August 2022

I see a lot of TMA headcanons about people being short, but I think the funniest possible height related headcanon is that everyone is pretty average but Elias is short as FUCK

There’s currently a massive heatwave in England, so naturally here’s what I think the characters from TMA would be doing in this insane heat:

Jon: In his office, cursing the fact that the building doesn’t have air conditioning. Yes, it would be nicer to be ANYWHERE but here, but alas, things have to be done.

Martin: Busy explaining to someone that hot drinks are WAY BETTER for hydration than cold drinks, and tea is absolutely the best drink during this weather. He’s making tea for Jon. (Jon will not drink it.)

Tim: He’s probably wandering round shirtless-he seems like one of those guys that for some reason believes it isn’t a major health risk to walk down Oxford Street with that much exposed skin.

Sasha: With Tim, trying to convince him to put his shirt back on. Or at the very least WEAR SOME SUNCREAM!

Daisy: Enjoying the shade of Epping forest!

Basira: Doing paperwork outside on cheap, crappy garden furniture. It’s really inconvenient but at least she’s not stuck inside!

Melanie: Angry about something or other. Everyone is angry in this heat so she’d have no trouble picking a fight!

Elias: Foresaw this entire thing and is sitting peacefully in his air-conditioned office with an iced drink.

Rating TMA characters based on how likely I think they’d be to give money to those aggressive charity people collecting money to prevent knife crime*:

Jon - 3/10

Would never intentionally give money to them, he’s too busy to be involved in that, but he might on occasion just to get them to leave him alone.

Martin - 7/10

On an intellectual level I’m sure he knows that he really shouldn’t , but they’re working so hard in the street and they make such a compelling case! Also it’s too embarrassing and stressful to say no.

Tim - 2/10

He might do it to impress a prospective partner, but he’d probably be the type of guy to say “no sorry I don’t actually support charity.” or something like that.

Sasha - 5/10

She probably would if they were respectful and it was for a good cause, but she seems like a financially cautious queen.

Melanie - 1/10

She’d hate being stopped in the street by them and have a policy plain and simple to never give them a single penny.

Daisy - 0/10

She’s the knife crime they’re trying to prevent.

Basira - 3/10

In theory she would, but she probably has a direct debit set up for the charity that she prefers so unless she’s feeling generous she just won’t.

Elias - ? /10

I literally have no idea, does he even really use money?

Distortion Micheal - 0/10

Would subject them to the amount of torment that every person ever stopped by them wants to.

*(I’m sure other cities have these too but they basically hang around busy places and yell at you to donate money to prevent knife crime and they’re really rude and they get paid to do it and nobody likes them!! They prey on tourists and the vulnerable, and are just generally really nasty.)

Don’t imagine Martin visiting Jon in hospital and gently brushing Jon’s hair whilst he talks about work, and what’s going on in his personal life. Don’t imagine Martin replacing wilted flowers, hanging fairy lights, and setting down two cups of tea (one of which he knows will remain untouched).

Don’t think about Martin befriending all the nurses at the hospital and telling them all about Jon and what he’s like when he’s up and about. Don’t imagine him doing an impression of Jon’s idea of a hilarious joke (the joke never made anyone laugh, but the impression did).

Don’t imagine Martin politely and subtly making sure Jon’s being well looked after, and getting the best course of treatment. Don’t think about the tenderness that comes from unconditional care and love with no expectations.

But most importantly, don’t think about Jon’s hair growing tangled, the nurses seeing less and less of Martin. Don’t imagine how dull the hospital room became without Martin’s thoughtful input. Don’t think about the old cup of tea still sitting on the bedside table (it’s behind a ‘get well soon’ card, only Martin would’ve noticed it).

It was Martin who succumbed to the lonely, but in a way it managed to take Jon too.

What if Jon had a Snapchat when he was staying with Georgie?