Sentinels US
Yeah, my lackeys are pretty useless, aren't they? The thing that you have to understand about lackeys is that they aren't there to actually accomplish anything; heroes inevitably defeat them in the early stages of their quest, leading to the grand entrance of the primary villain. No, lackeys are a status symbol, like a Mercedes, or an epic mount, or this. Of course you don't need them - that's the point. I've got more lackeys than Voldemort has neurons, and he'd damned well better remember it, too.
To your second question: comparing those three to me is like comparing three campfires to the sun. Yeah, one might be a tad brighter than its neighbor, but does it really matter? IT'S THE SUN
TV, eh, don't generally have time for it; but when I do indulge, my favorites are The Daily Show, The Office, Seinfeld, and Star Trek: The Next Generation. (Are you listening, Jon Stewart? I smell interview!)
Dear mighty titan,
You like coffee as we all know, but theres a question coming up:
Do you like Starbucks?
And if you do: Which Starbucks coffee is your favourite taste?
And: Would you destroy all these wonderfull coffeeplaces together with the rest of our small planet or would you leave lets say a small piece of earth with a starbucks bar on it?
Nicorobbin - Nathrezim/EU
I'm not real big on Starbuck's. Something about those nice, neat, orderly stores just makes me want to BURN EXPLODE DESTROY ALL VENTI ESPRESSO BURNINATION ETC. and also I don't know whose idea it was to offer coffee in 20 oz. increments because really, I don't feel like waiting for them to make six hundred twenty-four thousand of them. On the other hand, the coffee's not bad if you add the right spice to it, and fortunately the dudes in there with their laptops have nice fresh souls, young and juicy and tender. (Manual labor ruins the flavor, don't you know.)
But as for letting a Starbuck's survive, I can only say...welcome to the blog, your naivete is charming. You'll learn better in time. ;-)
That's all the letters for this week! Keep 'em coming! I know there's something you'd like to ask the Fountainhead of Fury, so send that properly punctuated, grammatically correct missive to cwsargeras@gmail.com!
LOBSMAARP: 72% (for mentioning Perez Hilton in the same sentence as a Blizzard character)

