out of the many tragic parts of martin blackwood’s life, I cannot even imagine how gutted I would be to discover my controversially older crush was actually younger than me.
wait lowkey this has made me feel bad for him. even me.
anytime we hear martin talk about his flaws it just feels like that “well, im a real workaholic 😅☝️” kinda thing you get when asked about weaknesses at a job interview
You may think it cruel but when a white witch pisses me off I go through her etsy listings for native bird feathers and forward it to fish and wildlife services
so you’re telling me one of the characters in wake up dead man is a formerly beloved author who, after the culmination of his wildly popular fiction series, has been radicalized online by right-wing conspiracy theorists, has abandoned his successful writing career in favor of spending all of his time on social media (and what little writing he does put out on his substack is praised only by his staunchest supporters), and is SO convinced that everyone’s out to get him that he’s dug a literal moat around his (distinctly castle-shaped) house?
Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Rafael all lived and worked in Northern Italy. It would make more sense if the Ninja Turtles loved risotto instead of pizza.
Risotto isn’t something you can get delivered to a sewer
should i post my tma character tit headcannons or is the world not ready for that yet.. is that too weird…
martin: sombre tit.
these are notably solitary (Lonely) birds, and they’re pretty easy to overlook. they can be territorial with a mate (he’s jealous…), and are relatively bold due to their size. they have “elaborate courtship rituals”, such as getting stuck in The Lonely because of your evil boss and needing your non-evil boss to get you out. they’re classed as least concern (martin’s lowkey doing the best out of all of them the whole time.)
tim: cinereous tit.
these are loud and vocal birds, and they’re typically social and active and alert and sometimes aggressive. (s3 tim. tho he was kinda valid) they were previously defined as subspecies of great tits (tim being defined by danny and then subsequently danny’s death)
sasha: willow tit.
they face pretty extreme population decline (like sasha…) due to habitat loss (like sasha having to run back to her original ‘habitat’ of artifact storage and going 'extinct’ for it. they’re one of the few to excavate their own tree holes for a nest. (remember this…) they’re quiet, often overlooked birds
not!sasha: marsh tit.
these are kinda hard to tell apart from willow tits (were assumed to be the same species for ages) and are also more common, in the same way that the not!sasha gets more frequent lines in the podcast than sasha herself, and that while sasha herself is irreplaceable the entity has like duplicates or those like it - therefore being more common in the world.
they habitate pre-existing tree holes rather than creating smth of their own. (like those that were created by willow tits… 🤫 like exploiting everything sasha had set up and built for herself….🤫)
not!sasha: masked booby (looks similar to sasha. engages in ‘antagonistic displays’)
John: peruvian booby (related to + cucked by tim)
martin: brown booby (only child. can be acting in ways sometimes considered parasitic. forced into an unsuited colder habitat.)
oh and before i forget…
martin: i lowkey think martin’s one of those cis dudes that just kinda doesn’t have tits. like he’s not concave or anything but there’s just kinda nothing extra there in the slightest.
tim: tim is one of those cis guys that does lowkey have big tits (combination of genes + weight + potentially he took hrt for a bit in collage just for fun) and also he wants people to know it. those shirts are NOT staying buttoned up as soon as he leaves the workplace bro like he’s literally undoing them as he walks out the door
sasha: probably abt a B cup and she seeks out bras with stars or flowers or bug designs on them because she thinks that’s cool as hell. the insect themed ones get less use by the end of s1 😨
not!sasha: exactly like sasha but they’re flipped somehow. like they’ve switched sides.
elias: another cis guy with very little to work with in that department. he has chest hair tho that’s slightly greying and that has a slight patch missing from when og elias was smoking weed shirtless and dropped the blunt and was too high to react appropriately and now there’s just a little patch of scar tissue there and there’s just abruptly no hair there. elias hides this. (not that he’d be shirtless at work obviously but i mean like he very quickly changes the subject if it’s pointed out during sex)
jared: i reckon jared hopworth gets top surgery recreationally. he does it on himself for the practice and then grows his own tits back by mindpower just however he likes. he’s got those fuckass cartoony chainsaw style scars but like legit irl because of how much scar tissue there is in the area. he’s very proud of this.
