---
layout:          post
title:           "RQG011 - The Rackets"
date:            2015-08-12 11:00:00 -0400
episode_type:      episode
tags:            [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham, Ashen, Barret Racket]
voiced:          [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham, Ashen, Barret Racket]
categories:			"rqg"
podcasts: ["rqg"]
title_prefix:	"RQG"
prev_categories: ["rqg"]
prev_prefixes: ["RQG"]
prev_episode:   ['010']
prev_episode_num:		['010']
prev_episode_title:		["Eels and Dogs and Acid, Oh My!"]
next_categories: ["rqg"]
next_prefixes: ["RQG"]
next_episode:   ['012']
next_episode_num:		['012']
next_episode_title:		["Keeeeeesh"]
episode_title:   'The Rackets'
episode_number:  '011'
summary:         "Join Alex, James, Bryn, Ben and Lydia as they continue to play an extended Pathfinder Tabletop Roleplaying Campaign: Erasing the Line.<br/><br/>In this episode, Zolf says “what” a lot, Bertie has a brandy, Sasha has an unhappy reunion and Hamid gets an unwanted present.<br/><br/>This was quite a difficult one to edit so we hope you enjoy it! You are all worth the extra effort for spreading word so far and wide about our humble little Podcast. Your word of mouth winds keep our little podcasty boat afloat."
content_flags:   ["Combat", "kidnapping", "implied past child abuse", "emotional manipulation", "implied trauma", "unwanted/unexpected body transformation"]
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/rustyquillgaming/rqg-11-the-rackets
formats: 
    # DOCX: 
    # PDF: 
    # Google Doc: 
official:        true
wiki_url:        https://rqg.fandom.com/wiki/RQG_11_-_The_Rackets
---

##### [SHOW THEME -- INTRO] 

#### ALEX

Hello again, and welcome to episode 11 of the *Rusty Quill Gaming* podcast! We're here in London as always, and with me, again as always, I have:

#### JAMES

James Ross.

#### BRYN

Bryn Monroe.

#### BEN

Ben Meredith.

#### LYDIA

Lydia Nicholas.

#### ALEX

And you guys are playing? 

#### JAMES

Sir Bertrand "Bertie" MacGuffingham, unconscious sleeping man.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

Er, Hamid the halfling, *terrified* sorcerer. 

#### ALEX

Who has been acid-ed and is steaming. 

#### BRYN

"I'm fine," he lied. 

#### ALEX

"I'm fine," my foot!

##### [LYDIA MAKES UNCONVINCED NOISES]

#### BEN

Zolf, the dwarven cleric who right now is super deaf.

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

And Sasha, who isn't really that hurt, likes stabbing things and hasn't managed to do that very often. Silly Sasha.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### BEN

Children's book. "Silly Sasha."

##### [LAUGHTER]

"You've not stabbed *anyone* today!"

#### ALEX

So we will be jumping in to the middle of combat, but just to reiterate what has happened for any listeners that had to miss an episode, the party have been wandering around in Other London, investigating the bombers of Edison's house. Came upon the marketplace where all of the, where they *suspect* all of the weapons that were used by them have been sold... And then got ambushed by one of Sasha's old friends and a bunch of his cronies.

#### LYDIA

Mhm.

#### ALEX

Thankfully Sasha managed to scare off a couple of the dogs with a thunderstone, and Bertie managed to take one of them out before having a nap, so we're pretty much going to be picking up where we left off. Sasha has *just* seen the head one of them jump into one of those tents and is stocking up on what looked like reeeeally flammable bottles of things.

#### LYDIA

Yep, and I tried to throw a dagger, and I missed! 

#### ALEX

You'll get better, level one is level one. So, starting with: Hamid.

##### [THE NOISES OF PEOPLE JOSTLING AND SHOUTING FADES BACK IN]

#### BRYN

Right, so I'm still back-to-back with Zolf, desperately fighting for our lives. I can see directly in front of me the prone form of Bertie, one of our... 

#### JAMES

My best side, I think!

#### BRYN

One of our enemies laying damaged next to him, but then just behind them I've got another enemy and his dog. Um, I am still kind of shaky-handed, just about holding myself together, loading my crossbow to fire yet another bolt at the same guy. I won't be attacking the dog, unless he attacks me. 

#### LYDIA

Aw.

#### ALEX

Well, the dogs are smaller so they're harder to hit.

#### LYDIA

That's why, not because they're adorable. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

I definitely miss, rolling a 3. 

##### [GROANS FROM PLAYERS]

#### ALEX

Oh, yeah, that's a definite miss. _(mimics the noise of a fumbled shot)_ 

#### LYDIA

Shaky, shaky hands!

#### BEN

It seems our luck has not changed between episodes. 

##### [A FEW SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

The bolt flies past the man into one of the tents, through the material, and you just hear a *"Agh!"*

##### [A FEW NOW-HORRIFIED SNICKERS]

#### LYDIA

Oh no!

#### ALEX

Okay, and Zolf, you're up. 

#### BEN

Okay, so I'm still facing off with another -- also deafened by the thunderclap -- guy, and we have been swiping at each other trying to make something happen. So let's continue in this regard, and I'm going to take another jab at him with my trident.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

Sure. 

#### BEN

And I'm going to, maybe, on a 14, hit. 

#### ALEX

Is that 14 plus? 

#### BEN

No, it's 14 total. 

#### ALEX

Okay, let's have a check. 

#### LYDIA

_(hopeful)_ Oh, come on...

#### BEN

Come on, with the 13 AC. 

#### LYDIA

I'm sort of *liking* the missing --

#### ALEX

It's a no, it's a miss.

#### BEN

D'argh!

#### ALEX

It's a very close miss --

#### LYDIA

Because -- it's, it's, you guys are just performing a kind of weird ballet. 

#### BEN

We really are. 

#### ALEX

It's like Capoeira with swords. 

#### BEN

And a trident. 

#### ALEX

Oh, my mistake, I'm *so* sorry.

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

Okay, so... 

#### LYDIA

What does Scary McMan do?

#### ALEX

The guy you has been facing off against Zolf, he... _(laughing)_ yeah, he'll take that swing as well.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

17, 18. 

#### ALEX

And... he will miss!

##### [BURST OF LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

"Whee! Zing!"

#### ALEX

They're just stabbing around, no idea what's going on. 

#### BEN

My dice roll to hit was lower than his, so statistically, I will win this.

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

Eventually. 

#### BEN

Eventually. 

#### LYDIA

Of old age.

#### ALEX

Bertie is stable, unconscious, and snoring.

#### JAMES

Yeah, I'm having this dream where I'm falling and falling into my mother's face. Carry on.

##### [LAUGHTER]

I'm going to keep people updated with what's going on in Bertie's rich inner life. Please continue.

#### ALEX

Okay. The boss who had jumped into that tent, let's see if he notices that you missed. You could have just thrown right through without him seeing.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

No!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

He rolls a one! Okay.

#### ALEX

Okay, he has no idea that you're there.

#### LYDIA

Thank goodness.

#### ALEX

Your dagger went sailing past him, in one end of the tent, out the other end.

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

He has no idea what's going on. But instead, he is still stocking up. 

#### LYDIA

The cartoon of this! 

#### BEN

You're sort of just like, "That never happened..."

#### ALEX

So yeah, he has got a rucksack open like I said, and he is still just plucking vials and putting them in there. He then reaches up and grabs what looks like a bandolier, much like, again, the ones that the bombers were using. He's strapping it on himself. 

#### LYDIA

What is a bandolier? 

#### ALEX

It's like a big belt that you can wear, either on your waist or across your torso --

#### BRYN

For ammunition, usually.

#### ALEX

-- and it has lots and lots and lots of either pouches for ammunition or sort of sheaths, and it's the idea of throwing... 

#### BRYN

I think the one thing we can say has come out of this fight as positive: we've found the right tent.

##### [LAUGHTER]

Now we just need to survive to tell, to figure out what to do next. 

#### ALEX

But he's stocking up, certainly.

And yeah, that's his whole turn, is just him still stocking up because he's not aware that you've...

#### LYDIA

_(singing)_ "Every day I'm stockin' up, stockin' up..." Yep!

#### ALEX

Is that a Santa song?

#### LYDIA

No.

#### ALEX

Aw.

#### LYDIA

It's like "Hustlin'."

#### BEN

That is Everyday Santa.

#### ALEX

Oh, yeah, I'm such an idiot!

##### [LAUGHTER]

Okay, the guy with his dog... he is, I think, he's now getting his dog under control and is going to start moving back in again.

#### LYDIA

Oh no! 

#### ALEX

So 5, 10, 15, 20... 

