---
layout:          post
title:           "RQG013 - Ghost Ambush"
date:            2015-08-26 11:00:00 -0400
episode_type:      episode
tags:            [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham, Bob, Brutor]
voiced:          [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham, Bob, Brutor]
categories:			"rqg"
podcasts: ["rqg"]
title_prefix:	"RQG"
prev_categories: ["rqg"]
prev_prefixes: ["RQG"]
prev_episode:   ['012']
prev_episode_num:		['012']
prev_episode_title:		["Keeeeeesh"]
next_categories: ["rqg"]
next_prefixes: ["RQG"]
next_episode:   ['014']
next_episode_num:		['014']
next_episode_title:		["Knock Knock..."]
episode_title:   'Ghost Ambush'
episode_number:  '013'
summary:         "Join Alex, James, Bryn, Ben and Lydia as they continue to play an extended Pathfinder Tabletop Roleplaying Campaign: Erasing the Line.<br/><br/>In this episode Bertie is a statue, Sasha has a shanking spree, Hamid plays good cop and Zolf plays drowny cop."
content_flags:   ["Physical violence & injury", "Interrogation", "Threats of violence & murder", "Discussions of: physical violence & drowning, human sacrifice", "Mentions of: death, food, stabbing & blades, blood, fire, alcohol, poison", "SFX: water, loud vocalising"]
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/rustyquillgaming/rqg-13-ghost-ambush
formats: 
    # DOCX: 
    # PDF: 
    # Google Doc: 
official:        true
wiki_url:        https://rqg.fandom.com/wiki/RQG_13_-_Ghost_Ambush
---

##### [SHOW THEME -- INTRO]

#### ALEX

Hello again and welcome to episode 13 of the *Rusty Quill Gaming* podcast. I'm your host and GM Alex Newall, and with me as ever, I have: 

#### LYDIA

Lydia Nicholas. 

#### BEN

Ben Meredith. 

#### BRYN

Bryn Monroe. 

#### JAMES

James Ross. 

#### ALEX

And who are you all playing? 

#### JAMES

Sir Bertrand "Bertie" MacGuffingham. I'm a newly-minted human statue.

##### [SNICKERS] 

#### BRYN

I'm playing Hamid the halfling, er... *"spellcaster."* I've been describing him as a sorcerer because that's the out-of-character description, but I think it's clearer if I start making it obvious that that's not an in-character label.

#### ALEX

Mhm.

#### BEN

Zolf Smith, dwarven cleric and also apparently personal development coach.

##### [LAUGHTER] 

#### LYDIA

Sasha Racket, who is in her slimy underworld element right now. 

#### ALEX

Mhm. As a quick recap, obviously you guys are tracking down the people who messed around with the Simulacrum at Edison's house and killed a lot of people. 

#### LYDIA

*Yeah,* they did. 

#### ALEX

You traced it to Other London, but got ambushed when you were trying to track down the equipment where they bought it. Got taken to... 

#### LYDIA

A guy with who I have a *coincidental* same name.

#### ALEX

Mm. You got taken to basically the Racket headquarters, where you were made an offer... 

#### LYDIA

_(unconvincingly)_ Coincidence!

#### ALEX

Yup! And you were made an offer you can't refuse, that included a ring of magical origins that was given to Hamid.

#### BRYN

A mysterious magical ring. Oh my God, a halfling's wearing a magic ring, guys!

##### [EXAGGERATED GASPING ALL AROUND]

#### JAMES

I did wonder about that.

#### LYDIA

Say what?!

#### ALEX

And you guys got hold of a map to a compound where apparently, according to Barrett, the head of the Rackets... 

#### BEN

Who's very trustworthy, probably. 

#### ALEX

He's soooo trustworthy. 

#### LYDIA

We didn't really interrogate that, did we? 

#### ALEX

Sooooooooo trustyyy...

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### BEN

I think he was about that far away from killing us, so I wasn't really that keen to interrogate!

##### [LAUGHTER] 

#### ALEX

And, ooh, actually, Sasha found out some more info about Brock from his... 

#### LYDIA

I did! 

#### ALEX

...incredibly sinister seven-foot... 

#### LYDIA

"He's in Paris and he's happy enough."

#### ALEX

...friend. 

#### BRYN

In the dementer cloak.

#### ALEX

In the dementer cloak. 

#### BEN

The dementer, right? He's a dementer. 

#### ALEX

Oh, well, you know. Shh.

##### [SNICKERS]

And you guys tracked it down, went through Racket territory. Got some eel keesh on the way...

#### LYDIA

Yaaaaaaaaay! 

#### ALEX

And... 

#### JAMES

Invented the eel keesh!

#### ALEX

You did, you did. You invented eel keesh.

#### JAMES

Keesh à la... 

#### LYDIA

Eel? 

#### JAMES

No, what's his name, Grieg? Greg? 

#### LYDIA

Oh, Gragg. 

#### BEN

Gragg. 

#### JAMES

Keesh à la Gragg. Keesh *eel*-a Gragg. 

##### [EVERYONE GROANS]

#### ALEX

And nonetheless, after Sasha scouted out the area, she found that they could probably draw away some of the guards and there wouldn't be too much left. And then although his Charm Person failed, Hamid has nonetheless succeeded in drawing both guards... 

#### BRYN

With my *natural* charm. 

#### ALEX

With your natural charm, succeeded in drawing both guards to a little nook hidden away, whereupon they're looking for a statue covered in eagles. At which point... 

#### LYDIA

_(correcting)_ Falcons. 

#### JAMES

Falcons. 

#### ALEX

Falcons, I keep saying that. 

#### BEN

How dare you?! 

#### ALEX

Covered in falcons. And, where we left off, a certain player -- namely James -- had managed to pull out of *somewhere* a natural 20 on a Disguise check to look like a __statue__ for... 

#### JAMES

I thought, "We don't need it, it's not critical to combat or the player things. I'll just roll a 20 now." I thought, "Why not?"

#### LYDIA

Why would I have it in combat... 

#### JAMES

Yeah. 

#### LYDIA

...when I could roll several ones? 

#### JAMES

Just the character flavour. I wanted to do it now. So I did.

#### ALEX

So describe to me, then, what your disguise entailed and how you pose -- let's be honest, that's an important factor.

#### JAMES

That is an important factor. Well, obviously, in an ideal world, if I was posing as a statue, I'd like to be sat on a horse because -- with the horse's leg raised -- which would imply that I was victorious in battle. However...

#### ALEX

Something to aspire to. 

#### JAMES

I know. There are no horses down here. So... 

#### BRYN

That would have been more of a struggle to make up. To pretend to be a statue... 

#### JAMES

Yeah. 

#### BRYN

...in the time available... 

#### LYDIA

You have to roll for the horse! 

#### JAMES

Yeah, I'd build a horse out of filth.

##### [LAUGHTER] 

#### JAMES

Okay. So, what Bertie has done is he's buffed up his armour with his standard armour polish that he has whenever he's going somewhere a bit fancy and he needs to wear his "dress armour."

##### [LYDIA SNICKERS]

#### JAMES

He's pulled his helmet down and polished that up, super loads. Also he's got a little bit -- because the only real gap in the armour, when the helmet is down, is the eyes. So he's just put a little bit over his eyelids as well, so that it looks like it's a consistent...

#### ALEX

Ahhhhh. 

#### JAMES

So even if somebody were to stare right in -- because this is a 20.

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, like you...

#### JAMES

This is *amazing,* this is an amazing disguise. He's done that. 

#### LYDIA

Yes. 

#### JAMES

He's also rubbed a little bit of muck, just into the grain of the armour, to suggest that this statue's been here a while and is an... 

#### ALEX

Ahhhhh. 

#### JAMES

...established part of -- and it looks a tiny bit weathered as a result of that, because of the muck. And... 

#### LYDIA

I can imagine that would hurt Bertie quite a bit...

#### JAMES

Well, he's not pleased about it. But nobody can see his grimace.

##### [LAUGHTER] 

And at this point as well, he's got his sword drawn and he's standing in a guard's type pose, with sword up and shield out. 

#### BEN

How's his falcon lamp? 

#### JAMES

I've raised it, so as to draw them in. 

##### [THE OTHERS OOH]

#### ALEX

Oh, so you're a beacon? 

#### BEN

Like an anglerfish! 

#### JAMES

Like an anglerfish, yes.

#### BEN

A big falcon-esque anglerfish. 

#### JAMES

It's going to be exactly like that. I'm going to bait the two guards in, then I'm going to absorb their bodies --

##### [LAUGHTER]

-- leaving certain essential elements of them dangling on the outside. 

