All those little differences (that do not matter… right?)
Written for @jonmartinweek
Day 7 - Growing Old Together
Martin and Jon escaped to the Scottish countryside leaving the past behind as a bad dream with a bright future right in front of them. The happy future they will be able to spend together. Because they are meant to be together. Truly made for each other. Yes they have a few differences and different worldview ideas but nothing they could not overcome… right?
…
It is evening and Martin is sitting in front of a fireplace. It is not lit as it is not really that cold yet but that is not the point because – it is a real fireplace! Who would have guessed? Martin used to dream what it would be like to live somewhere in the country, in a cosy cottage, far away from civilization, just him and the love of his life cuddled together with a cup of tea. He has always considered this vision of retirement silly and childish and unrealistic. He has never imagined reality could come so close to it…
(Well especially not the way it came to be true. He thinks of Tim, he tries to think of Sasha, he thinks of the empty feeling of loneliness and of the bits of fog which still cling in the corner of his vision sometimes. He would trade his dream in a second if it could undo all that happened, he would-)
Martin takes a deep breath. The smell of hot freshly made tea set on the table calms him down. He sits on the couch, notebook open as he plans to write down some poetry. Jon left a few minutes ago, it was his turn to go get the groceries and he insisted that he can manage it alone and that Martin should get a moment for himself and just relax.
(Martin is getting less and less anxious leaving Jon out of his sight. He made real progress from the panic attacks he kept getting the first few times after escaping the Lonely whenever Jon went to another room for more than a minute or two.)
It has been a few weeks since they ran away from the Magnus Institute and went into hiding in the idyllic Scottish countryside. And Martin should probably feel less happy after all those horror they went through. And he does feel a bit guilty but also he is the happiest he has ever been. How could he not?
His silly childish dream came true and he is here with the man he loves. With the man he wants to grow old with. With the man he will get to happily spend the rest of his (hopefully not as short as appeared only a few weeks ago) life.
They are not a perfect match but they are still made for each other. Jon might have not always seen it but Martin has never had any doubts about it. Yes there are little things they do not agree one but no one is perfect. They will learn to work around their differences. They have the rest of their lives to figure it all out? There are not so many things in which they differ, are there?
Martin does not even realize how convulsively he has been clutching the pen until it makes a cracking sound. He drops it surprise as he cannot even pinpoint when exactly has he started tightening his grip? Where has this anxious feeling come from after all he has been just thinking about a happy future awaiting Martin and Jon, why is he having doubts…?
(That is why he is afraid of staying alone; he just keeps getting these silly thoughts. But that is all, they are just silly thoughts, there is not so much disagreement between them, there are not so many things they disagree, there really is not!!)
“So? Do you like it?” Martin cannot help himself and ask. He has not much trust in his cooking skill overall (he never cooks for anyone but his mother and she always made a point to complain about his cooking… as she was complaining about everything he did.)
Memories start flooding Martin’s mind. Well sure, he knows they happen to have their differences and different opinions and expectations like the time he cooked for Jon for the first time…
“Yes, it tastes great. Just maybe… less salt?”
“Ah, sure, sorry,” Martin really tried to even use less than he usually does. And he really thought he gained fully back all the senses, the Lonely numbing down. But then again Jon could simply prefer less salt in general. People just do have slightly different tastes sometimes. He will try to think of it next time.
“No problem. You are a really great cook.” Jon smiles and a warm feeling floods Martin’s chest as he is still not fully used to Jon looking at him with so much love in his eyes. He does not believe he ever will.
“It is probably just because I bought most of the things on the local market. Everything tastes much better when one is using fresh ingredients.”
“Well… it is possible he will stay here for a while so maybe you can even start your own garden?” Jon suggests and Martin happily nods.
“Yes I have been thinking the same. Do you know, I’ve always wanted to live in the country? I’ve been living in London my whole life barely ever getting to leave it. It is so beautiful around here isn’t it?” And he wants to share his excitement with Jon but then he does the thing he tends to do sometimes. He frowns, just for a second and almost opens his mouth before quickly closing it again. One could have easily missed it. Martin would not notice if he had not known him so well. And then Jon just smiles and nods pretending a shadow of some different feeling has never been there.
“Yes… it is nice.”
“Is it Jon?” Martin raises his eyebrows letting him know he did catch his dishonesty. He avoids his look and shifts on his seat slightly uncomfortable.
