2021-06-22 2:19:51 ¶ ●

## in honor of the end of high school, here’s a short summary of every book I had to read over the past 4 years:

## 9th grade

A Separate Peace-

Finny: Hi Gene!

Gene: *pushes him out of a tree*

Finny: Ouch. *dies*

Great Expectations-

Pip: I hate Estella

Pip: nevermind she’s pretty

Pip: I like Estella

Pip: but she doesn’t like me!

Pip: she was leading me on this whole time!!

Estella, who constantly told Pip she doesn’t like him: I was what now.

Lord of the Flies-

Ralph: we need to keep order on this island

Jack: but what if we didn’t

Ralph: ok you do you and I’ll do me

*after at least 2 people die*

Ralph and Jack: where did we go wrong

Alice in Wonderland-

Alice: huh wow this sure is a weird land I landed in

The Tempest-

Prospero: Here’s my elaborate revenge scheme on my brother

Prospero: it involves my daughter happily marrying the man she loves

Prospero: and then we all happily return to Italy

Prospero: with my brother facing minimal legal consequences for banishing me.

Prospero: REVENGE!!

Driving Miss Daisy-

Daisy: hi I’m racist

Hoke: but what if you weren’t

Daisy: huh. I never considered that. Thanks.

Pygmalion-

Higgins: I think I’m going to mildly abuse this kid called Eliza

Eliza: huh that sure would suck

Higgins: sucks to be you then. This wouldn’t be happening if you spoke proper English.

Eliza: that doesn’t sound entirely right, but I don’t know enough about proper English to argue.

## 10th grade

To Kill a Mockingbird-

Atticus: in conclusion, this man is undeniably innocent

Jury: Atticus have you considered that this is the south and he’s black?

Jury: *unanimously votes Guilty*

Atticus: literally what is wrong with you.

The Merchant of Venice-

Shylock: in conclusion, I have a legal contract stating I can stab the guy who’s been committing hate crimes against me for years now

Portia: Shylock have you considered that this is 14th century Italy and you’re Jewish?

The court: *forces him to give his possessions away and convert to Christianity*

Shylock: literally what is wrong with you.

The Count of Monte Cristo-

Villefort: In conclusion, you’re clearly innocent and someone’s framing you

Villefort: but have you considered that you now have evidence that my father committed treason and if I don’t send you to jail you might tell someone?

Villefort: *gives Edmond a life sentence in the Chateau d’If*

Edmond: literally what is wrong with you.

## 11th Grade

My Antonia-

Jim: welp I’m an orphan now so I’m gonna move in with my relatives in Nebraska

Jim: *does that*

Jim: welp Nebraska is full of fields and farms.

Jim: guess I gotta learn some farming now.

Fahrenheit 451-

Montag: what if I read a book?

Everything: *goes very wrong*

Montag: oh no.

Twelve Angry Men-

Everyone except for 8: the kid’s guilty

8: but get this

8: what if he’s not

Everyone: *is angry*

Macbeth-

Witches: you’ll be king!

Macbeth: ah so I have to kill the guy who’s currently king?

Witches: … literally when did we say that?

Macbeth: ok he’s dead now.

Huckleberry Finn-

Huck: hey Jim let’s leave this place together!

Jim: ok

Huck, 20 chapters later: I don’t know what’s happening but I have at least 10 aliases now

## Twelfth Grade

The Longest Day-

The World: hey guys who’s up for a Second World War?

Everybody: no please no

The World: oops too late

Beowulf-

Beowulf: I’ll fight all the monsters!!

Everyone: yeah!!

Beowulf: oops a dragon bit me and I’m dead now

Homecoming-

Dicey: wow it sure sucks that our mom abandoned us

Dicey: if only we could find a functional place to live

Nobody:

Dicey: actually yeah I don’t know what I was expecting- no one can afford to take in 4 children in this economy

Raison in the Sun-

Lena: Here’s all the money we have

Lena: be very responsible with it- we need it to buy a house and send your sister to medical school

Walter: oops I lost it all to my sketchy friend who turned out to be a scammer

Lena: literally WHAT DID I JUST SAY??

Antigone-

Antigone: I’m gonna go bury my brother

Creon: ok then I’m gonna go murder you

That one guy: actually if you kill her everything will go very wrong

Creon: I’m gonna kill her anyway.

Everything: *goes wrong*

Creon: If only someone would have warned me!!

Hamlet-

the ghost: go kill your uncle. Avenge my death.

Hamlet: ok

Hamlet: *responsibly verifies the facts*

Hamlet: ok NOW it’s murder time!

Hamlet: *kills the wrong person*

Hamlet: whoops.

The ghost: you had ONE job!!

Death of a Salesman-

Willy: I wanna die

Everyone: ok.

Willy: *kills himself*

Everyone: if only there had been some way to prevent this tragic outcome!

Long day’s Journey into Night-

Edmund: dad I’m dying

James Sr.: hi dying I’m dad

Edmund: that’s not helpful. *proceeds to suffer*

King Lear-

Lear: I’ll divide up my kingdom according to who loves me the most

Goneril and Regan: that would be us

Lear: well since lying wasn’t invented yet I’m going to believe that wholeheartedly.

Pride and Prejudice-

Elizabeth: I hate Darcy

Elizabeth: plus Wickham says he’s the worst

Elizabeth: oh wait Wickham was lying

Elizabeth: oh wait Darcy’s really rich and hot

Elizabeth: nevermind I like Darcy now.