---
layout:          post
title:           "XXX100.2 - Deadlands Special Part 2"
date:            2018-04-19 12:00:00 -0400
episode_type:      special
tags:            [Non-Canon, Deadlands]
categories:			"crossover"
podcasts: ["tma", "rqg"]
title_prefix:	"XXX"
prev_categories: ["crossover"]
prev_prefixes: ["XXX"]
next_categories: ["tma"]
next_prefixes: ["MAG"]
prev_episode:   ['1001-deadlands-special-p1']
next_episode:   ['1003-rustyfears-lucid']
prev_episode_num:		['100.1']
next_episode_num:		['100.3']
prev_episode_title:		["Deadlands Special Part 1"]
next_episode_title:		["Lucid (Rusty Fears Winner)"]
episode_title:   'Deadlands Special Part 2'
episode_number:  '100.2'
summary:         "Join Jonny Sims outside of his role as the Archivist as he leads Alex J Newall, James Ross, Bryn Monroe and Ben Meredith through the second half of their spooky adventure in the Deadlands Campaign setting of Savage Worlds. <br/><br/>Listen to our gang slowly fall apart as they desperately attempt to survive in a world populated by supernatural horror."
content_flags:   [Gun Violence, Blunt Object Violence, Body Horror]
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/themagnusarchives/mag100.2-deadlandsspecialpart2
formats: 
  Google Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PQD0DLagcY2FdeJTLtWmuJKm6XTHdHd8vXvQVlVE-lY/
  DOCX: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rKD3bqWkFzxXJCzSWteqNOZIukrK1jBe/
official:        false
unofficial:      "mailto:teawoodleaf@gmail.com"
unofficial_name: tea wood
wiki_url:        
---

#### JONNY

Hello, and welcome to part 2 of the Deadlands Halloween special--

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ Ooooooooh!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --at the Rusty Quill Gaming Podcast!

#### ALEX

Oooooh, spooky!

#### BEN

_(deadpan)_ So spooky.

#### JONNY

If you haven't listened to episode 1, then... none of this would mean anything to you, so go back and listen to episode 1. We'll see you... it doesn't take very long.

#### JAMES

We'll see you last week.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ We'll see you soon.

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Waheyyyyyy!

##### [BEN AND ALEX CHUCKLE]

#### JONNY

So, we'll continue right now. So, everyone hears an ear-splitting scream, from deep inside the cavern. Zeke, you are part of the way down your tunnel when you hear a scream from behind you. I will say, for our listeners, that in the meantime, there has been... some *secret rolling,* between Alex and the thing that was once Blackjack Bronson.

##### [BRYN GASPS]

#### JONNY

But nobody except me and Alex knows how that went! So.

#### BRYN

Zeke turns around, and sprints towards the scream.

#### JONNY

You run almost bodily into... Fletcher.

#### NATHANIEL

Ohh, flee! Fleeeee!

#### ZEKE

What happened?

#### NATHANIEL

Oh, it--uh--I dunno! I dunno, Blackjack went weird! So... we gotta go! _(nervous singsong)_ There's a thing and we gotta flee...

#### ZEKE

Where is he?

#### NATHANIEL

It--back there, go nuts.

#### ALEX

I'm immediately standing up and trying to just run past Zeke.

##### [ZEKE SIGHS]

#### BRYN

I *reluctantly* let him flee.

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### NATHANIEL

Fleeeeeeee!

#### BRYN

Then go down the tunnel, towards the terrifying evil monster. 'Cause I am *not* genre-savvy.

#### JONNY

Okay!

##### [CHUCKLING]

#### JONNY

You can't hear anything from in front of you. It's about a minute of walking, same as for Fletcher. No sound, no movement. You cast your lantern around, it's a small, roughly-hewn cavern.

#### BRYN

Mm-hm.

#### JONNY

You see the scratches on the wall. You see the... nest of discarded clothes. And lying in... the center of the room, surrounded by a pool of translucent ichor... is Blackjack Bronson's skin. It looks almost entirely whole, but there is nothing inside it. The face is very recognizable, though. His moustache *sags* obscenely.

#### BRYN

_[CHUCKLES APPRECIATIVELY]_ Zeke will... poke at the... skin with his club.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ Ohhh, Zeke.

#### BRYN

_(simult, laughing)_ Just...

#### ALEX

*Don't* poke the *thing!*

#### BRYN

Just to see if there's anything there, and then he'll do the same to the other piece of skin.

#### JONNY

It looks...

#### BRYN

And then he might--

#### JONNY

Poking the--

#### BRYN

--go and do it to the nest. He's just gonna poke around.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Poking--

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ He doesn't wanna get too close.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Poking the other--

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ *Don't __poke__ it!*

#### JONNY

--pieces of skin, they sort of start to flop away, and you can see that they are also... complete people's worth's of skin. Some further decayed than others. Maybe four or five... collections?

#### BRYN

_[SHUDDERS]_ Is there anything in the nest, if I go and poke around, for...

#### JONNY

Not that you can see. Oh, there's a pocket watch, actually, that might fetch a... few dollars. It's covered in blood.

#### BRYN

I pocket it.

#### JONNY

Meanwhile, y--

#### NATHANIEL

FLEEEEE!

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

Yup. Fletcher...

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

...runs screaming into the main part of the cave.

#### NATHANIEL

Fleeeee!

#### ALEX

I immediately start trying to grab a horse.

#### JONNY

Okay. He's trying to grab a horse.

#### CIGARILLO

Wh--w--Fletcher, what's goin' on?

#### NATHANIEL

Death! Doom!

#### CIGARILLO

W--just f--

#### ALEX

Grabbing and shaking.

#### NATHANIEL

Death! Flee!

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ I'm gonna get my pistol out, and push it--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ We gotta flee! We've *gotta flee!*

#### BEN

--against his chest?

#### NATHANIEL

Oh--*come on, now*.

#### CIGARILLO

What's goin' on?

#### NATHANIEL

We gotta *flee*.

#### CIGARILLO

Oh yeah? _(nervous panting)_ Three people go in, one person comes out?

#### NATHANIEL

Exactly! Look at me, *I can't take them!*

#### CIGARILLO

Y--u--d--h--how do I know? Uh--we got guns! They kinda level things!

#### NATHANIEL

*Take it!*

#### ALEX

I literally hand over my derringer.

#### NATHANIEL

We *gotta go!*

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ It looks like it's been fired...

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ We gotta go *right now!*

#### JONNY

...twice.

#### CIGARILLO

You *shot* this.

#### NATHANIEL

Well, yeah, I shot this, the thing's trying to get me!

#### CIGARILLO

I didn't hear a gunshot. I--I he--I heard you scream, but--

#### JAMES

During this conversation, Carl has taken Marjorie down and is now holding it at... Fletcher's chest.

