---
layout:          post
title:           "RQG014 - Knock Knock..."
date:            2015-09-02 11:00:00 -0400
episode_type:      episode
tags:            [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham, Brutor, Guy]
voiced:          [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham, Brutor, Guy]
categories:			"rqg"
podcasts: ["rqg"]
title_prefix:	"RQG"
prev_categories: ["rqg"]
prev_prefixes: ["RQG"]
prev_episode:   ['013']
prev_episode_num:		['013']
prev_episode_title:		["Ghost Ambush"]
episode_title:   'Knock Knock...'
episode_number:  '014'
summary:         "Join Alex, James, Bryn, Ben and Lydia as they continue to play an extended Pathfinder Tabletop Roleplaying Campaign: Erasing the Line.<br/><br/>In this episode Sasha does all the work, Zolf can’t keep up, Bertie conquers a door, and Hamid feels queasy."
content_flags:   ["Physical violence & injury", "Bombs & explosions", "Fatphobia (in bloopers after outro)", "Discussions of: food, physical violence (inc. stabbing)", "Mentions of: drowning, fire, alcohol, death", "SFX: water, explosions, vomiting"]
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/rustyquillgaming/rqg-14-knock-knock
formats: 
    # DOCX: 
    # PDF: 
    # Google Doc: 
official:        true
wiki_url:        "https://rqg.fandom.com/wiki/RQG_14_-_Knock_Knock..."
---

##### [SHOW THEME -- INTRO]

#### ALEX

Hello and welcome to episode 14 of the *Rusty Quill Gaming* podcast. We are coming to you from London, England, and I am Alex Newall, your host and GM. And with me as always, for better or worse, I have:

#### JAMES

James Ross.

#### BRYN

Bryn Monroe.

#### BEN

Ben Meredith.

#### LYDIA

Lydia Nicholas.

#### ALEX

And who are you playing?

#### JAMES

Sir Bertrand McGuffingham, half-man, half-man, half-man. 

##### [BEAT]

#### BRYN

Sorry, I'm distracted by the terrible maths.

##### [LAUGHTER]

I'm playing Hamid, the halfling sorcerer. 

#### BEN

Zolf, a dwarven cleric of Poseidon. 

#### LYDIA

Sasha, antiques appraiser and knife fancier.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

However, given that we've just levelled in between weeks, you're also a bit of a *bomb* fancier if I understand.

#### LYDIA

Ooh, yes. 

#### JAMES

Just stroking a bomb under there. With the fuse.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, I'm like a bomb whisperer. _(fondly)_ "Alright, little bomb." _(normally)_ It's all about dominance, but in a situation of trust.

#### ALEX

Well, you can't anger the bomb. 

#### LYDIA

No. 

#### JAMES

Yeah. It's very important that one of you is in charge, and you both know who that is. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

And instead of... 

#### BRYN

Stop worrying and love the bomb. 

#### LYDIA

Exactly! Stop worrying and love the bomb. 

#### ALEX

And instead of a shoutout, I'm going to tell everyone that I had my first jellied eel!

##### [CHEERING]

I ate it yesterday, it was *amazing.* 

#### LYDIA

They are delicious. 

#### ALEX

I genuinely now actually recommend to everyone jellied eels as a thing. 

#### JAMES

You big Cockney man. 

#### ALEX

Oh, they're great! 

#### LYDIA

Did you like the jelly? Because as an actual Cockney, I still can't eat the jelly. I really like the eel bit... 

#### ALEX

I could eat the jelly, but it was all about the eel for me. 

#### LYDIA

It's all about the eel. 

#### ALEX

It was all about the eel. I also reckon it would go well with mustard. So I think... 

#### LYDIA

Yeah?

#### ALEX

I think I called that in the episode earlier. But to repeat, yeah, we did do some levelling up. I do still intend us to really have a talk about levelling up and picking character routes and things, but honestly, between level one and level two it's so *very* straightforward that it's *just* not worth your time.

#### BRYN

We'll do one for level three, maybe level four when it's interesting. 

#### LYDIA

Speak for yourselves. Speak for yourselves, guys, I got bombs, so... 

#### ALEX

So Bryn, if you can run through quickly the default things that will happen, and then we'll go round and say what everyone got individually as an extra. 

#### BRYN

So I believe everyone's base attack bonus went up by one.

##### [CHEERING ALL AROUND]

Most of us got an increase to a single save. We all obviously got a few hit points. Some of us got lots of skill points -- looking at Lydia...

#### LYDIA

Yayyyy.

#### BRYN

Some of us got a couple of skill points.

#### JAMES

I fell over. 

#### BEN

Some of us got -- three.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

Yes.

#### ALEX

And that said, obviously a couple of you got the chance to pick some feats or an extra spell, say, things like that. So I'm just going to go around quickly and just get everyone to talk to me about what you did when you levelled, and then we'll get into the game.

So starting with... let's start with you, James.

#### JAMES

I took Weapon Focus: Bastard Sword.

#### ALEX

Shocker. 

#### JAMES

Which is -- _(laughs)_ Exactly. It's just Bertie just staring at it for hours going,

#### BERTIE

URRGGHHHHHHHHH!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BERTIE

REALLY FOCUSED! URRGHHHHHHHH!

#### ALEX

Yep. And all that is doing is it's specialising, sort of, and it just makes you better. It gives you a plus one bonus. 

#### BRYN

Yeah, plus one to hit with a bastard sword. But as with many of Bertie's feats, it leads on to greater things in the future. 

#### ALEX

And Bryn, yourself? 

#### BRYN

Well, Bertie also got the class feature Bravery. 

#### ALEX

Oh, yeah! 

#### BRYN

Which means his *terrible* Will save is not *quite as terrible* if someone is making him afraid.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

If somebody is trying to terrify me, I'm fine. If somebody has offered me biscuits, it's not going to go so well.

#### ALEX

Sure. So yeah, James obviously got Bravery. And moving onto you, Bryn? 

#### BRYN

_(resigned)_ I got precisely no class features, feats, or abilities whatsoever.

#### ALEX

Woo!

#### BRYN

I got to add a new *zeroth*-level spell to my list of spells.

#### ALEX

Also known as a cantrip, for people who were wondering. 

#### BRYN

Yes, cantrip. 

#### JAMES

Don't worry, Bryn, you're already perfect. 

##### [SOUNDS OF JAMES PATTING BRYN COMFORTINGLY]

#### BEN

Aww.

#### BRYN

Awww... thank you for lying so beautifully.

##### [LAUGHTER]

I took Read Magic, which again is incredibly dull as a spell but occasionally useful. 

#### ALEX

It's one of those ones that you really, really need to have, and... no one has ever been enthused by Read Magic, really. 

#### JAMES

What does it do? 

#### ALEX

It allows him to read magical spells that are written down. 

#### JAMES

Oh. To be fair, the clues were all there...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

One feels you could have worked that out. 

#### JAMES

Yeah -- yeah... 

#### BRYN

You're the kind of person who walks into a kitchen and asks where the forks are without checking the very obvious one and only drawer. 

#### JAMES

_(overlapping)_ Drawer. Yeah... 

#### ALEX

Yup, yup. Ben? 

#### BEN

Again, very similar, I didn't do much. I got some extra slots because I work a little bit differently as a cleric, in that I have access to all "orisons," which is what they call their zeroth-level spells. But to let people know -- I won't get it until I meditate again, but I'm going to be going with Burning Disarm for tomorrow.

#### ALEX

Ooh!

#### BEN

Because that's quite good. And Spark is my orison. 

#### JAMES

What does Burning Disarm do? 

#### BEN

Makes a lump of metal really hot.

#### JAMES

Right. 

#### ALEX

Makes you want to drop your things. 

#### BRYN

So _(inaudible)_ will have to drop it. 

#### JAMES

Ohhh.

#### LYDIA

Does it work for anything, so like, if I have a stick? 

#### BEN

It has to be a weapon. So any weapon that someone is holding, or an unattended lump of metal up to 15 pounds. 

#### JAMES

_(snickering)_ "Unattended."

#### BEN

Unattended, yes.

#### LYDIA

That's just sitting there! Unloved. Its mum has left it.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

Can you use it to turn just something into a hot plate? 

#### BEN

I -- imagine you can...

#### BRYN

I don't see why not.

