---
layout:          post
title:           "MAG189.02 - Twilight Abyss - Part 1"
date:            2020-12-10 11:00:00 -0400
episode_type:      special
tags:            [Non-Canon, Twilight Abyss]
categories:			"tma"
podcasts: ["tma"]
title_prefix:	"MAG"
prev_categories: ["tma"]
prev_prefixes: ["MAG"]
next_categories: ["tma"]
next_prefixes: ["MAG"]
prev_episode:   ['18901-magcastq-a-retrospective-1']
next_episode:   ['18903-twilight-abyss-2']
prev_episode_num:		['189.01']
next_episode_num:		['189.03']
prev_episode_title:		["MAG Cast Q&A - Retrospective #1"]
next_episode_title:		["Twilight Abyss - Part 2"]
episode_title:   'Twilight Abyss - Part 1'
episode_number:  '189.02'
summary:         "Welcome to the first instalment of Jonny's improvised horror roleplay game! <br/><br/>In this first episode of three, Jonny, Ben, Lydia & Lowri collaborate to create characters & set them on a journey of infinite dread, horror and health code violations..."
content_flags:   ["Innuendo","Mentions of: heights, death, mild child peril"]
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/themagnusarchives/magtheblindabyss-part1
formats: 
  # DOCX:   
  # PDF: 
  Google Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c4kCCmTARRuyVWWH5od-wb3t0DrXtIrfHhl2JKMSpcI/edit
official:        false
unofficial: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c4kCCmTARRuyVWWH5od-wb3t0DrXtIrfHhl2JKMSpcI/edit
unofficial_name: 'Anonymous'
wiki_url:        
---

#### JONNY

Hello everyone, it's Jonny! We're playing _[dramatic pause]_ a game.

##### [BACKGROUND SPLUTTERS OF LAUGHTER]

What game, you ask? I don't know, Lowri asked me to do this like two days ago so we're finding out together. Uh... Hello, Lowri, sorry to throw you under the bus immediately. It is going to be a horror game RPG set in, "well we'll figure it out," with a title of, "who knows?" and it's gonna be using a system of my own design. So --

#### LYDIA

The real horror is the unknown.

#### JONNY

The real horror is the unknown.

#### LYDIA

*And* Jonny.

#### LOWRI

Oh, we solved it.

#### JONNY

Yes, and I am bringing that horror to you all, in your ears. Let us meet our players. So first up, there is Ben Meredith.

#### BEN

Hello.

#### JONNY

Who are you, Ben?

#### BEN

_[ominously]_ I don't know.

##### [MORE SPLUTTERS OF LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

Okay, no, we've done the horror of the unknown --

#### BEN

Oh!

#### JONNY

-- the *audience* needs to know.

#### BEN

Oh, I'm Ben, I play Elias. I'd imagine you'd know that by now. I'm also in another podcast, also by the Rusty Quill. Go listen to them! Thank you.

#### JONNY

And next up is to my right, in my mind because obviously we are in fact miles and miles apart, is Lydia Nicholas! Who are you, Lydia?

#### LYDIA

I'm amused to start with -- there was a lot of arguing about alphabetical order before this and I... should not have come at this point so Jonny is already messing with me. Thank you, Jonny; the true horror is Mr Sims. Uh, I'm Lydia Nicholas, I play Melanie in Magnus and I play various characters in Rusty Quill Gaming.

#### JONNY

Okay and finally, we have Lowri.

#### LOWRI

Hello! I am Lowri and I produce the Magnus Archives and I edit Rusty Quill Gaming. It's great! Go listen to that as well.

#### BEN

_[intoning]_ __Listen to it.__

#### JONNY

Also, Lowri is what you might think of as an Easter egg voice in Magnus. You know, you could turn up sometimes --

#### LOWRI

-- "sometimes" --

#### JONNY

-- in roles here and there --

#### LOWRI

-- just a hint of Welsh somewhere --

#### JONNY

-- yeah, sometimes we'll be like, _[thoughtfully]_ "This role, it's just not *Welsh* enough."

#### LYDIA

Sort of like Alex! You've actually done an impression of Jonny for pickups several times and no one's noticed.

#### JONNY

Yeah.

#### LYDIA

"It's just a bit *Welsh* in this one, I don't know why. Probably the horror."

#### JONNY

Yeah, what's actually -- uh, fun fact a lot of listeners won't know is that since episode 102, all my lines have actually been delivered by Lowri.

#### LOWRI

God, I wish I was that good!

#### JONNY

We just twist them in post-production. Let's -- let's -- let's figure out what we're playing. So first up we're going to need a setting. Where do we want the horror to occur?

#### LYDIA

Can it be somewhere warm, just because it's really cold here?

#### JONNY

Yeah, it could be somewhere warm.

#### LOWRI

Oh, I'm really hot at the moment, but sure.

#### LYDIA

Oh --

#### LOWRI

It'll involve less acting.

#### LYDIA

Right, yeah.

#### JONNY

So -- okay, let's split the difference, go with somewhere, like... tepid.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LOWRI(?)

So, London.

#### JONNY

Somewhere just -- *really* temperate.

#### BEN

I'd like the horrors to occur in a bath that I've left for three hours.

#### JONNY

We could have -- yeah, we could have a horror in a spa.

#### LYDIA

Ooh, yeah!

#### JONNY

Just for horror, why not.

#### LYDIA

An *abandoned* spa? An abandoned water park?

#### BEN

Ooooh.

#### JONNY

Ooh, an abandoned water park.

#### LYDIA(?)

Very malarial.

#### JONNY

Or, or an active water park, we'll see how things -- uh, we'll see how things feel. So! Adventure is going to take place in a water park. And I am now going to roll up the title, because I have created -- entirely for my own amusement, this is not available through MacGuffin and Company, mine and Sasha's games company, it's not available anywhere except on my computer -- I've created a cosmic horror, sort of Cthulhu-esque title generator. Uh, so --

#### LYDIA

Do you know how much people would pay for that advertising space? For like the thing that you're like *available... on my computer!*

#### JONNY

You can't have it, it's mine!