## Wednesday, July 1, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which impractical solutions are proposed.

This week's mailbag is like that part in The Two Towers where Merry and Pippin enlist the help of the Ents in their fight against Saruman: there are some little ones and some great big ones, but they're all being watched by an evil and magical entity whose first three letters are "Sar."
Look, I'm not that good at analogies. What I'm trying to say is that we have three really long e-mails and three really short e-mails, and I'm trying to find some way to make that seem funny, and...
Can we just do this?
Great Ravager of Worlds, I beseech thee, please answer my questions.
1. Why hasn't the Pantheon cracked down on you yet? I mean sure, you were the strongest among them, but why hasn't your bro Aman'Thul tried to smack some sense into you? Or has he?
2. If you were present at the time, can you describe how the Kil'jaeden boss fight in Sunwell Plateau looked like from your end of the portal?
3. What kind of benefits package does the average demon get in the Burning Legion?
4. What's with all you demons/fallen titans/corrupted heroes growing to immense proportions while destroying stuff? Seems like a waste of energy to me. Is it for the terror factor?
5. Any openings for a human warrior looking to do some smiting on some traitorous ex-guildies? (Traitors that left the guild, not people in the guild).
Thank you in advance, my liege.
Taium, Dalvengyr-US
P.S. If you have no openings, could I perhaps borrow that sweet sword of yours for an hour. Should be plenty of time.
Six questions in one?! Just what are we trying to pull here? Would it really be fair to all the other patient readers who e-mailed me if I answer all six of your questions when they only get one?
Do I seem like an unfair person to you?
Oh. Right.
Well, let's see if I can answer all six of your questions at once, in order, one line at a time, using the magic of poetry:
The Pantheon's a bunch of sissy wimps,
He should've swatted that blue buzzing fly,
Free dental and a pair of curvy nymphs,
I'd guess that Shock and Awe's the reason why;
Although I'm all in favor of some smitin',
You'll never wield the weapon of a titan.
Bam! Still got it!
Hey there, Big Old Dude...
(I'm a warlock, I can get away with sass. It's in the contract.)
In all the movies where a planet is being destroyed by some force, either internal, external or... well, I guess those would be the only two ways, huh? ... every destruction is different in some way. Some look more believable than others. I personally like the ones where the planet explodes outwards in every direction, as opposed to the ones where they seem to explode outwards like the rings on Saturn. Makes no sense unless someone planted shaped charges into the core... which would be hard to do for SOME people (bet you could though, but getting TO the core may just destroy the planet anyway, so why bother, huh? Unless it's for the challenge...) so why is it exploding in that manner?
Or as with the newest Star Trek movie, planting a black hole into the center of a planet makes it melt inwards from the insertion point (what?) as opposed to the entire planet equally melting inwards around the black hole, which unless my understanding of black holes is completely wrong, doesn't have a pull from one individual direction, but from all directions equally. Shouldn't it have imploded? The areas nearest to the black hole going first, in all directions, and expanding outwards?
So I guess my question is... what really happens when a planet is destroyed by some internal or external force? And is there a difference in how it looks, depending on what exactly is destroying it?
And... screenshot or it didn't happen.
Love and (air) kisses,
Kikidas from Alleria
BTW: Ruptik the Imp wants to know when he's allowed back in after that whole shaving cream and strawberries incident?
I've previously mentioned this article, which clears up all that troublesome business about black holes in planetary cores rather nicely. To your larger question, though, the dynamics of planetary destruction are exquisitely complex. I've been doing this job for more than 30 gajillion years now, and even I have yet to fully master their subtleties.
I don't have time to explain it all, but I will say this. Planetary explosions all look pretty much the same, but they don't all have to sound the same.
Try blowing up a world with the Benny Hill theme playing in the background sometime. Trust me. It really does make just about everything better.
To his most illustrious Grand High Destructomath, Wearer of the Beard of a Thousand Flames, Sovereign of the Endless Void.
I am a Dreadlord working in your legion's middle-management group, and I have a question for you that I do hope will not be too impertinent.
To whit: What in the name of You is up with the Eredar? I don't mean to be questioning your Dark Magnificence, but seriously, why did you ever promote those poncy bastards over your loyal Nathrezim? They're all supertastically magical, I get that. But they were *also* all mortals once, and as such they're bound to be screw ups. Since you've been away, we've been doing our best to keep your Legions in fighting shape and ready for your return. We've even found the time to get some real quality corrupting done on Azeroth. But while we've been working our tails off, your Eredar rank and file are all too busy posturing, hitting on the succubi, and snorting lines of mana to pay any attention to the cause.
Then there's your Grand High Poobahs, Archimonde and Kil'jaedan. They may be something on the order of 100 feet tall, but that's *tiny* compared to the issues they drag around. Like Archimonde. He might be dead now, thank evil, but I assure you that when he was still alive he was making a royal mess of things. He'd always go missing from staff meetings and we'd get sent out looking for him. We'd search for days and then invariably find him passed out in a nebula somewhere coming down off a 3 week magic bender. When he finally got himself summoned to Azeroth, he went RIGHT for the Well of Eternity and tried to eat the World Tree. Instead, he got blown up by wisps. Don't get me wrong, watching him explode was one of the finest moments in my long existence. But, by wisps? I ask you. At least Mal'Ganis had the integrity to be defeated (not killed, please note!) by the power of an extremely potent artifact weapon, like a proper demon.
And Kil'jaeden, man, he's a whole different piece of work. When he's not busy getting stuck halfway through portals and beaten on by adventuring parties, he's wasting the time he SHOULD be using to subvert new races into your fold by tarting himself up in drag and attending "Eredar Pride" meetings. That he makes us accompany him to in the name of "Multi-Dimensional Cultural Sensitivity Training." And at which he inevitably gets wasted, and then starts crying about some love-triangle mess he had with Archimonde and Velen back on Argus. Let me tell you, after about ten minutes of that I'm contemplating ripping off my own horns and stabbing them directly into my brain. But that's nothing compared to the end of the night, when we have to drag his soppy carcass back home while listening to him recite moody goth poetry about having his heart broken by Illidan "Too Emo For His Shirt" Stormrage.
Sorry, needed a moment to compose myself.
So, yes, the Eredar are a bunch of colossal sized screwups. On the other hand, we Nathrezim have, like yourself, always been immortals. We don't have all those pesky lusts and physical desires getting in the way of carrying out your will and destroying all life.
So why, why, why do we have to put up with them? They are, to use mortal terms, the Robin to our Batman. If Robin was slutty heroin addict, and Batman had literal (and very stylish) wings.
With all due trembling and awe,
Mefaustias, perplexed Dreadlord, Shadow Council (US)
All right. I want you to do something for me. I want you to take a breath.
Now how do we feel?
Good.
Take two Benadryl, get some rest, and call me in the morning.
P.S. If these "Robins" really upset you so much, take a page from Batman's book and tell them what's up!
Dear Sargeras,
You have been a valuable source of information regarding cooking recipes and interior decorating; but I have been left curious about your fashion tips. What does a titan with hair that is literally flamming metal wear in order to keep scorch marks from ruining his ensemble? Is it custom tailored or do they have a titan-sized Big and Tall in the nether?
-Trend Seeker
Two words: Nomex tuxedo.
Dear Sargeras, Annihilator of All Things Cute and T-Shaped:
What would you do if another one of the Titans split off and followed in your footsteps (possibly even literally). Would you focus on eliminating the competition, or welcome the new face in the world-incinerating field?
Sorry for the short question, I have a cowering appointment in ten minutes.
~Lowly Mortal #43,554,687,789
This is sort of like asking Skynet what it would do if one of the humans started going around killing other humans. I mean really, it's adorable and all, but - as an astute reader once pointed out - "EVERONE means we all get pwnt."
Speaking of which - was I the only one who thought Terminator: Salvation was just, like, a really shitty version of the Matrix trilogy? Kind of the same way Ctrl-Alt-Delete is a poor man's Penny Arcade, only Penny Arcade is free?
But I digress.
O Dark Titan,
I am looking for an extremely durable keyboard (I'm pretty clumsy). After reading your latest post, I had to wonder, what kind of keyboard has the durability to withstand the awesome might and flames of the Supreme Destroyer?
Carflipe, Aerie Peak US
You can't buy truly high-quality durable keyboards in stores, but making your own is easy and fun! Here's what you're going to want to do:
1. Get Captain America's shield and Wolverine's skeleton.
2. Melt them down and stir until thoroughly mixed.
3. Pour the mixture into an ice cube tray and allow 3-8 weeks to cool.
4. Repeat until you have enough keys for a full keyboard.
5. Paint the alphabet and/or syllabary of your choice on them. Why not give hiragana a try?
6. Superglue these keys over top of your regular keyboard.
7. Ta-da! Sargeras keys!
Hope nobody came to this blog today expecting it to be about World of Warcraft. HAHA!
Anyway. Want Sargeras to answer one of your questions too? Send me an e-mail and I'll make it happen!
Peace out.

