in honor of the end of high school, here’s a short summary of every book I had to read over the past 4 years:
9th grade
A Separate Peace-
Finny: Hi Gene!
Gene: *pushes him out of a tree*
Finny: Ouch. *dies*
Great Expectations-
Pip: I hate Estella
Pip: nevermind she’s pretty
Pip: I like Estella
Pip: but she doesn’t like me!
Pip: she was leading me on this whole time!!
Estella, who constantly told Pip she doesn’t like him: I was what now.
Lord of the Flies-
Ralph: we need to keep order on this island
Jack: but what if we didn’t
Ralph: ok you do you and I’ll do me
*after at least 2 people die*
Ralph and Jack: where did we go wrong
Alice in Wonderland-
Alice: huh wow this sure is a weird land I landed in
The Tempest-
Prospero: Here’s my elaborate revenge scheme on my brother
Prospero: it involves my daughter happily marrying the man she loves
Prospero: and then we all happily return to Italy
Prospero: with my brother facing minimal legal consequences for banishing me.
Prospero: REVENGE!!
Driving Miss Daisy-
Daisy: hi I’m racist
Hoke: but what if you weren’t
Daisy: huh. I never considered that. Thanks.
Pygmalion-
Higgins: I think I’m going to mildly abuse this kid called Eliza
Eliza: huh that sure would suck
Higgins: sucks to be you then. This wouldn’t be happening if you spoke proper English.
Eliza: that doesn’t sound entirely right, but I don’t know enough about proper English to argue.
10th grade
To Kill a Mockingbird-
Atticus: in conclusion, this man is undeniably innocent
Jury: Atticus have you considered that this is the south and he’s black?
Jury: *unanimously votes Guilty*
Atticus: literally what is wrong with you.
The Merchant of Venice-
Shylock: in conclusion, I have a legal contract stating I can stab the guy who’s been committing hate crimes against me for years now
Portia: Shylock have you considered that this is 14th century Italy and you’re Jewish?
The court: *forces him to give his possessions away and convert to Christianity*
Shylock: literally what is wrong with you.
The Count of Monte Cristo-
Villefort: In conclusion, you’re clearly innocent and someone’s framing you
Villefort: but have you considered that you now have evidence that my father committed treason and if I don’t send you to jail you might tell someone?
Villefort: *gives Edmond a life sentence in the Chateau d’If*
Edmond: literally what is wrong with you.
11th Grade
My Antonia-
Jim: welp I’m an orphan now so I’m gonna move in with my relatives in Nebraska
Jim: *does that*
Jim: welp Nebraska is full of fields and farms.
Jim: guess I gotta learn some farming now.
Fahrenheit 451-
Montag: what if I read a book?
Everything: *goes very wrong*
Montag: oh no.
Twelve Angry Men-
Everyone except for 8: the kid’s guilty
8: but get this
8: what if he’s not
Everyone: *is angry*
Macbeth-
Witches: you’ll be king!
Macbeth: ah so I have to kill the guy who’s currently king?
Witches: … literally when did we say that?
Macbeth: ok he’s dead now.
Huckleberry Finn-
Huck: hey Jim let’s leave this place together!
Jim: ok
Huck, 20 chapters later: I don’t know what’s happening but I have at least 10 aliases now
Twelfth Grade
The Longest Day-
The World: hey guys who’s up for a Second World War?
Everybody: no please no
The World: oops too late
Beowulf-
Beowulf: I’ll fight all the monsters!!
Everyone: yeah!!
Beowulf: oops a dragon bit me and I’m dead now
Homecoming-
Dicey: wow it sure sucks that our mom abandoned us
Dicey: if only we could find a functional place to live
Nobody:
Dicey: actually yeah I don’t know what I was expecting- no one can afford to take in 4 children in this economy
Raison in the Sun-
Lena: Here’s all the money we have
Lena: be very responsible with it- we need it to buy a house and send your sister to medical school
Walter: oops I lost it all to my sketchy friend who turned out to be a scammer
Lena: literally WHAT DID I JUST SAY??
Antigone-
Antigone: I’m gonna go bury my brother
Creon: ok then I’m gonna go murder you
That one guy: actually if you kill her everything will go very wrong
Creon: I’m gonna kill her anyway.
Everything: *goes wrong*
Creon: If only someone would have warned me!!
Hamlet-
the ghost: go kill your uncle. Avenge my death.
Hamlet: ok
Hamlet: *responsibly verifies the facts*
Hamlet: ok NOW it’s murder time!
Hamlet: *kills the wrong person*
Hamlet: whoops.
The ghost: you had ONE job!!
Death of a Salesman-
Willy: I wanna die
Everyone: ok.
Willy: *kills himself*
Everyone: if only there had been some way to prevent this tragic outcome!
Long day’s Journey into Night-
Edmund: dad I’m dying
James Sr.: hi dying I’m dad
Edmund: that’s not helpful. *proceeds to suffer*
King Lear-
Lear: I’ll divide up my kingdom according to who loves me the most
Goneril and Regan: that would be us
Lear: well since lying wasn’t invented yet I’m going to believe that wholeheartedly.
Pride and Prejudice-
Elizabeth: I hate Darcy
Elizabeth: plus Wickham says he’s the worst
Elizabeth: oh wait Wickham was lying
Elizabeth: oh wait Darcy’s really rich and hot
Elizabeth: nevermind I like Darcy now.