---
layout:          post
title:           "RQG012 - Keeeeeesh"
date:            2015-08-19 11:00:00 -0400
episode_type:      episode
tags:            [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham, Gragg]
voiced:          [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham, Gragg]
categories:			"rqg"
podcasts: ["rqg"]
title_prefix:	"RQG"
prev_categories: ["rqg"]
prev_prefixes: ["RQG"]
prev_episode:   ['011']
prev_episode_num:		['011']
prev_episode_title:		["The Rackets"]
next_categories: ["rqg"]
next_prefixes: ["RQG"]
next_episode:   ['013']
next_episode_num:		['013']
next_episode_title:		["Ghost Ambush"]
episode_title:   'Keeeeeesh'
episode_number:  '012'
summary:         "Join Alex, James, Bryn, Ben and Lydia as they continue to play an extended Pathfinder Tabletop Roleplaying Campaign: Erasing the Line.<br/><br/>In this episode Zolf heals like a boss, Bertie invents quiche, Sasha gets her sneak on and Hamid makes yet another another friend.<br/><br/>Another tough one to edit. Who knew Other London would be so noisy?"
content_flags:   ["Food & alcohol", "Underground & tunnels", "Discussions of: physical violence", "Mentions of: blood, stabbing", "SFX: continuous background chatter, dripping, water, occasional screaming"]
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/rustyquillgaming/rqg-12-keeeeeesh
formats: 
    # DOCX: 
    # PDF: 
    # Google Doc: 
official:        true
wiki_url:        https://rqg.fandom.com/wiki/RQG_12_-_Keeeeeesh
---

##### [SHOW THEME -- INTRO] 

#### ALEX

Hello again! And welcome to episode 12 of the *Rusty Quill Gaming* podcast with me, your host and GM, Alex Newall. And with me today, I have:

#### JAMES

James Ross.

#### BRYN

Bryn Monroe.

#### BEN

Ben Meredith.

#### LYDIA

Lydia Nicholas.

#### ALEX

And who are you all playing? 

#### JAMES

Sir Bertrand "Bertie" MacGuffingham, half-man, half-man.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

A helpful introduction there, James.

#### BRYN

Hamid the halfling sorcerer, slightly more distraught than usual. 

#### ALEX

Oh yeah.

#### BEN

Zolf Smith, dwarven cleric. Three-quarters dwarf, one-quarter peg leg.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### LYDIA

Sasha Racket. Human and very sulky right now. 

#### ALEX

Yes.

#### LYDIA

Sulky. Sad!

#### ALEX

Sad, er... 

#### LYDIA

Quiet.

#### ALEX

Quiet...

#### BEN

Terrified? 

#### LYDIA

Wait, well, yeah.

#### BEN

Shocked, anxious, stressed-out... 

#### ALEX

There's a whole gamut of emotions. 

#### LYDIA

I've got a lot of emotions going.

#### BEN

Just generally not doing okay, guys. 

#### LYDIA

You can't tell, though! Unexpressive face.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX

So just to recap what was happening from last week. Obviously the party were working their way through Other London in search of details to do with the Simulacrum, of which you found some pieces. And then, whilst under there, you got a *little* bit ambushed. 

#### BRYN

We got beaten. We had our buttocks handed to us, I would say. 

#### BEN

We did terribly. Absolutely terribly. 

#### ALEX

You may have got a little bit rinsed. 

#### LYDIA

_(softly)_ So many critical fails!

#### ALEX

It's okay, because they got critical hits against you. 

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

_(processing that sentence)_ Hey, wait, no!

#### BEN

It's true. It really was buttock after buttock after buttock. I can't hold all of these buttocks! 

#### JAMES

_(overlapping)_ So many buttocks! D'argh! 

#### ALEX

So yeah. Luckily, it turned out that they weren't quite there just to kill you or anything. Led you away to a...

#### LYDIA

I don't think they would've been upset if that happened. 

#### ALEX

Not really.

#### BEN

Cos they're not very nice *people.*

#### ALEX

And you guys made your way to a building that Sasha recognised and __didn't__ like. Namely the headquarters of Barret Racket.

#### BRYN

Yeah. Did everyone else notice how they have the *same surname,* guys?!

#### JAMES

It's probably a coincidence. 

#### LYDIA

It's totally a coincidence.

#### BEN

I mean, Racket, Smith, you're... 

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JAMES

It's a pretty common name. Smith -- it would like the village blacksmith, Racket would be the village tennis professional. 

#### BEN

_(simultaneously)_ Tennis coach!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

So it's perfectly logical. 

#### ALEX

So anyway, you made your way up into his office. Had a nice little chat. Made some friends. 

#### LYDIA

Bertie had a brandy. 

#### BRYN

_(simultaneously)_ Had a nice little cry. 

#### ALEX

And Barret gave Hamid a ring of something... 

#### BRYN

Mmm! A mysterious ringggg. 

#### BEN

Which he was *all too keen* to put on. 

#### LYDIA

_(singing to the tune of "Mysterious Girl")_ Ooh-ooh-ooh, mysterious ring!

_(laughs, singsong:)_ You don't know what it does. 

#### BEN

Is this just the rest of the podcast now? Is it just us in silence...

#### ALEX

Oh, don't forget, Bertie's got himself some brandy. I hope you wrote that in your --

#### JAMES

Brandy, yeah! Brandy, an eel in a bun. Basically I need to collect the ingredients for a whole picnic by the end of the campaign, if that is possible.

#### BEN

That is a very good point. I remembered I had Detect Poison. I did intend to use it on the brandy when we got that, but instead...

#### BRYN

Yeah, I didn't see if it was magical or not. 

#### ALEX

So! Yeah, you guys made it out of the compound, got all of your equipment back, and were effectively just about to discuss what happens next. Obviously you've got the map as well. Don't forget that. Sasha's been able to read...

#### BEN

Which I'll be handing over to Sasha as, yeah.

#### SASHA

_(surprised)_ Oh!

#### ZOLF

Well, I understand that it's an Other London map but... 

#### LYDIA

I feel very trusted. 

#### ZOLF

Darned if I can read it.

#### ALEX

So I think that's everything. So you can just pick up where you left off. 

#### BEN

Yeah!

#### SASHA

Guys, I can show you to an inn, but -- like, nothing is going to happen to us now that Barret's got his eyes on us. 

#### ZOLF

We need some... yeah, we need time to recoup. We need --

#### SASHA

Just down that alley, a few floors down. 

#### BERTIE

Still bleeding quite a lot, really. 

#### HAMID

Yes, I, I'm quite badly hurt too. 

#### ZOLF

Actually, that's right. How many potions have we got left? 

#### SASHA

I've got one. 

#### HAMID

I've got one...

#### ZOLF

Yeah, everyone check your things. I've got one as well.

#### BERTIE

If brandy is a potion, I have two. 

##### [A PAUSE]

#### HAMID

Brandy's not a potion. 

#### ALEX

Everyone had one. 

#### BEN

Yes. 

#### BRYN

Oh, I had two. I drank one. 

#### ALEX

At least, yeah. So now everyone has one. 

#### BEN

Yeah. I had two as well, so now I'm down to one. So I need to rub that out... oh no, I used a Cure... oh yeah, no, I, I...

#### ALEX

You used a spell. 

#### BEN

I used a spell.

#### LYDIA

Hurray! 