“I mean… I like the city. To be honest I’ve never been much of a fan of nature,” Jon shrugs and Martin’s heart sinks a bit. It is probably easy to see on his face as well because Jon adds a bit too quickly: “But I think I can get used to it.”
“No. I mean it is fine. We do not have to live here forever? We can… well first we need to decide what we will do, we have not even heard from Basira yet but eventually I mean… ” Martin starts rambling because he does love the idea of living here. Or somewhere else in the countryside, close to nature, being outside and breathing fresh air, farming their own food.
(He tries to push away the feeling of betrayal because Jon seems like he does like the place, he finds the cows cute as well, so why does he not like the idea of living in a place like this?)
But, uh, of course, Martin would not mind moving back to a city as well? He could do it for Jon. He would not mind it as long as he would be with Jon.
Martin tries to wave the memory away. It is silly. It was silly to have such a conversation, Jon was right in fact that it is probably too soon to plan for retirement. And as long as they are together it does not matter where they will be. What do they know what the future might bring?
“Calm down Martin. Do not worry about it. There is no reason to think about it now is there? Do not worry over it… it is probably just because of the sudden change? I will get used to it,” he says with determination in his voice and Martin wants to tell him that he does not really want Jon having to ‘get used to it’ just because of Martin. Or that their present and future is too uncertain to start planning anything because Martin does want to start making plans. He likes having some dreams he can focus on. Something to look forward to. When he finally has someone he can plan a future with for real and not just in his dreams…
(What do they know what things will find them, who will find them, what is Elias planning, what other things are still after them-)
Martin takes a deep breath. He pushes those thoughts away. He should not worry himself. What has he been about to do? Ah, yes the poetry. Where is the pen? Ah, right he has dropped it…
Maybe Jon really grows to like nature and peace and all the beauty of the countryside. And it is not like they were here right now because they picked this spot. It is just temporally, just for a bit and there will be time and place to choose a place where they can grow old together.
And so what if Jon will always prefer the city while Martin likes the country. It is not such a big deal. It is not! It really is not! It is just a little detail. Nothing to prevent them from having a happy future together so he should really stop thinking about it.
They are on a walk and Jon is taking about a millionth photo of Martin with a cow when he takes notice of a little black spot on the roof of a nearby barn. All together both Martin and cows are left forgotten by Jon as all his attention is suddenly fully focused on a black cat and how to lure it down so he can pet it.
Of course there also was the time they went for a walk…
Sooner than Martin manages to say goodbye to the cow and join Jon he is already petting the little black creature. How has he even done that? Is he a cat magnet?
“Making friends?” Martin grins just being happy from seeing Jon so happy. Jon murmurs something in agreement much more focused on giving scratches to the cat. And Martin starts pulling out his own phone to take some photos of Jon being this content.
But then the question comes.
“What if we got a cat?” Jon turns towards him, eyes full of excitement and hope Martin has not seen him to have for a while. It makes it that much harder to deliver him the news.
“I… I am actually allergic to cats.”
“Ah… nevermind then.” Jon really does quite a good job at hiding his disappointment. Martin’s stomach twists with guilt.
“But we still can! I mean the allergy is not deadly. Just you know the regular scratching in the throat and stuff… just little things. I would not mind. I bet there are some pills I could be taking? Probably?”
Jon sighs and after saying goodbye to his new furry friend as he gets up and turns his back on the black cat to face Martin. He reaches his hand towards him stroking his hair and cheek in a comforting gesture.
“It is fine. Really… I could not do that to you.” Martin takes the hand Jon left on Martin’s cheek and he gives it a kiss. It is not really fine. Jon loves cats and Martin hates the idea of taking away the chance of getting one. (It is not like they were roommates just for a while, they will be spending the rest of their lives together; he could not steal this away from him.) Even though… Jon seems to be fond of other animals too. Like cows. Maybe they could find a compromise?
“What if we got a dog?” he suggests, hopeful he has found an ideal solution for their problem. The look on Jon’s face immediately tells him he has not.
“I am not really a dog person… but I mean we could? If you want to?” Martin has actually always wanted a dog. A little house in the country with its own garden and person he loves and happy dog has always been the picture that came to his mind when someone asked what his ideal life would be like. But really the dog does not seem like such a big deal and it would be unfair if he has got to have his dream pet when Jon could not have his. And so he just smiles and shakes his head.
“Oh, no. No, it is fine. It was just an idea.” Jon looks like he does not fully trust him and so he quickly changes the subject, “We should buy some cat treats. So you can at least befriend every cat in the neighbourhood.”
