“How is it that an avatar of the Lonely never shuts up?”
“Perhaps it’s the same reason why the Archivist is so often steeped in denial?”
Jon bit hard into his lower lip, resisting the urge to squawk. Of course, despite all the unwanted information that was flowing into his head nowadays, the one thing the Eye wouldn’t tell him was when Elias Bloody Bouchard had snuck up behind him. Jon turned to find him casually looming, hands folded behind his back.
“There’s always been a touch of contradiction in the avatars,” he continued, looking around the office. “Something to do with our latent humanity, I suspect. Still, I am… sorry if your meeting with Peter was trying.”
Jon scowled. “You know how it went.” He Knew that Elias Knew—a dizzying feedback loop that reminded Jon too much of one of Michael’s doors. He ruthlessly pushed the feeling aside.
“Nevertheless.”
“Why do we even put up with him? The Lukases?” A distinct whine had crept into his voice, but Jon was too tired to care. Seated behind his desk, Elias keeping a professionally appropriate distance between them, he could almost believe things were still simple and a personal visit from his boss, mentor—idol, really—was enough to lighten Jon’s whole week. He kept his eyes (all eyes) on the swirls in the wood, drifting for just a moment in that tantalizing taste of normalcy.
Elias’ tut slammed Jon back into reality. “You know they’re donors.”
“But the Lonely? Aren’t they—I don’t know. The Eye’s antithesis?”
Just like that the disappointment was gone and in its place was the sharp, almost gleeful look Elias bestowed on him whenever Jon Knew something he shouldn’t. He shrank back, grinding his teeth, but he felt an explanation slipping out anyway. There was no compulsion, Jon had simply never been able to resist backing up a point.
How had Georgie put it? Ah yes, ‘Stubbornness personified.’
“I simply mean,” he went on, ignoring Elias’ curious head tilt, “that we’re, you know, all about knowing things.” Oh, well put, Jon. He ignored the heat creeping up into his ears. “Knowing people, I mean. Judging them. Revealing their secrets and putting all that they are under a relentless spotlight. Being alone all the time…” Jon grasped at the words, hands waving. “You’re never alone with the Eye and we can’t See without providing some kind of companionship as a byproduct. No matter how warped it might be,” he finished with a mutter.
Elias hummed low in his throat, considering. “Tell me, Jon, have you ever felt lonely in a crowded room?”
“…yes.”
“Would you perhaps say that you felt more alone in the company of others, knowing that you are fundamentally disconnected from them, than you would if you’d been isolated, your failure to form a meaningful relationship no longer obvious—justified, even?”
Elias spread his hands. They both knew the answer to that. “You’d be ever so surprised how many of the Lonely’s domains are overcrowded and how much isolation can feed our own patron. As I said, Jon: contradictions.”
He’d crossed the office at some point during the conversation, though Jon couldn’t have said when. Elias leaned his hands on the desk, mere inches from Jon’s, and he couldn’t help but admire that they were not shaking, not clenched tight in distress. They were not pale from lack of food and sleepless nights, the nails were not bitten down to their quick, nor were there splashes of ink from hurried, frantic writings. For just a flash, Jon wanted all that Elias wasn’t.
“Have you?” he whispered. “Ever felt lonely, I mean?” Jon didn’t know where the question had come from. Perhaps the same place that wanted a monster to define his humanity.
He could hear the smile in Elias’ voice when he said, “Why of course, Jon. Many, many times. Though not since, oh… April 6th, 2011? Thereabouts, I’d say.”
The date threw him in its specificity, but then, maybe when he became as used to this as Elias, Jon would be able to recall such specifics too.
It took him a moment to realize he’d thought “when” rather than “if.”
And it wasn’t until Elias’ hand slid atop his, almost punishing in its grip, that Jon’s sluggish mind recognized the date as the day he’d come to the Institute.
Contradictions, he thought, allowing his fingers to grip back.
