---
layout:          post
title:           "MAGP 30.03 - What If They Listened to Colin? (What If)"
date:            2024-10-10 15:00:00 # in UTC
episode_type:      [special]
tags:            []
voiced:          []
categories:			"tmagp"
podcasts: ["tmagp"]
title_prefix:	"MAGP"
prev_categories: ["tmagp"]
prev_prefixes: ["MAGP"]
prev_episode:	['03002-fluff']
prev_episode_num:		['030.02']
prev_episode_title:		["Plenty More Fish (Fluff)"]
next_categories: ["tmagp"]
next_prefixes: ["MAGP"]
next_episode:	['03004-s1-qna']
next_episode_num:		['030.04']
next_episode_title:		["Season 1 QnA"]
episode_title:   'What If They Listened to Colin? (What If)'
episode_number:  '030.03'
content_flags:   ["Alcohol"]
acast_url:      https://shows.acast.com/themagnusarchives/episodes/the-magnus-protocol-what-if-1
formats:
    Official PDF: https://rustyquillcom.sharepoint.com/:f:/g/ElFMfJSzHzRMhhWGghFX8E8Bg27o0_Amiemvu0Hqq8D6Yg
official:        true
---

##### [Intro Theme]

#### ANNOUNCER

Rusty Quill Presents: The Magnus Protocol.

What If Episode 1 -- What If They Listened to Colin? 

##### [Music]

---

<!-- 1. O.I.A.R. MAIN OFFICE -- AFTERNOON, CLEAR (ALICE'S PHONE) -->

##### [Beeping and whirring, then a dial tone: a phone recording]

##### [Slow, plodding typing noises -- the keys sound modern now!]

##### [Alice sighs, moans and stretches luxuriously]

##### [Lena almost immediately starts to tap on her glass outside]

#### ALICE

_(muttering)_ Yeah, yeah...

##### [Alice returns to work. It's agonizingly monotonous.]

##### [A door opens:] 

#### COLIN

_(noticeably more upbeat than usual)_ Hey Alice, sorry to interrupt, um, see --

#### ALICE

_(manic)_ Oh thank god -- *Colin!* Colin, my main man, the techlord himself! How are you? It's great to see ya! 

#### COLIN

_(dubious)_ ...Uh-huh.

##### [Swivel chair noises as Alice stands]

#### ALICE

We should go catch up! Grab a coffee in the breakroom, share a few laughs, catch each other up on --

##### [Lena taps on her glass again, faster this time]

##### [Alice takes a theatrically deep and steadying breath and sits again]

#### ALICE

...literally anything than sitting alone at my desk, *forever.* 

#### COLIN

_(chuckles)_ Problems? 

#### ALICE

Everything is working just like you said it would. 

#### COLIN

Told you. And all it took was ripping the entire system out and rebuilding it from the ground up. No more mad German algorithms, just nice straightforward webcrawlers. 

#### ALICE

Uh-huh.

_(sulky)_ I want you to change it back. 

#### COLIN

_(laughing)_ Alice --

#### ALICE

Just hear me out, all right? It's not like you've got anything better to do. 

#### COLIN

I mean...

#### ALICE

And that's exactly the problem! When you said you could, _(audible air-quotes)_ "fix everything," I kinda thought you meant you would make it better for everyone. 

#### COLIN

...It is better.

#### ALICE

Is it, though? Or am I sitting here *alone,* bored out of my *goddamned skuuuull?* 

#### COLIN

Alice, you were bored before. Besides which, this place was a madhouse. Nothing worked, no one could get anything done.

#### ALICE

_(wistful)_ It was wonderful... 

#### COLIN

It was my own personal hell, is what it was. Now look around. Everything *works!* It takes you half as long to get through your case load --

#### ALICE

_(sulkier)_ So Lena gives me twice as much!

#### COLIN

And now we're working *days.* We get weekends now, bank holidays, we get to see the sun...!

#### ALICE

_(sulkiest)_ I hate the sun.

#### COLIN

No you don't. 

#### ALICE

And I miss Freddie, and Chester, and Norris, and Augu--

##### [Colin sighs.] 

#### COLIN

You said you liked the new system. 

#### ALICE

And I did!

Until it got everyone *fired.*

##### [A long pause.]

How exactly did you think they were going to pay for the overhaul, with all those extra bells and whistles you said they needed? 

#### COLIN

I dunno. Lena said she'd take care of it.

#### ALICE

Pro tip, Colin, mate, when someone says they're going to "take care of it" you might want to check if they mean it in a pinstripe-suit concrete-galoshes kinda way before going ahead with it!

#### COLIN

You literally cheered when Gwen left.

#### ALICE

That was different. That was funny.

##### [She sighs deeply.]

But what the hell do I do now? I'm a cat without a mouse! No one to bullshit with, no one to *talk* to... I'm trapped down here alone, the last years of my youth leaking out through every tap of my desperately ergonomic keyboard.

