Thinking about Jonathan Simms.
Thinking about how Martin’s so silly with his all being surprised about Jon, when the whole 198, 199, and 200 Jon is definitely using his “I feel guilty, time to sacrifice myself to save the world” voice like. Of course Jon was going to eschew the plan and sacrifice himself anyway. Of course. That’s why he apologized sincerely to all of them in the hallway after they make their plan. He knows he will betray them all one last time.
Thinking about how none of the other survivors really understand Jon. How none of them realize that deep down just how used Jon feels. He didn’t want to end the world, Jonah Magnus laid the groundwork for him as a child. It was inevitable, and Jon could do nothing about it. The description in 199 he gives to Martin of how it felt to read the words… even Martin when he was being led astray by Peter wasn’t quite this violently used.
Thinking about how it’s eerily similar, the guilt Jon has, to how someone feels after a sexual assault. That horrible inability to escape it. That it happened to you, and you could do nothing about it, and you just have to keep living with that body. And it’s tragic that no one took the time to understand how hurt he was over it all. They all had their preconceived visions of what Jon was and missed the core of Jon’s hurt and that’s why the series had to end like this. Because Jon needed to take his power back and this was the only way he knew how.
Thinking about how Basira and Melanie and Georgie and even Martin in those final moments talk about “we all make mistakes” but Jon didn’t make mistakes he was used and this distinction is so critical and they all miss it and god it kills me to hear him. He’s really just a shell of himself through most of S5 but particularly so in those last few episodes leading up to 200. That intro scene is the most fire Jon’s had since…. since the coma really.
Thinking about how when Martin throws out another “how much of you is even left now” its such a horrible take because it just makes Jon into this ‘other’ thing… like is Martin even in love with Jon? The eye is in him, sure, but Jon didn’t change or become different. The fears have always been marking him, using him for their own ends, that’s why Jonah picked Jon in the first place. How Jon’s truly been used by all the fears (which he has) so of course Jon isn’t going to come out of this okay.
Thinking about the slight wavering crack in Jon’s voice, even as the Eye takes hold of him, trying to convince Martin “It’s still me, I’m still Jon” trying desperately to believe it himself. And the reality is that he is still Jon. This is always who Jon has been - someone on the edge of monstrous, and when you’re standing on the edge all it takes is a push to fall.