Jonelias thought of the day is that Elias must come across as so stuffy and boring to those at the Institute - which, you know, very much helps hide his true nature - but as an avatar of the Eye and a man determined to avoid the End, Elias is someone whose entire being revolves around the interplay of knowledge and experiences. He’s compelled to Know it all and his efforts to avoid death invite him to Experience it all too, a fascinating combination of passive observer and, by virtue of being a 200+ year-old in search of true immortality, an active participant too. This is a man whose longevity and thirst for knowledge invites an obsession with life that contradicts the ‘Sits in his office doing nothing but spreadsheets all day’ image he’s learned to cultivate. (Though, to be clear, he does love the spreadsheets.) And I don’t just mean “obsession with life” in the sense of him avoiding the finality of death, but actually loving the act of being alive.
I think a lot of what the fandom (rightly) jokes about in regards to his characterization is a reflection of that obsession. Elias has a relationship with Peter Lukas that goes far beyond the cold practicality of an alliance, hinting at a romance (if you steer towards a LonelyEyes reading), or just Elias’ desire to still be able to place bets with someone while he’s trying to end the world. Similarly, his powers ensure that he’s never truly alone - if he dies, he takes the rest of the Archive with him - forever supplying him with a warped companionship that doesn’t threaten him like he perceives he was threatened as Jonah Magnus, with his acquaintances working to complete their own rituals. In true Beholding style, he’s got the heart of a fucked-up scientist who’s endlessly curious about the world around him: 'Oooh what happens if I let my friend waste away in the Lonely?’ He shows up at Jon’s birthday party not just to secretly gloat and keep an eye on things (ha), but because he legitimately wants cake. Who wouldn’t want cake? What’s the point of living forever if you can’t have cake?? Well, for an avatar the exquisite sweetness of fear is just as good, but my point stands. Beyond his fear of death, that enjoyment is at the heart of Elias’ goal, with Jon describing his experience as the Pupil as a kind of agonized bliss and Elias confirming this by saying he was having the most wonderful dream. Morality aside, he likes interacting with the horror of the Entities, something we saw all the way back during the “[PLEASURED EXHALATION]” scene. Learning new things feels good. Experiencing news things is enjoyable. Learning and experiencing Bad Things is especially nice given his patron. Consistently, Elias’ setbacks are met with interest, or a mild annoyance that then eventually settles into satisfaction because they are also new experiences for him and the Eye: going to jail, getting to psychologically torture Martin, having his own secrets exposed. There’s a lot throughout the series to imply that Elias enjoys watching Jon become the Key, not just because it means he’s succeeding in his goals, but because there’s genuine interest and pride in seeing him “grow” by Elias’ standards. The repetition of “our world,” “our patron,” etc. implies a connection; the intention to experience this new world with another, to enjoy it rather than simply exist in it for the mere sake of existence. Elias is a man whose entire essence boils down to, “I NEED TO KNOW ALL THE THINGS, EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING, AND LIVE FOREVER WHILE ACHIEVING THAT, TO UNDERSTAND IT ALL SO I CAN CONTROL IT ALL AND HAVE A DAMN GOOD TIME IN THE PROCESS, EVEN WHILE I SUCCUMB TO THE PRIMAL FEAR THAT DRIVES ME I WILL PARADOXICALLY EMBRACE IT, AND YEAH THAT’S LARGELY BECAUSE I SERVE THE LITERAL GOD OF JUDGY SURVEILLANCE BUT ALSO THAT’S JUST ME.”
