my overall thoughts while watching The Old Guard. They’re in order so I’ll be giving no context for them. Just word for word what I wrote down while watching.

( @sargent-major-jane it was a good movie thank you so much for posting about it)

*MOVIE STARTS*

-Hmm everyone’s already dead.

-I wonder why it’s called The Old Guard

-This looks like a sketchy drug deal or something. Motorcycle dude and backpack girl- no wait it’s not drugs it’s Don Quixote

-Idk what they’re talking about I thought they were immortal not time traveler (<- this was me not realizing just how old these guys are exactly)

-OOH NICE MOVE WITH THE SELFIE SWAP

-Is the girl in charge? IS SHE? … YES SHE IS!!!

-When the guy waved at the sniper dude. THAT was funny.

-”hmmm yes I’ll use my infrared goggles to- oops I’m dead”

-aaaaand they’re dead. Oh well.

-WAIT THAT’S THE SHOT FROM THE OPENING!

-They’re very much not dead.

-I sure hope protagonists’ team kills the other team

-Is she fighting with a fancy ax or something now?

-If cool soldier lady dies I’m not gonna continue watching.

-Didn’t she say Paris? (<- this was resolved about a second after I wrote it)

-Nile would be excellent at Cinema Sins 

-Nile’s in de-NILE hahahahaha

- “what are you gonna do- kill me?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-woah this guy’s poetic (<- the dude who gave the whole love speech)

-I LOVE these guys 

-If it turns out that the Mona Lisa is actually her that would be cool 

-This guy’s a neat antagonist. He doesn’t look intimidating. But he sure loves stabbing people.

-I like this cashier

-If Andy dies that would be tragic, Alexa don’t play despacito

-WAIT. They won’t ALL die, right?? 

-This movie isn’t supposed to be this sad

- Ooooh extra dude’s a traitor! 

-I was wondering when that extra dude would get interesting

- “Your time is coming” “As is yours” Yeah you guys better kill fluffy hair dude

- that dude: “I thought it would be the end of disease” Nile: “ :/ ”

-No Andy. Stop. You’re dying you idiot. 

-WHAT’S WITH THE DRAMATIC MUSIC

-All I want is for Andy or Nile to kill the fluffy hair dude

-Andy you buffoon. Let Nile protect you.

-Nile. Don’t listen to Andy. Go first.

-Oh. Neither went first. Nice compromise 

- “I will kill her!” WILL YOU, FLUFFY HAIR??? WILL YOU??

- YES. THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO END A MOVIE.

-So NOW they’re in Paris. Or at least one of them is.

- OH SHE’S BACK! Is this setting it up for a sequel?

*MOVIE ENDS*