“Ah yes, great idea. I will make all of their owners come to me with complaints that I am spoiling them.”
And Jon tries to joke and smile but Martin still can clearly see how sad he is. That this has not been just a spontaneous idea but that he has been probably thinking about it for a while and he has been just waiting for the best time to suggest it.
The conversation still sometimes comes to Martin’s mind from time to time. Well at least once a day. More times usually. Because Jon really looked so excited from the idea of having a cat and then so miserable upon learning he cannot but…
Martin partly wishes he had not said anything and just nodded… But then again one cannot just hide allergy can he?
But they can get over it, right? And Martin is for once glad for a bit of uncertainty in their future because even if they eventually wanted to get some pet this is not the best time for it. They have enough to worry about without another creature they would be responsible for.
That is probably the real reason why it feels like they are always having some little disagreement. They are both worried and traumatized and stressed from an uncertain future. (That is why Martin wants to have some idea what their future might one day look like. Why does Jon not want to plan and dream with him?) They will get along much better when there is no constant threat and fear at the back of their minds. Relationships get easier over time right?
He takes a sip of tea to calm his mind. He almost spits it out in surprise. How come it is cold? He finished it just a few moments ago. Or at least he thinks it has been only a few moments. He should get up and make a fresh one and also maybe finally start writing.
He does neither of those things and lets his mind wander some more. Trying to find some proof that he and Jon are getting along just fine. They can get over their differences both little and bigger ones.
“Come to bed Jon, you need to rest,” Martin is tempted to just take from Jon’s hands the book he seemed to be so deeply dived in. He needs to rest. And Martin wants to ensure he will get enough rest. Simple as that. (And also he does not want to really be falling asleep alone. It is so hard to fall asleep alone… But he does not say that as there is no need to worry Jon about it.)
Thinking about the more little ones reminds him of the little argument they had last night. (Though it was not really an argument They do not ever argue. They just happen to have tiny disagreements from time to time…)
“In a second…” Jon protests absent-mindedly but Martin knows him well enough to know that the ‘second’ could be literally any time period from one minute to one hour the latter being more likely.
“Your sleeping regime worries me a bit, you know Jon?” he decided in the end to do the drastical thing and steal the book from him.
“Hey!”
“Time to sleep.”
“I have always been more of a night owl… you do not need to treat me like a child staying up after bedtime.” Jon grabs the book back but he does lie it down on the table. And such an accusation is really ridiculous Martin does not treat Jon like a child he is just worried, he just wants to make sure he is taking proper care for himself can he not see that?
“But I do not- You know that I did not mean to.”
“No, it is fine. You are probably right,” Jon lets out a resigned sigh and… fine, Martin will be the mature one and will not point out how childish is Jon acting right now. As they both already are in their pyjamas it only takes to get in the bed for them to start falling asleep. And that is what Martin does but Jon stops by the window first and it takes to Martin a second to realize what he is doing but-
“Don’t make darkness. Please. Leave the curtains open.” Jon stops a bit hesitant, probably expecting Martin to give him more of a reason but why does he have to? It should be clear that he is not exactly a fan of dark (and Dark) and overall not seeing the environment around him properly. It should be logical. Yet Jon still tries to protest.
“The moon is shining quite bright…”
“It will not in a minute. It is also quite cloudy.”
“The sun will wake us, the window is turned towards east…”
“We are going to sleep quite soon though. I like the sunshine in the morning.”
Jon looks like he is about to add another argument but then he finally shrugs and finally joins Martin in the bed. Martin shuts the lamp on the bedside table and kisses Jon goodnight and he does smile into the kiss so maybe he does realize he has been the unreasonable one. Martin, yet again, rather stays silent than dragging their, yet another, little disagreement on longer.
“Just close them if you wake up sooner than me,” Jon asks and sure, Martin agrees and wraps his arms around him in a perfect hug to fall asleep in. Or it would be if Jon just stopped fidgeting for a second. It takes a few minutes of him moving around and Martin patiently waiting for him to find the most comfortable position before he sighs and gently pushes Martin away.
“Sorry… Would you mind if we were just lying next to each other?” he asks him suddenly and Martin does not understand where has this come from?
“We are lying next to each other-”
“Yes, I mean… It is not that I do not like cuddles… just that it is hard to fall asleep like that. Could you maybe give me a bit more space?” But… they usually fall asleep cuddling? Is it always uncomfortable for Jon to sleep like that? If yes, then it is really unfair to never say so, Martin would hate to make him uncomfortable. Then again it seems that he is overall in a bad mood for some reason tonight.
