Inexplicables -- E03 -- Public Speaking 

#### INEXPLICABLES

By Tom Critch and Alexander J Newall Episode 3 -- Public Speaking Content Warnings:

["Strong language", "Addiction & recovery", "Alcohol & alcoholism", "Arguments (inc shouting)", "Manipulation", "Social anxiety & panic attacks", "Vicarious embarrassment", "Victim blaming & dehumanisation", "Sexual references", "Discussions of: discrimination, substance abuse, poverty & homelessness, romantic rejection", "Mentions of: vehicular accident, dementia, police & arrests, food, injury, parental death & funerals, violence", "SFX: ringing, crying"]

#### ICS, TOILETS -- MORNING

#### HAROLD

_(muffled, distressed)_ Monsters! They're all monsters! 

##### [SHUHELA SOFTLY SHUSHES, TRYING TO CALM HIM DOWN]

#### SHUHELA

It's alright...

#### HAROLD

_(muffled)_ I just -- And then -- then with the teeth... Ah, the teeth! 

##### [HAROLD WHIMPERS/SOBS]

#### SHUHELA

I, I know love, I know. It's a lot to process. 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES; FOOTSTEPS]

#### FRANK

Shuhela? What's --

#### HAROLD

_(muffled)_ Mum dying is a lot to process. People trying to rip me off, that's a lot to process. But this? This is --

#### SHUHELA

I-I-It's okay, Frank. We're just having a little bit of a wobble, aren't we Harold? 

##### [KNOCKING ON CUBICLE DOOR]

##### [HAROLD WHIMPERS]

#### FRANK

He's locked himself in the bogs? 

#### SHUHELA

Yeah... 

#### FRANK

Why? 

#### SHUHELA

It's my fault. He's been so interested in everything, I thought it might be good if he met Len and some of the others before their session. 

#### FRANK

_(wearily)_ Ah... Shuhela... 

#### SHUHELA

He said he was ready! 

#### FRANK

Ah, and you believed him? 

#### SHUHELA

_(to Harold)_ Just open the door, eh, love? Open the door and we can sit down, and have a nice cuppa, and talk it out, yeah?

#### HAROLD

_(muffled)_ No! I'm never coming out! 

#### FRANK

What happened? 

#### SHUHELA

Well... 

------

##### [FLASHBACK TRANSITION]

#### SHUHELA

So, before you all get started, I just wanted to introduce everyone to... Harold.

#### VAMPIRES (UNISON)

_(disinterestedly)_ Hi, Harold. 

#### HAROLD

Hello. 

#### SHUHELA

And so we thought it might be a good idea for him to start meeting some more of the gang. Maybe sit in on the, uh, start of today's open, if everyone is okay with that? 

##### [THE VAMPIRES MURMUR, NONCOMMITTALLY BUT BROADLY AMENABLE]

#### HAROLD

Great. 

##### [CHAIRS SCRAPE]

#### SHUHELA

Ooh, thanks everyone. I'll just stick around for a bit and make sure everyone's settled in. 

#### HAROLD

You'll hardly know I'm here. 

#### SHUHELA

Great, so --

#### HAROLD

_(joking)_ Because I'm a ghost. 

...

What? 

#### SHUHELA

So, Len, why don't you take it from here?

_(aside, to Harold)_ Len is the vampire support group rep. They've been talking about issues around anonymity, really deep stuff. 

#### HAROLD

Of course they have. 

#### LEN

Right then. First, I'd like to welcome everyone to today's session. It's, uh, it's good to see some new faces, vamps, friends and family and that and, uh... Harold obviously. Well, anyway, who'd like to start? 

...

Cheers, Suzy. 

#### SUZY

Hey. Yeah, so, um, I don't want to speak for everyone. We've all got our own personal journeys and that, but I'm just... tired of people not even acknowledging that I'm there. Like, I know this only works if we all keep a low profile, loved ones too, anonymous solidarity and all that. But these days, lying low feels like way more than just staying out of trouble. I might as well be literally invisible, you know? 

##### [MURMURED ASSENT FROM THE VAMPIRES]

#### HAROLD

Hmm. Yeah, yeah, like with chuggers. 

#### LEN

What's that, Harold? 

#### HAROLD

Chuggers. You know, 'charity muggers?' Those hippies that stand on corners and get all up in your grill about sea turtles or other stuff. It's a total scam. I mean they're all on commission, you know. Whenever I see one coming I just cross the road, fake a phone call or something. 

#### SUZY

_(bemused)_ Yeah... Right, um... 

#### SHUHELA

Uh, th-thank you for that, Harold, but, um, let's try not to interrupt in the future, alright love? 

#### HAROLD

If you say so. 

#### LEN

You were saying, Suzy? 

#### SUZY

Er, no. No, it's fine. I was basically finished anyway. 

#### LEN

If you're sure. 

##### [PAPER RUSTLING]

So, Robbie, you mentioned something interesting last time that I thought we could return to. All about accepting differences before we can manage them. Do you want to speak on that a bit more? 

#### ROBBIE

I mean, yeah, basically, it's just, like, we don't just have to stay dry, we have to fake being normal, and look all 'together' on top, y'know? And it's like, you've got to cut yourself some slack cos it's hard enough without beating yourself up about always being perfect, y'know? 

##### [MORE MURMURED ASSENT]

I don't know... it's like, I'm already using all my energy not to just fall back and get fucking wasted, never mind all the extra stuff. 

#### HAROLD

Mmm, yeah. I totally know where you're coming from. 

#### LEN

Harold, I realise that you're trying to be helpful and relate, but I really think you might want to just listen for this session, alright? 

#### SHUHELA

Yes, Harold love, let's not -- 

#### HAROLD

No, no, no, honestly, I-I've been there. Okay. We all have had those days where you just want to cut loose, and you get carried away, and the next day you remember everything you did, and you're like, 'Gargh!' Oh, and the hangovers, am I right? 

#### ROBBIE

Is this a joke to you, mate? 

#### LEN

Okay. Why don't we all just take a moment and -- 

#### ROBBIE

I was nicking offcuts from the butchers just to get by, and you sit there pretending like you have any idea -- 

#### HAROLD

No, no, hey, I-I'm just saying that, that a bit of willpower and you can just overcome -- 

##### [ROBBIE HISSES, LEAPING FOR HAROLD, KNOCKING CHAIRS OVER]

##### [SUZY INTERCEPTS AND STRUGGLES WITH ROBBIE]

#### SUZY

It's alright, Robbie! 

#### SHUHELA

Okay, Harold, time to go! 

#### SUZY

Leave him! 

#### HAROLD

What's wrong with his eyes? Oh god! His teeth! 

##### [ROBBIE CONTINUES TO SNARL WHILE STRUGGLING AGAINST RESTRAINT]

#### LEN

_(calmingly)_ Come on, Robbie, you've been making proper progress. Don't let some stupid arsehole ruin it, alright? Just focus on the breathing, yeah? In... 

