Thinking about young Jon longing for a parental figure who would love him and guide him and believe him about Mr. Spider and even know all the answers to all the questions swirling about in his head. Thinking about him finding a book about Jonah Magnus, being fascinated by this strange, clever man, this long-dead occultist. And maybe sometimes when he’s bored and lonely and the children at school are bullying him and his grandmother doesn’t understand why he gets so fussy with the texture of his clothes or why he doesn’t like wearing dresses and skirts (and he doesn’t understand either, not really, not yet) maybe he imagines that Jonah found him after Mr. Spider. That he told Jon everything he ever wanted to know. And maybe he wonders what it would be like for Jonah to take him in and raise him. And it all starts out very innocent, just… fantasies of being raised by a person who loves him and shows it openly, who understands him.

And then he gets older and starts feeling arousal, starts touching himself, and he feels a little strange doing it but it feels so good. Feels even better when he imagines that it’s Jonah touching him instead, that it’s Jonah who understands what’s happening to him and who touches him whenever he needs and who knows how best to touch him. And he knows you’re not supposed to want that, that you’re supposed to want sex with men who are your age and that you’re definitely not supposed to want sex with your father. He tells himself it’s okay because Jonah isn’t really his father and they’re not related at all and he just daydreams that maybe he did raise Jon, but he still feels so guilty after because the fantasies only feel good when he imagines that it’s his dad taking care of him. Sometimes he tries to imagine other people, his teachers, his schoolmates, but the idea of having sex with them is so uncomfortable and strange that he often just can’t keep going. It’s a little easier with Jonah but it still feels discomfiting if he’s just Jon’s friend or lover. He needs to be Jonah’s son in his fantasies.

And finally he reads an account that speculates about the possibility that Jonah is trans and suddenly all his strange feelings and discomfort with his body and being a girl make sense. And he isn’t able to accept it for a long time, but when he finally does, well. Who else to name himself after? Maybe Jon thinks to himself that it’s a little like taking his father’s name, only to feel ridiculous for the thought. Maybe he can’t quite bring himself to call himself Jonah when the time comes, it’s “Jon… er- Jon. Jonathan.”

And maybe one day he’s sitting in front of Elias, nervous and unsure but so desperate for the job, and he mentions that he had heard of Jonah Magnus before and he admired his work while internally he’s terrified he’s going to accidentally blurt out something like “he was like a father to me when I was younger” or “I have pseudoincestous fantasies about the man in the portrait behind you whenever I masturbate,” and maybe Elias is very glad that the lower half of his body is concealed by his desk because he’s very visibly hard while listening to Jon’s internal monologue.