So anyway, I keep thinking about how this characterization could intersect with S1-2 Jon: prickly, awkward, semi-isolated, desperate to be recognized by someone whose authority he believes in. AKA the boss who, at an unprecedented young age, rose to the top of the Institute they both work at, perceived by those around him as far less interesting than he actually is. Parallels, anyone? Imagine Jon getting to really talk to Elias, realizing how much he has to offer after 200 years of life (though of course he doesn’t know that), and just constantly being blindsided by not just the knowledge, but the enthusiasm for everything he’s learned and been through - the good and the horrifyingly awful that, despite himself, Jon is equally drawn to. Elias recognizes every quote Jon drops into a conversation and has another witty line to pair it with. He doesn’t just indulge his nerdy rambles, but participates in them. He’s refined in all the ways that Jon expects - books, opera, music, etc. - and also casually drops in references to acid trips and fucking orgies. Imagine an early series Jon who forms a strong bond with Elias outside of the web (ha x2) he’s been weaving, becoming dependent on his friendship and just a little bit completely in love. Elias is inherently fascinating, but he’s also just Some Guy, and the combination of that is just perfect for a necrotic Archivist who simultaneously wants to be guided by his 'betters’ and prove that he’s an equal. Why Elias would be interested in turn barely needs stating: Jon is literally Elias’ everything, in a horrifyingly tragic and like, Gothic Romance sense? What would that kind of relationship have changed? It would have likely made Elias’ job even easier, but what about Jon?
…I’m not saying that Jon’s drive to protect humanity would have been warped into something tragically dangerous if he’d first come to see his intelligent, complex, shockingly kind (from his nonexistent self-esteem POV), secretly-an-eldritch-monster boss as the epitome of humanity… but I’m also not saying it couldn’t have!
I haven’t read a whole lot of TMA fic, so I’m sure this already exists somewhere, but I really want a time travel fic where Jon goes back to Gertrude’s era.
So it’s 2007-ish, before his younger counterpart has started working at the Institute, but years into Elias and Gertrude’s tenure. They’re having a normal day serving the semi-omniscient fear god when a fucking full-fledged avatar of the Beholding - complete with a small mountain of tapes - falls through a rift in space-time and crash lands on Gertrude’s desk.
(Season 5 Jon might have decided not to kill Helen and instead used her to get here. If he ever sees her again they’re going to have A Talk™ about her choice of transportation.)
For the record, a hot mess of a man falling from the sky indoors is only like… the eighth most interesting thing to happen to Gertrude this week. Still, it’s clear he’s not entirely human - one gets a sense for these things, even without a giant eyeball’s help - and she’s got a knife on him faster than you can say “Statement.” This doesn’t seem to faze the man.
That annoys the fuck out of Gertrude.
Meanwhile, Elias has nearly passed out from the supernatural alarm bells going off in his head because the Ceaseless Watcher’s special little boy is here!!! What does that mean? Hell if he knows, but this man is ALIGHT with the Entities’ marks, just dripping with the power of the Eye, and Elias finds he has the sudden urge to drop to his knees before this stranger, something he’s only ever done post-Watcher’s Crown.
(This might be a Jonlias fic, whoops.)
Elias, seeing The Archivist for the first time: 😍😍😍😍😍
Gertrude, seeing The Archivist for the first time: 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪
So after introductions Jon is all, “Yes, I’m an eldritch monster that’s forced to feed off the trauma of others, but I’m your eldritch monster. Please, Gertrude, I’d like nothing more than to carve out Magnus’ heart with you so he can’t destroy the whole fucking world.”
Elias, suddenly experiencing true fear for the first time in decades, feeding the Eye and being fed in turn and basically entering a feedback loop where this powerful stranger threatening to murder him is the hottest thing he’s ever Seen: !!!!! 💖💞😱!!!!!🤩😊💚!!!!!
And at first Gertrude’s like hell no, not having any more goddamn avatars in my archives thank you, but then the trio passes young intern Sasha James (shhh don’t worry if that fits the timeline) and Jon looses it. The hold that the Stranger had on him in his original timeline has broken and he’s able to recognize this as the real Sasha - her face, her voice, her very panicked looks towards her bosses as this random man sobs into her shoulder. And Gertrude’s like dammit, clearly The Archivist still has some of his humanity left. No true Fear monster would ever willingly be that embarrassing.