#### BEN

For use later?

#### JAMES

Say again. For use later, when required. 

#### ALEX

So, what is everyone else doing? 

#### BEN

Okay. So I am hidden behind a rock that is just behind the pool that Bertie is standing in.

#### ALEX

Mhm. 

#### BEN

It's just about within trident range, so if they start to inspect him by getting in the pool I can give them a bit of a prod. 

#### ALEX

Mhm. 

#### BEN

And I've braced myself, so I am looking to charge into them using my tiny, tiny move range. 

#### ALEX

And Hamid? 

#### BRYN

I have taken my own picnic portion of eel keesh out of my pocket and borrowed Sasha's as well, and I'm standing hidden in some shadows with an eel keesh portion in each hand, ready to...

#### BEN

Keesh bombs. 

#### ALEX

And Sasha? 

#### LYDIA

I am folded into a tiny crevice in a rock. If you think of the journey that the guards are taking like a sort of road, the rock and pool that Bertie's in is on one side of it, and the rock that we're on is on the other. So they should pass by -- I'm hoping, and I am quite good at disguise, that they will come past and see the beacon, turn to that and then...

#### ALEX

So, can... 

#### LYDIA

Ram! Stab them in the back. 

#### BRYN

Sasha and I are hopefully well-concealed. 

#### LYDIA

Mmm. 

#### ALEX

Can I get a Stealth check from everyone that isn't Bertie? Bearing in mind you're getting *enormous* bonuses for having time to prepare, and knowing where they're coming from, and all kinds of things.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Er, 15. 

#### ALEX

Yeah.

#### BEN

2\.

#### ALEX

Right.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

Okay. So his spell roll is 2, but he is literally behind a rock.

#### ALEX

Like I said, you're getting enormous bonuses. 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

It's just in case it was... 

#### BRYN

I have 15 as well. 

#### ALEX

Okay, sure. So the guards start approaching.

##### [OTHER LONDON SOUNDS FADE IN: RUSHING RIVER WATER]

At first they're being quite careful, until they see the light shining from the beacon. At which point they lose their cautiousness on sheer curiosity, and then see -- coming round the corner -- this *ancient monolith* of a man encased in bronze or gold or something, knee-deep in muck. But nonetheless it's like a beacon from an older time... a testament to the greatness of man, staring and guarding the Thames from those that would come...

#### JAMES

_(pleased)_ Oh, stop.

##### [LAUGHTER] 

#### ALEX

And yeah, they go up straight away. You hear them muttering to each other, "Oh, he's actually telling the truth, ooh." And then just, they go right up, like *right* up. They leave the dogs unattended and they're just sniffing around. One of them goes,

#### ALEX (GUARD 1)

Oh, go on.

#### ALEX (GUARD 2)

Alright.

#### ALEX

So one of them -- he wades in just a little bit, up to the knee -- literally *right* up to the statue and starts, you know, _(makes dinking noises of testing the metal)._ "Heh heh." Goes next to him, puts his arms around it as if -- like, if there was a photo, they'd be taking a photo.

#### LYDIA

Taking an eye-photo. 

#### BEN

At which point I will take a five foot step... 

#### ALEX

Mhm. 

#### BEN

And just ramming my trident into his spine. 

##### [ALEX LAUGHS IN PAIN]

#### LYDIA

Oooohhhh. They're having such a lovely day!

#### BEN

Well, if you're a guard and you get distracted by a fabulous falcon statue, there... 

#### ALEX

I am going to allow you to do something here -- slightly retconning, which I shouldn't do, but you would have had enough time: I'll allow all of you to have coordinated. 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

Everyone roll me initiative, just so I know the order that you're in.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

17\.

#### ALEX

17, anyone higher than 17? 

#### BRYN

No. 

#### JAMES

No. 

#### BEN

I'm back on form with 5, so. 

#### ALEX

Lower than 17? 

#### BRYN

Er, 10. 

#### JAMES

7, if you include my bonus. 

#### LYDIA

But if this is something we've coordinated to... 

#### ALEX

It's just the order that things go off on. 

#### BRYN

Yeah. So we will all get an entire round of actions... 

#### LYDIA

Mhm. 

#### BRYN

That's the surprise round. Then there will be a normal round, where you are likely to still act before them, again.

#### LYDIA

Hurray!

#### ALEX

And would get your sneak attack -- again. 

#### BRYN

Yes. 

#### LYDIA

Yay! I like stabbing. 

#### ALEX

_(chuckles)_ Once it goes off it's really nice. So I've got Sasha, Hamid, Bertie was on 10? 

#### JAMES

7\. 

#### ALEX

7\. 

#### BEN

And I was on 5. 

#### ALEX

Okay.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

From the look on your face these aren't the brightest guards? 

#### ALEX

These are not the brightest guards, and have rolled *incredibly* poorly on their initiative. 

#### BEN

Yeahhh. So we're not looking at the cream of the crop, I think... 

#### BRYN

_(as Jar-Jar Binks from Star Wars)_ Theysa gonna die!

#### BEN

Yeah, they sent those guys out on the away mission, and these are the guys that stayed behind.

#### ALEX

Okay. So Zolf gives a signal. 

#### LYDIA

Hurray. 

#### ALEX

And Sasha's quickest off the mark. What do you do? 

#### LYDIA

So he's stabbed them in the spine? 

#### BRYN

No. 

#### ALEX

No, not yet. 

#### BRYN

This is all happening simultaneously. 

#### LYDIA

Right. 

#### BEN

So you can... 

#### LYDIA

I want to hold on. 

#### BEN

...hold an action until I start. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### BRYN

You can run up to him and stab him in the back now. The whole point of the surprise round is he will not have noticed you yet... 

#### BEN

Oh yeah, he will still sneak -- being sneaked -- getting snuck-attacked. 

#### BRYN

You will get snuck -- sneak attack, if you... 

#### LYDIA

Oh, okay. 

#### BEN

Yeah. 

#### LYDIA

Cool. So I guess I have to run past the dog. 

#### ALEX

The dog is in surprise round and can't do anything either. 

#### BRYN

Yeah, they can't take an attack of opportunity.

#### LYDIA

_(cheering)_ Woo, woof woof! 

#### ALEX

I would recommend charging --

#### LYDIA

Yeah? 

#### ALEX

-- because it gives you a bonus to your attack. 

#### LYDIA

Cool. 

#### ALEX

You can cover the distance, it's a straight line... 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

...it's easy terrain -- the bit that you've picked is easy terrain. So you automatically -- because you've had to move, you only get the one attack, but nonetheless you gain sneak attack damage.

#### BRYN

And you're getting plus-2 on the attack roll.

#### ALEX

A plus 2 just to hit him. 

#### LYDIA

Right. Okay, just to hit him. 

#### ALEX

Mhm. 

#### LYDIA

Okay.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

12 plus the two, 14.

#### ALEX

It's a hit. 

#### LYDIA

Ah, thank goodness!

#### BRYN

What was your normal attack bonus? 

#### BEN

Plus what I've got here, it's a 1, I think? 

#### ALEX

Yeah, so you're up at 15. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, 1, so 15. 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### LYDIA

Right. 

#### ALEX

So you get your --

#### BRYN

And he's flat-footed. 

#### ALEX

-- and he is flat-footed, so that means he's taking penalties on top, because of the flanking and everything. *This* is how you do rogueing.

#### LYDIA

So then I... 

#### BEN

D4 and D6. 

#### LYDIA

D4 and D6. 

#### ALEX

Mhm.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Ooh, oh, for *goodness'* sake, Sasha. Er, that's 4. 

#### BEN

And you do get your Dirty Fighter bonus, so you --

#### BRYN

Yeah, negate your, cancelling the strength... 

#### BEN

Cancelling the strength. 

#### ALEX

Okay. At which point... 

#### BEN

_(stage whisper)_ Bearing in mind you get to do that another two times. 

#### LYDIA

Oh, right. 

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, before any of them can do anything. 

#### BEN

Because you've got two swords now, or two daggers, and you're there. 

#### LYDIA

Oh, yeah, yeah. 

#### ALEX

Hamid? 

#### BRYN

I step a couple of steps out of cover towards where all the action is happening. 

#### ALEX

Mhm. 

#### BRYN

And I whistle. I can't whistle in real life, but Hamid can!

##### [SOMEONE WHISTLES]

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Sure, you whistle. 

#### BRYN

I whistle... 

#### LYDIA

I'll whistle for you. 