#### LYDIA

_[putting on an advertising voice]_ This cosmic title is really suitable for fans of the Magnus Archives and Rusty Quill Gaming. Maybe Stellar Firma as well, since you're like a --

##### [INAUDIBLE CROSSTALK]

#### JONNY

It's mine! It's mine, Lyd, they can't have it!

#### LYDIA

Ah. Suitable for them, they can't have it.

#### JONNY

I don't know, maybe -- maybe I'll format it as a PDF. I'll whip out my graphic design skills.

#### LOWRI

_[teasing]_ You're gonna need to let me know if you actually want to do that,

#### JONNY

Put it in papyrus.

#### LOWRI

Because if I don't cut that out, there's gonna be demand.

#### JONNY

_[after cackling for a while]_ So I'm gonna say -- how many words do we want this title to be? Probably... three or four?

#### LOWRI(?)

Yeah, I was going for four or five, so --

#### JONNY

Okay, well, okay -- let's say four, but one of them is going to be a preposition.

#### BEN

Yeah, because you want a Night of the Living Dead,

##### [crosstalk]

#### JONNY

Absolutely, absolutely. Words we've got, uh...

##### [EVERYONE MAKES APPROPRIATE OOHS AS JONNY ROLLS DICE]

We've got "abyss," "twilight," and 75, *"soldier."* Which is unexpected, but interesting! And finally our preposition is... "before."

#### LYDIA

"This Abyss before Soldier."

#### JONNY

Like, "Before the Abyss of the Twilight Soldier." Or "The Twilight Abyss."

#### LYDIA

_[thoughtfully]_ "The Twilight before the Soldier Abyss."

#### JONNY

_[quiet mumble]_ "The Twilight before"... _[louder]_ You know what, I don't think -- I'm not feeling the word "soldier" in this one, 'cause we're in a spa.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, we're in a water park.

#### JONNY

We're just having a nice day and then a *Rambo* pops out of a shed.

##### [BACKGROUND GIGGLING]

Yeah, I've decided -- I've decided to discount "soldier" because, yeah, otherwise it's waterpark Rambo with cosmic horror.

#### LYDIA

We are actually going for straight horror here. There may be absurd elements, but the idea that Rambo rocks up... maybe absurd? *Too* absurd?

#### JONNY

Uh, the new word is "blind." So it will be "Before the Twilight of the Blind Abyss." 

##### [MORE BACKGROUND OOHS]

So we are playing the adventure... _[lowers his voice ominously]_ "Before the Twilight of the Blind Abyss."

#### LYDIA

Oh, so it's actually midday then, if it's before twilight. It's nice and sunny.

#### JONNY

Well, I mean -- to begin with. To begin with.

#### LYDIA

_[ah]_ Okay. Gets darker.

#### JONNY

And it will be at a water park. So! Who do you want to be playing? Let's, let's have some character creation.

##### [BACKGROUND THOUGHTFUL NOISES]

You could be a water park attendant, you could be a water park *attendee*... those are basically the options.

#### BEN

I think I would like to play an investigator from the Board of Health and Safety, here to test the hygiene in the water park.

#### JONNY

Brilliant.

#### LOWRI

That's nice -- I was gonna say I'd quite like to be the caretaker of the water park.

#### JONNY

Caretaker, brilliant.

#### BEN

Are you wearing a rubber mask that we're gonna have to take off at some point?

#### LOWRI

_[amused]_ Yes.

#### JONNY

And Lyd?

#### LYDIA

I mean, I'm torn between either being management who is deeply invested in, uh, not receiving a poor Health and Safety rating.

##### [JONNY MHMS; BEN LAUGHS]

Or *lower* management who's only mildly invested in that, and also don't have any idea what's going on. Or a guest pretending to be one of the two.

#### JONNY

Would you be one of those, uh, a summer teen who's got a part-time job at the water park?

#### LYDIA

Uh, yeah! Yeah, I could do that but I've, I'm trying for management so like...

#### JONNY

Ahhhh.

#### BEN

_[laughing]_ A *bootlicking* summer teen.

#### LOWRI

An ambitious summer teen!

#### BEN

You really think that your, your summer waterpark job is going somewhere. This is a career path.

##### [JONNY CACKLES IN THE BACKGROUND]

#### LYDIA

Oh, yeah, it's a career.

#### JONNY

Brilliant.

#### LYDIA

The Serious Summer Teen.

#### JONNY

_[taking notes]_ Summer teen... lifeguard?

#### LYDIA

Yes, yes.

#### LOWRI

Oh Lydia, I think you were a lifeguard in the last thing we played together! In, um, Bermuda.

#### LYDIA

_[remembering]_ Oh, I was a lifeguard that was afraid of water.

#### LOWRI

Yeah! 

#### JONNY

Yeah, but that was comedy, and this is serious.

#### LOWRI

Yeah, this is definitely going to be serious.

#### JONNY

This is deeply serious.

#### LYDIA

I just really like playing lifeguard.

#### JONNY

This is serious, serious horror in a serious water park, with a serious... blind abyss.

#### LYDIA

Twilight issue. It's got some really... bad... twilight problems.

#### LOWRI

Oh my God, are there shiny vampires?

#### JONNY

_[mortally offended]_ No, there are not shiny vampires!

#### LYDIA

Serious vampires, Lowri!

#### BEN

Very -- very matte vampires.

#### JONNY

I can't believe none of you are taking this seriously. So, basic system: 2d6. Your standard target is an 8; it can increase to a 10 or 12 if it's really hard, or go down to a 6 if it's very easy. 

You'll have four sort of traits, four aspects, if one of them is relevant you can lower it by two. You can also lower your target by two, by essentially -- I've stolen the Devil's Bargain mechanic from Blades in the Dark, which is if you negotiate a bad consequence with me, it will make it easier for you. You'll also have a couple of abilities that you can just -- things you can just do.

Everything is broadly hit point based, you'll start with seven hit points. If you take physical damage, you lose hit points; if you get scared, you might lose hit points; if you really embarrass yourself, maybe you'll lose hit points.

#### LYDIA

So this -- this represents physical, emotional, and psychological strength.

#### JONNY

Yeah, it's just, it's just how many hits you can take. Whatever form the hits come in, that's how many you can take.

#### LOWRI

That's quite real to life!

#### LYDIA

So if you insult us really badly...

#### JONNY

Maybe it's a hit point! Maybe it's a hit point.