## Wednesday, June 24, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which bullet points are used to great effect.

I'll get to the mailbag in a moment, but first, some miscellaneous items:
1. In very exciting news, the Scourge Chat Log has been adapted for radio - WoW Radio, that is, with the esteemed TotalBiscuit supplying the Lich King's voice personally. The "Scourge Vent Recording" will, I'm told, air on WoW Radio this Friday at 2:30 PM Eastern Standard Time. I'll have more about this on Friday, but just a head's up for now.
2. Dorn was kind enough to inform me that gay pride was not the only kind of pride on display at the recent Proudmoore Pride Celebration. And even better, he's provided proof! Click to enlarge:
3. This is the 101st CWS blog post, which just goes to show that if half your posts are haiku and some of them only have two words, writing 101 posts is, like, super easy. Follow your dreams, kids.
4. If you haven't listened to my awesome new theme song yet, um, why not
Anyway, there is only one reader e-mail this week. Does this signal the beginning of the end for the Coffee with Sargeras blog?! Well, I won't quit my day job. Anyway, let's get right to it!
Dear Sargeras,
I've recently been playing a game called Dead Space. Dunno if you demons have the wonderful contraption that is the XBox 360, but in the game some fellows end up cracking open a random planet. The aforementioned planet just so happens to have slavering zombie types in it that are hell-bent on destruction (I think you and their Hive Mind might get along, actually)! This brings me to my question; what peculiar things have you found whilst ripping apart planets?
Sincerely,
Amaralith, Trollbane-US
Things I have found whilst ripping apart planets:

- Dirt
- Bilbo Baggins
- Bright paper packages tied up in string
- Lavos
- Trillions and trillions of liters of molten iron
- The sound of one hand clapping (it sounds like this: splortchzz)
- Demons who don't follow instructions very well
- Aaron Eckhart
- The prison of Lord Xenu (yes, this is what Scientologists actually believe)
- Candy and prizes
- The more literal-minded employees at Digg.com
- Richard Stallman
- Spelunkers
- Millions of voices that suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced
- Unwatched copies of the Batman & Robin DVD
- Sandworms
- The sound of my own twisted heart, beating, beating, ever beating in the night, relentless and terrible, crying out there shall be no escape from these crimes, death is no penance for what you have done and I know it's just a dream but oh, it burns, that sound, it burns like the yearning of hunger and the smoking craters of unfulfilled dreams and...

Hm. Maybe I should get some sleep.
Remember, if you'd like to ask Sargeras a question, just drop me an e-mail! Every third e-mailer gets 10,000 gold absolutely free!*
*not true

## Wednesday, June 17, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which the possibility of more recipes is raised.

Only a handful of e-mails this time around, but you know what they say about e-mails: "The fewer you get, the more time you have for burnin' thatch-roof huts!" (Do people still say that these days?) Well, anyway...
Dear Sargeras,
Do you find it ever gets annoying to have so many fabulous titles to your name? What I mean is, if you're the courteous sort, if you were about to decimate a town and someone saw you, and began screaming "IT'S THE MASTER OF ALL THINGS EVIL, RULER OF THE BURNING LEGION, LORD OF THE TWISTING NETHER--" etc. etc., would you wait for them to finish blurting your many names, or just end them on the spot?
Also, cats or dogs?
- Raptorbane, Steamwheedle Cartel (US)
Naturally I would kill said screamer sans deliberation, but your question does raise a valid issue: the proliferation of titles. The perpetration of destruction on a galactic scale is problematic in that the number of titles one acquires is a second degree polynomial function of time; that is, title quantity increases at a superlinear rate. At present I hold over 8,337,000 titles, including old standbys like "Prince of Omnipotence" and "The Shadowy Shah," but also many lesser-known honorifics such as "Annihilator of Phylum Ferrochordata," "Destroyer of Some Asteroids in the Gamma Sector," and "That One Dude Who Like Totally Stomped On That Other Thing And Did You See It 'Cause It Was Like Wicked Tricky."
I have actually commissioned a list of titles I do not possess, in the hopes that it will be somewhat shorter. Chief among these are "King of Nuzzling," "King of Soft Gentle Nuzzling," and, of course, "King of Whitebread."
Regarding cats and dogs, I must perforce vote in favor of cats - because, as the Intarwebs would say, they "has a flavur," and I am here to tell you it is delicious.
Dear Sargeras --
Ever hear of Ziltoid the Omniscient? If not, you probably should see about him getting you a theme song made for your everyday lifestyle and such. Oh and why didn't you just kick Kil'jaeden's ass out of that portal into Azeroth and get the destruction over with? C'mon -- were you just making tea and he tried doing something sneaky?
Btw -- if you choose to kill me I'll read you my poetry as you do.
Cheers,
kimo of Burning Legion
I did run into Ziltoid once, very briefly, about seventy centuries ago. He wanted to try my coffee. I wanted him to go on a safari through the raging corona of Alpha Centauri B. I'll leave the resolution of that conflict to your more-than-qualified imagination.
As for Kil'jaeden, you've got to understand that watching your own lackeys fail is probably the biggest perk of having lackeys in the first place. And Killy, if you're reading this, you know I'm only kidding, buddy! Or, alternatively, bitterly serious and wrathful. ;-)
Dear Sargeras
Hey Sargie, I hope i find you well. How goes the planet-busting business?
Anyways i was wondering if you had any other recipes to share with us, your loyal fans...err...slaves.
Your BLSSUM is quite frankly the greatest food ever created, I have made it several times now and its always a hit!
Please share your culinary knowledge with us oh great one!
- Tom of Planet Earth (Please don't destroy us)
Hm, I think I can probably dig something else up. What say you, loyal readers? Would a second infernal recipe be welcomed by your kind?
Well, that's all for this mailbag. Have a question for Sargeras? Send it in! And remember, kids: if the Titans didn't want planets to burn, they shouldn't have made them out of magma. Ta ta for now!
LOBSMAARP: 33.333333333%