After prying Jon away from Sasha and promising her a raise to avoid any HR reports, they get the whole long, traumatic story out of him, but any plans to just permanently kill Elias kinda… sputter out. It’s a little bit of a Web thing, a little bit of a time travel thing, and a little bit of Jon just feeling… wrong when he considers it, no matter what he’s told Gertrude. It’s similar to when he let Annabelle live, though Elias has done absolutely fuck-all to earn his mercy. This confuses Jon, though it’s pretty far down on his list of worries.
The good news is that Jon’s mere presence puts a permanent wrench in Elias’ plans. He’s never going to repeat the ritual to open the door, obviously, and good fucking luck marking another archivist while he’s Watching. Given Jon’s suspicions that he became semi-immortal after waking from his coma, he’ll be Watching a damn long time, you megalomaniacal bastard.
The bad news is that since Elias can no longer plot an intricate manipulation, he’s decided that the next best thing is to just convince Jon to bring about the end of the world willingly.
By wooing him.
Elias: “We can be Kings of a ruined world together, Jon~”
Gertrude: “I am not paid enough for this.”
So begins the office romance comedy of Jon’s nightmares, where instead of hating him for ruining his world domination plans, Elias is smitten - in a suave, very creepy kinda way - and has decided that he’ll simply wait Jon out, wearing him down until the inevitable day when he realizes that they were meant to be. A full-fledged Archivist was dropped into his lap, ranting about how he out-foxed a future version of Elias, tormented by his own monstrosity, and people expected his narcissistic ass to not fall head over heels with his own creation?? As if.
Jon is Not Having A Good Time.
Originally when he landed here he was all, “Where is my Martin whom I love so dearly? Where is the support and companionship that I crave?” But after ‘bumping into’ him a few times outside the Institute, Jon comes to the bitter conclusion that whatever connection they had is gone. He recalls Martin’s firm belief that they never would have become a couple without all the trauma they’d been through and though this time around Jon definitely doesn’t hate him… he doesn’t love him either. Oh, he loves that he exists, seeing Martin whole and blissfully ignorant of the Fears helps heal something in Jon, but it takes him a very long time to admit that he’s too nice. Too caring. Too tentative in his insecurity. Jon grinds his teeth and admits in the privacy of his own thoughts that he was attracted to a bastard version of Martin, one who showed off a little bit of his own monstrosity, was connected to his own domain, could cut just as cruelly with his words as Jon could with his powers… Meeting with him now over coffee, inches away, Jon has never felt farther from him. This Martin simply isn’t a part of the world that created Jon.
Good, he decides and firmly steers Martin away from the Institute. Thanks to some blackmail and Peter Lukas’s money, Martin finds himself with a caretaker for his mom and the promise of a full ride through whatever creative writing program he can get into.
Meanwhile, Elias is of course stalking and spying on Jon whenever he can, doing the metaphorical equivalent of doodling hearts in his notebook whenever he catches a glimpse of why Jon no longer connects with Martin. He’s a bastard avatar with shitty morals and, frankly, far better taste in poetry. Open your third eyes, Jon!!
Gertrude, who avoided sacrificing Michael after a stern talking to from Jon: “You sure you don’t want the Spiral to eat you, kid? Anything’s better than watching this clusterfuck.”
Michael: 🙃🙃🙃
After a while the Institute settles into a new kind of normal. Jon, Gertrude, and Michael defend the archives from the slew of enemies they’ve both amassed, stopping the occasional ritual in their free time. Jon has long come to the conclusion that the Fears couldn’t have originated here - not with the Eye being unable to see its own creation - so starving them in this reality at the expense of their world wouldn’t serve the greater good. The best they can do is continually contain them - which they’ve gotten real good at. Elias continues to bother Jon with a fervor that’s almost admirable (he can see how this guy managed plans for upwards of 200 years) and waffles between playing the Mysterious Boss archetype that he’d used on Jon the first time around, and just giving in to the utter adoration he feels whenever Jon is in the room. It’s clear he’s long since started worshiping Jon rather than the Eye and the Eye is… totally fine with that?