#### BEN

Can I take my attack of opportunity? 

#### ALEX

...25, yep, Zolf gets an attack opportunity because he's entered within the 10 feet range. 

#### BEN

Yup.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Oooh! Ooh, ooh... 17!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

That's a hit.

##### [GROUP CHEERING]

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Four damage! 

#### ALEX

Four damage, yeah. Okay. Oh, goodness me, I'm dropping stuff everywhere. 

#### BEN

So as I notice him coming in, I'll fend the other guy off with my shield and kind of jab forwards and kick back and stab backwards. 

#### ALEX

All very nice, over Hamid's shoulder? 

#### BEN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

Very good. 

#### JAMES

Over his head. 

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

We are both quite short! 

#### JAMES

Which one do you think is shorter? 

#### BEN

Hamid. I am -- I wrote it down -- 4 foot 3. 

#### BRYN

I'm 3 foot 2!

#### ALL

Awwww!

#### BRYN

He's got a whole foot on me. 

##### [DELIGHTED CROSSTALK]

#### JAMES

Ha ha ha. 

#### BEN

I'm pretty sure the *exact* same noises happened the first time. 

#### LYDIA

You're size-ist, you've got a foot on me. We could make a crooked scale.

#### ALEX

The dog moves in on Hamid. 5, 10, 15, no attack opportunity for Zolf because he's used it, is flanking now -- Hamid -- and is going to go for the attack.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

##### [EVERYONE D'OHHHHHS]

#### ALEX

And gets a natural 1, again. Much like before the dog doesn't quite realise what's going on.

#### JAMES

It just sits down.

#### ALEX

And it's just a bit of a naff dog! I reckon it's the pup, it's the youngest one that's still learning the ropes and doesn't really know what it's doing.

#### LYDIA

It just sits, wags his tail and looks up, "yip!" 

#### ALEX

You say "look up." It's Hamid, it looks down!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

"I've found a man." "There you go, good boy, well done, mate."

#### BRYN

We stare at each other right in the eyes, level.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX

And Sasha, you're up. 

#### LYDIA

Okay, so I have a whole, in terms of stuff... one question. If I were to try and knock down this tent, given that my Strength is a minus-1, is that something that is any way plausible -- like, how strong is this tent?

#### ALEX

_(overlapping)_ Totally doable. Totally doable. Honestly, it looks more like someone put it up as an arbitrary sort of marking-out of the territory. You're underground, there's no rain -- there's the occasional drip -- there's no wind, so it's definitely not a particularly sturdy thing.

It is a very standard, almost gazebo structure -- you know, four vertical pole tents, meeting in a cross at the top. You could certainly hack down, you could...

#### LYDIA

I could, could I just pull a pole? 

#### ALEX

Yeah! 

#### LYDIA

I want this to collapse on his head. 

#### ALEX

Sure. I'd make it a standard action for you to effectively just yank one of the poles in the hopes that the whole thing falls down on him. 

#### LYDIA

Right, cool, that's what I'm going to do. What will I roll? 

#### ALEX

Go for it. Give me a... um... 

#### LYDIA

Is this, it's Acrobatics really! I've got Disable Device!

##### [LAUGHTER]

Is a tent a device? I've got a good bonus on that. 

#### ALEX

Let's say that you take a 5 foot step beside the counter so that you can just reach across and pull a tent pole. Don't go over it, go round it, because otherwise it's extra rolls. And now just give me a standard Strength roll.

#### LYDIA

_(inhales through teeth)_ I'm on a minus 1, guys. 

#### BEN

Hopefully a low AC, though. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Oh my God!

#### BEN

Wooooow.

#### ALEX

Not *that* low. 

#### LYDIA

Oh! I got a 1. 

#### BEN

What are the odds of three ones in a row? We're looking at astronomical. 

#### LYDIA

This is not, this is not right, you have dodged up these dice. 

#### ALEX

*I've* dodged up these dice?

#### BEN

_(faux-offended)_ *My* dice. You've dodged up *my* dice!

#### LYDIA

I got a one with a minus 1, does it collapse on *me?* 

#### JAMES

The answer to your question, Ben, is 1 in eight thousand, so. 

#### BEN

Not likely. 

#### JAMES

No. 

#### LYDIA

Do I accidentally set up an entire new tent?!

#### ALEX

So you reach out to pull the thing, you give a yank, don't notice one of the guide ropes, and manage to accidentally tie one of your hands up into it. 

#### LYDIA

Oh gosh. 

#### ALEX

You're going to need to take a move action to remove your hand from basically having been tied up in the guide ropes. 

#### LYDIA

Do I have that move action left? I've taken a 5-foot step. 

#### ALEX

You've had to take the 5-foot step, so you'll have to do it next round. 

#### LYDIA

Oh my gosh. 

#### ALEX

But you wouldn't have been able to reach the tent anyway without the step. 

#### JAMES

You've endured an attack of opportunity from the dread gazebo.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

All shall fear the gazebo. It followed you from Edison's garden.

#### LYDIA

We are bad rollers, guys. 

#### BEN

We are. 

#### ALEX

Hamid, you're up and you're flanked. 

#### BRYN

Hamid is genuinely starting to hyperventilate. 

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, this is, this is serious!

#### BRYN

He is panicking. He has more or less lost his mind. He is going to turn to this guy, forgetting he doesn't have a weapon -- he's going to start just trying to shove him away. 

#### ALEX

Sure. 

#### BRYN

Except his hands have turned into claws. 

#### ALEX

Nice. 

#### BRYN

He still hasn't noticed. 

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

Dun-dun-dun-dun!

#### ALEX

He's still just batting someone away, just with razor-sharp claws! 

#### BRYN

I get two attacks because these are natural weapons.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

I miss with both of them. 

#### BEN

Whoa, oh my God, is that another natural one?! 

#### BRYN

Another natural one! 

#### ALEX

Oh for goodness sake, people!

#### LYDIA

Another! That is, that's *insane.* 

#### BEN

That's ridiculous!

#### ALEX

Okay, so what I'll say is with a natural one in a...

#### BEN

"Oh, broken nail!" 

#### JAMES

That is... Now 1 in sixteen hundred thousand. 

#### BEN

Cool, we can make it, everyone. 

#### ALEX

So yeah, with a natural one, Bertie -- sorry, Hamid -- panicking, sort of bats out, sees that his claws are razor sharp, and goes, _(screaming)_ "Aaaggghhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaagh!" and basically completely flubs the second attack, because he's still too concerned about the fact that his hands have gone all dragony and clawy. 

#### BRYN

I wouldn't even recognise them as dragony at this point. 

#### ALEX

Sure. 

#### BRYN

They're just claws, and I'm slightly weirded out. 

##### [SNICKERING]

#### LYDIA

"Slightly"? 

#### BRYN

Well, I think I'm more afraid for my life. It's hard to focus on the fact that my hands have spontaneously turned into claws when I'm pretty certain I'm about to *die.*

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

"My hands are weird, but I'm going to deal with that later!" 

#### BRYN

Yeah!

#### ALEX

Zolf, you're up. 

#### BEN

I'm going to continue this -- incredible ballet. 

#### ALEX

This Dance of Death. 

#### BEN

Yes. I'm not going to move, because I could try a flank using Hamid, but that would open him up to a third person having access --

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ Oh God!

#### BEN

-- so I probably would ruin everything. So I'm going to make a stab.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

That's a 15. 

#### ALEX

A 15, is that in total?

#### BEN

Yes.

#### ALEX

You're going to hate me. 

#### BEN

Oh no. They've got blooming 16 AC, don't they? 

#### ALEX

Yes, they do. 

#### BEN

Ahhhh, this is the *worst.* 

#### ALEX

These are formidable people. 

#### BEN

*You're* formidable. That -- no, that's not an insult.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Thank you, thank you, Ben! Yes, I am formidable. 

#### BEN

You're a formidably bad person. There you go, turned it around.

#### ALEX

Okay, the guys are squaring off again... 

#### JAMES

Good save, good save, Ben. 

#### LYDIA

High five, minus-1 Charisma people!

##### [LYDIA AND BEN HIGH-FIVE]

#### ALEX

So the guy that you're squaring off against is nothing if persistent, and let's see how many misses we can go for, so he gives another attack.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Ooooh. what's your AC?

#### BEN

17\.

#### ALEX

No, it's a miss. 

#### LYDIA

Aaaggghhhh!

##### [LAUGHTER]

Listeners, we are *sorry.* We are *so* sorry. 

#### ALEX

Bertie continues to... 

#### JAMES

Bertie is having a dream where he's in the middle of an exam, but he's naked for some reason, but he's kind of fine with that.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

But Hamid's screaming two chairs across, he's really distracting. 