#### SUZY

_(struggling)_ He's just ignorant! It, it isn't worth it! 

#### LEN

...and out... 

#### ROBBIE

_(panting)_ He needs... to learn... 

#### SUZY

That's right! You're bang on, look, he does, yes --

#### LEN

...and in... 

#### SUZY

Yeah. But this isn't how we show them they're wrong, is it, Robbie? Come on. Come on now, you've got this. 

#### LEN

...and out... 

##### [ROBBIE'S BREATHING EVENS OUT, WITH A SNARL HE RESUMES HIS SEAT]

#### SHUHELA

Okay, right, well, thank you Len. Good job everyone! Woo. I'll just, uh, I'll help Harold up and take him for some fresh air. You all carry on... 

------

##### [FLASH FORWARD TO]

#### FRANK

What were you expecting? 

#### SHUHELA

I had no idea he thought we were messing with him! 

#### FRANK

He hasn't believed any of it. He thought we were scammers. 

#### SHUHELA

_(indignant)_ Who? Me and you? And Cressida? 

#### FRANK

Mmmhmm. 

#### SHUHELA

_(realising)_ Nooooo... But -- but how? I mean, he's seen all the -- Oh dear, I didn't realise... Oh, okay... 

#### FRANK

_(calling)_ Harold! It's Frank.

#### HAROLD

_(muffled)_ You stay out! 

#### FRANK

Harold, you can't just hide in the bog all day.

#### HAROLD

_(muffled)_ Yes I can! 

#### FRANK

Fine! You stay here. Enjoy the smell. 

#### SHUHELA

We can't just leave him! 

#### FRANK

_(exaggeratedly)_ You heard him, we should just leave him here. 

#### SHUHELA

Frank! 

#### FRANK

_(exaggeratedly)_ Completely alone. 

##### [CUBICLE UNLOCKS, FOOTSTEPS]

#### SHUHELA

_(gently)_ Ohhh, hello, love. 

#### HAROLD

_(shaken)_ He tried to bite me. 

#### SHUHELA

But he didn't. Did he? 

#### FRANK

You got him riled up. It's just his natural response to a threat. 

#### HAROLD

"Natural"?! There was nothing "natural" about him! 

#### FRANK

If you'd taken him seriously to begin with, he wouldn't have come at you like that. He's pretty young, and you pushed his buttons. 

#### HAROLD

Oh, so it's my fault he nearly tore my throat out, is it? 

#### FRANK

Pretty much. 

#### SHUHELA

No, love, if it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I should have explained all this to you before we went in there. 

#### HAROLD

You can't let a thing like that walk the streets! It'll kill someone! 

#### SHUHELA

_(stern)_ They're not "things," Harold! They're still people, just like you. They just have a condition. 

#### HAROLD

They're not the same as us! Shuhela, they're not the same at all! 

#### FRANK

No, you're right. Because at least we get to live in a world that accepts we even exist. 

#### SHUHELA

Our job is to help them keep their lives together. That's what your Mum spent her whole life trying to do! 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES]

#### SUZY

_(cautiously)_ How are we doing in here? Ooohh, that is a smell. 

##### [HAROLD SHRIEKS AND SHUTS HIMSELF IN CUBICLE AGAIN]

Oh. I see. 

#### SHUHELA

Ah, he-he'll be alright. 

##### [FRANK SNORTS]

#### SUZY

Sure. May I? 

##### [FOOTSTEPS AND GENTLE DOOR KNOCKING]

_(calling)_ Harold? Harold, its Suzy. 

##### [HAROLD WHIMPERS]

Robbie asked me to come in and apologise for him, since you probably don't want to see him right now. He shouldn't have reacted like that, okay? He was out of order, and, and he's sorry. He's working on it. 

...

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let you know. If you ever have any questions about this... stuff or whatever, I'm around.

#### HAROLD

_(muffled, meekly)_ Yeah. 

##### [HAROLD COUGHS, THEN IN DEEPER VOICE]

Yeah, okay. 

#### SUZY

_(surprised)_ Uh. Oh. Uh... alright, good. Well... I'll leave you to it then. Look after yourself, Harold. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS BACKING OFF]

#### SHUHELA

You were an absolute star out there, my love. You should be proud. 

#### FRANK

Well done. 

#### SUZY

_(awkward at praise)_ I, uh, right, yes. Uh, anyway, I'll, I'll come round later if it's still okay for me to borrow that charger? 

#### SHUHELA

Of course, love. You know where to find me. 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES]

#### SHUHELA

_(calling)_ She's gone now, love. 

##### [HAROLD EMERGES]

#### HAROLD

_(shaky)_ I just. I thought all this was, y'know, like a scam and, and --

#### FRANK

No, it's not. 

#### HAROLD

No. 

#### SHUHELA

No. 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES]

#### CRESSIDA

Here you all are. What on earth are you doing huddling in here? I -- Goodness Harold, are you alright? 

#### HAROLD

Yeah. Uh... I'm fine. Everything is fine. 

#### SHUHELA

Just a bit of a wobble, nothing to worry about. 

#### CRESSIDA

A... "wobble"? 

#### HAROLD

I do not "wobble"! I'm fine! Can we just... move on, please? 

#### CRESSIDA

Certainly. I have news: we've finally got a date for the acquisition meeting. The council contacted me this morning. They wanted to see us this Friday, 10am sharp. 

#### SHUHELA

Ooh, fantastic! 

#### HAROLD

Acquisition of what? 

#### CRESSIDA

We are going to make a pitch for why we should officially acquire St Mark's Church. Friday at 10am, we tell the council why we are better suited to owning St Mark's and its grounds than anyone else. As you can clearly see, and, uh, _(sniffs)_ smell... this building is not exactly in the best repair, and we are running out of room for all the... services we provide. So, a change of location is needed. 

#### SHUHELA

So what about Iris's speech? She wrote pages and pages about the whole shebang. 

#### CRESSIDA

Well, I had thought Harold might want to do that. 

#### HAROLD

Me? 

#### FRANK

Him? 

#### CRESSIDA

Yes. This could be Harold's chance to begin representing ICS as its new co-CEO, to tell the people in power that we're the only ones with a practical solution to the inexplicables left on the streets, and that we need a larger premises to enact it. What do you think? 

#### HAROLD

Oh. Well, uh, naturally, I'm flattered, but... I'm not sure I'm the one to -- I know nothing about the project, I don't even know what --

#### SHUHELA

We can talk you through it! We've got four whole days and all of Iris's notes. It'll be a fantastic chance for you to build some bridges! 

#### HAROLD

Oh, I don't know... 

#### FRANK

It'll keep you safe in the office for a while. 

#### HAROLD

Oh. Well. I mean, I'll do it if it needs to be done, but -- 

#### CRESSIDA

Excellent. 

