---
layout:          post
title:           "RQG007 - Squelch"
date:            2015-07-15 11:00:00 -0400
episode_type:      episode
tags:            [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham]
voiced:          [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham]
categories:			"rqg"
podcasts: ["rqg"]
title_prefix:	"RQG"
prev_categories: ["rqg"]
prev_prefixes: ["RQG"]
prev_episode:   ['006']
prev_episode_num:		['006']
prev_episode_title:		["Gazebos, Sleuthing and Hats"]
next_categories: ["rqg"]
next_prefixes: ["RQG"]
next_episode:   ['008']
next_episode_num:		['008']
next_episode_title:		["Londons All the Way Down"]
episode_title:   'Squelch'
episode_number:  '007'
summary:         "Join Alex, James, Bryn, Ben, and Lydia as they continue to play an extended Pathfinder Tabletop Roleplaying Campaign: Erasing the Line. In this episode Zolf goes swimming, Hamid goes climbing and both Bertie and Sasha argue the finer points of rope."
content_flags:   [Danger of drowning, raw sewage]
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/rustyquillgaming/rqg-7-squelch
formats: 
    # DOCX: 
    # PDF: 
    # Google Doc: 
official:        true
wiki_url:        https://rqg.fandom.com/wiki/RQG_7_-_Squelch
---

##### [Show Theme - Intro] 

#### ALEX

Hello and welcome to episode 7 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast! My name's Alex Newall, your host and GM, and with me as always I have:

#### JAMES

James Ross. 

#### BRYN

Bryn Monroe. 

#### BEN

Ben Meredith. 

#### LYDIA

Lydia Nicholas. 

#### ALEX

And quickly, what characters are you playing? 

#### LYDIA

I play Sasha Racket, who is an antiques appraiser, who *loves* stabbing.

#### BEN

Zolf Smith -- short, stumpy... no! Short, stumpy, grumpy -- I meant to say... I went with stumpy instead of grumpy -- Cleric. There you go!

#### BRYN

I play Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, the sorcerer who is less charming than I had originally intended.

##### [SOFT SNICKERING]

#### JAMES

I am Sir Bertrand "Bertie" MacGuffingham, who is what a silver spoon would look like, if it were a man!

##### [PLAYERS CACKLE]

#### ALEX

So true. And before... 

#### BRYN

Landlord of the Winking Falcon.

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Best euphemism ever! 

#### ALEX

Before we start this session, I think it's worth mentioning, I should have mentioned this last week actually... we're now recording, and we've already launched! So there's already people listening, and it's going well. So, just as a heads up, thanks for everyone who's already listening, thanks for --

#### BRYN

Yayyyy!

#### LYDIA

Thank you. We love you. 

#### JAMES

Thank you. 

#### BEN

Yes, thanks. 

#### LYDIA

*You* specifically.

#### ALEX

Yes, you. You.

#### JAMES

Yeah, you, the one we're talking to now. Everyone else, they *suck.* *You,* however, are great. 

#### LYDIA

You're amazing. 

#### JAMES

You're the best one! 

#### BEN

I really like your hair. 

#### LYDIA

You should believe in yourself more.

#### JAMES

You -- you -- you've been working out lately... I can tell! 

#### LYDIA

Nice hat! 

#### JAMES

Yeah! 

#### ALEX

But one extra thing to add to that is... 

#### JAMES

If you're not wearing a hat, _(thoughtful)_ maybe you should try a hat?

##### [ALEX STARTS CACKLING]

I think you'd look pretty good in a hat! That's not saying anything about your hair, genuinely, I think it would suit you very well...

#### ALEX

James, I think the audience are suitably appreciated. 

#### BEN

This is a new podcast, A Conversation with James Ross! 

#### JAMES

I've got a very soothing voice, okay? 

#### LYDIA

No, he's using Pomp and Pageantry on the audience... that's what he's doing. 

#### JAMES

Will I get a plus 1 to, like, "Podcast Success"? 

#### ALEX

But, *anyway...* 

#### LYDIA

Knowing our roles in the last round! 

#### ALEX

We will be giving a shout-out to every single person, who gives us a written review on the first 8 weeks, as just a bit of a thank you, cause that's when it's most important to us!

Anyway, plugging aside, that's always the boring bit... what was the thing that happened last week? Well, you guys started investigating, and you came upon the tailor's shop, where the -- let's call them the bombers -- where the bombers appear to have come through, you then seemed to have made your way past a cave-in that they originally did to dodge Sasha when she was chasing them the first time, and have discovered on the far side of it... an open manhole. 

So, the last thing that's happened... Sasha has *just* seen the open manhole... let's pick up from there. 

#### SASHA

Like -- guys, is there anyone? G-guys? Guys. 

#### JAMES

Bertie just takes one step and goes about 10 feet down straight. 

##### [ALEX MAKES A TWANGING CRASH SOUND]

#### BERTIE

Hello!

#### BEN

Do we hear the crash... cause we sort of...? 

#### ALEX

Oh yeah! Oh yeah.

#### BERTIE

Pop down here, chaps!

#### SASHA

You'll need to go, like, up and then... along, and then down is a hole. 

#### ALEX

You can hear her voice muffled coming from the far side of the cave. 

#### ZOLF

Oh! Oh --

#### SASHA

There's a hole, guys, we don't need to dig. 

#### HAMID

Just give me one more minute, I'll be right there.

#### BRYN

I just finish up the notes that I was taking. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, you're still sort of tracing the path... 

#### BEN

While he's doing that I'll climb up the hole and... 

#### BRYN

I'm still faster than Zolf!

##### [BEN SIGHS EXAGGERATEDLY]

Despite my stumpy little legs! 

#### BEN

Yes, well, I'm still quite short. Not as short as you, no. 

#### ALEX

Okay, where are you heading, Zolf? 

#### BEN

Up into the tailor shop, in the cupboard hole... very obvious. 

#### ALEX

The cupboard is open, and up to the cupboard everything's fine, and the second that the cupboard -- like you look into the cupboard, there's just *a hole.* 

#### SASHA

There's a cupboard hole! You wanna come down here.

#### BERTIE

Down the hole, chaps! 

#### SASHA

Through, like, the hole and stuff. 

#### BERTIE

Through the hole... down the hole. 

#### SASHA

Down the hole.

#### BERTIE

Hole!

#### BEN

I look down the hole. 

#### ALEX

You see a big shining silver spoon of a man. 

#### JAMES

Waving! 

#### ALEX

At the bottom of a cave, there is a hole. 

#### ZOLF

_(Ben laughing)_ Bertie, get out the way or I'm gonna jump on you. 

#### JAMES

Will that hurt me? 

#### ALEX

No, it's just inconvenient for everyone involved!

##### [ALEX AND BEN START CACKLING]

#### BEN

Unless you wanna catch me? 

#### JAMES

Iiii... I'm gonna try catching him... why not, why not. It's a team building exercise, it's a trust exercise, that's what it is. This new mercenary company -- it's better than going out paintballing, come on! I'm gonna catch him.

#### BEN

Alright.

#### ZOLF

Well, if you're sure?

#### LYDIA


What would you need to roll?

#### BEN

*Pop.*

#### ALEX

Okay, give me a Reflex save. 

#### JAMES

_(laughing in pain)_ Aw, my Reflex save... What do I need to roll for that? 

#### ALEX

Roll a D20. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

Twenty!

#### ALEX

Oh! Well, uh...

##### [JAMES ROARS IN VICTORY]

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Well, what I was going to say is... you then add your Reflex save which is up on the left hand side --

#### JAMES

One?

#### ALEX

Which is small, but you've got a natural 20... so, yeah.

Describe how you catch a falling stumpy dwarf? 

#### JAMES

I catch him... 

#### BEN

Who has a trident strapped to his back.

#### ALEX

A full-sized trident.

#### JAMES

I catch Zolf the falling dwarf, on a single upturned finger. And it connects... the balance is absolutely perfect... on your peg leg, and I hold him like that, like you're a twirling ballerina in a music box.

##### [PERFECTLY DELICATE MUSIC NOTES OUTSIDE]

##### [EVERYONE LOSES IT]

#### BEN

Is that my tune? Oh, is that my tune?

#### ALEX

_(howling)_ Who arranged that?

#### JAMES

That is the perfect 20... and the noise.

#### BEN

_(gasping through laughter)_ So, to be very specific, that was an ice-cream truck going outside the window, that's not an additional post-production noise. 