Gertrude: “How did you get the Ceaseless Watcher to treat you like a favored child?”
Jon: Trauma?? 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
After seeing how much happier Martin is, Jon guides the rest of his former assistants away from the Institute, Sasha included. It helps, a little, but it also makes him even more isolated than he was the first time around.
Gertrude realizes this, so when Elias’ flirting - “I’ve found a fresh statement for you, Jon. Oh do stop glaring, it’s just a bit of chloroform. She’ll wake up soon. You can’t be satisfied with stale writings for forever” - starts inducing more fond annoyance than fear or horror, she becomes #Concerned.
Gertrude: “You realize that desensitizing you to his actions was the point all along, right?”
Jon: “Mmhm. But is it still manipulation if I know it’s manipulation?”
Gertrude: “You cannot possibly be considering this.”
Jon: “Would it help if I admitted that dating Elias wouldn’t be the worst decision I’ve ever made?”
Gertrude: “NO.”
The thing is, Jon liked Elias before he revealed himself to be an immortal body-snatcher hell-bent on creating… well, hell on Earth. He liked the soft academic exterior, his careful words, love of organization and attention to detail, the dry humor, cutting intellect, those suits that likely cost more than three months of his salary combined… In fact, Jon is now in a place to vividly remember the embarrassment he felt while interviewing for the archivist’s position, too busy avoiding looking at Elias’ lips to catch the hungry glint in his eye.
Of course, that Elias only exists as a veneer… though what was Jon’s “I’m just a normal man going grocery shopping, please ignore my scars and aborted grab as I resist demanding a statement from you” if not a veneer of its own? Where did their ‘real’ selves begin and their conscious choices end? The most awful thing about all this is that Elias is right. Oh, not about them being Kings of a ruined world, but about how no one but another avatar can truly understand an avatar. By this point Jon is years past his coma, fully at peace - or at least, as at peace as he’ll ever get - with the fact that he chose to live as a monster rather than die as a human. That means Knowing things at his leisure… though he tries not to catch anything private. It means Compelling others to provide him with more knowledge… though he’s careful with his questions around friends. It means Feeding off of others’ worst moments in life… though Jon restricts himself to statements that Gertrude has collected first, so that he never haunts anyone’s dreams. And it means spending the majority of his time with other monsters and monster-aligned allies… though Jon plants his feet firmly in his human morals and refuses to budge.
If he can navigate all that, why not this too?
Elias has said more than once that he would make Jon the worst version of himself - said with such glee and promise as to almost, almost sound like something Jon wants. Jon figures that the worst version of Elias, from his perspective, would be to look a bit more human.
“We can bring out the worst in each other,” he agrees one day, followed by a shark-like grin.
Elias hasn’t the faintest idea what he’s just gotten himself into.
And that feels wonderful. Manipulating him into being a marginally better person who doesn’t bring about the apocalypse might actually be more satisfying than stabbing him. The Elias of Jon’s original timeline would have HATED this and that makes Jon do a happy little wiggle whenever he thinks about it.
Gertrude: “You’re leashing a fucking dragon, Sims.”
Jon: “Better than letting it roam free.”
Gertrude: “Just so long as he doesn’t chew through the reins.”
Jon: “Yeah well, I’ll be the first one burned if that happens” and he holds up his charred hand with a shrug.
So begins the most messed up courting ritual the world has ever seen. Do they work as a couple? Oddly enough, yes. Amazingly well, in fact. Is it a healthy relationship? LOL yeah right. But then that’s rather the point. Jon gave up on that the day he acknowledged that, yes, a part of him liked being the most powerful being roaming a hellish landscape - liked not being vulnerable for once. Back when he’d first joined the Institute, post-breakup with Georgie, Jon couldn’t even imagine someone liking him enough to grab a drink after work. He’s past pretending that having the cult-like devotion of a lover, the favor of a Fear god, and the grudging respect of everything else that goes bump in the night isn’t really fucking nice.