#### JAMES

Hamid is really, really really loud, and Hamid's desk has turned into claws?

##### [BRYN-AS-HAMID SCREAMS INCREDIBLY LOUDLY]

#### JAMES

Really weird!

#### ALEX

Okay, right, so the boss. 

#### LYDIA

Oh no. 

#### ALEX

The boss finally finishes. 

#### LYDIA

Does he notice my screw-up? My -- the one which actually a zero, because I rolled a natural one where I have a minus-1. 

#### ALEX

Well, let's see.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

No. 

#### LYDIA

Oh good, okay, he -- that was, he didn't roll a one, he rolled a five. 

#### BRYN

He has Bertie levels of perceptiveness. 

#### ALEX

He is not a perceptive guy. 

#### BEN

He has got his head stuck in the bag. 

#### ALEX

So yeah, he finally finishes loading up on stuff --

#### LYDIA

Oh no. 

#### ALEX

He closes the bag, puts it on his back, vaults over the counter at the far side to what Sasha is moving so that's one more square than that. Making an Acrobatics check...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Fail it, fail it, fail it... 

#### ALEX

...which, with his modifier... 

#### BEN

Fall over and explode, fall over and explode! 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, come on! Come on! 

#### ALEX

No. He is a very acrobatic guy! 

#### BEN

Boo! 

#### ALEX

He continues his move action, so that will be -- yep. And then reaches into the bag and draws out a flask in each hand. 

#### BEN

For anyone who can't see, I'm now glaring at Alex. 

#### ALEX

He draws a flask from each hand. Okay. 

#### LYDIA

*In* each hand? 

#### ALEX

Sorry, not "from." 

##### [CROSSTALK]

#### JAMES

"Ta da!"

#### LYDIA

"My hands have become flasks! Ahhhhhh!"

#### BEN

He's a sorcerer but his lineage is grenades.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Okay, so Hamid -- oh no, what I am saying, sorry. It's not Hamid, it is one of the men that is flanking Hamid, I believe. 

#### LYDIA

Oh, God.

#### BEN

Everyone is so flanked right now. 

#### LYDIA

I'm flanked by a tent! 

#### ALEX

You know what? The one who is flanking Hamid sees the claws, and I'm going to give him --

##### [DICE ROLLS]

He is visibly disturbed by the claws.

#### BRYN

Him and me both, my friends, him and me both. 

#### ALEX

He makes an attack but it is very much a "go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away" -- he has kind of lost that vicious bent.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

A bit more panicky. 

#### ALEX

Ooh, but he does hit. 

#### LYDIA

Critical. 

#### ALEX

He threatens a critical, in fact. 

#### BEN

This is not good. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

He does not confirm the critical, but he does hit, dealing... let's have a look. 

#### BEN

One damage? 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

##### [EVERYONE MAKES NOISES OF SOFT HORROR]

#### ALEX

Ooh, wait for it. 

#### BEN

You have betrayed me, dice. 

#### ALEX

Six in total. 

#### BEN

Oh no, Hamid's down! 

#### LYDIA

Oh, he is, he is down. 

#### BRYN

Hamid falls over. His hands turn back into hands.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

Poor Hamid!

#### BEN

So there is an upside. Silver lining!

#### LYDIA

The dog is not eating him, is it? 

#### ALEX

The dog, it's not the dog's go yet. 

#### BEN

Why would you *say* that? 

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Now it's the dog's go. The dog holds its action, awaiting a command from its master as to what to do, given that someone has just joined it and has just kind of cosied up and fallen asleep in front of him. 

#### BEN & LYDIA

Aww.

#### BRYN

Chew toy! 

#### LYDIA

Tail wagging! 

#### BRYN

Squeak squeak, squeak squeak!

#### ALEX

Okay. Sasha, you're up, and you're currently tied to a... 

#### LYDIA

I untangle my arm. 

#### ALEX

Okay, you use one move action to remove your arm. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. I, I shout --

#### SASHA

Don't throw it, we give up!

#### LYDIA

At the boss who I know. 

#### BEN

That was very impressive, I was actually phrasing the way to surrender.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

I was like, "I really hope Sasha doesn't do anything to further antagonise -- oh no, good, good."

#### SASHA

Don't, don't hurt them. I give up. I mean, we give up. 

#### ZOLF

I surrender as well!

#### SASHA

Yeah, we're very surrendering! Very. 

#### ZOLF

Look, I'm putting it down.

#### BEN

I kind of start lowering my shield just in case they try to stab me some more. 

#### ALEX

Okay, the one who's... 

#### LYDIA

Lower your *trident,* not your shield! 

#### BEN

Shield and trident, shield and trident.

#### ALEX

So, yeah, the guy who is dual wielding just says,

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Drop the weapon, Sasha and... _(disdainfully)_ pals. 

##### [JAMES-AS-BERTIE SNORES LOUDLY]

#### BEN

I do what you say, drop the weapon and the shield. 

#### LYDIA

I drop the dagger that I am holding. 

#### ALEX

Okay. 

#### LYDIA

Hmm, down to four. 

#### BEN

I will also just, um, as I drop the weapons, just kind of sort of grab hold of my pendant, sort of in a comfort way, and start muttering. And when my turn comes around, if we're still in combat technically, Cure Light Wounds on myself.

##### [SFX: THE NOISES OF PEOPLE CHATTERING IN THE MARKETPLACE START FADING IN AGAIN]

#### ALEX

Okay, so the guy sees that you've dropped them, he'll then go --

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Kick their weapons away.

#### ALEX

The one who was just flanking Hamid, *very* cautiously around Zolf, joins his friend, and they just pull your sword and trident away. 

#### BEN

While they do that I will want to use that to surreptitiously... 

#### ALEX

Yeah, that's fine, you can do it then. So give yourself your cure. 

#### BEN

Yes. How do we do spell failure, do I just roll a D10 and then...? 

#### BRYN

Yep.

#### ALEX

Yep, it's just a flat percentage chance, and it's a 20% chance of failure because of the deafness. 

#### BEN

Oh, actually, I need to roll a percentile, I guess?

#### ALEX

Also, I'm going to go ahead and say that you didn't hear him say "put your weapons down." You're doing this of your own, because you're *deaf,* my friend. Completely... 

#### BRYN

Mm.

#### BEN

Ohhhh, I forgot!

#### ALEX

...completely deaf. 

#### BEN

Yes, okay. 

#### BRYN

These guys are also deaf so won't have heard the instruction to kick. 

#### LYDIA

Ohhh.

#### BEN

Oooh, very good point!

#### LYDIA

Oh no. 

#### ALEX

True! Thankfully what he's doing is he has seen that the fight has stopped, the one who has freaked out by you is still going to carry on doing because he sees someone putting their weapons down. But that's a very good point. _(laughing, unconvincingly:)_ This isn't me backtracking and really carefully covering my tracks. 

#### BEN

_(poshly)_ We've all inferred from the situation.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

I would say they will always be --

#### BRYN

You failed. 

#### LYDIA

And those two henchman will always be very aware of what their boss is doing. 

#### ALEX

Oh, of course. 

#### LYDIA

He's so, if he's... 

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

I mean, the one that knocked Hamid down is quite frankly openly scared. One of them -- let's see, there was Bertie who just took out one of his friends instantly, another one of you launched something which terrified the dogs and made the other one not particularly effective as far as he can tell, and one of you has turned into a dragon-handed monstrosity briefly. He, yeah, he's visibly scared, and has been checking to see if his boss is watching. 

#### BEN

Luckily they hopefully don't know that I'm a cleric because I haven't done anything clerical.

#### ALEX

Right. Yeah, so they come over and they just pull your stuff away, and they don't try and wield it or anything.

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Sasha, do come out where I can see you.

#### LYDIA

So I step away from the tent but the mass of bodies are still between me and...

#### ALEX

Sure. 

#### LYDIA

...and Mr Boss Man. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

Hamid stops bleeding. 

#### ALEX

Okay. 

#### LYDIA

Yay! 

#### BRYN

That was a Fort save.

#### BEN

Just a little bit of self-maintenance thing. 

#### BRYN

Yup.

#### SASHA

Just let me look after these guys, right, just let -- let me check on them. 

#### ALEX

Okay. As you're saying that, all of the stall holders, by the way, and the people who are around, proceed to start putting their swords back underneath the counter -- this is not the first fight they've seen here.

#### LYDIA

Not today! 

#### ALEX

The eel seller pokes his head out from his large cauldron. It's not a fired cauldron, it's just a wet cauldron. Pokes himself out from that, sees that his thing is on fire, climbs out and starts, you know, pouring brine over the fire.

#### LYDIA

Just slapping it with eels!