#### LYDIA

Cool.

#### JONNY

Yeah. And if you're out of hit points you are incapacitated as appropriate. Maybe you, leave the party...

#### LYDIA

_[simultaneously]_ Run away crying...

#### JONNY

Yeah, maybe you --

#### LYDIA

Maybe you die --

#### JONNY

May -- yeah, maybe you die. If you lose your last hit point, like, wrestling the worm that resides within the earth and silently bides its time until it rises and wipes humanity from the face of its planet, then probably you die.

#### LYDIA

Then you probably run away crying, because that worm has some *real* zingers.

#### JONNY

It's, it's a very --

#### LYDIA

It's been thinking about cruel jibes.

#### BEN

Less the spirit of the staircase, more the spirit of the eternal void.

#### JONNY

Just spend two eons just sat in the center of planet Earth, being like, _[frustrated]_ "Ugh, I should have said --"

##### [BEAT]

#### BEN(?)

"I should have said, *you're* the spineless one."

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

So. Ben, you're an investigator. How would you, how are you imagining him? How are you picturing -- or her, or them.

#### BEN

I'll -- I'll go with a bloke for now. And I think, I mean we're at a water park, we're going to be pretty cookie-cutter schlock horror, so I'm definitely an uptight bureaucrat who has a vendetta against this park, because... I asked the owner out on a date once and they said no,

##### [SOMEONE MOCK-GASPS]

So I'm going to close this, it's -- Okay, it's that -- I'm playing that bloke from Bob's Burgers.

#### JONNY

Brilliant.

#### BEN

That's, that's what's happened here.

#### JONNY

So I'm gonna give you the four traits Uptight, Bureaucrat, probably... Vengeful,

#### BEN

Cool.

#### JONNY

And let's -- let's say -- we probably want you to have a, like, *good* thing.

#### BEN

Science!

#### JONNY

What's, what's one good thing about your investigator?

#### BEN

I've got my water van! I've got science! I can, I can test things, I can pH balances, you know. Looking at -- are there any turds in the pool, you know, magnifying glass for that...

##### [BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]

#### LOWRI

Oh *no* --

#### JONNY

In which case I'm going to give you the trait Analytic.

#### BEN

Yeah, I've got my piss sonar, you know...

##### [BACKGROUND LAUGHTER ESCALATES TO BACKGROUND 'LOSING IT']

All the standard water park stuff.

#### JONNY

What -- what -- _[splutters]_ like, the thing is you haven't really said any bad words.

#### BEN

Exactly. I love to skirt, I love to skirt around it.

#### JONNY

You've just been gross!

##### [BEN LAUGHS EVILLY]

Okay, what about you, Lyd? What's your summer teen lifeguard like?

#### LYDIA

I think I'm gonna play a ditsy bloke.

#### JONNY

Brilliant.

#### LYDIA

He's gonna be sporty, he's gonna look like... something out of Baywatch.

#### JONNY

Grand.

#### LOWRI

Is he a himbo?

#### LYDIA

So that, yeah... himbo bloke, but really, really earnest. So I'm not kind of trying to, you know, hide things to protect management, I really believe in... _[beat]_ Mr Calcifer, who's like, he's the boss.

#### JONNY

Mr Calcifer. Yep! Brilliant.

#### LYDIA

-- who I just, I really -- I really look up to him, um, and I think that I've really got a career out here at the water park of the -- of the *Twilight Abyss?* No, that's not, that's not the name of the water park, is it.

#### JONNY

No no no, it's called Slyde World, with a Y.

#### LYDIA

Yeah. I really believe in Slyde World -- I'm earnest, truthful... I probably got, if we're thinking equipment in the way that Ben's got like analytical stuff, I've got like, sports. Sports, or like water safety gear, so you know I've got a whistle, I've got probably a life jacket --

#### JONNY

Okay, uh, what I've got down for you is your first trait is Himbo,

#### LYDIA

Yep.

#### JONNY

And I've also put Earnest, Dedicated, and Loud Whistle.

#### LYDIA

Okay, not -- not like Strong, or --

#### JONNY

Loud Whistle is a very specific one.

#### LYDIA

-- does that come under Himbo?

#### JONNY

Yeah, I feel like Himbo is, like, a very broad one. Himbo's, I think, one you're going to be getting to apply a lot.

#### LYDIA

That's cool.

#### JONNY

So I'm okay giving you one that's just, like, you've got a whistle.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, cool.

#### BEN

_[conspiratorially]_ So I don't want to shock anyone, but I'm pretty sure the owner of the water park is a skeleton, because his name is Mr Calcifer and I refuse to believe that anybody who's not actually a skeleton is called that.

#### JONNY

I mean, you've seen him. You've seen him. He's very thin, I mean, admittedly he does wear those big hats and those huge shades, even -- even in the winter, but crucially you don't see him a *lot.*

#### LYDIA

_[in character]_ That's just because he's, he's had a lot of chlorine damage to his skin, that's what happens when you dedicate yourself to -- uh -- to safety and fun for all the family! He's taken a *lot* on himself, including *serious* chlorine damage, so he needs to, like, cover his skin because it's now got a skin condition.

#### JONNY

Yeah, he was -- he was in a pool cleaning accident, three years ago.

#### LYDIA

He was. It was terribly tragic, it was, yeah.

#### JONNY

He's never, like -- he's, he's been a bit of a recluse ever since.

#### LYDIA

_[almost choked-up]_ It's *really sad.*

#### JONNY

Mr Leroy Calcifer, who runs Slyde World. So Slyde World, obviously the logo of which is like, it's a very close-up sort of abstracted cartoony face, with a big splash behind it, that's smiling. If you look at it too long, maybe it's -- maybe it looks almost more like it's... _[doubtfully]_ screaming? No! Obviously it's screaming in, uh --

#### LYDIA

Screaming with joy!

#### JONNY

Yeah, screaming with -- joy! Because of the slides.

#### LYDIA

_[still in character]_ In fact, if you would like a picture of your experience going down the Hell Fall, uh, we can arrange that. The picture doesn't always show up under normal lighting but, uh, it's just because the machine's broken.

#### LOWRI

Ignore the extra people in the background.