#### BEN

Yes...? Yeah, I think so. If I didn't, people can shout at me on the forum and tell me I'm wrong. 

#### LYDIA

Yay!

#### ALEX

Yup! Okay, so you've got potions. What's the plan? 

#### SASHA

Let's just go to an inn. Can you get a few floors down? 

#### ZOLF

_(indistinct, simultaneously:)_ I can --

#### HAMID

Yeah.

#### SASHA

Alright.

#### LYDIA

I lead them down an alley to the side, and then further down -- which is deeper, I know, into Barret's territory, but it is thus more lived-in. This is... Barret's home is on the edge of looking out on a no-man's-land that no one wants to cross, whereas it's a bit more lively down there. I *begin,* I'm guessing, to see faces that I recognise. 

##### [SOFT NOISES OF PEOPLE CHATTERING BEGIN TO FADE IN]

#### ALEX

Yeah.

#### LYDIA

I might put up a mild disguise. 

#### ALEX

Give me the roll, then, and go for it. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. I mean, it's just putting on my hat with different-coloured hair, you know.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

3!

#### ALEX

You fail! 

#### LYDIA

Is it the wrong hair -- It is the same hair. 

#### BEN

You've got a wig that looks exactly *like* your hair! 

#### ALEX

You're so terrible at disguises! 

#### JAMES

You've got a hat that looks like no hat! 

##### [SNICKERING]

#### BEN

It's just a hat with "Sasha Racket" on it.

#### BRYN

You try to make a disguise and you just put on makeup. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. _(admiringly)_ I look alright!

#### ALEX

So, yeah, you try to disguise yourself but as you're walking around a lot of people start nodding, acknowledging Sasha. 

#### LYDIA

Alright! Goddamit.

#### ALEX

A couple of people say "hi," quite friendri... _(struggling)_ friendily... 

#### JAMES

Friendli-ly. 

#### ALEX

Friendli-lyness-ness-ity. 

#### JAMES

In a friendly fashion. 

#### ALEX

That's the one! 

#### LYDIA

Would they? Yeah, I guess maybe some of them. 

#### ALEX

A couple of them were friendly. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are some people who aren't happy to see you, but there's just as many who are, and this deep into Racket territory, things seem a bit more stable. It seems a bit closer to the markets up top, to all of the people who aren't from Other London, except a bit closer to that balance between domestic and market. Whereas the upper levels were pretty much just market, really. These lower levels seem to be a bit more balanced between market and stalls.

#### LYDIA

I take them to an inn. 

#### ALEX

Mhm! What's the name of the inn? Go. 

#### LYDIA

Er, it's the... the Bloody Bulldog. 

#### ALEX

The Bloody Bulldog. Okay, cool! It's a good one. 

#### BERTIE

Ooh, *dogs!*

#### LYDIA

The, the, the sign is a taxidermy bulldog head swinging on a stand. It's... homely. 

#### ZOLF

Are you sure this is the kind of pub that we want to be... 

#### SASHA

This is the nicest pub round here.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ZOLF

Alright, I'll take your word for it, I guess. 

#### SASHA

This is the posh one.

#### ALEX

Heading inside, it's posh by Other London standards. It's sort of, there's still rushes on the floor and stuff, but there's tables! There's even glasses, not like metal tankard jugs, actual glasses.

The person behind the bar doesn't seem particularly aggressive or anything. They're huge -- like enormous, *enormous* person to the point where you're wondering if part of them isn't human because they're... 

#### JAMES

Bertie-sized. 

#### ALEX

No, they're a step above Bertie. They are *massive* as a person. 

#### SASHA

Alright, Gragg. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

_(in an extremely deep and rumbly voice)_ Alright. How's things, Sasha? 

#### SASHA

It's, er... complex, right now. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Is it ever not? 

#### SASHA

Yeah, tell me about it. 

#### ZOLF

So er, what are you drinking? I'll get the round in since I got us into this mess so -- it's the least I can do.

#### SASHA

Nice. Er, Gragg, __the__ alcohol.

##### [PLAYERS SNICKER]

#### ALEX

He reaches past... 

#### BEN

Four of "the alcohol"! 

#### ALEX

He walks past four casks, all of which are just numbered 1, 2, 3. Goes to 4, pulls out... puts some drinks in some glasses, actual pint glasses, puts them on the side for you.

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

It's good to see you, Sasha. 

#### SASHA

How's it been? 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

We'll call it 4. 

#### SASHA

4\. Here's 4. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

It ain't free.

#### ALEX

He's gesturing cash. 

#### ZOLF

Copper, right?

#### SASHA

Yeah, 4 coppers? 

#### BEN

I'll push 6. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Thank you very much. 

#### ZOLF

Pleasure. 

#### LYDIA

I thought he was talking about the *number* of...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

Makes 4! Well done! And take one away, and *now* how many are there?

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

Yeah!

#### ALEX

So yeah, he gives the glasses. Gives a nod to Sasha and then just stomps off, the one foot he can go along the bar. 

#### ZOLF

Right, well, here's to progress. 

#### SASHA

To surviving. 

#### BERTIE

Cheers! 

#### HAMID

I guess we can use the luck. 

#### SASHA

Yep.

#### ZOLF

Yep, definitely could.

#### SASHA

Eyyyy!

#### LYDIA

Clank.

#### ALL

Clank clank clank clank clank.

#### ALEX

Sasha is fine, it's exactly what you'd expect. Zolf, it's vaguely reminiscent of fire-water that you... probably shouldn't have but did have as a kid. 

#### BEN

Well, I mean on a boat as well, we're heavy drinkers. 

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I just mean it brings up some old memories. 

#### BEN

Ahhh, okay.

#### BRYN

Hamid retches.

##### [NOISES OF HAMID RETCHING VIOLENTLY]

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah. 

#### JAMES

I've got a constitution of 16. I --

#### ALEX

Here's the thing, Bertie. With you -- so you've gone from a *very,* very fine brandy to what happens to very fine brandy if you pour it into a puddle and then pick it up with a cocktail shaker, shake it a bit, and *then* try and drink it. 

#### JAMES

Yeah.

##### [BERTIE SMACKS HIS MOUTH TOGETHER MULTIPLE TIMES]

#### SASHA

It's good, innit! 

#### HAMID

_(weakly)_ S...strong. 

#### ZOLF

Might need another, then? 

#### HAMID

No, thank you. 

#### SASHA

Put hair on your back. 

#### ZOLF

Does he want hair there? 

#### SASHA

It's what they always told me.

#### BERTIE

Bet this tastes the same on the way out as it does on the way in. 

#### ZOLF

Well, if you drink enough, you'll find out.

#### BERTIE

Mmm.

#### HAMID

I hate to be the one to ask everyone, but I know we've been hired to go after these people, but -- are we ready? I mean, that was like the first real fight we had and we... we lost. Quite badly. 

#### ZOLF

_(overlapping)_ We got caught unaware. 

#### HAMID

Well, we *didn't,* though. We saw them, me and Sasha.

#### ZOLF

Yeah, but how many of them were there? Like, did we clock them all? Maybe we were just overconfident. We've got a measure of what we can do now. 

#### SASHA

I told you not to come down here. 

#### ZOLF

We've been to worse... well, I've been to worse places. 

#### BERTIE

I definitely haven't. This is terrible. Look at this!