##### [LAUGHTER]

"Special barbecued eels, everyone!" 

#### BEN

So I'm thinking my next character is definitely going to be an eel ranger.

#### ALEX

I believe the term is eel wrangler. 

#### BEN

An eel wrangler, yeah. 

#### LYDIA

Can you got -- not -- get Summon Eel at some point from your Poseidon? 

#### BEN

Actually, I think I can already summon an eel.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### LYDIA

Just chose not to!

#### ALEX

So yeah, the boss --

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

_(smug)_ Oh, Sasha. Well, what a shame. You do keep tending to muck things up, don't you, Sasha?

#### SASHA

I managed to, I managed to get out of... no, yeah. Yeah, no, I didn't manage much. 

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Alright. You and your club-footed friend there can grab your mates, and you're going to be coming with us.

#### ZOLF

_(louder)_ What's he saying?

#### LYDIA

I walk over. 

#### ZOLF

My, my -- I can't hear anything. 

#### LYDIA

I come over to you, hold your shoulder, sort of tap at your cleric thing, and gesture at the others -- the people on the floor. 

#### ZOLF

What -- oh, yeah, no, I'll get on that. Am I okay to do that, is that okay?

#### SASHA

Yeah, he said yeah. 

#### ZOLF

Good. 

#### SASHA

And look after them. 

#### ALEX

Meanwhile the two people that were basically taking out some of the party come back over to the boss. They are all keeping an eye on you guys, but you definitely overhear the conversation of, "No, grab the ones that are down -- _(louder)_ grab the ones --" Starts gesturing because obviously they've got Deafened and all that kind of thing, but it looks like he is telling them to pick up his guys as well. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

#### BEN

Yeah, I'll walk over to both Hamid and Bertie and make sure that they are stabilised, which they've done so themselves... 

#### ALEX

They are. 

#### BRYN

Mhm.

#### BEN

...my Heal can't do anything else. Or could it--? 

#### ALEX

Your normal Heal check can't. 

#### BEN

Yeah, I can't. 

#### ALEX

If you were to do a Cure Light Wound, you could get them up and going...

#### BEN

After that last spell failed, I was like, "Oh, something has gone wrong," because I couldn't hear myself talking. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah. 

#### BEN

I'm going to wait, and instead of wasting all my spells -- it's only an hour so. 

#### ALEX

Okay. One of the guys picks up his friend and takes position by the boss. The boss dual-wielding these oil flasks sort of comes around, gestures to you --

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Right. You, and your friends, you're going to go where I tell you.

#### ALEX

And he gestures towards the alleyway that he had been looking out from, that you initially saw him from. 

#### SASHA

Well, I came, I came because they -- so there were some guys came up to, to, to, you know, Upper London, and they said to come down, that -- you know, that Barret wanted to say hi, about Brock. 

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

_(overlapping)_ Sasha, Sasha. You seem to be under the idea that I care. 

##### [BEAT]

#### SASHA

I mean, I'm doing what he wanted, right, so... 

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

You -- walk. Your stumpy little friend -- walk. 

#### BEN

Who is still working on... and not hearing this!

#### LYDIA

I grab you by the shoulder.

#### ZOLF

What, what, what?

#### LYDIA

Finger to the lips and slump like a broken thing, and slump towards the alleyway that we were going down.

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

You have an appointment, Sasha. Alright? 

#### BEN

I will get up and fall back over, and go --

#### ZOLF

I need something to walk with.

#### LYDIA

Ohhh.

#### BEN

I try and get back up again, fake-fall over again. 

#### ALEX

I'm going to get the boss to do a Sense Motive on your enormous bluff there. You may want to do a Bluff roll.

#### BEN

I probably should do a Bluff check, yeah.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

Ooh, he's *not* very good. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Still a nice -- Four! 

#### ALEX

Four total? 

#### BEN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

He beats you with a five!

##### [LAUGHTER]

So there's you going, _(unconvincingly)_ "Ohhh, noooo, I'm falling over," and he's just going... 

#### BEN

"It's a good deception... but I *think*..."

#### ALEX

"What a clever ruse, I am such an intelligent and charismatic man."

#### BEN

"Oh no, I have fallen and I cannot get up!" 

#### ALEX

He just raises an eyebrow at you and goes,

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

If you'd like I could cut off his other leg so he's nice and balanced?

#### SASHA

Don't, don't, don't, don't -- don't mess with them. 

#### ZOLF

What? 

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### LYDIA

I try and communicate with my eyes, but I don't really have a very expressive face, so.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Right. Move. 

#### ZOLF

Alright, fair enough. 

#### LYDIA

Agh, expressions everywhere. Expressions of panic, fear, terror, dread. 

#### ALEX

So presumably you all start moving off? 

#### LYDIA

Bit of confusion.

#### BEN & LYDIA

Yes. 

#### ALEX

Okay. You start heading off down that alleyway, and it becomes quickly apparent that you're moving from the marketplaces to, frankly, a more run-down area.

##### [NOISES OF PEOPLE TALKING BECOME FAINTER]

##### [THE SOUNDS OF TRICKLING WATER AND CHILDREN CRYING COME IN]

It starts to slope downhill, and as it does, it starts to feel a bit damper.

#### LYDIA

And sadder. 

#### ALEX

It does. Sadder is a good word to describe it. You start seeing some people who are kind of making do with the buildings that have been more destroyed, you know, it starts feeling a bit more like a slum and a bit less like a reclaimed city.

You keep heading down. As you do the guys who are walking behind you stay very, very quiet, keeping an eye on the boss. The boss has got the most insufferable sneer on. The *most* insufferable sneer -- Christmas came early and it was his birthday!

#### JAMES

_(as Bertie)_ He's Jesus?! 

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

_(as Sasha)_ No. No, Bertie, he is not. 

#### JAMES

I'm still unconscious, so... 

#### LYDIA

Yep. It's hard to tell the difference, honestly.

##### [JAMES SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

So, walking along, yeah, it starts deteriorating. You go down a couple of left turns, a couple of right turns. And you come to another sort of staircase, this one leading down into what looks like a lower level again. 

#### SASHA

I told you, I told you we shouldn't come here. I've *told* you, like -- why are we here?

#### ZOLF

_(loud)_ What?

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

Yeah. I'm mostly talking because I know you can't hear, so the idea that you've actually responded is even more terrifying than...

#### SASHA

Oh, nothing, nothing.

#### BEN

I can see your mouth working.

#### ZOLF

I can't hear you, I can't --

#### ALEX

At this point Hamid and Bertie start to come to on the backs of these guys... 

#### LYDIA

Wait, which one of us is carrying Bertie?

#### BEN

I'm not. 

#### JAMES

_(simultaneously)_ Zolf, presumably. 

#### BEN

No, goodness no! 

#### LYDIA

Neither of us. 

#### ALEX

What we'll say is that one of the guys who was free is dragging him and you are helping.

#### BEN

Oh, okay, yeah, sure. That makes sense.

#### LYDIA

I think two of them, like he is a big...

#### BEN

I'm not weak. 

#### LYDIA

I can carry Hamid. 

#### ALEX

It's a dragging weight. It's not over the shoulders, it is literally a *kchhhh...* _(makes scraping noise)_ You know, his head, donk, donk, donk, donk. 

#### LYDIA

Oh, his poor armour. 

#### BEN

Poor armour, yeah. 

#### ALEX

Donk, donk. 

#### JAMES

_(as Bertie)_ Arrrrgh! 

#### ALEX

Okay. You both come to at one hit point each and feel terrible.

#### BRYN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

Bertie, you come to because your head bounces off a particularly large flagstone. Dink, dink, dink, *dink!* 

#### JAMES

Are you absolutely sure that I *notice* my head impacted? 

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ I didn't say you noticed it, I just said you woke up!

#### JAMES

Yeah. Right, fair enough. 

#### ALEX

Hamid, yeah, you come to sort of across Sasha's shoulders, and, yeah, you have -- one of the men is basically tugging Bertie, the other one is back with his boss with one of his mates over his shoulder, still holding a sword, and the boss is dual-wielding still those oil flasks threateningly. 

#### SASHA

Yeah. _(quietly)_ I'm sorry, Hamid. This isn't the sort of place for the likes of you. 

#### HAMID

Owwwww.

#### ALEX

Down the stairs. 

#### HAMID

_(rasping)_ Where are they taking us?

#### SASHA

Further down is more of this. Just gets worse and worse. It's, er...

I mean it's not, it's not a nice place -- I *tried* to warn you all, I tried and no one ever, no one listens, do they? No, so. 

#### BERTIE

Ugh. Ugh. Can we order room service? Urghhhh.

