---
layout:          post
title:           "MAGP 30.02 - Plenty More Fish (Fluff)"
date:            2024-10-03 15:00:00 # in UTC
episode_type:      [special]
tags:            []
voiced:          []
categories:			"tmagp"
podcasts: ["tmagp"]
title_prefix:	"MAGP"
prev_categories: ["tmagp"]
prev_prefixes: ["MAGP"]
prev_episode:	['03001-s1-epilogue']
prev_episode_num:		['030.01']
prev_episode_title:		["System Update"]
next_categories: ["tmagp"]
next_prefixes: ["MAGP"]
next_episode:	['03003-what-if']
next_episode_num:		['030.03']
next_episode_title:		["What If They Listened to Colin? (What If)"]
episode_title:   'Plenty More Fish (Fluff)'
episode_number:  '030.02'
content_flags:   ["Alexander J Newall", "Harsh Language", "Sexual Innuendo", "Alcohol"]
acast_url:      https://shows.acast.com/themagnusarchives/episodes/the-magnus-protocol-fluff-plenty-more-fish
formats:
    Official PDF: https://rustyquillcom.sharepoint.com/:f:/g/ElFMfJSzHzRMhhWGghFX8E8Bg27o0_Amiemvu0Hqq8D6Yg
official:        true
---

##### [Soft piano music, instead of the usual ominous intro theme]

#### ANNOUNCER (ALEX NEWALL)

_(soft, ASMR-style)_ Hi everyone, Alex here to pep you up with Big Cable Knit Jumper Energy. Now, some of you might not know this, but after a long hard day of brutally murdering your favourite characters, there's nothing I like more than sitting down in a big, comfy armchair and enjoying a nice hot cup of Fluffy-Wuffy-uwu-Nonsense-Juice.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Alex, the world is dying, held hostage by corporate greed and myopic self-interested political leaders -- I don't have time to check in on my favourite blorbo's skrunkily twink ship drama! I've got to go eat the rich!"

And I hear you, I really do. Eating the rich IS important. But so is self-care. And sometimes, you've got to slow down to smell the flowers. So with that in mind, we wanted to give you a little something to help you out. A soupçon of silliness to send you on your way.

And so we present to you: this lovingly crafted season one bonus fluff episode, affectionately titled "Plenty More Fish," which is full to the brim with positivity like friendship, love, and... punctuality. And is guaranteed completely organic and free from artificial horrors.

So, while you're waiting for your Amazon Basics Guillotine to arrive, why not sit back, relax, and enjoy a taste of our delicious nonsense?

##### [Sip]

Mmm... yum.

---

<!-- 1. INT. THE PUB -- EVENING, CLEAR (COLIN'S PHONE) The pub is quiet, but not empty. COLIN is sat drinking. ALICE enters.  -->

##### [Dial tone fuzzes on -- phone recording]

##### [Faint noises of people in the pub]

##### [Approaching footsteps:]

#### ALICE

There you are! What happened to the usual table? 

#### COLIN

Already taken. 

#### ALICE

_(disappointed)_ What? How are we supposed to mope about in the corner when we're in the middle of room? The vibes here are unconducive to bitterness. 

#### COLIN

Yeah, well, tough, so sit your vibes down and get drinking, already.

##### [He pushes a glass over the table]

Got you a pint of your hipster piss. 

#### ALICE

IPAs aren't hipster, Colin, they sell them in Tesco.

##### [She sits with a thump] 

#### COLIN

Almost thought you weren't going to show. 

#### ALICE

And miss the chance of seeing you moaning into your pint? Never! 

#### COLIN

Eh, it's a better listener than you. 

#### ALICE

True. Bet it hardly ever calls you a sour old wanker with no taste in women or drink. 

#### COLIN

Harsh... but fair. 

#### ALICE

Speaking of...

##### [Alice raises her glass.]

#### ALICE

Merry divorce! 

#### COLIN

And a happy "piss off"!

##### [They clink their glasses together in cheers, then take a sip.]

#### ALICE

What is it now, three years? 

##### [She sets down her drink]

#### COLIN

Four and twelve. 

##### [He sets down his]

#### ALICE

Still living the bachelor dream? 

#### COLIN

What, dying alone? That's the plan. 