#### NATHANIEL

Okay. New plan. Okay? Great. Here--here's what we're gonna do. Right? I am gonna--I'm gonna *sit,* *here,* like, *on the ground,* okay? You can *point* your guns at me, that's fine, as long as one of you keeps pointing your gun at *that cave.* Because *death.* Lots of *death.* Death.

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ What does that mean?

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ At this point...

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Death.

#### JONNY

...Zeke, looking a bit bloodier than he did, when he went down the tunnel... emerges into the mouth of the cave.

#### NATHANIEL

Kill it! Kill it now!

#### CIGARILLO

Whoa--whoa--wh-whoa--whoa--whoa whoa, whoa!

#### ZEKE

Guys.

#### CIGARILLO

Where's Blackjack?

#### ZEKE

Something *ate* Blackjack.

#### NATHANIEL

I--see! I *told* you. I *told you!*

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ Well, whaddaya mean "ate"?

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ I said the things are gonna kill us--

#### ZEKE

We gotta find it and we gotta *kill it.*

#### NATHANIEL

*Or*... **_or_**... we have an *extra horse.* And we flee. We flee! _(nervous tune)_ Doodle-oo-doo! Away we go.

#### CIGARILLO

But we got a--there's a posse out there lookin' for us.

#### NATHANIEL

*Posses* don't eat people, they put them in jail.

#### CIGARILLO

No.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ I don't know about--

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ They shoot them. Or they *hang* them!

#### NATHANIEL

Oh yeah. Uh...

#### ZEKE

It's probably just a coyote or something.

#### NATHANIEL

Y--*sure.* That. I mean. It--it kinda ate him while I was there. And it was invisible, and it ate him from the inside out, and it's gonna kill us all, ish, sorta--

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ What--what're you--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ --now, why don't we--

#### CIGARILLO

--talkin' about?

#### NATHANIEL

_(tiredly)_ *I don't know,* 'cause I can't see it, let's go, give me my gun or something, we flee, we go, like, I--t--*how--how is no one perturbed by this?*

#### CIGARILLO

But--

##### [ANOTHER LONG MENACING BREATH FROM DEEPER IN THE CAVE]

#### CIGARILLO

Y--w--

#### NATHANIEL

*This is my POINT!*

#### CIGARILLO

Well, I'm--I'm perturbed, but--

#### NATHANIEL

That's clearly *death!*

#### CIGARILLO

There's a *posse* outside that's definitely gonna kill us.

#### ZEKE

It sounds like--sounds like a coyote growl to me.

#### NATHANIEL

*Sounds a lot like DEATH!*

#### ZEKE

Let's stick together, let's *hunt* this thing.

##### [PAUSE]

#### NATHANIEL

And *I'll* guard the *horses*.

#### ZEKE

*You* are comin' with me.

#### NATHANIEL

*Why?*

#### ZEKE

'Cause I don't like ya.

#### CIGARILLO

What d'you think, Carl?

#### CARL

THE--THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE HAS A SUGGESTION. WE'RE HERE AT THE MOUTH OF THE CAVE, AND OUTSIDE THERE'S A POSSE AND THAT'S VERY DANGEROUS. INSIDE, THERE MAY OR MAY NOT BE SOME DANGER. WHY DON'T WE REMAIN HERE, MAINTAIN A WATCH LOOKING IN BOTH DIRECTIONS, AND WAIT IT OUT?

#### NATHANIEL

That's an *excellent* plan, let's do that--

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ That sounds all right.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ --let's wait by the horses.

#### ZEKE

I am not waitin' for a coyote to come for me.

#### NATHANIEL

You've got a gun! He's got a *huuuge* gun!

#### ZEKE

I'm goin' in there, and I'm findin' it, and I'm killin' it.

#### NATHANIEL

Best of luck to you, Zeke, that'll--

#### ZEKE

While it's still *slow*.

#### CIGARILLO

See--um--

#### ZEKE

You never seen an animal eat before? They get *slow* after.

#### NATHANIEL

That's--you know what? You should. You should go hunt that thing. Tell you what, you give me my gun back--

#### ZEKE

_(simult.)_ Anyone who's not--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ --I'll guard--

#### ZEKE

--a sniveling coward, come with me.

#### NATHANIEL

Have a good time, guys. That'll be great. I--I wish you all the best, if you'd allow me to keep my gun.

#### BEN

I'll hand you back...

#### NATHANIEL

And in case the posse come I'll keep them at bay!

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ I'll hand you back--

#### ZEKE

_(simult.)_ Do *not* give him his gun back.

#### CIGARILLO

I--I--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult, antsy)_ Oh, come onnn.

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ --it's p--it's pretty rubbish.

#### ZEKE

Do *not* trust him with it. He's as likely to take a shot at you and--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Tell you what.

#### ZEKE

_(simult.)_ --try and get out on his own.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ You give me my gun, but--

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ Yeah, sure thing, Zeke.

#### NATHANIEL

--just don't give me any bullets.

#### CIGARILLO

Why do you need your gun, then?

#### NATHANIEL

I'll hold it and feel better.

#### CIGARILLO

No?

#### NATHANIEL

_(sighing)_ Aw.

#### CIGARILLO

I'm gonna listen to that guy.

#### NATHANIEL

Why?

#### ZEKE

I'm--

#### CIGARILLO

'Cause look at him!

#### NATHANIEL

Yeah, he's big!

#### CIGARILLO

Look at--

#### NATHANIEL

He should go hunt a coyote while I guard the entrance.

#### CARL

WELL, LOOK, IF WE'RE--IF WE'RE GOING ANYWHERE WE'VE GOTTA STICK TOGETHER. THERE'S NO SENSE US LEAVING THIS... USELESS LITTLE TOSSPIECE...

##### [ALEX AND BEN CHUCKLING]

#### CARL

...OUT ON HIS OWN. HE'LL ONLY GET SHOT OR CAPTURED AND TELL US--TELL EVERYONE OUT THERE WHERE WE ARE!

#### JONNY

*Smash cut* to... you're in the cave.

#### JAMES

_(laughs)_ Yeah.

#### JONNY

Going down, I'm gonna say you are at... the crossroads.

#### ALEX

Presumably all of us, 'cause there was no way to negotiate that.

#### JONNY

Yes. Yes, you are in front, with...

#### ALEX

Of course I am.

#### JONNY

...obviously all the guns pointed at your back are actually pointed at any dangers that might be in *front* of you. You are currently at the--where the cave splits.

#### BRYN

We'll go down the right one first.

#### JONNY

The one--

#### BRYN

To just make sure we thoroughly explore the nest.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ The right one, or the *wrong* one?

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ And then we'll come back and go down the other one.