#### BRYN

...and I just gently toss -- I've got a eel keesh... 

#### ALEX

Mhm. 

#### BRYN

Keesh-a-la-Gragg, in each hand. I just toss them... forward. 

#### ALEX

Uh-huh. You are not even going to see a reaction from the dogs yet. 

#### BEN

They're too confused.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

"Woof?"

#### ALEX

Bertie, the human statue. 

#### BEN

_(singsong)_ It's Bertie!

##### [LAUGHTER] 

#### BEN

_(singsong)_ Bertie, Bertie the human statue!

#### JAMES

_(TV announcer voice)_ What adventures will Bertie the human statue... 

#### BEN

_(immediately)_ Crush a man's head!

##### [LAUGHTER] 

#### JAMES

Oh, I was going to go for "Bertie the human statue, what adventures can he have? He's going to stand still, because he's a statue."

##### [LAUGHTER] 

#### JAMES

_(singsong)_ Bertie, Bertie, Bertie the human statue. 

#### ALEX

Best episode ever. 

#### JAMES

Yeah. Next episode. _(beat)_ _(sings)_ Bertie, Bertie...

##### [LAUGHTER]

Right. Sorry, it's just, it's a whole series just about copper oxidisation.

##### [MORE LAUGHTER] 

It's really... 

#### ALEX

Educative! 

#### JAMES

...hard-hitting stuff. 

#### BEN

It's the kind of thing they show in physics class or like... 

#### LYDIA

_(in an attempt to get back on track)_ Attack the men! 

#### BRYN

Take your attack. 

#### JAMES

Okay. So yeah. So I am going to unleash a mighty bellow --

##### [LAUGHTER]

-- and attack. 

#### LYDIA

Roar-play that. 

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### BERTIE

Rooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

##### [PLAYERS LAUGH]

MacGuffingham's aliiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee!

#### JAMES

And I'm going to attack. I think that is probably going to be... 

#### BRYN

You'll get a flanking bonus on that one. 

#### JAMES

Oh, I'll have the one on the flanking bonus then, yeah. 

#### ALEX

So, which one -- just point for me?

#### JAMES

That one, I believe? Yeah. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Aw, he's going to be finished by the time I get to use my...

#### BEN

You'll get the guy who's still... 

#### JAMES

So 3, plus my attack bonus which is 4, which is 7. 

#### BRYN

Plus your flanking bonus takes it up to 9, but it's still probably not good enough against his flat-footedness. 

#### JAMES

_(disappointed)_ Yeah.

#### ALEX

Yeah, so Bertie gives a huge "ROARRRRRRRR!" and does a huge swing and then proceeds to go, "Oop -- no, polish in the eye, polish in the eye!" And then just happens to swing and miss him.

And after that, Zolf? 

#### BEN

Whoop! 

#### ALEX

Yep.

#### BEN

That whoop was my five foot step, guys. Stab! Get spined!

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Do I miss? That might be a miss. Yeah, that's... 8. 

#### ALEX

8\. It is a miss. 

#### LYDIA

You guys! 

#### ALEX

Sasha's carrying you guys. 

#### BEN

We get another go? 

#### ALEX

At which point:

#### ALEX (GUARD)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

#### ALEX

The guards -- the one that's next to Bertie, from the bellow, literally falls over prone. Just -- in the water, just --

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Ahhhhh!

#### ALEX

_(mimicking falling noise)_ *Psssshhhhh.*

##### [SFX: WATER SPLASHING]

##### [PLAYERS LAUGH]

#### ALEX

The one who got stabbed in the back is terrified and just screams,

#### ALEX (OTHER GUARD)

Ghosts! GHOOOOOOOOOSTS!

#### ALEX

One of the dogs hears the whistle and faces the complete wrong direction, having got a 1 in its initiative. And the other dog turns and... this is not in its turn but I'll do it anyway...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Makes a terrifying Will save for quiche!

#### ALEX

*Fails* its Will save --

#### BEN

Nice.

#### ALEX

-- and just goes, _(trembling)_ "Keeeeeeeesh..." Doesn't go for it yet until its turn, it's just noticed it and is entranced. 

#### BEN

Transfixed by quiche. 

#### ALEX

Sasha, you're up again. 

#### LYDIA

I'm going to stab this dude twice!

#### BRYN

Yeah you are!

#### ALEX

Take both attacks with all of the bonuses in the world. 

#### LYDIA

I need to roll to hit, right? 

#### BEN

2 times to hit.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

A 14 and that's a 5, which...

#### ALEX

That would be a 6.

#### LYDIA

Yeah. So 15 and a 6. 

#### ALEX

One of them hits, so you get your...

#### LYDIA

Right, cool.

#### BRYN

You're getting flanking as well. Like, you're getting lots of bonuses, but the 5 probably still isn't good enough. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, it's close but isn't quite enough. 

#### LYDIA

Right. _(power-up noises as she shakes dice)_ Rrrrrrr...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Ooh, 8! 

#### ALEX

He's down! He's down. 

#### LYDIA

Yay! I killed a dude. Well, not killed, I knocked him down. 

#### ALEX

He's near death. Tell you what: describe the blow for me. 

#### LYDIA

Fortunately no one, I think, is looking her straight in the face because it is quite an ugly grin.

##### [SNICKERS]

Stabbing delight, as... she's run across and shanked this guy very quickly beneath some ribs -- which did some damage but it didn't go the whole the way down. When she saw him jump up without really paying attention to her, it's immediately _(stabbing noise)_ *fwoop, fwop,* under his thick leather jacket. 

#### ALEX

Precision, that's what it is.

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

#### ALEX

Hamid, you're up. One of them is already down. 

#### LYDIA

_(whispering)_ Blood everywhere. 

#### BRYN

I am going to hold my action. 

#### ALEX

Good call. Bertie, you're up. 

#### JAMES

I'm going to hack at the prone man.

##### [PAINED LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Not even offering him surrender.

#### JAMES

Nah.

#### ALEX

Just hacking. Go for it. Give me the roll. 

#### SASHA

Wait! Maybe we can ask them about what's going on inside!

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

I hack at the prone man.

##### [RESIGNED LAUGHTER]

7 plus... 

#### ALEX

It's a hit. I don't --

#### BRYN

With all the bonuses.

##### [OVERLAPPING AGREEMENT]

#### ALEX

It's a hit. It's so stacked against them. 

#### JAMES

So damage roll is D10 plus 3.

#### BEN

So this is what happens when *we* get the drop on people. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

6 plus 3 is 9. 

#### ALEX

9\. He's still alive and not unconscious...

#### JAMES

Just screamin'.

#### ALEX

But he has just been attacked by a living statue of creepy origins that doesn't seem to be human. Just going, _(panicking bubbling noises),_ and just took a sword to him.

#### JAMES

I've taken a good slice off his leg. 

#### ALEX

Zolf, you're up. 

#### BEN

Right. Put my trident -- just drop my trident to the side. Grab the guy in the water that's just been attacked by Bertie. Pull him out, shouting:

#### ZOLF

Stay down and you won't be hurt!

#### ALEX (GUARD)

_(panicked deference)_ Okay, sorry, uh, uh, sir, sorry!

#### BEN

And if I can get him out I'll just basically lean in with my shield, just keep him down. 

#### ALEX

Sure. Meanwhile, the first dog that couldn't figure out where it was proceeds to trot off looking for a quiche that it couldn't discern, because it's an *idiot* and rolled a natural 1. 

#### BEN

Silly dog! The quiche is different... 

#### ALEX

The other one, which got its initiative roll -- which wasn't particularly good anyway -- and then did a cripplingly awful Will save against eel quiche, proceeds to go over and just nom on some quiche.

#### LYDIA

I look back and, like...

#### SASHA

_(mournfully)_ I wanted that quiche. 

#### ALEX

At which point I'm going to call an end to combat because... 

#### BRYN

I'm going to ask Bertie to come over and help me with the dogs, because he has Handle Animal!

#### JAMES

I do have Handle Animal, yeah. 

#### ALEX

Oh, yeah, you can totally use it now. So... 

#### BRYN

This is the time, Bertie! 

#### ALEX

So one of them is down and appears to be bleeding out, should you decide to stop it. The other one is just pinned down going,

#### ALEX (GUARD)

_(whimpers)_ Sorry! Ahhhh! Sorry!

#### ALEX

He's not doing anything. One of the dogs is wandering off and another one is chowing down. 

#### ZOLF

Alright, Sasha, if you get over here, keep this guy subdued, I'll get the other one. 

#### LYDIA

I walk around?