#### ALEX

_(still high-pitched)_ Ice cream should not be a major problem when podcasting! Every time. 

#### JAMES

_(as Bertie)_ We've decided to give up mercenary work and form a touring ballet company. 

#### BEN

I was gonna say, it might be a good back-up plan. 

#### JAMES

Yeah. 

#### BRYN

_(flat)_ I jump down the hole. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, you land, it's fine. The only one who'd have to make an Acrobatics check then, is Zolf. Because, you know... Zolf. 

#### BEN

_(grimly delighted)_ I get a minus 4.

#### LYDIA

I was gonna check for traps around the manhole?

#### ALEX

Mm!

#### BEN

_(fake-angry)_ Look at you doing stuff that's sensible and relevant to the plot! 

#### BRYN

M-maybe I missed the description, what is down this hole? 

#### ALEX

So, currently down here, it's a small... at first it looks like a cellar, closer inspection it looks like just a continuation of the building that you're in at the moment, but maybe more of a service tunnel or something. It doesn't look like it's meant to have regular use. Featureless, almost a corridor really. 

#### BRYN

So, there's still a pile of rubble...

#### ALEX

There's a pile of rubble behind, and then, at the other end, there is an open manhole with the cover pulled across to one side.

#### BRYN

Going down or up? 

#### ALEX

Going down. 

#### BRYN

Going down. Right. Check for traps...

#### LYDIA

Yeah, I wanna do that. So that's Disable Device? 

#### ALEX

No. What you do, is you do a Perception check, to find the traps, and then a Disable Device, if you find them, to stop them going off in your face. 

#### LYDIA

What I'm going to need to do in order to differentiate my voice from... Sasha's one, is just speak incredibly poshly when it's me. Okay, we'll try this experiment --

#### BEN

_(exaggerated enunciation)_ This is my out of character voice! 

#### ALEX

_(exaggerated enunciation)_ This is how we all speak! I don't know what you're drawing attention to. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Oh, that's fine. Okay. _(still incredibly poshly)_ So, I've got an 11, which... 

#### BEN

We're now roleplaying with the Queen. 

#### LYDIA

Guess it's added to 6... 17. 

#### ALEX

17, okay. So, yeah, you head up... presumably you're checking the manhole? 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

To spell out actually, technically in Pathfinder -- if you're in a room and you want to do a complete sweep of the room, you have to do a check for something like... every 5 feet? So normally, it's w -- it's silly. It's... I don't think you can do...

#### JAMES

We've all got *lives* to lead. Come on.

##### [SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

Bryn --

#### LYDIA

You might actually fall into a trap! 

#### JAMES

That's true. 

#### ALEX

Bryn, you may want to double-check that, but as far as I'm aware it takes an enormous amount of searches normally? It's a salient point, yeah.

#### LYDIA

I'm just looking at the manhole. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, that's fine. So, heading there, you head over, you do your sort of... actually, describe it. Describe it.

#### LYDIA

So, I flow over there... like ball bearings, that have fallen out of a blown-up ball bearing factory that was built on a slight slope.

##### [SPUTTERS OF LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Okay! 

#### LYDIA

And like the very faint... kind of... rattling of all of the balls flowing down, are my fingers, very delicately touching the floor, and trying out all of the different permutations of weight. And... tension, which there might be strings or buttons, or... whatever traps are made of this in this steampunk... golem-y world.

#### ALEX

Okay. Well, yeah, having the tap-around and so on, you find that there *is* a trap.

##### [LYDIA GASPS DRAMATICALLY]

It looks like there is something rigged to the underside of the manhole. It looks to have, effectively just a tripwire running -- a very, very thin tripwire, running right across the main hole, and, yeah, you've discerned that it's there. 

#### LYDIA

So, is now the time to rock out my Disable Device? 

#### ALEX

Yes it is.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Okay, so that's 14 plus 7... 21. 

#### ALEX

21? Yep. You manage to effectively reach down, and having a look underneath without disturbing the tripwire, you see there appears to be some kind of device strapped to the underside of this -- rigged to the tripwire. Very carefully, you hold the tripwire at the end where it would pull out. Snip it, tie it off, and can reach in and remove the device wholesale. 

#### LYDIA

Ooh! What is this device? Can I appraise it?

##### [CHUCKLES FROM PLAYERS]

I do like appraising, it's a skill I haven't managed to use much so far.

#### ALEX

Using the Disable Device, you already know what it's effectively for.

#### LYDIA

Aw.

#### ALEX

It looks like it is another thunderstone --

#### LYDIA

Ah!

#### ALEX

That has been rigged to the tripwire, along with a very -- sort of compact version, but still another one of those oil flasks. So it looked like it was gonna deafen and burn anyone who tried to climb down. 

#### BEN

_(grim)_ Sounds like a barrel of laughs. 

#### LYDIA

Aren't you guys grateful that I wasn't spinning on a finger? 

#### BEN

Got to amuse ourselves where you actually do... good things. 

#### LYDIA

I pocket both things.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

Cool. I'll add them to your inventory.

#### LYDIA

Not necessarily telling them. 

#### ALEX

Okay. So, yeah, you pocket the trap components, we'll call them. 

#### LYDIA

So that was a...

#### JAMES

Thunderstone. 

#### ALEX

An oil flask, and a thunderstone.

#### LYDIA

Cool. Bryn, did you get the other ones? The vials and everything?

#### BRYN

Yes, so I got a thunderstone and... I'll call them fire flasks, and I've got two of those. 

#### ALEX

Call them oil flasks. Think of it as a Molotov that's primed and ready to go. That's effectively what they are.

The reason I clarify that actually, for listeners, is, there's something in Pathfinder called Alchemist's Fire, which... if these are Molotov cocktails, it's a bottle of *napalm?* 

#### BEN

Yeah, Alchemist's Fire is griiiim. 

#### ALEX

It's significantly stronger, more potent, and a bad day for anyone. It's one of those items that you'll... you'll want to pick up along the way at some point. It's a good way of -- "someone's chasing us, I drop this in the building, the building's now on fire, problem solved." Like, it's kind of a staple for an adventurer's kit. Same as an acid flask, good for getting through locks and things like that.

So, anyway, yeah, you've disabled the device. 

#### SASHA

There was a trap, guys... yes, now there isn't. 

#### ZOLF

Well done, thank you. 

#### SASHA

Yep. Cool. 

#### BERTIE

Very well done. 

#### SASHA

Who, do you want me to go... like, you'll want *me* to go down, won't you? 

#### BERTIE

_(grandly)_ Ladies first, a-after you. 

#### SASHA

Okay. Right.

#### LYDIA

So. I flow, like...

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ We'll say you head down the manhole cover, there's limited episode times. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, okay... right, I go down the manhole, super sneaky-like, and look around. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, heading down the ladder, it's a little bit damp, a little bit slick.

##### [SFX: FLOWING WATER]

Heading down, you're clearly heading into a sewer!

#### LYDIA

Nice. 

#### ALEX

The smell isn't as bad as you'd expect, but it's hardly flowers. Getting down, you drop onto... you know you can have those side -- sort of walkways, beside -- it's very narrow. Bertie's gonna have a tough time unless he wants to wade through... rivers of poo. But that said, like I said, it's very well maintained.

#### LYDIA

Ooh!

#### ALEX

It's very, very... like it's tiled. It's clearly had a lot of work. 

#### JAMES

Is it suspiciously well maintained, or is it just...? 

#### ALEX

It is as well maintained as you have grown accustomed to in upper London, and the fact that its sanitation services are equally well maintained is nothing less than you would expect.

#### JAMES

Right, okay. No less than I, my character would... _(struggling)_ because he's like not expecting...

#### ALEX

Oh, you mean in real life, yeah, it's a clean sewer! How are there clean sewers?!

#### JAMES

Right. So, it's weird that it's a clean sewer -- 

#### ALEX

Yeah. I mean there is... 

#### JAMES

-- but my character would not know that. 

#### ALEX

No, not at all. 

#### JAMES

Okay, cool... fine. 

#### ALEX

There is, like I said, sewers running through. 

#### LYDIA

I, having a significant amount of experience in these kind of places --

#### ALEX

Oh, it's ridiculous. 

#### LYDIA

T-this is bizarre. 

#### ALEX

This is ridiculous. Someone's wasting an enormous amount of time... keeping something that's designed to channel poo, clean. 

#### LYDIA

Okay! 