#### BEN

_(remembering)_ Oh no, no, no. It goes away, for one -- it goes away almost instantly. It just heats up for one round and then goes away again. But you could maybe flash fry something with it.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX

And Lydia, yourself? 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, so I got some hit points. I got twelve skill points, but I've just put them in the same slots I had so I'm just better at everything.

#### ALEX

Mhm.

#### LYDIA

And yeah. I decided that after looking at all of the rogue... 

#### BRYN

Incredibly long list. 

#### LYDIA

Incredibly long list. And there are so many things that I'm sure are -- it's *so* complicated, but I thought -- at the moment we're drowning in bombs, and Sasha likes making things, so she is going to learn to make bombs. 

#### BRYN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

I'm not surprised that this is the way things went. To spell out for listeners, by the way, rogues have a thing where one of their features is they get to pick a "rogue talent." What that really is, is rogues have their own extra list of feats, sort of. 

#### BRYN

They're not quite as powerful as feats, but...

#### ALEX

Yeah. They are slightly less powerful. So what you end up with is, rogues get a lot of extra rogue talents. One of which is -- yeah, you get bomb making, and... 

#### BRYN

It's a horrendous list, though, because not only is it incredibly long, but some of the options on it are picked from this other really long list. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. I could take ninja tricks, I could -- there's alchemist-y things... 

#### BRYN

Isn't one of them just taking a combat feat? 

#### LYDIA

Yes, yeah, and I can get all combat feats. 

#### BRYN

Which, again, is possibly the longest list of all. 

#### ALEX

Yeah. 

#### LYDIA

So a bomb -- I get three a day because it's my INT bonus. It doesn't scale. 

#### ALEX

It will scale when your INT goes up, but it doesn't increase relative to... 

#### LYDIA

Oh, I didn't know the INT went up? 

#### ALEX

Yeah, it can do, if you were to, say, get some inherent bonuses. A god could come along and go, "I really like you, Sasha, I like the way you roll. Here's another plus four to your INT." 

#### BEN

Basically, butter Alex up, and you'll get more stats. 

#### LYDIA

Cool. Yeah, and it does my sneak attack damage, but I can throw it in people's faces and I thought that would be nice. 

#### ALEX

Mhm.

#### BRYN

You also got the class ability Evasion. 

#### LYDIA

Oh, yes, yes. 

#### ALEX

Ooh, that's a good one. 

#### LYDIA

So I dodge stuff, I assume, or *Evade.* 

#### BRYN

Basically dodging fireballs and stuff. Most people when they dodge successfully still take half damage. You take none! 

#### LYDIA

Ohhh... So I read that and I did not understand it. I thought that it was only if things do half damage, I get to avoid. 

#### ALEX

No, no, no. It's this brilliant thing where if Bryn's fireball accidentally goes off and deals, you know, 10d6 to everyone -- we always used to...

#### JAMES

_(singsong)_ One dayyyyy!

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX

I always used to have it described to me as, you enter Rogue Space. You step sideways and then sidle out of the world for a couple of moments. The explosion goes off, and then you sidle back in.

#### BEN

So basically you get to be Link? 

#### ALEX

Sure! Yeah, yeah! 

#### BEN

The Link in, what is it, A Link Between Worlds?

#### LYDIA

I was thinking more Fez.

#### BEN

Or Fez, yeah.

#### ALEX

See, I always thought it was like the crawstep from the Nac Mac Feegle in the Terry Pratchett books. You just do a little bit of a wiggle and then you're out of the area for a while, and then you come back. _(laughing)_ Anyway -- 

#### LYDIA

_(advertising voice)_ What about listeners at home? Do *you* have any instances of people hiding behind dimensional space?

#### ALEX

_(advertising voice)_ If you do, get on our dedicated forum, where we'll have a thread dedicated to hiding in extra-dimensional spaces. 

#### LYDIA

Write it on a postcard, and just look at it.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Right, I think that's quite enough preamble. So we'll do a quick recap for listeners at home, but obviously the story is starting to get a bit longer, so it's going to be a bit of a fly-by-wire.

The Simulacrum was stolen and/or destroyed, later found to be definitely in bits. The party got sent back down into Other London to find the people that did it via a quick sidestep through one of Sasha's old friends, who made a quick deal which Hamid, potentially foolishly, accepted.

#### BRYN

I'm a halfling. If there a cursed magic ring, we all know where it's going to be.

##### [UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

So after... 

#### BRYN

_(choking up)_ I'm just as beautiful as Elijah Wood!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

On the inside.

#### ALEX & LYDIA

_(pained on Hamid's behalf)_ Awww. 

#### JAMES

I thought it was a more plausible claim. Isn't he a movie star? I don't know, I've never seen the films. Like, I don't care.

#### BRYN

I meant in-character --

#### JAMES

Oh. 

#### BRYN

My character is explicitly beautiful. 

#### JAMES

Right! Fine. Good.

#### ALEX

You just make valued comments on your co-stars, James, that's fine. 

#### BRYN

_(fake-teary)_ James doesn't think I'm pretty. 

##### [SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

And the party got moved on to a compound which was by the Thames -- for some of you the first time you've ever seen the river, because it just disappears beneath the glut that is London. And you guys manage to lore _(sic)_ off a pair of guards and their dogs. 

#### JAMES(?)

"Lore"? We dazzled them with our obscure knowledge. 

#### BEN

"Did you know?" "I didn't! I will come with you, sir!"

#### JAMES

They call me the Trivia Whisperer. Pub quiz this way, guys, come on in! Come on in!

#### BEN

We're just Stephen Fry, dazzling people with our general knowledge. 

#### ALEX

In fairness, Hamid did *lure* them with the *lore* of a statue they'd never seen. 

#### BRYN

That's true. 

#### ALEX

So they all came to investigate, found Bertie stood there all gold-ed up, all glammed up. 

##### [LYDIA SNICKERS, REMEMBERING]

#### JAMES

To be fair, Bertie probably does look a bit like Stephen Fry. He's very tall, lots of mottles(?), very keen on Apple products, supports Norwich City... all of this. Yeah. It's all a backstory, it's only because they've got canaries -- they're birds, you see.

#### BRYN

True. 

#### JAMES

Anyhow, carry on. 

#### ALEX

So you guys managed to ambush them successfully after having lost that fight earlier in Other London. So you managed to turn things around, and you really got the drop on these guys.

#### BRYN

I didn't even really -- I *literally* didn't need to do anything. I had one action, it was "I wait!" While the rest of you just slaughtered them. 

#### ALEX

I like to think of it as a really calculated wait. 

#### BRYN

Oh, it was. Oh, absolutely. 

#### ALEX

So you, Sasha, Zolf, and then with Hamid playing good cop, managed to interrogate the remaining guard and find out that there are at least three people inside, and that the area had been trapped.

And also then, Zolf had a little bit of a share with everyone...

#### BEN

I revealed a troubling religious belief. 

#### ALEX

Indeed. Zolf does have a thing about drowning people that he thinks deserve it in the eyes of his god.

#### BEN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

I mean, you know, it's Poseidon. No one said he was nice. 

#### BEN

Playing the executioner. 

#### ALEX

Mmm, a little bit. So the deal that you seem to have struck with the rest of the party was that you would, erm... 

#### BEN

Leave these guys alone because they seemed reasonably not super-culpable, but definitely do it to their leader because he seemed like a real nasty person. 

#### ALEX

So we're going to pick up exactly after that discussion between Zolf and Hamid. You guys are at the pool with a couple of unconscious guards, a dog that's laid out, and, ooh, I forgot to mention...

#### JAMES

_(gasps)_ I've got a doggy! I've got a doggy. Bertie's got a doggy called Brutor!

##### [ALEX MAKES "WURR-WURR-WURR" DOG NOISES]

#### JAMES

_(as Bertie)_ He's an idiot and I don't have time to train him to do anything before this combat.

#### ALEX

Wurr-wurr-wurr.

#### JAMES

I wonder if he's just going to go off and have his own little adventures in the corner, as a comic subplot to the comic relief character, during this combat.

#### ALEX

I smell a spin-off! Okay, so let's pick up where we left off.

##### [SOUND OF DISTANT RUSHING WATER FADES BACK IN]

Go. 

#### SASHA

I've got fourteen daggers, can you see, like, I've got *fourteen.* 

##### [BERTIE MAKES MORE DOG NOISES AT BRUTOR]

#### SASHA

Are you guys still...?

#### ZOLF

No, I think, I think that's resolved, right? 

#### SASHA

_(overlapping)_ *Fourteen.*

#### ZOLF

Are we good? 