breekon and hope have one boob each and it’s on opposite sides so there’s a complete set when they hug.
melanie: mel uses kt type that she buys in bulk and usually wears for like a week or so without switching. (not for dysphoria reasons or anything, its just a real hassle) she stopped doing this in her slaughter era because the whole process of changing it would just frustrate her and she’d start making stupid mistakes like forgetting to use nipple covers and like id imagine that a little bit of pain (like from improper removal) would be tolerable or cathartic in that situation but she does NOT want to risk tearing her nipples off or anything so she took a break for a bit and then obvs the world ended sooooo….
gerry: eye tats over his nipples because he really wants to at some point have the opportunity to go “erm… my eyes are down here ☝️” this has not happened yet because he’s never been in a situation where this could possibly apply as a line. he just doesn’t really take his top off that often and it’s a really weird line to say during sex and he 100% would not manage to pull off the vibe so he’s been disappointed so far in this regard. who could’ve seen that coming…
john: i don’t think john’s ever measured because i don’t think he’s ever needed to buy a bra (i think he went straight from like training/sports bras to binders) and like why else would he rlly. i reckon he wears the xl full tank black spectrum binder (tho he grew up w underworks and got kinda attached) and can’t rlly fully hide his chest even w the layering he uses. this works better in winter because obvs the archives are cold, but i think he’d be relatively ambivalent about his body atp and after being a passing but visible trans man for so long so like he does not have a problem with being clocked wearing a binder in like summer and stuff he’s chill w wearing just a shirt when it’s hot even if his binder doesn’t compress all that much. that said tho i don’t think he’s gone a day without wearing his binder in like a decade. he doesn’t actively seek out overbinding but if there are people around he WILL be wearing it he does not gaf. all this to say i reckon his are pretty big because i reckon he’s lowkey pretty chubby
if you have another character you wanna hear from then you’ve gotta send me an ask abt it 😇 ask me anything you wanna send me asks sooooo bad…
lowkey like i don’t believe the whole thing of like martin haters hating him because he’s some like profound extension of themselves making them look to deeply at what it means to be known and loved or whatever, but i do actually hate martin more than the others even tho it’s unjustified because like lowkey he’s what i could’ve been if i was a weirdo loser in a bad way rather than being a weirdo loser in a good way. ive gotta hate him to keep me in line tbh if i ever get tempted to relate to martin i know what i have to change
Ragebaiting my fat dog? More like master baiting my fat hog!!!!!!!!
❗️Great Hog is displeased by this.
The kingly pig looks taken aback by this statement. “You claim to be ‘baiting’ our kind?.. A master of it, no less - after all the trust we hsve placed in you?”
- Your relationship with the Hog Society 🐖 is now Unfavourable.
eps 169 and 172 (that we know of) and it’s established in episode 173 that this is not necessary at all to get john out of his statement haze and that you can in fact rouse him just as quickly without causing harm at all. (presumably by gently shaking him or something but it’s unclear exactly what martin does) martin is notably unapologetic about hitting his boyfriend each time. and it took him abt 5 seconds to get to a point where he was entirely comfortable with the idea of hitting his boyfriend even in a situation where there are plenty of alternatives and plenty of time to test these alternatives (referring to 172 here specifically because id give him more grace if it happened just once while he was panicking about jude. even if he didn’t seem that panicked.)
i literally don’t understand how no-one except me seems to ever notice this 😭 like not even judgementally im just so baffled by it like can someone pls explain if they have any theories on why they missed it because like it was lowkey soooo jarring for me 😨
Does Martin and Jon even have canon races or did the fandom just decide that they were those races?
