---
layout:          post
title:           "RQG002 - Bertie! Wellington!"
date:            2015-06-10 11:00:00 -0400
episode_type:      episode
tags:            [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham]
voiced:          [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham]
categories:			"rqg"
podcasts: ["rqg"]
title_prefix:	"RQG"
prev_categories: ["rqg"]
prev_prefixes: ["RQG"]
next_categories: ["rqg"]
next_prefixes: ["RQG"]
prev_episode:   ['001']
prev_episode_num:		['001']
prev_episode_title:		["Hello!"]
next_episode:   ['003']
next_episode_num:		['003']
next_episode_title:		["The Simulacrum"]
episode_title:   'Bertie! Wellington!'
episode_number:  '002'
summary:         "Episode 2 of the Rusty Quill Gaming Podcast, hot on the tail of the first. We're spoiling you!<br/>In this episode there's a few formal introductions, the gang meet Sgt. Haringay and finally start doing some crowd control. That is, until Bertie gets swept up in a blast from the past and everyone else comes along for the cramped ride."
content_flags:   []
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/rustyquillgaming/rqg-2-bertie-wellington
formats: 
    # DOCX: 
    # PDF: 
    # Google Doc: 
official:        true
wiki_url:        https://rqg.fandom.com/wiki/RQG_2_-_Bertie!_Wellington!
---

#### ALEX

Hello again and welcome to Episode 2 of the Rusty Quill Gaming Podcast. And my name's Alex Newall, I'm going to be your host and GM, and with me today are:

#### JAMES

James Ross.

#### BRYN

Bryn Monroe.

#### BEN

Ben Meredith.

#### LYDIA

Lydia Nicholas.

#### ALEX

And we're picking up where we left off! So just going round the table, people quickly describe your characters for everyone so we can remember who everyone is.

#### JAMES

I am Sir Bertrand Bertie MacGuffingham, a posh rich showoff who likes hitting things.

#### BRYN

My name is Hamid. I am a halfling sorcerer and, and something of a playboy.

#### BEN

I'm playing Zolf, he's a cleric of Poseidon and ex-sailor and pirate.

#### LYDIA

I'm playing Sasha, she is a slightly awkward ex-antique, uh... valuer, who moves suspiciously silently and is good at stabbing for someone that's spent a life in an office.

##### [SNICKERING]

#### ALEX

Okay, cool and...

#### BRYN(?)

Antique valuer.

#### LYDIA

I don't know what the word is!

#### JAMES(?)

Appraiser.

#### LYDIA

Appraiser! That's... I actually wrote that down and everything!

#### BRYN

That's an excellent euphemism. For "fence."

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

I value antiques! I might value other people's antiques, and then maybe suggest some prices!

#### BRYN

I just give you a number -- I don't ask questions.

#### LYDIA

It's a game to me!

#### JAMES

These antiques are worth 12! That's fine.

#### ALEX

Honestly, it's Pathfinder -- things could just be 12. You could just accept 12. Okay, so last week we had Zolf running his interviews.

#### BEN

Yes.

#### ALEX

We had Sasha getting followed. We had Hamid blowing a *lot* of money in a casino and we had Bertie having lots of people walk into him and then him going "oh hello, a person!" Long story short, we ended up in an alleyway and there are a large number of people who are stable, thanks to Zolf.

#### BEN

Yay!

#### ALEX

But covered in blood, there's lots of fake blood all around the place, with Hamid having recognised Bertie.

#### BRYN

I maintain that was an excellent plan!

##### [LAUGHTER]

It didn't quite go right.

#### ALEX

I still think if you'd have made your Bluff check, I'd have let you go away with that but it wasn't happenin'.

#### BRYN

The dice were not on my side.

#### ALEX

Okay, so we'll pick up from the last person hits the floor -- I believe he was icicle'd. Zolf's just gone round and he's stabilised people. There is a crowd of people looking and there are guards who are still sort of fighting to get through that crowd and just find out what's happening.

##### [SFX: PEOPLE SHOUTING ANGRILY]

#### HAMID

Bertie, what's going on?