#### JONNY

Let's finish creating Lowri's character.

#### LOWRI

Yes, hello!

#### JONNY

Your caretaker.

#### LOWRI

I would like access to infinite cleaning things.

#### JONNY

Okay, brilliant. I'm going to say Cleaner --

#### LOWRI

Yeah.

#### JONNY

-- as a trait.

#### LOWRI

Or like, you know, always able to find a cupboard of cleaning stores.

#### JONNY

Uh, Resourceful?

#### LOWRI

Yeah! Sure.

#### JONNY

You old as balls?

#### LOWRI

Yeah.

#### JONNY

_[to himself, taking notes]_ "Old As Balls"...

##### [LAUGHTER]

Are we allowed to say balls?

#### BEN

How old are balls? That's what I'm wondering.

#### LOWRI

Oh, I guess it depends who they're attached to!

#### JONNY

Like, really old, Ben!

#### BEN

Really old!

#### JONNY

They're old as balls!

#### BEN

*Really old balls.*

#### LOWRI

Well we've said it a lot now, so either there's going to be a lot of beeping or we're going to cut that out.

#### BEN

Well, we're talking about -- no, but it's old as like this really old rugby ball I found --

#### LOWRI

This is true.

#### BEN

-- there's a football that's been stuck up the school roof for, like, I think like 50 years. You know, it's -- it's made of old leather.

#### JONNY

The *first* ball was invented in 2003 A -- yeah. AD? No, that's the future. 17 years ago. Wait, 2003 AD is 17 years ago, Jonny; do you know what time is?

#### LYDIA

_[in character]_ Seventeen is actually really old,

#### LOWRI

_[laughing]_ Oh, no...

#### LYDIA

And you can be very responsible at 17.

#### JONNY

Uh, so the caretaker is Old As Balls.

#### LOWRI

_[cheerful]_ Old As Balls!

#### BEN

So like 17 years old, we think.

#### LOWRI

Yeah, has worked their entire life I would say. Knows the park inside out, and, uh, cares very deeply.

#### JONNY

Okay, so what would be -- Loyal, should we say, for your last trait.

#### LOWRI

Yeah. I think I really -- I'm quite invested in Lydia's character. I want them to take over my job, because I see the -- because you know, I need an heir. Because I am Old As Balls.

##### [LYDIA IS WHEEZING IN THE BACKGROUND]

And who's gonna look after the park when I'm gone?

#### LYDIA

I'm -- _[coughs on laughter]_ I'm really sorry, Jonny, you were like, "This is -- this is super serious," and we've just reinvented Scooby-Doo.

#### JONNY

It's, it's, it's fine. Scooby -- are you saying that Scooby-Doo isn't, like, proper horror?

#### BEN

It's gonna be Scooby-Doo, but then Shaggy just explodes in front of us, and it's just awful.

#### JONNY

It's like, it's gonna be Scooby-Doo if Fred was lost to the Abyss.

#### LOWRI

Oh, Lyd, you *are* Fred!

#### LYDIA

In fact, uh, my name is Freddie, not Fred.

#### JONNY

Freddie, brilliant.

#### LOWRI

Of course.

#### JONNY

I've put down Freddie with an "I, E," I don't know why, it just feels...

#### LYDIA

Yeah, it's proper. Like with the Y it's sort of, um -- it's irresponsible. I'm very --

#### JONNY

Absolutely.

#### LYDIA

I'm very responsible.

#### JONNY

Ben, what's your investigator's name?

#### BEN

_[no hesitation]_ Gavin Crumble.

#### LOWRI

Oh, amazing.

##### [LYDIA STARTS CACKLING]

#### JONNY

Excellent.

#### LYDIA

I don't know why that's a work of art, but it is, and you so clearly know it.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES DARKLY]

#### JONNY

Lowri, you got a name for your caretaker?

#### LOWRI

_[also no hesitation]_ Ms Pledge.

#### JONNY

Ms Pledge. Wonderful.

#### LYDIA

Freddie doesn't have a surname.

#### LOWRI

No.

#### LYDIA

That's not relevant.

#### JONNY

He's like Cher.

##### [BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]

So in terms of abilities, I'm gonna say... Ben, you have the ability "It's in My Truck." You can find any mundane piece of equipment by returning to your truck, and you can find any specialized piece of equipment if you also spend a hit point.

#### LYDIA

Your truck is, it's *really* badly organized, so getting anything from the back --

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

Yeah, it's really stressful. Lowri, you know the park like the back of your hand, which will be an ability called "Back of My Hand." You can, at any point, declare a previously unknown section of the park that you are aware of, or a secret passage or this sort of...

#### LOWRI

Yeah, I know, a shortcut.

#### JONNY

Yeah. If you spend a hit point, it is known only to you, and it is not something that other people in the park would know about.

#### LOWRI

Right.

#### JONNY

And Lyd, your ability is also called "Himbo."

##### [LYDIA SNORTS]

At any point you can declare that your lack of understanding of something has granted you light immunity from it. If it is an imminent danger, like, if it is a legitimate danger, you will be required to spend a hit point to use that.

#### LYDIA

Okay.

#### JONNY

So you have the Final Boy power.

#### LYDIA

Yeah! Yeah, yeah. Just, _[as Freddie]_ "It's all right. What?" As the tentacles rise behind me. "What? It's fine."

#### JONNY

It's just a weird octopus, it's all right.

#### LYDIA

Yeah!

#### JONNY

I saw it in an aquarium.

#### LYDIA

_[fully as Freddie]_ Oh, yeah, Mr Calcifer said there were some new rides comin'. Um, and I would, uh, I wouldn't possibly be able to understand how they would operate, so it makes sense!

#### JONNY

So finally you all have... seven hit points!

##### [SCATTERED CHEERING]

Your characters are complete. So, it's a quiet day at Slyde World...

##### [SFX: ASSOCIATED WATER AND CROWD SOUNDS]

You know, the midday sun is shining down. The water is crystal clear, except for the water in the Hell Drop, which is artificially dyed a very, sort of deep black.

#### BEN

That's a code violation.

##### [BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

When a truck, well, a van, pulls up in front of the long admissions line which, you know, it's not quite as long and quite as full as you'd hope for a summer day like this, but as we've established it is quite a temperate summer day. It's late summer, almost early autumn? And out steps Gavin Crumble! 