they do not have canon races or ethnicities as far as im aware. martin allegedly speaks polish and latin (badly) but that’s the closest thing to any ethnicity for either of them that i can remember. correct me if im wrong tho pls
Not a Martin hater but like not a Martin lover either he's. Like. There's not really anything to him yk? I don't particularly care for TMA anymore but he didn't really have much fluff to him.
anyway switch jonah magnus forever and ever. i will never be persuaded that The Curious Guy who is immortal is an exclusive dom . or an exclusive top for that matter.
curiosity doesn’t necessarily translate to wanting to experiment in the bedroom. also who is even there he’d trust enough to dom him?? we are talking about the man who made sure everyone knew that everything he did was of his own free will and he wasn’t controlled at any moment
why do you feel the need to “um actually” people’s posts that you disagree with? are you not capable of going “ugh they’re fucking stupid” like in private rather than to their faces?
and also—then who is there that he’d trust to sub for him? objectively, unless you’re Not Actually Doing Kink But Instead Sexually Assaulting Someone, the sub has a lot more control over the situation.
I’m allowed to disagree with people? what 💀
right and that still is a vulnerable enough situation to require trust from everyone participating and for them to feel safe.
lowkey like i don’t think the concept of being dominated is something he’d be particularly curious about (because like im sure he can fathom it in a nonsexual setting enough to extrapolate from that) BUT i do really think he’d be a switch in terms of top/bottom as long as he can restrain/blindfold/maintain power advantage in some other way over his power. i don’t see him willingly giving up control or making himself vulnerable in a fantasy scenario but i do think he’d very much enjoy someone trying (and failing) to put him in that position yknow 🔥
Generally speaking reblogging someone's post where they're having fun with a headcanon to be like 'uh no i don't think that so its wrong' is kinda crappy. You are free to disagree with whatever you want but if they're not hurting anyone just like. Scroll on by. Better for everyone's experience.
whenever anyone reblogs my posts to be like ‘uh no you’re wrong’ i say things such as “yay!” and “yippee!” because i like discussion and i like interaction. if y'all think im wrong send me hate
my only argument for your boob post is Martin most definitely has boobs. His sheepish admission of "I'm not the smallest guy" + being described as "positively roomy". Both Alex and Jonny I think have said they imagine him as a bigger guy. Implies he's either fat (at LEAST chubby) or kinda buff. But he seems rather insecure about it in a way that wouldn't make a lot of sense for the latter. Point is he would most likely have at least Some boob, fat or muscle. Unless none of his weight goes to his tits
idk maybe he’s just like tall or smth idk 🥀 ive never seen him as insecure abt his body either like i just don’t see that, especially when he has so much else that he could be insecure about
idk me personally i hc him as having issues with food because like he’s clearly in bad financial situation and he’d feel a lot of guilt over spending money on food for himself rather than his mother and also like i reckon he’d be into the control he gets from going without eating and also like just the idea of his own issues personifying in a way that people can see (because like he does want that as an option even if he also doesn’t want it to happen) so i just lowkey don’t see that for him. plus like you can be fat and have like zero tits - i meant that proportionally to his body i think he has like noticeably little breast tissue
I saw someone write about why they hate martin and it’s because he’s written as a “white saviour” for jon. first of all, jon has no canonical race and second, jon saves martin just as much. baffling
if this is abt me i hate martin for entirely unrelated reasons and i was talking about fandom portrayals of characters and how i think it’s interesting that characters who are granted more humanity by the fandom in podcasts without confirmed races (including malevolent when the fandom gives him a race) are more often portrayed as white. you’re mixing up a lot of my posts there to make something i never said ?😭
Was scrolling on Tumblr like usual and saw an ENTIRE blog of people hating on Martin and….