#### SHUHELA

Oh, I'm sure you'll be brilliant, love. 

#### FRANK

Mmmm. 

------

##### [CLOCK TICKING, THEN STARTS CHIMING]

#### MEREDITH

Oh, for fuck's sake. 

##### [MEREDITH SIGHS, PULLS OUT PHONE AND DIALS; RINGTONE, THEN...]

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

Hello? 

#### MEREDITH

Hello handsome! Have you had an accident in the last three months because of some dipshit back seat driver?

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

Who is this? 

#### MEREDITH

Oh shit, uh... Sorry, wrong number.

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

Meredith? 

#### MEREDITH

Wait. Godbolt?

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

Oh, hey! I didn't realise. Uh, how did you get my number?

#### DENISE (TELEPHONE, DISTANT)

He just needs a little more backbone. 

#### MEREDITH

Oh, you know me, international lady of mystery and all that

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

_(aside)_ Shhh now, just a minute. _(to Meredith)_ Uh, what did you say, sorry? 

#### MEREDITH

I said I'm an international -- Forget it, it's not funny.

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

Alright. 

#### MEREDITH

So... who was that on the phone?

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

Oh that's, uh... that's no-one. What's up? 

#### MEREDITH

Well, I... just checked my diary and apparently my very important call with the Hong Kong investors was just rescheduled by one of my PAs, meaning I have a free afternoon. Maybe you fancy a cheeky catch-up? Drinks? Me actually staying conscious this time?

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

Oh, uh... well... 

#### DENISE (TELEPHONE, DISTANT)

He was the same at school. Never spoke to anyone. 

#### MEREDITH

Oh. You with someone?

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

What? No. _(Aside)_ Shh, please, I-I'll be there in a minute.

#### DENISE (TELEPHONE, DISTANT)

Saw doctor after doctor. Fat lot of good it did. 

#### MEREDITH

Is... Is, is everything all right?

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

Hmm? What? Oh yeah, everything's great. 

#### MEREDITH

I mean, hey, if you're with someone then it's not a big deal, I'll just --

#### DENISE (TELEPHONE, DISTANT)

Is that Nick? Say hi to him! Hiiii, baby boy

####  GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

No I'm -- H-Hang on, I'll, I'll just go outside. 

#### MEREDITH

Actually, you know what? It's fine.

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

No! Wait, just let me explain. 

#### MEREDITH

I said it's fine.

#### GODBOLT (TELEPHONE)

Meredith... 

#### MEREDITH

Say 'Hi' to Nick for me. 

##### [PHONE BEEPS AS IT IS CUT OFF]

#### MEREDITH

Urgh. Stupid. Stupid, fucking stupid! You never call them back! 

##### [THROWS PHONE, HITS SOMETHING THAT SMASHES, THE CLOCK CHIMES]

Ohhh... damn it! 

------

##### [HAROLD IS TYPING AT THE COMPUTER]

#### HAROLD

'The Oxford English Dictionary defines community as...' 

##### [MUCH BACKSPACING]

No... 'Ever since the dawn of Man, when Man first saw Man and then... met Man... and...' Oh man... 

##### [MUCH BACKSPACING]

'Hey there! My name's Harold and I'm here with an amazing --' 

##### [MUCH BACKSPACING]

Sounds like a bloody ad... 

##### [TYPING]

#### CALI-BIGMAN (VIDEO)

Wwwwhat is up my dudes! This is Cali-Bigman, and today we're gonna be looking at my personally approved Top Ten List for absolute public speaking domination! As always, though, before we start, make sure to smash that Like button, smash the Subscribe button and ring-a-ling that bell for all of my latest self-improvement vids! Now, let's get straight into it!

Now, research has shown that the fear of public speaking ranks even higher than the fear of spiders, even higher than the fear of heights and, get this, even higher than the fear of death! So it's not surprising that a whole bunch of you have commented asking for my help --

##### [HAROLD'S PHONE RINGS; VIDEO PAUSES WITH A CLICK]

##### [HAROLD TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND EXHALES, BEFORE ANSWERING]

#### HAROLD

Harold Stonewell.

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

Harold, its John Belfrage. 

#### HAROLD

John, hi, yeah, I've been meaning to call you back.

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

Are you available this Monday at 9 o'clock? 

#### HAROLD

Oh, um, I'm not sure, I haven't got my diary in front of me... Can you remind me what it's regarding?

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

I've spoken to Rajshree. We need you to come to Endeavour Square so you have a chance to put your side across to the investigation. 

#### HAROLD

Investigation? _(snorts)_ I'm not sure what exactly you think is going here, but --

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

I think we're looking at multiple instances of gross misconduct, including misappropriation of client funds, negligent investment into a fraudulent real estate scam, illegal international transfers --

#### HAROLD

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, hang on just a minute! _(adopts sad tone)_ As I've already explained, I recently lost my mother, and I'm really not in a fit emotional state to engage in this sort of conjecture --

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

Yes, you said. Except your "emotional state" hasn't stopped you from taking over her business, has it? 

#### HAROLD

I'm sorry?

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

I have been reliably informed that you're now CEO for her business in... Gravesby. That is correct, isn't it? 

#### HAROLD

What!? No! No! Well... I'm acting purely in an advisory capacity, you see, I'm not drawing a wage, and I wouldn't --

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

I hope I don't need to remind you that taking such a position whilst under investigation would violate all kinds of protocols. 

#### HAROLD

Absolutely, I'd never dream of --

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

I think you should probably speak to your Legal Officer then. Because not only is she under the impression you're now Acting CEO of your mother's company, but she also seems to think you are making withdrawals from said company. 

#### HAROLD

What!? Jesus Christ! No, John, I did not instruct anyone to do anything like that!

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

Listen Harold, let's be honest with each other. You've mucked us around for long enough --

#### HAROLD

_(indignant)_ Mucked you around! John, my mother died! I had a funeral to organise, the transition of a business to oversee, and I've got a three-bedroom house to sell. I haven't had the time, frankly, to --

#### BELFRAGE (TELEPHONE)

Be here on Monday morning at 9am. Otherwise we're looking at an arrest. 

##### [BEEP AS BELFRAGE HANGS UP]

#### HAROLD

Shit. _(softly)_ Fucking... 

##### [FOOTSTEPS; DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

_(calling)_ Shuhela! Shuhela, have you got Cressida's mobile number? 

------

##### [DOORBELL RINGS AS BIRDS TWEET]

#### GODBOLT

_(calling)_ Meredith? 

##### [DOOR KNOCKING]

Are you there? It's me! 

##### [MORE DOOR KNOCKING]

#### MEREDITH (INSIDE)

What? 

#### GODBOLT

Meredith, you've got totally the wrong end of the stick.