Would you describe Mr Crumble, Ben?

#### BEN

Uh, yes. So Gavin Crumble is six-foot-five, rake thin, has very very nice hair but it's almost certainly a wig. No one's seen it, but everyone *suspects.* And... white guy wearing, you know, your classic sort of brown chinos belted slightly too high. He's got a white shirt with -- a white short-sleeve shirt with some pens in the top pocket, there's a calculator in there, for no particular reason because his job doesn't really need maths. And he's got, of course, a clipboard and a biro.

#### JONNY

One water plus two water equals...

#### BEN

Yes! And he's got a clipboard and a biro, which he is already tapping impatiently.

#### JONNY

Okay! You see before you the admissions line for Slyde World leading up to a single kiosk, where one slightly harried-looking young woman is sort of taking tickets and selling admissions.

#### GAVIN

Excuse me there, ma'am, say, um --

#### YOUNG WOMAN

Hm?

#### GAVIN

We've got a, a --

#### YOUNG WOMAN

You'll have to wait in line, sir.

#### GAVIN

No, _[little laugh]_ I don't think you understand, I'm from the Department of Health. _[slightly lowered voice]_ I'm the Health Inspector.

#### YOUNG WOMAN

Oh, the *Health* -- can I see some, can I see some ID?

#### GAVIN

Oh, yes, of course!

#### BEN

And he kind of gets this little, little plastic wallet with the badge of the Department of Health on it and *flips* it open like he thinks he's an FBI agent. And it does have his ID in there, but...

#### JONNY

Cool. I'm gonna ask for a roll, not -- this is not to see if she believes you; she does. It's to see if whether she thinks you're a tool or not.

#### BEN

_[over background laughter]_ Yep, that's fair.

#### JONNY

This will be a, it'll be a base difficulty of eight.

#### BEN

Can I, can I use an ability negatively? Because I definitely feel like Uptight *doesn't* help here.

#### JONNY

Iiii don't think -- you know what, I'm gonna say... no.

#### BEN

I guess that would just increase the difficulty, wouldn't it. That's how the system would work --

#### JONNY

Yeah, yeah.

#### BEN

Cool. Okay, so it's just 2d6 and...

#### JONNY

Actually I will, I'll lower it by two because you look for Bureaucratic, in the sense that like, you know, it's about whether she takes it seriously or not.

#### BEN

All right, okay. So 2d6, I've got to, uh, six or over.

#### JONNY

Yeah.

#### BEN

Six or over. That is _[laughs]_ a five.

#### JONNY

That was *five.*

##### [BACKGROUND HORRIFIED LAUGHTER]

She sort of looks at you. She's, she's been chewing gum this whole time --

#### BEN

_[as Gavin]_ Oh no, she's a teen!

#### JONNY

-- and blows a very indifferent bubble.

#### BEN

_[as Gavin]_ Oh, they're immune! They're immune to my ways!

#### JONNY

She sort of stands up and she's like,

#### YOUNG WOMAN

_[boredly]_ I'll go talk to Mr Calcifer. Wait here.

#### GAVIN

_[formal coughing]_ Yes, I will, thank you.

#### JONNY

And she leaves. Freddie, what are you up to at the moment?

#### LYDIA

Uh, I'm standing at the the top of the Hell Fall. If anything I detract slightly from its spooky air because I *shine.*

#### JONNY

Yeah, everyone --

#### LYDIA

Just glow, really.

#### JONNY

Everyone, just before they go into the big ominous hole... The line's backing up because everyone's just taking a couple of extra seconds just to kind of like -- 

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

#### JONNY

-- stare at you and be like, *mmmm.*

#### LYDIA

I kind of imagine Freddie to be like -- and this will sound weird, but he's -- so he's got, he's wearing like a Hawaiian shirt thing that's open over swimming trunks.

#### JONNY

Absolutely.

#### LYDIA

But the way that I imagine him is sort of Ken doll-ish so it's like, shiny chest but no nipples.

#### LOWRI

*Oh.*

##### [BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

Like I'm sure that they have -- like it's not that they're a *clone,* you know? It's not, as far as -- it's not that he's a clone, it's not that they've vanished as part of surgery or anything else, it's just, it's just because there's that Ken doll vision.

#### BEN

Like obviously you have nipples.

#### LYDIA

Well, I'm 17, I'm very old. Yeah, yeah, obviously he has nipples.

#### BEN

They're just, they're just -- you know, sometimes you have those nipples that just kind of seem to blend into a chest, you know? Some sort of combination of size and color means that your eyes just don't linger on the nipples.

#### LYDIA

No, no.

#### LOWRI

Glide straight off.

#### LYDIA

It's just like, something straight-up aggressively wholesome, but like also --

#### JONNY

I'm loving this.

#### LYDIA

-- but it's that kind of wholesome that's sort of problematic? Like you've just assumed something, like it's too...

#### JONNY

Yeah, no, I'm also enjoying this because -- we were talking, we were like, "Oh, these episodes are probably going to be shorter than a standard Rusty Quill Gaming episode," and we've taken up multiple minutes talking about Freddie's nittles nipple. We've taken up multiple nip -- nymph -- _[stumbles]_

#### BEN

Multiple nipples!

##### [CROSSTALK]

#### JONNY

-- talking about Freddie's nipples. Anyway, yeah, they're all going down into the Hell Dive.

##### [SFX: SHOUTS AND SCREAMS]

#### LYDIA

Yeah, so like, the Hell Dive is -- 

#### BEN(?)

_[high-pitched]_ Oh, it's scary because of the water!

#### LYDIA

Yeah, the water, the water that comes through has been has been dyed dark, but also it's -- there's a, like, cabin entrance and it's done up like a mouth. Got like that _[probably gesturing]_ and got _[more gesturing]_ big googly eyes, uh,

##### [LAUGHTER]

And so as you, as you go on your rubber raft in, it's very dark, and then there's like -- ooh, some sparkly stuff in there, there's like fairy-light type things going on, so it's all spooky.

#### JONNY

So the, uh, the last of the current line --

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

#### JONNY

You know, have stopped sort of being like *mmmm* and gone down into the, into the Hell Dive.