#### ALEX

Sure.

#### BRYN

Make him drop his weapons. 

#### BEN

Sure, yes. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. I lean on the shield and I hold the knife to his throat. 

#### BEN

Nice, and I'll kick the sword out of his hand... 

#### ALEX

He's... he's already thrown his sword away, going,

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry --

#### LYDIA

Actually I've got... what have I got, do I have rope? Yeah. I want to tie him up.

#### BEN

Yeah, that's doable.

#### LYDIA

We'll pass there and you've got rope, so you can hand me some. 

#### BEN

Yeah, I'll hand you some. 

#### LYDIA

I start tying up his hands... 

#### ALEX

We'll say that you take 10 because the guy is not going to be struggling. 

#### BEN

I will go to this guy and...

#### LYDIA

And I gag him. 

#### BEN

...just stabilise him. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, he's stabilised but unconscious, very, *very* -- as in, having done the maths, INCREDIBLY close to death but stable now. 

#### BEN

Drag him around to his friend. Or associate, I suppose. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, and the one dog that was wandering off has started turning around and coming back. 

#### BRYN

I will attract his attention with the eel pie. 

#### LYDIA

Ooh, _(baby-talking)_ who's a good doggie? Who's a good doggie?! 

#### ALEX

Sure. Bertie, what are you doing? 

#### JAMES

I'm going to talk to the one that's already chowing down on the quiche.

#### BERTIE

Hello! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? You're a good boy! Hello. Ooh, _(incomprehensible burbling of affection)_ muh-muh-muh-muh.

#### ALEX

Okay, give me a Handle Animal check. 

#### JAMES

Can I take twice as long to --

#### ALEX

Yes, you can --

#### JAMES

-- Pomp -- 

#### ALEX

You can Pomp and Pageantry a __dog.__

##### [LAUGHTER]

I will allow this, as broken as it is, because what you're doing... I'll rule that what you're doing is you're making yourself look the most alpha of all the people it could ever encounter.

#### JAMES

That's what I'm going. So I'm at plus 5 for this.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

14\. 19. 

#### BRYN

Plus 1 for pomp and pageantry! 

#### JAMES

Oh yeah, plus 1. 20. 

#### ALEX

What are you trying to make it do? 

#### JAMES

So I am trying to tame the dog, make it be our lovely friend. Because its previous master clearly was rubbish, so I want to make it...

#### LYDIA

Cor, so we keep the dog. 

#### BEN

Are you going to turn into Bertie Doolittle?

#### JAMES

A little bit. 

#### BRYN

We might have to tie them up over here while we... 

#### JAMES

Yeah, keeping the dog distracted and playing with it and trying to transfer its loyalty away from a slightly rubbish master through simple acts of kindness. 

#### LYDIA

Aw... Like stabbing its master. 

#### JAMES

Like stabbing its master. Yeah. 

#### ALEX

So having looked it up briefly, the Handle Animal thing is a bit obtuse when it comes to getting hostile guard dogs or whatever on your side. That said, I will totally allow it with the 20. This *massive* bull mastiff proceeds to go *floop* onto its back and just be --

#### ALEX (DOG)

_(dog noises)_ Ruhhhhh-ruh-ruh.

#### BERTIE

Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? _(dog noises back)_ Ruh-ruh-ruh, you are!

#### ALEX (DOG)

Ruh-ruh-ruh.

#### BERTIE

You are! Ruhhhh-ruh-ruh-ruh. You are! 

#### ALEX

The other one starts coming back, and it may go either way. You can't tell if it's going to be hostile or not yet. 

#### JAMES

Can I attempt a similar thing on that, just to sort of calm it down?

#### ALEX

Sure, yeah.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

12\. I don't think I'll bother with the...because he's advancing quickly so I wouldn't have the time to... 

#### ALEX

You wouldn't have the Pomp and Pageantry. 

#### JAMES

12 plus 5 is 17. 

#### ALEX

17\. The other one comes over too. It's not nearly as enamoured with you, but nonetheless it proceeds to sit down with its friend and just start munching on an eel quiche. But the first one is a little bit besotted. 

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### ALEX

A little bit besotted. 

#### BERTIE

You are! You are! _(dog talking noise)_ Muh-muh-muh-muh.

#### ALEX (DOG)

Muhhh-muh-muh-muh.

#### BERTIE

Muh-muh-muhhh-muh. Say sausages. 

#### ALEX (DOG)

Muhhh-muhhh-muh-muh.

#### BERTIE

Muh-muh-muh-muh. __Sausages.__

#### BEN

This is some *riveting* --

#### LYDIA

For the listeners at home, we cut 10 minutes of this! 

#### BEN

We actually went home and came back, and they were still doing this.

#### LYDIA

They're still -- guys, are you okay?

#### JAMES

There's a week-long break between episodes, just doing this. 

#### BEN

So, yeah, dump his friend down and leaving you very handily with knife to throw --

#### LYDIA

_(victorious hiss)_ Yeahhhh!

#### BEN

Just step on his hand that's protruding through the weaponry and just press down and say,

#### ZOLF

_(cheerfully)_ So!

#### BEN

Using my dwarven heaviness.

#### ZOLF

Who do you work for? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

_(slightly strangled)_ Er -- Serpentines. 

#### ZOLF

Serpentines. 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Yeah! Yeah.

#### ZOLF

Yeah, have they been getting up to anything recently? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Yeah!

#### ZOLF

Yeah? What have they been getting up to? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Loads of stuff. 

#### ZOLF

Loads of stuff? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Yeah.

#### ZOLF

Any particular stuff? Maybe in Upper London?

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh yeah. Loads of stuff.

#### ZOLF

Okay.

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Anything that you want. 

#### ZOLF

Anything that I want? That's actually not what I want.

##### [LAUGHTER FROM PLAYERS]

#### ZOLF

I want you to give me specifics. Now, what's the most recent thing they did? Say, yesterday. No, the day before yesterday.

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh, loads of stuff. Um, oh, ooh, my memory is going? _(nervous laughter)_ Ha...

#### BEN

Just press down on his hand. 

#### ALEX

I'm going to get you to do an Intimidate check. If anyone wants to aid, do so now, you're not each going to get your own Intimidate check. 

#### BEN

Yeah, go for it.

#### LYDIA

I will. I have a knife at his throat. The two people with Charisma bleh... 

#### BEN

I think we're getting bonuses, but, uh. 

#### JAMES

I feel like I should lend a hand, but I'm busy with the dogs, so. 

#### ALEX

You're busy making a friend for life. 

#### JAMES

I know.

#### BEN

Hamid, how about yourself? Are you watching this beautiful --

#### BRYN

I'm going to come over and be the good cop to your bad cop. 

#### ALEX

So give me the Intimidate. So... 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

9 minus 1. 

#### ALEX

Okay, so that won't be enough to aid...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

And that is 15, all told. 

#### ALEX

15\. Let's give him a counterroll.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

He is not intimidated. That doesn't mean your interrogation has to stop by the way. It just means that he just won't blab and be incredibly conducive. 

#### LYDIA

I like that Sasha fails to be intimidating while she's got a *knife* at the guy's throat, the person she *stabbed multiple times*... 

#### ALEX

His attention is elsewhere. 

#### ZOLF

So, alright, your memory's quite bad, is it? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Erm, yeah. 

#### ZOLF

So what could jog that? What could jog that? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh, you know... freedom? 

#### ZOLF

Freedom, yeah. Money?

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Ooh, yeah, money. Oh, uh... 

#### ZOLF

Not being stabbed to death with a trident!

#### HAMID

_(interrupting)_ Hello, hello, hi! 

#### SASHA

Or a dagger. Or a dagger. 

#### HAMID

_(reassuring)_ It's okay, they're not going to hurt you, okay? We just need information.

#### ZOLF

I mean, I'd quite like to hurt him. 

#### SASHA

I might hurt him. 

#### HAMID

Just -- give him a second. Let him calm down. _(to guard)_ I know this is stressful for you. 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

_(teary)_ Yeah, no, yeah, yeah. 

#### SASHA

It could be more stressful. 

#### HAMID

So just breathe. Breathe.

#### ALEX (GUARD)

I would, but there's a shield. 

#### ZOLF

She's not that heavy! 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Okay...

#### HAMID

Just lean back a little. He's tied up now. It's fine. 

#### LYDIA

I lean back a little, but my dagger is still on his throat. 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Ooh, *ow,* okay. 

#### HAMID

Just back a touch. Back a touch. Come on, Sasha. 

#### SASHA

I don't know. I don't like beards like this, the stubble... 