#### BERTIE

Well you see, we were, erm... assaulted in an alleyway by these very rude gentlemen. And, so, *this* happened.

#### ZOLF

Exactly, so we're doing crowd control. So we control the crowd...

#### BERTIE

As you can see, this crowd is very much under control at this point.

#### ZOLF

Yes.

#### BERTIE

Look! They're very sedate.

#### HAMID

They, they all saw you, um... _(searching for a word)_ bisect this poor gentleman.

#### BERTIE

He started it.

#### ZOLF

Nothing to see here, just, uh -- _(lower)_ someone help me, please -- everyday crowd control. Someone please --

#### ALEX (BYSTANDER)

He's dead! You've killed him!

#### ZOLF

No, he's not dead.

#### ALEX (BYSTANDER)

He is, look!

#### ZOLF

I should know --

#### BERTIE

He's resting.

#### SASHA

Good, good r-rehearsing the... show, guys?

#### ZOLF

No, we're crowd controllers. That's actually what we've been hired to do! _(whispers)_ Oh sorry, we've actually been hired to be the crowd controllers.

#### SASHA

Oh.

#### ZOLF

_(whispers)_ Join in and you might not get arrested.

#### SASHA

Okay -- yeah, controlling was great --

#### ALEX (BYSTANDER)

I saw her shank that guy!

#### ZOLF

_(patient)_ Yes, and he was resisting being controlled.

#### BERTIE

It was a controlled shank.

#### ZOLF

...Exactly.

#### SASHA

He's fine now.

##### [HAMID SIGHS EXAGGERATEDLY]

#### HAMID

Facepalm.

#### ALEX

So at which point the guards basically start working their way through -- one of them sort of comes over and just goes to Zolf first.

#### ALEX (GUARD)

What's going on? I mean, w-w-w-*what?*

#### ZOLF

Oh, there was a rowdy section of the crowd and they attempted to mug some people, so we had to control them. They resisted, not arrest but being controlled, so we had to put them down. They're all *fine.*

#### ALEX (GUARD)

What are you -- *blood?*

#### ZOLF

Yeah, but they're all fine.

#### ALEX (GUARD)

Wh -- well -- I, I --

#### ALEX

At which point a taller, very, very well built man walks up behind him and just taps him on... "Go on mate, j-j-just go and make yourself busy." The guy comes in. He's got big mutton chops, big, big mutton chops, very greyed, he's got quite a tall helmet -- it's kind of reminiscent of the modern London touristy helmets they have, the real...

#### BEN

Oh, the beaver skins?

#### ALEX

Yeah, like ...

#### JAMES

The bearskin.

#### BEN

Bearskins, that's the one.

#### ALEX

I'm thinking more the ones that are..

#### JAMES

The domed policeman's helmet.

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### BEN

Oh! A bobby helmet.

#### ALEX

Thank you, yes, that's what I'm thinking -- a bobby helmet -- it's still clearly steel cos he's a city guard. He's got a steel cuirass on. He seems, he's got a few scars on him and Zolf knows him as basically his contact who got him the work in the first place.

#### BEN

Whose name is?

#### ALEX

Whose name is Sergeant Richard Haringay.

#### BEN

Mmm!

#### ZOLF

Oh, Sergeant, nice to see you.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

What have you done, Zolf. I'm looking here and what I'm seeing is a crowd, that are now two crowds. I've got a crowd that I've got to be dealing with that you're meant to be helping me with, and I've also got... *this.*

#### ZOLF

Well, there was a particularly rowdy section of the crowd that we had to stop being so rowdy. _(Haringay makes a displeased sound)_ Well, look, none of them are dead...

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Lot of blood around for some people who aren't dead.

#### ZOLF

Well... *yes,* maybe the methods that we used... look, I... this is Bertie, he's new.

#### BERTIE

Hello.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

All right.

#### BERTIE

Delighted to meet you.

#### JAMES

Hearty handshake and *hard* slap on the shoulder.

#### BERTIE

Well, well then young man! Well, we've got quite the situation here and it's all settled now, don't worry about it, yeah. Totally sorted.