#### HAMID

For now. 

#### ZOLF

For now. 

#### HAMID

I guess. 

#### ZOLF

But we're agreed? 

#### HAMID

Yeah, I think so. 

#### SASHA

Do you want a dagger? 

#### HAMID

_(quiet)_ No, thank you. 

#### JAMES

Bertie runs back over.

#### BERTIE

Hello again, chaps! Right, so hitting people with things, shall we? 

#### ZOLF

I think that's probably a good idea if we get down to business.

#### HAMID

Yeah.

#### BERTIE

Now, any traps in the building ahead, young lady? 

#### SASHA

Well, like, that guy just said there would be traps. 

#### HAMID

Yeah, he said there would be three people and some traps. 

#### SASHA

And one of them can do magic and stuff. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah, I think he said the leader -- was it Guy?

#### HAMID

Guy, yeah.

#### ZOLF

Might do magic. Shouldn't be too much of a problem. 

#### HAMID

I hope not. _(nervously)_ Heh heh.

Um...

#### SASHA

So do you want to -- we could go around the back, that's how I usually get in places.

#### ZOLF

We've taken out the perimeter, guys, that was the entire point, so we can just wander up. 

#### SASHA

Right. 

#### HAMID

I think just the front gate. I mean, some of you can climb really well, erm... some of the rest of us can't.

#### BRYN

I look pointedly at the two men in large armour, one of whom has one leg. 

#### BERTIE

I'm very good at *trying.* 

#### SASHA

Right. Alright, well, you do your statue thing, we'll wheel you through the front gate.

#### ZOLF

What, a statue delivery? 

#### BERTIE

You three could hide inside me and then when they go to open me, "Whoaaaaaa, adventurers!"

#### SASHA

_(Lydia snickering)_ It worked surprisingly well last time. 

#### ZOLF

I think "surprising" is the operative word there. So I think we discussed sending you in first to deactivate the traps. 

#### SASHA

Right. 

#### ZOLF

Bearing in mind that --

#### HAMID

Not to do any confrontation. 

#### SASHA

Loving this plan, yeah. 

#### ZOLF

Bearing in mind that I'm not particularly quiet in my movements. Nor is Bertie, so --

#### BERTIE

Bored now! 

#### JAMES

And Bertie then marches off in the direction of the front gate. Relatively slowly, but he's still definitely marching off in the direction of the front gate. 

#### ZOLF

I don't -- I -- Bertie, Bertie, come --

#### HAMID

I think that's the right idea.

#### BRYN

I scamper after him. 

#### LYDIA

I'll just make sure -- like, I look at Zolf like, "these idiots," and then run quietly but I am faster than them.

#### BERTIE

_(singsong)_ Going off to hit some things, going off to hit some things. 

#### HAMID

Well, we should just wait outside the front gates while Sasha gets rid of any of the traps, you don't want to explode accidentally. 

#### BERTIE

_(disappointed)_ No. 

#### LYDIA

I want to run up to the front -- the side of the wall on the outside. I'm explaining this really badly, but like, basically flat against the wall and sneak up to the door, so that someone looking out over from the top would not see me. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, that's fine. So you're pushing yourself up against the wall so that they can't get a line of sight on you. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, yeah. And then -- so I assume that means I have to cover some ground, but I have covered that before. 

#### ALEX

Honestly, it's fine. We can skip to: everyone is up against the wall, and Sasha is now making her approach to... 

#### LYDIA

The door. 

#### ALEX

To the main gate. 

#### BRYN

The three of us should be at the corner while Sasha deals with the gate, probably. 

#### ALEX

Yes. 

#### LYDIA

Gonna detect some traps! 

#### ALEX

Go for it, give me a Perception roll. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Ah, bad. Okay, so that's 5 *but* plus my new additional -- so that's... I can do maths! -- 12.

#### ALEX

12\. You detect no traps. 

##### [SILENCE]

#### LYDIA

...Oh dear.

#### BEN

It might just mean there are no traps. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, it could. 

#### ALEX

_(delighted)_ Oh, the eternal, eternal quandary for all rogues everywhere. 

#### LYDIA

Do I have anything long to -- prod at the door? 

#### ALEX

Now you're talking about the thing that you might want to be looking at doing, is...

#### LYDIA

You want the rogue log. He keeps telling me to get a log. 

#### ALEX

Well, there's two things that all rogues will enjoy, which is the 10-foot pole for poking things because you're fairly certain it's going to explode --

#### BRYN

It just leads to an arms race between trap manufacturers and pole manufacturers.

##### [LAUGHTER]

It's not economically worthwhile in the long run. 

#### ALEX

And then the Rogue Log, which becomes your new best friend, where you just roll it down corridors and see if things snap at it. 

#### LYDIA

Right. I do not have time to detect again, so I guess I'm going to try and open this door!

#### BRYN

You've got the key. 

#### LYDIA

I -- yes, with the key. 

#### BRYN

Cos you got it from one of the guards.

#### ALEX

_(overlapping)_ Because you lifted it from one of the guards, yeah. 

#### LYDIA

I did. So I unlock the door and beckon them over. 

#### ALEX

The door is unlocked. 

#### LYDIA

Hooray! 

#### ALEX

Doesn't explode. 

#### BRYN

Hooray! 

##### [LYDIA SIGHS IN RELIEF]

#### ALEX

And everyone becomes beckoned. 

#### BEN

Hurrah! I take the Beckoned condition.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Yep, very good. 

#### BEN

Yes, I stump over. 

#### ALEX

Okay, so you're all now beside Sasha and the gate is open. 

#### BEN

Lovely. So...

#### LYDIA

I peer round, I guess. Perception checks? 

#### ALEX

Yeah, if you can give me a Perception check. Unless you want to do the Scooby Doo thing of four heads poking around the gate at the same time? 

#### JAMES

"Boink, boink, boink, boink!" 

#### LYDIA

I think we absolutely should. 

#### BEN

We do have the heights! 

#### ALEX

Oh, go on then. 

#### BRYN

We are a nice distribution of heights. 

#### BEN

Alright, let's do it. We're gonna Scooby Doo it. 

#### ALEX

Everyone give me a Perception check.

#### LYDIA

Shall we do it in order of height? 

#### BEN

Yes.

#### JAMES

Also yes, and I'm only saying this because we've got a dog with us...

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, Scooby is going to be looking around the door. 

#### JAMES

It's gonna be the Scooby Gang. Is it called the Scooby Gang? Okay, cool.

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah, that's Scooby Gang. 

#### BEN

Oh no, oh no, this has happened!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

Who do I want to be? _(immediately answering his own question)_ Daphne.

##### [JAMES CACKLES]

#### LYDIA

Does the dog get a Perception check as well? 

#### JAMES

I think the dog should have a Perception check. Whether it can then communicate any useful information...

#### ALEX

The dog will be getting a Perception check. 

#### LYDIA

And if it... 

#### BEN

If it yelps and runs away, we're like, "Ohhhh."

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

So in order of height, I think? 

#### JAMES

Definitely me first. 

#### ALEX

And it's definitely Bertie's dog, with a roll of 2.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

My Perception is 5. So I can tell there are buildings. 

#### ALEX

Yes, there are!

#### JAMES

Yes. I've done well. 

#### LYDIA

Oh right, me. Er, 20. 

#### ALEX

20\. 

#### LYDIA

Not a natural 20, but...

#### ALEX

Yeah. Anyone else? 

#### BEN

That will be me on an 18. 

#### BRYN

18 as well. 

#### ALEX

Sure. So everyone -- Bertie, yeah, you see there is a compound. "What have I been told that there is a compound is true, there is a compound, it is here."

Sasha and everyone else sees three buildings. There is the hut, which is long, low, it appears to be narrow at this end, so it is longer than it is wide. And it is made of wood and is on stilts, it's a fairly recent build. It looks like it has actually been made fairly well and it wouldn't have taken a large group of people to necessarily make it, maybe a bit of time.

There are two other buildings. 

#### JAMES

How sturdy are the stilts? 

##### [LYDIA LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

No no, it's a fair point. Certainly hackable. They are not heffing great logs, but there are multiple stilts so it's more a case of -- there are, say, twelve stilts holding it up, rather than four with big tree trunk things in each corner. 

#### JAMES

Sure. 

