you mentioned Jonah Magnus and I'm always going a little bit insane over him. his only options were to either live in fear for the rest of his life, knowing that any attempt at normalcy would only serve to exacerbate that fear, or to take control and put himself above it all, and throw in some agonised bliss. loving others in any capacity, attempting to build something for and of himself that was unrelated to the fears—all of it became an impossibility in the face of an existence he now knew to be teetering on the verge of collapse into eternal suffering.
he makes it clear (as clearly as he will allow himself to show vulnerability) that the decision was not an easy one; "at first, I attempted prevention, but the cause seemed hopeless" is a quick gloss over the excruciating process of realising you're living in the antechamber of hell, just waiting for someone to open the door. that the door will be opened is a certainty; the only question now is who will open it and thence reign alongside the devil. the choice was not between reigning in hell or serving in heaven, but between reigning or suffering in hell. the cost of it became much less relevant once this conclusion had been reached, and, once the choice had been made, there was nothing to do but make peace with it. he was no special kind of evil; he was just another evil in a world shaped by it. it was a decision borne out of pragmatism rather than cruelty; the cruelty was just an inevitability.
so Jonah threw himself willingly into the belly of the beast, as it were.
(this turned out longer than I intended, sorry; I've been longing to talk about Jonah Magnus)
This is amazingly worded and exactly what I was trying to say and more, and I don’t know what I could add except that you’re so right.