#### ALEX

This is busywork of the most *obvious* nature. 

#### LYDIA

Right. From what we know about their working standards, then, whoever these people are, I... do I hear anything? I assume this is a tube with... am I at the end of a corridor or is it stretching... 

#### ALEX

You are right in the middle, it stretches off behind you, up ahead... up ahead there's a T-junction, and it looks like a small little waterfall, basically. That's a nice way of putting it. Give me a Perception check.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Ooh. 8 plus... 6. 14. 

#### ALEX

Fourteen? You hear the sound of significant volumes of liquid moving through a tunnel.

##### [LYDIA CHUCKLES]

#### BRYN

Can we all make Perception checks?

#### ALEX

Currently, she's the only one down there. 

#### JAMES

I think it's subsequently that my character is the next one down, so I... 

#### LYDIA

When I realise, you're about to come down, I... move a *significant* distance *away,* out of the splash range. 

#### JAMES

Okay. Er -- My character clambers down... 

#### ALEX

You attempt to clamber down, wearing *full plate armour...*

#### JAMES

Yep! Acrobatics... is Acrobatics what I test in? 

#### ALEX

You're just not gonna fit whilst wearing the armour.

#### JAMES

Oh.

#### ALEX

You can take it off, take it down in pieces, then put it back on. You are *not* gonna fit through the manhole wearing full plate amour. You just don't have the mobility for it. 

#### JAMES

I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna take it all off, clamber down, and then put it all back on again. 

#### ALEX

Sure. It's -- _(laughing)_ it's a long and arduous process.

#### ZOLF

Yeah, I'll give you a hand.

#### BEN

Gives him a hand.

#### HAMID

I'm gonna move ahead and scout with you... if that's okay? 

#### SASHA

Yeah!

#### HAMID

I won't... I'll let you take the lead, but.

#### SASHA

Okay, so we'll go up to the T-junction first, because I suspect that... how sneaky are you? To be down with it... yeah?

#### HAMID

Well -- I'm hard to notice. 

#### SASHA

Alright, so let's go the noisy way.

#### LYDIA

So, we go up to the waterfall. 

#### BEN

Quickly flash-cut back to Zolf and Bertie...

#### ZOLF

_(struggling)_ Get this strap off...

#### BEN

*Clonk!* 

#### JAMES

We have a beautiful moment where our eyes meet.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

And then cut back.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

No, I meet eyes with your falcon helmet. 

#### JAMES

Oh, right!

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

And it winks. 

#### BEN

_(as Zolf)_ Are you *flirting* with me? 

#### BRYN

I'm gonna listen out for additional sounds.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Sixteen plus 6 is 22! 

#### ALEX

Much the same I'm afraid. You get obviously loud echoing clangs and bangs and stuff, actually the acoustics in there seem... because it's tiled and actually quite clean, given that it's a sewer. It sounds like if there was anyone nearby or anything to pick up, you'd *probably* be hearing an echo of it?

#### LYDIA

They know that there's two guys or an army down there by the... by the manhole, but like, they don't know about us, so we'll still keep it down. We look around the T-junction. 

#### ALEX

So, getting to the T-junction, you appear to be... maybe 15 foot up. There's stairs... now on either side of the tunnel that you're in that lead down into a large -- it looks like a drainage pool. It's like a big conical pool, things are pouring down a waterfall, straight into a large pool effectively, which seems to be draining vertically downwards. There is a path on the other side, there are stairs that lead down. 

#### LYDIA

Ohhhh, okay. 

#### ALEX

On either side of that sort of walkway, that's on you at the moment, down to a lower level. 

#### LYDIA

I see, so that's where there's a waterfall? 

#### ALEX

The actual sewage falls down, into a large sort of plunge pool, and that seems to be draining vertically downwards. So, the left and the right are both tunnels devoid of sewage. They appear to be service tunnels or something!

#### JAMES

That is, okay... good, from my character's point of view. Okay, in that case, sorry, with that in mind, I realize that we've just gone through the whole process of putting on the armour. Basically, I don't wanna have to end up taking an Acrobatics check to avoid falling in... what is actually quite a short river of water. Am I right in doing the getting changed bit once we've got them there?

#### ALEX

Sure, sure. You've taken the armour off, you can carry it, you have ways of strapping it to yourself and wearing it, effectively, but not as clothing. 

#### JAMES

Carrying it, not wearing it... yeah, cool. Okay we'll do that, and then at this point here I will get re-robed. 

#### BRYN

Should we scout down this way, a bit further? 

#### ALEX

Which way? 

#### BRYN

The left fork? 

#### LYDIA

Yes. 

#### ALEX

Okay, let's skip a bit of time so that Bertie's now down by the plunge pool with Zolf, Bertie's currently not wearing his armour, could be putting it on if he chooses. 

#### JAMES

I am putting it on... that is what I am now doing. 

#### ALEX

So yeah, exploring the left-hand side?

#### LYDIA

Sounds good. 

#### ALEX

Uh-huh. You lead on for a while, it's a service tunnel, it takes a single right turn... do you poke your head round the corner, presumably? 

#### LYDIA

I... *listen.*

##### [BEAT]

#### ALEX

Give me another Perception check.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Seven plus 6... so 13.

#### BRYN

Three, to 9. 

#### ALEX

It sounds like there's flowing water behind you. 

#### LYDIA

I look round the corner. Yep, I look round the... no wait, *I* look round the corner --

##### [LYDIA MUTTERS TO HERSELF FOR A SECOND]

Sasha looks round the corner.

##### [SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

Okay, looking round the corner... you come up... immediately to a ladder that leads vertically upwards to a manhole that's closed. And there is a little bit of light shining through holes in it, and occasionally it goes dark, then light again, then a bit dark, then light again. 

#### SASHA

It looks like a street up there.

#### HAMID

Yeah. Shall we check the other... direction? 

#### SASHA

Yeah.

#### BEN

*Slam cut.*

#### ZOLF

And there we go! All done.

#### BERTIE

Thank you, my good man.

#### ALEX

Yeah, as Hamid and Sasha come up walking next to you.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BERTIE

Hello!

#### HAMID

J-just wait here a minute, we're gonna check the other direction. 

#### ZOLF

What did you see down there, what's --? 

#### HAMID

Nothing, basically. 

#### SASHA

It turns round a corner, and then there's like a manhole... like I thought, so, um... 

#### ZOLF

Just an exit maybe?

##### [GENERAL AGREEING NOISES] 

#### SASHA

There's people walking by. They might have escaped that way, but we wouldn't find them that way. 

#### ZOLF

Unlikely they'll go through a street with a Simulacrum. 

#### SASHA

Ah. That's true, _(mumbled)_ that's why you're the brains. 

#### ZOLF

I'm not. 

##### [SNORTS]

#### HAMID

How'd they gonna get the Simulacrum through the manhole that *you* couldn't even fit through, Bertie? 

#### BEN

With the Simulacrum, was it tall or...? 

#### ALEX

It was 10 foot tall. 

#### BEN

But was it very wide? 

#### ALEX

Yeah. He was broad with it. 

#### JAMES

How wide... as in he would have...? 

#### ALEX

As in, it looked like a large well-built humanoid... genderless, for -- mechanically, of the Large category. So, ten -- 

#### BRYN

So, twice the scale of a... 

#### ALEX

Yes! Just think of a normal person, times 2. 

#### ZOLF

Given that insight... that's a very good point. Do you think this is a decoy? 

#### HAMID

Could they have dismantled it? 

#### ZOLF

Or they didn't go down this manhole, and it's just here to trick somebody chasing them, so they're wasting all their time sloshing around in some poo.

#### SASHA

Well, what else was there? Where else could they have gone? You know we went... 

#### BEN

Was the room a dead-end apart from the manhole? 

#### ALEX

Er... Yeah. 

#### BEN

Oh. 

#### ALEX

The one that you first came down, yeah.

#### BEN

Hm.

#### SASHA

I saw the guys... come to think of it, right, so I didn't see the Simulacrum with them... I assumed he'd gone first, like we all did -- didn't we? So maybe, they just ran off... maybe he went out the building when we were all knocked out?

##### [BEAT]

I dunno, I'm not really good at thinking. 

#### BERTIE

Perhaps *he* was the decoy? 

#### SASHA

...Simulacrum? 

#### BERTIE

No, no, the other chap. 

#### SASHA

Oh. 

#### BERTIE

The one you were following. 

