In honor of the end of my second year of college, here’s a short summary of every short story, book, and play I had to read:
(this is part 2 of this post)
[ trigger warning: mentions of both abortion and rape somewhere in here. Probably also murder. Because yeah these are literature class assignments, what sorta subject matter do you expect? ]
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short stories
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The Tell-Tale Heart-
Narrator, while killing a guy: I am definitely not crazy.
Cops: hey we heard some noise here, is everything alright?
Narrator: haha yeah I definitely didn’t kill a guy!
Cops: oh that’s good, well have a good night sir!
Narrator:…
Narrator: ok OK you caught me I killed him!! I killed him because his eye was just too weird!!
Cops: I think.. this guy might be crazy.
Rapaccini’s Daughter-
Giovanni: wow that girl next door is so pretty
Beatrice: *touches a lizard, which instantly dies*
Giovanni: that was kinda creepy actually.
Beatrice: *smiles at him*
Giovanni: nevermind she’s still pretty
Bartleby the Scrivener-
Narrator: hey would you mind doing your job for once
Bartleby: I’d prefer not to.
Narrator: that’s fair have a nice day
Lamb to the Slaughter-
Mary’s Husband: so I may have cheated on you…
Mary: oh, that’s perfectly fine
Mary, killing him: I don’t mind at all actually.
The Necklace-
Mathilde: oh no I lost my friend’s diamond necklace!!
Mathilde: *spends the next ten years working to pay off the debt*
Her friend: You idiot. You absolutely buffoon. That necklace was fake.
The Story of an Hour-
Loise: it sure sucks that my husband died, but it doesn’t suck enough to trigger my fatal heart condition
Her husband: ‘Sup! I’m alive!
Louise: Oh no! My heart! *dies*
Hansel and Gretel-
Hansel: wow our parents really hate us don’t they
Gretel: well I mean they abandoned us in the woods so they wouldn’t have to feed us anymore. So. Figure it out for yourself.
Little Red Cap-
Little red-cap: I would absolutely love to murder a wolf.
Rumplestiltskin-
Rumplestiltskin: I bet you’ll never guess my name!
Rumplestiltskin: It’s Rumplestiltskin by the way.
The Queen: is it by any chance Rumplestiltskin?
Rumplestiltskin: asdjkhskl WHAT how did you guess??
The Dog and the Sparrow-
Sparrow: hey please don’t kill my friend Dog over there
Carter: hey how about you shut up. *kills the Dog*
Sparrow:…
Sparrow: I see. So you have chosen Death. *proceeds to torture and kill this man, as he should*
Young Goodman Brown-
Goodman: I had this really weird dream and now I gotta be suspicious of my wife for the rest of my life
The Lottery-
Townspeople: Ritualized murder is fun!!
A Good Man is Hard to Find-
Grandma: you seem like such a sweet young man. Please don’t kill my whole family.
The Misfit, actively killing them: you seem like a sweet old lady. Sorry I’m gonna kill you now. *kills her too*
The Smallest Woman in the World-
Everyone: wow that woman sure is small!
A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings-
Priest: yeah that’s not an angel, that’s just a dude with wings.
Everyone in the town: Shut up— that totally is an angel!
The old man with the wings: *just wants to be left alone. Is Not having a good time*
The Guest-
Daru: On the one hand, ACAB. On the other hand, I don’t condone murder. So it seems I find myself in a moral conundrum.
Hills Like White Elephants-
The girl: I may or may not want an abortion.
The guy: so… which is it?
The girl: guess.
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books
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Uncle Tom’s Cabin-
Tom: well, after all of the things I’ve been through, I am now dying.
Everyone, including the audience: NO NO don’t you dare die DON’T-
Tom: *dies*
Everyone: *crying, sobbing, screaming, overall not having a very good times*
Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglas-
Frederick Douglas: …and that’s how learning to read and write helped me gain my freedom!
Walden-
Thoreau: I’m not like other girls. I live in the woods.
The Stranger-
Meursault: I killed a guy because it was very hot outside.
The court: The’s the dumbest reason to commit murder we’ve ever heard.
Meursault: huh it seems they’ve given me the death penalty. Why’s they do that? That’s so unfair.
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plays
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Oleanna-
Carol: hey I see you’ve given me a failing grade.
John: Yes, that’s because you didn’t understand the material. But I can tutor you to help you get a better mark on the final.
Carol: Or, alternatively, I could accuse you of rape and pass by default?
John: wait. what.
Andre’s Mother-
Cal: It sure is tragic that Andre died, isn’t it?
Andre’s Mother: …
Cal: great talk we’ve had here today.
A View from the Bridge-
Eddie: guys, I think Rodolpho is gay.
Everyone: what makes you say that?
Eddie: well he’s just so pretty…
Eddie: …and kissable..
Eddie: y’know. He looks like the sort of guy I’d wanna kiss
Everyone: …
Dutchman-
Lula: hi stranger. I’m gonna aggressively flirt with you now.
Clay: haha well this is kinda weird, but at least you’re not a serial killer or something, right?
Lula, while stabbing him: lmao yeah that would be pretty messed up!
Topdog/Underdog-
Lincoln: hey isn’t it messed up that our parents names us Lincoln and Booth? It’s like they want you to kill me or something—
Booth, killing him: yeah that would be pretty messed up, wouldn’t it?