#### SASHA

_(muttering to herself)_ You guys are not going to like it down here. Did you like the eel? No. See? 

#### ZOLF

_(loud)_ What?

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Okay, so we'll skip ahead and -- because it's lots more of whats and muttering and room service and *sadness,* just sadness, from Hamid.

##### [NOISES OF PEOPLE CUT OUT]

You guys carry on heading down, and you start entering areas which are still run-down, but there don't seem to be many people anymore. And given how crowded the sort of damper area that you were going through before was, you'd have expected there to be more people.

Sasha, of course, knowing this area, knows very well that she is entering effectively the contested territories of the underground gangs, so it's no surprise to you that there's no one here. 

#### LYDIA

Well, no one visible. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. No man's land is no man's land, even if it is underground.

#### LYDIA

Yeah. You know, someone like me knows the cracks in the building so you can see the eyes of the scavenging kids dashing about, but there's, no one's -- so like, automatically, I check my pockets. 

#### ALEX

So as you continue down... Sasha, you start approaching a large building that you recognise, very much so, as being a rather large, rather important building that you'd rather stay away from.

#### LYDIA

Yep.

#### ALEX

And with that, we're going to take a break, and we'll come back in a couple of minutes!

---

##### [BREAK]

---

#### ALEX

And welcome back. Yeah, so you're approaching a large building. To everyone who is conscious and isn't Sasha, it looks like you're approaching what once was some kind of town hall. Probably not like *the* central town hall of London or anything, but certainly large, again, columns. It actually seems in good repair.

Everything around it is almost crumbled. It's very clear that people have been brought down here to fix it up, and I don't mean sort of corrugated iron, I mean there have been *masons* here. The stone walls are back up. There is a fence -- so they have columns out front like you'd expect, like an overhang from the upper floor, and they have fencing rigged up between those columns. There is a metallic gate in the middle so that you'd have to pass through the fence and the gate before you can even get to the front doors, which are large and oak -- they seem to be the original doors.

There are a couple of guys, both with dogs, on either side, and they see you coming. The boss of the people that was fighting you just calls ahead.

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Strip them down, send them in, you know what to do. 

#### LYDIA

I stop in front of the front gates. 

#### ALEX

The guards, each of whom has a bull mastiff, that makes the ones that you were dealing with clearly lower down the pecking order. 

#### LYDIA

I stop. I will *not* go towards them -- everyone bangs into me, I'm guessing. Like, I do not want to go forwards --

#### ALEX

Sure, sure. 

#### LYDIA

-- into this front door. I have no strategy, I just do not move forwards for at least a moment. 

#### BEN

To clarify, have I got my hearing back, or is it still within the hour? 

#### ALEX

Your hearing is juuuust sort of coming back. Any muttered conversation, anything like that, you're not going to have.

Bertie and Hamid, you're still at the one hit point, but you would have been able to sort of start staggering along if you choose. 

#### LYDIA

I stop. I do not want to go through those doors. 

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

_(arched eyebrow)_ Sasha, do we have a problem? 

#### SASHA

Is there -- I mean, Barret wanted me to come and talk, so why -- I mean, he could come out here, like, and...

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

I'm sorry, *Barret* could come out here to meet little old you?

#### SASHA

Well, maybe I could just -- maybe if it's not that important then we could just go! Like, these guys, they're from Upper London, Ashen, they don't -- they've got no business here.

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Really, I had no idea!

#### ALEX

Sort of tapping on the golden filigree of Bertie. 

#### BERTIE

I say, do you mind? 

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

No, not really, no.

#### SASHA

Shut up, Bertie. 

#### BERTIE

Ugh, brrm... _(disgruntled muttering)_

#### SASHA

This is not the place.

Like, I told them not to come, they're just *stupid,* okay. They're not problems for you, they're not involved in any of your argum... your territory stuff. You know -- just take the cash and we will leave, and there will be no problems -- like, people will look for these guys, right, people *care* about them! 

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Well. 

#### ZOLF

It's true, we will have people come and look for us. 

#### SASHA

Yeah, like he's mates with... 

#### BERTIE

Who are you calling stupid?

#### SASHA

He -- They've got friends, right, it will be more trouble for you to keep them here. Just let them go. 

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Right, okay, if that's enough. Alright, okay? Right, right, we all good, yeah?

Right. You're *my* catch, Sasha, mine. It's about time that I managed to bring you back, right? So what's going to happen: you're going to go in, your friends are going to go in, everyone's going to have a lovely little tête-à-tête, right, and then I'm sure that things will work themselves out, yeah? And the difference is, I'd rather send you in there without a burn on your face but I'm quite happy to do it, Sasha. Quite happy.

#### ALEX

As part of this commotion happens, there's a balcony up above the main entrance and a couple of bay doors open, and, Sasha, you recognise the comparatively well-dressed man who comes out.

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

#### ALEX

For the rest of you, he is, he's older. In fact, you realise that a lot of the people that you've been seeing around Other London are comparatively younger -- you've not seen anyone bordering on the elderly. This guy is sort of pushing 50, and he has got a grey beard. He's not -- he's well-kept, not Hamid-style of obsession about appearance, but certainly he's well put together.

He steps up to the balcony and just leans across. He's not austerely dressed but very plainly dressed. Well-dressed but very plain. Maybe with a larger cloak around his shoulders just for the look of the thing, but there's no gold, there's no rings, there's nothing particularly of worth on him.

However, he leans across, sees what is happening.

#### SASHA

_(quietly)_ We should not be here.

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Ashen. Do we have a problem?

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

-- No, sir, no, no, _(laughs nervously)_ it's fine. It's fine.

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Sasha. Do come in. I won't have you harmed or your, mmm... friends.

##### [SASHA INHALES, EXHALES]

#### ALEX

And then he literally just steps back, closes the doors and heads inside. 

#### SASHA

Alright, I guess. 

#### ZOLF

Looks about as safe as it's going to get. 

#### SASHA

This is not safe. 

#### HAMID

I think we should just do what they tell us.

#### BRYN

I still look a bit terrified and I'm clearly quite, er, demoralised. 

#### ALEX

Sure.

#### SASHA

You guys have no idea.

#### LYDIA

I step forward through the gate. 

#### ALEX

Yeah. The guards start patting you down for daggers and so on. Do you want to do any sleight of hand, to hide stuff you're holding? 

#### LYDIA

Yes! I would like to try and hide at least one dagger. 

#### ALEX

Mhm. It would be a separate check for each. 

#### LYDIA

Okay, well, I'll try and hide as many daggers as I can!

#### ALEX

Do you have one in a spring sheath, unused? 

#### LYDIA

Yes. One of them.

#### ALEX

That you get a bonus to hide, so I'd recommend trying to hide that one. 

#### LYDIA

Right, yes, because I used one of the spring things to throw and then the other one -- yeah, cool. So what do I have to do? 

#### ALEX

Just roll a Sleight of Hand check. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. I get 7 on that, bonus on that, so...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

The first one: 18 plus 7. 

#### ALEX

Plus the bonus that you get for the wrist sheath. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

Yep. They start patting you down, they pluck a couple of other things from you like the thunderstone... not the thunderstone, sorry -- the oil flask, things like that. I should roll a check but honestly I don't... 

#### LYDIA

I should roll for the other daggers, or? 

#### ALEX

If you want to, but I'd bear in mind that if they find one that's hidden that you're trying to hide, they're going to assume you're hiding others. 

#### LYDIA

Okay, I'll let them take the other ones. 

#### ALEX

Yeah. I'm going to check on the off chance that they could but I think they'd have to roll...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Yeah, they'd have to roll incredibly high to beat your sleight of hand, so they --

#### LYDIA

*Now* I get the rules!

##### [LAUGHTER]

Like, for goodness' sake!

#### ALEX

So they pat you down, they take the items that were readily apparent, they put them in sort of a coat, take your jacket off you and put it in there, and they just hold it, the jacket with all of the stuff. They just... 

#### LYDIA

If they take my jacket then my wrist sheath is just sitting there on my wrist, but I'm *that* good.

#### JAMES

Are you wearing a shirt or something? 

#### LYDIA

Oh, yeah, I guess. 

#### BEN

If it's a sleight of hand it has probably tucked it under the shirt, you are working to keep it hidden. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, cool.

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah. So they dump that to the side and gesture inside. They then proceed to -- they don't even ask Zolf, they take the trident and shield that have already been handed over. 

#### BEN

Yeah, I wasn't holding them, I dropped them. 

#### ALEX

Have you got any other weapons on you? 

#### BEN

Yeah, I've got a mace. 

#### ALEX

So yeah, they will -- obviously they'll be taking the mace. 