##### [She taps mournfully at the keys]

##### [The computer gives a beautiful, glowing chirrup of approval]

#### ALICE

*Disgusting.*

#### COLIN

_(snorts)_ Not my fault you had the best KPIs. Anyway, I might have something here to cheer you up. 

#### ALICE

Oh yeah? 

##### [Rustling as Colin pulls something out of his bag:]

#### COLIN

New company phone. Lena said you've been having issues with your old one. 

#### ALICE

Yeah. It had this weird bug where it got thrown out of a window. 

#### COLIN

Well, she says she needs you "on call," so...

#### ALICE

Don't do this to me, Colinnnn.

#### COLIN

It's got a really janky AI assistant... Maybe that'll fill the void?

#### ALICE

...

Well it's a start, I suppose.

##### [She takes the phone]

##### [The recording shuts off]

---

<!-- 2. The Pub Int.- Afternoon, clear (SAM's Phone) The Pub is crowded and louder than is comfortable. SAM pushes his way through to get to Gwen.  -->

##### [Dial-up tone: another phone recording]

##### [Sam is pushing his way through a chattering crowd]

#### SAM

Watch your backs!

##### [He sits, putting a drink down on the table]

#### SAM

They're out of sherry, so I got you a G and T. 

#### GWEN

Thank you. I guess. 

#### SAM

Next one's on you.

##### [He drinks]

It's funny, I used to wonder how this place could afford to stay open.

#### GWEN

_(emotionlessly)_ It's almost like pubs make more money at six PM on a Tuesday than five AM on a Sunday.

#### SAM

Right?

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I miss working nights. I'd forgotten how the Tube is during rush hour. 

#### GWEN

Traffic's the same.

#### SAM

Makes sense.

##### [They both drink]

##### [Awkward silence]

#### SAM

So... what have you been up to? 

#### GWEN

Went home to visit family. 

#### SAM

Sounds nice. 

#### GWEN

It wasn't.

How about you?

#### SAM

Er. No. I am staying as far away from mum and dad as I can until I've got better news. I've been applying for jobs, but for now it's... beep-beep. 

#### GWEN

...Beep-beep?

_(realising)_ Ah.

#### SAM

Sainsbury's. And even that was a struggle. 

#### GWEN

...Sounds... interesting. 

#### SAM

Does it? 

#### GWEN

Not really, no.

##### [They both drink]

##### [It's amazing how silent they can be in such a noisy place]

#### GWEN

Are you still investigating that university? 

#### SAM

Hm? Oh, the Magnus Institute! _(chuckles)_ Fat chance, this is the first time off I've had in two weeks. No, it turns out creepy mysteries are a bourgeois luxury.

#### GWEN

_(huffs)_ Careful, you're starting to sound like Alice.

#### SAM

Uh -- have you heard anything from --

#### GWEN

No. 

#### SAM

...Gwen, it's not her fault.

##### [Another pause.]

#### SAM

So, uh...

##### [Teddy noisily approaches them.] 

#### TEDDY

Coming through, coming through! 

#### SAM

_(under his breath)_ Oh thank Christ.

#### TEDDY

Hey, *there* you both are! _(he sits)_ And you got a table! Nice! 

#### GWEN

I got here early. I had time to kill. 

#### TEDDY

I hear that. Well, let's see if we can do something about that.

#### SAM

Yeah. So don't get me wrong, Teddy, I appreciate the invite, but like, what's this about? 

#### GWEN

I'm somewhat curious myself. 

#### TEDDY

Ah, right, straight to it then. _(clears throat)_ I've got you both a job. 

#### SAM

Hm?

#### GWEN

_(simultaneously)_ *Excuse* me?

#### TEDDY

Well, *almost.* Provisionally, at least. Basically, the people I'm working for have heard that there are more ex-O.I.A.R. staff looking for a gig, and they are just so happy with *me,* that they wanna know if either of you are interested.

Congrats, you've both been headhunted.

#### SAM

Huh! Okay, so like... what do they --

#### GWEN

Why? 

##### [Beat.]

#### TEDDY

Uh -- sorry? 

#### GWEN

The O.I.A.R. was hardly a dynamic work environment, and no offence, Sam, but the ink was still wet on your probation when they kicked *you* out. 

#### SAM

Okay, some offence, but whatever.

#### GWEN

_(sighs)_ My point is, why on earth would they want to headhunt both of us? 

#### TEDDY

I mean, there's a certain amount of overlap, and -- you *can* say this for the O.I.A.R.: for all its faults, it was... "specialist"? I suppose you could call it resource allocation.

#### GWEN

Hm. 

#### SAM

Not my first choice, but I could definitely be convinced. So like, do they want to meet, or --

#### TEDDY

Yep. 

#### SAM

_(thrown)_ ...Okay, cool! I should be able to get some time off booked next week, if, um --

#### TEDDY

Now. 

##### [Gwen exhales]

#### SAM

What? 