## Wednesday, June 3, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which I answer SO MANY E-MAILS

Last week I beseeched y'all to send me your questions, and wow, did you ever. My inbox was fuller than something that's completely full of other, smaller things! Well, let's get right to it.
Dear Dark Titan,
I know destroying entire solar systems must be the kind of job that can work up an appetite, especially for someone who enjoys their work and really gets into it. I was wondering what kind of snacks keep you going through your day, if any, and what kind of hearty meal you like to sit down to after a long day's work?
I would also like to extend an invitation for a free meal of your choice at the restaurant where i work, should you be hungry at the time your schedule gets around to the destruction of earth. While i'm not a chef yet, i am aspiring to be, and i have a small bit of talent, being a southerner raised on fried chicken and other country cousine. It would be my honor to serve the last meal i prepare to one such as yourself!
Awaiting destruction and prepared to make SMORES,
Savadren of Doomhammer
S'mores are delicious, and anyone who says differently in my presence will pay the price. Using heat to make marshmallows and chocolate even more delicious? I'm sold. Thank you for your kind offer...next time I pass through, I'll look you up. I'll warn you, though, I am extraordinarily...well...hot. So I guess, if you can't stand the heat...well, you know.
As to my own eating habits, there is of course the BLSSUM, a perennial favorite of the infernal legions. I like it because it's easy, and I'm all about easy due to my intense laziness. Hence carrot sticks, Doritos, and mac & cheese occupy the top tier in my culinary hierarchy. I'm also partial to no-bake cookies, but I'm so bad at the no-bake part!
Dear Annihilator of Worlds,
So, as the Lich King mentioned in one of your hilarious (which i mean in the best of ways, almighty destroyer) chatlogs, you don't appear to have any endgame.
Your puny, ever-failing right hand Kil'Jaeden couldn't come up with a good explanation for what your Legion would do after you killed everyone and everything outside of it, but I'm sure you can. And if on the off chance he was right about this matter, let me say that I think you deserve Aegwynn's corpse to dance on. You did spend 778 years trapped in that corpse.
P.S.: Do paladins get smashed first?
Thvelin, Nazgrel-US
Endgame, endgame, everyone's worried about endgame. Is it really reasonable to expect a well-thought-out long-term strategy from the High Overlord of Chaotic Evil? But if you must know, I envision the Very End Of Times going a little something like this:
1. All other life destroyed, the Burning Legion is the only thing left in a universe of ruins and dust.
2. I pit my demons against each other in an elaborate gladiatorial system for my amusement, promising the winners membership in an ever-shrinking and nonexistent group of beings that I will allow to survive.
3. The last demon standing gets the honor of being personally squelched by yours truly.
4. No, I am not going to kill myself. I will spend the remaining 275,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years before the Heat Death of the Universe practicing transcendental meditation. If Buddhism is all about removing attachments, it should be a lot easier when there's nothing left to be attached to.
5. Occasionally I will indulge in baccarat.
And no, pallies do not get the honor of first smiting. The honor of first smiting goes to Whoever Happens To Be Standing In Wisconsin When I Drop Greenland On It.
Dear Mister Dark Titan,
I've been conducting research into titany things lately, (Well, only some titany things, to be honest, because some of the titans made really neat stuff, like Uldaman and rainbows and gigantic machines that fill up whole mountains, and some of them are... well... Aggramar.) And anyway, in my research, I've come across a few things that I just can't figure out: If you destroy everything, where are you going to keep all your stuff? And where will you go to get pie?
Sincerely,
Flit Flutterby
The first question is easy: if the whole universe is a smoking wreck, there's nothing but places to put my stuff. For example: the crater where Wisconsin used to be before I dropped Greenland on it? A place to put my stuff. The parsecs between the dust motes of what used to be Neptune? A place to put my stuff. Waste a lot, want not.
As to the pie, rest assured I have not been idle in the billions of years of my life. My stockpile of pie is without rival in the universe, with the possible exception of Oscar Wilde, who as of this writing is both crusty and fruity.
Dear Sargeras
I've been asking around, and it struck me that you have, and I quote,
"Wildly dancing flames surround his head and form a thick mass of hair and a sweeping beard."
Now you see o mighty titan, I am a dreadlord that's rather new to this dealio. How do you keep the beard and the hair to a respectable standard? Do you use some sort of huge razor, or does it just fall off at your will?
-- A stubbly dreadlord
This can be tricky. I used to have one of my demon-lords shave me with Gorribal, but I ended up with a sloppy cut, too many nicks, and far too few demon-lords (mainly as a result of the nicks). These days, whenever I need a trim, I just pay a visit to Aegwynn, and her cutting remarks do the job quite nicely.
Greetings, oh great Titan, I hope that It's going good with your daily destruction of universe.
I dare send you that message to ask you a little thing that could help us to understand better the universe itself.
In our little planet there are people that believe that the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. Peraphs joust to know that that is the answer helps that people, and sometimes also me use that simple answer to calm my useless doubts.
What do you think about that? Did you find the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything yourself in your really-long life? Can you share a little your reliable knowledge?
Sincerely,
Pretenano (argent dawn, EU)
P.S. I hope my english is good enough my powerfull Lord
Yeah, it's 42. I remember because I got that question wrong on my Introduction To Useless Philosophy 103 class back before I went dark. I put "seeing Jessica Alba naked," which was marked wrong because she hadn't been born at the time. Fascists.
Incidentally, Douglas Adams seems to have been under the impression that the Question itself cannot be understood, and that if Question and Answer were ever known at the same time, the universe would implode. This is untrue; I know, because I tried it myself, hoping for a shortcut. No dice. For the curious: the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is, "What is the atomic number of molybdenum?" Trufax.
Dear Sargeras,
Where do baby Titans come from?
Sincerely,
Amaralith, Trollbane-US
Well, you see, when two interdimensional filaments love each other very much...
That is, there were some birds and some bees and a stork the size of Rhode Island...
What I mean to say is, if a pair of gametes each happens to be made of adamantium...
I guess what I'm getting at is, a cosmic paragon of annihilation has certain needs...
Look, it's complicated, okay?
Sargeras, Lord of the twisting nether, commander of the burning legion and aficionado of haiku,
Before, you have stated that when you destroy the earth you will give us minute-by-minute updates of what you're doing. We humans have a thing called "previews" where you show us what something is like before it happens. Mostly this is done for movies. But seeing as we wont be around to make one, maybe you could do a minute-by-minute update of the next planet you destroy? (assuming it isn't us, of course.)
-AC
Not a bad idea! I'll keep it in mind.
Don't worry, I'll make it a little longer and more interesting than certain other planetary destructions I could name.
Dear big, dedicated destroyer person
Yeah, hi. Look, I'm sorry, but I'm just a gnome, who, in his spare time, cruses the internet. I'm not exactly happy with you, really. I mean, you are going to decimate - not kill, DECIMATE - me and my bud's. Frankly, I like being alive. So, I hope you don't mind, but if I do see some little imp, I'll be sure to kill it. No offense or anything, just a matter of politics. Can't be supporting something we hate, now can we?
Anyways, when I'm not frankly $%@!%'d at you for the above mentioned problem to my well being, I was wondering. Your ultimate goal (according to the wonders of WoWwiki, anyways) is to undo everything the Titans made. Well... Doesn't that kind of mean you have to destroy yourself? How does that work? Nothingness can't be nothing if something is in the nothing, and your definitely a rather big something. So, what are your final plans? And how are you going to have a funeral if everything is dead?
PS. How do your parents (If you have any) feel about this career path? Just wondering...
Your everlasting enemy and coffee mate
-A little guy with a big sword (ALGWABS for short)
I think I've already answered the questions about endgame and titan parenthood, so let me simply suggest that you channel your rage into something more productive...like poetry. ;-)
So far, all the focus for questions in 'Ask Sargeras' that people seem to have is on the current 'Sargeras the Destroyer', or whatever applicable title of choice you prefer. For a change however, how about a few questions about the 'goody-good' Sargeras of the past?
We all know that you used to go around smiting evil and such pre-corruption, but aside from switching sides, has much really changed? I mean, back then it was wiping out dreadlords and the worlds they twisted, but it seems like it was destruction nonetheless. Are there any other notable personality quirks or even hobbies that carried over, or is there a mental block on what was perhaps a 'sickeningly sweet' old life, like how you used to be unable to conceive of pure evil back then?
Also, originally the story went that the Eredar helped you along the path of corruption, and now the official word is that you corrupted them instead (leaving the space goats to escape). Bronze dragonflight conspiracies perhaps, or were you simply too busy being distracted by the wiles of the 'original' space goat women to remember/care either way?
And incidentally, I came across an old lore post regarding you on wowinsder back in '07, saying "It's a good thing Sargeras didn't have a livejournal, as I bet it would have had some really awful 'you don't understand my pain' poetry on it." Little did they know what would really eventuate...
- The Masked Mustelid
Hm...I'll try to answer these in the order you asked them...
1. The main thing that's changed between the old smiting and the new smiting is there's a lot less anxiety now. Think about it: if you're smiting evil, you constantly have to check what you smite pre-smite to make sure it's actually smite-worthy. Talk about pressure! Under the new "Scorched Ether" policy, ulcers are down 98%.
2. The main personality quirk left over from the "good old days," so to speak, is my insatiable schoolboy crush on the moon Io. Mmmm...how can you stay mad at a planetoid that's ripping itself apart? Of course, in those innocent times, I figured my attraction was merely platonic, and certainly not tectonic. I've learned better since then...and so has Io.
3. If you rearrange the letters in "Space Goat" you get "Taco Pages," which I think is all I have to say about that.
4. The site you're referring to would be here. I was actually just reading that line myself not too long ago, and it gave me a pretty good chuckle.
I mean, honestly. I am many things, but I'm hardly Goth.
Well, that about wraps it up for this week. Keep those questions coming!

