February 2021

abduct-me-helen:

r/legaladvice

Posted by u/ebouchard 2 months ago

My husband has embarrassed me at the annual institute holiday party for the last time. I want another divorce.

My husband, soon to be ex-husband if all goes as planned, was leering at an archival assistant the other day. He also had a bit too much to drink, and started talking about various…personal activities that I would’ve preferred be undisclosed. Now, I’ve divorced him before, but this time he seems fit to antagonize me and not sign the papers. Not just that, but he’s also disappeared, which isn’t uncommon but is still frustrating when I’m trying to divorce him. He always gets in a hissy fit when I divorce him, but this time he’s just being petty.

Is there a way to divorce him without needing to track him down in order to have him sign the papers? He’s the captain of a ship and when he gets…petulant, he often sails for a few months before returning to his moorhouse. During these times, it’s notoriously hard to contact him, much less find him.

tl;dr: my husband ran away in an attempt to be petty and now I can’t divorce him. What do I do?

Edit: Please stop making remarks on the healthiness of our relationship. It’s none of your business, and we are perfectly fine.

Edit: We got divorced again since I made the first post.

Edit: We are now remarried again.

crawbed008 3.1k points · 2 weeks ago

    | He always gets in a hissy fit when I divorce him, but this time he’s just being petty.

wait, what do you mean by “always”??

     ebouchard 1.5k points · 2 weeks ago

             whenever I try to divorce him, he acts petulant.

                  sisenore_k 675 points · 2 weeks ago

                          do you divorce him often lmao???

                                    ebouchard 1.2k points · 2 weeks ago

                                        yes.

                          [expand]

getsome_69 352 points · 1 week ago

            op how many times have you two gotten divorced so far

                 ebouchard 2.1k points · 2 weeks ago

                       six, though there were a few we didn’t go through on legally.

                              kokobura2 126 points · 2 weeks ago

                                        SIX??? good god op why do you even keep remarrying

                                              ebouchard 1.5k points · 2 weeks ago

                                                      money.

                                         stonks 782 points · 2 weeks ago

i know op in rl and the real reason is that they’re the    

only people willing to put up with each other

                                                                                  [expand]

r/relationship_advice

Posted by u/bigboyman 1 month ago

I (48M) feel like my husband is very clingy and I’m a person who needs solitude to survive. What should I do?

My husband is always talking to me. I just want to be left alone, but he just keeps on scheming. He’s always ranting about hiding tapes and the watcher’s crown and it is getting tedious having to listen to his, well, words in general.

How should I ask for more space?

poorandtiredbutyolo 2.2k points · 2 weeks ago

I have a clingy partner too, and what I do is set clear boundaries. I also make sure to set time towards my partner outside of those times when I’m alone, like having dinner every night and having movie/games night once a week.

      bigboyman 1.5k points · 2 weeks ago

           I interact with him far less already then I would if I did that.

                   asunachan3 203 points · 2 weeks ago

                        how much do you talk to him?                                   

                                     bigboyman 1.5k points · 2 weeks ago

                                               at least once every three months

asunachan3 203 points · 2 weeks ago

                                                                   and you’re MARRIED?!???

                                                                            bigboyman 1.2k points · 2 weeks ago

I know, it’s a lot. You see why I can’t stand him being so clingy?

[expand]

tania9 421 points · 2 weeks ago

    from reading the replies, I can only assume you hate your husband.

              bigboyman 1k points · 2 weeks ago

                                despise, actually.

[expand]

Pastasauceandspagett 608 points · 1 month ago

      I don’t know how OP could possibly salvage this relationship if they hate each other and only talk every three months.

bigboyman 4.2k points · 1 week ago

                                The wedding is in four days.

 

Allicecarter2002 4.2k points · 1 week ago

                               I thought you were already married??

                                                                      bigboyman 4.2k points · 1 week ago

oh, we got divorced about a week after I made the post and then he proposed again a week after that.

 

                                                                                               [expand]

r/pettyrevenge

Posted by u/notjonnydville 3 weeks ago

I had my archival assistants spit in his tea.