#### SASHA

I mean, Gragg's bar is pretty great. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Cheers, Sasha!

#### SASHA

It's alright, Gragg.

#### ZOLF

I've also got to say: we're mercenaries. We're going... we are paid to go into dangerous situations. We can't shy away from something just because it's going to be unpleasant. We've got to power on through and we'll see how we can do.

Now, the pay for this one is significant. Right? I think it's a difficult job but we're going to be rewarded well. You can buy you a hundred falcons on your hat, you know? 

#### HAMID

But can we, can we -- I mean, can we do it, though? There were four of them and two dogs and -- you know, they took us all out. I just feel like... 

#### ZOLF

We made a silly decision. We grouped up. We knew that they had bombs; we grouped up and that cost us. Next time, let's not do that.

#### HAMID

So we have -- you think next fight we don't, we don't stick together, because that sounds -- 

#### ZOLF

No, but we... assess the situation, I've got to say I dropped the ball on that one. I should've been ready. I'm the one with the shield; I should've deflected it. I didn't. I made a mistake. Next time we're going to learn, we'll get stronger and we'll keep going, okay? Yeah?

#### BERTIE

Now Hamid, in your darkest hours, when you feel the fear creeping up behind you like a man who is perhaps maybe four foot tall? And you think, "No no, maybe, maybe death's icy finger is working its way up my spine one vertebrae at a time and is just about to stick itself in my ear"? Just think of the money. Of the massive amount of money.

##### [ALEX STARTS CACKLING]

And I often find that thought very comforting, you know? I will just think... I'll put myself in my happy place. I'm there on a beach made of money, and the money is gently lapping at my feet --

#### HAMID

_(interjecting)_ Okay. Okay, I'll try and keep the money in mind. 

#### BERTIE

Money. 

#### HAMID

I mean, they seemed much better at ganging up on us than we were at ganging up on them. We have got to do more of that.

#### ZOLF

We haven't -- Yeah, exactly. We haven't known each other very much. We don't know how each other fights. We will learn. And we've been thrust into this -- a bit ad hoc, I'm going to say, but when we get through this we can do a bit of training, do a bit of development. We'll be able to, you know... honestly, I've been reading about it. There are some manuals and whatnot...

#### HAMID

I'd certainly like to learn more about how to fight people. I don't think I'm very good at it yet. 

#### ZOLF

Anyway, how we progress now. So I can sort you two out, I need to sort myself out, I need to sort you out a bit. You alright?

#### SASHA

I could do with a little bit of healing. 

#### ZOLF

Okay. Well, I'll see what I can do on the limited resources we've got. Tomorrow, fresh and fit. Take a more cautious approach.

#### SASHA

Eels are good for fixing people. _(calling)_ Gragg?

##### [GRAGG MAKES AN AFFIRMATIVE NOISE]

#### SASHA

Could we order in some eels? 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Oh, well, that'll cost you at least 2 each.

#### ZOLF

Yep. 

#### SASHA

Eels all round? Eels? 

#### ZOLF

Eels all around.

#### BERTIE

Eels are good. Eels are good. 

#### SASHA

Eels. Eels. Right, I think that's... 

#### HAMID

Maybe in a nice pie, or a quiche? 

#### ZOLF

I don't think they can stretch to a quiche.

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Sasha. Sasha, what's a "keesh"? 

#### SASHA

I'm not sure. 

#### ZOLF

It's a pie. 

#### BERTIE

If you imagine a pie, but it doesn't have a hat. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Oh, yeah, that sounds well easy.

##### [LYDIA LAUGHS]

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Yeah, alright. I'll give you an eel *keeeeeesh.* 

#### ZOLF

Right, lovely. 

#### HAMID

_(beginning to regret this)_ Or -- or just a pie. A pie would be fine. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

No, keeeeeesh. 

#### ZOLF

Eel quiche, thank you very much. 

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ He just heads out for a bit. 

#### BEN

Yeah, I don't need to super go through it but I will start off, I think, with Hamid. Just take you over to a quiet corner of the bar. 

#### HAMID

Well, before -- before -- I just have one other question. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah?

#### HAMID

Erm, did any of you see what happened to my hands? 

##### [BEAT]

#### ZOLF

Uh...

#### SASHA

No, I was on the other side of the -- what?

#### ZOLF

That bloke talking about the dragon hands?

#### SASHA

I mean, did you get blood on them or something? It's fine. You get used to it. 

#### HAMID

Just just just just just --

#### BRYN

Hamid closes his eyes and concentrates really hard, and you can see emotions flashing across his face as he's trying to remember how he felt. And it seems like a bit of a struggle, and he's just flexing his fingers -- and then suddenly his hands turn into claws again. 

#### SASHA

_(surprised)_ Augh!

#### ZOLF

That is... 

#### BERTIE

That is *messed up,* that is! 

#### SASHA

That is so useful!

#### HAMID

This is not -- this is not a spell I've ever studied. _(voice going higher-pitched)_ I don't understand what this is!

#### SASHA

Can you... can you slash...? 

#### HAMID

It doesn't feel like a spell!

#### SASHA

_(admiring)_ It's silent as well! 

#### BRYN

He sort of waves them --

#### ZOLF

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

#### BERTIE

Steady, steady! 

#### BRYN

He closes his eyes and tries to wave them, not at anyone, just to try and shake off the claws... 

#### ALEX

He's waving his own hands away.

#### BRYN

Yes, and they turn back into normal hands again. 

#### SASHA

It's like ten daggers. 

#### ZOLF

I've got to say, uh, that's a skill that I'm glad we now have!

#### HAMID

But why can I do it?!

#### SASHA

It's one of those magic things, right? 

#### ZOLF

Yeah, you're the wizard.

#### SASHA

Isn't it all magic?

#### HAMID

But this isn't a spell I've ever studied. It's not a spell I know. I don't even... I haven't heard of this spell!

#### BERTIE

Can you do anything else?

#### SASHA

It's like, I learned --

#### BERTIE

Can you turn them into opera gloves or something?

#### HAMID

*Yes!*

#### BRYN

I cast Prestidigitation...

##### [ALEX CACKLES]

#### SASHA

Well there you go!

#### HAMID

But that's different. That is a spell. You heard my sounds and my movements. That's a *spell!* The claws are different! 

#### SASHA

_(overlapping)_ It's like, I learned to pick locks and get a blade in under a window thing and then that meant it was pretty easy to stab.

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Eel keesh.

#### ALEX

Boom! He just dumps down on to the table four plates, each of which is clearly an eel pie and he's just *ripped* the top off.

#### SASHA

Cheers, Gragg. 

#### BEN

I'll push 10 copper over. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

No worries. 

#### ZOLF

Look, maybe you've earned the favour of a god. 

#### SASHA

The stabbing god, which god is that? 

#### HAMID

I -- What?! 

#### BERTIE

The god of very firm handshakes? 

#### ZOLF

Maybe Ares? 

#### BERTIE

Little bit lizard-y for Ares. 

#### ZOLF

Maybe.

#### SASHA

Have you got any enemies that might do it to you? 

#### HAMID

...Make my hands weird? 

#### SASHA

Yeah! Enemies are weird. 

#### ZOLF

What we should probably take from this is: you can do that now! Great. You now know it. Use it to your advantage. Take it, roll with it. 

#### SASHA

Yeah!

