"the shape of love is a spiral" aha michael distortion simp-(i am immediately taken out)
i was actually thinking somewhere in the realm of “if my ugly had a shape it would be a spiral” (ajj lyric) but i will admit michael did not escape my mind when i said it
MAG 6 is the worm sex episode. That’s just what it is at this point. Anyone on here says “worm sex episode” we all know what they mean.
Do you think the archives gang started calling it the worm sex statement? (Tim says Sasha started it. Sasha insists he did.) And at first Jon continued to refer to it as “Case #0140912” but gave up after about a week because honestly “worm sex statement” was easier. So now everyone’s like “where did we put the worm sex statement” “this reminds me of the worm sex statement” “hey this statement is kind of similar to the worm sex one”
This doesn’t become a problem until Jon says to Elias, “I noticed that this case shares certain similarities to the worm sex statement.”
#53 was Mouth Log by Sidney Gish! And dealer’s choice for character so please enjoy a sad Jon
[Image ID: a pink and green drawing of Jon Sims from The Magnus Archives. Jon is depicted in profile from the waist up in various shades of pink. He is an Indian man with a trimmed beard and long greying hair pulled into a bun. There are small round scars all along the side of his fave. He is wearing a coat and a scarf. He has a lit cigarette in his mouth. The smoke from the cigarette tapers up into a large plume that reaches to the top of the canvas. Above Jon are two boxes with separate images in them.
The first box depicts many green eyes against a dark pink background. All of the eyes are looking at Jon. A text box above reads “Just like a hate-watched series”
The next box depicts several green cassette tapes strewn atop a pink desk. A text box crossing this image reads “I catalogue life dearly”
A third text box overlapping the drawing of Jon smoking reads “dreary how-tos on half-assed self abuse”
Jon’s expression is resigned and sad. End image I.D]
My pitch for the tma Christmas special Jonny and Alex joke about in one of the Q and As is as follows:
Annabelle is the narrator connecting the bits, rhyming “twas the night before Christmas” style
Nikola posing as a mall Santa to scare children. Breekon and Hope are dressed as elves
An eye-alligned statement about a child overcome with paranoia at the thought of Santa watching their every move to determine whether or not they are naughty or nice.
Martin shopping for a gift for Jon but being unable to find anything that can’t be associated with the entities in some way. He is accompanied by the rest of the archival gang (aka Tim, Sasha) who suggests the worst possible gifts on purpose.
A buried themed statement about the terror of Christmas shopping. both the pressure of finding the right gift and the literal sensation of being suffocated by crowds of shoppers
a Christmas carol parody- in which Jon falls asleep at his desk after staying late at work, despite it being Christmas eve. he is greeted by the “Ghosts” of Gertrude, Gerry and…idk Leitner?? all of whom detail the miserable Christmases they’ve had, lost in their work on the entities
Gerry cautions Jon to at least try and enjoy the holidays, Jon wakes up, realizes the true meaning of Christmas, throws his phone into the ocean and starts running towards the airport (or rather, martin), etc etc
avatar holiday party hosted at the institute that goes horribly wrong, set from Rosie’s POV as she watches the chaos unfold.
Melanie at a bar with Daisy and Basira getting Christmas drinks, with Melanie complaining about Georgie being busy. the bit is quick, ending when the trio realizes that the band about to do a cover of The Ramones “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight)” is in fact Grifter’s Bone. insert joke here about not getting a day off on the holidays
The penultimate segment is an episode of What the Ghost! In which Georgie attempts her usual spooky fair, but laments not being able to spend it with Melanie, busy on the grind (mattress ads).
speaking of ads, they’re egregious this episode, finally causing Georgie to break, ranting about how Christmas shouldn’t be the commercial juggernaut it is today, but an honest religious tradition, a simple time to spend with those you love. This last comment has Georgie trailing off, before signing off abruptly, audibly running out of the room
the finale is where all our unrelated bits converge:
Martin, Tim and Sasha go shopping for gifts at the same shopping center where Nikola is terrorizing children
the two statement givers from before are there as well (one is currently being crushed under a fallen display while the other is in line to meet Nikola Claus)
Tim sees Nikola and it’s on SIGHT. the parents are horrified as he destroys the display and violently attacks what they thought was Santa Claus but the kids think he’s a hero
the girls show up from the bar where they may or may not have made a row about a fake fire to get the bar to evacuate, which then escalated into a real fire
Jon and Georgie burst in at almost the exact same moment, awkwardly acknowledge each other, respectfully giving the other the space to have their Big Romantic Hallmark Movie Moment
martin realizes he still hasn’t found a gift for Jon, when Jon says he doesn’t care about trivial material things, he’d be happy if martin had just written him a poem, honestly
martin, who has spent the last month writing about candle-lit windows and sparkling snowfall in the city and the orange glow of streetlights on his boyfriend’s face: uhhhh funny you mention that-
martin’s poem blends in with annabelle’s narration as she addresses us, announcing how she set everything up to happen from the start, it was her all along, also maybe the non-canoncial aspect is explaine by her looking into other realities via the crack in hilltop road. she wishes us all a very scary christmas and launches the tape into the void, presumably to entrap more people into the web’s seasonal scheming
this post is too long and sincere to even constitute a joke and i’m ashamed of it. genuinely apologizing for putting this on your dash. happy holidays.