My boss is a huge bastard. He is just, awful. He always looks like you’re amusing him but in that kind of way where he’s looking like you like a meal. He is just a horrible human being. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he killed someone. That’s the kind of person he is.

Anyway, I usually try to keep a professional relationship with my assistants but a few nights ago they invited me to go out for drinks with them and my friend blackmailed me into it. We got hammered. It was a truly…special experience. Ever since then, I’ve been on better terms with them. We even have a groupchat.

The situation goes like this: he’s been ranting to me for the last hour about things I ALREADY KNOW in that pompous, annoying voice of his. Anyway, I texted one of my assistants, I’ll call him M, and M comes in mid rant. I very sternly ask “why haven’t you made [our boss’s name, I’ll refer to him as E] tea yet?”

I kind of put him on the spot and he just stayed there with his jaw dropped. I told him to go make E a cup of tea, so he scurries out.

I wait about 30 seconds and then discretely text the groupchat: “spit in his tea M.”

Anyway, they go absolutely *ballistic* and T, another one of my assistants, sprints halfway across the building (I hear he even knocked into our secretary), just to spit in E’s tea too. My last assistant is a bit wearier but she does it too.

M comes back with the tea and hands it to E before quickly leaving. A few minutes pass and E still hasn’t touched his tea.

So I remind him that M makes very good tea and he’d be disappointed if E didn’t drink it.

There is a quiet battle of wills.

Now, I don’t know how to put this without sounding insane, but our boss…he just *knows* things. He’s psychic, or something like that. There is absolutely NO way he didn’t know the tea was messed with. He knows, he knows I know, and we silently stare at each other without moving.

Finally, *finally*, still making direct eye contact with me, he takes a sip of his tea and purses his lips. I ask him if he isn’t thirsty.

He says he isn’t, and leaves the room. I never did find out what happened to that tea.

tl;dr: I got my archival assistants to spit in my asshole bosses’ tea. It was glorious.

leavemealone 2k points · 2 weeks ago

    holy *shit*, OP, did you ever get in trouble????

           notjonnydville 2.1k points · 2 weeks ago

                   he didn’t have any evidence, so no.

maya_herse331 782 points · 1 week

    did he ever try to get revenge?

           notjonnydville 7.1k points · 2 weeks ago

                   he framed me for murder, but I’m still not sure if that was directly related.

                  [expand]

pronouncingitwang:

hey how do we think love of my life adelard dekker is doing with tim in the Land of the Kayak? i ask this both because i would LOVE to Behold the casual conversation dynamic between mr. adelard “based on his description i would have called it a ‘rave’… but when i said so, he looked at me like i didn’t understand what he was talking about >:/” dekker and timothy “i spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocaine powder :D” stoker, and also bc they are both badasses who blew themselves up to kill an evil fear avatar and i think that’d make for some good bonding moments

spoondrifts:

I just came up with something fucking hilarious please keep reading

what if the magnus institute had spirit week???

a single week where the dress code doesn’t apply (as if it applies to the archival staff anyway) to everyone in the institute. a single week of absolute chaos.

(idk if england even has spirit week but we have it here in america so)

the first day of spirit week is pajama day. Jon comes in with just an old band t shirt because he really hates spirit week and will only slightly participate to keep Tim from harassing him all day. Tim is wearing a full panda onesie. Daisy and Basira have matching slippers. Melanie has a bunch of ghost hunt uk merch on. Martin has normal pajamas. no one expects Elias to participate but then their boss waltzes into work wearing a onesie covered in eyes and slippers with little ships on them, and Tim is affronted.

“Tim,” Jon says tiredly, “please don’t turn this into a competition.”

