(Arospec <3) Jon who has been pining after his father for years. Who only managed to develop romantic feelings for the man he already had a familial connection to. Who is constantly, tirelessly working to earn Elias’ praise and approval and affection. And it’s given freely but it’s never enough because Jon spent much of his early childhood lonely and isolated and feeling deeply unloved and now he’s starving for it. Jon who gets a job in research right out of college. Pushed and argued and pleaded for it until Elias relented (and he was always going to. Always going to make sure his son ended up where he belonged, but he wanted Jon to choose. To beg for it, his opportunity to seek answers, to work alongside the father he so dearly admires).
Jon who spends his years in research mostly isolated. Afraid his coworkers are going to discover his feelings for his dad. And when it comes out that he’s Elias’ son his coworkers draw away too, irritated with the stuck up, prickly, arrogant young man in research who was only handed the job because his father gave it to him. I think one of them calls him a “daddy’s boy,” once. I think it makes him soaking wet to hear it.
Jon so so hurt and betrayed when he realizes the father who he loves (who he’s in love with) is a murderer, is a monster. Was keeping so many secrets, so many answers, so much knowledge from him all this time. S3 filled with constant arguments and Jon’s hurt and betrayal but the parts of him that identify Elias as “father” and the parts that identify him as “beloved” are so deeply intertwined they can’t ever be untangled, and Jon never stopped starving for Elias’ praise and touch and care. Never stopped wishing that Elias could love him back, could be his in the same way he’s been Elias’ for so, so very long.
And then Jon wakes up from his coma, and Elias isn’t there to greet him. Won’t even see him. And Jon doesn’t think anything could ever possibly hurt more.
Oh but of course realizing Elias could read his mind was an agony all of its own. That his father could see his shameful feelings, every disgusting fantasies, his bone-deep need to crawl down his father’s throat and consume him whole all at once. He Knew, this whole time, and he said nothing. And it hurts, it hurts so badly, that Jon could spend so many years madly in love and Elias had absolutely nothing to say about it for all that time. That he didn’t reciprocate them. Didn’t want him. Felt no need to belong to Jon the way Jon had belonged to him for so very, very long.