#### ALEX

There are two other buildings, one of which is immediately closest to the gate on the left-hand side. It appears to be in a very bad state of disrepair. It was probably a two-storey building. When you look at it in the context of the larger building, it becomes apparent that it was probably a church and a vicarage. The vicarage is the one that looks to be in very bad repair. Most of the upper floor has gone -- there's a bit, so you could probably, say, go up there and have a look around, but it doesn't look like you could set up shop there. The ground floor -- we have some US listeners: when I say ground floor, I mean the one on the ground floor, when I mean the one above that I mean first floor.

The larger building appears to be a church on closer inspection. You wouldn't have noticed it necessarily at first from a distance, as most of the steeple's gone. But the church has two storeys and in addition it has a raised roof, so there might be a loft in there or something similar. But they obviously are both larger than that hut. 

#### ZOLF

_(whispering)_ I've got an idea, guys. So if Bertie goes for the hut with stilts, chops them down, collapses it, causes a distraction -- while he's in the yard being big and covered in armour -- they'll run out, try and do stuff. We run in, take them from behind. 

#### SASHA

_(also whispering)_ Why don't we set it on fire? 

#### ZOLF

We could also do that, but it makes less of a huge crash.

#### SASHA

_(softly)_ Oh.

#### ZOLF

What do we think? You wanted to do something, you're bored, that would be exciting. 

#### BERTIE

_(normal volume)_ Distractions, you say!

#### HAMID

_(also whispering)_ We should just attack them while they're not ready. If they hear something they'll get time to prepare and cast spells and grab bombs and all that kind of thing. We should just get to them as quickly as possible. 

#### ZOLF

That's fair. Actually, that's a point, do you -- back in the marketplace, didn't you get hold of a bomb?

#### SASHA

Yeah. 

#### ZOLF

So you could lob that from the window? 

#### LYDIA

Well, I don't have a bomb, I have a vial fire flask. 

#### ALEX

Sure. So with the fire flask, the one that you were throwing is a direct hit, it's not a splash. It will do 1D6 of fire damage. 

#### BRYN

Don't you still have the thunderstone? 

#### LYDIA

Oh, yes, I do!

#### ALEX

You do have a thunderstone, which is an area of effect, but it will only deafen them. It will not deal actual physical damage. 

#### BRYN

But it will confuse them and stop them casting spells...

#### LYDIA

Yes. 

#### ALEX

It will interfere with spell casting. It doesn't silence the person, but they do take a significant penalty to try and make any kind of magic happen. 

#### LYDIA

I think that would be a pretty good distraction, yeah. 

#### ZOLF

Alright, so do you think we need to clear out the inside of the building outside of that room first and disarm the traps in there so we can rush 'em, or shall we...?

#### HAMID

It looks like they are on the second floor. If we can just get to the bottom of the stairs without tipping them off, then you can throw a bomb inside. 

#### SASHA

So like, I could... but then I need both places, right. Because I need to undo the traps *and* I need to climb up out the outside and throw the thing in? 

#### ZOLF

We've got them by surprise. Scout in, come back out and we'll head in and you throw the bomb.

#### SASHA

Alright, Sasha saves the day...

#### LYDIA

_(snickering a little)_ I go into the front door. 

#### HAMID

We'll stick to the fence. If we move slowly we won't tip them off, we'll stick to the fence and we'll get to the door. 

#### SASHA

Stay out the way while I do the adventurin'.

#### LYDIA

Right, so, because Sasha has been told that there are traps here and she doesn't like getting exploded on and she has seen big explosions, she is going to take a Perception check for every single step. But I think maybe that might take a while, so how are we going to play that? 

#### ALEX

Yeah. For a lot of -- I've known game masters who would require you to search every 5ft square and it makes...

#### JAMES

Who *are* these people?

##### [BEN SAYS SOMETHING UNINTELLIGIBLE]

#### ALEX

It makes me want to jump off bridges. Let's not do that. What I'm going to do is, you have said "I am being careful and watching out for traps," so rather than doing a roll of each one you can just effectively say, yeah.

I'm taking into account that if you run into something that you might run into, I'll get you to do a roll. What I will do, though, is I will get you to do a roll, say, for the journey across, and depending on that roll, you wouldn't necessarily know... so if you got a low number on the roll you wouldn't have even known that you passed the trap, if you get a high number you know where that trap is. Do you see what I mean?

It would be like, I would get you to roll to go across a minefield...

#### LYDIA

Right. 

#### ALEX

If you rolled high you know where the mines are. If you don't roll high you don't know where the mines are. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. 

#### ALEX

But it's still over a larger area, it's just to speed it up. 

#### LYDIA

Oh, okay, right. 

#### ALEX

Just ask one thing: are you skirting the wall or are you going through the middle? 

#### LYDIA

I am skirting -- oh, yeah, we're skirting the wall. 

#### BRYN

We're skirting the wall. 

#### ALEX

Okay, that's fine. Then give me a single check to get up to the front door of the church. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Oh, it's -- it's still 15. 

#### ALEX

15, sure. You skirt the wall. You do not encounter any traps.

#### LYDIA

Cool.

##### ALEX

You do, however, get a glance inside the smaller building -- what we'll call the vicarage -- and it appears that there is some kind of stockpile of stuff in there. You can't really see what. 

#### LYDIA/SASHA

_(eyes audibly wide)_ Ahhh, stuff... 

#### ALEX

But --

#### HAMID

_(hissing)_ Later! 

#### LYDIA

I think Sasha would have said that under her breath.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

I've got good perception, I have. 

#### ALEX

Okay, so you make it to the front doors of the church, which are locked. 

#### LYDIA

Ooh, locked.

#### ALEX

I will get you to do another check to see if the doors are trapped. 

#### LYDIA

Right, yes. 

#### ALEX

Because now you are in. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Ooh, so that's 16. I'm adding the one bonus now, by the way. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah. 

#### LYDIA

So that's... 

#### ALEX

We should spell out, it was something I hadn't mentioned earlier for listeners -- rogues also add half of their level to all checks for traps and half of their level to all Disable Devices. It hasn't mattered before now, but as Sasha continues to level up it will matter more and more. 

#### LYDIA

I should say that whilst it barely matters now, I did realise when I was listening back to them that in the first two episodes, close listeners at home might notice that my Perception went up by one in between episodes, and it was just because I was reading the wrong number. 

#### ALEX

We'll just say you were drunk for the first two episodes. 

##### [JAMES CACKLES]

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### BEN

It's alright. The way I've been dealing with my cleric stuff is a *mess,* but it's going to get better, so -- keep those angry emails to yourself!

#### JAMES

We're all just drunk all the time, guys. In case anybody is wondering, drinking is cool and it will make you seem more popular and grown up. 

#### ALEX

He says, on the family friendly podcast. So Sasha searches for the traps and gets...?

#### LYDIA

I do, well... it was, I can do this -- it's 16. 

#### ALEX

16, right.

You detect a trap. 

#### LYDIA

Yay. 

#### ALEX

So as you approach the door, you start carefully prodding the mud in front. 

#### LYDIA

I push everyone back. 

#### ALEX

And you find that there is a loose flagstone on the top step --

#### LYDIA

Mm!

#### ALEX

And you discern that it is definitely intentionally loose, and we'll treat that as a trap. 

#### BEN

Ooh, it's a classic. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. Do I just roll... 

#### JAMES

Tripping hazard. 

#### LYDIA

Disable Device? 

#### ALEX

Yes. 

#### LYDIA

Okay.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Oh gosh. Oh dear.

#### BRYN

We back up before she rolls. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, so that's, it's a total of... wait, I get another plus one on that as well, don't I. So that's 11. 

#### ALEX

11 total.

##### [LYDIA INHALES THROUGH HER TEETH]

#### ALEX

So as you go to Disable Device, you start faffing with the stone. 

#### LYDIA

Oh dear...

#### ALEX

And you start to feel something grinding underneath --

#### LYDIA

Oh no.

#### ALEX

And given what you've experienced before you're fairly certain that what they've done is propped a very heavy stone directly on top of a thunderstone. 

#### LYDIA

Ah. 

#### ALEX

And the thunderstone is taking the weight of that stone, so that if anyone trod on it the thunderstone would crack and make a loud noise. 

#### LYDIA

Ah ha. 

#### ALEX

Unfortunately your roll wasn't high enough to disarm the trap. 

#### LYDIA

Oh no! 

#### ALEX

So as you reach down there is a --

##### [SFX: EXPLOSION]

#### ALEX

And the stone falls. It doesn't do any damage to anyone, you're not deafened because it's underneath a stone. However, it was a significantly loud noise. 