#### ZOLF

Mm.

#### SASHA

Right, yeah, there were two of them though.

#### BERTIE

Mm.

#### HAMID

There's so many possibilities, we'll tie ourself in knots if we imagine them all. Let's just see what we can find out and we'll reconsider the question later. 

#### BERTIE

Have we tried the other part? 

#### HAMID

Let's do that quickly. 

#### ALEX

Okay. So, you head down the other path, again there's another... turn, 90 degree left-hand turn this time. 

#### LYDIA

Okay, yep, right. I peek round the edge, I've lost my caution. 

#### ALEX

Peeking round, you see a large door, that has a... it seems to have some kind of bolting mechanism. It's ajar, and it looks like there has been... the bolts are torn, either they've been blown off, or something similar. Sheared, at the very least. 

#### HAMID

So much more likely they came this way.

#### SASHA

Right, yeah. But then, how would they have got here if they didn't come through the manhole? Unless... no, you said it was dismantled, that would make sense. 

#### HAMID

They could dismantle it, you can store it in a portable hole, or something like that? If you had a big enough one? I mean there are ways to do it, it's just... 

#### ZOLF

These people prepared.

#### HAMID

...Difficult.

#### ZOLF

No, they knew what they were doing. 

#### HAMID

They did. 

#### ZOLF

This has been planned for a long time. We might... well, obviously we're gonna have to be careful, but -- extra caution they might be waiting for us? 

#### SASHA

Right. So... you say that the door is... 

#### HAMID

They trapped that manhole, do you want see if they've trapped this door as well? 

#### SASHA

Yeah. But I'd go up to the door... 

#### ALEX

Bertie, give me a Perception check.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

Sixteen minus 1... 15. 

#### ALEX

And Zolf? 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Ough. Uh, 3.

#### ALEX

Bertie, you see something of an unusual shape in the plunge pool. Just for a moment, something solid seems to sort of... poke out and then shift and then disappear into the muck again. 

#### JAMES

Um...

##### [BERTIE MAKES A DISGUSTED NOISE]

#### ZOLF

What.

#### HAMID(?)

*Ewww.*

#### JAMES

At this point I take out my bastard sword and I just poke it into the pool. 

#### ZOLF

What you *doing?* 

#### ALEX

There's a clang of metal, as you connect. Like a clink, clank. You can shift something... 

#### JAMES

Is the object moving, that I'm... 

#### ALEX

It's moving when you poke it, it is not moving independent of your poking it. 

#### JAMES

Right, okay. 

#### ALEX

Beyond the currents of the water. 

#### ZOLF

What on... earth is that? 

#### BERTIE

I think I might have solved the mystery here!

#### JAMES

At this point, I am wearing my armour at this point aren't I? How waterproof is my armour? 

#### ALEX

Not. 

#### JAMES

At all? 

#### ALEX

No. 

#### JAMES

Even slightly. 

#### ALEX

It's armour. 

#### BRYN

Also it would cause you to *sink.* 

#### JAMES

Oh, I'm not planning on diving in.

##### [LAUGHTER]

That's. Noooo. 

#### ALEX

I'm gonna get you in it! I'm gonna get you in it at some point. 

#### JAMES

I'm at minus 6 penalty to Swim. I am not gonna have my character *die* in a pool of sewage --

##### [ALEX CACKLES]

In the... sixth episode?

#### ALEX

Seventh. 

#### JAMES

Seventh episode. So, at this point... what sort of check will I need to do, if any, to... basically thrust my hands into the pool and pull out whatever metal's in there? 

#### ALEX

You wouldn't be able to reach it from where you are. 

#### JAMES

Oh, right, okay. 

#### ALEX

You could, I suppose you could lower yourself in, hold on to the side with one hand and reach out with the other to grab it? 

#### ZOLF

Do you want me to get that for you? 

##### [PLAYERS SNORT]

#### BERTIE

If you wouldn't mind awfully. 

#### ZOLF

Alright then.

#### BEN

Make a Stepping Stone! 

#### ALEX

Do you have the spell left? 

#### BEN

I do! It's... I get seven uses a day and I've used it once. 

#### ALEX

Oh of course! It's your... it's your... is it a Cleric special ability? Where was it from?

#### BEN

Yeah, yeah, it's from my Islands domain. 

#### ALEX

That's the one, it's your domain. 

#### BRYN

It's actually an SLA... not a spell. 

#### BEN

Oh yes, it is a spell... spell-like ability... sorry. 

#### ALEX

So to spell out quickly for listeners, there was a lot of jargon there. As a Cleric -- 

#### BRYN

Sorry. 

#### ALEX

No, it's alright. As a Cleric he will pick a domain, so it's sort of like a specialty for the things that he's best at. So, you could have a water domain, a fire domain, there's the luck domain, it's just... the things that you kind of specialise in getting blessings with... things like that. And a spell-like ability is, it is not a spell, he does not have to, sort of stand there and cast it and all of that jazz, it is an implicit ability that he has. It makes a big difference mechanically because some things will only affect spell-like abilities, and things like that. 

#### BRYN

Yeah, and often with spell-like abilities you get to use them more times a day. 

#### ALEX

Yeah. Yeah. Although it's rare to get a very strong spell-like ability as a character. It's more about utility, I suppose, than power. 

#### JAMES

Well, at this point I clamber on to the disk. 

#### ZOLF

Hold up, hold up, hold up. Not in that armour you're not. You go in there, you might drown. *I'll* get it.

#### BEN

And I'll just take off my... just, chained shirt. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah. 

#### BEN

And I'm just in my clothes. 

#### ALEX

Just over your head, whoop, done. 

#### BEN

Yeah, exactly. 

#### LYDIA

There's another moment?

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

_(dramatically)_ Our eyes lock...

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

Carry on.

#### BEN

Climb onto the disk, basically sit down and... just kind of push myself off from the edge. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah, it's quite easy and this is fine over liquid, isn't it? You've gone over before? 

#### BEN

Yeah, yeah, it hovers... I think it's a foot above ground and liquid... but it doesn't levitate, as I found out. Yeah, so push myself off, get on my belly... plunge my hands in, and grab the thing? 

#### ALEX

You reach your hands and you find yourself gripping something large, metal, cylindrical. It's quite heavy, and you can lift it. You pluck it out of the muck. It's hard to discern from all of the muck what it is, and the stench is... quite potent once you disturb it like this. And you start pulling it near yourself.

##### [LYDIA MAKES A DISGUSTED NOISE]

And you'll probably need to wipe it off a bit before you can tell specifically what it is. 

#### BEN

So, if I'm in the middle of this... this thing now, I guess...

#### ZOLF

_(calling out)_ Can one of you grab my leg, and pull me back?

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JAMES

My eyes and his lock again --

##### [PLAYERS CACKLE]

Bertie strides manfully forward and pulls his legs -- edge of the disk -- 

#### BEN

Yeah, legs, legs'll be hanging over. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, distance-wise it's fine. 

#### BEN

Does that... 

#### ALEX

The Stepping Stone bobs back... 

#### BEN

Heft it on to the...

##### [ALEX MIMICS A CLANGING NOISE]

Push it over, roll off the disk! Put my chain shirt back on. 

#### ALEX

Mhm, mhm. And you guys come back, are you still scouting? 

#### LYDIA

We've heard all of this... well *I've* heard all of this, so I at least go back, I think. 

#### ALEX

Sure. Yeah, you head back and it looks like they've fished something large and smelly-looking out of the big pool of sewage. 

#### ZOLF

_(pleasant)_ Look what Bertie found!

#### BRYN

I cast Prestigitation, producing an *army* of handkerchiefs...

##### [LAUGHTER]

From my pocket -- various pockets. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah, if you wouldn't mind, that would be great. 

#### BRYN

And start to... you know, do my little weird flick-cleaning. 

#### ALEX

There's a blizzard of hankies, that's what we'll call it. There's a blizzard of hankies and then... revealed beneath it is a... hand. A Simulacrum hand. Which appears to be torn off, at about the wrist, something like that, maybe towards the elbow? Maybe around the forearm point? 

#### JAMES

Forearm. 

#### ALEX

Yeah. There's... yeah, about say halfway up the forearm. And, to be honest, if you didn't know what you were looking for, it'd just look like a gauntlet at first... a very well made, smooth... 

#### BRYN

And very large. 

#### ALEX

But *way* too large for a person. Dangling from inside it, there are strings of what look like gold, maybe... 