Tim is, in fact, turning it into a competition.

the next day is 80s fashion, which means Tim comes in wearing ray bans and a fanny pack and a jean jacket and is confident he’s won this round, when Elias comes in wearing shit like this:

and Tim almost loses it. almost.

everyone else realizes it’s funnier to watch the ensuing drama than actually try to dress up for spirit week themselves. Jon, relieved that the pressure is off of him, returns to his sweater vests.

wednesday’s theme is colorful. Tim wears a shirt covered in rainbows, some weird baggy pants that are a painful neon green and printed with vibrant palm trees, rainbow socks, and white shoes that he splatters with violent pink and yellow paint. he’s sitting at his desk, smug as hell, and everyone is actually doubting Elias’ ability to match Tim, until Martin runs into the archives and says, shaken, “Elias is here.”

Tim’s jaw falls open.

Elias’ hair is dyed bright blue. scattered on every patch of visible skin are painted green eyes. his suit is so pink it hurts to look at. his tie is covered in purple and orange stripes that clash horrifically. his dark blue pants are absolutely covered in glow-in-the-dark spiral patterns. his shoes glow and pulse with rainbow lights as he walks. and to top everything off, he has a full-body rainbow cape draped over his shoulders.

the archival staff can only gawk in faint terror.

“Good morning,” Elias says, then turns and walks into his office.

oh boy. ohoh. Tim cannot let this injustice stand. he will reign triumphant and Elias will fall into ruin, crushed beneath Tim’s raw fashion sense. it’s a flawless goal. Jon quietly dumps thirty sugar packets into his tea.

for thursday, the theme is twins, which requires a partner.

“No,” Jon, Basira, Martin, and Daisy say at the same time.

“Fuck yeah,” Melanie says.

Tim doesn’t think Elias even has anyone to match with, but he’s still not taking any chances. he and Melanie end up wearing clout glasses, fluffy pink boas, and matching What the Ghost merchandise.

“Who’s Elias matching with?” Tim asks at work on thursday.

Jon looks pained. “You’ll see.”

Elias struts into work hanging off of Peter Lukas’ arm, and they are identical. they’re both in full sea captain gear, with matching hats and badges and even shoe brand. they both have wedding rings on their hands. somehow, against literally everything, Elias had gotten Peter to shave his beard and style his hair to perfectly match Elias’. Tim wants to scream.

“This is my husband,” Elias says, not a flicker of emotion on his face. “Peter, won’t you say hi?”

Peter looks uncomfortable and miserable and Tim feels a sharp stab of satisfaction. then, apparently having served his purpose of antagonizing Tim, Peter hastily says goodbye and vanishes into thin air.

Tim is. very VERY close to giving up.

but it’s friday and he has one last chance. friday is meme day.

“Elias doesn’t even know what memes are,” Tim stresses, a manic note in his voice, as Martin absently nods along. “He’s an old man! He’s got no clue!”

Martin politely does not bring up the fact that Jon looks older than Elias and still knows what a meme is.

friday goes like this

Tim, on a skateboard, rolling around the institute: I don’t know what the fuck just happened, but I don’t really care, I'mma get the fuck up outta here, fuck this shit I’m out

Tim: wait what the fuck

Elias, a piece of paper with the words ‘barbecue sauce’ on it taped to his chest, smug: so I’m standing there, barbecue sauce on my titties

Tim: WHAT THE FUCK

Daisy, lifting Jon above her head effortlessly: thiS BITCH EMPTY-

Jon, screaming: I did not consent to the yeet

Melanie, filming: this is going on the official institute website

(anyway. elias used his beholding powers to know exactly how to piss tim off every single day. the eye revokes his avatarship for several weeks after this debacle and the institute no longer has a spirit week)

Jon, staring up at the unblinking sky: Hey, Ceaseless Watcher! I’ve got a question

Ceaseless Watcher: 👀👀👀!!!!!!👀👀👀?????