#### MEREDITH (INSIDE)

Hey, none of my business what you get up to. You do you. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY]

##### [CREAK OF LETTERBOX OPENING]

#### GODBOLT

Come on! Meredith, just give me five minutes. Please? Meredith? 

##### [LETTERBOX SHUTS, GODBOLT SIGHS]

Fuck it. You know what? 

##### [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF ATTEMPTED DRAINPIPE CLIMBING AND EXERTION]

Ow. Ah! Ow! Fuck! Great idea, climbing the fu-- OW! 

##### [HEAVY FALL, LEAVES RUSTLE, FABRIC RIPS]

Aaaaah, fuck's sake... ow! Ow! 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES; FOOTSTEPS]

#### MEREDITH

You'd make a shit burglar. 

#### GODBOLT

_(pained)_ I think something just entered me. 

#### MEREDITH

Hot. 

#### GODBOLT

Look, Meredith... 

#### MEREDITH

It's fine, alright, none of my business who you're shagging. 

#### GODBOLT

Would you shut up for two damn seconds and listen? 

#### MEREDITH

One... Two... 

#### GODBOLT

That was my Aunt Denise on the phone. She's in a care home and I visit her when I can, because, well, she's not exactly firing on all cylinders, if you get me. 

#### MEREDITH

Sure, whatever. So who's Nick? 

#### GODBOLT

My cousin. Denise's son. Never visits her. Just a useless sack of shit, really. 

#### MEREDITH

Right. So... why did you come all the way here just to say that? 

#### GODBOLT

Oh. Well... I thought, well... I, I dunno, I, I thought you might be --

#### MEREDITH

What? Jealous? Don't flatter yourself, you're not all that. 

#### GODBOLT

_(cocky)_ Oh yeah? 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah. You're like, a 4. 5, tops. I've had much better offers. 

#### GODBOLT

Ouch. 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah. 

##### [LEAVES RUSTLE AS GODBOLT STRUGGLES WITH BUSH]

#### GODBOLT

No, I mean literally, ouch. This bush is really getting, ah... kinda, ah, intimate. Can you help me up please? 

#### MEREDITH

I really am a fucking saint, you know that, right? 

##### [MORE RUSTLING AS MEREDITH ASSISTS]

#### GODBOLT

Ow, ow, dammit. _(sighs)_ Who has roses by their front door? Oh fuck, these are my best jeans! 

#### MEREDITH

_(laughing)_ Oh shit! It's torn the arse out! Look at those cheeks! 

#### GODBOLT

Oh yeah, laugh it up. 

#### MEREDITH

Look, just get inside before you moon some poor granny or something. 

#### GODBOLT

It's not funny. Absolutely gutted, man, I love these jeans! 

##### [FOOTSTEPS; DOOR OPENS/CLOSES]

------

##### [SOUNDS OF A MODERATELY BUSY ITALIAN RESTAURANT THAT PROBABLY SERVES DECENT EGG PASTA]

#### CRESSIDA

Could you at least have some... wine? It's a bit less suspicious than just sitting there with an empty plate, watching me eat. 

#### LILY

Water's fine. Look, Cressida, I've got a call in thirty minutes, so -- 

#### CRESSIDA

Very well. Your little package is under the table. 

##### [CRINKLE OF PAPER]

#### LILY

Is it fresh? 

#### CRESSIDA

Does it really matter? Now, tell me. How are things looking at your end? 

##### [RUSTLING AS PACKAGE IS STOWED]

#### LILY

You've got the council for the entire morning session if you need it. 

#### CRESSIDA

Excellent. And is William likely to be gracing us with his presence? 

#### LILY

Well, I can't exactly just keep him locked up in his office. 

#### CRESSIDA

Sadly not. But he will need you to get him there, won't he? 

#### LILY

What are you suggesting? 

#### CRESSIDA

I'm suggesting that if he were to be, let's say, unavoidably detained in transit for the duration of the meeting, that would be very fortuitous for ICS. 

#### LILY

Cressida... 

##### [BACKGROUND DOOR OPENS/CLOSES; FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

#### CRESSIDA

It wouldn't need to be anything drastic, just a minor -- Oh... Harold... 

#### LILY

What? 

##### [ANGRY FOOTSTEPS]

#### HAROLD

Just what the hell do you think you're playing at? 

#### CRESSIDA

Lily, this is Harold Stonewell, Iris's son, and as of yesterday, her successor. Harold, Lily is William Allen's personal assistant. 

#### LILY

We've met. 

#### HAROLD

_(to Lily)_ Yes, hello again. _(to Cressida, loudly)_ Look, I don't know what you think you're playing at, but if you think for one moment that you can just -- 

##### [FOOTSTEPS]

#### WAITER

Is everything alright? 

#### CRESSIDA

It's lovely, thank you dear. Harold, do sit down. People are staring at you. 

#### WAITER

Would you like a menu, sir? 

#### HAROLD

What? No, I'm not--! I'm not staying long. 

##### [CHAIR SCRAPES AS HE SITS]

#### WAITER

Can I get you a drink then? 

#### HAROLD

No, thank you! 

##### [FOOTSTEPS]

#### LILY

I can leave you two if you wan--

#### CRESSIDA

_(to Lily)_ Nonsense. This will only take a moment. _(to Harold)_ Now Harold, anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of Lily. 

#### HAROLD

I -- Really? Fine. You had no business tipping off the FCA. 

#### CRESSIDA

Pardon me? 

#### HAROLD

John Belfrage! You told him I was taking over the business! 

#### CRESSIDA

You'll have to forgive me Harold, but you did suggest I get in contact with him. 

#### HAROLD

Yeah, well, I, w-- That's beside the point! 

#### CRESSIDA

And it's a good job I did. When you and Meredith announced you were taking over ICS, I had to do some due diligence in my capacity as Acting Legal Officer. 

#### HAROLD

Yes, alright, but that doesn't excuse going behind my --

#### CRESSIDA

You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that you were part of an investigation. And for fraud, no less. 

#### HAROLD

It's none of your bloody concern! 

#### CRESSIDA

Well, acting as both Legal and Financial Officer for ICS -- an organisation which you are now the newly appointed co-CEO of -- I'm afraid that it is very much my concern. With this in mind, I have notified the relevant authorities of your appointment as director. Furthermore, I am now informing you as your advisor that we should prepare you for the very real possibility of imminent criminal charges.

#### HAROLD

But I am as much a victim as any of my clients! 

#### CRESSIDA

_(dripping with 'sympathy')_ Of course you are. And as Legal Officer for ICS, I'm duty bound to assist you in proving that fact. But I can only do so from a place of perceived transparency. Do you understand? 

#### HAROLD

You -- _(sighs)_ Right. Yeah, I get it. Just... run things by me in future, okay? Especially where the FCA are concerned. Belfrage isn't an idiot. 