#### BRYN

Electrum? 

#### ALEX

Yeah. Can you give me a... let's go an *Appraise* check, for *once.* 

#### LYDIA

_(cheering wildly)_ Yeahhhh! Woohoo!

##### [DICE ROLLS]

That is a 17 and my Appraise is 7... so, 24.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

I just thought as well, so I get a plus 2 on Appraisal all treasure found in or under-water...

#### LYDIA

Ohhh!

#### BEN

Does this count as *water?* Does it count as sewage? Can I be a sewage-beard dwarf? 

#### BRYN

Two thirds water. 

#### ALEX

I will permit you to aid her with a bonus because it was found under, inverted commas... "water." 

#### BEN

I'll do my roll and add it to a bit of your primary action.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

I feel like my thunder has been somewhat stolen. 

#### BEN

No, no, cause I'm just helping you, so. I got 13. 

#### ALEX

I'm gonna be honest it will make zero mechanical difference, because she rolled high enough. 

#### BEN

You've already rolled 24, so yeah. 

#### ALEX

I'll actually have to look that up at some point. 

#### BRYN

Yeah, we should check the collaboration rules. 

#### ALEX

Yeah. But anyway, you start having a look at it, and it becomes very clear that the interior, it's probably got more precious metals in it than you will be getting paid for this job. There are strands of gold still hanging out... mithril, and sort of... silvery mercury-coloured almost. 

#### LYDIA

Does anyone hear like a rattling or anything? Cause it's *definitely* not my hands shaking.

##### [ALEX SNORTS]

#### ALEX

There are... some very tiny gears in there and strands of things. 

#### HAMID

It seems very likely they dismantled it. Do you think *all* of it's in the pool, or do you think they just dropped one piece? 

#### ZOLF

Probably discarded bit by bit, I imagine.

#### BEN

And can I just Sense Motive on... Sasha? 

#### ALEX

Like I've said before, I'd rather avoid Sense Motiving and Bluffing between characters between characters where possible. 

#### BEN

What's your, uh -- what's your face doing right now? 

#### LYDIA

It's like... I'm not hiding it very well, am I? It's just like my eyes are lighting up and... I know it's valuable!

#### BEN

I'm just gonna... 

#### LYDIA

It's not, there isn't a sneaky... I'm not actually taking things; I am just *very* impressed by this thing. 

#### BEN

That's fair enough. I'll pop my hand on the thing and say --

#### ZOLF

The mercenary's guild will *gut* us. 

#### SASHA

_(like a kicked puppy)_ Okay...

#### ZOLF

_(as Ben struggles not to laugh)_ It's fine, I understand there's quite a lot of expensive stuff. But they'll *gut* us. 

#### JAMES

Can I do a quick Perception check for Alex knows what I'll be looking for? 

#### ALEX

I'll tell you what, actually why don't we take a short ad break, and then we'll discuss what you're looking for in a couple of minutes! 

#### JAMES

Okay. 

------

##### [AD BREAK]

------

#### ALEX

And welcome back. Okay! So you were doing a sort of a Search check, okay. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

Fourteen, minus 1 is 13. 

#### ALEX

No traces. 

#### HAMID

So, do you think there are more bits of it in this pool? How -- how are we gonna find them? 

##### [BEAT]

#### ZOLF

_(groan)_ Alright!

#### BEN

Take off my pack, say a couple of things -- 

#### BERTIE

Steady, steady, no need for poo-diving... isn't this, _(mansplaining professor voice)_ correct me if I'm wrong, ladies and gentlemen, but is mithril not a magical substance? Could not one... simply detect one?

#### HAMID

No.

#### BERTIE

Oh.

##### [ALEX CACKLES]

#### SASHA

Could we, like... 

#### HAMID

It's a very special metal with some extremely valuable and useful properties, but not technically magical in that sense. 

#### BERTIE

_(quietly)_ Curses. 

#### SASHA

Could we block off the flow of the water for like a little while, or divert it somehow? 

#### ZOLF

_(resigned)_ I'll just jump in. 

#### SASHA

...Okay.

#### ZOLF

I'll just jump in. But good point raised, Bertie, let's just check.

#### BEN

Detect Magic on the gauntlet... cause they have residual magic. 

#### ALEX

It does. From what you understand of magic, it feels sort of incoherent. And -- so it feels like there is some innate magical things kicking around in there, but it doesn't feel like... normally with Detect Magic if you concentrate you're like "ahh, I see what this is doing." Here it's like listening to static, there's noise but it's not really music. 

#### BEN

But I'm getting a... glow from it? 

#### ALEX

It's weak, it's very weak. 

#### BEN

Can't I look in the pool? 

#### ALEX

There's another... sort of weak, glow-y, it's really hard to pin down. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah, there's something in there. 

#### BRYN

I'll also cast some detect magic, and then I'm gonna roll -- I'm gonna ask to look at the gauntlet most closely... the one we've already rescued.

#### BEN

Oh, yeah. 

#### BRYN

And I'm gonna look at it and... roll Knowledge: Arcana?

#### ALEX

Yeah, go for it.

#### BRYN

To see if I can just work out a little more about it?

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Uh -- 13. 

#### ALEX

Okay... 13. So let me just... 

#### BEN

While he's examining, I'll take off my clothes and jump in!

##### [SFX: WATER SPLASH]

##### [LAUGHTER] 

#### JAMES

Our eyes lock!

##### [LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES]

#### ALEX

_(delighted)_ Ahhh, you are gonna *stiiiink.*

#### BEN

_(singsong)_ Prestidigitation! 

#### ALEX

Oh! That's actually really... I've never known anyone to make such *good* use of Prestidigitation, in like a really *effective* way. 

#### LYDIA

It's like it's beginning -- beginning to make a mechanical difference.

#### ALEX

Almost!

#### BEN

Also, I used... I used to be a pirate, so I've probably been in worse places. 

#### ALEX

That's true. 

#### BRYN

Oh, I think I cast Prestidigitation the maximum number of times I can today, I'm afraid.

##### [ALEX STARTS LAUGHING AGAIN]

#### BEN

Then you're gonna have to be next to me. 

#### ALEX

Okay, so, so presumably you're concentrating and meeting all the prerequisites to... yeah, that's fine. So, you...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

It'll be while he's... poo-diving? Is that polite enough to say... on a family-friendly podcast? 

#### ALEX

Eh, I think it's polite enough. 

#### LYDIA

Poo-poo swimming.

#### BEN

It's okay, everybody poos. 

#### ALEX

Not in this world, there are magical creatures that don't! 

#### BEN

True. 

#### JAMES

_(as Bertie)_ I have people to poop *for* me!

##### [CACKLING]

#### ALEX

Aaaanyway... 

#### BRYN

Excrement excavating! 

#### ALEX

_(desperately trying to get back on track)_ So...

#### BEN

Does that mean -- could you put a portable hole just right next to your bum, so you never have to deal with --

#### ALEX

Why don't we have an extended discussion of this *after* the podcast.

#### BEN

_(groaning in disappointment)_ But people need to know, Alex! 

#### ALEX

So, you find kicking around in there, elements of the enchantment school, a portion of the illusion school... 

#### LYDIA

Wait, this is in the gauntlet, not in the sewage? 

#### ALEX

This is in the gauntlet. And the transmutation school, as well as... eh, dribs and drabs of the elemental arcane schools. 

#### BRYN

I'm not going to be able to work out what's going on, but it's gonna be really useful in the future to recognise... to be able to recognise similar stuff? 

#### ALEX

Yeah. No, I get what you're doing, you're basically, it's so that if you can see traces of this later you'll recognise it. Certainly, the *complexity* of it in, I suppose you'd call it a construct... is very distinct.

So, Zolf's just currently swimming in... in excrement. 

#### BEN

I'm just going right in there. 

##### [SFX OF FLOWING WATER IS REPLACED WITH THE SOUNDS OF SWIMMING THROUGH DEEP WATER]

#### ALEX

Right to the bottom? 

#### BEN

To where it is. I can see it - obviously I've closed my eyes cause, uh... no-one wants poo eyes!

#### ALEX

You do have to dive under, and I'm gonna give you a Swim check, because you feel a *very* strong current pulling down. 

#### BEN

Yep, that's fine.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

_(laughing painfully)_ Oh, *God.*

#### LYDIA

Oh no! 

#### ALEX

What was the roll? I can't see it from here. 