#### JONNY

Okay. Yeah, you can find--

##### [BEN SNORTS]

#### JONNY

--you can find your lantern. It is... fine!

#### BEN

Waheyyyyyy!

#### ALEX

I immediately--

#### BEN

Small mercies.

#### ALEX

--pick it up and go:

#### JONNY

Mm-hm.

#### NATHANIEL

You see? See. Everything's fine, you can give me my gun because I'm in front of you all anyway.

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ Just... keep your--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Everything's fine.

#### CIGARILLO

--your--y-your lantern.

#### JONNY

You can see that there is... a nest which looks like it's been gradually built up from stolen clothes, piles of complete sets of human skin...

#### NATHANIEL

Hah! *See?* See? *I* don't eat people! You know *why?* Because--'cause I couldn't fit 'em in. Where would I have put that--

#### JONNY

And in the middle... with a nice neat seam down the back... is the skin of Blackjack Bronson.

#### BEN

I'm gonna pull a Hamid...

#### JONNY

Mm-hm?

#### BEN

...and vomit.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

I'm gonna use the opportunity to try to steal my gun back.

#### JONNY

James, could you make me a Smarts roll?

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

Oh, one of them is a 6!

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BRYN

Explode.

#### JAMES

8, total.

#### JONNY

Yeah. Based on what you're seeing here, you'd probably be willing to wager that... whatever took you on that job was not Blackjack Bronson.

#### JAMES

Mm-hm.

#### JONNY

Based on your... based on what you'd seen of him before, your suspicions, and the fact that his *skinsuit* is now lying here.

#### JAMES

_[LAUGHS]_ "Huh!" Did I--how high did I need to roll in order to go like--

##### [BRYN CHUCKLES]

#### JAMES

--"Ah, that's a skinsuit!" _[indistinct]_

#### JONNY

Higher than you would've before you started playing...

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### JONNY

_(laughing)_ ...Carl as a very old...

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### CARL

I'M AN OLD MAN.

#### JONNY

...*borderline*...

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ DON'T NOTICE MANY THINGS...

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ ...*dementiac* man.

#### CARL

...MANY THINGS AS THERE WERE BEFORE. YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK THAT... UH, BLACKJACK BRONSON TOOK US ON JOB, WERE... SAME AS BLACKJACK BRONSON I KNOW FROM YEARS AGO.

#### ALEX

I continue trying to steal my gun back.

#### CARL

I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU.

#### JONNY

Okay. Make me a Stealth roll.

#### BEN

And do I make a--a--

#### JONNY

A Notice roll.

#### BEN

--Notice? Yes.

#### JAMES

Me too? 'Cause I'm...

#### JONNY

No, you're--you're too busy *thinking*.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

All right.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### CARL

OOOOHHH.

#### BEN

5.

#### ALEX

The 6 explodes!

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### ALEX

To an... 11.

#### JONNY

You have your gun back.

#### ALEX

I have my gun back. I proc--

#### JONNY

You did not notice.

#### ALEX

And proceed to--

#### BEN

Fair enough.

#### ALEX

--on the sly, try and just load it or something.

#### JONNY

With an 11, I'm gonna say yeah, you can get your gun back and you can load it.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ And then I--

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ So I would say, like, I dropped it when I was vomiting.

#### ALEX

Yeah, I just pocket it. No one knows that I have my gun, but I'd rather have a gun. Guns are good.

#### BRYN

I -- yeah, I'm just gonna explore this cavern fully.

#### ZEKE

Maybe it weren't a coyote.

#### NATHANIEL

You *see?* You see -- this -- *this* is what I'm getting at.

#### CIGARILLO

_[PANTING]_ What d--what d'y--_[coughs]_--what d'you think it was? I...

#### NATHANIEL

I think it was *death on legs.* I think it was death on legs, and it's coming for us, and we can *leave.* W -- there are *horses.*

#### ZEKE

There's plenty --

#### NATHANIEL

Horses have *four.* This thing--

#### ZEKE

_(simult.)_ There's plenty of animals--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ --presumably has to--

#### ZEKE

--that don't eat the skin.

#### CIGARILLO

I'm--I'm gonna--um--

#### ZEKE

It's probably still just some... *beast* of some kind.

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ I'm just gonna--

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ NO, SKIN'S THE BEST BIT. IT'S LIKE CRACKLING. IT'S DELICIOUS!

##### [NATHANIEL GROANS]

#### CIGARILLO

I--I'm gonna throw my hat with F-Fletcher here, I--

#### NATHANIEL

*See?*

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ --I--I'd like to take my chances with the posse.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ *Smart kid.* Smart kid.

#### CIGARILLO

You know? I dunno what's goin' on.

#### CARL

HE MIGHT HAVE A POINT THERE, ZEKE. I MEAN... YOU KNOW, UH, BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU CAN SHOOT THE DEVIL IN... FACE.

##### [ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

#### ZEKE

One animal... or a *dozen* angry townsfolk.

#### CIGARILLO

_[QUIET HALF-LAUGH]_ I'm startin' to think I wanna take on the townsfolk.

##### [AN EVEN MORE THREATENING EXHALE FROM THE CAVE UNDER ZEKE'S WORDS]

#### ZEKE

If you've never had a hangin' posse after you before--

#### CIGARILLO

*Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.*

#### NATHANIEL

_(urgent whisper)_ *Shut up.*

#### ZEKE

_(pointedly louder)_ --you don't know--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Shut up. Shut--sh--sh--_[muffled angry noises]_

#### ZEKE

_(simult.)_ --what you're talk--I CAN'T HEAR NOTHING.

#### NATHANIEL

_(gritted teeth)_ I know you can't, so *shut up!*

#### ALEX

I listen.

##### [PAUSE]

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ *Nothing*.

#### ZEKE

_(simult.)_ There's nothing there!

##### [CHUCKLES]

#### NATHANIEL

Okay, so.

#### ALEX

I'm just sort of backing and standing *deliberately* right next to Cigarillo.

#### NATHANIEL

*So.* *You* wanna hunt this thing, that's a great idea. How do you feel--you feel that I'm safe now? We can go guard--

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ Wh--y--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ --the entrance, yeah?

#### CIGARILLO

I still don't--no! I still don't trust you!

#### NATHANIEL

Oh come *on,* man.

#### CIGARILLO

No, i--y--w--w--right, we should stay together. Uh--y--you know--uh--the--i----

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ I grab one of the lanterns.

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ --we'll--we'll get--

#### BRYN

And I start walking back to the fork in the...

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### NATHANIEL

This is great! We're heading back the way we came. Everything is fine. We're going to leave.

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ Everyone will be fine.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ When we get back to the fork, I turn down the other route.

#### JONNY

Okay!

#### CIGARILLO

Z--Z--_(whispering)_ Zeke, *really?*

#### CARL

COME ON NOW, ZEKE, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE ABOUT THIS, LAD?