#### CRESSIDA

Noted. Now, I do need to mention that assisting you in these matters will be quite a drain on my time. As a result, I will need you to 'step-up' a bit more as CEO to help maintain the business. We are this close to securing St. Mark's, and finally being able to provide a real inexplicables shelter, but we can't do it without your invaluable help. 

#### HAROLD

Oh well, yes. O-Of course. Anything I can do. 

#### CRESSIDA

Excellent. I'm so pleased we had this talk, Harold. Now, please don't let me keep you any further. 

#### HAROLD

Right, yes. Uh. I need to go finish the speech, and uh... yeah. 

##### [CHAIR SCRAPES AS HE STANDS]

Nice meeting you, Lily. 

#### LILY

Likewise. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS DEPART; DOOR OPENS/CLOSES]

#### CRESSIDA

_(smiling)_ Oh, nervous little weasel, isn't he? 

#### LILY

William would eat him alive in a debate. 

#### CRESSIDA

Which is why we're going to have to think of something you can do, so that doesn't happen and our arrangement can continue. Aren't we, my dear? 

#### LILY

Apparently. 

------

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES; FOOTSTEPS, CHAIR RATTLES AS IT'S PUSHED AWAY]

#### GODBOLT

Wow. So this is what it looks like inside. Damn... 

#### MEREDITH

Oi, that's my business you're talking about. Bit of respect, yeah? 

##### [DOOR CREAKS; FOOTSTEPS]

#### GODBOLT

Business? Looks more like a shipwreck in here. 

#### SHUHELA

Evening, love! What are you doing up here so late? I was just locking up! 

##### [KEYS JANGLE]

_(to Godbolt)_ I'm Shuhela, nice to meet you. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS]

#### GODBOLT

Hi, Godbolt. I've heard a lot about you. 

#### MEREDITH

He's lying. I've told him literally nothing. 

#### SHUHELA

Oh, that's alright. He's just being polite, aren't you? Is she giving you the tour then? 

#### GODBOLT

_(slightly mocking)_ There's a tour! Goodness me, how exciting! 

#### MEREDITH

Give it a rest, you sarcastic prick. 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES; FOOTSTEPS]

#### SUZY

Hey Shuhela. Sorry, I'm so late, I got stuck in the traffic and --

#### SHUHELA

Suzy! Come say hello. This is Harold's sister, Meredith, and her friend... Godbolt? Is that right? 

#### SUZY

We've met. 

#### MEREDITH

_(recognising)_ Ohhhh! Hey. 

#### GODBOLT

Listen, forget this. Why don't we just hit that place I told you about, it's two-for-one until ten. 

#### MEREDITH

No, we, we just got here. 

#### GODBOLT

No. Yeah, I know but they're already locking up here anyway, so how about I get us a taxi, and we just go have ourselves a good time, yeah? 

#### MEREDITH

Well, I mean, I guess? If that's what y--

##### [DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS]

#### GODBOLT

Give me five minutes! 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES]

#### MEREDITH

Weird. 

#### SHUHELA

_(to Suzy)_ Ooh, she's done alright there, hasn't she? You didn't find him in Gravesby, did you? 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah, actually. Wild, I know. 

#### SHUHELA

Huh. Will wonders never cease. 

##### [AWKWARD SILENCE]

#### SUZY

So Shuhela, about that charger... 

#### SHUHELA

Oh right, yes! Of course love, back in a tick. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS; DOOR CREAKS]

#### MEREDITH

So... Frank said you're probably a... 

#### SUZY

Charity case? Yep, that's me. Vampire. Recovering, obviously. 

#### MEREDITH

Right. 

...

Tell you what, you scared the shit out of me climbing up that wall like that. 

#### SUZY

Yeah... about that... 

#### MEREDITH

It was awesome! 

#### SUZY

_(thrown)_ What? 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah, it was brilliant! And, like, your teeth were all, _[VAMPIRIC MOUTH SOUNDS]_ Absolutely fantastic. Ten out of ten! 

#### SUZY

Oh, well, thanks, I guess? 

#### MEREDITH

So, er, while I have you... can I ask you a couple of questions? About, you know, vamping? Vampiring? 

#### SUZY

_(unsure)_ Uh, sure. 

#### MEREDITH

Wicked. Okay so, first question. What's the deal with the garlic cos, like, I've never understood that? 

#### SUZY

Yeah, well, it's, um, not actually a thing. I quite like garlic bread. 

#### MEREDITH

Uh-huh. And daylight? 

#### SUZY

Stings your eyes a bit. Um, we just need to wear shades. 

#### MEREDITH

Okay, that's not so bad. And your teeth? Where do they... go? Y'know, when they're not all _[VAMPIRIC MOUTH SOUNDS]?_ 

#### SUZY

Ah-hah, well, they just sort of... retract. 

#### MEREDITH

Cool. Cool. Can you turn into a bat? 

#### SUZY

No. 

#### MEREDITH

Wolf? 

#### SUZY

No. 

#### MEREDITH

What about, like, a horde of rats? 

#### SUZY

_(chuckling)_ Oh yeah. We do that all the time for a laugh. 

#### MEREDITH

Really? 

#### SUZY

No. 

#### MEREDITH

Damn. 

#### SUZY

Sorry. 

#### MEREDITH

S'all right. So, I mean, the big question is, what, what about the blood-sucking stuff. Does it taste really good or...? 

##### [SUZY MAKES A SOFT SOUND OF AWKWARDNESS]

_(realising)_ Oh, hey, sorry. That, that was... that was shit of me. No, yeah, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just, um, you're the first one I've met, y'know? Forget about it, it's none of my business. You do you; no judgment here. 

#### SUZY

No... I mean, it's alright. Just... I wouldn't go around the ICS asking stuff like that. It gets pretty old when it's the only thing anyone ever wants to talk to you about. And... no-one owes you an explanation, yeah? 

#### MEREDITH

Gotcha. 

#### SUZY

Alright. So the blood thing is... hard to explain. I mean, it's not the stuff itself, like the smell or the taste or whatever... It's what it does to you. Like... You know when you just wanna get completely out of your head for whatever reason? Like, you just decide that screw it, tonight you are just going to wreck yourself? 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah, I know that. 

#### SUZY

Yeah, but then sometimes you can find that sweet spot where everything is just- just goes away for a bit, and you feel like... like everything is gravy for a while. 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah. 

#### SUZY

Yeah, it's like that. Times a million. 

#### MEREDITH

Doesn't sound so bad. 

#### SUZY

Mmhmm. And then you wake up. And you still have to deal with everything that made you drink in the first place, except it's all ten times worse because of all the shit you did the night before. And now you have to fix the things, twice as fast otherwise you're screwed. And it's just... you know... 

#### MEREDITH

Never-ending? 

#### SUZY

Yeah, exactly. And you, you can't take a moment to sort your shit out, because part of you knows that if you do, it'll be a lot worse than you're admitting. And then that moment of peace starts to feel really inviting again. And... yeah, well. 