#### LYDIA

Right. Oh dear. 

#### ALEX

And almost *certainly* other people have heard that. All of the party definitely heard a loud noise, but you're not deafened by any stretch. 

#### BEN

When that goes off I will shout,

#### ZOLF

Chuck the bomb! 

#### LYDIA

Right, and I -- okay, so I will try and throw the bomb through the... window! 

#### BRYN

First floor window. 

#### LYDIA

In the first floor window. 

#### BRYN

Roll initiative?

#### ALEX

I will let you throw the bomb before and then we will go into initiative. Okay? 

#### LYDIA

Right, so I'm lobbing it. It is directly, it is on the first floor. 

#### ALEX

Is this throwing the thunderstone that you had, or is this the fire flask? 

#### LYDIA

This is the thunderstone. 

#### ALEX

Give me an attack roll, make it good. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

15\. 

#### LYDIA

So that's 15, and then...

#### ALEX

Ooooh, a total of... so your attack bonus? 

#### LYDIA

Is one. 

#### BRYN

It's the throw -- no, it's the throw... I've written that on your sheet now. 

#### LYDIA

Four. 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

So it's... 

#### JAMES

19\. 

#### ALEX

19 total. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

You successfully throw the thunderstone. It smashes through a second-storey window --

##### [SFX: GLASS SMASHES]

#### BRYN

Destroying some ancient and beautiful examples of stained glass. 

#### ALEX

Oh, of course it was incredibly valuable, but you know, wocka wocka wocka!

So you throw the thunderstone in and there is a loud --

##### [SFX: VERY CLOSE-BY EXPLOSION]

#### ALEX

And all of the windows blow out --

#### LYDIA

Amazing!

#### ALEX

-- showering glass. Thankfully, the angle that everyone has taken relative to the vicarage means that you guys are safe from the showering glass.

#### LYDIA

Uh-huh.

#### ALEX

And we will then roll for initiative, and while we do that we're going to take a couple of minute break for the listeners, and when you come back we will be ready to start some combat!

#### LYDIA

Whoop whoop! 

------

##### [AD BREAK]

------

#### ALEX

And welcome back. So we now have taken all of our initiatives, so we will start with... someone who isn't the party.

#### BEN & ALEX

_(dramatic drum-roll style)_ Duh duh duh duhhh. 

#### BRYN

Hopefully he's going, "Oh, I'm deaf!" 

##### [SHORT PAUSE]

#### ALEX

They've done their move.

##### [A FEW SNICKERS]

Okay, can we start with Sasha? 

#### LYDIA

I'm not going to be able to kick the door down, so I want to climb up. So potentially to throw because you need to be able to aim the vial, the fire flask, so -- climb up above the door. 

#### ALEX

Sure, in which case, give me a Climb check. 

#### LYDIA

Right. My Climb is now four.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

So that's 23. 

#### ALEX

Ooh! Ooh, grand. Okay, it will take you a standard action to climb just because of the nature of the building, and so you would still have a move action if you want, but you cannot climb and throw in this turn. 

#### LYDIA

Can I...? 

#### BRYN

Your move action should be to draw, probably. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

What I would say as well is, just for listeners, we're now running into something that everyone encounters at some point, which is "vertical gameplay in tabletop games."

There's one solution, of course, which is that you spend an enormous amount of money and make a really, really high multi-levelled thing, or... 

#### LYDIA

Should I make a grid of wall? 

#### ALEX

What -- yeah. What I tend to do is I tend to make a separate floor map for a second floor and for anyone who is raised above a normal map...

#### BEN

Plonk them on the dice. 

#### ALEX

We put them on a dice. 

#### BRYN & LYDIA

Ahhh. 

#### ALEX

Okay, so Sasha. She gets up, drawing her vial as her move action. Her standard action is to climb and peep in through the blown-out window.

#### LYDIA

Mhm.

#### ALEX

What she sees is a room which is full of crates and some barrels.

#### LYDIA

Ooh, stuff!

#### ALEX

Yeah, definitely stuff. And there looks to be a small contained cooking fire, a few bunk beds and what looks like someone was in the process of cooking. All the chairs are thrown back and the food has been dropped. As you see, two of them are still pulling their wits together, one of them is already making it and darting through the doorway at the far end of the building, presumably to head down some stairs to the ground floor.

#### LYDIA

Mhm.

#### ALEX

The room itself is very much half-store room, half-living room. It looks like they may be very well-equipped, but it doesn't seem like they are particularly luxurious surroundings with which they have been living in.

So, Hamid, you're up. 

#### BRYN

I would like to ready an action. My action is to rush into the building once the door has been opened. ...Hopefully by Bertie. 

#### ALEX

Is that your wording? You rush into the building once the door is opened? 

##### [A LONG PAUSE]

#### LYDIA

Aww, Hamid. 

#### BEN

Ooh, it's like a genie's wish. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, Hamid the hero. 

#### BRYN

I, yeah. Not rush fully, just rush in -- just one step inside the door, that's all. I mean, that's all the movements people have had, anyway. 

#### ALEX

I'm going to throw you a bone. Potentially you may want to clarify if one of your party opens the door. 

#### JAMES

I was going to say, "follow me," I think might be the... 

#### BRYN

Yeah, okay, that's -- thank you. Yes.

#### ALEX

So if a party member opens the door, you step through it? 

#### BRYN

Yes. 

#### ALEX

That's fine. 

#### BRYN

And I'll load my crossbow as I go. 

#### ALEX

Mhm. I'm not a pedant, but with readied actions it very specifically says "be clear," and it could come back and bite you in the bum.

#### BRYN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

Okay, you, Sasha, see one of the other people gets their stuff together and also darts out of the doorway at the far end. You then see a third one, one who is a bit better-dressed -- I should describe all of them once I've described this -- also darts to the stairway.

You recognise all of them, I should spell out. 

#### LYDIA

Ohh. 

#### ALEX

One of them is one of the ones who got away from Edison's house. 

#### LYDIA

Right. 

#### ALEX

The second one is also one who got away from Edison's house. And the third one, it's a face that you've seen in Other London. You do not know them personally, they are not important to you. 

#### LYDIA

Alright. 

#### ALEX

But it's almost certain that this guy just fell in with this crowd at some point in the past. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. Yep.

#### ALEX

You don't even know their name, but it is a face that is familiar to you.

#### LYDIA

Mhm.

#### ALEX

The one who you will remember was referred to as Guy back at Edison's -- they said Guy was away -- is a gentleman. Very, very limber-looking, seems better-dressed than the others. Not poshly dressed by any means, but seems to be wearing potentially Upper London garb. Nothing opulent, though. 

#### LYDIA

Garb!

#### ALEX

Mhm. Long, brunette hair, and a goatee. 

#### JAMES

Evil.

#### ALEX

Eeeevil!

#### JAMES

Clearly evil. 

#### BEN

Someone has seen a drawing of an evil person and thought, "I'm going to be a villain."

#### JAMES

He has also got a moustache and eyepatch and a British accent. 

#### ALEX

_(snickering)_ I'm afraid not. 

#### JAMES

Is he played by Malcolm McDowell? 

#### ALEX

We'll have to wait and find out. 

#### JAMES

Okay. 

#### ALEX

Also, the other one who you saw dash -- you only caught the tail end of the one who had already moved before you, so you didn't see who that was --

#### LYDIA

Okay. 

#### ALEX

The other you recognise as the one who you were chasing through the basements. 

#### LYDIA

Ahhh!

#### ALEX

Yeah, short hair and wearing just non-descript Other London garb at this point. They do, however, appear to have grabbed belts and so on that were beside them on chairs as they were dashing out, so they are probably equipping themselves on the fly. 

#### LYDIA

So they've gone out that way? 

#### ALEX

Indeed. They've gone out the opposite side of the church to the bit that you're hanging off. 

#### LYDIA

Right. Can I -- do I have time to whisper "they're coming" to the others? 

#### BRYN

Not *whisper,* you're up a building. 

#### LYDIA

Well I can shout, right --

#### SASHA

They're on their way! 

#### ALEX

And next up, it's Bertie. You are up. 

#### JAMES

Super, okay. So the door, the front door of the building is locked? Unlocked? 

#### LYDIA

Locked. 

#### ALEX

It is currently locked. 

#### JAMES

Cool. 

#### BRYN

Charge it! 

#### JAMES

Can I charge the door and then barge through it and then just attack the first person I see in a heroic...