#### LYDIA

_(laughing)_ You can try and sleight-of-hand the mace... 

#### BEN

"Oh, this? No, no." 

#### LYDIA

...ram it up your sleeve. 

#### BEN

"I'm pregnant."

##### [LAUGHTER]

"With a *mace!*" "Ahhhh!"

#### ALEX

They dump that on the side. Hamid? 

#### BRYN

I'm carrying a crossbow, a bunch of bolts, two daggers, and about a hundred gold pieces.

#### LYDIA

_(wincing)_ Ooh.

#### BRYN

And a healing potion.

#### ALEX

They'll put all of that in the pile. Again you see a couple of other people draw near, and Ashen's like,

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

Oh no, oh no. None of that, lads, none of that.

#### ALEX

Bertie?

#### JAMES

Right. So I've got sword, armour, two swords, because I've got my bastard sword and my rapier. 

#### ALEX

So you've got the rapier for the formal occasions? 

#### JAMES

Yeah. As far as I'm aware Bertie doesn't have a gag reflex but there's nothing on my character sheet to suggest that, so I can't conceal either of those things about me anyway.

#### ALEX

Sure. As Bertie steps up, the two guards with their dogs literally draw weapons and ready them around you. Two more guys who are on the doors gesture to people inside and two other guys come out, so there's at least four people around you as you're stood there in your full plate armour, obviously drawing to hand over a bastard sword or something. And they are all, *every* single person is ready. There's two archers up on the balustrades as well, both of which with crossbows aimed at you. 

#### SASHA

_(quietly)_ No trouble, Bertie, just give it up. 

#### BERTIE

Well, really. I've never been so outrageously treated in all of my life! Look at you, bruuugh. Urgh! Urrrrgh! 

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### SASHA

Look, he's just stupid, he's not trying to -- 

#### BERTIE

Who are you calling stupid?!

#### SASHA

You, Bertie, to save your life!

#### BERTIE

Urgh.

##### [LAUGHTER]

Really!

#### ALEX

Presumably this is happening as you're taking stuff off and handing it over...?

#### JAMES

Yeah. Complaining. 

#### HAMID

Come on, Bertie, it will be okay. 

#### BERTIE

Nooooo.

#### BRYN

I put a reassuring hand on your, um... 

#### BEN

Thigh... 

#### BRYN

...knee, I guess.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Oh, I have my potion for Cure Light Wounds I haven't done anything with. 

#### LYDIA

I'm guessing they -- do they take everything of value or only dangerous...? 

#### ALEX

They'll be taking that off you as well. 

#### BEN

Actually, that's a point... 

#### JAMES

And my gold. 

#### BEN

While they're taking stuff off, as they take the potion, I'm like,

#### ZOLF

Do you mind? I'm sure your boss wouldn't want us to be looking all scruffy when we meet him. 

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

I'm also sure he wouldn't want you to sprout wings and spit fire from your... No!

#### ZOLF

Do I really look like the kind of person who's going to have a potion that would do that?

#### ALEX (ASHEN)

I'm sorry, your dragony friend over here, or... what, what *are* you? 

#### HAMID

Um, what? Me? 

#### ZOLF

He's a halfling. 

#### HAMID

I'm just an ordinary halfling. 

#### SASHA

He's just a...

#### BRYN

I give a very worried smile.

##### [LAUGHTER]

I can bluff really well, I'm kind of too freaked out to do so right now.

#### ALEX

Sure. The guys just snatch that Cure Light Wounds from you and from Bertie as well.

#### ZOLF

Suit yourself. 

#### ALEX

Dump it all themselves, and then gesture for you to head inside. Presumably you do so, again? 

#### BEN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

You head inside, and suddenly it's almost like you were in Upper London, in somewhere that Bertie would feel almost accustomed to. 

#### BERTIE

Oh, this is much better.

#### SASHA

It's not.

#### BERTIE

Where's *your* room? 

#### SASHA

Down in the basement again, probably. 

#### ALEX

Yeah. There's tapestries, carpeting, some stairs. You head up to the stairs and it's very clear that you're being led straight to the, whatever room the guy who looked out over the balcony was. And they gesture to some very, very worn-looking sort of walnut-panelled doors. It's not gold on the door handles, but it's certainly, like, faux.

#### ZOLF

I've got to say, I think it could be, it could have turned out a lot worse than it did, so...

#### SASHA

You think it could turn out worse than this? 

#### ZOLF

Yes!

#### SASHA

Do you know who these guys are?

#### ZOLF

They're probably criminals of some form. -- You realise that I've been a little bit round the world and seen some of the worst pirates around, so let's stop this whole, "oh, you don't know what you're getting into."

#### SASHA

Alright, okay.

#### ZOLF

_(intensely)_ Mercenary for a reason. Okay?

#### BERTIE

I thought we'd been taken prisoner by poor people, so this is much better.

#### ALEX

At which point, you know, the door opens from the inside. There is what looks to be a butler who is opening the door. He just, he gestures into the room.

##### [SOFT TINKLING MUSIC FADES IN]

It's a large office -- again, very, very opulently -- not golden, but it's like -- again, it has that sort of austere quality that the man who was looking out on the balcony had. 

#### JAMES

Good quality, well-maintained. 

#### ALEX

Good quality, well-maintained, no frippery. There's no gilding anywhere. There's a bookcase on one side, very well-maintained -- some of the books are a little bit tatty, but they look tatty with use, not miscare. There's a *very* large desk at the opposite end. 

#### BRYN

What are the books on? 

#### ALEX

Give me a Perception check. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

19, 26. 

#### ALEX

Pretty much everything. Like it's a really, *really* eclectic collection. There's definitely a couple of magical books in there. Also, there's something on engineering, the mechanics of the lightning railway... 

#### BRYN

I got 25, sorry. 

#### ALEX

Oh, you're still more than high enough. Stuff to do with, there's a couple to do with healing, mundane healing -- like it's a really, really eclectic collection. 

#### BRYN

I just, you know, if I wanted to start a conversation later on an appropriate topic, I could pluck something from one of the books to discuss. 

#### ALEX

I'm going to be honest, pick a topic. Like I said, they look well-read. Whoever has been reading these knows quite a lot about quite a lot of things. 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

On the far side, there's a very small drinks cabinet with, you know, even without a Perception roll Bertie recognises there's a couple of decent wines and some brandy in there, a personal favourite. And, yeah, there's the large desk behind which is sat that man.

Let's call him. Up close, he seems about 50 years old. He seems very calm, almost, um, gentle -- like he's not, he doesn't seem to be frowning or anything, and he doesn't seem to be putting anything on, just very calm. Very, very, very sedate.

There's a door off to the opposite side of the bookcase which is slightly ajar. But, yeah, there's two chairs opposite the desk and obviously there's space for all of you, it's quite a large office.

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Do come in, Sasha and... friends, shall we say?

#### JAMES

Bertie immediately moves and takes one of the seats. 

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Mm.

#### LYDIA

I sit down. 

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Very nice.

#### BEN

Walk in and stay standing. 

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Do introduce me, Sasha. 

#### SASHA

This is Bertie. Bertie is -- 

#### BERTIE

Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham, burgh, yes! Hmmm.

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Of Old Bottom?

#### BERTIE

Of Old Bottom, ahhhh, yes! I thought -- ooh, do I recognise you? 

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Hmm. I doubt it. 

#### BERTIE

Hmmm.


#### SASHA

This is Hamid. 

#### HAMID

Hamid, hi.

#### BRYN

Anyone who is looking at Hamid much will tell that he is, like, rigid. And he's normally very relaxed. He's like, his hands are holding each other very tightly and you can just if you're, if you're -- you know, if you're perceptive, you'll notice that his knuckles are almost white. 

#### LYDIA

He hasn't even Prestidigitatised his dress to clean it up. 

#### BRYN

Nope. He still looks a bit rough. 

#### LYDIA

Oh, no.

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Hmm, Ham... Do you have a surname, Hamid?

#### HAMID

It's Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan. 

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Hmmm.

Very nice. 

#### ZOLF

Oh, Zolf Smith. No titles associated. 

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

Hello. And of course, our dear Sasha. 

#### SASHA

I only met them today, they've got like, they've got -- or yesterday, I guess. Like I've got, just, they've got no reason --

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)

A formal introduction would begin with the host. 

#### SASHA

_(inhales)_ This is Barret Racket. He rules, how many floors of...

#### ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN -- BARRET)

It's six now. 

#### SASHA

Six floors of Other London.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Mm.

#### SASHA

You ever put something down and wonder where it went? 

#### BERTIE

All the time, really! All the time! 

#### SASHA

Well, most of it'll end up here. See if there's anything that you recognise.