## Wednesday, May 20, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which I reveal my personal soundtrack.

I'll start by drawing your attention to the poll in the upper right. Your feedback is appreciated!
Okay, moving on...
How does Blizz contact you to inform you of plot occurences or alterations they feel you should be aware of?
Do they send mail, or just whisper you?
Are there even Mailboxes in the void?
How do mail gnomes deliver mail to your hypothetical mailbox in the void?
~ Dazer (Nordrassil)
Michael Morhaime, the president of Blizzard, dons the Cloak of Rabelais at 3 AM, draws a pentagram on the eastern wall of his bedroom, and chants his message to me six times. Then he sprinkles hog's blood on his shoulders, dances about chortling like a jackal, and finally rends his garments and sprints nude across the vast meadows of his mansion, screaming "Alea iacta est!" to anyone who will listen. They find him three days later, working as a stable hand named Jose in a nearby ranch, and the process begins anew.
No, really.
Sometimes he e-mails me.
Dear Sargeras.
I have seen several people offering to be your left hand. I want to throw my name out there.
I, Sunetra the disgruntled Blood Knight can be your left hand, even if that includes Bum Scratching. I mean, bum scratching seems a small price to pay for getting to kill things right?
Salary Requirements: 1 Naaru to yank the light out like the good old days. I was so bummed when Kael'thas stole the last one, and then Lady Liadrin went all Hippie on me and wants us to use the light willingly. Tell me, Do you have tabs on where Kael'thas is? I mean, could you bring him back from the dead for me? I'm not done kicking his teeth down his throat.
Mission statement: Well, Currently it's: I want to smash things, Kill Yogg-Saron, Dance on his corpse in my twilight cultists outfit with my Skullflame shield and Quel blade screaming about how I will be the end of Azeroth.
Once I have done this, I will farm said boss until the next raid, where I will smash the raid, Dance on the corpse of the last boss in my twilight cultists outfit with my Skullflame shield and Quel blade screaming about how I will be the end of azeroth. I will continue to do this until I. Sunetra. The Blood Knight. Have sundered Azeroth and sit atop Hyjal and smell the decimation as it clings to my nostrils. Once I have re-created azeroth in my own vision, I will hop on a ship, fly to outer space, meet up with dr. weir, have my eyes removed and scream "DO YOU SEE!?" At Lawrence Fishburn until he blows me to hell.
It could easily be changed to: I want to smash worlds, kill beings, dance on their corpses in my Twilight Cultists outfit (it's quite roomy) with my Skullflame Shield and Quel Blade (think you could make it all... 'flamey' for me?) screaming about how the Burning Legion will be the end of everything. I will destroy worlds and dance like this until I. Sunetra. The Blood Knight. have sundered the Universe in the name of Sargeras and sit atop a piece of debris and smell the decimation as it clings to my nostrils. Once Sargeras has re-created the universe in his own vision, I will hop on a ship, fly to outer space, meet up with Dr. Weir have my eyes removed and scream "DO YOU SEE!" at Lawrence Fishburn until he blows us both back home.
Qualifications: I get the job done. You tell me to go kill something? I'm going to come back successful. The only thing to elude me was Killie, and that's because i didn't have enough time to get to him before I needed to move on and kill some scourge. (I'm a paladin. They said scourge, and I said I'm SOOOO fracking there).
Thanks for your consideration,
One angry Blood Knight.
No.
Greetings. First off I concur with you abandoning the titans and going off on a rampage on your own. They can be lousy employers, for sure. But also,
wat r ur keybinds n macrows dude? i mean i cna use my own but u do liek craizy damage an its hawd dpsing sometimse so i thout i shud ask!
My thoughts go out to you, hopefully Azeroth shall crumble in due time.
Sincerely, bored dude. :)
Thanks for the question! However, I must sadly repeat what I have said before - neither I nor my webservant actually play WoW, so I must confess I am quite ignorant in these matters. I'll get back to you when I know more of macros than a novice in a nunnery.
Dear High Lord of Terrorness,
you are so cool (well, not literally) we named our server after you. It runs under linux and we decided to use it as a file server for our cat content (photos etc).
In the last few days I wondered which superuser you'd prefer? And is "kill all humans" a good password, or is that too short-sighted?
greetings
a mortal
Can't say I know much about Linux, as I run Windows Vista at home (spare me the comments - I am evil, you know). As far as logins, though, I've always been partial to "Sargerat0r" as a user name, or perhaps "MakingLightOfDark" if you don't mind a little extra typing. If all else fails, a simple "SARGERAS" works nicely.
For a password, yes, I must say that "kill all humans" is a bit myopic. Why leave out the dragons, or those delicious elves? Besides, a password should be something hard to guess. Why not "LaughingBunny" or "LavenderHyacinth"? Or, for added security, you could use something I haven't posted on the web for thousands of people to read. ;-)
Oh great and mighty lord of darkness and destruction,
I was listening to a song (Titan, by Brave Saint Saturn) and it occurred to me to wonder whether you have any song(s) that you like to crank up whilst going about the business of decimating worlds and destroying solar systems. What are they? And what sort of music-playing devices are there to be had in the Twisting Nether?
Hoping you don’t destroy me before I find out the answer!
Alastriona
Azuremyst-US
Excellent question. My top ten world-destroying songs appear below.
1. We Will Rock You (Queen)
2. Summer Overture (Requiem For a Dream soundtrack)
3. Breaking the Habit (Linkin Park)
4. Liberi Fatali (Nobuo Uematsu)
5. Hymn to Red October (Basil Poledouris)
6. I'm Henry the Eighth I Am (Herman's Hermits)
7. Neodammerung (Matrix Revolutions soundtrack)
8. Rockstar (Nickelback)
9. Second Movement, Symphony No. 7 (Ludwig van Beethoven)
10. What a Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong)
As to how I play them, I, uh, put them on my iPod. ;-)
Have a question for Sargeras? Send it in! I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
LOBSMAARP: 97%

## Wednesday, May 13, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which a live antelope is used in an unusual way.