#### ZEKE

Yes.

#### ALEX

I'm waiting at that fork, and I'm not even gonna go to the entrance 'cause I'm afraid he'll *kill* me if *do*.

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### ALEX

But I'm not going to down the tunnel, 'cause I'm afraid I'll *die* if I *go* there.

#### JAMES

Carl tosses up the options, looks at... these two measly pathetic excuses of...

#### ALEX

Look, I'll give my--

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ ALL RIGHT, FINE.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ --best winning *smile* with a little slicked comb over my hair.

##### [BRYN CHUCKLES]

#### BEN

Yup.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult, coaxing)_ Eh? Ahh?

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ I'll sigh, and be like... kind of still shaking a bit but get round--

#### NATHANIEL

Eh?

#### BEN

--behind him and start pushing him down the right-hand--

#### NATHANIEL

Uh--no--no!

#### CARL

DON'T WEAR YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LASS FROM HALIFAX.

#### BEN

With his--

#### NATHANIEL

No.

#### BEN

With my pistol *jammed* in the small of his back.

#### NATHANIEL

Oh, come *on!* You know that I'm good for it! Like--everything's fine!

#### CIGARILLO

Look, shut up, there's nothing you can do, I've got your gun.

#### CARL

COME ON.

#### CIGARILLO

All right?

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ ALL RIGHT, AFTER ZEKE, COME ON, LADS.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

#### CIGARILLO

Wait. The w--ohh *no,* I musta dropped it! Sorry, I've lost your gun.

#### NATHANIEL

Oh come on! That's awful! I'm *so* annoyed!

#### JONNY

Further down that passage it goes on for quite a while, getting deeper and deeper. And it splits off into what looks likely to be a small network of passages.

#### ALEX

I, very slowly, to show that I'm not trying to pick a fight... pull out my hidden knife...

#### JONNY

_(chuckling)_ Mm-hm?

#### ALEX

...and etch an arrow, scratching it into the rock, pointing back the way we came. And then very slowly and obviously for everyone, put it *back* where it came from.

#### ZEKE

That's good thinking, Fletcher. Maybe you're not so useless after all.

#### CIGARILLO

Oh. Wait, uhhh... uh--the--could someone hold my gun? Please, I just--

#### NATHANIEL

I can hold the gun.

#### CIGARILLO

Could someone else hold my gun?

#### BRYN

I...

#### CIGARILLO

Thanks, Zeke.

#### BEN

And I'm gonna load the rifle.

#### JONNY

Oh yeah, _(laughing)_ you didn't actually reload it--

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ No, no.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --after your shot!

#### BEN

So is it bolt-action, or...

#### JONNY

It doesn't matter. It's one shot.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

You reload it.

#### BEN

Cool.

#### CARL

I'VE GOT SOME EXPERIENCE, UHHH, TRACKING ANIMALS. WHEN YOU'RE OUT HERE FOR AS LONG AS I'VE BEEN, IN, UH, LIKE, DEEP AMERICAN... WEST. I'VE NOT ACQUIRED THE ACCENT, OBVIOUSLY, BUT I HAVE ACQUIRED... A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TRACKING EXPERIENCE. SO I'M GONNA LOOK AROUND.

#### JAMES

It--

#### JONNY

Probably used to be a poacher, back in Yorkshire.

#### JAMES

Yeah, probably! Carl starts picking things up and just licking them, going:

#### CARL

OH--THAT'S NOT FECES.

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### CARL

THAT'S NOT FECES.

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ Oh for god's sake.

#### CARL

*THAT'S* NOT FECES.

#### JONNY

Meanwhile, what does Zeke do?

##### [ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

_(laughing)_ Zeke is now...

##### [ALEX SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]

#### JONNY

...bizarrely, the *driving force of the plot*.

#### BRYN

Guys, I just have to say: I'm enjoying *so* much being the airhead *jock*...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

...in a horror movie scenario!

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### BRYN

I'm the idiot who never learned how horror movies work.

##### [JAMES AND BEN CHUCKLE]

#### ALEX

This is great.

#### BRYN

I'm gonna ask Carl which way we should go.

#### JAMES

Do I do some sort of tracking roll?

#### JONNY

Yeah, you can roll Tracking!

#### JAMES

Cool.

#### BEN

Thought you were just gonna lick rocks and call them feces.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

Yeah. 4.

#### JONNY

The... third thing you lick... is still not feces.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### CARL

WHOAA, WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT.

#### JONNY

At which point you kind of give up on that particular method of tracking...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

...and notice the large *drag marks*.

##### [LOUD LAUGHTER]

#### CARL

DRAG MARKS, HERE! FLETCHER, THERE'S A *DRESS* OVER HERE!

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### BEN

That took a while for me to get that one.

#### JONNY

There's...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING, HAVING JUST GOTTEN IT]

#### BEN

_(laughing)_ There we go.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Thank you.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ Sorry.

#### JAMES

Thank you.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

Go on. Large drag marks.

#### JONNY

They're quite old. You reckon... a couple of weeks, maybe. But they go from this passage through the dirt and curve into one of the tunnels leading off.

#### JAMES

Okay. Can I tell what has been dragged?

#### JONNY

It looks like people. It looks like a person. There are two lines as though legs have been dragged.

#### JAMES

Sure.

#### CARL

WELL IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW, IT'S THE MARKS MADE BY A BODY AS IT'S DRAGGED OUT BY A POSITION UNDER THE ARMS, ACROSS, INTO A PASSAGE, IN THE DIM DAR--A VERY SPECIFIC KNOWLEDGE. YOU CAN'T--IT'S BOARDING SCHOOLS IN YORKSHIRE.

#### ZEKE

So...

#### NATHANIEL

So--so it's a--

#### ZEKE

This way.

#### NATHANIEL

--thing that *carried a person away.* Let's list the animals that *carry things away*.

#### CIGARILLO

Uh, humans?

#### NATHANIEL

*Yes.* Okay? Humans are *scary*...

#### CIGARILLO

W--

#### NATHANIEL

...but they don't steal, like... who--who do you know who *skins* people?

#### BRYN

I walk down that passage now that--

#### CIGARILLO

I--!

#### BRYN

--Carl's pointed it out.

#### ALEX

I'm gonna continue bickering, whilst--

#### CIGARILLO

I--

#### ALEX

--being forced along this--

#### CIGARILLO

Look. I--I _[indistinct]_ one guy in Brooklyn who said he'd skinned a guy!

#### JONNY

So, you two are heading...

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

...down the passage--

#### JAMES

Yup.

#### JONNY

--you two are still bickering. So who is not currently carrying a lantern?

#### JAMES

Carl isn't, because Carl is having a two-handed rifle.

#### JONNY

Cool.