#### ALEX

She starts shaving him?!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

Aggressively shaving! 

#### LYDIA

No, I just like taunting him with the dagger. 

#### HAMID

He needs to be able to talk. We just need to let him talk.

#### SASHA

Okay, a millimetre.

#### HAMID

Give me 20 centimetres, come on. 

#### SASHA

Twenty...?! *A* centimetre. 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Okay, yeah, thanks. 

#### HAMID

Okay, just breathe. We're not here to hurt you.

#### LYDIA

I am. 

#### HAMID

We need to know... 

#### ALEX

Okay, can I get you -- before you do your wording -- to give me the Diplomacy roll? Remember, I'd always rather you roll, then roleplay. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

6, which is a total of I think 13. 

#### ALEX

Okay.

#### BRYN

Oh, no, 14. 

#### BEN

Not bad. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

And he has rolled poorly. Roleplay it and get what you think is right, and then I'll give you the count.

#### LYDIA

_(realising)_ He just really wanted a friend! 

#### HAMID

We're not here to hurt you, we just need information. Okay? If you don't know what your group have been up to, just tell us about who's in the compound. How many people? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh, uh, well, there's... there used to be four inside but now there's three since Guy, erm, yeah... well, I mean. There's fo-- there's three.

#### SASHA

Three people, or three guards?

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh, there's three people inside. 

#### HAMID

Three people. And what do you know about those people? So what are their names?

#### ALEX (GUARD)

There's Guy, there's Carl, and then... and then, and then there's his brother Carlton. 

#### HAMID

So Guy, Carl, and Carlton. 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Er, cos, cos Jeremy left, yeah. 

#### HAMID

Jeremy.

#### ALEX

Er-- Yeah. 

#### HAMID

Okay, when did Jeremy leave? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh, well, he... he, he, he left when they, you know, when they got back yesterday. 

#### HAMID

Okay. Do you know where they went when they left yesterday? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Jeremy? 

#### HAMID

No, before. You say Jeremy left "when they got back." 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh, yeah, they went for the Sim--...

No. No I don't. 

#### HAMID

Yes, you do. Come on. 

#### ZOLF

To be quite honest, we did hear the first three letters of that. 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

The Sim... 

#### ZOLF

Yeah?

#### ALEX (GUARD)

...polmar? 

#### ZOLF

No.

#### SASHA

_(leading)_ Simuuuu... 

#### ZOLF

Laaaaa... fill us in here?

#### ALEX (GUARD)

_(resigned)_ ...crum.

#### ZOLF

There we go. Okay. 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they went for the Simulacrum. And then they came back with the stuff. 

#### HAMID

And then Jeremy left? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Yeah. 

#### HAMID

So did he take anything with him when he left? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh, I don't know. Guy's gone *mad,* though. Guy's proper angry. 

#### HAMID

So Guy and Carl... 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh, Guy's going to kill me! 

#### HAMID

...and Carlton. 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Like, actually kill me. I don't mean he's going to be annoyed, I mean he's actually going to kill me. 

#### ZOLF

Mm, mm.

#### SASHA

Welllllll, why don't I kill you first?

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Yeah. No, yeah, good point, yeah.

#### HAMID

_(ignoring this)_ So where will they be? Where will the three of them be? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

They're inside. They'll be... they'll be... 

#### HAMID

In the main building? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Yeah.

#### HAMID

Will they all be in the same room? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Yeah.

#### SASHA

How well do they fight? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

You know, they're pretty good. They're like... I wanted to join, and now I don't. I want to go home.

#### HAMID

We'll take you home. Once it's all done here, we will take you home. You don't need to worry. 

#### ALEX

Is that a bluff? I'm curious. If it's not... if *you* believe it, then... 

#### BRYN

*Hamid* believes it. 

#### ALEX

Then it's not a bluff. 

#### ZOLF

How long have you been a member of the Serpentines? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh, like, a couple of weeks now. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah?

#### ALEX (GUARD)

#### ZOLF

Did you know about their plan to get the Simulacrum beforehand? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Oh well, I mean, like -- Guy gave a speech. It was dead good. Dead good speech. 

#### ZOLF

Do you know how many people they killed to get the Simulacrum? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Ye...no. No. 

#### ZOLF

_(unconvinced)_ Mm.

#### SASHA

What was his speech about? What does he think it can do? What does he plan to do with it? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

He doesn't plan to do anything. 

#### SASHA

Right.

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Well now because that's the point, innit? You know, it's like... you get rid of the devices that are taking the places of people, you know, up top, and that -- and that way, like, you know... 

#### HAMID

_(over guard's head)_ Probably a zealot or a fanatic? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

...like, the power comes back to us, you know? You're an Under Londoner, I can tell! 

#### SASHA

_(sasrcastic)_ Yeah, like there was so much power here *before* they managed to make those machines. 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

That's the point, right, because it was like, the machines that did the flood, weren't it. So like, if you get rid of the machines then everything goes... 

#### HAMID

What's your name, friend? 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

I'm... I'm... hang on. I'm not an idiot.

##### [A VERY LONG PAUSE]

Bob. 

#### HAMID

Okay, "Bob." 

#### ALEX ("BOB")

Right, yeah, Bob.

#### ALEX

He gives a sort of grin where he may actually genuinely believe he got away with that. He is not a sharp one. 

#### HAMID

So, Guy's the leader, is he? 

#### ALEX ("BOB")

Yeah.

#### HAMID

Okay, and what type of weapon does he use? 

#### ALEX ("BOB")

All of them. He's got those throwing things, and, like... 

#### HAMID

So, they throw fire flasks. He throws fire flasks.

#### ALEX ("BOB")

Yeahhhh! Yeah. He's got loads of them. Loads of them, and he's got magical stuff, but I don't know what, though. 

#### SASHA

Do you know what kind of deal that these Serpentines have done to, because... there's only, what, three of you? There's no way that he did this attack. Why did Barrett bring us here?

#### HAMID

Thank you very much, "Bob." We're going to have to go and deal with the others.

#### ALEX ("BOB")

Alright, yeah.

#### HAMID

We're going to leave you here, tied up --

#### ALEX ("BOB")

_(immediate)_ Take the statue with you!

#### HAMID

He's coming with us.

#### ALEX ("BOB")

Alright.

#### HAMID

But once it's all done, we're going to come back for you, and we're going to make sure that you're safe. 

#### ALEX ("BOB")

_(strong emphasis)_ I promise I will be here waiting. 

#### ZOLF

You'll be tied up, so you *will* be here waiting. 

#### ALEX ("BOB")

Oh, come on now. I can wait while I'm untied. 

#### BRYN

I'm just going to turn around and whisper to you --

#### HAMID

Knock him out. 

#### SASHA

Wait -- wait, is there anything else about the compound? You've told us... so Guy, he's a good fighter.

#### ALEX ("BOB")

Mm.

#### SASHA

And the others, nothing, they're just...

#### ALEX ("BOB")

So you're just going to leave me here tied up, like, on my own. 

#### ZOLF

We'll be back. 

#### SASHA

_(unconvincingly)_ Yeah.

#### ALEX ("BOB")

But what if you're not -- back?

#### SASHA

Would you like me to do anything else to you before--? 

#### ALEX ("BOB")

Traps! They've got traps. Yeah, you want to watch out for the traps. They use a lot of tripwires and also, like, they tend to set up alarms and things like that. And Guy uses magic, and also make sure that you come back. 

#### SASHA

How do we... how do we get past these traps? Is there an easy way in? 

#### ALEX ("BOB")

I... _("I don't know")_ They brought me in because I had my own dog. 

#### SASHA

_("I see")_ Right. _(beat)_ Great, okay. 

#### HAMID

Do you have a key to the gate? 

#### ALEX ("BOB")

Er... he does.

#### ALEX

He kind of gestures to the other, unconscious one, who's just _(unconscious noise)_ "unh."

#### LYDIA

I search his body for the key. 

#### ALEX

Okay, yeah. I'll tell you what, we'll take a break and we'll cover what you've got in a couple of minutes. 

#### LYDIA

Hurray! _(singsong)_ Searching the bodies, woot-woot!

------

##### [BREAK]

------

#### ALEX

And welcome back. Okay, so given that he obviously seems fairly inexperienced and a bit naff, he's pretty well-provisioned, actually. 

#### LYDIA

Yay, stuff! I do not necessarily tell the others what I find. 

#### ALEX

Go for it. Give me a Search check on him and that'll help me determine just how much you find.

#### BRYN

Perception...

