jonathan sims was really the character of all time. he was kidnapped three times. his only friend was his ex-girlfriend. he pretended to be a skeptic while also working as a ghost secretary. he said “good lord” unironically. he was a stalker. he called a merry-go-round “thrilling.” he hung out and listened to soap operas with a woman who kidnapped him and tried to slit his throat. he said mercy-killing another guy that kidnapped him was “like doing a favor for an old friend.” he could almost definitely suck his own dick. he was forcibly moisturized by a clown for a month. he lied about being ten years older than he was for no discernible reason. he wasn’t even mad about the third kidnapping. he thought his coworker was a ghost. he died once. he tried to cut off his own finger. he was even bi