“Alright. Sorry.” Marin moves more on the other side of bed and this could have been the end of discussion but this time he cannot help himself but add: “You do not have to be so grumpy about it, you know?”
“I am not grumpy about it just…” Jon lets out exasperated huff, “I need a bit of space. That is all.” What does he mean by that?
“I am giving you space. I am always giving you all the space you need whenever you ask-”
“Yes! Yes you do… It is just hard to ask that sometimes from you when I know you do not want to be alone and… Sorry it doesn’t matter.” Is he seriously trying to throw blame at Martin? Does he even realize how hard it is sometimes to be handling all of Jon’s weird moods? When he at whim just remembers he does not like to cuddle and maybe he never liked to cuddle before falling asleep and for some reason it just felt like it is too hard to say something to him.
“Why are you always like this? It is not that hard to ask. Or communicate. You can talk to me about anything Jo. You can talk to me… Why are you still so closed up?” Now Martin is worried what other things he might have been doing actually annoys Jon because he would hate to make him uncomfortable but to meet his needs he has to know about them first. Why is it such a problem for Jon to just simply say something?
“I am just…” Jon starts but then he takes in a deep breath and reaches for Martin’s hand. He gently squeezes it, “No… yeah, I guess you are right. I will try more in the future.”
“Good,” Martin does not even realize how tense he was until the touch. And alright he was a bit unfair and unpleasant too but he is just tired. They are both tired, that is why the whole argument… (Clear proof he was right to ask Jon to go to bed since they were both tired enough for such a silly petty argument. Which is not very common for them.)
“Can we go sleep now?” Jon asks and Martin nods.
He actually fell asleep quite quickly even after the disagreement. And he did not even have any nightmares. There are now almost more nights when he has none then when he does. But in the morning… the entirety of today’s day… Their conversation keeps haunting him. Because he still does not understand. He tried to replay and re-evaluate all that happened but he is pretty sure he was the one in right. He just wants to make sure Jon gets enough sleep. And unlike Jon he cannot calmly sleep in complete darkness. And he would love to if Jon did not sometimes so suddenly push him away claiming he needs more space. And he would love to if Jon was a bit more open about everything going through his head just as Martin is.
“Yes. Sure. Good night.”
Really, how can it be so hard for Jon to open up. They are finally together. They are finally a couple. He should trust him unconditionally. Why is Jon struggling so much to tell him if something Martin does is bothering him. After all, Martin always does his best to find a compromise to meet Jon’s needs. Why does it sometimes feel like he is the only one trying? Why is he the only one interested in having a healthy relationship? Jon should try to think about Martin’s needs too more and in return he should express if something is bothering him and not just shrug and tell him it is okay it is just getting so frustrating and-
“I am back,” Jon enters the room. How is it possible he left just a few moments ago, how long has he been just sitting here staring into the unlit fireplace? “Aren’t you cold Martin?”
“Jon! Hi!” Martin quickly slams his notebook close as if the blank page could somehow reflect the grim thoughts going through his head. Jon raises his eyebrows over Martin’s sudden action but he does not comment on it. He probably suspects that Martin is hiding from him only some unfinished poem.
He wonders is Jon really did mean it when he said that Martin’s poetry is starting to grow on him or if it is yet another thing he cannot just tell him full truth about and only after few years he will bother to inform him that he actually still finds it annoying- (Where are all these dark thoughts coming from?)
He looks and Jon and Jon raises one eyebrow and… ah, right he asked him something.
“Ah, I am quite fine actually… but if you are we could go and start a fire?”
“Would you do it? You are much better at it,” Jon leans to him to kiss his cheek and heavy guilt immediately falls on the pit of his stomach for spending his afternoon by having so many doubts about him. About them.
“Are you suggesting I have a natural talent for lighting things up on fire?” Martin chuckles and Jon smiles as well.
“But I mean it as a compliment!”
Yes, their idea of ideal life differs… but! But in just a few tiny little details. So what? What does it matter! Especially after all they have been through. There are still so many things uncertain and unclear and they will get through them together coming out of it stronger than they were!
(And then there is one last thought which keeps intruding Martin’s mind, the one asking how much is Jon putting up with everything. Martin does because there is no better option. He can either have Martin or be alone. Maybe there will be time when he will prefer being alone over Martin maybe that is the reason why he refuses planning future with him maybe he does not want to grow old.)
They are together now. They do deeply care for each other. That is all that matters.
…is it not?