#### LYDIA

If you can imagine like all-American but *Blackpool?* That's what's wrong.

#### JONNY

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

#### LYDIA

There's something very wrong about that mix.

#### BEN

Also, with the description I just cannot imagine the opening of that slide not looking like the Cookie Monster.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, yeah, but like, slightly run down.

#### JONNY

Yeah. No, thing is, at the start it looked like a properly scary, like, demon face. But by now it is kind of run down to the point where it could conceivably be the Cookie Monster? But --

#### BEN

If Mr Blobby and the Cookie Monster had some sort of god-awful offspring.

##### [VARIOUS HORRIFIED NOISES]

#### LYDIA

Okay, somehow *more disturbing.*

#### JONNY

Okay okay okay okay, this is a *light-hearted* horror show.

##### [BEN CACKLES]

Let's be careful with the imagery. And Americans? __Do not__ look up Mr Blobby.

#### BEN

Google Mr Blobby!

##### [SOMEONE STARTS UP A 'DO IT, DO IT!' CHANT IN THE BACKGROUND]

#### JONNY

Okay, so anyway, Freddie. You notice -- like, it's now your break. And you notice, uh, Liz from the admissions desk just standing off to one side, just scrolling her phone.

#### FREDDIE

Right. Uh, Liz, is it -- is it your break? Just because, you know that we're, uh, Mr Calcifer cares about the attention you pay, because I mean, *safety* violations --

#### LIZ

_[over Freddie]_ Uh, yeah, well, there's, there's a -- there's a guy. There. And I think, uh, Mr Calcifer probably wants to know about him.

#### FREDDIE

Oh, right!

#### LIZ

'Cause, uh, he said he's from the Health Board.

#### JONNY

She continues scrolling.

#### FREDDIE

Oh, oh, oh -- should I, should I talk to him? Have you told Mr Cal --

#### LIZ

_[indifferent]_ Yeah, I don't know where he is.

#### FREDDIE

Oh, okay, well I'll -- I'll go, I'll go help him, find him, yep. How about,

#### LIZ

Okay, cool.

#### FREDDIE

How about we do that. All right, uh, you -- you enjoy your break! But then as soon as it's over -- uh, you know --

#### LIZ

Yeah, no, I will.

#### FREDDIE

Because the, the queue is just backing up now, is the --

#### LIZ

_[evidently not listening]_ Oh, yeah, no no no, it's fine, I'm on it. I'm on it.

#### FREDDIE

Yeah, right, okay, you know, I -- I believe in you! You'll get a gold star this week, I'm sure, I'm sure, uh --

#### LIZ

Cool.

#### FREDDIE

Right, uh, what was it. Okay, so, over here,

#### LYDIA

Freddie comes into -- I suppose the entrance area. And again it's this kind of --

##### [SFX: ANGELIC CHOIR. LYDIA YODELS ALONG.]

Shining, just. Somehow, he doesn't oil himself? But somehow...

##### [CROSSTALK]

#### JONNY

Some people just --

#### LOWRI

Some people *sweat well.*

#### LYDIA

Yeah! Some people sweat well.

#### FREDDIE

Uh, uh, excuse me --

#### LYDIA

_[sadly]_ Freddie has gone up to just a random old man.

#### FREDDIE

Excuse me, um, are you -- are you the, the, the man that needs to see Mr Calcifer? I heard that there was, um,

#### OLD MAN

_[in a wheeze]_ I don't know who that is!

#### FREDDIE

-- an important official man. Oh! Oh, well, Mr Calcifer is very important. Um, I'm gonna be -- uh, he's a *very* good boss.

#### OLD MAN

My name is Algernon!

#### FREDDIE

_[while Lydia laughs out-of-character]_ Well, Algernon, that's good to know.

#### ALGERNON

I'm coming to this park for my joints, you know!

#### FREDDIE

Oh, right, that's -- that's very good. I would say there's this...

#### ALGERNON

The doctor recommended sliding down _[Jonny struggles for a second]_ terrifying water slides!

#### FREDDIE

Yeah, we're, uh, it's very, it's medicinal... here, it's very, very health-inducin', uh... 

#### GAVIN

*I* will be the judge of how health-inducing it is; I believe you're looking for *me.*

#### FREDDIE

_[stuttering]_ Oh, oh, uh, 

#### ALGERNON

Oh no! I didn't do it!

#### JONNY

Algernon starts to run.

##### [BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]

Very fast for an old man.

#### LYDIA(?)

Is this what did his joints in? Just --

#### JONNY

Fleeing from any official?

#### FREDDIE

Oh no -- uh, Mr, Mr Algernon, sir, please don't run! There's, uh, there's -- there's nothin' to be afraid of here!

#### ALGERNON

_[calling back]_ It's too late, I'm very far away now!

#### FREDDIE

Oh, no!

#### GAVIN

Running in the water park. Well that's, uh, a violation...

#### ALGERNON

_[over him]_ I'm running outside away from the water park! I'm running away from it!

#### GAVIN

Oh, water park is so scary that old men run away from it. Well, that's a violation.

##### [FREDDIE PROTESTS INAUDIBLY IN THE BACKGROUND]

#### ALGERNON

It's not important, I'm not an NPC that will recur!

#### FREDDIE

I, I think you just traumatized him, sir!

#### LOWRI

There's a, a figure -- a four-foot-eleven figure lurking in the shadows, clutching a mop, wearing -- you know, one of those house coats? Floral house coats.

#### LYDIA

Yes.

#### LOWRI

That's the uniform of Ms Pledge.

#### JONNY

That's amazing.

#### LOWRI

She's gonna pull Freddie to one side.

#### FREDDIE

Oh, Ms, Ms Pledge! Ms Pledge, uh, can I help you, ma'am?

#### MS PLEDGE

_[in an intense whisper]_ Yeah, boy, this is it, right? I think this is your big chance. 

##### [FREDDIE MAKES SHOCKED SOUNDS AS MS PLEDGE TALKS]

You see that man there? *Very important man.* He's going to have the power --

#### FREDDIE

_[gasps]_ The power!

#### MS PLEDGE

Yeah, the power to judge us and this park, and therefore *you* and the job you have done so far -- this is *it,* boy!