#### ALEX

If anyone wants to aid, please do so now. 

#### BEN

I'm busy...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

Too late, the roll's down now. 

#### LYDIA

16\.

#### ALEX

Eh, 16's actually a decent roll. You find upon him a potion of Cure Light Wounds, a smokestick, a tanglefoot bag. It's clear to you he's wearing a masterwork studded leather armour.

#### LYDIA

Ooooh.

#### BRYN

Nab it. 

#### ALEX

It is mundane, however... 

#### BRYN

It's actually going to be difficult to take that off. 

#### ALEX

And would not resize magically to you. So, you could... I'd allow you to get away with it, but it would be quite cumbersome. 

#### LYDIA

I hold it up.

#### SASHA

Zolf, does this fit you? 

#### ZOLF

Er... *no.* 

#### LYDIA

Well, I dunno! 

#### BEN

He's 5 foot 6. 

#### ALEX

It would be trailing on the ground. 

#### LYDIA

I thought it was a belt! 

#### ALEX

No, no, no, this is full studded leather cuirass. 

#### LYDIA

Oh, right, I'm really sorry. To be fair, that is the kind of awkward thing that Sasha would do. "Anyone want this?" 

#### BEN

"What do you think?"

#### LYDIA

"Oh sorry." 

#### ALEX

"It's a lovely dress, I mean, would you like the..."

Okay, he's got five daggers.

#### LYDIA

_(cheers)_ Yeahhhh!

#### ALEX

Especially given that you left one in the marketplace. 

#### LYDIA

Yes, I did. 

#### ALEX

He has a shortsword. 

#### LYDIA

I don't have any use for it, but I put it to the side so other people can see it. 

#### ALEX

A set of masterwork thieves' tools. 

#### LYDIA

Cool. 2 times masterwork. 

#### ALEX

Three coppers. 

#### LYDIA

Boom! 

#### BEN

Brilliant. Cha-ching! 

#### LYDIA

I have no money, so to me that's like... 

#### ALEX

That's like three days' rent!

##### [LYDIA CHEERS]

#### ALEX

And that's it. That's everything he's got.

#### LYDIA

Pooh.

#### ALEX

So presumably you want to know about the smokestick and tanglefoot bag? 

#### LYDIA

Yes please. 

#### BRYN

Yes. 

#### LYDIA

I don't know anything!

#### ALEX

Sure. So just explaining it quickly, the smoke stick is another alchemical weapon -- they seem to be big on those. Basically it's a wooden stick that instantly, when used, creates a thick opaque smoke when burned. The smoke fills a 10-foot cube, like a fog cloud, except that it's moderate or stronger wind dissipates it. So it's consumed after one round, or the smoke dissipates naturally after one minute.

So -- as in, once you throw the stick it gives you a smoke screen. The stick itself is gone in one round and the smoke that it creates, which fills a 10-foot cube, will dissipate in about a minute unless there's... 

#### LYDIA

How many rounds is that? 

#### ALEX

So, one minute is like, 10 rounds. 

#### LYDIA

Right, good stuff. 

#### ALEX

So out of combat, it's okay. In combat, it's pretty darn useful.

#### LYDIA

Cool.

#### ALEX

And Bryn, you've got the details of the tanglefoot?

#### BRYN

Yeah, a tanglefoot bag is really cool. It's like this grenade filled with goo and it sticks people... When you throw the bag, it comes apart and goo bursts out, entangling the target and becoming tough and resilient upon exposure to air. 

#### LYDIA

Is it one-use? 

#### BRYN

Yeah.

#### LYDIA

_(disappointed)_ Ah.

#### ALEX

All of these are one-use. 

#### BRYN

It creates... it's like that high-pressure foam they use which hardens really quickly, and they use it as a restraint thing.

#### LYDIA

I think both of those are things that I would keep, and I would not necessarily tell people. 

#### BEN

That's fine, you can choose to do that or not. 

#### LYDIA

Er, although with the health thing, since... 

#### ALEX

Actually, just to cut across, I will spell out: when it's entangled it takes a minus 2 on all attack rolls, minus 4 to Dexterity, and must make a Reflex save or be glued to the floor. And even if it succeeds its save, it *still* moves at half speed unless it makes a save, it can't fly and stuff like that. It can break free with a Strength check or it'd have to slash --

#### LYDIA

Does it count as flanking them, if they're tangled? Can I come and --

#### BRYN

No. 

#### LYDIA

If they're stuck facing one direction and I come from behind... 

#### ALEX

The thing that you're thinking -- so to get the sneak attack they'd need to lose all of their Dex bonus. What this specifically says is they don't lose their Dex bonus --

#### BRYN

It reduces their reflective Dex.

#### ALEX

-- it just gives them a really hard penalty, because they deliberately don't want rogues to just go "goo, stab, goo, stab, goo, stab."

#### LYDIA

Awwwww.

#### BRYN

Because it doesn't -- although it restricts their movement, it doesn't make them unaware or you. It's them being unaware that makes you really good. 

#### LYDIA

Right, cool. 

#### ALEX

So that's all of the stuff that he had upon him, and you know why you're going to love me? The other guy had the same.

##### [LYDIA & BEN CHEER]

And I'm going to assume that you did the search for both. They both had the same equipment. 

#### LYDIA

But that means as well that I have *four* Cure Light Wounds. I am going to give one of them to Hamid. 

#### BRYN

Thank you.

#### LYDIA

Because he gave me one.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS, PRESUMABLY AT THE LOOK ON BEN'S FACE:]

#### BEN

Actually, *I* did.

#### LYDIA

Did you? 

#### BRYN

We both gave you one at different points... 

#### BEN

Ohhhhh, okay! Oh yes.

#### BRYN

That's why you had two.

#### LYDIA

I... only give one to Hamid.

##### [BEN CACKLES]

#### ALEX

Okay, so you're all stocked up with equipment. 

#### LYDIA

Wait, that means I've got 3 times masterwork thieves' tools and I've still got the other ones. I've got a lot of thieves' tools. I hold one out to Hamid --

#### SASHA

Would you like some thieves' tools? 

#### HAMID

Erm... no?

##### [ALEX SNICKERS]

#### ZOLF

_(indistinct?)_

#### HAMID

Keep them or we can just sell them back. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah.

#### LYDIA

Oh, and that was another five daggers, right... oh, four daggers? Five? 

#### ALEX

Yup, you're drowning in daggers. 

#### LYDIA

I put out an array of daggers.

#### SASHA

Look how many daggers this one had!

#### LYDIA

I take one, so I now have 10, but --

#### SASHA

Anyone want some daggers? 

#### ZOLF

Nope, fair do. 

#### HAMID

No thanks. 

#### LYDIA

I gather up the daggers. I might be encumbered by daggers now. 

#### ALEX

You'll have to do the maths but I'll allow you to sort of recon some distribution of...

#### LYDIA

I've got 14 daggers now. _(laughing)_ Oh god!

#### BRYN

Where are they all? 

#### BEN

They're not that heavy. I think you'll probably be alright. 

#### JAMES

It's like a set of steak knives when you sign up to a life insurance policy. 

#### ALEX

I'll tell you what, we'll throw into the bargain that each of them was wearing a belt with sheathes for five daggers.

#### LYDIA

Cool!

#### ALEX

And a sword, so you can... 

#### BEN

You're looking like a Final Fantasy character now. 

#### ALEX

So you can do a dual bandolier across the chest if you want. 

#### LYDIA

Oh my god, yes! 

#### ALEX

Or you could do this kind of stylish, where you wear one belt tightly and then one loose at an angle. 

#### LYDIA

Oh yeah, that is exactly... 

#### ALEX

Like Han Solo, I think? 

#### BEN

That is the Japanese game design look.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### LYDIA

But they must be done in such a way that it doesn't rattle as I move. 

#### ALEX

Oh, of course, I mean there's a level of professionalism here.

#### BEN

So once the hoard has been collected...

#### LYDIA

That's always assuming that I have enough belts to do all that. 

#### BEN

...I will slam the guy in the head with the butt of my trident. 

#### ALEX

Bonk. 

#### ZOLF

Right, so what do we do with these two? 

#### SASHA

Should we go and...

#### HAMID

Are they both tied up? 

#### ZOLF

_(cheerfully)_ I don't know about you, but I'm planning to drown them. 

#### HAMID

*What?!* You can't do that!

#### JAMES

I'm still playing with the dogs at this point, I don't hear any of it. 

#### ZOLF

Well, I mean, I can. 

#### ALEX

You can choose to enter this conversation whenever you want. 