I honestly completely forgot that some people just dislike and/or hate Martin Blackwood. It was frankly jarring seeing it out in the wild for myself, I found the blog was on my FYP page?? and since me personally I LOVE him, he’s my blorbo, my son, my kin, my hehrgrgrggrgrgheh
not a blog of people it’s a blog of person and that person is me 😇
i mean yeah i do think that his disconnect from people can naturally make him more snappy and abrasive when he does begin to integrate back into society (esp like with the worlds most evil boss and his situationship) and therefore be worse with people just by sheer nature of being so out of practice and having spent so long only centering himself and fully having to only worry about himself at all.
sort of a situation that he could easily take advantage of as this is an environment where he can feel morally righteous for not really caring about other people, which i do think could’ve been part of the reason he was so susceptible.
and therefore, after spending so long being encouraged and justified to act on his desires to ignore others and only focus on himself, it’s obviously hard for him to come back from that, and especially because i really don’t think he’d actually want to.
I just opened tumblr for a five minute break from The Paper (tm), and the first thing I saw was the ginormous Jon-supportive rant in the tags of that Magnus Archives post and I wanna thank you for putting that on my timeline <3
haha you’re very welcome!! what can I say I don’t think I’m even halfway through s5 yet and already I want to get up on my soapbox to defend Jon
because like. what do you mean he genuinely says “thank you for not hitting me this time.” like no we are not here acting like martin not being physically abusive this time when he’s already being icky about the whole statement thing is him doing you a favour. even if we wanted to say that avatars have a high pain threshold etc (which we haven’t even seen with Eye avatars, or at least with Jon, he just heals), it still doesn’t make it right.
there are some allowances for the intense amounts of trauma everyone has been going through and particularly how associations between the Eye and Jonah would extend to Jon with the whole feeling of being trapped and used and things like that. but Jon is visibly trying to cling onto whatever remains of his humanity and that is being used against him?? because it’s incredibly human to want revenge on the ones like Jude Perry that not only hurt you but also marked you in a way that made you become this, and then be torn about whether the smiting rule applies to all avatars. Oliver Banks didn’t hurt Jon, and while he technically did mark him, he still brought Jon back. Simon Fairchild wasn’t the one who Vast-marked Jon, that was Mike Crew. And all he really did to Martin was act on Peter’s behalf to tell him about the Extinction. But Jon isn’t allowed to show that humanity, and he isn’t allowed to be a ‘monster’ (record the overspills of a boiling pot of an entire earth of fear) either. Yet again, just like so many instances in his life, (dare I say ever since being Web marked at eight), he doesn’t have a choice. Perhaps the only choice he truly gets to make is right at the end.
The Jon and Martin relationship has a lot of issues caused by their respective traumas and worldviews, as established in season 5. But one frankly important issue that stems from the very way of their functioning is that Martin is the kind of person to whom “caring for someone” is tending to them (like a mother would), and sitting them down and listening to them talk about their problems. Meanwhile Jon is very self-sufficient, and as good as he might be at identifying other people’s problems, is completely awful at talking about himself and finds it hard to open up. Tell me how are they meant to get along in this situation
waitttt elaborate because like i lowkey didn’t think martin was the type to listen to anyone’s problems at all by s5….
Was scrolling on Tumblr like usual and saw an ENTIRE blog of people hating on Martin and….
I honestly completely forgot that some people just dislike and/or hate Martin Blackwood. It was frankly jarring seeing it out in the wild for myself, I found the blog was on my FYP page?? and since me personally I LOVE him, he’s my blorbo, my son, my kin, my hehrgrgrggrgrgheh
not a blog of people it’s a blog of person and that person is me 😇
Yeah that’s what I sorta meant? I meant like you, the blogger, and the people who send you the asks, reblog the posts sharing their own opinions, etc and I was referring to you and other fellow Martin haters as a whole
also oh shit you found my blog, uhm wow, really is a small world
community 🔥 sometimes they stick around for my oc posting..that’s the only real reason i do this 🤫
