2023-05-03 3:52:11 ¶ ●

# In honor of the end of my second year of college, here’s a short summary of every short story, book, and play I had to read:

(this is part 2 of this post)

[ trigger warning: mentions of both abortion and rape somewhere in here. Probably also murder. Because yeah these are literature class assignments, what sorta subject matter do you expect? ]

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## short stories

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The Tell-Tale Heart-

Narrator, while killing a guy: I am definitely not crazy.

Cops: hey we heard some noise here, is everything alright?

Narrator: haha yeah I definitely didn’t kill a guy!

Cops: oh that’s good, well have a good night sir!

Narrator:…

Narrator: ok OK you caught me I killed him!! I killed him because his eye was just too weird!!

Cops: I think.. this guy might be crazy.

Rapaccini’s Daughter-

Giovanni: wow that girl next door is so pretty

Beatrice: *touches a lizard, which instantly dies*

Giovanni: that was kinda creepy actually.

Beatrice: *smiles at him*

Giovanni: nevermind she’s still pretty

Bartleby the Scrivener-

Narrator: hey would you mind doing your job for once

Bartleby: I’d prefer not to.

Narrator: that’s fair have a nice day

Lamb to the Slaughter-

Mary’s Husband: so I may have cheated on you…

Mary: oh, that’s perfectly fine

Mary, killing him: I don’t mind at all actually.

The Necklace-

Mathilde: oh no I lost my friend’s diamond necklace!!

Mathilde: *spends the next ten years working to pay off the debt*

Her friend: You idiot. You absolutely buffoon. That necklace was fake.

The Story of an Hour-

Loise: it sure sucks that my husband died, but it doesn’t suck enough to trigger my fatal heart condition

Her husband: ‘Sup! I’m alive!

Louise: Oh no! My heart! *dies*

Hansel and Gretel-

Hansel: wow our parents really hate us don’t they

Gretel: well I mean they abandoned us in the woods so they wouldn’t have to feed us anymore. So. Figure it out for yourself.

Little Red Cap-

Little red-cap: I would absolutely love to murder a wolf.

Rumplestiltskin-

Rumplestiltskin: I bet you’ll never guess my name!

Rumplestiltskin: It’s Rumplestiltskin by the way.

The Queen: is it by any chance Rumplestiltskin?

Rumplestiltskin: asdjkhskl WHAT how did you guess??

The Dog and the Sparrow-

Sparrow: hey please don’t kill my friend Dog over there

Carter: hey how about you shut up. *kills the Dog*

Sparrow:…

Sparrow: I see. So you have chosen Death. *proceeds to torture and kill this man, as he should*

Young Goodman Brown-

Goodman: I had this really weird dream and now I gotta be suspicious of my wife for the rest of my life

The Lottery-

Townspeople: Ritualized murder is fun!!

A Good Man is Hard to Find-

Grandma: you seem like such a sweet young man. Please don’t kill my whole family.

The Misfit, actively killing them: you seem like a sweet old lady. Sorry I’m gonna kill you now. *kills her too*

The Smallest Woman in the World-

Everyone: wow that woman sure is small!

A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings-

Priest: yeah that’s not an angel, that’s just a dude with wings.

Everyone in the town: Shut up— that totally is an angel!

The old man with the wings: *just wants to be left alone. Is Not having a good time*

The Guest-

Daru: On the one hand, ACAB. On the other hand, I don’t condone murder. So it seems I find myself in a moral conundrum.

Hills Like White Elephants-

The girl: I may or may not want an abortion.

The guy: so… which is it?

The girl: guess.

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## books

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Uncle Tom’s Cabin-

Tom: well, after all of the things I’ve been through, I am now dying.

Everyone, including the audience: NO NO don’t you dare die DON’T-

Tom: *dies*

Everyone: *crying, sobbing, screaming, overall not having a very good times*

Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglas-

Frederick Douglas: …and that’s how learning to read and write helped me gain my freedom!

Walden-

Thoreau: I’m not like other girls. I live in the woods.

The Stranger-

Meursault: I killed a guy because it was very hot outside.

The court: The’s the dumbest reason to commit murder we’ve ever heard.

Meursault: huh it seems they’ve given me the death penalty. Why’s they do that? That’s so unfair.

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## plays

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Oleanna-

Carol: hey I see you’ve given me a failing grade.

John: Yes, that’s because you didn’t understand the material. But I can tutor you to help you get a better mark on the final.

Carol: Or, alternatively, I could accuse you of rape and pass by default?

John: wait. what.

Andre’s Mother-

Cal: It sure is tragic that Andre died, isn’t it?

Andre’s Mother: …

Cal: great talk we’ve had here today.

A View from the Bridge-

Eddie: guys, I think Rodolpho is gay.

Everyone: what makes you say that?

Eddie: well he’s just so pretty…

Eddie: …and kissable..

Eddie: y’know. He looks like the sort of guy I’d wanna kiss

Everyone: …

Dutchman-

Lula: hi stranger. I’m gonna aggressively flirt with you now.

Clay: haha well this is kinda weird, but at least you’re not a serial killer or something, right?

Lula, while stabbing him: lmao yeah that would be pretty messed up!

Topdog/Underdog-

Lincoln: hey isn’t it messed up that our parents names us Lincoln and Booth? It’s like they want you to kill me or something—

Booth, killing him: yeah that would be pretty messed up, wouldn’t it?