#### ALEX

You can barge through the door, you can't barge through *and* attack the people. 

#### JAMES

Okay. 

#### BRYN

You probably need to attack the door to open it. 

#### JAMES

_(as Bertie)_ Doors, you say! Inanimate objects, brilliant. _(normally)_ Right. I charge the door really hard. 

#### BRYN

Power attack! 

#### JAMES

Power attack -- I power attack the door. 

#### ALEX

Power attack the door, go for it. So you roll your D20 to hit. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

15, plus... 

#### ALEX

15 -- it's a door, so it's... 

#### JAMES

_(cheering)_ Yeahhh! 

#### ALEX

Sorry, it's quite literally the size of a barn door as well, so you're effectively rolling to hit the side of a barn and have passed!

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

Even if you take your minus one because you're doing a power attack...

#### JAMES

_(overlapping)_ Power attack.

#### BRYN

Well, you get a plus two for the charge. 

#### JAMES

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

Mhm. So you get plus two. 

#### JAMES

Straight into a barn door! 

#### ALEX

Yep, so in total you're definitely hitting. 

#### JAMES

Right. 

#### ALEX

So roll your damage. 

#### JAMES

Which is D10 plus three, and that's a D10...

#### BRYN

So you'll do plus five because of the power attack. 

#### JAMES

Ooh, lovely. 

#### BRYN

Instead of plus three. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

Seven, 12. 

#### ALEX

12\. Bertie, with his weapon and shield already in place...

Actually, describe how you'll charge, how you'll attack. Would you barge it with your shield which I'd allow, would you attack with the sword, what would you do? 

#### JAMES

A combination of shield and hack with the sword at the same time, and face first.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

With an almighty bellow!

#### BERTIE

How dare you defy me, door! 

##### [BEN AND LYDIA CACKLE]

#### ALEX

So effectively what you're doing is swinging your left arm wildly, swinging your right arm wildly and going,

##### [ALEX SCREAMS HORRIFICALLY LOUDLY]

#### JAMES

Roaaaaarrrrr! 

#### ALEX

Yeah, you successfully *slam* into the door.

##### [SFX: SOUNDS OF WOOD SMASHING]

Bit of stuff and mortar drop, Sasha almost needs to make a Reflex save not to fall from the impact, but nonetheless you burst through the door and it swings open.

What you see are the far side of the church coming down a stairway, like an open stairway. You see one of the party who is -- yeah, just non-descript urban clothing for Other London. I will add it to the map in a second. 

#### JAMES

Not the swish one? 

#### ALEX

Not the swish one. 

#### JAMES

Okay, cool. 

#### ALEX

It's the first one that Sasha didn't really catch a good glimpse of but recognised  as Other London-y.

#### JAMES

Yep.

#### ALEX

You see a set of pews are kind of haphazardly arranged, they appear to have been pushed to the side. All they are really doing is giving you difficult cumbersome terrain at the edges. 

#### JAMES

Pew pew, pew pew, pew pew!

#### ALEX

Yeah.

#### JAMES

Sorry. 

#### ALEX

You see the entrance to what you presume is the steeple. 

#### JAMES

Okay. 

#### ALEX

And him, stood in the entrance at the exact opposite end. Now you've used your entire turn, but there is a clear, straight run from you to him and vice versa.

Okay, next, Bryn's readied action goes off. You enter and...

#### BRYN

I slip just behind Bertie and into the corner. 

#### ALEX

Well technically, actually, here's a thing for listeners. When someone moves through your square, you are required to either allow them to move through your square or *resist* them moving through your square, because you're occupying sort of a very narrow space.

Will you allow Hamid through, or will you just block him? 

#### JAMES

_(grandly)_ I will allow you through my square. 

#### BRYN

Aw, what a gentleman. 

#### JAMES

Yes. 

#### ALEX

To save time, I may go ahead and assume that the party *aren't* trying to sabotage each other at every step,

##### [LYDIA MAKES A DISAPPOINTED SOUND; SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

But do pipe up if you decide that you want to sabotage.

Okay. After Bertie, it is Bertie's dog, who rolled a natural one, same as our good old friend Zolf. But this natural one was higher because it had a higher inherent initiative.

##### [LAUGHTER]

##### [BEN MAKES DOGGY NOISES]

#### JAMES

This a dog that is actually drowning in its own spit. He is playing very poor, genetically speaking. 

#### ALEX

The dog proceeds to go "ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff." That's the dog's turn.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

Moral support!

#### ALEX

Zolf, you are up. 

#### BEN

Okay, cool.

##### [A FEW SHORT SOLID CLUNKS]

Right. 

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

You could at *least* double-move. 

#### BEN

Oh, I could! Yes, I am going to.

##### [SOME MORE CLUNKS]

There we go. 

#### ALEX

Zolf moves his formidable four squares and is now facing and looking over Bertie's shoulder into the church. 

#### JAMES

He's not looking over my shoulder -- looking through my legs. 

#### BEN

Well, given the elevation of the church as well...

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, you are quite literally staring through Bertie's legs. 

#### BEN

I have icicles. I am going to be firing them through your thighs. 

##### [JAMES AND LYDIA CACKLE]

#### ALEX

Okay, now -- 

#### LYDIA

Not the space *between* his thighs, then, just through his flesh. 

##### [ALEX MAKES A DISGUSTED NOISE]

#### BEN

It depends how accurate... 

#### ALEX

We'll see how they roll. So the person who came downstairs appears to be wielding a shortsword. Without further ado, charges straight at Bertie... 

#### JAMES

Bonk. 

#### ALEX

Yep! And gives an attack on Bertie. There was no difficult terrain, the difficult terrain is to either side. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

No! 

#### ALEX

Ooh, rolls a 19. I'm going to double-check the stats, but I know it will be a hit. 

#### BRYN

If he's having a charge action, he gets a plus two. 

#### ALEX

It's definitely a hit, I'm trying to check what the *critical* range is. 

#### LYDIA

Oh no!

#### ALEX

It *is* critical. 

#### JAMES

Gah!

#### BRYN

He's got to confirm the critical. 

#### ALEX

Yes, that's very true --

##### [DICE ROLLS]

-- and does not!

#### JAMES

Hooray. 

#### ALEX

So it's just a normal hit. 

#### JAMES

Phew! 

#### BEN

That would have been an exciting start to the fight. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

And deals one damage to Bertie. 

#### JAMES

Oh, that's quite a nuisance. I think he might have accidentally shaved quite a nice little, just a little dash in my eyebrow, so it looks like I'm now from the 1990s.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

He sent you forward in the future!

#### JAMES

Whoaaaaa! Yeah.

#### ALEX

That's the entire move. 

#### LYDIA

Only his eyebrow. 

#### JAMES

Only my eyebrow. 

#### ALEX

Sasha. 

#### LYDIA

Right, well, now because they didn't wait for people to come out, I'm stuck to the side of a building!

#### ALEX

You could fit through the window, if you chose. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, I'm thinking that it would be the most fun for me to climb up, come round the top and then try and sneak up on people around the back.

#### BEN

Like a true rogue. 

#### BRYN

Absolutely. 

#### ALEX

*Good* rogueing. That's fine, we will. 

#### LYDIA

What do I need to roll? 

#### ALEX

Let's skip the Acrobatics check because it's a large church window and you are very good at what you do, that's fine.

So you enter into the upper floor. I will say, for the sake of ease, you will be able to get right behind the people who are still in the stairwell.

#### LYDIA

Okay, cool. 

#### ALEX

And that will be a whole turn, just to speed things up. 

#### LYDIA

_(disappointed)_ Oh, okay. So no stabbing? 

#### ALEX

Honestly you wouldn't want to anyway, tactically, because... 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, right. They can't see me, though? 

#### ALEX

But they have no idea you're there. 

#### LYDIA

Okay, cool.

#### BEN

It's the thing that happened in the market -- if you stabbed them now, you'd end up in a one-on-one fight. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

#### BEN

But what you want is to be at the back of a group fight, just stabbin' them up. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, I'm throwing you a bit of a bone. 

#### LYDIA

And how narrow is this stairwell, cos...? 

#### ALEX

It is a spiral staircase and narrow. 

#### LYDIA

So if they are going down and I start stabbing them in the back, I think they should remain -- it should *remain* a flanking move, because they cannot turn around. 

#### BEN

And also historically it is a bit easier to fight, you know... 