#### BRYN

The rest of us have lanterns.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Good to know.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ That's true.

#### BEN

And although I've loaded my rifle I'm holding it like this.

#### JONNY

Yeah. So, you two are bickering, you two are heading down this passage. It leads to a smaller room, and in the walls, it's got divots, sort of carved. And hanging from them... look to be very old hooks. Some of which... yes, *have* *more skin on them.* But in the corner is quite a well-kept looking chest. Or a trunk. Probably the sort you'd use for coach travel.

#### BRYN

I walk over to it, and attempt to open it.

#### JONNY

It is not locked. Inside, a lot of money, lot of jewelry, valuables, some small books, some guns, ammo, and quite a prominent leather-bound journal.

#### BRYN

I close the chest again...

#### JONNY

Mm-hm.

#### BRYN

...and say:

#### ZEKE

Hmm. This may not've been a wasted trip altogether. Let's take this back to the horses.

#### BRYN

I don't want to *admit* that I can't read.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BEN

That's fair enough.

#### JONNY

There is a gunshot. And your lantern explodes, plunging you into darkness.

#### BRYN

I *curse* loudly.

#### JONNY

Mm-hm. James!

#### JAMES

Mm-hm?

#### JONNY

Could you make me a Fighting roll?

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

7!

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

You feel yourself getting claws into your shoulders, and you are dragged away.

#### JAMES

Oh.

#### BEN

Do any of us see this? 'Cause we've got two other lanterns.

#### JONNY

Well, that depends what sort of vocalizations you make.

#### CARL

NOOO, GET OFF ME, I'M NOT GIVING YOU A PIGGYBACK! GO ON! *POO* OFF WITH YE!

#### JAMES

Carl takes a rifle and starts shooting behind him.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

As he moves.

#### BEN

Fair enough.

#### JONNY

Yup. There are gunshots. You see... just a few milliseconds of Carl being bodily lifted by... it looks like a skinless human with large pointed teeth, and wicked claws.

#### BRYN

I drop everything I'm holding except for my club, and I'm gonna just jump forward, and give a wild swing, *above* the level of Carl's head?

#### JONNY

You'll be making me a Fighting roll, -6 because it is *pitch* darkness.

#### BRYN

That seems fair!

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BRYN

-4!

#### ALEX

*Ooohh!*

#### BRYN

I might use a--

#### ALEX

*What?* Ohhh.

#### BRYN

--reroll on that?

#### JONNY

Yup!

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BRYN

That was a 0, on my d10, so I'm gonna reroll it.

#### BEN

Nice.

#### BRYN

And a 4, so 14.

#### JONNY

Okay. Wow, all right. So with the----it's an e--yeah, okay, that's a hit. Um...

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

...roll me your damage, please.

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES]

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BRYN

14!

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ And that... explodes.

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ It explodes.

#### BRYN

Oh! The 8 explodes.

#### JONNY

The 8 explodes, 'cause you are just...

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

...you are a huge...

#### BRYN

16!

#### JONNY

...horrible bruiser.

#### BRYN

16 damage!

#### JONNY

Uh, the club... smashes into *something* and you hear a squelch.

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

You are now no longer being gripped by... talons.

#### CARL

OH, THANKS FOR THAT, LAD. _(shuddering)_ OOHH! OH, I'M ALL A-FLUSTER. I'VE GOT--I'VE GOT A BOILED SWEET AROUND, HANG ON.

#### BEN

Where are we and what're we seeing during this little...

#### JONNY

You've heard--

#### BEN

...fracas?

#### JONNY

--a scream, and then a kinda squelchy hit sound.

#### JAMES

And then the sound of relieved Yorkshireman.

#### JONNY

Yes.

#### ALEX

I will... immediately drop my lantern, *begin* to flee, realize that there's *no light* 'cause we're too deep, run *back* to grab my lantern.

#### BEN

At the same time, I'm gonna run forward with my gun...

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### BEN

...to try and help.

#### JONNY

Yeah--the scene that's illuminated is an old Yorkshireman bleeding from the shoulders...

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BEN

*Horrifying!*

#### JONNY

...a large Southern man with a club, standing, looking very pleased with himself.

#### BRYN

I'm looking around to see if I can hit it again.

#### JONNY

You can see basically a flash of red disappearing down one of the tunnels.

#### CIGARILLO

_(whispering)_ What--what...

#### ZEKE

I hurt it! Let's follow it!

#### CIGARILLO

U--uh--y--y--yeah? No? _(helplessly)_ Carl. What're we doin'?

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### CARL

I'M FURIOUS! I'M GONNA GET HIM! COME ON. COME ON!

#### CIGARILLO

_(uncertainly)_ All right, I guess so.

#### CARL

I MUST'VE DROPPED ME... WERTHER'S ORIGINALS. WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?

#### JAMES

And he just begins patting himself down.

#### CARL

GOT ALL CONFUSED. YOU *BUGGER,* YOU'VE TAKEN ME *MINTS!* GO ON!

#### JONNY

Could you...

#### JAMES

Tracking?

#### JONNY

No, actually, Notice rolls, please.

#### JAMES

Notice rolls.

#### BEN

From everyone?

#### JONNY

Everyone, yes.

##### [MULTIPLE DICE ROLLING]

#### ALEX

Including people who are... failing to flee--_[laughs]_--_(laughing)_ 'cause they're too incompetent to flee.

#### BEN

Waheyyy! 8 explodes.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BEN

14.

#### BRYN

9.

#### JONNY

14.

#### JAMES

3.

#### JONNY

Cool.

#### BRYN

Ah, just like old times!

#### JAMES

I know.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

4!

#### JONNY

Bryn, you can pretty much hear where it's going, and follow it through the tunnels. Ben. You hear what sounds like shouting, from... the direction of the entrance.

#### CIGARILLO

_(hushed)_ Guys, I think the posse's here! I can hear shouting at the entrance!

#### JONNY

And our... lovable coward...

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

...was running away, I believe.

#### ALEX

I wasn't *aiming* for lovable. _(laughing)_ I was just aiming--

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

--at coward. If he came out lovable, that's great.

#### JONNY

Uh, I--d--*hateable* coward.

#### ALEX

I am.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### BRYN

_(chuckling)_ Yes.

#### ALEX

I have... picked up my lantern and I am fleeing to the entrance, because, you know what? You're all great people. _(laughs)_ But I'm not gonna *die* for you!

#### JONNY

Okay. As you run, you can see the light of the entrance approaching.

#### ALEX

Then *everything's* fine!

#### JONNY

A silhouette steps into it.

#### ALEX

Am I able to tell anything more than a silhouette?

#### JONNY

It has a wide-brimmed hat...