##### [BEN GROANS]

#### JAMES

A 2. 

#### ALEX

A 2?

#### BEN

Four, total.

#### ALEX

Four. Yeah, you are gripped in a very strong current pulling you vertically downwards. Good news and bad news. The good news is, you're drawing near to the thing that you could detect in the pool. The bad news is you're drawing further and further away from the surface, and the deeper you get, the stronger the current becomes. 

#### BEN

I will... 

#### JAMES

I have a suggestion... I would have to make it out of character obviously, because our characters don't know what's going on. I don't know if this will work mechanically but, could you summon up another disk right beneath you... and then, like some sort of poo elevator? 

##### [LYDIA LAUGHS]

#### BEN

I can do... I absolutely can. So, yes, I will go for the... 

#### ALEX

Presumably as a spell-like ability there's no verbal of somatic components or anything to it? 

#### BEN

N-not listed... no. 

#### ALEX

That was why I had to ask!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Save against cholera! 

#### BRYN

Surely one of your domain powers is to be able to cast underwater, as a --

#### ALEX

If it's not you *really* should look into it, silent spells, some like that. Anyway, you can successfully summon it beneath you.

#### BEN

Well, no, not yet. 

#### ALEX

Oh, right. 

#### BEN

No, I go for the gauntlet! 

#### ALEX

Okay, cool. So, yeah, you reach the very bottom of the pool and you... it's very clear that there's some kind of hole that it's draining through, and that the item that you're reaching for is sort of wedged there.

#### BEN

_(decisive)_ Grab the item. 

#### ALEX

Okay, you reach down, try to pull it out. It is wedged quite firmly. You'll need to do a Strength check. I'm gonna say that you've now been under... coming onto, like 20 seconds, something like that. 

#### BEN

Cool. Um --

#### SASHA

Do you think he's okay down there? 

#### BERTIE

Oh, fine, fine, I'm sure. 

#### SASHA

Okay. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Uh, 17, all pure strength. 

#### ALEX

Seventeen, yeah, you manage to dislodge it, you hadn't cast the disc yet, right? 

#### BEN

No, not yet. 

#### ALEX

Okay, the flow suddenly, *massively* increases. And... give me a Reflex save?

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

That's not something Clerics are good at. Still got 14...?

#### ALEX

Is that total including... 

#### BEN

That is total including. 

#### ALEX

Fourteen... You get sucked down straight through the hole that you've just released --

##### [PLAYERS GASP]

-- As, from everyone on the edges, you see suddenly, a... _(imitates bubbling sound)_ and then the pool starts draining very rapidly. 

#### BEN

Okay, my reaction to this is -- try not to panic, just go "it's gonna spit me out eventually, and I'm not gonna swim against it," so... 

##### [SOMEONE MAKES A SUCKING-WATER NOISE]

#### ALEX

And yeah, you see all of the sewage and get sucked down the hole and then, *fwip!* Suddenly the... waterfall is pouring into, like a large catch basin, and it clearly goes down to about a man-sized hole. And there is no-one in there. 

##### [FLOWING WATER NOISES COME BACK AS WE CUT BACK TO SURFACE CHARACTERS]

#### SASHA

Oh god. _(panicking but still speaking slowly)_ No, can you swim, I can't swim. Do you wanna grab my ankles, I'll go look for him. No, *you* go... w-what do we do?

#### HAMID

Quick! Here's some rope, tie it to me. 

##### [BEAT]

#### SASHA

*You!* Yes... okay. 

##### [ALEX STARTS CACKLING]

#### BERTIE

That sounds like an excellent solution! Well -- well volunteered.

#### JAMES

So we are knotting the rope around him, blah blah blah, left over right and right over left... okay. 

#### LYDIA

It sounds like a thief-y skill; I can tie a knot. 

#### HAMID

I'll jump down the hole. If I tug, pull me back! 

#### BERTIE

Yeah, very well.

##### [DEEP-WATER SOUNDS RETURN]

#### ALEX

*Fwip!* And down the hole you go. You're moving quite quickly down, I'm gonna cut to... Zolf. 

#### BEN

Hello. 

#### ALEX

Zolf, you're now completely disorientated and, there's a couple of twists and turns... 

#### BRYN

I've still got Detect Magic active, so if he's *holding* the magical gauntlet, I'll be able to see him. 

#### ALEX

Mhm. Give me another Strength check to keep hold of it. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Nineteen.

#### ALEX

You hold tight on to the one thing that's moving with you, i.e. the thing, whatever it is, and you're getting pulled along the pipes, so you get a bit of a left turn, a bit of a right turn and then, yeah --

##### [DEEP WATER NOISES ARE REPLACED BY FLOWING WATER NOISES AGAIN]

You get spat out of a... what feels like a very, very high thing, plummet, and --

##### [SFX: SPLASH]

Land in something. I'm gonna cut back to Hamid. 

#### BEN

Yup. 

#### ALEX

Hamid, you start falling down the tube and then, slowly you decelerate as there's a couple of twists and turns, and you kind of squeak up against, squeak up against until you find yourself just sort of... on your side, at a sort of 45 degree angle, just in the tube. It carries on, but you're currently... did you go head first or feet first? 

#### BRYN

Feet first? 

#### ALEX

Well then, yeah, you're currently in a situation where your arms are above your head, and your legs are down, and you're not, you're not squeezed in but you're gonna have to sort of start pushing your way along. You're not moving at a huge pace. There's only a small amount of liquid, flowing fast. 

#### BRYN

So I'm not immediately going to drown in it, just -- ? 

#### ALEX

No, nothing like that, but similarly you're not just shooting out like a cork in a bottle, the same way that Zolf was. 

#### BRYN

Yeah, that's fair. I'll start... yeah, just kind of climbing, quite gradually and slowly... keep it controlled. 

#### ALEX

Okay, I'm gonna cut briefly to Bertie and Sasha. 

#### SASHA

Was, was that a tug --

#### ALEX

The rope rapidly disappeared and then suddenly stopped disappearing and continued very slowly. 

#### JAMES

Has there been anything like a tug on the rope at all? 

#### SASHA

Was that... did that feel like a tug? That felt like a tug to me. 

#### BERTIE

It didn't feel like a tug to me. 

#### SASHA

Well, it felt like a tug to me. 

#### BERTIE

_(more insistent)_ It didn't feel like a tug to me!

#### SASHA

What do you think a tug feels like? 

#### BERTIE

It feels like this!

#### JAMES

And I tug her arm.

##### [SNICKERS]

#### BERTIE

That's what a tug feels like, young lady!

#### SASHA

That's, that's --

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ We'll cut back to Zolf -- 

#### BEN

No, I wanna stick with this, this is great!

#### SASHA

That's *way* too much of a tug. 

#### BERTIE

_(offended)_ W-what does a tug feel like to you? 

#### SASHA

Like this!

#### LYDIA

I tug his arm. 

#### BERTIE

That is a rubbish tug! 

##### [CACKLING]

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ I'm cutting back to Zolf!

##### [LAUGHTER FADES DOWN A LITTLE]

Okay Zolf, you break surface and, yeah, you're in a much, much larger sort of like a holding tank or something similar. It's maybe 30 feet across, it looks like there's walking paths on either side that you could swim to, but it's gonna be a bit of a tough swim lugging whatever you're carrying. 

#### BEN

Better than being in the thing! Do the tough swim. 

#### ALEX

Give me the Swim check.

#### BEN

I'll go to the left.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Thir -- no, 12, sorry. 

#### ALEX

Twelve? The weight of the thing is stopping you swimming, it's starting to pull you back down. 

#### BEN

Stepping Stone underneath me. 

#### ALEX

Okay, that's fine. 

#### BRYN

I'll start calling out... not like super loud, but just -- "Zolf? Zoooolf?" 

#### JAMES

Don't you have your special magic-y brain walkie-talkie -- 

#### ALEX

He has to have done it ahead of time.

#### JAMES

Ah.

#### BRYN

I'll be able to see someone, because... 

#### BEN

There would have been so many good things we could have done. But we didn't. 

#### LYDIA

We were in a rush to save your life! 

#### BEN

No, no, no, no, I'm saying when I jumped in!

#### LYDIA

Ah, yes.

#### BEN

I could have tied a rope round myself, could have done the walkie talkie thing, just in case anything went wrong, loads of stuff. Didn't do any of that. I just jumped in. 