#### MEREDITH

Changed my mind. That sounds proper shit. 

#### SUZY

It is. Was. But that was before. And now we're all keeping dry and keeping it together. And it's better when you have other people with you, so... yeah. 

#### MEREDITH

Cool. It's good you're getting help. Help is... good. Listen, you know what, I've been a total prick quizzing you on this --

#### SUZY

Forget about it. 

#### MEREDITH

No, I shouldn't have been so... yeah. Total prick. I'm sorry. 

#### SUZY

Okay. 

##### [DOOR CREAKS, FOOTSTEPS]

#### SHUHELA

Sorry about that, love. It's never where you leave it, right? Here you are. 

##### [ITEM CHANGES HANDS]

Everything alright out here? 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah. 

#### SUZY

More or less. 

#### SHUHELA

Oh, I am glad. For a moment there, I thought Mr Fabulous Arse would drive us apart! 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah, speaking of, where the hell has he gone? 

##### [GENERAL MOVEMENT AS SHUHELA LOCKS UP]

#### SUZY

Have you known him long? 

##### [FOOTSTEPS HEAD DOWN STAIRS]

#### MEREDITH

Godbolt? Nah, only a couple of days. He seems alright though. Why? He's not your ex or something, is he? 

#### SUZY

No... not Godbolt. Ah... just be careful with him, yeah? Don't let him lead you on. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS; DOOR OPENS/CLOSES]

#### MEREDITH

Well that's ominous. 

------

#### TOWN HALL, MEETING ROOM -- MORNING

##### [PAPER RUSTLES AS HAROLD REHEARSES]

#### HAROLD

'Since 2012, the North-West has seen the highest rise of... highest rise of...' Shitting hell! I had it last night. Shit, shit, fucking shit. 

#### SHUHELA

Relax, love. You're gonna be absolutely fine. I'm here, Cressida's here... 

#### FRANK

if all else fails, you can always blag it. 

#### HAROLD

Blag it? Blag it? Oh yeah, I'll just go in there and start pulling stats out of my arse, shall I? I'm sure that'll go down really well. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

#### CRESSIDA

Good news, everybody. Looks like William Allen is a no show. They've tried his office, his mobile, Lily's mobile; no-one can get hold of him. 

#### FRANK

Convenient. 

#### CRESSIDA

Yes, isn't it? So, is he ready? 

#### SHUHELA

Yes! 

#### HAROLD

No. 

#### CRESSIDA

That's the spirit. Come on then. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS; DOOR OPENS/CLOSE]

##### [GENERAL MURMUR OF VOICES AS FOLKS TAKE THEIR SEATS]

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Good morning everyone. Sorry for the delay. Uh, as you can see we're a man down already, but after some deliberation we have decided it is in everyone's best interests to press on regardless. With that in mind I'd like to thank the... uh... _(papers rustle)_ The ISC --

#### SHUHELA

_(calling)_ ICS! 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Oh, my apologies. Ah yes, I'd like to thank ICS for their patience. Now, I understand we have their CEO speaking to us today regarding... ah yes, St Mark's on Cruttenden Street. Is that correct? 

##### [CHAIR SCRAPES]

#### HAROLD

Yes, your honour that's... Hello, yes. Harold Stonewell. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Good morning. You don't need to stand, but it is appreciated. Also, uh, I'm not a judge, so Councillor should suffice. 

#### HAROLD

Oh, um, yes. Councillor. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Excellent. Now as we all know, St Mark's is currently under public management, and as such we have several enterprises vying for the acquisition rights. It's your job, Mr Stonewell, to tell us why we should give it to ICS. In your own time, please. 

##### [PAPERS RUSTLE AS HAROLD NERVOUSLY FUMBLES]

#### HAROLD

Yes. Uh. Hmm, yes that's- Yes, well, I, I, I, I, I, I wanted to --

##### [DROPS PAPER]

Oh f-- Sorry.

##### [RETRIEVES PAPER, CLEARS THROAT]

I wanted to speak to you all today about the crisis we face, over... over... um... Over-population! Um, recession. Rising living costs, et cetera, et cetera, indeed! Who here hasn't heard these terms? None of us. None of us haven't heard these terms.

#### FRANK (BACKGROUND)

Good grief...

#### SHUHELA (BACKGROUND)

Shhh! 

#### HAROLD

And um... We can no longer ignore them, or even avoid them. No! Gravesby is a micro... uh, a microcosm of these wider world issues, and so, as such, we need to, to, to, to, to look at the bigger picture in order to make best our understanding of the smaller picture. Which in itself is part of the bigger picture, you see? 

##### [MUTED COUGHS]

Er, yes. Well, right. Um. So, since 2012 the North-West has seen the highest levels of cuts to local services, to government schemes, to-- Uh... uh... 

##### [MOBILE PHONE BUZZES SOFTLY, AND IS ANSWERED]

#### COUNCIL MEMBER #1

_(quietly)_ Ian, hi, no, I'm in session. Oh, not long, it seems open and shut. I'll call you back in ten. 

##### [PHONE CALL CUTS OFF]

My apologies. Do continue. 

#### HAROLD

Yes. Okay. So to, uh... to, uh...

#### SHUHELA (BACKGROUND)

Government schemes! 

#### HAROLD

Oh yes, yes. Um, government services -- sorry, schemes, um, to, uh, for the most basic facilities, a tax paying member of this community could and should expect -- 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr Stonewall. 

#### HAROLD

Stonewell. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

But due to the delayed start, we, we are under certain time pressures. Can we please just skip this preamble, thorough as it is, and address the primary matter at hand: namely, that St Mark's is in a state of severe disrepair, and given this fact, how can a social care organisation with no major public or private funding possibly expect to realise these rather... _(paper rustles)_ ambitious plans that you've submitted to us? 

#### HAROLD

Uh... Oh well... um... I, that is to say, we... we would, um... intend to --

##### [CHAIR SCRAPES; FOOTSTEPS]

#### CRESSIDA

Cressida Hynes, Chief Legal and Financial Officer to ICS. If I may, Councillor? 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Please. 

#### CRESSIDA

You are correct that we would not be able to shoulder the costs of this alone. That is why we would need assistance from the council to realise these plans. 

#### COUNCIL MEMBER #2

I'm sorry, you expect us to hand over the church and pay you for your own renovations, when other interested parties are willing to shoulder the entire costs themselves? 

#### CRESSIDA

I'll be blunt. The cost to the council for ICS to take over and renovate St Mark's will be chicken feed in comparison to what you'll have to spend on rehousing the homeless population if you don't. Assuming that you are going to rehouse them, of course. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Miss Hynes, we have made it clear, time and time again, that we'll make no provisions for vagrants who continually -- 

#### CRESSIDA

The fact is, Councillor, that every day the homeless in Gravesby remain without shelter results in appalling, avoidable suffering. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Miss Hynes, I am sure we can all agree that homelessness in Gravesby is a problem, but it is not the problem that we have been brought here to solve. We are here to determine what is to happen to St Mark's. 