#### HAMID

_(reluctant)_ Okay. 

#### ZOLF

You're out of your comfort zone, that's good. So look, let's get you healed up. We'll have a night to reflect on it and then in the morning we can get going and...

#### HAMID

Okay, we'll deal with it later. 

#### ZOLF

Deal with as it comes. 

#### SASHA

Maybe the ring did it. 

#### HAMID

I mean, I was wearing the ring just now when my hands changed, and the ring stays on. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, it changes size to fit whatever shape his hands take and then changes back. 

#### BRYN

Because it's a magical item.

#### LYDIA

Ahhh.

#### ALEX

Yeah, all magical items... oh yeah, I should point out for listeners. Magical items in this world, part of their magic is that they fit you. As long as you're buying in the right sort of category. Obviously if you're buying something for a tail and you don't have a tail that's not going to work, but otherwise... 

#### BRYN

They adjust size. 

#### ALEX

...stuff automatically fits you. 

#### SASHA

Maybe that's what the ring does. Maybe the ring did it to you. The ring is causing your hands to go...

#### HAMID

No, it happened in the fight before I got the ring. 

##### [A THOUGHTFUL PAUSE]

#### ZOLF

Who knows? 

#### HAMID

It's just a bit strange, but, yeah...

#### ZOLF

We can find out when we're not in a pub in Other London. 

#### HAMID

I think maybe I'll look into it another time. 

#### SASHA

You can trust Gragg. 

#### HAMID

Thanks, guys. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Cheers, Sasha. 

#### BERTIE

You know what they say about halflings with big lizard hands? 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

They're freaks. 

#### SASHA

...Cheers, Gragg.

#### BERTIE

Well, thank you for your constructive input there, Gragg. 

#### ZOLF

Was there an end to that, or...

#### BERTIE

Oh, big lizard-y feet. I mean, can you do anything else? I mean, can you do a flip? I mean --

#### HAMID

What?

#### BERTIE

Right, so you've got these big lizardy hands. Can you change anything else lizard-y?

#### HAMID

I don't think so. 

#### SASHA

...Well, that's that. 

#### ZOLF

We'll have a think about it. Just come with me, I'll get you sorted out, and then we'll look at you two in the morning, okay?

#### HAMID

Okay.

#### BEN

I will use my Obscuring Mist and convert it into a Cure Light Wounds. 

#### ALEX

Oh, as opposed to filling the pub with mist for no reason.

#### BEN

I could do that if you want!

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### SASHA

Good keesh, innit, Bertie? Good keesh. 

#### BEN

Lovely, so 7. I think that's all I have to... 

#### BERTIE

It's none of the words that you've just used. 

#### BRYN

Can you do it with level 0 spells, as well? 

#### SASHA

Gragg worked real hard on this! 

#### BEN

I don't think I can, can I? 

#### BERTIE

What, with his hands?

#### BEN

Can I...

#### BRYN

You should be able to channel the positive energy on any spell --

#### BEN

Oh, it's a Channel Positive Energy!

#### BRYN

-- to turn it... to spontaneously convert it into a healing spell of the same level. 

#### BEN

Ahhh, okay, brilliant. That makes my healing much better than I thought. I thought it was only level 1 spells. 

#### ALEX

No, no no. 

#### BEN

Sorry. So, brilliant. I will...

#### ZOLF

Are you sorted, Hamid? 

#### HAMID

Yes.

#### ZOLF

Brilliant, you're all done. 

#### BRYN

That's all my hit points. 

#### ZOLF

Bertie, come on. 

#### SASHA

Are you finished with the keesh, Bertie? 

#### BERTIE

I am entirely finished with this. 

#### HAMID

The eel pie is actually quite nice, I think. 

#### BERTIE

Incorrect! 

#### SASHA

Yeah, see?

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Not pie... 

#### HAMID

A little bit salty --

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

*Keeeeesh.* 

#### HAMID

The quiche. The eel *quiche* is nice. 

#### SASHA

Bertie, you should appreciate the effort Gragg put into this. 

#### ALEX

And onto the spell... I've just got to keep things moving! 

#### BEN

Yes, so, for you I will convert a Detect Poison.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

You get 8 hit points back. 

#### JAMES

Lovely, I'm now up to 9 hit points, so I've got 4 more to go. 

#### ALEX

Don't forget you've got your plus 1.

#### BEN

No, because it... I'm casting it on 0.

#### ALEX

Oh, yeah, you can't convert a 0 into a level 1.

#### BEN

Oh, okay.

#### ALEX

You have to convert a level 1 into a level 1 and then a level 2 into a level 2. 

#### BEN

3 level 0s into 3 hit points for you. 

#### JAMES

That's it? 

#### BEN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

Give him a day, god! 

#### JAMES

Right, fine, so in that case I'm up to 4 hit points from my original one. 

#### ALEX

Yeah.

#### JAMES

Okay, cool. 

#### ALEX

So presumably you guys... 

#### LYDIA

I look expectantly at Zolf. 

#### ZOLF

I'm sorry, I'm out for the day -- but, morning. 

#### SASHA

Alright.

#### ALEX

So presumably, you are now all going to go hit the sack. 

#### LYDIA & BEN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

You get shown to your rooms. They're on an upper floor. The stairs creak ominously as your, er, *gracious* innkeeper shows you to your rooms, but, yeah, you guys go and have a decent night's sleep. Hamid, give me a Will save?

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

11\.

#### ALEX

11\. You have some slightly disquieting nightmares about your hands turning into independent things and coming for you and your friends, but nothing -- you, you still manage to get a night's sleep. 

#### BRYN

Okay.

#### LYDIA

So how many hit points do we go up overnight? If at all? 

#### ALEX

You are looking at about your level. Your level in hit points really, so... 

#### LYDIA

1.

#### ALL

1!

#### ALEX

It's not a huge amount but the point is, is that it's meant to take you a few days to recover from a beating.

But you've got a cleric on board!

##### [EVERYONE CHEERS]

Walking hospital with a trident. 

#### LYDIA

We love you, Zolf! 

#### ALEX

So you guys all wake up, come down and you get some more eel quiche. *Complimentary* breakfast quiche. 

#### ZOLF

Oh, very nice, the service here. 

#### ALEX

And you notice that a few other people are staring at quiche a little bit worryingly. And just from behind the bar you get,

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Keeeeeesh. 

##### [LYDIA SNICKERS]

#### SASHA

Cheers, Gragg!

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

I like keesh.

#### ZOLF

Appreciate it, Gragg. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Yeah, keeeesh. 

#### ZOLF

Anyway. Let's get you lot fixed up a bit more. So -- Bertie, come with me.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Hey, brilliant, you get 2 and -- you're worse than I thought, so hold your breath.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

7 hit points back.

#### JAMES

I'm now back up to full hit points. 

#### LYDIA

Yay!

#### BEN

Good.

#### ZOLF

And Sasha? 

#### SASHA

I'm only a little bit, I mean, don't... don't worry if you're...

#### ZOLF

You're not too bad? 

#### SASHA

I'm not too bad. 

#### ZOLF

Alright, we've all got potions. I need one myself. Give me a second.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Way over so I'm back on full, which is good! 

#### ALEX

Cool. It's worth asking as this time, actually, what spells you've prepared and what have you... have you converted any into a Heal already? 

#### BEN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

Okay.

