2021-09-17 8:06:40 ¶ ●

Okay, I lied. *burns your hand* This is the last post of the night.

This is a thing I thought of, uncreatively called “Jon Reads A Creepypasta”.

Sasha can hardly hold in her laughter as Jon walks in to his office. Tim is trying his best to be disapproving, as it’s not very nice to Jon, but he finds it funny as well.

“Sasha,” says Martin, “what exactly have you done?” Sasha puts a finger over her mouth. Tim rolls her eyes. They hear Jon sigh from inside. It is a very heavy, put-upon, Dramatic Jon sigh. The acoustics are such that the assistants can hear him mutter “how old do they think I am?” Sasha frowns. She’s a little disappointed that Jon realized what the fake statement was so fast. Now he won’t read it.

Then they hear him mutter, “Oh, what the hell…” and click the tape recorder on. “Statement of Anonymous on 4chan, regarding…a hook man. Original statement given 19 June, 2012. Audio recording…” all very drily. Sasha and Tim look at each other in confusion at first, then in hilarity as he continues.

“man & girl go out to drive under moonlight. they stop at on at a side of road. he turn to his girl and say…” Jon’s warm, dry voice puts dramatic intent into every word, as if this is a Stephen King novel and not a terribly written Internet post. Martin, surprisingly, is first to snicker, breaking when Jon does not stumble at “at on at”.

He narrates the conversation between the couple, giving the man a very gruff voice and the woman an…old lady’s voice? Tim guesses he’s going for cartoonish damsel-in-distress.

“so the guy left to get full for the car”, Jon says with the utmost seriousness. Tim breaks into hysterical laughter when he says, “where is my baby” in a frankly ridiculous voice. Sasha soon follows.

It builds from there, Jon’s faux-seriousness bringing them all to tears, to the final words: “man door hand hook car door”, which he says slowly, ominously, as if they are words of power. He lets the final diphthong ring out over the archives, the sound lingering in the air, before saying “statement ends” with a smile that would have been audible if the assistants had not been quite literally rolling on the floor laughing.

Inside the office, Jon smiles. It is easier to not worry about professionalism when you can’t see your coworkers, he muses.

He knows when to give the people what they want. He was a theater kid, after all.

Jon picks up the next real statement and begins to record.