Dear being of inconceivable horror that puny words could not begin to describe,
As you may well know your demonlord Kil'jaeden screwed the pooch (so to speak) on his attempt to take Azeroth. I decided to look up how this encounter went and how the weak, nothing warriors managed to send him back to your realm. Something caught my eye that you should know about. The warriors said Kil'jaeden was quoted as saying:
"The expendible have perished... So be it! Now I shall succeed where Sargeras could not! I will bleed this wretched world and secure my place as the true master of the Burning Legion. The end has come! Let the unraveling of this world commence!" (Source: WoWwiki, Kil'jaeden (tactics))
I assume that your evilness will not allow this to go unpunished. That said, onto my question. Since it seems you are now out both a right and left hand demon (Poor, poor stupid Archimonde), I thought I might apply for the position. I've brushed on my evil and soul reaping, I'm master at killing, and I come up with some pretty good plans about destruction and killing. Like 'Party Hat Tuesday', we would all wear goofy hats while plundering and destroying planets and it's unworthy inhabitants. Food for thought.
-Your future world ending assistant
Yeah, Killy and I had a little chat about that incident afterward (I read WoWWiki too, so this particular comment was especially dumb on his part.) His punishment was...not pleasant. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say it involved a stick of butter, two pounds of sand, a live antelope, and a whole lot of string.
However, there's still an opening for my left hand, so you're free to apply for that if you wish. Killy will be delighted, actually. Up till now I've had to use my right hand for everything, but you know, really I prefer my left hand for bum-scratching.
Sarge -
I was perusing through some old questions pathetic mortals had asked you, and a few questions occurred to me.
1. Is the planetary-destruction field competitive? I was recieving mixed signals, since you helped out an up-and-coming destroyer but ate a planet-eating-planet.
2. Are you hiring? Many people have asked for jobs, but I was unsure as to how to send in my resume. In case this works, here goes:
Terralock, Formerly of the Lich King's Army.
Many years experience in destruction, and a great group member. Works well with people until he destroys them. - Arthas
Great team player - Darion Morgraine
Hero of the alliance - King Chin
I have also inflicted only minimalistic damage on your legion, but wanton destruction seems to be a plus.
So, the dental sucks, but is there a medical included?
Terralock, Muradin.
-Tom
RE: Question 1, it's not competitive except in the most basic sense, namely, that no matter how much stuff you destroy I'm still contractually obligated to obliterate you - nothing personal. Otherwise, you know how people are - they'd be claiming to be destroyers just to get an annihilation exemption. There's no decency left in the world(s)!
RE: Question 2, there does seem to be some competition for the Left Hand title (see above), but don't let that deter you. How are you at bum-scratching? We can arrange a little competition if need be. As for medical, of course it's included. I mean, come on. Would I lie?
Hey man. I havent written in a while, and I just want you to know that I actually took your advice and got the treatment for my... Problem...
"Seek help."
Well, I did. And now I see the error of my ways. Now I'm a top executive of a major American bank( Initials: A.I.G.), and I need to ask you something: Do you want some bailout money? I guilted the government into giving me millions of dollars that I didnt need and now I've got an even bigger Golden Parachute! Well, since I have all of this extra money that I dont need (i want it, but dont need it.), and I think you should get it. Please, tell me if you need it.
Sincerely,
Sir Albert O. Zare (Alozare :D)
P.S. You missed my birthday party. I spent it alone. In rehab. Thanks. Know what? Now you don't get any bailout.
P.P.S. Ok, you can have some.
P.P.S.S. Ai reelapzed.
P.P.P.S. Brink moar droogs
P.P.P.S.S. (PIHIOWFGE*FWQE@Yh3ogh497q3t49y0)_&@)!
P.Q.S. Kthxbai.
P.Q.Q.S.R.E.W.W.o.W. Plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plox plod
NOT sent from my iPod
You know, this actually explains a lot...
Esteemed dark lord,
Please smite me if this has already been asked, but I am very curious about something: how long does it usually take you to annihilate a world?
I ask because on some occasions you seem to destroy planets with incredible speed, obliterating them with a mere wave of your hand or a misplaced sneeze.
But then we have Azeroth. I mean no offense by these words, but hasn't it stood against you for better than 20,000 years? Is that... normal?
I've tried to think of why Azeroth might be harder to smite than your average planet, but my imagination fails me. All Azeroth seems to have fighting you and your vast legions is humans and some elves. As for humans, I am one, and can tell you that *opposing* evil is not one of our strong points.
As for the elves, well, sometimes it seems to us like they're actively abetting you in your attempts to destroy the world. Hopefully, that is.
So what's with the delay? We're getting antsy down here.
Your faithful, delirious servant,
-March
Excellent question. And actually, asking how long it takes to destroy a world is like asking how much Oprah weighs...it all depends on the situation. The key element is how important the planet is to the plotline. If it's completely unimportant (or, better still, non-canon) then any ol' nasal expulsion will do. But if you take a case like Azeroth, well, shoot, there you've got more story entanglements than you can shake a red herring at.