#### BEN

All three of those. So Obscuring Mist, Sanctuary, and Summon Master -- _(correcting)_ Summon Monster 1, even.

#### ALEX

"Summon Master" -- now that's a scary one.

#### LYDIA

"Youuuuu do what I sayyyyy!"

#### BEN

"I'm sorryyyyy!" Yeah, those are what I prepared and those are what I've converted, and then I've got my level 0 spells which are Detect Poison, Stabilise, and Create Water. 

#### ALEX

Sure, okay. 

#### BRYN

Create Water. Yay!

#### BEN

I've learnt! 

#### ALEX

_(laughs)_ Well, he has to have some excuse to use his stepping stones. 

#### BEN

Right. 

#### HAMID

So, so shall, shall we start following the map, then? 

#### ZOLF

Yeah, I guess so. I think ultimately they probably think we've been taken out by... 

#### SASHA

Barret's group. 

#### ZOLF

Barret's lot.

#### SASHA

Yeah.

#### ZOLF

So they probably won't be expecting us and if we... I mean, I assume you're comfortable with going in ahead, cos, well, us two, not the most *unobtrusive* lot. 

#### SASHA

Yeah, I can look it all up. So this map, it'll take us a while to get there. It's three floors up, a couple of heights around the back of some... yeah, and then down again.

Right, so we'll end up on roughly the same level, just have to go up and down, wiggle around a couple of tunnels, but there's nothing I see that's a big problem. 

#### ALEX

You do notice that everything that you've said is true, but you will also be drawing near the Thames.

#### LYDIA

Ooh.

#### ALEX

Which, obviously in Upper London isn't really a presence that people take into account anymore. But it looks like the place will be backing on to the Thames.

#### SASHA

You'll like this though, near the river. 

#### ZOLF

Good, I can use that.

#### SASHA

Yeah. It might be an idea to stock up because stuff's cheap down here. I don't know if potions are worth their salt or money, I don't, yeah.

#### HAMID

Let's just head on.

#### SASHA

Right, off we go. 

#### ZOLF

See what we can pick up on the way. 

#### ALEX

Okay, so presumably you head out and start... 

#### SASHA

Bye Gragg! 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Bye. 

#### HAMID

It was nice to meet you, Gragg.

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Keeeeeesh.

#### HAMID

Here.

#### BRYN

I hand him a silver piece. 

#### ALEX

He kind of looks at it, looks up and goes... puts his giant bulbous finger up, "one second." Goes in the back, comes out, and then he disappears for a couple of minutes. You hear a clatter and a bang and then he holds out four, like, hankies that are wrapped up. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Keeeesh. 

#### SASHA

Oh, cheers, Gragg! 

#### ZOLF

Thank you very much, Gragg. Appreciated! 

#### BERTIE

Thank you, hmmm. 

#### ALEX (GRAGG)

Bye Sasha.

#### SASHA

Bye Gragg. Good seeing you. 

#### ALEX

And yeah, you guys head out into Other London again. So... 

#### BEN

Everyone add eel quiche to their inventory. 

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, for goodness' sake, you can't forget your eel quiche. 

#### JAMES

Eel in a bun, eel quiche... 

#### BEN

Just eels, eels, eels down here. 

#### LYDIA

Well, that and the white cabbage. 

#### ALEX

So I'll tell you what then, why don't you describe the journey to us, Lydia? 

#### LYDIA

Right, okay. So we wander for about 10 minutes through the more flourishing sort of Racket territory. You notice it might look a bit more friendly towards the centre of these large spaces, though, because it's all courtyards with stuff built over, but I am sticking to the wall. And you find yourself in quieter alleys. Even though sometimes you're doing three sides of a square, er, we're -- but no one bothers you.

#### BRYN

I am keeping my eyes out a bit more aggressively than I was before, to avoid more pickpocketing incidents. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. I am, if anything, as careless as you've ever seen me. I know that the protection of Barret means everything in these territories. So it's about 10 minutes of that through these... these small alleyways.

##### [THE NOISES OF PEOPLE CHATTERING FADES INTO WATER DRIPPING AND FLOWING]

Then there is a hike up about three gruelling floors of slimy stairs. Like, horrendously drippy, mould on the walls. Up those. 

#### JAMES

Bertie probably carries Hamid for that bit. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. It's *not* fun for you guys, but I'm guessing that Zolf is just like, _(mimicking Zolf)_ "Oh yes, like the bilge water!"

##### [SNICKERS]

#### BEN

I mean, just because I was a sailor doesn't mean I *like* bilge water!

#### LYDIA

So there's up, there's across. There's down again. There's one point where there's another of those massive gates that we came across the first few times, and I tell you guys to kind of like --

#### SASHA

We're out of Racket territory. They've got, there's an alliance here, so they should just let us through. Wouldn't be surprised if he's even told them that we're coming but from now on, stuff can go wrong. And round here what can go wrong, will go wrong.

#### ALEX

To chip in at this point, a couple of guards at one of those large doors, again, which has the bolts like you were saying -- it's aside, and the couple of guys there are clearly Barret guys. They show you through and they gesture for you to go talk to guards on the other side, who appear much scruffier, much less well-off, and so on. And without a word they sort of flank you guys and just start walking.

At that point I'm going to take a break there and we'll re-join it in a couple of minutes!

------

#### ALEX

And welcome back. So yeah, just picking up from where we left off. You guys were getting shown through an opposition territory, which is obviously much harder done by, and I'll tell you what, Lydia, you were doing a good job, keep going.

#### LYDIA

Right, this place is scruffy. I notice that the eels hanging from the stands are thin, wispy things without *any* good slime on them at all.

##### [THE NOISES OF WATER ARE STILL PRESENT, BUT ACCOMPANIED BY PEOPLE CHATTERING AND BABIES CRYING]

#### BEN

Substandard eels. 

#### LYDIA

Substandard eels! There are a lot of very pale rats and frogs. It's getting wetter. And water rolls if anything, like sliding through puddles. There's even rushes, like very pale rushes under some of the lights. Some stuff is growing, which sort of disgusts me, not that I let it on.

Yeah, we're moving through. I keep looking out for pickpocketers at this point, because we're not under protection now. I'm guessing these guys lead us to the opposite, like, straight through, and then... 

#### ALEX

Sure. And so they lead you through their territory and then eventually you make it. The buildings start petering away and it becomes very, very clear that no one's lived in this area any more.

##### [THE NOISES OF PEOPLE TALKING GROW DISTANT, AND FLOWING WATER TAKES ITS PLACE]

And they lead you basically towards a part where it's... there's still discolouring on the walls and things like that and it's... it's very clear that you're beneath where the floodwaters once were. Like very visibly beneath. And they eventually...

#### LYDIA

Is it marshy? 

#### ALEX

It's starting to get that way. There's not much unpaved stone, but most of the stone that you can see is buckled upwards. It looks like it wasn't made to deal with this kind of environment. 

#### BRYN

The loose ones squelch when you step on them. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, it has that... there's an awkward moment which is always the case where, let's say, Bertie walking along puts his foot on one of those slightly flaggy stones and it tips up, sprays mud up and... 

#### BEN

And he kicks it. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah. It's just, oof.

But they stop and they just gesture for you to carry on, and you see that it starts to slope down precipitously, and there's a couple of buildings, but it looks like a bunch of buildings have tumbled down. So there's lots of strewn stone.