#### ALEX

You did spell out that Sasha was right-handed. 

#### ALL

Mmmm. 

#### ALEX

But either way, you are directly behind them. They do not know you are there. 

#### LYDIA

_(whispering)_ Like a shadow! Spooky shadow. 

#### JAMES

Sorry to be a pedant, which is a phrase you'll almost never hear me say, but if it's a spiral staircase and Sasha is right-handed, does the spiral staircase spiral down anti-clockwise? 

#### ALEX

Here's a fun fact for you. All spiral staircases spiral in such a way that the person who is higher on the spiral staircase has free use of their right arm, so that the defender always has the advantage, and that was why knights were always right-handed and not left-handed. If you were a left-handed knight you couldn't be a knight, *but* obviously there were a lot of left-handed knights, they just would only fight with their right-hand sword. 

#### JAMES

That's interesting. I did not know that. 

#### BEN

It was a tactical decision for castles and stuff. 

#### ALEX

I even then went to a castle and checked it out, totally real. Totally a thing. 

#### LYDIA

I think there's a big plaque in Corfe Castle that explained this. 

#### ALEX

It's really useful.

##### [FASCINATED NOISES FROM EVERYONE]

#### ALEX

So after Sasha, it's Hamid. 

#### BRYN

I'm quite upset! I'm standing next to Bertie, which I am a fan of, but there's a guy literally right next to me as well, an enemy with a weapon. 

#### ALEX

Yep. 

#### BRYN

And that is not where I like to be in a fight. 

##### [SNICKERS]

#### BEN

You are an un-fan of that. 

#### BRYN

Yes. I am going to drop my crossbow. My crossbow is on a strap, so when I say "drop" it sort of falls to my thigh rather than to the floor. 

#### ALEX

Yeah. And for listeners, we have had this discussion ahead of character creation, he isn't just inventing this stuff on the fly.

#### BRYN

As an experienced LARP-er I have done this for real as well. The strap is very useful. 

#### BEN

The strap is good. 

#### BRYN

Because I am then going to cast a spell, but the thing is, when I cast a spell I can cast *defensively,* which means I can potentially avoid the attack of opportunity. 

#### ALEX

Because when it comes to casting, most spells would present an attack opportunity where the person sees that you're trying to cast a spell and gets a quick jab in. Doing it defensively boosts --

#### BRYN

Well, I have to pass my Concentration check. 

#### ALEX

If he passes his Concentration check, it boosts his defence against their attack. 

#### BEN

And that's why in the first scene, we took the other boring feat of Combat Casting.

#### BRYN

_(singsong)_ Combat Casting!

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Eyyyyyyy!

#### BRYN

I roll 1.

#### LYDIA

This is becoming a habit for us. 

#### BRYN

Almost certainly doesn't work. 

#### ALEX

Well, Hamid is still learning not to panic in the moment. 

#### BRYN

Yes. 

#### ALEX

So you fail your Concentration check. Are you still able to cast? 

#### BRYN

I still get to cast, but he gets an attack opportunity, and if I take damage I have to make *another* Concentration check for my spell not to explode. 

#### ALEX

Correct. 

#### BRYN

In my face. 

#### ALEX

_(stage whispering)_ Spoilers -- he'll take the attack of opportunity, Bryn!

#### BRYN

Well, duh.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

What's your AC? 

#### BRYN

Er, 13\. 

#### ALEX

It will be a hit, I believe. 

#### BRYN

_(muttering)_ Of course it will. _(louder, despairing)_ Why am I standing next to an enemy? 

#### LYDIA

Because Hamid wants to be a hero and you roleplay well. 

#### ALEX

So what spell were you going to cast? 

#### BRYN

Magic Missile. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

And deals almost the highest he can roll, a five. 

#### BRYN

5 damage. 

#### ALEX

Yep. 

#### BRYN

It's cool, I've got loads of hit points now. 

#### ALEX

Oh, you rested, you slept and all of the things.

#### BRYN

Right. So I must make a Concentration check where DC equals a 10, plus the damage taken, plus the level of the spell I'm casting. 

#### JAMES

15, 16? 

#### BRYN

Yeah. And my Combat Casting doesn't help with this because it's only for the first one. 

#### ALEX

No, yeah. 

#### BEN

Oh, just roll over a 16.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

No. 

#### BRYN

7\. 

#### ALEX

So the spell fails. 

#### BRYN

The spell fails. 

#### ALEX

Yep. 

#### LYDIA

Does it explode and do *you* damage? Just -- when you said "explode in your face," I didn't know if that was a thing that actually happens? 

#### ALEX

Certain types of spell failure can explode in your face. A lot of it depends on the type of spell. 

#### BRYN

Normally it's if you roll *really* badly. 

#### ALEX

Like, if they were to roll cripplingly terribly, there is a whole set of tables which I *will* make use of at some point which lists -- there's a hundred options. Option 100 is, "What is the worst thing that you can imagine, GM? That happens." Some of them are, "A limb just disappears, never to return."

#### LYDIA

_(quietly)_ Oh no!

#### ALEX

"Your face is..." 

#### BEN

Heh. Been there, done that. 

#### ALEX

"Your mouth seals up"... like, there are loads of different tables for spell failures depending on the spells, if you want to play it properly, very hardcore with the rules. In this case frankly the failures weren't bad enough, and especially for a simple Magic Missile, not really.

So. I'm afraid Hamid's spell fails, the attack of opportunity happened. Then, the friend of the one who has just slashed Hamid makes it down the stairs. Now he can't charge Bertie because he'd be charging through his friend, and similarly he can't *really* get an attack on without necessarily hurting his friend. So what he will do is he will step to the entrance of the steeple... and draw a very familiar-looking flask for everyone.

##### [BRYN GASPS]

#### ALEX

So after him is the swanky fella. The swanky fella makes it down the stairs to the doorway, takes stock of the situation, and *then* casts a spell. 

#### LYDIA

Is there space for me to have an attack of opportunity while he tries to cast a spell, since I'm directly behind him? 

#### ALEX

You are able to take the attack of opportunity as he moves down the stairs, but he would then become aware of you on the stairs. If you'd like to do that, though, that's fine. 

#### LYDIA

_(thoughtfully)_ I think I would, I think I would like to stab!

##### [LAUGHTER]

Stabbing!

#### ALEX

Do it honestly, don't hesitate, just roll. 

#### JAMES

_(tortured artist-voice)_ I must stab. 

#### LYDIA

She's got *fourteen daggers!*

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

So to retcon, he is starting to move down the stairs, and you go for the attack of opportunity. That's absolutely fine.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Ooh!

#### LYDIA

That's a crit, yeah. 

#### BEN & ALEX

Roll to confirm. 

#### LYDIA

What do you, what? 

#### ALEX

So you have to do another attack roll, and if your second attack roll hits, that counts as a critical. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. I know it will be a 1, I know. 

#### BEN

But it will still be a hit regardless. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Oh no!

#### ALEX

_(cheering)_ Ohhh! 

#### BEN

No, no, doesn't that keep going or is that a... 

#### BRYN

That's a potential house rule!

#### BEN

Ohhh. She just rolled a 20, by the way. 

#### LYDIA

So I rolled a 20. 

##### [ALEX INHALES SLOWLY]

#### ALEX

Oooh. Now I may be opening very dangerous territory -- what I'm going to say is, I won't allow criticals to stack. 

#### BEN

That's fair enough. 

#### ALEX

Less because I want to impede you guys, but you will encounter monsters -- 

#### BRYN

More because they will kill us. 

#### ALEX

-- who are specifically designed to crit again and again and again because they'll have a massive range, and I do not want you guys to face a monster at some point who is obeying the same rules as you who *will* one-shot every single one of you. It *will* happen. 

#### BRYN

I think that's a good decision. 

#### BEN

It becomes a zero-sum game, really. 

#### ALEX

What I will do, however, is because it's a natural 20, I may chuck in a little contextual effect like him tripping up or something. 

#### BEN

If he survives. 

#### ALEX

Very true. 

#### BEN

That's with sneak attack as well. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### BRYN

So you get 2D4 *and* 2D6 damage in total. 

#### ALEX

Because you critted. And to clarify, now imagine if you were doing this with your extra sneak -- like, it stacks. It gets quite high quite quickly. 

#### BRYN

Roll it together. 

#### LYDIA

Roll them together? 

#### BRYN

Everything. 

#### LYDIA

Okay.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Okay, so that's a three and a two, 5, and a three and a one, 4. So 9 damage. 