#### ALEX

I *immediately* turn round and flee *back* into the cave.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### BRYN

I respond to Cigarillo's yell of "the posse is here" by:

#### ZEKE

Then the best thing to do is get deeper in these caves. Come on. Went that way.

#### CIGARILLO

_(terrified)_ Sure thing.

#### JONNY

Okay. You follow it for a little while. It looks like... most of these chambers are empty. From what you can see. And there is one other nest that you find. There's not as much skin in that one, it looks like most of the skin is in that strange wardrobe that you found. Alex.

#### ALEX

Yes.

#### JONNY

As you run back down...

#### ALEX

Yup.

#### JONNY

...in the light of your torch...

#### NATHANIEL

_(whispering)_ Ca-caawww.

#### JONNY

...you can see something...

#### NATHANIEL

_(whispering)_ __*Ca-caaaaawww.*__

#### JONNY

...something is running towards you.

##### [BRYN SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT UNDER JONNY]

#### JONNY

Something red, and angry. Please make me a Guts roll.

#### ALEX

Oh I've got no guts!

#### JONNY

Minus 2. Now, Deadlands has actually quite a complicated... fear roll system, because there is the Fear Level of the area, because... everywhere is a different level of spooky.

##### [BEN SNORTS]

#### JONNY

This place is... *3 spooky*.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

*Not __3__ spooky!* This is--

#### JONNY

It goes all the way up to 6 spooky, which is when the entire landscape--like, hills are skulls... uh...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

...like, the road is made of bones, the trees are actually, like...

#### ALEX

But this is--this is--

#### JONNY

...just hands.

#### BEN

We're gonna have to--

#### JAMES

How are the transport links in this area? Is it--is it afforadable? Is that...

#### JONNY

I mean, it depends on how many *spikes* you're happy to have *in* your flesh, while you travel? Like, 6 is basically a hellscape.

#### JAMES

Southern Railways.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ So this is a--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ All right. Yeah, okay.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Yeah. Southern Rail.

#### BEN

So Alex is currently rolling to see if it's 3 spooky, _[indistinct]_.

#### JONNY

Basically, it's 3 spooky, so -3. You're a coward, so minus another 2.

#### BEN

Oh no.

#### JONNY

You do, however, have __1__ point of Grit.

#### ALEX

Yeah!

#### JONNY

So that's... +1.

#### ALEX

Yeahh!

#### JONNY

Because Grit is how numb you are to everything being horrible. So this is at -4!

#### ALEX

-4 and I have to *hit* 4?

#### JONNY

You have to hit 4. So you need an 8, essentially.

#### ALEX

So it *has* to *explode*...

#### JONNY

Yes.

#### ALEX

...or I lose.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### ALEX

Come on! _[claps]_ He's got a 6!

#### JONNY

He's got a 6!

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Hey!

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ Okay! Y--I really hope your roll is a 1.

#### ALEX

Come on. Come on.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### ALEX

And a __4__! HE'S GOT A __10__!

#### JONNY

So... yeah, there's a skinless angry toothy claw man running towards you, and... strangely, your adrenaline kicks in.

##### [ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Rather than...

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ As opposed to all those *false*...

#### JONNY

...going the other way, what do you do? You are currently in the passageway between the entrance, and the fork.

##### [PAUSE]

#### JONNY

It is coming up from the fork. At the entrance is the silhouette of a man in a wide-brimmed hat.

#### ALEX

OHHHH, IT'S A COWARD'S NIGHTMARE! No matter where I flee, I flee *towards* *death!* I... am... going... to......

#### BRYN

Die.

#### ALEX

_[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]_ Yes. Yes, I am.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

I am going to draw my gun, if possible, and plant two shots in it, whilst *continuing* to run at it and desperately try and run *around* it in the narrow corridor, as ill-advised as that is.

#### JONNY

Make me a Shootin' roll!

#### ALEX

Come on! _[shaking dice]_ I can keep exploding these, right? That's a thing that can happen.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

I mean, in Savage Worlds, yes.

#### ALEX

I got a 5.

#### JONNY

That's a hit. Roll me your damage's damage.

#### ALEX

Okay, that's 2d6. It's all right, guys, I got this. I'm gonna save us all.

#### BEN

Mm-hm. Well, it's already got 16--

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BEN

--so Bryn still saved you. If you die--if it dies.

#### ALEX

#### 11!

#### BEN

And they explode if you've rolled a 6.

#### ALEX

Oh--! Okay. 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and then the second roll on the 6 was a further 2, so __13__.

#### JONNY

13\. The bullets sink in its shoulder, which explodes, spraying bits of flesh and ichor and just nastiness all over the walls. It sort of tumbles. It's not dead, and it's not stopping, but it does mean you can just... press yourself against the wall, and let it kind of scramble past you. It's not trying to kill you anymore, 'cause you've hurt it.

#### ALEX

That's fine. I am going to push my luck because I'm that foolish a character...

#### JONNY

Mm-hm.

#### ALEX

...and if possible, I'm going to try and swing the lantern at its head as it goes by me.

#### JONNY

_[SNORTS]_ All right, uh...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

...make me a...

#### ALEX

That's -- _[laughs]_ -- that's a *death snort.* I know a death snort.

#### JONNY

Yeah, make me a Fighting roll at... -1, because it is it an improvised weapon.

#### ALEX

Fighting roll...

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### ALEX

5 -- 1.

#### JONNY

I mean, you sort of... shove the lantern in it, which casts its jagged horrible face in all sorts of shadows, and--

#### ALEX

That made things worse!

#### JONNY

Yeah, no, *okay,* you didn't get a *real* good look at it when it was coming, *now* you have, and, mmm, no, okay. So, you've made things worse for yourself.

#### ALEX

That's good. Great.

#### JONNY

It is currently running off towards the entrance.

#### ALEX

I then proceed to try and just run back to all of the other people who I know won't kill me on sight.

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### BEN

_("that's debatable")_ Mmmm...

#### JONNY

Yup, you get back.

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

You get back into the tunnels.

#### NATHANIEL

_(whispering)_ Ca-caawww! *Ca-caaawww!* Ca-caw!

#### BEN

We're deeper in, right?

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

You haven't heard any real movement around, until someone runs in... shouting "ca-caw"...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### NATHANIEL

_(laughing)_ Ca-caaawww!

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ I'm gonna take a--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Ca-caaawww.

#### BEN

--snap shot at the thing that runs in.

#### JONNY

Make me a Shooting roll.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BEN

In panic.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ Please let the--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Is this with your big gun?

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ Please let the *first death*...

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ No no, this is with the pistol.

#### JONNY

It's with the pistol.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ Please let the first death be you--

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ 'Cause I've got a lantern with that.

#### ALEX

--shooting *me*.

#### BEN

Well, that's what happens when you burst into the room with really scared people with guns.

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ Yelling "ca-caw."