#### CRESSIDA

Forgive me, Councillor, but these two problems are inseparable. Time and time again, the local government has refused to offer any solutions to our homelessness crisis. I would not presume to appeal to your conscience, but I would suggest that you consider recent opinion polls regarding local government. 

##### [COUNCILLORS MURMUR]

#### COUNCIL MEMBER #3

_(whispering)_ Oh, why is she bringing it up? 

#### CRESSIDA

People are not happy with you. Not at all. 

##### [MURMURING INTENSIFIES]

But, happily, we are here presenting you with the solution. ICS can deal with this because helping the homeless is what we already do. Day in, day out, year in, year out. By granting the St Mark's site to ICS and assisting in the renovations, you would be allowing us to finally end this issue once and for all, with all the complexities neatly handled by us. You only need to sign a cheque. 

#### COUNCIL MEMBER #3

You really expect to handle the entire homeless population of Gravesby within a single facility? People with criminal records, emotional problems, drug addictions? You're just going to lump them all in together and... what? Just hope for the best? 

#### CRESSIDA

No. We will provide the best, because we are the best. The site is large enough for two hundred interior beds and, further, two hundred in additional facilities on the grounds and --

#### COUNCIL MEMBER #3

_(incredulous)_ Additional facilities? 

#### CRESSIDA

Do you have an alternative? Because your current plan seems to be just abandoning these people. Our work will keep them safe, and bring them back into society. It's what we do, and we're very good at it. All we're asking for are the basic facilities we need to solve your problem before it draws any more unwanted attention. Like... the national press, for example. 

##### [WHISPERING AS COUNCILLORS CONFER]

#### HAROLD

_(aside)_ Should I do the rest of my speech now? 

#### CRESSIDA

_(aside)_ Maybe hold off for now. I think they've got enough to consider. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

It is at this point we would customarily hear any arguments against the proposal. However, given the absence of any formal opposition to these proceedings, I suggest we should just press on and put the motion to a vote. Any objections? 

...

Very well. In that case, all those in favour of allowing ICS acquisition rights to St Marks along with the necessary funding to allow basic renovation, please say aye. 

#### COUNCIL MEMBERS

Aye. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

And those against? 

#### COUNCIL MEMBERS

Nay. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

The ayes have it seven to five, no abstainers. Motion is carried. Thank you all. 

#### SHUHELA

_(loudly)_ Get in! 

##### [SHUHELA GASPS AS FRANK LAUGHS]

_(whispers)_ Oh! Sorry! 

#### HAROLD

Did we win? Did I--? 

#### CRESSIDA

Congratulations, Harold. You just bought yourself a church. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

With no further motions proposed, we are hereby adjourned for this session. If we can please clear the chambers. 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES; FOOTSTEPS STRIDE IN]

#### WILLIAM

_(to Lily)_ -- the second we are done here you get onto the transport department and you tell them that they are going to do something about that corner tomorrow, understand? _(to the room, politely)_ Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry for the delay. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Ah, Bill, we've been calling you. Is, is everything all right? 

#### WILLIAM

Yes, thankfully nothing serious. Although the car's in a bit of a nasty state. Lily here got caught out on that bloody blind spot on Cressington Way. We're lucky we didn't end up smeared across the dual carriageway. 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Bill, if, if you've been in an accident, it's, it's probably best we run you down to the Royal and get you both checked up. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS AS WILLIAM MOVES AROUND]

#### LILY

Uh, no! 

#### WILLIAM

Lily, you have had enough input for one day. No, no, that won't be necessary. We're both fine. Besides, this has been delayed quite long enough. I know we're behind, and I see our friends from ICS are here, so let's crack on shall we? 

#### CRESSIDA

Perhaps we should update our friend and colleague on the motion... carried. 

#### WILLIAM

"Carried"? What do you mean "motion carried"? 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

We've already ruled on ICS' proposal. 

#### WILLIAM

Oh, good! So, who are we considering next? 

##### [PAUSE, WITH SOME MUTED COUGHING]

Oh. You have got to be -- You haven't given them the rights!? 

#### CRESSIDA

And some additional funding besides. 

#### WILLIAM

WHAT? It's not even eleven! You were in here for less than an hour! 

#### COUNCIL MEMBER #2

Well, we were waiting for you for more than half an hour. 

#### WILLIAM

Yes, well, my phone was damaged in the car crash that just nearly killed me, so apologies for the inconvenience, Linda! 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Bill, why don't we just go outside, and, and you can calm down --

#### WILLIAM

You can't just carry a motion without me! I'm the bloody Mayor! 

#### COUNCIL MEMBER #2

That's not how it works and you know it. We put the motion to the house and the vote was cast, seven to five. If you'd been here to register your objections, well then maybe --

#### WILLIAM

_(irate)_ This is absolutely ridiculous! Jesus! I turn my back for 5 minutes and you just completely -- Christ on a bike! 

#### LILY

Look, William, I think it would be wise to --

#### WILLIAM

Will you shut! Up! Lily! _(to the room)_ I will be taking formal action against this, you know that? There will be a proper investigation into what has happened here, and I will speak to each of you in turn. 

#### COUNCIL MEMBER #1

Oh, give over, Bill. It's done. 

#### WILLIAM

I will not "give over"! 

#### CRESSIDA

If there's anything we can do to help, just drop us an email. 

#### WILLIAM

You made a mistake today, Cressida, and you will come to regret it very soon! 

#### COUNCIL SPEAKER

Bill... Bill. 

#### WILLIAM

_(to Lily)_ Get me everything we have on ICS, now. Everything! 

##### [FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

#### LILY

Yes, of course, sir. I'll get straight onto it. 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES]

##### [BACKGROUND NOISE OF COUNCILLORS MILLING AROUND]

#### FRANK

What a tit. 

#### SHUHELA

I never know what people see in him. I just worry for Lily. That poor girl, she must get a right earful from him. 

#### CRESSIDA

I wouldn't worry about her; she can handle herself, trust me. Besides, it's all hot air. 

#### HAROLD

So that's it? We won? 

#### CRESSIDA

Yes, Harold. We won. 

#### HAROLD

And my speech helped? 

#### SHUHELA

It was wonderful, love. Dead inspiring, weren't it, Frank? 

#### FRANK

Mmmm. 

#### CRESSIDA

It was perfect. We make an excellent team, and your mother would be very proud. But now, it's time to celebrate. I am going to take you all out for dinner. 

#### SHUHELA

Oh! I'll need to stop off and scrub up. You'll have to get your suit out too, Frank! 

#### FRANK

Eurgh. 

------

##### [BACK IN THE RESTAURANT]

##### [FOOTSTEPS]

#### SUZY

_(quietly)_ Everyone's looking at us... 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah, cos we're well fit. Let them look. 