#### ALEX

Minus the one -- oh no! No, yeah, so that's 9 total. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, do my D4s get minus ones? 

#### BEN

They don't because you're --

#### BRYN

But the D6s get plus ones. 

#### LYDIA

Ah, right. 

#### ALEX

So it all balanced out this time. 

#### LYDIA

Cool. 

#### ALEX

So... 

#### LYDIA

Stabbing is fun. 

#### ALEX

Ooh, that was a *big* hit from Sasha. 

#### LYDIA

I like stabbing. 

#### ALEX

And only on the one attack! So...

#### LYDIA

I do like stabbing, it's the best. Quiet stabbing. 

##### [BRYN & BEN SNICKER]

#### BEN

When he's as squishy as Hamid, he's going to be hurting. 

#### ALEX

So yeah, you get a *formidable* hit, a *really* hard hit on the guy. 

#### LYDIA

Right in his back -- 

#### JAMES

Right in the kidney!

#### LYDIA

Right in his back. 

#### ALEX

He is not happy at all, and he will in fact tumble down the stairs and end up prone at the entrance. 

#### BRYN

Ah, brilliant. 

#### ALEX

I wouldn't normally do that, but I feel like with a natural 20 I'd like to reward it in some way. 

#### LYDIA

Since we did manage in the last, in the combat before last, to roll -- what was it -- four ones in a row and suffer for that, I think it's at least... I think it makes sense. 

#### BEN

Vindication. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, it feels like a fair GM-ing. 

#### ALEX

Cos it's in your favour. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### LYDIA

To be fair, I don't... I mean I complained a bit, but, you know. 

#### ALEX

Okay, so yeah, he isn't going to be able to cast -- certainly not while prone, he's still too busy trying to figure what the heck just happened. Moving onto Bertie. 

#### JAMES

Okay. 

#### BRYN

Kill him, please kill him. 

#### JAMES

He's just going to swing his mighty sword. 

#### BRYN

_(pleading)_ Before he kills me! 

#### JAMES

And attack the chap who is directly in front of him, who just slashed at Hamid. 

#### BEN

Are you power attacking him? 

#### JAMES

I might do, actually, because I've got Weapon Focus: Bastard Sword, which would counteract the minus one?

#### BRYN

Well, so your normal attack bonus is 6. If you power attack it will be an attack bonus of 5. 

#### JAMES

Okay. 

#### BEN

So I mean, it's only one and... it's up to you. 

#### ALEX

Power attacks are deliberately weighted in such a way that if you take the negative to hit you're getting more in the pay-off for damage. So it depends what your goal is. 

#### JAMES

Yeah, let's do it. Bertie's... he's crashed through the door, it has gone splintering all over the side. He is surrounded by wooden shards, his nemesis -- the door -- *vanquished,* laying in pieces around him. *Barely* a matchstick. It has been fragmented into sawdust. This creepy little fellow was charged all the way across him and gently shaved one of his eyebrows.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Hamid appears to have fallen over his own *face.*

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

True story. 

#### JAMES

Punished for his ineptitude, a savage slashing to his tiny little body. Outraged -- *outraged,* Bertie lets out a mighty bellow of:

#### BERTIE

That is very rude!

#### JAMES

Hefts his bastard sword mightily in the air and brings it crashing towards this greasy little oik in front of him. 

#### ALEX

Very good. 

#### BEN

_(thoughtfully)_ You'd make an excellent nanny.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Give me the roll, and let's see if the child gets punished. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

20!

##### [EVERYONE CHEERS]

#### LYDIA

Eyyyyyy!

#### BEN

Confirm it!

#### ALEX

Give me another roll to see if he confirms?

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

15\. Plus attack bonus...

#### BRYN

Plus attack 5. 

#### ALEX

Yep, that's confirmed. 

#### BEN

Ooh, that was a confirmed -- _(faintly)_ *critical power attack.*

_(pauses in awe)_ We're, we're a party of "either it goes *amazingly* or it just goes terribly"!

#### ALEX

I feel like you think that's not natural.

#### BRYN

You will get 2D10 --

#### JAMES

Okay. 

#### BRYN

-- plus ten. 

#### JAMES

2D10 plus 10. In a minute I want you to describe for me what the consequence is because I would like to -- decide what happens in...

#### ALEX

Very much, very much.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

##### [BEN EXHALES IN SLIGHT SHOCK]

#### JAMES

7... is that a 10? 

#### ALEX

That's a 10. 

#### BEN

_(overlapping)_ Yeah, that's a 10.

#### JAMES

17\. 

#### ALEX

*Plus 10?* 

#### LYDIA

_(faintly)_ Oh, my --

#### JAMES

Yeah, 27.

#### ALEX

So *27* at *level two.* 

#### LYDIA

Ohhh, his *organs!* 

#### ALEX

Twenty... okay. 

#### BEN

The organs, the organs!

#### JAMES

Is he definitely dead? 

#### ALEX

You've powered him through *all* of his health, *all* of his negatives, like, with --

##### [BRYN MAKES AN "OHH" OF HORRIFIED AWE]

Let me do the maths, actually. More than five damage is just floating around *spare,* because he's already dead and you're still doing damage. 

#### BRYN

You've literally bisected him. 

##### [LYDIA LAUGHS]

#### BEN

Yeah, so when you said "I bisect that guy" in the alley and we said "no" cos there's extra health for them to be dead, dead, dead?

#### ALEX

Genuinely --

#### JAMES

Now I bisect him in half.

#### BEN

You've gone *right through* the dead-dead-dead health.

#### ALEX

Genuinely, like, you've powered through that. No one who was in this scenario could have possibly survived that. Yeah. Honestly, go nuts. There's no worse you could do to a person. 

#### LYDIA

_(awed)_ Ohhh.

#### JAMES

Bertie slices him *neatly* in half. *Perfect* incision, straight from forehead to... parts that cannot be mentioned in a family podcast. 

#### BRYN

"Groin." 

#### JAMES

Groin! Groinal region. His left side *flops* into the central alleyway of the church --

##### [LYDIA CACKLES]

The right *flops* over one of the pews...

##### [BEN GROANS IN DISGUST, LYDIA CONTINUES CACKLING]

...bouncing as it hits the other side and just leaking.

Bertie -- Bertie goes,

#### BERTIE

_(furious)_ Manners, young man! Manners!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

I told you, excellent nanny!

#### BRYN

_(matter-of-fact)_ Hamid vomits. 

#### ALEX

This is perfectly natural -- you see a pink mist and proceed to vomit.

So there's definitely a good place to just end the episode. I realise that there's still a bit of a turn left, but neatly finely bisecting someone is not something you...

#### JAMES

_(triumphant)_ Yeahhhh. Achievement unlocked!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

So, *wow.* Okay, we'll be jumping back into combat at the start of the next episode, but that... that escalated quickly!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Yeah, we'll just remove that and cleft that miniature in twain. So... 

#### JAMES

We won't, Aaron, we won't.

#### ALEX

_(realising)_ Oh no, Aaron, we promise we love them very much --

#### JAMES

_(overlapping)_ It's safe, it's fine. 

#### ALEX

-- we polish them. But not in a damaging polish!

So I guess that's goodbye from everyone, and we look forward to seeing you next week!

#### ALL

Byeeeee!

##### [BRYN-AS-HAMID VOMITS]

##### [LAUGHTER]

##### [Show Theme -- Outro]

#### ALEX

*Rusty Quill Gaming* is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a creative commons attribution, non-commercial share alike 4.0 international license. Today's episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall.

To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos, and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening. 

------

#### ALEX

Ben, you're fine. Bryn? 

#### BRYN

Hello, how are you, Alex? 

#### ALEX

Keep going. 

#### BRYN

It's nice to see you again. Are you doing something new with your hair?

#### ALEX

Er --

#### BRYN

You're looking well...

#### ALEX

-- I'm not.

#### BRYN

...by which I mean fat.

##### [JAMES SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

...Keep going.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

Oh *really,* you want more of this, do you? 

#### ALEX

Keep going.

------

##### [SOMEONE IS MAKING CHEWING NOISES]

#### LYDIA

Oh god, I really hope I never have to hear that on the recording. 

#### ALEX

I had to do one where he gulped! He went, _(gulps loudly)._ It was the *most* foul thing...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

...I've heard in my entire life. It was halfway between a tsunami and a courtesy flush.

##### [EVRYONE GROANS]