This is nothing to be particularly surprised about...happens all the time. It's called the Red-Shirt Principle. Kirk, who believe-you-me has no special skills to speak of, survives every mission while the people who are actually trained in security get crunched. How long do you think ol' JT would last if he weren't The Protagonist?
And they say villains don't fight fair. Hah!
Got a question? Sargeras knows the answer! Send it in and enjoy a warm fuzzy feeling all day long.
LOBSMAARP: 37%

## Thursday, April 30, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which server names are mocked without good cause.

Hated Dark Titan,
Today I was procrastinating for a while and then I remember a quote from a human you may know whose name was Robert Oppenheimer. He is famous on my planet and maybe you have heard about him, if that's so then I'm sure you remember when he said "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" now my question is
What are your thoughts about that?
Mr. Oppenheimer uttered those words upon witnessing the Earth's first atom bomb explosion in 1945 - an explosion he himself was largely responsible for. Now, an atom bomb contains approximately the same amount of power as I possess in my left pinky finger, which is no small feat, so I suppose I can't blame the fellow for a bit of hyperbole. 20 kilotons here, 20 kilotons there, and pretty soon you're talking about real power.
Of course, Oppenheimer was quoting Krishna, who's destroyed a world or two in his time as well. I'm not sure how happy Krishna is about that, but then the copyright on the Bhagavad Gita did expire twenty-two centuries ago.
Dear Sargeras, Annihilator of All that is Planet-Shaped and Crunchy:
Have you ever had one of those "oh shit" moments right after turning a specific planet into a lifeless shard of blackened earth and immolated ruins? Like, say, you realize after disintegrating the Concubine Gardens of Vagis 5 that you could have instead had the planet's inhabitants enslaved and forced to work for your own insidious purposes rather than simply melting into pools of whore-flavored goo (the best kind amirite) and evaporating in seconds.
Another Unimportant Soul Soon To Be Eradicated
P.S.: Have you ever read George Orwell's 1984? Judging by its intellectual intricacies, I think you'd definitely find it at the very least amusing.
P.P.S.: Sorry about the Vagis 5 pun. I couldn't hold it back.
It's safe to say I get more pleasure from the act of destruction than any miniature female could possibly provide. The only planet I ever regretted destroying was Shaped-Like-Keanu-Reeves-World. Not because it deserved to live, but because I wish I'd taken a screenshot first.
Cause, man. Shaped-Like-Keanu-Reeves-World? It's shaped like Keanu Reeves.
And yes, 1984 is one of my favorite books. Because believe me, I know how annoying a Big Brother can be.
Dark Lord Sargeras, Destroyer of Worlds,
Hey man, I was hoping you could help me out with something. See a couple months ago I was a druid, turning into cats and bears and making flowers grow and calling laser moonlight from the sky, that kind of thing. It was great for awhile, but honestly, after about ten thousand years of it a guy is more than ready for a change, am I right? So I was in the market for something REALLY different when I hear about this guy Arthas in Northrend. It seems he's recruiting to make more Teron Gorefiends, and that dude was a major badass, so I waste no time in signing up.
Let me tell you something. Being dead SUCKS. You have no idea the amount of thread and skin cream I go through just to keep my flesh hanging on my body. When you're alive a papercut is no big deal, heals in a couple days. Dead? That rip in your skin is there forever, and it freaking grows every time you flex your hand. I'm sure you can imagine what the axe cuts are like. Nobody wants me around anymore 'cause of the smell and the bloodworms and bad experiences with my paint chip-eating colleagues. Plus- and this is kind of becoming a concern- I haven't been warm since November. I don't technically sleep but this cold thing is really wearing me out.
And Arthas? That dude tried to use and destroy me. That just ain't cool.
So let me make a long story short. I hear life in the Nether is a lot more interesting and hell at this point I wouldn't mind a little flames and darkness. Do you think you might have an opening for someone with my skills? I'm really getting the hang of this "reaping souls and chaos" thing and I think I could be useful in your organization.
Sincerely,
Mulifein, Death Knight
Feathermoon US
We at the Burning Legion are always accepting applications, and I can well understand how existence as an undead lackey could be a real pain in the - er - everything. (No offense, Arthas!) So, you're welcome to send us a resume.
There's only one problem I see, and that's your server name.
Dude. Feathermoon?
I mean, no offense, I'm sure it's a great realm and all, and Shandris is wicked with her bow, but...
"Feathermoon"?
I'm gonna level with ya, kid - that'll be a tough sell to the Demon Horde.
Incredible Titan Who Occasionally partakes in poetry, coffee, and blogging,
We all know you could destroy the ozone layer, cripple the atmosphere, and kill off the biosphere, but what could you do to the blogosphere?
-Tom.
PS: In one of your comments you mentioned burning legion rock bands. What kind of rock do they play, and could we land a recording or a performance of said band?
What could I do to the blogosphere? I'm doing it right now. ;-)
Yeah, we've got a few bands in the Legion. I wish I could say we represent a diverse range of musical genres, but it's pretty much all Grunge Black Punk Goth Thrash Doom Death Metal. Kil'jaeden has a band called Firehöse, which he apparently thinks is like the coolest name ever. He swears they're huge in Helsinki. *eyeroll*
Well, that's all for this mailbag, little ones! Be sure to tune in tomorrow, same time, same channel. And keep those e-mails coming!