And it goes downhill for a while and you're looking out over what is now the Thames, and there is... 

#### LYDIA

Is there still a roof over our head? 

#### ALEX

There's still a roof, but it's very high up. Like you've been heading down and the roof has been more or less level, and it's... In the distance you can see enormous, enormous buttresses holding it up. Like really huge steel constructions and girders and so on.

Heading down, you are looking out over this *fetid* Thames. It's barely moving and there's still pieces of rubble in the middle of it where they've fallen and been left to lie, and it's very clear that all of London -- both Londons -- are probably dumping into this. Certainly no one's using the water for anything, if you can call it water.

#### LYDIA

Ah, childhood swimming.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

And most of the buildings on both sides of the banks are gone. You see a similar slope on the opposite side, but on this nearest side you are looking down at what looks like a makeshift compound. Someone has sort of set up shop in a couple of buildings that are still remaining. It looks like they've made fencing out of corrugated iron, things like that. You see a couple of guys with dogs are walking the perimeter of it, and there's a large makeshift gate. You notice that the walls are, on the three sides, bordering up to the Thames, but not as high across the Thames. There's a nominal sort of barrier, like a railing, but the Thames being so low, it's mostly mud. Like, mudlark territory, if you know what I'm talking about. 

#### LYDIA

Is it on stilts, or is it built in the mud?

#### ALEX

Yeah, it's raised. The buildings that are still there are still built in, but most of the... you see a couple of wooden structures in there are raised upon stilts. Not really, really high or anything, just enough to get them out of the muck. 

#### LYDIA

But we're not... so we can just about see them, but they haven't seen us. 

#### ALEX

No, you're a good, like, say, 800 metres or something like that. A decent distance away where just through the haze you're looking down upon them. 

#### LYDIA

I hold a hand up and get everyone to crouch down.

#### SASHA

Right, so that looks like it's... I mean, Zolf, did you, did you have a plan? Or do you just want me to go in? 

#### ZOLF

We need to do proper reconnaissance so we know exactly what we're going up against. 

#### SASHA

Uh-huh. Alright, I'll go down, I guess. You guys have a lovely time back here with your quiche.

#### BERTIE

Picnic, yeah!

#### ZOLF

Take this as well.

#### BEN

I'll give you the healing potion that I've got, just in case. 

#### BRYN

I cast Message so that you can still talk to us. 

#### LYDIA

Ah, clever.

#### SASHA

Cheers.

#### LYDIA

And I... I guess I sneak my little sneaky heart out. 

#### HAMID

Just shout and we'll come running.

#### ZOLF

Good luck. 

#### ALEX

Give me a Stealth roll to approach the compound first? 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

14 plus 7, 21.

#### ALEX

21, yeah. So you start approaching and like you said, this is kind of old territory for you. As a kid you used to spend a bit of time around here. It's certainly not how you remember it -- the compound's fairly recent -- but nonetheless you know how to navigate the area and you know bogs to avoid, the bits that are quite shallow.

#### LYDIA

All of them! 

#### ALEX

Pretty much! Pretty much. 

#### LYDIA

I melt into the stone like mould on a cake. 

#### ALEX

You sort of... at first everyone else can follow Sasha heading to a pile of the rubble and then linger for a bit and then quickly move across, trotting across to another pile of rubble, but quite soon you lose her in sort of the haze and things. 

#### LYDIA

There's a haze as well! Great!

#### BRYN

I've just checked the spell Message and it doesn't have a long enough range to actually accomplish this. 

#### ALEX

I was about to say --

#### BRYN

So unless we move a bit closer... 

#### ALEX

-- she's going to drop out of range incredibly quickly. 

#### BRYN

...But I don't think we're going to be able to get a range where it's actually going to work. So I'll say, as you're moving out of the edge of range, I'll whisper that to you through the spell so you know. 

#### LYDIA

I'll say --

#### SASHA

That's alright, I'm not going all the way in. 

#### ALEX

Sure. You approach the compound, as close within reason as you'd like to with that Stealth check. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. So I think with that, I am still maybe like 10, 15 metres away. I just want to see how many guards they've got on. There's no way I'm going to be actually listening to their conversation. 

#### ALEX

Sure. You see basically those two guards are on patrol, and they just seem to run a path from up to the river on one wall-side with their dog. Up, across the gate, back down, around to the other side. It's just a square compound. They cross each other at the gate, occasionally. Linger. Maybe share a bite or something. 

#### LYDIA

Of quiche! No, we've invented quiche.

#### ALEX

You see in one of the still-remaining, old buildings in the compound, lights are on. And it becomes clear that the older buildings, people are only in the upper floors. So there is *a* shed which is on stilts, and then there is a... two buildings in there.

#### LYDIA

Right.

#### ALEX

One of which has the lights on on the second floor, one of which doesn't. And there are people moving in the one with the little windows. 

#### LYDIA

I want to get right around it and see if there is any possibility of us swimming in on the Thames side, possibly using some of Zolf's mists and magic. 

#### ALEX

Give me an extra Stealth check. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

8, plus 7. So only 15.

#### ALEX

Well, it's at least *possible* for them to discern you this time, so I'll give you an opposed roll.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Okay. As you start to do so, one of the dogs just sort of, the ears prick up, like the squirrel thing, and then the guy who's with the dog just -- he stops. He doesn't seem concerned. He clearly hasn't seen or heard anything, but nonetheless the dog sort of pricks its ears up and is definitelylooking in your general direction.

#### LYDIA

Alright.

#### ALEX

You made it, say, halfway to the river at that point. From there you can see that mud runs more or less right up to that compound, and it's clear that they've kind of got a bit lazy when it comes to the fencing. But you couldn't get any closer any that without, obviously, the dog reacting. 

#### LYDIA

_(lamenting)_ Yeah, it's not even going to be easy to stab anyone at this point, is it.

##### [ALEX SNICKERS]

#### LYDIA

I mean, I can't... with the dogs and everything, I can't go right up to them and even throw something. _(sighs)_ Stabbing.

Right, so I'm going to... 

#### BRYN

Hide one of the fire flasks inside an eel pie. 

#### LYDIA

Mmm. Oh, that's brutal!

#### ALEX

Oof.

#### LYDIA

Yeah. Right, I cannot see any easy way for me to sneak in if the dog is already aware of me. I'm not going to slip under that water and get in. So I'm going to come back and report to you guys, or get within Message range and tell you. 

#### ALEX

You may as well go the whole hog and just do the conversation and roleplay it. 

#### LYDIA

Alright.

#### SASHA

Right, so it's, er... they've got guards with dogs. I know how you feel about dogs now. But -- tell them that the thing's built right up against the river and I think it's possible we could sneak in maybe under the river, like maybe swimming. Or, like, if we...

#### HAMID

Is there a fence on the river side? 

#### SASHA

Yeah, but a small one. A small one. And we could maybe -- the guys and the dogs are, they're, they're not aware. We could shoot down one. 

#### ALEX

There were big chunks where, like I said, they loitered at the gate to share food, so there were good chunks of time. 

#### SASHA

We could swim down and at the times where they're away from the river, we could come down on the river side --

#### HAMID

_(overlapping)_ I don't know how easy it would be to swim, but Zolf might be able to... why don't you come back and we'll plan with Zolf and Bertie. 