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BEN

Yeah. 7.

#### JONNY

7! That's a hit. Roll me your damage, please.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BEN

7.

#### JONNY

7\. Okay, what's your Toughness?

#### ALEX

My Toughness is... 5!

#### JONNY

So that's enough to Shake you, but not wound you. Basically, the... shoots--clips right past your ear.

#### ALEX

_(sound of ears ringing)_ "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" _[chuckles]_

#### CIGARILLO

Oh jeez!

#### NATHANIEL

Ah--

#### CIGARILLO

Sorry, Fletcher!

#### NATHANIEL

Haaaahh. *Haaahhh.* _(shaky whisper)_ Ca-caw. _[continues ca-cawing quietly]_

#### CARL

WHO IS IT? WELL, HE SHOULDN'T SNEAK UP ON PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

#### NATHANIEL

_(pitch rising)_ Ca-caaaww.

#### CIGARILLO

Shut up.

#### NATHANIEL

I--I shot it. It's not dead. And--and the sheriff's here. And... the sheriff's at the entrance, and the creature's between us and the sheriff--which is a good thing! And I shot it, which is a good thing. But the creature's there. Which is a bad thing. And it's a creature! And it's got no face! And it's there! And it's at the front.

#### CARL

RIGHT, WELL, HOW MANY OF THEM ARE THERE? IS IT JUST THIS ONE THAT'S BEEN WOUNDED? OR ARE THERE OTHERS AROUND?

#### CIGARILLO

Well, there were two nests, right?

#### CARL

WELL, TWO CHAMBERS WAS IMPL--UNLESS THE FIRST ONE WAS A SECOND HOMEOWNER. UM, WAS MAYBE--MAYBE HAD A LODGER OR SOMETHING.

#### CIGARILLO

D'you think it's *breeding?*

#### ZEKE

Let's go back to the entrance and see what's going on.

#### NATHANIEL

No no no. You *can't,* be -- _[nervous laugh]_ -- y-you *can't,* because the *sheriff's at the entrance.*

#### CIGARILLO

So w --

#### NATHANIEL

Or at least something like a sheriff.

#### ZEKE

We'll go back *towards* the entrance, and see what's comin'.

#### CIGARILLO

There's just one of them, there's still four of us.

##### [PAUSE]

#### NATHANIEL

*Yyyes.* Okay.

#### ZEKE

We won't engage unless we have to.

#### NATHANIEL

Okay.

#### CARL

AND EVEN IF WE DO, IT'S CORNERED, YOU KNOW? THERE'S JUST--IT'S A NARROW PASSAGE, THERE'S FOUR OF US WITH GUNS. AND SHERIFF AT OTHER END.

#### ALEX

I load my gun and place myself as central between _(laughing)_ everyone else as possible!

#### JONNY

So you're starting to head back up towards the entrance?

#### BRYN

Yeah.

#### JAMES

Mm-hm.

#### BRYN

Much more cautiously than before.

#### BEN

Who's going first?

#### CARL

FLETCHER'S--

#### NATHANIEL

*Not it!*

#### CARL

_(laughing)_ --GOING FIRST.

#### NATHANIEL

Not it.

#### BEN

Yeah. We'll shuffle round and push him to the front.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### CARL

WELL VOLUNTEERED! SO ACTUALLY YOU'RE BUCKING UP THERE. WHEN I FIRST MET YOU, I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST A YELLOW-BELLIED... STREAK OF... YELLOW... BELLY. BUT IT TURNS OUT, ACTUALLY YOU'VE GOT SPINE! AND I THINK THAT'S NOT A MIXED METAPHOR. ON YOU GO.

#### CIGARILLO

I--I--I've got an idea. Carl, hold the lantern.

#### CARL

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, ON YOU GO.

#### BEN

I'm gonna grab my rifle, and rest it on Fletcher's shoulder, and just sight down it as we walk up, so that he's stabilizing it for me.

#### JONNY

Like a mobile Mad Max?

#### BEN

Yeah!

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

Fletcher... wise enough not to pick the fight, moves the lantern to his left hand, having already reloaded his gun, pockets his gun, and then puts his finger...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

...*in his ear* next to that gun, 'cause... he's a coward, he's not an idiot.

#### JONNY

As you head up towards the entrance, you can start to hear voices. Drifting down.

__VOICE 1:__ Abel! Abel, you say you still heard something?

__VOICE 2:__ Yeah. Can't see much, though.

__VOICE 1:__ Gunshots, right, was it?

__VOICE 2:__ Yeah. Dark, though.

__VOICE 1:__ Well, you've been down here about 5 minutes. You ain't gone any deeper?

__VOICE 2:__ I ain't gone any deeper. Spooky down there. Dunno what sorta critters might be in there.

__VOICE 1:__ Well, we ain't after critters. We're after murderers.

__VOICE 2:__ All right. Well, the others here?

__VOICE 1:__ Yeah. _(shouting)_ Hey! Anybody down there?

##### [PAUSE]

#### ALEX

As *quiet*--*don't all look to me like that!*

##### [CHUCKLING]

#### ALEX

On audio--just the entire group look at me. As *quietly* as I *possibly* can, and I actually mean that... I turn meaningfully to look to everyone else and mouth:

#### NATHANIEL

_(barely audible)_ Ca-caaaawww. Ca-caaaawww.

#### BRYN

I put one hand over his mouth.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BRYN

And gesture to the other members of the party that we should cover the lanterns.

#### ALEX

I do so.

#### JAMES

Yeah.

__VOICE 1:__ _(shouting)_ Got twenty angry men out here! Gonna comb every inch of this damn cave 'less you come out peaceful-like.

##### [PAUSE]

__VOICE 1:__ Last chance.

#### CIGARILLO

_(whispering)_ He said last chance. That means there's not more chances after this!

#### JAMES

So can we see him--is he still, like, silhouetted against the mouth of the cave, or...

#### JONNY

You are not currently at a stage where you can...

#### JAMES

There's no line of sight.

#### JONNY

No. Otherwise they would've seen your lanterns.

#### JAMES

Oh, right, yeah, of course.

#### BRYN

I shout:

#### ZEKE

Come and get us if you want us!

##### [CIGARILLO SPLUTTERING VERY QUIETLY]

#### JAMES

Carl drops to one knee in order to steady himself and he aims up the...

#### ALEX

Am I still stood here--

#### BEN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ --as human meat shield?

#### BRYN

No, no. So I will... position the lanterns on the floor either side of the passageway, uncover them, and gesture to everyone to back off a little.

#### BEN

Okay.

#### ALEX

If people will allow it, I'll uncover my lantern and point it immediately *behind* us in towards the dark terrifying tunnel.

#### BEN

So I'm going down on a knee as well, with my rifle, and, yeah. Shaking slightly. But yeah.