#### ZOLF

Like, they killed those people. 

#### HAMID

Well, not *these* people! I mean, part of their group did, but not these specific people. 

#### ZOLF

They work with the organisation. You heard. And I asked him specifically -- he knew how many people were going to die in the Simulacrum raid. Right? These people are responsible for those people that died. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. They deserve it. 

#### LYDIA

I shrug. 

#### HAMID

_(voice going more and more high-pitched)_ You can't... you can't just drown them after we've already *beaten* them, like... I mean --

#### SASHA

It's much easier than doing it before. 

#### HAMID

If you kill someone in a fight that's one thing, but I mean, they should have a trial! We've been hired by the police!

#### ZOLF

Trial? But it's fine to kill them in a fight? 

#### HAMID

Yeah! _(pause)_ Like if they're trying to kill you and you kill them first, that's one thing, but once the fight's over you have to deliver them to the authorities!

#### ZOLF

They've already done the deed. They're responsible for the deaths... 

#### HAMID

Not this person. Like, there's a difference between "accessory to murder" and "murder"! 

#### BERTIE

Hello chaps! I've... look at these lovely chaps, aren't they -- _(dog talking noises)_ muh-muh-muh-muh-muh. Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh.

#### HAMID

We should tie these guys up too. Do you want to just, like, tie them up to one of these rocks?

#### BERTIE

What -- what, these? The dogs?

#### HAMID

The dogs, yeah. 

#### BERTIE

Tie dogs... to rocks? 

#### ALEX

One of the dogs is asleep by an eaten eel pie and the other one is just pining after Bertie at his heels, currently.

#### HAMID

The safest thing to do with them... 

#### BERTIE

_(simultaneously)_ Oh, who's a pretty boy?

#### HAMID

_(remembering the situation)_ Erm, Bertie. Zolf thinks we should drown these guards! 

#### BERTIE

Oh, errrrr, well. Is that really necessary? 

#### ZOLF

_(calm)_ They deserve it. 

#### HAMID

_(not calm)_ I disagree! 

#### ZOLF

They deserve it and they will make a fitting tribute to Poseidon. 

#### HAMID

What?! 

#### BERTIE

Steady!

#### SASHA

Oh, does he give you anything in return for that? 

#### ZOLF

I think you're all benefitting from it! You seem happy enough that I can do it when I'm healing you. Where do you think that comes from? Hey? 

#### HAMID

I didn't realise it came from killing helpless people. 

#### ZOLF

Helpless, maybe. Responsible for the deaths of lots of people? Yes!

#### HAMID

That has to be determined in a court of law!

#### SASHA

If I hadn't stabbed them, they'd be stabbing you right now. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah. The only law that I adhere to is the law of my god. And my god demands an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Justice and balance in things. The amount of people that they've killed -- people that were unaware, people who were just bidding... Now they might have had lots of money, they might've been business owners and maybe not very nice peop--

#### HAMID

That's not the issue. I don't -- *care* what the people who died are like. I'm arguing about who's responsible! This person here, clearly, was not part of the group that *actually* killed someone.

#### ZOLF

Was aware of the plan. Is benefitting from the rewards reaped by the plan. Condones the plan. Works for the organisation. There was no subterfuge. I asked him, "Do you know how many people died?" And he went, "Yeah -- no." He is not taking responsibility for the things that he is responsible for. 

#### HAMID

Then he has an opportunity to *learn* and *take responsibility* and *change.* He... 

#### ZOLF

Just because he said he's sad and he wants to go home?

#### HAMID

Look! _(voice cracking)_ It's very possible to do things that you *didn't* mean to, that you *didn't* agree with, because someone else -- *bullied* you into it or did it without your knowledge!

#### ZOLF

Being sorry...

#### BERTIE

_(singsong)_ Ooh, struck a nerve! 

#### SASHA

That is true, Zolf, that is, sometimes... 

#### HAMID

Exactly! EXACTLY! 

#### SASHA

...sometimes people make you do, sometimes circumstance makes you do things --

#### ZOLF

Being __sorry__ will not bring those people back. 

##### [A LONG PAUSE]

#### HAMID

I know that. I'm not an idiot --

#### ZOLF

Fine, fine. No. We'll wait, alright? We'll do things your way. *Next* time, when we have somebody who deserves it, they're going in the drink.

#### SASHA

_(quieter)_ Sounds good. 

#### ZOLF

It's no different from you killing them with some of your magic spells. You're very happy to fire stuff around, but as soon as you have to think about it, then maybe not so much.

##### [HAMID MAKES A SOUND, BUT--]

I'm the one who saved those people in that alleyway because those thugs, maybe in retrospect might've done, but they didn't deserve to die. They came to deliver a message. These people are monsters.

#### SASHA

Well, that's what they *said.* 

#### ZOLF

That's what they said, but that's what I had to go on. 

#### HAMID

The leaders... the leaders and the murderers inside, they are monsters. We don't know these people.

#### ZOLF

Okay, fine, right. Compromise. If we can get those alive, I'll drown them in the Thames. __They__ will make a fitting tribute, and __they__ deserve it. 

#### HAMID

...Okay.

#### BRYN

Hamid looks conflicted, as you might imagine. 

#### SASHA

It's alright, they would've killed you.

##### [ALEX CACKLES]

#### LYDIA

That's my attempt to comfort!

#### ALEX

So... _(fascinated by developments)_ ooh. Ooooooh. So, what happens next? You tell me.

#### SASHA

_(still attempting to comfort)_ Have you seen how many daggers I've got?

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Can I just ask quickly, what is the current state of my relationship with the dogs? Can I just bring them with me? 

#### ALEX

One of the dogs is asleep and not particularly concerned by you. The other one is currently at heel.

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### BEN

I think one of them has "it's complicated" on Facebook and the one might be... 

#### JAMES

The other one keeps sending me invites to various games. 

#### BEN

They keep poking you.

#### JAMES

Don't want it!

#### LYDIA

They're liking some really old photos of you on a beach?

#### JAMES

Ohhhhh. That topless one of Bertie in Morocco, ugh, it's creepy! Ough.

#### LYDIA

That was three years ago. How much did they scroll through?! 

#### JAMES

*Longer.*

#### ALEX

And moving on! So you currently have a dog at heel. I'll leave it to you to decide what to do with it. 

#### JAMES

Well, I'm going to take him with me. I'm not assuming that he's going to have any skills at this point because he's an ill-disciplined guard dog from, like, some mongrel bull mastiff?

#### ALEX

It looks like someone was trying for a bull mastiff. 

#### BEN

They had a good stab at it. 

#### LYDIA

Stab? 

#### JAMES

He looks like he's a bit of a mess, really. Yeah. 

#### LYDIA

Is he drooling everywhere? 

#### ALEX

I'd say he was like half bull mastiff, half Dobermann, and half Postman's Leg.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Right, nice. I get the impression that he's drooling all the time just because that's how his face is. 

#### LYDIA

Eels are sliding out from between his teeth. 

#### ALEX

He also finds it slightly hard to breathe because his nose is a bit messed up, it's like, _(snorting noise)_ err-huh, err-huh.

#### JAMES

But from injury, not from, like, in-breeding or anything? 

#### ALEX

Yeah. 

#### JAMES

I think I take pity on this dog because he's clearly not very bright. I see a lot of myself in him.

##### [SNICKERING FROM PLAYERS]

So, this one, he's not going to have any skills or anything like that but... I want to take him with us, but I feel that he would be an encumbrance in a combat situation, so I might... 

#### LYDIA

Put a lead on him. 

#### JAMES

Yeah, can I make a lead for him? I've got adventurer's kit, which has got rope in it. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, so you've used at least one length of rope to tie up both of the guys. 

#### JAMES

I have an adventurer's kit, so... 

#### ALEX

Yeah, so you've got more than enough rope. 

#### JAMES

Yeah, so I... 

#### LYDIA

Do you need any locksmith's tools for doing that?

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

So yeah, I make him a little lead and I inspect him to see if he has... I presume he won't have a collar with his name on it, will he? The other two are unconscious...

#### ALEX

He does have a collar. And on the collar is... 

#### LYDIA

Is it a spikey one, is it a spikey one?

#### ALEX

...on the collar is written "Brutor" in chalk. It's just been chalked on to some...

#### LYDIA

How big is this chalk board?! 

#### ALEX

Well, someone's had this chalk and just carefully written the word "Brutor" on its collar. 

#### BEN

That sounds like a seventh generation Pokémon!