#### HAROLD

_(tipsy)_ Eyyyy! There she is. My dear sister, and --

##### [DRINK SPLASHES AS HE YELPS ON RECOGNISING SUZY]

Uh. Hello. 

#### SUZY

_(nervous)_ Yes, hello again, Harold. 

#### SHUHELA

Suzy! Lovely of you to join us. Come sit over here with me, pet. 

#### CRESSIDA

Well, don't you both look lovely. How about some more drinks? Yes? 

#### MEREDITH

Orange juice. Thanks. 

#### HAROLD

_(snorting)_ Juice? Really? You're not pregnant, are you? 

#### SUZY

Just a Coke for me, please. 

#### SHUHELA

Oooh, everything looks so nice! I dunno what to have! 

#### FRANK

You'll have the fish. 

#### SHUHELA

Hang on, what makes you think that? 

#### FRANK

You always get the fish. 

#### SHUHELA

I don't always get the --

#### CRESSIDA

So! Now that we're all here, I just wanted to take a moment to say a few words. 

##### [CHAIRS SCRAPE]

#### HAROLD

Speeeeeech! 

#### CRESSIDA

Yes, thank you, Harold. Anyway, I just wanted to extend my gratitude to everyone. This has been a long time coming, but our efforts have finally been rewarded. I couldn't be more proud of you all. 

#### HAROLD

_(laughing)_ Crusty old bastards never saw us coming, did they? 

#### CRESSIDA

Indeed. Well, that's everything apart from telling you all: enjoy yourselves! The tab's on me. You've earned it. 

##### [GLASSES CLINK AMIDST GENERAL RESTAURANT NOISE AND CHATTER]

#### SHUHELA

Oh, I meant to ask, Frank -- how's Hannah doing? 

#### FRANK

I swung by this morning but she didn't answer. Still upset with me, I reckon. 

#### SHUHELA

Aww, she'll come round. 

#### FRANK

Mmm. 

#### HAROLD

So, are you really not drinking? What's brought all this on? 

##### [CHAIR SCRAPES]

#### MEREDITH

Right, I'm going for a cigarette. 

##### [FOOTSTEPS AS SCENE MOVES OUTSIDE TO AN URBAN STREETSCAPE]

##### [FLICKING OF LIGHTER AS MEREDITH LIGHTS UP]

##### [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

#### GODBOLT

Oy oy! Who do we have here? 

#### MEREDITH

You really do have a pair of balls on you, I'll give you that. Just rocking up here after totally bailing on me earlier. 

#### GODBOLT

Yeah, sorry about before. I shouldn't have -- I just -- yeah. That was really uncool. Got you flowers. 

##### [FOLIAGE RUSTLES]

#### MEREDITH

Yeah, I can see that. 

#### GODBOLT

And? 

#### MEREDITH

And I'm out with the work lot, so can you just, like, go? And I'll call you, or whatever. 

#### GODBOLT

Come off it, I'm here to rescue you! You don't want to hang around with this sad lot. Why don't we just get out of here? You and me, go get a drink, paint the town --

#### MEREDITH

I said back off. Is that clear enough for you? 

#### GODBOLT

Wait. You're serious? 

##### [FOOTSTEPS BACK OFF]

Riiiight. Okay, fine. I'll just... Fine. Whatever. 

##### [FOLIAGE RUSTLES AS IT'S DUMPED AND GODBOLT HEADS OFF]

#### MEREDITH

Dammit. 

##### [DOOR OPENS/CLOSES]

#### SUZY

He didn't look happy. Everything alright? 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah. Just peachy. 

#### SUZY

You sure? 

#### MEREDITH

Me? I'm fucking fabulous. I am living the dream. 

#### SUZY

I know it's none of my business, but you did the right thing. You're better off without him. 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah, well. I don't need a babysitter. 

#### SUZY

No, you don't. 

...

Are you coming back inside? 

#### MEREDITH

Yeah, screw it. Let's eat, I'm starving. What are you having? 

#### SUZY

I thought I'd start with the garlic bread. 

##### [MEREDITH SNORTS]

##### [FOOTSTEPS; DOOR OPENS]

#### MEREDITH

You alright, Cressida? 

#### CRESSIDA

Hmmm? Oh yes. Just grabbing some fresh air. 

#### MEREDITH

Well, I wouldn't leave that lot unsupervised with an open tab. 

#### CRESSIDA

I'll be back in a moment. Uh, keep an eye on them in the meantime, won't you? 

##### [DOOR CLOSES AS MEREDITH & SUZY HEAD BACK]

##### [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

You're late. 

#### LILY

Sorry, sorry, I got held up and, and --

#### CRESSIDA

Yes, I'm sure. Sterling work with William earlier. It's appreciated. 

#### LILY

He's been in a foul mood ever since. Will be for the rest of the week. 

#### CRESSIDA

Still, I'm sure it's worth it, yes? 

#### LILY

Um. Yes. 

#### CRESSIDA

Good girl. Here's the rest of your... payment, as discussed. 

##### [RUSTLING OF PAPER PACKAGE]

And before you ask, yes, it's fresh. 

#### LILY

Thanks. I know it's sounds daft but it does make a difference, you know, and --

#### CRESSIDA

Just take it, dear. I'd rather I wasn't carrying it any longer than necessary. 

##### [RUSTLING AS LILY ACCEPTS PACKAGE]

I'll be in touch. 

------

##### [CLOSING THEME]

Inexplicables is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill Ltd and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International Licence.

Written by: Tom Critch & Alexander J Newall  
Script Editing: Helen Gould  
Producer: Hannah Preisinger  
Director: Maddy Searle  
Production Manager: April Sumner  
Executive Producer: Alexander J Newall

Cast:  
Beth Eyre -- Meredith Stonewell  
Harry Farmer -- Harold Stonewell  
Safiyya Ingar -- Shuhela  
Ian Hayles -- Frank  
Fay Roberts -- Cressida  
Mark Nicolson -- Abraham Godbolt  
Karim Kronfli -- John Belfrage  
Savy Des-Etages -- Lily Jones  
Vera Chok -- Suzy Broadbent  
Alexander Doddy -- William Allen  
Alexander J Newall -- Ivan  
Frank Voss -- Len  
Sas Freeman -- Denise  
Tai Lawson -- Robbie   
Mike LeBeau -- Cali-Bigman  
Jenny Haufek -- Council Speaker  
Amy Dickinson -- Council Member #1  
Annie Fitch -- Council Member #2 / Vampire  
Francesca Reid -- Council Member #3  
Nico Vettese -- Waiter / Vampire / Council Member  
Imogen Harris -- Vampire

Editing: Maddy Searle  
Mastering: Jeffrey Nils Gardner  
Music: Samuel DF Jones  
Artwork: Anika Khan 