#### TEDDY

I told you they were keen. That's why I asked you here in person. If you're interested, I can get you signed up right now. 

#### SAM

Oh. O-okay! I am available, I guess...

##### [Alice enters unobserved in the background.]

#### ALICE

_(faintly)_ I'll try and grab us a table! 

#### GWEN

_(not noticing her)_ No. 

#### SAM

No?

#### GWEN

_(preparing to leave)_ Oh, I think *you* should definitely take this opportunity, Sam, but... I think I'm going to have to be a bit more... discerning, this time round. No offence. 

#### SAM

Again, kind of offended, but... whatever. 

#### TEDDY

If you're sure... 

#### GWEN

I very much am. Working for the O.I.A.R. was a... phase. _(hint of sadness)_ I've been talking with my father, and, well.

Anyway, if you'll both excuse me I have a car waiting.

#### ALICE

_(to crowd)_ Watch your backs, hot stuff comin' through!

_(noticing the gang, stopping)_ Oh. Er... Hi?

#### GWEN

_(icy)_ Ms Dyer. Surprised to see you here at this time. 

#### ALICE

_(awkward)_ Oh -- yeah. We're on days now, so, y'know... 

#### GWEN

Of course you are.

If you'll excuse me.

#### SAM

See you, Gwen. 

#### TEDDY

Yeah, bye!

##### [Gwen exits as aloof as she can manage in a dense London drinking crowd.]

#### ALICE

Hey Sam, Teddy. 

#### TEDDY

Hey Alice! 

#### SAM

_(flat)_ Hey.

##### [Beat.]

#### TEDDY

_(valiant attempt at cheer)_ So, yeah! Er, tell you what, then, Sam -- why don't I go call them and let them know you're coming and you can follow after you've had a chance to, uh... catch up? 

#### SAM

Sure. 

#### TEDDY

Catch you later, Alice, yeah? 

#### ALICE

Sure, look after yourself. 

#### TEDDY

Always do!

##### [Teddy exits through the dense crowd.]

#### ALICE

Sooo... you haven't drowned.

#### SAM

What? 

#### ALICE

My new therapist tells me I need to think more positively. I notice you haven't been flayed by an industrial shredder either. 

#### SAM

_(a little brighter)_ Yeah, no, I'm fine. You? 

#### ALICE

Same old. Enforcing the evil will of a self-interested government one taxpayer-funded paycheck at a time. 

#### SAM

...Cool.

##### [A long pause]

##### [Alice is clearly uncomfortable and works herself up to:]

#### ALICE

Listen, Sam.

#### SAM

You don't need to apologise. 

#### ALICE

No, really, I --

#### SAM

It's fine. Honestly. You couldn't have known. 

#### ALICE

None of us did. I mean, Lena was literally interviewing another newbie the day before!

#### SAM

I get it. It just... sucked, y'know?

#### ALICE

I do.

...

It was good to see you again. Would've been nice if it had lasted. 

#### SAM

Yeah, well, unfortunately this is clearly a pretty bleak timeline.

##### [He drinks.] 

#### ALICE

You're forgetting about the one where Colin went mental and built an army of robots to torment us in his *cyberpunk sex dungeon.* 

#### SAM

Eh, at least it wasn't boring. Speaking of...

##### [Colin approaches from the distance.] 

#### COLIN

_(brightly)_ You got a table? Nice one! Oh hey, uh... _(guiltily)_ Er. 

#### SAM

Sam. 

#### COLIN

Sam, right, yeah. _(he sets his drink down)_ How you doing? 

#### SAM

_(coldly)_ I was actually just leaving. I've got an interview.

#### COLIN

Oh -- great! 

#### SAM

Assuming it lasts longer than the last one.

#### COLIN

_(even more guiltily)_ Hah... yeahhhh. 

#### ALICE

Let me know if they need anyone to turn up and make the corporate culture impossibly toxic! I'd be wanting six figures, and use of the corporate jet, of course. 

#### SAM

Of course.

##### [He stands]

Have a good one, guys. Say hi to Chester for me. 

#### ALICE

Hah. Will do.

##### [Sam exits; the phone recording goes with him]

##### [Colin and Alice's voices grow distant:]

#### COLIN

Mm, I doubt he could've hacked it anyway. 

#### ALICE

...

I'll hack *you* in a minute.

##### [Phone recording shuts off]

---

##### [Music]

#### ANNOUNCER

The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall.

This episode was written by Alexander J Newall and edited with additional materials by Jonathan Sims, with vocal edits by Nico Vettese, soundscaping by Meg Mckellar, and mastering by Catherine Rinella with music by Sam Jones.

It featured Billie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samama Khalid, Anusia Battersby as Gwen Bouchard, Ryan Hopevere-Anderson as Colin Becher, Kazeem Tosin Amore as Teddy Vaughan.

The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, and Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d'Raven, and Megan Nice.

To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on facebook or email us at mail@rustyquill.com.

Thanks for listening.