#### ALEX

Okay, yeah we'll accelerate time. _(makes time-acceleration noises:)_ Br-th-th-th-loo! You sneak across...

##### [ALEX SINGS THE BENNY HILL THEME]

#### LYDIA

Astonishingly, they don't notice me with my brass band, but I'm *very* good. 

#### HAMID

What do you think we should do? What's the best way -- should we break into the compound? Should we take out the guards? 

#### ZOLF

Hmm. Yeah, I'm not sure. _(quietly)_ After that last fight I'm not too keen to get straight up into another brawl.

#### BERTIE

I recommend a daring frontal assault. 

#### SASHA

What I could do, I could throw... I could throw the last thunderstone in, see if it can knock them all out, and then go in and we stab 'em up. 

#### ZOLF

Do you know... was it only the guards who was in there, do you know how many other people there are inside or...? 

#### SASHA

There were lights on. There's people around, but it's... 

#### ZOLF

The only thing with the thunderstone is, it would alert everybody. If we can take out those guards nice and quick... 

#### HAMID

Do you think we could lure them away from the fence, somehow?

#### ZOLF

_(thoughtful)_ Maybe...

#### HAMID

And take them out slightly further from the compound, where their friends can't come and help. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah, were there are point that they might call for reinforcements... 

#### SASHA

So we could totally sneak down the river. Like, how fast are your... 

#### ZOLF

Could we not just sneak through the gate?

#### SASHA

Through the gate? 

#### ZOLF

Well, if they both leave... 

#### SASHA

They'll notice the gate opening from the inside.

#### BERTIE

Well, perhaps, if I might suggest, if someone... someone tall, charming, a very engaging personality, were to *talk* to the two guards when they are clustered at the front at the gate --

#### ZOLF

What are you suggest...

#### BERTIE

-- thereby providing a *distraction* for people who are better suited to swimming through filth --

##### [ALEX CACKLES]

#### BERTIE

-- to approach the compound from the rear.

#### ZOLF

We can get through... I mean, swimming through the river, you're more... familiar with it, but.

#### LYDIA

I've got minus 1 swim. I don't swim. 

#### ZOLF

I can't swim too well. I'm assuming that Bertie can't. We can't afford to have him take off his armour and put it back on again.

#### SASHA

No.

#### HAMID

I'm not very good at swimming either. 

#### ZOLF

So the riverbank. Can we traverse that or does it back straight on to the water? 

#### ALEX

There is a bit of a gap between the water and the compound. Not much. Like I said, it goes sort of muddy and then after a small period of mud you get to the actual water. So you could -- I mean, it looks like it would be tough work, like wading through mud.

#### SASHA

Do you spell people have anything like Sleep that can knock out those guards? Nothing? 

#### ZOLF

No. Not like that. 

#### HAMID

I still think our best way might be to just lure them away and see if we can... 

#### SASHA

I like it, but how? 

#### HAMID

I can try and make friends with one of them. I mean, that's a bit like Bertie's plan, but I have a spell that can do it. 

#### SASHA

Really? 

#### BERTIE

Are you saying my charm would be *insufficient?*

##### [BEAT]

#### HAMID

No! 

#### BERTIE

Good!

##### [PLAYERS LAUGH]

Then we're agreed. I'm very charming.

#### ZOLF

Alright, no, yeah. If you've got something in your arsenal that can do that, then let's do it. 

#### SASHA

Are you sure, Hamid? There's two men and two dogs. If it goes wrong... 

##### [BEAT]

#### HAMID

We'll just have to fight them, I guess. 

#### SASHA

Right, well, I'll be right by you. You won't see me but I'll be right there. 

#### HAMID

Okay.

#### ZOLF

Myself and Bertie will be waiting close by. 

#### ALEX

Okay, so out of character, I want you to spell out to me what your plan is before I can start running it through. 

#### BRYN

I'll wait until the guards are not next to each other. I'm going to approach one of them and cast Charm on him, and because I'll be a trusted friend, I'll be asking him to "just come over here and see this cool thing I've found!"

#### ALEX

Mhm. At which point... 

#### BRYN

Everyone else is going to jump out at him and... 

#### ALEX

*Shing! Chk.*

#### BEN

Yeah, lead him over to us. 

#### JAMES

Quick question, how long does this Charm Person last? 

#### ALEX

Pretty decent length of time, actually. 

#### JAMES

Can't we just send him to go off for a hike somewhere, and take the dog with him, and like... 

#### ALEX

He'll get a bonus to the save -- a little bonus to the save -- not to disobey an order that he's been previously given by someone, but it's certainly doable. 

#### JAMES

If we could just send him off somewhere, like he's off an errand. "You've got to go and get dog biscuits." Something like that. 

#### ALEX

Is your plan to get into the compound by telling someone to go buy some headlight fluid?

#### JAMES

Something like that. 

#### ALEX

Maybe some polka-dot paint. 

#### JAMES

Yep. Left-handed hammer, that sort of thing.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### HAMID

Should I try and do it to both of them? Should I try and cast a spell on both of them at the same time... 

#### ZOLF

Do you think you can? 

#### SASHA

You're the one who knows how it works. 

#### HAMID

I can try. I mean, not while they're next to each other but I can do it on one and then the two of us could get the other one. 

#### SASHA

Yeah.

#### ZOLF

Getting rid of them, yeah. 

#### ALEX

The casting of two Charms simultaneously is fine. They won't interfere with one another. 

#### BRYN

Separate combat rounds, technically, but... 

#### ALEX

Sure, sure. But all I meant, though, is that if you were isolating one of them and then got away with it so that the other person has come back and there's no one there, yeah, there's no problems. This is mostly for listeners -- if you Charm a person and then use another spell to Charm another person, you could hypothetically use all of your spells to Charm *all* of the people, but obviously then you wouldn't have any other spells. 

#### BEN

Oh, also... 

#### LYDIA

You'd have a lot of people on your side.

#### BEN

For people at home, I have actually been... I did double-check and I've been slightly misusing the way that clerics work. I've got Channel Energy, which I can do a certain number of times per day, which is my healing thing. At the moment I've been using spontaneous casting, which is actually better for the situation, but if anyone's going "Why hasn't he used the Channel Energy?" It's because I forgot I had it! But now I'm going to use it. So that's good.

##### [CHEERS FROM PLAYERS]

Just for people that are like, "This person doesn't know how to play the cleric." And it's like, "Yes. I do not." But I'm learning! 

#### ALEX

So that's your plan then? 

#### BRYN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

So presumably, then, everyone who isn't Hamid is going to be positioning themselves in such a way to get the jump on someone. 

#### LYDIA

Bertie's quite a long way away. 

#### JAMES

Yeah. My falcon's covered. 

#### ZOLF

Did you notice anywhere close by that we could, er... hide out? 

#### SASHA

Well, you won't like it. 

#### ALEX

I'm going to cut to Bertie, knee-deep in a quagmire.

#### LYDIA

"Knee"?

#### ALEX

Just knee. Just knee.

#### BEN

Submerged.

#### ALEX

*Drowning* in a quagmire. 

#### BEN

With a little reed snorkel. From within you can hear, "I don't like this."

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BERTIE

_(growling)_ Rackeeeeeet! 

#### ALEX

So he's knee-deep in a quagmire with everyone else positioned -- we'll call it a little hollow, and with Zolf off to one side and with Hamid suitably ready to head off with Sasha, obviously at the hollow as well.