#### ALEX

Barret gives a really, really benign smile and sort of puts his hands up and gives a little bit of a "ooh."

#### ALEX (BARRET)

So. Sasha, I did send messengers, but they all seemed to come back... worse than they left.

#### SASHA

Well, I sort of assumed that you didn't have my best intentions at heart, seeing as...

#### ALEX (BARRET)

After everything we did for you. You were *very* successful with us, Sasha. 

#### SASHA

Yeah, and then you, I don't know, *sold* me to -- 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

I'd never do such a thing.

#### SASHA

Like, you sent me up to Upper London and then -- 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Formalised your education.

#### SASHA

And then killed... I... yeah! Right. So, you're such lovely gentle people. That's --

#### ALEX (BARRET)

What a shame. All of those tutors, and none of them taught you how to hold a conversation.

Well, I sadly have to get back to business. You'll be sad to hear we're not wanting you back any time soon. What we do want, however, is we want the will.

#### SASHA

The what?

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Oh yes, very clever.

#### SASHA

He stands up and goes over to the drinks cabinet, walking -- actually, you know, very close to you. If any of you wanted to try anything, you could probably manage.

#### BERTIE

I'll have a brandy.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Good choice.

#### ALEX

He starts pouring himself and Bertie a brandy. 

#### BEN

I'll just pop my hand on Hamid's shoulder and seeing as he's obviously not doing very well, sort of in a friendly pat, just a "it's okay, it will be fine." 

#### ALEX

He comes back with a brandy and puts one in front of Bertie.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

*I* know, that *you* know, that *we* made it to the house and had a... recce. And I know that you know that we were looking for something.

#### SASHA

Well, I mean, I just -- I saw that things were messed up and I thought I'd take my chances elsewhere.

##### [BARRET SIGHS]

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Sasha. Now, your friends do seem lovely people, but you have quite a lot of them. We can whittle that down.

Where. Is. The will, Sasha? 

#### SASHA

I don't -- what does it look like, I don't know what it *is* -- like, I don't know. Like, Martev, he never told me anything. He was just like you, you know? Just you but in a better suit. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Well. That's debatable. Oh, Sasha.

#### SASHA

He looks around -- kind of looks to Bertie, to Zolf, then to Hamid. Lingers on Hamid. Sort of leans across with his brandy.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Al-Tahan, was it?

#### BRYN

I lean over to Bertie, just kind of go --

#### HAMID

Do you mind?

#### BRYN

And I reach for his brandy.

##### [SOFT SNICKERING FROM PLAYERS]

And you can now finally tell that my hand is shaking, and I just, I'll try and take it from you. Like, obviously I'm not going to, like... 

#### BERTIE

Oh, steady! I, can we have another brandy over here!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Yeah, he raises an eyebrow, gestures to his butler, who walks across, fills a halfling-sized glass -- yeah, they have an actual halfling glass -- and passes it to...

#### BEN

I'm assuming that the interim is a reasonably awkward silence. 

#### ALEX

*Oh,* yeah, uh --

#### BERTIE

Wouldn't want mine, old chap, mostly backwash at this point. 

#### ALEX

Yeah the only one who isn't awkward at this point is everyone apart from... 

#### BEN

Bertie. 

#### ALEX

...Barret. And Bertie.

#### BRYN

I look like I'm about to burst into tears. But I'll take the glass -- and my hand is shaking quite a lot now -- and I just drain it and then look at the floor. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

You may not be aware, but certain of your party are significantly more well-known than others, and it would be a shame if they were to disappear. People might come looking, but they only look so far. And I'm not accustomed to repeating myself. So this is the last --

#### SASHA

I *don't know!* Like, look, okay. I'll, I'll, I'll -- don't hurt him, he's just -- he's not used to this kind of stuff, like. So we can, I'll help you, I'll help you look for it, I don't -- yeah, I'll go back to the house, I'll look. I'll check, I'll unlock all of, all of the safes. I think I know where he was keeping stuff, I just never managed to get in. 

#### ALEX

He raises an eyebrow.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Do come in.

#### ALEX

The door that's opposite to the bookcase opens, revealing a figure. They are shrouded in a cloak, *completely* shrouded in a cloak -- in fact, it's more like a, like an abbot's gown or something. Like, it has sleeves as well, it's covering the hands, really pulled very far over their head. The person can probably barely see the floor. 

#### JAMES

Height? 

#### ALEX

Height is about 7 foot tall.

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### LYDIA

Ooh!

#### ALEX

And they are gently bending their head to get in the room. They move *very* smoothly, very smoothly, and stand beside Barret. And then he just leans -- Barret leans across to the person, who leans their head in very gracefully.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Would you be so kind.

#### ALEX

The person comes round the table and towers above Sasha, and looks down. 

#### LYDIA

I'm sitting down and, I assume, shaking -- well -- no, actually, no. Even when I'm terrified I don't shake. My body is an unlucky weapon.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX

The figure bends down slightly and then you hear --

#### ALEX (FIGURE)

_(whispering)_ Where is the will?

#### SASHA

I don't know! I don't know, I don't know, I'm not lying to you, Barret! Do you think, do you think that I could lie to you?!

#### ALEX

Barret holds his hand up to you. 

#### JAMES

This chap has got an awfully sore throat. Maybe he could do with a brandy as well? 

#### ALEX

The figure from leaning over again straightens, leans in, whispers something very quietly. Barret nods.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Hmm, fair enough. And the rest?

##### [BEAT]

Hmm. Interesting. I did not expect that. 

#### SASHA

You know me, Barret, I'm useless, I'm not... 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Mm. Apparently.

#### BEN

So now that we're entirely useless, I might interrupt --

#### ZOLF

But also, we'll be missed and might be quite a lot of trouble to get rid of. Why don't you just let us go on our way and we forget about this?

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Well, there's still business to be done. I *do* believe you're looking for some... shall we call them thieves, destructors, I'm not sure what the best term is. Surely information about them is worth something to you?

#### ZOLF

_(carefully)_ Depends what it costs.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

It depends what it costs. It depends what you're offering. I mean, to have friends in such...

#### ALEX

He looks to Bertie and then particularly at Hamid.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

High... places. I'd like to think that we could come to some kind of arrangement?

#### HAMID

Well, er, um, Mr, Mr Barret -- my resources aren't what they once were, but I'm sure we could arrange something that would satisfy you, maybe?

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Mmm. Mmm. And yourself, Master MacGuffingham?

#### BERTIE

Well, of course, obviously the estate of the MacGuffingham, I've fallen on -- well, *loads* of money. Loads of... hmm, hmm. Hmmmmm.

Of course, the MacGuffingham name is often enough to extend the longest lines of credits and all of the most well-known establishments. I have, I would assume that it would be very similar in Other London, of course.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Mm. Well. The idea of having such... *estimable* friends... 

#### BERTIE

Oh, you!

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### ALEX (BARRET)

...and the rest... may actually be enough. I would like to think that if I was to extend the communication to yourselves you would be quick to reply, pertinently.

#### ZOLF

Again, that would have to depend on the nature of -- correspondence. 

#### ALEX

He nods. Reaches in and plucks out a wooden box. Lifts the lid, and you can't see what's inside -- he reaches and he plucks out a single, just copper band ring.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

I would very much appreciate it if you two would be willing to wear this. 

#### ZOLF

That's not what I was asking. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

I didn't realise I was beholden to you, Mr Smith. 

#### ZOLF

I thought we were trying to do a deal here?

#### ALEX (BARRET)

We are. That's why I am talking to the people who are able to offer me something I want, Mr Smith.

#### ZOLF

Alright. So I'll advise them, then. If you don't know what it might cost, not a very good deal.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

These are merely a means of communication.

#### BERTIE

Well, it doesn't really go with the rest of the outfit, of course.

##### [LYDIA SNICKERS]

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Well.

#### LYDIA

The laugh was not in character. 

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

He closes the box, puts it to one side. 

#### BRYN

Hamid just starts very slightly crying. There's actual tears rolling down his face now. 

#### BEN

Taking a look at Hamid --

#### ZOLF

Also, Mr Barret, as their employer, you are dealing with me. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

A fair statement, Mr Smith. Well then, it would seem I have a single condition to give you the information you require. However, it is a __condition,__ not a negotiable one.

A single ring. I believe your friend is perfectly capable of discerning any harmful properties. All I would request is the ability to contact all of you, should I require it.

#### SASHA

Don't, don't do it, Hamid. He's got, he's got collars on people, things that give them lightning shocks. Like, he's not a nice man!

#### BERTIE

He does seem like a bit of an oily tick to me. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Hmm. Well, my dear Hamid. Why don't you just take a look? You don't even need to touch it.