Sometimes Elias plays the part of a compassionate human for Jon, as a treat. Sometimes Jon let’s Elias bask in another’s terror, as a treat. Sometimes Jon is Jonathan Sims and sometimes he’s The Archivist. “Let’s rule a burned-out world together” becomes a staple request in their relationship, with Jon always giving Elias the equivalent of a pat on the head and a, “Sure, honey. Maybe next week.” They find something like balance that way.
Plus there’s Gertrude, perpetually in the shadows with an arsenal of weaponry and the promise to obliterate them both if they ever go too far. She reminds Jon of his grandmother when she threatens to fuck them up in the afterlife if they ever make her kill them.
Something, something, dysfunctional eldritch found families are beautiful?
Jon and Elias have achieved something akin to an uncanny, domestic bliss when Elias points out that this body won’t last forever…
Jon Does Not Like the idea of Elias kidnapping another innocent.
However…
Jon: “You know Jurgen Leitner is living in the Institute’s tunnels, right?”
And they lived ever after. The “happily” is highly subjective.
Bonus:
Post-apocalypse!Jon meeting with Original!Jon to warn him away from the Institute, painfully thin ever since his coma, hip-length hair streaked unnaturally white, a slew of scars covering every available bit of skin, the slightest green glow behind his eyes, somehow looking supremely confident and powerful while also embodying the most Awkward Academic you’ve ever seen: Hey.
Og!Jon: G-good lord!
Jon: It’s okay. You can say ‘fuck.’ Please say ‘fuck,’ Jon. We deserve it.
I’m re-listening to TMA and I CANNOT get over the 180 Jon does in “Page Turner.” We’re four episodes in and the last three have been spent building up Jon as the cliched skeptic who takes a Rational™ approach to his supernatural job, thank you very much. Oh, you encountered a meat puppet trying to lure you into an alleyway? Sure you did, Mr. Drunk As a Skunk. My hometown is housing moaning coffins that dislike being used as coffee tables? Uh huh, says the self-identified drug addict. Oh, the woman who saw the Not!Them didn’t have injuries severe enough to induce hallucinations? Alright, fine, but I’m sure there’s some explanation for all this. I am Jonathan Stuffy Sims and I will NOT be cowed by a bunch of unverifiable superstitions.
So by now the listener is pretty used to this format. Creepy statement, skeptical Jon, just enough ambiguity to set up the eventual reveal that all this is true. We know how these stories go. Jon will get blindsided by the revelation in like… a season? Maybe two? Poor guy is gonna be so shocked, being a skeptic and all smh 😔
BUT THEN MAG4 slams in with the post-statement to end all post-statements. Jon comes out swinging and just fucking decks the listener with “If I never hear the name Jurgen Leitner again it will be too soon.” Oh, you thought the ominous book collector would be news to him, something else to dismiss? SIKE. He already hates Leitner, all his homies hate Leitner, Leitner is an established Supernatural Threat and god dammit, I thought we’d already dealt with this back in 1994. What was Gertrude thinking? We need to stop the spread of evil ozone books immediately. I’m taking this up with Elias, I’m taking it to the TOP, because if we don’t keep the clearly undead woman and her heat-averse son from spreading more fucked-up novels around we are all DOOMED. What’s that? There was Sanskrit written on her flayed corpse? Oh, of course there was because organizing this archive wasn’t ENOUGH of a challenge!!
And then in future statements Jon goes right back to, “The supernatural? I do not see it 😌”
All of which is WAY more fucked up and compelling than the traditional skeptic. Jon is a mess. Truly the most character of all time.