In which case, then, how do you want to approach, Hamid? 

#### BRYN

Well, *not* stealthy, because I'm going to present myself as a friend. So I'll be sort of smiling and waving and being like, "coo-ey, over here!"

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

"Yoo-hoo!"

#### BRYN

And when I'm sure he's spotted me, I'll cast Charm. 

#### ALEX

So we'll roleplay the conversation, because you've got to get close enough, because of the range of that spell. 

#### BRYN

Yes, yes. 

#### JAMES

Do you need it timed? 

#### ALEX

Nah!

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Ey, who's that? 

#### HAMID

Coo-ey. Hi, hi, it's good to see you again! Do you remember me? Oh my God, you have to see... 

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Don't come any closer. 

#### HAMID

No, no no, you have to see what's just around that corner. There's this *weird* statue!

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Listen, stay away! 

#### HAMID

_(steamrolling)_ Have you ever seen the statue?! It's of a falcon --

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Listen, right... If you don't *listen* --

#### HAMID

_(overlapping)_ It's EXCITING! 

#### ALEX

Now cast your spell. _(laughing)_ Great, by the way. 

#### BRYN

I cast the spell.

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, it's just a Will save, isn't it. Ooh. Oooooh.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

What's the DC that he has to hit? 

#### BRYN

I think it's only 14. 

#### ALEX

Oh, he's just rolled a 14!

#### LYDIA

Ooh, you are *not* charming enough!

#### BRYN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

You could do another one but you'll be taking a penalty for doing it immediately afterwards. The guy looks at you, a bit confused, and goes,

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Look, look, right. This is your last warning! You come any closer and I *will* let the dog off. 

#### HAMID

Look, just come! Follow me and see.

#### BRYN

I'm going to turn and start jogging back where I was coming anyway. 

#### ALEX

Okay.

#### BRYN

And just try and tempt him into following that way.

##### [LYDIA SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

Sure. The guy... 

#### BRYN

But I'm not moving very fast. 

#### ALEX

I get you. I get you. The guy doesn't follow, and then you hear him calling to the other guard. At which point the other guard comes jogging around. The two of them have a muttered conversation you can't hear, just keeping an eye on you as you're heading off. And then *both* of them head off, following you with their dogs. So they are now approaching the hollow. 

#### LYDIA

Uh... Great! 

#### BEN

When do you get back to us? 

#### ALEX

You've got a decent lead because he had to call his friend, wait for him to come back, you'll have had to have presumably pretended that you fell down a bit... buy yourself some time. But you've got a decent lead on them, a couple of minutes for you to prepare if you need. 

#### BEN

Well, we're not aware. 

#### ALEX

No, no, I mean, once he gets back you'll *still* have a couple of minutes. They're not loosing the dogs. 

#### LYDIA

I want to be hidden behind the rock at a point where, as they go *past* me, I can stab them in the back. 

#### ALEX

That's totally the right thing to do. 

#### BEN

I want to make a slight mechanical point to wait until we've engaged. Because if you start, they turn around you and engage you, and you lose all of your rogue benefits after that first hit. 

#### LYDIA

Awww.

#### ALEX

But if you sneak up on them, they're already being flanked, so you get the bonuses and then you can still sustain. 

#### LYDIA

Cool! So I'm not quite in the hollow. I'm actually a little bit ahead, but hidden around the corner so that as you approach the hollow, I am behind you. 

#### ALEX

Sure.

#### BRYN

Learning from previous incidents, I'm going to prepare myself holding two eel quiches! To try and tempt some dogs.

#### BEN

Just shaving cream pies, but instead of shaving cream...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Zolf and I are both carrying a large pane of glass across the road.

#### BEN

To me, to you! 

#### JAMES

To me, to you, to me, to you --

#### ALEX

So Zolf, what's your preparation? 

#### BEN

I am actually right behind the rock, so that if they come around I'm really close to them with my trident. 

#### ALEX

Sure. And Bertie? 

#### JAMES

I'm standing knee-deep in a pool of waste at this point in my life. So. 

#### ALEX

And Hamid's been calling out that "there's a giant falcony statue! Oh my goodness! Look at the falcony statue!" 

#### JAMES

Okay. I start thinking about how I can bluff myself as a magic talking statue to quite stupid guards...

##### [SNICKERING]

Who I *assume* are quite stupid guards because my character is a massive snob. So can I prep that in any way? 

#### ALEX

Er, hmm... 

#### LYDIA

A disguise... what is your disguise?

#### ALEX

I tell you what, you could disguise yourself as a statue. 

#### BRYN

Disguise yourself as a statue. It has to happen. 

#### ALEX

If Sasha does it and if she hurries, yeah, you can do it. 

#### LYDIA

I'm afraid I'm already a few... 

#### ALEX

Oh, she's already...

#### BRYN

Just toss him the disguise kit.

#### BEN

No, Bertie's going to have to rely on his own ingenuity. 

#### ALEX

Go on, then. 

#### JAMES

Yeah, alright, fine. Okay, a disguise, I've got a plus 1 to this because it's a Charisma-based stat...

#### ALEX

Ooh! Go on! 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

Twenty!

##### [THE TABLE BURSTS INTO ROARS OF LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

Yes! 

#### BRYN

Best natural 20 ever! 

#### ALEX

Oh wow! Oh wow! Okay, I've got to close on that. I have to close on that. 

#### BRYN

We're going to draw up this battle map, and we'll see you next week! 

#### ALEX

Oh, you! Right, so, bye everyone. Sorry, *bye!*

#### ALL

Bye!

##### [SHOW THEME -- OUTRO] 

#### ALEX

*Rusty Quill Gaming* is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today's episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Join our community on Discord, or via Reddit at r/rustyquill. Thanks for listening. 

------

#### BRYN

_(with an American announcer accent)_ Previously on Rusty Quill... 

#### JAMES

_(with an American announcer accent)_ Previously on Bryn's introduction... 

#### BEN

Meat golems!

------

#### SASHA

Maybe we could just leave some eel pies, for the dogs, and that'll distract them. 

#### ZOLF

Yeah, but then they'll probably wonder where the eel pies came from. 

#### SASHA

Round here, you get a lot of eel pie.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

Just growing spontaneously out of the riverbank? 

#### ALEX

It's not pie: _(in Gragg's voice)_ Keeeesh. 

#### LYDIA

I did not say that in character.

------

#### LYDIA

Did you ever use your eel? 

#### JAMES

No. 

#### LYDIA

Cos he threw his eel, you've still got your eel. 

#### JAMES

I've still got my eel. My eel remains unthrown. 

#### ALEX

It's significantly the worse for wear. 

#### BEN

Is it an untossed eel? 

#### JAMES

It is an untossed eel. It's a holstered eel. I've got it, I've got it -- 

#### BEN

_(laughing)_ A holstered eel! 

#### JAMES

I've got it tucked into my bandolier...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

Just floppin' around. 

#### JAMES

That's what it's doing, it's there wiggling to distract my opponents. 

#### LYDIA

The mustard has got everywhere.

#### BEN

I think I'm gonna have to play an eel-based character next time, and we'll have to wait while Bryn explodes!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

For listeners at home, Bryn has turned __purple.__

#### BRYN

_(high-pitched with laughter)_ It was the floppy eel getting mustard everywhere! 