Jon:  W̶̧̨̗͔͓͚̮͔̊̆̓̉̽͊̀̕ͅh̴̢͚͎̲̲̬̿͊͝͠ͅy̴̢̧͍̲̝̻̟̥̝̎͆́͜ ̸̻͚̻͚̫̋̕ͅa̵͕̰̗͙̬̠̗͆͌ͅŗ̷̹̬̟̘̪̪̻͇̀̊͗̈́̌̈e̷̡̨̛̥̬̜͔̻̫̫͛̏̋̑͗̂̃̀͐ ̷̪̲͈̍̽̌̉̂͒͒͜y̸͚̖̹̪̜̻͒̀̅̀͊͌̉̒͛ͅơ̴͙͓͎͖͕̻͂̔͊̓͐͐͘ư̴̩͉͇̹̯͙̗̩̆͗͊̔̔̈́͘ ̵͉̜͆s̴̨̩͈̜̜̯̱̞̹̦͋̂̀̄̉͂ư̸̠̺͙̺̩̤̜̩̹̍͒̑̓́̎͊̈c̶̟̤̥̙͔̀̒h̴͎͚͖̼̽̏̓̿̕ ̸̧̘̝̱̠̣̘̫̟̈̎̈́a̸̡͚̯̲̣͖̭̜͋͋̂̓̏̅͜ ̷̢̨̛͗̎͑͐͘ļ̵̪̫͕̩̯̻̻̓̽̔̈̑͂̕i̵͉̝͓͙͎̹̒̂̕t̶̡̩̥̣̗̣̗̩̣͇̔t̷̜̺̒̾̊̑̓̆̚ḽ̶͓̠̦̪̮̭̮͇̓̆ȩ̶̥̰̯͕͓̖͈̥͇̑́́͑͆̓̀̋͝ ̶̞͊͗́́b̸̢͓̝͕́͑i̶̭͔̇̏̇͑̍̇́̃͠t̴̙̝̥̼͔̥̻͗̎͒̿̀̽c̷̗̺̿̅̎͆̚h̶̗̹̫͇̍̇̐̓̈́̉́͆̽?̵̞͊͠

Ceaseless Watcher : ≖_≖ ≖_≖ ≖_≖

andhumanslovedstories:

WHY IS EVERYONE SO MAD AT JON ALL THE TIME. HE COULD NOT HAVE LESS POWER OVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES EVERYONE HAS FOUND THEM IN. HE WAKES UP FROM A SIX MONTH COMA AND EVERYONE IS LIKE “DID YOU HAVE A NICE NAP YOU FUCKING LOSER”

lesbianshepard:

funniest statements from the magnus archives in no particular order: 

• spiders, but they hate you personally
• that one guy who was paid to keep a clearly fucked up coffin in his living room and just decided to fucking ignore the weird shit. (king)
• band that is so bad at music that you die
• a pile of worms stole my phone and texted my coworkers
• man who admits he killed another man because he had a spooky vampire name
• guy who felt the need to just dunk on this one guy for 10 minutes because he was a shitty drug mule. he also got his bones stolen. this is only mentioned at the very end.
• twink with knife hands (cool)
• Two random men walked in and stole my shipping company
• fucked up monsters taking an anatomy class but are very polite and on time so its cool and sort of endearing. 
• jon talking about how he has childhood trauma about an evil spider monster. only funny because i’m binge listening to this podcast and last week listened to him make fun of how stupid the idea of an evil spider monster is
• bone stealing man shows up again and opens a gym to help people get fucking shredded. 
• the plumber who shows up to the middle of a creepy monster circus in the middle of the night, looks at the pipes overflowing with blood, goes “there’s your problem” and just fucking pulls out a mass of flesh and then…leaves.
• they literally just let him leave 
• monsters have to invite him back to try and kill him again because he was so unfazed the first time

questbedhead:

questbedhead:

no spoilers but I’m in the tma early access chat and discussion of the episode fully stopped for like ten minutes because Anil dropped the bomb that in the official show notes they spell it ‘John’

Why do they do these spellings to us

Elias in the Magnus Institute, waiting for the sky to start looking back at him, but Jon is full from Peter’s statement and is too busy talking about cows with his boyfriend to bring forth the apocalypse: 

Because I enjoy imagining crack-ish scenarios for the horror/tragedy media in my life — and I remain an absolute sucker for time travel — I invite you to picture, for just a moment, the utter chaos that would ensue if a later seasons Jon somehow found himself back in the early Season 1 archive. 

