annabelle–cane:
trying to figure out how jon would realistically relate to his queerness is a bit of a never ending conundrum, because, on the one hand, he’s a super emotionally repressed and ashamed person who spends a lot of his arc at turns feverishly adhering to and trying to free himself from a highly gendered performance of class. his instinctive response to feeling vulnerable is to cover up his emotions, deepen his voice, exaggerate his accent, and make it look like he’s above all those weak-willed credulous idiots to disguise the fact that he very much feels like a weak-willed credulous idiot. he’s so used to ignoring his emotions that he can’t even figure out what they are when directly asked by his dearest loved one, and he’s got a, shall we say, Bad relationship to his body and his feelings of ownership over it.
on the other hand, he uses terminology like “male presenting” in his own private notes, he exclusively wears his ex gf’s clothes for two months without batting an eyelid, he has basically no reaction at all to finding out other people in his social circle are queer, he dgaf about experiencing homophobic microaggressions, and his romantic relationship with a man is potentially the only thing in the entire show that he isn’t paranoid about fucking up and losing. to me this paints a picture of a person who has manged to internalize really quite crushing and life-altering queerphobia about everything except, somehow, for his actual queerness. he thinks he’s a lily-livered spineless wimp and an inhuman heartless abomination but that has nothing to do with his biromantic asexuality.
one day i will write a tma au where there’s no supernatural stuff and jon is just visually impaired and records his statements on days when his sight is better so that on days when his sight is worse he can just listen to them instead of having to read them. martin starts recording the ones where the handwriting is a nightmare for jon to read to help out. eventually martin starts leaving cute messages at the end of them for jon to make him feel better because he knows that jon hates having to rely on an accessibility aid. neither of them ever acknowledge the messages ever.
feeling weird feelings about having a post do pretty well notes wise (i mean, nothing that crazy but i’ve been out of fandom for so long that it feels big to me) and now suddenly feeling a pressure to perform. which is bull but it’s strange nonetheless. my academia poisoned brain will surely be doing some weird things with that over the coming days.
i must make the wip more gross and weird. i must make the wip more gross and weird. i must make the wip more gross and weird.
okay, Sunday writing session is a go. Really hate the wip i’m working on currently, think it’s because it doesn’t feel original or ‘me’ enough, but had an idea yesterday that will make it much darker which i think will help me feel a bit more enthusiastic about it. problem is it’s already over 6k whoops. going to start taking out the bits i need to rewrite and then we’ll see where i’m at. also want to dedicate some time today to refining my idea for a longer jonelias fic, but plot is my enemy i don’t know how you people do it.
phew. no longer hate this wip, plus have the majority (if not all) of the major copy edits done. there’s one element that doesn’t fit but i’m trusting future me to figure that out, so now all i have to do is make the prose flow better and i’ll be done! man it really does feel good to have ‘shorter’ projects to work on sometimes.
on to my jonelias wip which… is way too long, need to tighten up the premise i think. it’ll end up being very character driven but i don’t think that’s a bad thing, just… gah, i have such a specific vibe i want from the story and i have no idea how to get there. at least it won’t be as emotionally exhausting as the current wip. curse my inability to plot literally anything.
one of my biggest personal flaws is that whenever i read or write the surname Bouchard i must, under all and any circumstances, pronounce it exactly like jon does in mag 1. this makes reading and writing fic very difficult because i have to exhale through my nose very loudly every single time it happens.
chernozemm:
Have some S1 Jon when his biggest problem was being bored by a statement.
It’s summer, it’s hot down in the archives and Martin just needs to take five for some fresh air. He is fine.