#### FREDDIE

Oh! Wow!

#### MS PLEDGE

_[voice trembling with emotion]_ This is time for your *graduation.*

#### FREDDIE

Oh good -- goodness! Mr, Mr Calcifer said that I might get full time,

#### MS PLEDGE

*Yeah!*

#### FREDDIE

If, uh,

#### MS PLEDGE

I know.

#### FREDDIE

Okay! Alright!

#### MS PLEDGE

I'm so proud of you. Baby, do you have a button? On your shirt? And treat that man well.

#### FREDDIE

Oh -- oh, no, I don't have any buttons on the, on the shirt. They just fall off, somehow, I don't know --

#### JONNY

Gavin, you -- your -- none of this is in any way subtle. You can hear every word.

#### BEN

Oh, I'm looking over my clipboard judgmentally at them.

#### FREDDIE

Right, well, I'd better go and -- and -- and live up to my destiny, then, uh, Ms Pledge!

#### MS PLEDGE

Boy, I'm behind you every step of the way. You leave that shirt with me later and I'll put some buttons on it for you, okay? Right.

#### FREDDIE

I mean, I do put buttons on but they just fall off -- I don't know.

#### MS PLEDGE

_[fond]_ I know, boy, I sweep them up daily.

#### BEN

_[snickering]_ Just popping off as you're eating your cereal.

#### LYDIA

The world just *objects.*

Freddie used to be _[inaudible]_ -- just that entertaining area of, like, how Gavin Crumble is actually taller than him, but still *somehow* Gavin feels like he's looking up at him and it's irritating. I don't know.

#### BEN

Yeah, I'm like -- I'm definitely taller, but, but I am definitely not as heavy.

#### LYDIA

_[as Freddie]_ Chunky muscles _[pronounced musk-culls]_. Muscles. Muh-skulls. Uh, just from all those picking stuff up and putting them down which I do, uh, different places different ways, uh, anyway --

#### FREDDIE

Uh, hello, um, uh, Mr, uh, sir, Mr, uh, _[continues stuttering over the next words]_ could I help you at all today, showin' you around our lovely facilities?

#### GAVIN

Yes, yes... I suppose getting one of the lower-level staff to show me around means that there's going to be, uh, no *shenanigans.*

#### FREDDIE

I actually work on one of the highest of our rides!

#### GAVIN

Uh, yes, that -- that's not what I *meant,* but uh, sure. Yes, if you could start the tour right now, that'll be very good.

#### FREDDIE

Oh! Right.

#### MS PLEDGE

_[whisper-shout]_ I believe in you, boy!

#### JONNY

Cut to a nearby balcony, where a thin figure -- thin fingers are clutched around binoculars that trace the path of Gavin Crumble, Freddie, and Ms Pledge as they enter the park.

#### LYDIA

I assume -- is Ms Pledge part of the group or is she kind of following behind --

#### LOWRI

Oh no, she's following.

#### LYDIA

-- just glowing with pride? I don't know.

#### LOWRI

Trying to be inconspicuous because she thinks she still hasn't been noticed by, um, Gavin Crumble.

#### JONNY

So, Gavin, do you have a specific place that you want to start with or are you just happy to let Freddie show you?

#### BEN

I, I would imagine, because -- surprise, surprise, I don't actually know how swimming pools keep their water not disgusting -- but I think there's probably a big room full of machines with regulators and readouts and stuff because people need to know this kind of stuff.

#### JONNY

Absolutely.

#### BEN

So I want to go there.

#### FREDDIE

Oh, you want to go to the chemical rooms! Yes, yes sir, uh, we can show you around the back. We've actually got several hub sites in which we clean, uh, the water. The water for the Hell Ri -- Hell Fall is done separately because that has to have the dye added. You don't want the other water to get dark, _[awkwardly laughing]_ 'cause that would be spooky! You don't want, like, the little kids to be spooked out when they're going around Splashy Splash-Land, or, or Fluttery Bye-Byes.

##### [SNICKERS FROM PLAYERS]

#### GAVIN

_[smoothly]_ Yes, and of course having opaque water means that it's very hard to see if somebody's in *distress,* which is, again, a mark. Right, let's -- yes, let's have a look at that, um, that Hell Ride water.

#### JONNY

Uh, Fluttery Bye-Byes is -- uh, you pass Fluttery Bye-Byes which is, it's for children only and it's largely because children are light enough that it sort of. Rather than going into the water it just sort of flings them out? Over this huge pool? And, like, it's meant to be that you can sort of "flap your wings like a butterfly" but actually there's just children tumbling through the air --

##### [SOMEONE MIMICS A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]

##### [SFX: WATER SPLASH]

#### JONNY

-- before landing in the water.

#### LYDIA

They've got, um -- the little rubber rings they're in have little colorful fluttery things.

#### LOWRI

Oh, wings.

#### LYDIA

So it's *very pretty* but it is...

#### JONNY

But it is -- the thing is, the fluttery things don't actually work as designed. They don't flap. What they do is change the airflow, so the children just --

#### LYDIA

They *tumble.*

#### JONNY

-- spin around gyroscopically --

#### LYDIA

Lots of screaming, lots of beautiful photos.

#### JONNY

Yeah, but that, like -- I mean, the kids love it. Probably. Mr Calcifer hasn't really checked.

#### FREDDIE

So as we go past there's, uh, screams of delight! You'll, you'll hear we've got lots of safety, around the park, just overflowin' with safety --

#### GAVIN

Oh, yes.

#### FREDDIE

but not overflowin', uh, staying-in-controlled-flow safety. There's uh, Fluttery Bye-Byes, and then we've got the Spinning Top -- which you'll see is for the younger teens, you know. The Log Flume, uh, which is a very slow -- there's no flumin' going on at all really, hah hah,

#### JONNY

There's no actual log! It's -- the log flume is just a sli -- it's just a slide.

#### LYDIA

It's just a ver --

#### JONNY

Just a normal slide.

#### LYDIA

It's, it's a very slow slide. It's the sort of one where you find it -- that people find themselves, like, pushing themselves along.

#### JONNY

It's advertised as a log flume because people love log flumes, but it's not actually a log flume.

#### FREDDIE

But that's -- that's for the, the more delicate of constitution, it goes slowly and gently. So -- you can actually, if you want to speed it up, walk along.

