It is so so compelling to me to think about jon always being itchy for so long for most of his life…just thinking it’s a skin thing and then he reads Jane’s statement and experiences such deep self recognition through the other it almost gives him a mental breakdown the first time he reads it and suddenly. That itch that horrible unbearable itch doesn’t feel so much like an annoyance and more so “I can never let anyone find out about this.”
No no prev you’re absolutely right it IS very gender. That constant itch that bothers you you’re whole life. That feeling of emptiness deep rooted in your bones. That you think is normal. This is just how life is. And then you see someone else someone everyone points at and screams that they’re a freak, that nobody wants, that is awful and broken and Wrong. And then you feel such a horrible connection to them and see everything you’ve ever felt in them and you realize, oh. There’s something wrong with me. This isn’t how life feels for everyone else. There is something wrong. This isn’t how life is supposed to feel.
Smth smth that deep feeling of disconnect from the entire world some people get pre transition. Feeling like you don’t feel anything. You don’t care about anything. You can’t connect with anyone. You think you’re a horrible person. You crave connection and can never seem to have it with anyone. Not in the way you’re so desperate for. You cannot love anyone in the way you want to. You don’t know how to tell if you would. All you want is to care about someone and be cared about and you are disconnected from everything human and maybe you’re not human. So maybe these things that Aren’t human could love you. There is a wasps nest in some poor woman’s attic. Maybe it could soothe your itching soul.