#### ZOLF

Hang on a minute, you just want to make contact. That's the only condition?

#### ALEX (BARRET)

And to be, have my messages received in a favourable light. I don't even require you to listen, I just require you to take the time to receive the message.

#### ZOLF

"Taken in a favourable light" implies an opinion. You can't control those. Unless, of course, there's something about that ring that you're not telling us?

#### ALEX (BARRET)

_(restrained amusement)_ I do have to say that you can control opinions, given enough leverage.

#### BERTIE

Wouldn't one of you...

#### ZOLF

_(indistinct)_ appearance, I would say. 

#### BERTIE

Wouldn't one of you magic chaps be able to have a look at this and see if there's anything special about it?

#### SASHA

Hamid -- can you...? 

#### HAMID

_(shaky breath, sniffles)_ Okay. Okay.

#### BRYN

I take a moment to collect myself. You know, my Detect Magic spell is quite meditative anyway, so it's actually -- it helps me to go through the pattern of that, to just draw myself inwards and take a few deep breaths. Close my eyes, and Hamid looks like he is starting to reassert some control. And he casts Detect Magic. 

#### ALEX

Okay, so what you discern is -- the first thing you discern is a *glare,* just a glare from Barret, who is just awash with magical items. You could take the time to discern, but you'd have to be studying the guy, and... 

#### BRYN

Which I'm not going to, no.

#### ALEX

...I'm not sure Hamid's in that kind of a state. But yeah, it's very much that to discern the ring, you have to deliberately take a point to ignore the quite bright glare from Barret.

Looking at the ring itself, you are able to effectively discern -- can you give me a Knowledge: Arcana, please? 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

Well, I rolled a 3, but I do have 7, so that's 10 total. 

#### ALEX

10\. You're able to discern that it is not especially powerful, and given the things that Sasha was talking about -- so items that can punish the wearer and things like that -- they tend to be at the high-power end. You're not able to discern...

#### BRYN

If I study it long enough I can learn the school of magic. 

#### ALEX

Presumably you do so? 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

Okay. 

#### BRYN

Because that's going to tell me whether it's likely -- not certain, but likely, to be harmful or not.

#### ALEX

Sure. So studying it you see that it appears to be one for the Divination school, which, for those of you that don't know, would make sense to do with the sending of messages. Divination -- actually, for listeners, to spell out, there's obviously these different schools: Divination is one dedicated to foresight, the sending of messages, communication. 

#### BRYN

Knowledge. 

#### ALEX

Knowledge. Things like that. So it would, it would make sense, at least. 

#### HAMID

_(still shaky)_ It's probably not harmful. 

#### SASHA

I don't believe anything coming from Barret isn't harmful. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

_(overlapping)_ I've never been known to lie. 

#### ZOLF

Tell you what, then: how about I put on the ring and I can relay the messages?

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Oh, that's perfectly agreed. 

#### ZOLF

Good.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Under the assumption, of course, that you and your... "subordinates" --

#### BERTIE

Burgh, urgh. I wouldn't go that far!

#### ALEX (BARRET)

-- were to stay together.

#### ZOLF

"Employees," and yes, they are bound by a contract. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Very good.

#### BEN

That's a bluff, if, er...

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX

Oh! Right, okay.

#### BEN

Cos, they ain't signed nothin'!

#### BRYN

I'm going to interrupt and go --

#### HAMID

No. No, Zolf, I'm not going to let you do that.

#### BRYN

And I *grab* the ring, and I shove it on.

##### [SASHA EXHALES]

#### ALEX

You have no tangible effects. Nothing happens, nothing goes weird. 

#### LYDIA

There's a pause, like, I look at you like I expect your hand to blow up.

##### [LAUGHTER]

It's almost embarrassing when it doesn't. 

#### BRYN

I struggle to make eye contact with the two of you. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

If it's any consolation, Hamid, I had the pleasure of meeting your father once. He was also a very excellent communicator. Just the once.

#### BRYN

I look puzzled.

Much like my actual face is, but I have to articulate it --

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

Describe it. 

#### BRYN

-- articulate it out loud. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Well then, it seems that it would be fair for me to give you something.

#### ALEX

He pulls out from a drawer a little bit of parchment and passes it to Zolf. Upon it is written what looks like a very bizarre map. Sasha sees it in the passing and it is very clearly an Other London map, where the key covers stuff like layers. So it's a route that sort of goes up, then down, then up, down, down, up, down, up, down, which to Zolf, you've seen one before but... 

#### BEN

But I'm not used to it. 

#### ALEX

No, not at all. It's a very weird way of doing maps. It's perfectly transparent to Sasha.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

If you were to follow that, you would find yourselves at a compound, and in that compound you will find all of the people that you are looking for. Very little happens here that I'm not at least aware of, even if I don't... condone it.

#### ZOLF

Mhm.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

And, ah...

#### SASHA

You mean you didn't, you didn't take it? 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Me? No.

#### ZOLF

You probably just supplied the people that did, though? 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

What would be the benefit to *me* of a machine that follows orders anyway? There's no skill involved in that. Besides which, I find them so lacking in -- initiative, innovation, improvisation... all the things that you brought, Sasha.

#### ZOLF

Well, given that you know so much, do you know why they took it? 

##### [BEAT]

#### ALEX (BARRET)

I might. But that wasn't the agreement. 

#### ZOLF

I was just trying to appeal to your ego, but. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

_(laughing)_ Oh, ha. That's a very excellent, very excellent idea. 

#### ZOLF

Anyway, our business is concluded, yes?

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Mhm.

#### ZOLF

Good. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

I do hope you have a good time. I will make sure that nothing of yours has been tampered with. You may leave with all of your things, of course; I am not a monster. 

#### HAMID

Th-thank you. 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Oh, you're very welcome, Hamid.

And I'll tell you what, a little something for the road... Master MacGuffingham.

#### ALEX

He gestures to the butler, who comes over with the remainder of a bottle of brandy.

#### ALEX (BARRET)

I hope that you enjoy. 

#### BERTIE

Oh! Cheers.

#### JAMES

Am I being handed the whole Tantalus here, or is that...? 

#### ALEX

You're being handed what's left of the bottle, yeah, but the whole thing. 

#### JAMES

Oh, lovely, alright.

#### BERTIE

Thank you! Kind of you, mm.

#### SASHA

You sent a note, Barret, about, about Brock? 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

Oh, goodness, yes, I almost forgot. I must admit, it was a little sweetener to get you here. However...

#### ALEX

He leans across to the 7 feet tall person who has just been stood there, cowled. He reaches across, put its hand on your shoulder, and goes...

#### ALEX (FIGURE)

_(whispering)_ Brock is in Paris. He is happy. In love. 

##### [BEAT]

#### SASHA

What -- what does that mean, though. What does that mean. I mean, someone doesn't vanish to become happy. What, what does that --

#### ALEX (BARRET)

I'm sorry, I fear that you may be mistaking me for someone who'd be quite happy to tell you. Frankly, I think you should take what you can get.

##### [SASHA EXHALES]

If you'd like, you can stay and we can discuss the matter further. You can stay as long as you want, Sasha.

#### SASHA

I think that I'll be, I'll be... heading out with these guys. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah. I think... 

#### SASHA

We've got a quest now. 

#### ZOLF

Let's wrap up and go, shall we? 

#### ALEX (BARRET)

I presumed as much.

#### ALEX

And he gestures for you to leave the office. The butler opens the door. 

#### JAMES

Can we tell anything about the creepy 7 foot person? 

#### ALEX

You can give me a Perception check.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

7, minus 1 is 6. 

#### LYDIA

I got 16. 

#### ALEX

No. Like, nothing, at all. It's a tall person presumably covered in a thing. 

#### BEN

It's a cowled weirdo.

#### ALEX

Cowled weirdo. That's an episode title right there!

##### [LAUGHTER]

So, yeah. You know what, I think it's worth calling it there. 

#### BEN

I assume we scurry out, grab our things. 

#### LYDIA

I think we stumble. 

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX

But yeah. So we should wrap up. So that was a good one. Nice bit of intrigue again. So... 

#### LYDIA

A backstory feast.

#### ALEX

Mmm, yum yum yum.

#### LYDIA

Nom, nom, nom, terror. 

#### BEN

Delicious!

#### BRYN

_(ominously)_ I add a magic ring to my inventory. 

#### BEN

A magic ring of unknown purpose.

#### JAMES

I have some brandy. 

#### ALEX

And while we work out the paperwork, I think we'll say goodbye. So from everyone here...

#### ALL

Bye!

##### [SHOW THEME -- OUTRO] 

#### ALEX

*Rusty Quill Gaming* is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today's episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening. 