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ So, yeah, Zolf, you hear coming out of the tube, something similar to --

##### [ALEX MAKES EXTENDED 'AURRRR' AND OTHER BURBLING SOUNDS]

#### BEN

Someone's playing a didgeridoo up there!

##### [SNICKERS]

#### LYDIA

_(warningly)_ *Bertie...* 

#### BEN

So, I will... okay, so, basically lie down on the disk, one arm round the thing, and then just paddling myself. 

#### ALEX

Okay. 

#### BRYN

Like the last bit in Titanic! 

#### BEN

Yes! _(in a hiss)_ Don't let go.

##### [WATER NOISES FADE SLIGHTLY]

#### SASHA

No, that definitely felt like a tug. That was a tug. Don't you think that was a tug? 

#### BERTIE

I don't think it felt like a tug! 

#### SASHA

But your tugs are *weird.* 

#### BERTIE

*Your* tugs are weird! You have the weirdest tugs. You have the tugs of a tiny lady.

##### [ALEX CACKLES]

#### SASHA

Your tugs are like... a falcon that's -- half-broken wing, like... 

#### BERTIE

When was the last time you were ever tugged by a falcon with half a wing?! 

#### ALEX

*And cut to!* Hamid, you've made it to the end of the pipe. 

#### BRYN

I'll lean out, over the edge. 

#### ALEX

You're about 30 foot in the air, and there's just a gentle stream of stuff flowing past you into it. You get a much better view, obviously, I skimmed the description for Zolf because _(laughing a little)_ he was occupied. You see a large, almost think of it as an underground lake, it's 30 feet across, and disappearing into the distance there is a bit of haze...

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

But, certainly at least, like 100 feet. And there's railings to either side and what look like other side tunnels where the sort of -- lake, we'll call it, is draining off, multiple leading off into the distance. So, there's a *gentle* flow of the stuff out towards the edges. You see floating upon it, is obviously Zolf with his disk holding a big lump of something, and the flow is actually helping. Looking up briefly you see a large vaulted ceiling. It's very, very functional? But, at the same, its good workmanship. They've not like, done a bad job, but it doesn't need to be particularly fancy. 

#### HAMID

Zolf? Zolf!

#### ZOLF

Oh, hi, yeah. 

#### HAMID

Are you alright? 

#### ZOLF

I'm fine, I'm fine. I've had worse. I got the thing. 

#### HAMID

Good? I guess -- are you going to be able to get out? 

#### ZOLF

Well, have a look to see if you can find any ways up... maybe a ladder or something. 

#### ALEX

Honestly, it looks like no-one's meant to be coming out of this pipe. It's a pipe that juts out of a wall. Looking to your left and right you see... 10, maybe 20 other such pipes dotted around, other parts of the wall, it's just a drainage system. They don't often expect people to be going through the pipes.

#### BRYN

How much slack is there in the rope behind us? 

#### ALEX

There's nearly 10 foot of slack still, and it's stopped reeling out. 

#### HAMID

I don't know if I... I can find a way to get you up, I might have to go and get more rope. 

#### ZOLF

That's fine, I can wait. 

#### HAMID

Okay. I'll -- I'll be back soon!

#### ZOLF

Sure. 

##### [UNDERGROUND LAKE SOUNDS ARE REPLACED BY FLOWING WATER SOUNDS]

#### BRYN

I'll start climbing back up, just to, just at least get round the corner, so that they don't... you know, if I tug on the rope, they don't just like pull me back and bash me against the sides. 

#### ALEX

Sure, give me a Climb check? 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

Nineteen, plus 1... 20. 

#### ALEX

Okay, it's a really hard climb and, its slick... The thing that basically stops you from just shooting out, was that corner. Because it levelled out enough for a while that you got to lose some speed. But it's very slick, it's designed to keep you moving. You manage to sort of brace your hands and really, awkwardly, get yourself up. Like, you almost just slip and end up falling out but you manage to *just* make it up onto the slightly level bit, before you sort of stop. 

##### [NOISES CHANGE BACK TO SURFACE NOISES AGAIN]

#### BRYN

Okay. 

#### SASHA

_(decisive)_ We are pullin' him. He has been down there longer than anyone can hold it, and he's got tiny lungs. They're like well tiny. We've *got* to pull him out. 

#### BERTIE

He does have the lungs of a tiny little boy. Alright, very well.

#### JAMES

And I start to tug and pull. 

#### ALEX

Sure. And give me one Strength check. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

Three, plus 3, so that's 6. 

#### ALEX

Six. Honestly, right you're that light. It's the difference between you just making easy work of it and... it feels like you're probably pulling against resistance from the pipe, maybe around the corner or something, but you are managing to pull out... slowly, you're... _(mimics grunts of effort)_

Obviously from Hamid's point of view there's a sudden _(imitates grunt sound)_ like yank around the waist and, yeah, if you're gonna climb up -- it's very clear that if he wasn't climbing you wouldn't be able to help him up... just mechanically, and similarly, if you... basically both of you are only just going to make this. 

#### JAMES

Yes. Between your good climb and my appalling... 

#### ALEX

Yeah, basically. 

#### BRYN

You weakling!

#### BEN

It's that broken wing. 

#### JAMES

Someone's been on the pies! 

#### ALEX

Anyway, time passes, eventually Zolf makes it to the side of the lake and Hamid makes it to the top of the pipe. 

#### BRYN

Oh, I'll get -- I'll let you pull me out the basin as well. 

#### ALEX

It's slick, it's quite difficult, so... yeah. 

#### HAMID

_(explaining to Sasha and Bertie)_ Okay, the basin has a pipe, the pipes will go round a couple of corners and then there's... it shoots out into this huge, like, vault-like cavern, which is like, almost an underground lake. So Zolf's about 30 foot from the bottom of this pipe.

#### ALEX

I should point out by the way... Hamid *stinks.* 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

*Pungently* stinks. 

#### LYDIA

_(snickering)_ We are standing so far away we don't hear him. 

#### BERTIE

Hamid, it's fine we can hear from over here, just project! 

#### BRYN

_(resigned)_ I cast Prestidigitation. 

#### ALEX

Yep, that's fine. This one takes a bit longer, it's a bit ingrained. We'll say that as he's finishing the conversation, there's still a hanky just _(makes repetitive squeaking sound)_ pulling out one of the last of his earhole.

#### SASHA

So like, was there more of the... was there more of the shiny man in the vault? 

#### HAMID

We don't know. It's *pretty* big. It will be difficult to find that out, I think. 

#### BERTIE

Well, we have two options I suppose, either we try and haul Zolf out, or we follow him down there. 

#### HAMID

I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think there's gonna be many ways out of this huge vault area... I couldn't see a way out at all. I think if I go back down with a *second* rope...

##### [BOTH SASHA AND BERTIE ARE OBVIOUSLY DELIGHTED AT THE CHANCE TO NOT JUMP INTO POO]

#### SASHA

Very well volunteered, I think that's --

#### BERTIE

Good man! 

#### SASHA

Good man!

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BERTIE

Well, well done. Very well done. 

#### SASHA

I think that's a great plan. 

#### BERTIE

That's an excellent plan. All those in favour? 

#### SASHA

Aye! 

#### JAMES

Raise hands. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, we're both... yep.

#### HAMID

I mean most of it's drained out now... so it's not as if it's underwater anymore. So it's not too big of a problem --

#### SASHA

So that's fine -- excellent --

#### BERTIE

Excellent. Good for you, then, isn't it? 

#### SASHA

Great, enjoy that, I'm glad it'll be good. 

#### BERTIE

Go team.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS HIGH-PITCHEDLY]

#### HAMID

So, yeah. Don't... this time I-I'll give a really clear signal, I'll do a triple tug, quick, like this.

#### BRYN

I sort of demonstrate. 

#### BERTIE

You see, that's what a tug feels like! 

#### SASHA

That's not like anything like you showed me!

#### BERTIE

That is *totally* what a tug feels like...


#### SASHA

No it isn't!

#### BERTIE

That's totally what I did. 

#### BRYN

_(sighing)_ I grab another piece of rope... 

#### ALEX

Presumably tie it off, and then... or tie it to itself. 

#### BRYN

Yeah, so, I'll create a loop and I'm gonna tie it to the piece of rope that's tied to me. Cause I'm not going to be able to pull Zolf up. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah. 

#### BRYN

So I just need to create a single... a link, basically. 

#### ALEX

Okay. And presumably head back down? 