To be clear, this is stuffy academic, supernatural skeptic, really doesn’t know what a social life is Jonathan Sims being replaced by The (Chaotic) Archivist. Due to a series of incredibly convenient events worthy of a soap opera (Jon is wearing gloves that hide his burned hand, Sasha is off in another department to retrieve something, etc.) it takes a surprisingly long time for him to figure out that this is not his archive and them that this is not their Jon. During that time, various people witness such insane events as: 

• Jon kissing Martin, wherein he expires on the spot
• Calling their boss an eldritch bastard with a passion that honestly scares them
• Pulling what appears to be a real human rib out of his bag, like that is in any way a normal thing to possess, let alone be carrying around 
• Asking for a statement like it’s his next hit (it is) 
• Banging on the wall and yelling for someone named Helen 
• Muttering continuously about how the world is going to end. Again. For the third time this month

Tim, for Reasons™, mostly hears about this insanity secondhand, but is absolutely living for a feral Jonathan Sims. You say he got hair extensions over the weekend? He’s smoking again? He asked Martin to get him Starbucks? He’s witnessing his boss have a midlife crisis in his 30s and it’s everything he never knew he wanted. 

…Right up until Tim actually makes an appearance, wherein Jon bursts into tears and starts begging for forgiveness. Tim just mechanically pats Jon’s head with an internal monologue of what the fuck what the fuck what the actual fuck is happening

Bonus comedy sad times: Jon, pointing at a Sasha, “The hell is that.” 

innocet:

I don’t think we talk enough about how funny mag 92 is

The episode starts. With Elias calling the police like he’s ordering a pizza. He then reads a letter from his dead ex-boyfriend and casually mentions he keeps his bones in his office. (Why. Why would you do this.) Then he says some spooky shit about how Jon Should See People As Disposable, Actually. Jon comes in having the WORST DAY OF HIS FUCKING LIFE. He almost got fucking killed TWICE and then was immediately dragged to help his would-be murderer kill his boss. He tries to use the powers he only recently realized he had on Elias, only for Elias to be weirdly horny about it. Melanie is here. She only MARGINALLY knows what’s happening. Martin has to confront that the police are murderers for the first time. Tim is already going through it. Elias confesses to two murders. He gives basira a job but make it spooky. Then he gives Jon some vague as shit answers and says something along the lines of Being Human Is Overrated before sending him on a wild goose chase around the world to stop the evil mannequins from doing a puppet show. What part of that isn’t hilarious

alittleoptimistic:

everyone go home this is the funniest thing I’ve ever drawn.

bigowlenergy:

Daisy: Did you kill that old man?

Jon, looking her dead in the eyes: if I killed Jurgen Leitner, you would know. Everyone would know. I would never shut up about it. It would be the only line on my resume for the rest of my career. I would have shirts printed that say ‘I killed Jurgen Leitner’ and -

Daisy: Okay, god fuck fine you’re innocent.

Jon: and pissed about it.

Some poor statement giver: So… what’s the best way to avoid the supernatural? 

Jon: Well, putting aside for a moment the simple fact that such encounters are often unavoidable, surely knowledge is our greatest weapon. The ability to record, analyze, prepare, even in a limited capacity. It doesn’t hurt that I have powers granted to me by—

Tim: Axe 

Jon: S-sorry? 

Tim: AXE 

Basira: Gun

Melanie: Knife

Daisy: Bigger knife 

Martin: Fire extinguishers. And tea!  

Gertrude, rising from the grave: An absolute shit-ton of explosives 

Jon: … 

randomitemdrop:

shiftythrifting:

Look at this horror show on shopgoodwill https://www.shopgoodwill.com/Item/113602331

Doll Made out of Stuffing and Buttons

Item: some poor warlock’s failed practice Homunculus. Its many eyes can see anything everywhere ever but it can only communicate through twitching and muffled screams