#### ALICE

Is your next-of-kin still that hard drive where you keep all of your porn? 

#### COLIN

Oh, you think it's just the one? Poor, naïve Alice. So young, so foolish in the ways of love. Speaking of --

#### ALICE

_(sighing)_ Ah, and there it is. Go on then, take your shots at poor little Alice. 

#### COLIN

It's been, what, a month now? 

#### ALICE

About that. 

#### COLIN

I still can't believe you got him the job. After everything you said!

#### ALICE

Hey, moaning about exes on Divorce-mas is just what you do! He's actually a good guy who just needed to catch a break. 

#### COLIN

Sure, sure.

Must be hard for you. All those unfamiliar human feelings bubbling to the surface...

#### ALICE

*Ew.* Are you trying to upset me? 

#### COLIN

Aye. 

#### ALICE

Then up your game, Becher, because I'm a stone-cold emotional fortress.

#### COLIN

Oh, good. Then you probably won't have a problem with what's lurking behind you. 

#### ALICE

What? 

#### SAM

_(distant)_ Alice! Colin! 

#### ALICE

Oh god. 

#### COLIN

Alice. What is Sam doing here? 

#### ALICE

I, uh...

##### [Sam comes up to the table.]

#### SAM

Heya! Am I early? 

#### COLIN

No. Did Alice invite you? 

#### SAM

Uh, yeah? She said you were having a "divorce party," which I assumed was just her way of saying a bit of a booze-up, so... 

##### [Alice 'heh's faintly]

#### COLIN

You see, Alice? This is what happens when everything that comes out of your mouth is a sarcastic joke.

##### [Alice sighs]

#### COLIN

People get confused. 

#### SAM

Oh... _(wincing)_ Ah. _(taking a few steps back)_ Listen, if I'm intruding I can -- 

#### COLIN

You're here now. What're you drinking? 

#### SAM

Uh... IPA. Thanks.

##### [Colin snorts, then gets up and heads to the bar]

#### SAM

Alice? 

#### ALICE

_(hurrying to explain)_ O-Okay, so, Colin's been divorced a couple of times, and as part of some -- _(snorts)_ -- bizarre cosmic joke, both of them ended up being finalized on the same day of the year. So he and I... _(she sighs)_ We've kinda got this little tradition now where on that day -- today -- we get together, get pissed and uh -- uh.

#### SAM

And...? 

#### ALICE

_(resigned)_ ...And bitch about our exes. 

#### SAM

Oh.

...

_(realising)_ *Ohhhh,* Iiii should go. 

#### ALICE

Too late for that! Colin's already gone to get you a drink! You duck out now, and you're as good as dead. 

#### SAM

Sure, but --

#### ALICE

I wouldn't worry! He loves to see me squirm, so I'm sure he'll have a *great* time.

##### [Colin returns, setting Sam's drink down in front of him]

#### COLIN

Here you go. 

#### SAM

...Thanks.

##### [Colin sits] 

#### COLIN

_(mildly threatening)_ Drink it. 

#### SAM

Er... okay.

##### [Sam sips.] 

#### COLIN

Well, go on, then. 

#### SAM

Sorry...? 

#### ALICE

_(reluctantly)_ I think what Colin is trying to say is that as the newest member of this particular bitchy subcommittee, you have to spill on your exes. 

#### SAM

Um, okay. So, uh... there was this girl --

#### ALICE

I'm right here. 

#### SAM

Hey, I'll have you know I have plenty of exes.

#### ALICE

_(laughing a little tightly)_ What, like actual humans? 

#### COLIN

Get on with it! 

#### SAM

_(embarrassed)_ Right, yeah, sorry. So her name was, uh, Kelly, and she worked at my old office, in HR --

#### COLIN

Oh, red flag. 

#### ALICE

_(smirking)_ Did she make you sign a form? 

#### SAM

She was nice!

#### ALICE

That's not what I asked. 

#### SAM

She... may have needed us to declare a potential conflict of interest, but --

##### [Colin snorts]

#### SAM

But that wasn't why we split up. 

#### COLIN

_(impatient)_ Christ, what was the reason then? 

#### SAM

Oh, it just didn't work out.

#### COLIN

...

Right. 