#### ALEX

There's no... someone looks like they've put rubbishy studs on it. Not actually studded it -- they've got some chunks of metal and just tied them off against it to give him the *semblance* of a big, scary collar. 

#### JAMES

Right. I'm going to take its collar off.

#### BERTIE

It's very "last season." 

#### ALEX

He licks your face, or at least tries to, as he does it. 

#### BERTIE

Oh! Buba, buba!

#### JAMES

I've got my helmet up at this point, if my helmet's down. He tries to lick my face, I pull my helmet up. 

#### ALEX

He does lick your face and then proceeds to go a bit weird because of all the polish on your eyes.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

It's an acquired taste. I think at that point I've got some of my lovely brandy and I'm going to pour it into my hand and just feed him the brandy. 

#### LYDIA & ALEX

Aww.

#### BEN

Bonding with a dog. 

#### JAMES

Bonding with a dog, getting him hammered. 

#### ZOLF

So we're taking it in, yeah? 

#### SASHA

Yeah.

#### ZOLF

We ready? We got the information... 

#### LYDIA

I'm guessing that we did find the key? I searched the bodies. 

#### ALEX

Sorry, yeah, yeah. 

#### LYDIA

Right. 1 times key. 

#### BEN

What tool... actually, did you make it obvious that you had the tanglefoot bag stuff in the end, or did you not? 

#### LYDIA

No.

#### ZOLF

Right, so what tools have we got now? So we've... 

#### HAMID

We know there might be traps. 

#### ZOLF

We're now stocked up on health potions, so we're pretty good for that. There's going to be traps, which I think is your department, definitely. 

#### SASHA

I've got that. 

#### ZOLF

We know that --

#### HAMID

We know that there's only three people inside, but one of them might be quite dangerous. 

#### ZOLF

And it's a magician, they say.

#### HAMID

Maybe.

#### ZOLF

He's magic. They have more oil flasks. We can lob an oil flask through the window, we might just... burn them up!

#### HAMID

Do we have like, anything that can disorientate them, or... 

#### ZOLF

Do we have another thunderstone? 

#### SASHA

I've got one. I've got a thunderstone. 

#### ZOLF

Excellent.

#### HAMID

If we could throw one through the window, that could be effective. 

#### BERTIE

Just a thought, chaps -- if the building's on stilts, who's to say that it has to *stay* on stilts?

#### ZOLF

True. 

#### ALEX

Just to jump in, the building that Sasha saw with the lights on was one of the actual, still-standing stone buildings where they're just on the first floor. There was a shed which was on stilts, which appeared to have been made later out of some manky-looking wood, but the actual building that she saw the lights on was the proper... 

#### JAMES

Proper brick-stone building, okay. 

#### BEN

I like the idea that we're just going through and Bertie's like, "yup," knocks down the shed and is like, "Yeees! I like it!"

#### SASHA

Well, I could try and climb up and throw the thunderstone through.

#### ZOLF

The only thing is we won't be able to get there in time because we'll also have to get through all the traps. I think a stealthy approach: when we find the room they're in, throw it through the door. 

#### SASHA

Gotcha. 

#### HAMID

Okay, that sounds like a good plan. 

#### ZOLF

And then we can rush them before they can get any silly stuff on. 

#### HAMID

Okay.

#### LYDIA

Okay, before going into a full-frontal assault or whatever it was, stealthy one. I want to top up my 2 hit points that I'm still... I think I might, I could either drink a potion or getting a spell. 

#### BRYN

Two zero level spells would be quite efficient, and not that useful in other situations. 

#### BEN

Yeah, I'll just... 

#### LYDIA

I've got still a bit of stabbing left from that last thing, is there... do you need your spells, or is that--? 

#### BEN

No, it should be alright. I'm just considering which ones to get rid of because I've got Detect Poison... I think it's Stabilise or Create Water. I think my Heal check is good enough to not have to worry.

#### LYDIA

There's a ton of water around. 

#### BEN

But if the building's on fire I can't get the Thames out.

#### LYDIA

Ohhh, true.

#### BEN

I'm now paranoid about fire because of Alex's inferno encounter. So, I will get rid of... I will burn the Detect Poison and Stabilise.

#### LYDIA

Cool! Back on 10. 

#### ALEX

I'm going to poison all of you and no one's going to be stable! _(laughs evilly)_

#### BRYN

So, technically characters don't know about hit points. 

#### LYDIA

Right. I've got some wounds, basically. 

#### BRYN

But a cleric with a Heal check can assess how badly hurt you are, and so that's the workaround for it. 

#### BEN

Would you like me to do an assessment? 

#### ALEX

Honestly I'd rather accelerate the game because your Heal's that high it's kind of immaterial. I would just say something like, if you ever need a heal, rather than saying "I need 2 Heal," just go up and say --

#### LYDIA

"This hurts!"

#### ALEX

"I feel dodgy," and then he'll just effectively know. 

#### LYDIA

Gotcha. 

#### ALEX

Unless you have something quite obscure, in which case -- say, if you were poisoned with a hallucinogen or something. Obviously I wouldn't get you to go, "I have some kind of hallucinogen in me."

#### JAMES

"Cleric, cleric, it hurts when I touch my arm, it hurts when I touch my leg, it hurts when I touch my nose..."

#### ALEX

That's because you're a zombie! 

#### JAMES

_(simultaneously)_ "That's cos your finger's broken!"

#### LYDIA

Your hand's broken!

#### JAMES

Yeah!

#### BRYN

That's because you've had Malekith's Eternal Pain cast upon you! 

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Welcome to a brave new world! 

#### BEN

Pathfinder GPs! 

#### ALEX

You know what? I think I'm going to call it there, and you guys know what you are going to do, you've got a plan. You know what you're going to do. You're going to sweep in and...

#### LYDIA

I'm going to stab so many people! 

##### [THE RUSHING SOUNDS OF THE RIVER FADE AWAY]

#### BRYN

Now you mentioned earlier -- I don't know if you mentioned it on recording but you said that overnight, while we slept last night, we all levelled up. 

#### ALEX

Yes, that is true!

#### BRYN

So *also* we're going to, before our next actual live session where we record the next few episodes, we're all going to have to level up our characters and be LEVEL TWO!

##### [CHEERING]

#### LYDIA

Bureaucracy!

#### ALEX

That's insane!

Yeah, so we'll get back on that one, and we'll definitely spend a bit of time at the start of the next episode discussing it. So! I'll tell you what, Bryn, use your announcer voice to send us off. 

#### BRYN

_(announcer voice)_ Tune in next week for more exciting tales from *Rusty Quill Gaming!*

##### [EVERYONE CHEERS LIKE A CANNED STUDIO AUDIENCE]

##### [PAUSE, THEN LAUGHTER]

##### [Show Theme -- Outro]

#### ALEX

Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a creative commons attribution, non-commercial share alike 4.0 international license. Today's episode was directed by Alexander J Newall and produced by Hannah Preisinger. To subscribe, buy merchandise, or join our Patron, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online. Tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on Facebook, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Join our community on Discord, or via Reddit at r/rustyquill. Thanks for listening. 

##### [Show Theme -- Outro Ends]

#### ALEX

Test, test. Test, test. _(singsong)_ Beep, bap a doop-boop boo, do skooba boo. _(normally)_ Right, okay, Lydia. 

#### LYDIA

_(singing)_ I can't do... those beepy-boopy-doop things!

#### ALEX

And Ben. 

#### BEN

_(laughing)_ I can do those a-beepy-boopy-doop things. _(singsong)_ A-beepy boopy doopy-doop. A doopa-beep-beep.

#### ALEX

Right, Bryn. 

#### LYDIA

Aww. 

#### BRYN

A-shoowap doo-wap booooo. 

#### ALEX

And James?

#### JAMES

_(singing)_ Give me a kiss to build a dream on, and my imagination will... 

Do I have it right on that case? I think that...

#### ALEX

_(whispers, laughing)_ That's fine. 

------

#### ALEX

...And we're coming to you from London, England *and playing* in London, England. Now I think about it, I never realised... 

#### ALL OTHER PLAYERS

Whoaaaaaaaaa! 

#### JAMES

How deep does this rabbit hole go?! 

#### BEN

Maybe the game isn't the game, maybe we *are* the game... 

#### JAMES

Maybe we're the players in the game, we're being played by -- there's a paladin and a cleric and we're all sat around a table in a castle somewhere, and we're playing this real-life game... 

#### BRYN

Stop. No recursing.

##### [JAMES & BEN GROAN, LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Take the red pill and you'll find yourself at a table and it's really sweaty... Okay.