#### JONNY

So you arrive at the metal door that leads down the stairs into the pump room.

#### FREDDIE

So this is the, the, the...

#### JONNY

It says on the front, "CAUTION. KEEP OUT."

##### [BEAT]

"PUMPS."

#### LYDIA

Is it, is it -- we're not approaching twilight, are we, it's still quite long.

#### JONNY

Oh, it's like -- it's mid afternoon. It's mid afternoon.

#### LYDIA

I'm guessing this is around the back of the flume and so it's kind of shaded, there's trees planted around because we don't want this sort of thing to stand out too much.

#### JONNY

Of course not.

#### LYDIA

Anyone that's played *Planet Zoo* knows that we need to keep the people away from the equipment room, or they get sad.

#### FREDDIE

So it says "keep out" but that is for the public, obviously, I, uh...

#### LYDIA

Freddie waves his ID -- it's a picture of him. It looks like it was taken earlier this morning, like, he's wearing the *exact* same stuff, he's *exactly* as oiled, his hair's going in the same direction... it's quite spooky.

#### FREDDIE

Yeah, um, I will just, uh, swipe --

#### LYDIA

Swipes.

#### JONNY

The mechanical lock does not react.

#### FREDDIE

Oh, um...

#### MS PLEDGE

_[whisper-shout]_ Hey, boy! Boy! Use my pass!

#### FREDDIE

_[to Gavin]_ Give me one second -- oh, oh thank you --

#### LOWRI

_[over Freddie's stammering]_ I think I have decided that, um, Ms Pledge believes she's invisible to people she doesn't want to see her, so she thinks you can still take the credit for all of this.

#### MS PLEDGE

Yeah, give it a go, boy! You never know!

#### FREDDIE

Oh, thank you!

#### LYDIA

Uh, Freddie comes up and, and shows the pass again but --

#### JONNY

It is -- it is a *mechanical lock.* It is like. Both you and Ms Pledge *have keys.*

#### LYDIA

Oh! Okay, oh right, uh -- Freddie is panicking.

##### [LOWRI AWWW'S]

I suppose he's not realizing. Um, right, can I roll Himbo to, to just assume that whacking it with, whacking a mechanical lock with a pass actually makes it work?

#### JONNY

Yeah! Do it, do it, sure. You need a six.

#### LYDIA

I need a six, cool. _[pause]_ Oh, Freddie did not roll high. Freddie rolled a three.

#### JONNY

You're just sort of waving the pass in front of it when a thin voice comes from behind you.

##### [THIN CACKLE]

#### UNKNOWN

Do you need some help there, Freddie?

#### FREDDIE

Oh, Mr Calcifer!

#### MR CALCIFER

Yes.

##### [MR CALCIFER'S VOICE IS A REEDY WHISPER, LOW AND VERY OMINOUS.]

#### FREDDIE

_[genuinely touched]_ Oh! Um, I, oh thank you so much, sir! You always know when I need help, yes! He's *such* a good boss, Mr Crumble.

#### JONNY

His thin hand sort of reaches past you and unlocks the door and opens it.

#### MR CALCIFER

_[to Gavin]_ I'm sorry, we probably haven't been introduced.

#### FREDDIE

I'm Freddie!

#### MR CALCIFER

No, yes, I know -- hello, Freddie -- and hello, Mr... Crumble, was it?

#### GAVIN

Yes. Are you the owner of this... fine establishment?

##### [MR CALCIFER LAUGHS, A HIGH-PITCHED, STRETCHED-OUT CACKLE]

#### FREDDIE

That's how he says yes sometimes!

#### MR CALCIFER

Yes, yes, as much as one can... *own...* water. And what lurks within it.

#### GAVIN

I was more talking about the, the equipment that holds the, um, the water, and the --

#### MR CALCIFER

Oh yes, I do own the equipment and technically the land.

#### GAVIN

...Good.

#### MR CALCIFER

You are making a report to your superiors?

#### GAVIN

Yes.

#### MR CALCIFER

On the safety of the park.

#### GAVIN

Yes.

#### MR CALCIFER

Hmm...

#### GAVIN

Now if you don't mind, this -- fine young gentleman is showing me around.

#### MR CALCIFER

_[quickly]_ Excellent, excellent, I just, yes... Good good good. _[slower]_ You take as much time as you need.

#### GAVIN

I will.

#### MR CALCIFER

Just make -- make sure that you spend plenty of time looking into the Hell Dive. I think you'll find it most... *enlightening.*

#### FREDDIE

The, um, the Hell Dive is the deep part of the Hell Fall. It's, it's the scariest bit.

#### GAVIN

Right. Deep, opaque water.

#### MR CALCIFER

Oh, it's the Hell Fall; the Hell Fall. Dreadfully sorry, I always... _[delighted]_ I always get the name confused!

##### [MR CALCIFER LAUGHS, TERRIFYING AND HIGH-PITCHED; FREDDIE JOINS IN AWKWARDLY]

Enjoy yourself, Mr Crumble!

#### GAVIN

I will *not.*

#### JONNY

He sort of -- he's like, it is sort of walking, but he sort of glides away.

#### FREDDIE

Oh, that was, uh, that was a very -- that was him being particularly friendly, uh, Mr Crumble! You're very honored. _[in a whisper]_ I've not had that many long conversations with Mr Calcifer, he's a *very* busy man. _[back to normal]_ So I'll just, I'll show you through this door then!

#### JONNY

And the long -- like, the *weirdly* long staircase going down into the earth towards the pump room... _[darkly]_ falls away in front of you.

##### [BEAT]

#### BEN

As in, like, it stretches.

#### JONNY

Stretches, right, yeah --

#### LYDIA

Oh right, yeah, because i was like -- it's quite *early* in the *day* for --

##### [CROSSTALK]

#### JONNY

Yeah, no no no, it *stretches* away in front of you. And I'm probably going to call it there for this episode, before we descend into the pump rooms that are probably, definitely fine.

#### BEN

Yeah, it'll be totally normal.

##### [GENERAL AGREEING NOISES]

#### JONNY

Yeah, just a lovely day at a lovely water park... Slyde World. Bye!

#### ALL

Bye!