#### ALICE

_(faux-conspiratorial)_ Listen Sam, if you're going to hang with the Mean Girls, you're going to have to do better than that. What *sucked* about her? What obnoxious habit did she have? What drove you up the wall and made you want to gnaw your arm off? 

#### SAM

Oh, I don't know...

##### [Colin sighs, bored.] 

#### SAM

Oh, actually -- she had this weird thing where, when she laughed, her tongue came like *all* the way out of her mouth. It was so weird -- I can't really do it, it was like... _(trying to imitate it, fakely:)_ Hehehehe.

#### ALICE

Ew! 

#### COLIN

_(simultaneous)_ Now we're talking. 

#### SAM

*Right?* And she was into old black-and-white comedies. You know, Laurel and Hardy, the Marx Brothers, that kind of thing. 

#### ALICE

_(puzzled)_ I mean, that's annoying, sure. But it -- it's not really --

#### SAM

_(getting into it)_ No, I mean she was *reeeally* into them. As in, every date was round her place watching old movies and *every time* we ended up -- _(remembering his company)_ uh...

##### [Colin clears his throat loudly] 

#### ALICE

_(grinning)_ I'm sure you looked very fetching dressed up as Charlie Chaplin in stockings and handcuffs. 

#### SAM

What -- no! It was nothing like that.

##### [Alice chuckles; Sam thinks for a second]

#### SAM

Although... she did ask me if I smoked cigars and seemed a bit disappointed when I said no...

#### ALICE

Oh, Sam. My poor little oblivious baby shrimp. 

#### SAM

I'm telling you, it wasn't like that. We were just talking abou--

...

Oh my god. 

#### ALICE

_(eager)_ What? 

#### SAM

_(dead-eyed)_ She bought me a bowler hat. 

#### ALICE

I'm sorry. What do you mean she, "bought you a bowler hat"? 

#### SAM

_(sheepish)_ It was a gift. She said she thought I'd look good in it. 

#### COLIN

_(chuckling)_ I bet she did. 

#### ALICE

*Amazing!*

#### SAM

It's not like I wore it out on the street or anything. Just once or twice when... well...

##### [Alice and Colin cackle] 

#### ALICE

Oh, *Sam.* I know you *think* you want normal, but I think it's pretty obvious that deep down, you only go for the truly depraved and bizarre. 

#### COLIN

Sounds about right. 

#### ALICE

Damn skippy. 

#### SAM

Well, what about you, then, huh? I'm guessing it was non-stop horror stories when I wasn't on the scene.

##### [Alice snorts]

#### COLIN

Mate, you have no idea. *You* are a well-adjusted, genius, alpha-male heartthrob compared to what Alice has been dating. 

#### ALICE

I'm not *that* bad.

#### COLIN

Oh no? So you'd be happy to hang out with Amy again, then? 

#### ALICE

Look, say what you like about Amy...

#### COLIN

All right, I will. She was a psycho who got you mixed up with your own brother, and then stabbed him for being an imposter. 

#### SAM

I'm sorry, what? 

#### ALICE

Okay, Colin is exaggerating. She barely broke the skin, and, in her defense, she was *very* high at the time. 

#### SAM

*Jesus*...

#### ALICE

Obviously we broke up after!

#### COLIN

Yeah, a *month* after. 

#### SAM

A *month?* Jesus, Alice... 

#### ALICE

As I was trying to say earlier: say what you like about Amy, but, she was a fabulous lay.

#### COLIN

My theory is Alice can only get off with people who are properly batshit, y'know? Like... _(snapping his fingers)_ oh god, what was his name... 

#### ALICE

_(sighing; wearily:)_ Ignatious. 

#### COLIN

That was it! Bloody *Ignatious,* the man who was being hunted for the secret to cold fusion!

#### ALICE

Okay, in my defense, he didn't tell me that until the second date. 

#### COLIN

Sure, because he was too busy on your *first* date explaining how he might need to go "off grid," because he was being pursued by... What was it he said?

#### ALICE

_(sighing)_ "Despicable agents of numerous foreign powers."

##### [Colin cackles]

#### SAM

And there was a second date? 

#### ALICE

He could have been a sexy superspy! 

#### SAM

I mean, I don't know how "super" he could be if he told you that on the first date. 