## Wednesday, April 22, 2009

### Ask Sargeras! In which I get sued by NASA.

Hello, Lord Sargeras, bane of all life.
I am Keranx, I'm an enlightened (or as the mortals refer to it as, corrupted) Eredar that has been following you ever since your campaign on Argus. Two questions here, did Azshara ever call back? You know, after the... incident.
Second question, isn't it hard to slaughter and destroy worlds with a shattered/half of a sword?
With love,
Archwarlock Keranx.
Did Azshara call back? Not really. Only thing from her is, once in a while I get these epic eight-minute drunk-dial voicemails. Shit, here's one now, actually. Let me play it back for you:
"Heeeey Sargie! Hahahaha...so listen...no, shut up, I'm calling him! Haha...so y'know my lower half is a snake now..."
Fun fact: if working your gonads requires herpetological expertise, it is not a selling point.
As for my sword, nah, it's better this way actually. My previous sword was - and I'm quoting WoWWiki directly - "semi-sentient." There are a lot of things I look for in a greatsword, but Mensa membership is not one of them.
Dear Destroyer of Worlds,
I was just wondering what coffee do You actually drink. Since it is a Coffee with Sargeras blog...
Do You mill Your own coffee grains? Or maybe You have slaves to do that for You.
Do You like extra foam!?
Please share... I would like to follow Your indisputable taste.
Yours truly
Marzenia
My caffeine preferences cannot be described in mortal language, of course, but I think this comes pretty close. BURNING LEGION SUPER SPICY ULTIMATE COFFEE!!
Dear Fallen Titan,
If you were to die (speaking theoretically, of course), what would you drop for loot?
Sincerely,
Amaralith, Trollbane-US
This.
No, just kidding.
This.
Flaming Leviathan Of Fire, Metal, and Hate, Consumer of Worlds, Destroyer of Life, and Ruiner of azeroth,
What exactly happened at that christmas party?
-Tom
Let me put it this way. When someone reaches out a hand to grab some calamari, you're okay. When someone reaches out a paw to grab some calamari, you're okay. When someone reaches out a tentacle to grab some calamari, it's a bad, bad situation.
C'mon, Yogg. Let's let bygones be bygones. We're not so different, you and I. Apart from that whole "hideously ugly" thing you've got going on.
I'm actually not that good at reconciliation?
Greetings Great One,
I was wondering in all of your trips conquering worlds if you have been near Cybertron. If so, what do you think of the one named Unicron. A robotic planet that eats other planets. I figured if it wasn't for the whole "I could destory planets better than you" fight that would break out, you two could be good buddies, but would destroying something that destroyed other worlds by consuming them give you the ultimate orgasm (which would in turn cause the destruction of even more worlds)?
-A Countless Future Victim
Yes, it did.
Hey, where did you think the Oort Cloud came from?
(Poor, poor Voyager 2...)
O Pernicious Pasha of Pandemonium,
Scar is a villain. The Emperor is a villain (along with most Sith Lords). Dante's Lucifer is a villain. After learning a bit about hinduism, one becomes curious, are these evildoers simply faces of a singular big baddie? If so, are you somehow an image of a hierarchically superior malefactor, or are you, in fact, this masked super-entity? As a being knowledgeable of fundamental natures of existence perhaps you can answer this.
Also, what do you think is the most enjoyable method of geocide/genocide?
Thanks,
Someone-seeking-a-way-out-of-inevitable-destruction-through-existential-query
PS: When you eradicate planets, do you... Jizz. In. Your pants?!
Not in my pants, no.
If you're asking whether I'm some kind of Platonic ideal of evilness, I'm, uh, not really sure? I mean, I look in the mirror, and the face I see is pretty damn evil. But is it all it can be? Is it the paragon of malevolence? The nadir of compassion?
Hard to say. That's why every day is a fresh challenge.
The most enjoyable form of geocide is Exponential Tribble Multiplication. Fuzzy dooooom!
Dear Sargeras,
I'll make this short and painless and ask the question everybody wants, yet nobody dares to ask: Do titan males have penisses and if yes what are your measurements?
Sincerely
Anatomically Curious
I believe one of my readers has answered this one already.
Thanks everybody! Keep those questions coming!
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