#### BRYN

Head back down. 

#### ALEX

I'll just leave you... like there's this squabbling happening and so forth. 

#### BRYN

I've now demonstrated the tug signal, that I will give if I want to be pulled back up. And it's complicated enough that I won't accidentally replicate it! 

#### ALEX

Okay, cutting to Zolf. The Stepping Stone has made it sort of to the edge of the vault, and yeah, you're... it's pretty much level cause it floats a little bit above the liquid. It's pretty much level with the edge and you'd be crawling in underneath a railing, but it's a very easy transfer. 

#### BEN

So I'll pop the, pop the large object through first... 

#### ALEX

It clangs.

#### BEN

Yep, and then roll in. Just sit for a moment, be like, _(thoughtful)_ "well, that was unpleasant!"

##### [SNICKERS]

And... just sort of take a look around from my perspective, see anything that's gonna help me while I'm waiting for Hamid to come back. 

#### ALEX

The walkway... you're right near, up against the wall that you came out of. The walkway just stops in a ladder that leads up and then to a higher walkway so that you can cross from one side to the other... cause there's a walk on either side of this vault. In the opposite direction, away from when you came in, it disappears amongst sort of haze and gloom... there's not very good lighting, there's no torches or anything.

#### BEN

I've got darkvision. 

#### ALEX

Oh, have you got complete darkvision? 

#### BEN

I'll doublecheck but I think dwarves --

#### ALEX

Oh, of course, yeah -- a dwarf! 

#### BEN

Darkvision, well, it's within 60 foot. 

#### ALEX

Within 60 foot... yeah. So, within 60 foot everything that I've said is as is, it does still disappear into gloom at the other end. But what there is, is there are a couple of light wells, dotted above the liquid. So there's the faint outline of a far wall, eventually, but it's very distant. Cause, darkvision's a bit strange, it doesn't actually mean that you're spectacular at seeing, like if it's dark over a longer distance it's kind of a moot point?

#### BEN

Yeah, yeah, sure. 

#### ALEX

Okay. Coming back to Hamid, you make it down the pipe again... 

#### BRYN

To the edge of the pipe again. 

#### ALEX

And yeah, you're at the edge of the pipe, it was a lot easier knowing what to expect, you can control yourself, again with the rope and so on. 

#### HAMID

_(calling out))_ Zolf? 

#### ZOLF

Yep. 

#### HAMID

Are there any other ways out, or are you going to try and climb back up here? I've brought a rope. 

#### ZOLF

Well, let's get -- this thing back. Just throw the rope down, attached to you obviously. 

#### HAMID

Okay. 

#### ZOLF

Swing it over like a pendulum, I'll catch it.

#### BRYN

I do so.

#### ALEX

It takes a few tries, you manage. 

#### BEN

Cool. I am going to tie the rope to the object, using a criss-cross pattern cause I'm aware that it is a sphere, hopefully using my profession as Sailor, I'd be good at knotwork. 

#### BRYN

_(advertising voice)_ You can tie good knots, yeah. 

#### ALEX

I'm not even gonna get you to do a roll. 

#### BEN

Oh fine. 

#### ALEX

Years of sailing, course you tie a knot. 

#### BEN

So, yeah, tie it, kind of like a package, so that it won't slip out, and --

#### ZOLF

Hoist that up! 

#### BRYN

I give the tug signal.

#### JAMES

And I try and pull him up!

#### ALEX

It's not gonna be, it's not gonna be quick work -- 

#### BRYN

Given that this is gonna take a while anyway, if it were just like, taking 20...

##### [UNDERGROUND LAKE SOUNDS AGAIN GIVE AWAY TO FLOWING PIPE SOUNDS]

#### ALEX

Sure, yeah, yeah. Just to explain to listeners, what Bryn's referring to there is something we call "taking 10," or "taking 20." So taking 10 is where, you're going to be doing a job and there's no pressure of failure and... you can take your time to focus on it. 

#### BRYN

Yeah, you can't be... like, rushed. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah. And the idea is that you will... basically take the average of your normal rolls, so, in things like Appraise for Sasha, its, it's where it'll becomes useful... because it just saves us doing roll after roll after roll when actually you're not trying to do something particularly difficult. And taking 20 is sort of the extreme version of that. It takes a long time; it assumes you fail a lot...

#### BRYN

Yeah, you know you're gonna fail. 

#### ALEX

But, eventually, you get the best possible result that you are capable of doing. So, if you were an artist and you had Profession: Artist, you can take 20 to make your work of art. And it will take you know, 6 months instead of a week. 

#### BRYN

Yeah, and you produce... you know, several ugly, ugly, terrible things. 

#### ALEX

Oh, you'd have terrible horrible abominations... and then a... 

#### BRYN

But *one masterpiece.* 

#### LYDIA

"I rolled a 3, it looks like a frog."

#### ALEX

And it's saving us doing, yeah, 400 rolls of 600 permutations of frogs, and all that. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. 

#### ALEX

So yeah, we'll say that you take 10, because that's sufficient.

##### [FLOWING WATER SOUNDS ARE REPLACED AGAIN BY SURFACE WATER SOUNDS]

You guys get up and get the... the thing, the device, whatever we call it -- the blob. We get that up, pull it up, and you get to the basin and manage to pull it up, and dump it on the side. 

#### BRYN

_(very tired)_ And then I go back down and do the same for Zolf. 

#### SASHA

Well volunteered, good team. 

#### BERTIE

Good team. Good team.

#### SASHA

Good team, good team. A good choice has been made as a team. Good -- well done. 

#### JAMES

Yeah. 

#### BRYN

_(very tired)_ And we take 20 again! 

#### ALEX

Yeah, you can take the 10, this time. 

#### BEN

Flash-forward, I climb over the basin.

#### ZOLF

*Please* for the love of everything, clean me up. 

#### BRYN

I cast --

#### ALEX

No, before we clean up Zolf, I think we're gonna end it there!

##### [SFX CUTS OUT]

#### BEN

Oh noooo! A whole week stinky! 

#### ALEX

Yeah, stinky week for Zolf. But yeah, we'll call it there. So, thanks for listening everyone, hope you had a good time and we look forward to seeing you again next week. 

#### LYDIA

Bye. 

#### EVERYONE

Bye! 

#### LYDIA

Ewww, smelly. 

#### BEN

Oh, sorry.

##### [Show Theme - Outro] 

#### ALEX

*Rusty Quill Gaming* is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today's episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening. 

------

#### JAMES

_(singsong)_ I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here's my -- _(hesitates)_ handle --

#### BEN

_(simultaneously)_ Meat golems.

##### [ALEX BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]

It's in my head.

#### JAMES

Alright, good.

#### ALEX

I've never known someone to have meat golems in their head before. 

#### LYDIA

They're the ones that pump the -- pump the... valves! In your brain.

#### ALEX

Oh!

#### BEN

_(laughing)_ The meat golems? 

#### LYDIA

Yeah! Don't you know *anything* about biology?

#### JAMES

Like the numbskulls?

#### ALEX

The new Pixar film, the whole one inside people's brains, is gonna be a lot darker than I thought! 

#### BEN

Yeah, it's actually a body horror film.

------

#### ALEX

And hello again. Welcome to the Rusty Gaming Quill Pill -- Pull -- Plo --

#### LYDIA

You can do this.

##### [Alex gives up entirely and starts making musical noises that start with P]

#### JAMES

Ten seconds of silence! Silence in the courtyard, silence in the street. Biggest twit in England is just about to do something he's gonna need to edit himself out of later.

##### [ALEX GROANS]

------

#### BEN

You find your long-lost aunt inside the...

##### [LAUGHTER]

_(high-pitched)_ "Hello, Bertie!" 

#### LYDIA

"I'm blocking(?) you down there!"

#### JAMES

Bertie quietly drops the gauntlet back into the -- 

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

"Shh! Shh!"

#### ALEX

It'll be over soon. 

#### JAMES

It's a very grim dark reimagining of the Jeeves and Wooster series. 

#### ALEX

He's just killing off his maiden aunts! 

#### JAMES

Seriously, gritty reboot of Jeeves and Wooster, where Bertie Wooster just goes around *killing* his maiden aunts because they're annoying him and he's the sole heir. 

#### LYDIA

If he's played by Robert Downey Jr I'd watch it. 

#### JAMES

That is -- that's such a good idea! That's such a good idea. 

#### ALEX

Aw, yeah!