#### ALICE

Oh, stick it up your bowler hat.

##### [Colin snorts]

#### ALICE

You have *no* idea how bad it is out there for a trans woman with basic standards. 

#### COLIN

Aye, so if I meet one, she'll have my sympathies.

##### [They all laugh] 

#### ALICE

You're up, Becher.

#### SAM

Oh yeah! This is *your* divorce party or whatever, isn't it? So go on, then. Weirdest hook-up?

#### COLIN

I don't do hook-ups. I mostly just hate people, marry them, then divorce them. 

#### ALICE

Speaking of, you're about due to drop down on one knee again, aren't you? I'd watch out if I were you, Sam...

##### [Sam laughs nervously]

#### COLIN

If I'm on my knees near any of you lot, it'll be because I'm finally rigging the entire place to blow with you inside it. 

##### [Sam laughs]

#### ALICE

Charming. 

#### SAM

Alright then, how about the first marriage. What happened there? 

#### COLIN

He cheated on me, with my manager. Had been for a while.

#### SAM

...Shit. 

#### ALICE

Right, sure, tragic. A terrible breach of trust and all that, blah blah blah.

_(leaning forward)_ But that's not the *real* reason, is it, Colin? 

#### SAM

Alice, come on, you don't need to --

#### ALICE

*Colin?* 

#### COLIN

I... _(blows out air)_ might have been... sort of, maybe... looking to break it off anyway for a while?

#### SAM

...Oh yeah? 

#### ALICE

_(prompting)_ Because... 

#### COLIN

_(sighing)_ Because he was turning into a crypto-bro. 

#### SAM

_(laughing)_ I'm sorry, what? 

#### COLIN

Oh yeah, yeah, laugh it up. You try living with someone when they fill the flat with bloody *graphics cards* running non-stop. He never put towards the energy bill, and every conversation was just another lecture on bloody *blockchain* or *"blobcoin"* or whatever the latest bullshit doing the rounds on Reddit was. 

#### SAM

_(amused)_ That does sound... a lot. 

#### COLIN

Yeah. So when I caught him messing around with *Clive,* I dropped his crypto-wallet in the bog, took a dump, then flushed.

_(smiling)_ Last time I checked... that shit would be worth about 1.2 million now. 

#### SAM

_(chuckling)_ Jesus Christ.... 

#### COLIN

Yeah. 

#### ALICE

And that, Sam, is why we celebrate this most holy of days. To drink, moan, and remind ourselves that it's absolutely the right decision to die bitter and alone!

_(raising her glass)_ "There's plenty more fish in the sea..." 

#### COLIN

"And they're all covered in their own shite."

##### [They clink glasses.]

#### SAM

Mmm. Well, I don't know if I'm quite at *your* level yet. Still got the heart of a romantic, I guess.

#### ALICE

Oh, we'll cut that out of you, and burn it on the altar as a sacrifice to the gods of messy breakups. 

#### SAM

I see! And would the high priests of heartbreak accept a pair of pints as sacrifice instead? 

#### ALICE

I suppose they could be convinced to lightly amend our dread litany... 

#### COLIN

Just as long as it isn't any of that IPA piss. 

#### SAM

_(standing and heading to the bar)_ Of course, Your Holiness.

##### [Pause as Sam's footsteps fade into the distance]

#### COLIN

I expect a full report on him next year after you wreck your life reopening that particular scrawny can of worms. 

#### ALICE

...

Bite me. 

#### COLIN

No thanks. Vegetarian, remember? 

#### ALICE

Then go suck a carrot or something. 

#### COLIN

I wish I could, Alice. I really do.

---

##### [Soft piano music comes back in]

#### ANNOUNCER (ALEX NEWALL)

_(ASMR-style)_ The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall.

This episode was written by Jonathan Sims and edited with additional materials by Alexander J Newall, with vocal edits by Nico Vettese, soundscaping by Tessa Vroom, and mastering by Catherine Rinella.

It featured Billie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samama Khalid and Ryan Hopevere-Anderson as Colin Becher.

The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, with Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d'Raven, and Megan Nice.

To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on Facebook or email us via mail@rustyquill.com.

##### [He takes a deep breath]

Mmmmmm, yum.