#### BRYN

Let them come into the light first.

__VOICE 1:__ What're you thinkin'?

__VOICE 2:__ Well, I reckon if, uh, we head down there... they got the advantage. S'a bottleneck.

##### [PAUSE]

__VOICE 2:__ I say we dynamite up the entrance. Leave 'em here.

#### CIGARILLO

_(whispering)_ Zeke, what do we *do?*

__VOICE 1:__ Sounds like a decent plan, Abel.

##### [PAUSE]

__VOICE 1:__ Let's do that.

#### CIGARILLO

Come on, Carl, you've been doing this the longest, what do we do?

#### CARL

RIGHT, WELL, IF THERE'S ONE THING THAT I AS A TRUE-BLOODED YORKSHIREMAN KNOW, IT'S THE DANGERS OF CAVE-INS IN MINING SCENARIOS.

##### [BRYN LAUGHING]

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ For god's *sake*.

#### CARL

WE DO NOT WANNA GET STUCK DOWN HERE.

#### CIGARILLO

Okay. So... we're gonna rush 'em?

#### NATHANIEL

Flee?

#### ZEKE

Fine. Let's rush 'em, then.

#### CIGARILLO

Okay. Hey Fletcher, you go first.

#### NATHANIEL

_(hastily)_ No, it's okay, I--I--I, uh... I--I've got your back.

##### [ZEKE SIGHS HEAVILY]

#### BRYN

I start running.

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### BEN

I'll follow Zeke, then.

#### JONNY

There are... twenty of them, outside.

#### BEN

Oh dear.

#### JONNY

All armed. And... as you run, Abel dives to the side, and shouts something, and they all start shooting. You are all... shot... to pieces.

#### BEN

Awww.

#### JAMES

Awwwwww.

#### JONNY

And, as they turn to ride off, and leave your moldering bodies for the Arizona sun... the one called Abel just...

#### BEN

Yeah.

#### JONNY

...readjusts his face.

##### [JAMES GASPS]

#### JONNY

Ever so slightly.

##### [ALEX MAKING QUIET FRUSTRATED NOISES]

#### BEN

Yeah. Ahhhh.

#### ALEX

Should've *fleed.* Fled. Floweden.

#### JAMES

Where?

#### ALEX

*Anywhere*.

##### [JAMES SPLUTTERING]

#### ALEX

Just *fleeing as an action*.

#### JONNY

To be fair, gut-shotting the sheriff... kind of... signed a lot of your death warrants.

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### BEN

I think all of our death warrants, it sounds like.

#### JONNY

Yeah.

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### JONNY

Yeah.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

Thank you all for joining us for this... spooky... skinny...

#### ALEX

Massacre.

#### JONNY

...massacre.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

Because a Halloween episode that ends with all of the players alive, and sane, is not a... good one.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

And don't even get me started on the characters.

##### [ALEX AND BEN LAUGH]

#### JAMES

Eyyyyyyyyyyyy!

#### BEN

Eyyyyyy.

#### JONNY

Pretty funny, 'cause I implied I'd killed you all.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JAMES

Ah!

#### BEN

Aw, but it--then we went "ey," and--aw, it's--

#### ALEX

Aww. Well--

#### JONNY

No, it's fine. It's been--

#### JAMES

But is it our GHOOOSTS SAYING THAT?

#### BEN

I mean--woooOOOOOOooooooo!

#### JAMES

WoooooOOOOooooooo, my HAND'S just gone *through the table!* Twiiiice!

#### JONNY

What's that, Lydia's ghost? No, I don't think he will shut up.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

This is what Hell is, Lydia! *Me* talking *near you,* for aaaaall eteeeeernity!

#### ALEX

Yeah, thank--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ And with that...

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ --thanks for coming, Jonny, I appreciate it.

##### [BEN AND JAMES LAUGH]

#### JONNY

Thank you all. Thank you for listening, and tune in next time, when your regularly scheduled...

#### JAMES

Mucking-around time.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

...mucking-around time, will be... less... sinister.

##### [ALEX AND BEN CHUCKLE]

#### JONNY

So.

#### BEN

Well.

#### JONNY

That'll be nice.

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

Bye, guys.

#### ALL

Bye!

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Ate it while I was--

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ _[indistinct]_ TO WEARING HUMAN SKIN AND DANCING AROUND? THAT'S *MADNESS!* EVEN IF IT WERE DOING A WALTZ, THE MOST APPROPRIATE DANCE FOR THIS TIME OF THE MORNING AT THIS STAGE, IN THE SEASON, THAT WOULD BE LUDICROUS! YOU'LL BE SAYING IT WAS WEARING A FANCY TOP HAT AND TAILS, NEXT! AND TOASTING THE MACARENA!

#### JONNY

There's not as much skin in that one, it looks like most of the skin is in that strange wardrobe that you found.

#### CARL

IT'S LIKE A VERY SINISTER EPISODE OF MR. BENN.

##### [ALEX AND BRYN BURST OUT LAUGHING]

#### ALEX

That's *so niche*.

#### JONNY

I mean, to be honest, all episodes of Mr. Benn are sinister if you overthink them.

#### JAMES

Mmmm.

##### [BRYN LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

Mr. Benn being a kid's TV show in Britain from years and years and years ago. Just, you know.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Where a very middle-class man--

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ About costumes.

#### JONNY

--in a bowler hat puts on *other* hats in a costume shop, and becomes all sorts of... spacemen, knights, and *even,* at some points, a cowboy!

#### JAMES

Mmmm!

#### ALEX

*It's Mr. Benn!*

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ *Whaaat?*

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ HOW DEEP DOES THIS RABBIT HOLE GO?

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ What a *twist!*

##### [BEN LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

NOOOOOOOO!

#### JONNY

It's not a *faceless* thing.

#### ALEX

*I stand by*--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ It just doesn't have--

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ --*my statement.*

#### JONNY

--the *skin* between the face.

#### ALEX

I stand by my panicked statement of--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ The moustache, for instance.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ "It does not have a face."

#### JONNY

It doesn't have a moustache.

#### JAMES

Eughhhh.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

This is the Old West, so...

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Yeah!

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ Yeah.

#### JONNY

...the correct reaction, there.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

Ughhhhh!

#### JONNY

Mr. James.

#### JAMES

Euughhhh.

#### ALEX

It's all right.

#### BEN

No, that's cool.

#### ALEX

My backup was to prete--was to shoot myself with my own gun in the shoulder, tie myself up, and _(laughing)_ claim I was a hostage.

##### [JONNY AND ALEX BURST OUT LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

It's quite a good one.

#### BRYN

Wow.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### JONNY

Oh, that's... *that*--

#### BEN

Love that.

#### JONNY

--would've been lovely.

#### JAMES

Yeah.