#### ZOLF

Bertie, this is Sergeant Haringay, he's our contact and our boss really, so yes -- but this is yes, Bertie and he -- well, as you can see, is quite an impressive...

#### BERTIE

Sir Bertrand Bertie MacGuffingham, pleasure, pleasure to meet you, lovely, hello, yes.

#### ZOLF

Mainly chosen for intimidation tactics.

#### BERTIE

Burgh!

#### ALEX

Riiiight. It's clearly... Sergeant Haringay, he's just accepting this but he's just eyeing Bertie up, down, up, down, with the glowing pauldrons and the eagles and the lightning eyes.

#### BERTIE

Super glam!

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Right, you do know that you're responsible for him then, right, I'm not touching that with a --

#### ZOLF

Yeah, no, he's part of my crew.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Alright, fine.

#### BRYN

I'm going to turn to the crowd and, rather than trying to persuade them that nothing happened, simply say --

#### HAMID

_(soothing)_ The guards have it under control now, best to move along, nothing, nothing more to see.

#### ALEX (BYSTANDER)

What do you mean nothing more to see? There's blood everywhere, it's gross!

#### BERTIE

Loads of things to see! It's very impressive, look what we did!

#### ALEX (BYSTANDER)

_(panicking)_ Who's the guy with the armour?!

#### HAMID

You're not helping!

#### ZOLF

_(quietly)_ Bertie, who's --

#### BERTIE

Oh, this -- ah, well let me, let me facilitate some introductions.

#### HAMID

_(interrupting, to bystander)_ Best let the guards just deal with it, they'll clear everything up, best to get back to the big show, you know, that you were all heading to before.

#### BRYN

I'm going to attempt to roll Diplomacy to actually get some of the crowds dispersed.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

I think that's a 15?

#### ALEX

What did you roll?

#### BRYN

I rolled eight.

#### ALEX

I want to see what you rolled first, so you rolled an eight?

#### BRYN

Which... yeah, 15.

#### ALEX

15?

#### BRYN

No, 16.

#### ALEX

Okay, 16. Yeah, the crowd starts beginning to disperse. It helps that the guards are doing their job. Haringay just kind of takes a look, goes, this... doesn't say anything, it's just clear that he thinks this is gonna take a bit of figuring out. Turns --

#### BRYN

Probably lots of paperwork.

#### ALEX

Yeah, and he starts sort of ordering the guards to start ushering people away. As he does...

#### BRYN(?)

I'm just gonna help him with that.

#### ALEX

Sure, sure -- as he does, a man with a thousand-yard stare and a big trench coat comes down the main street, and he comes wielding what looks like a quarterstaff he may have secreted about his person earlier and he just rocks up going --

#### FIGGIS

_(out of breath, panting)_ Sorry about that, I was, um... checking the, uh... perimeter.

##### [BEAT]

#### BRYN

Sense Motive?

#### BEN

Also Sense Motive!

##### [LAUGHTER]

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

So to spell out for any listeners, Sense Motive being what it says on the tin -- it's, it's trying to figure out if someone's lying to you and stuff like that.

#### BEN

16 for me.

#### JAMES

I'm not very good at Sense Motive, but I did roll a natural 20.

#### LYDIA

Yeah. What a critical success, so do you know his life story? How does that work?

#### BRYN

So with my massive bonus that is a total of... 20.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Okay, well thankfully you rolled quite high and it becomes quite apparent that this guy's just lying through his teeth. He gives the impression of someone who's normally quite good at lying and just has not done a particularly good job this time, and yeah, you as well, Zolf, are quite aware of what's going on.

#### ZOLF

...Figgis.

#### FIGGIS

Yeah. Who's that?

#### ZOLF

Have you, uh -- can I just quickly -- what's your payment for this job?

#### FIGGIS

Oh, well, you know, we were talking about the 50/50 split -- obviously that was gonna drop to a 30, what with Bertie.

#### ZOLF

_(calm)_ It's back up to a 50, which is nice, cos you're fired.

#### FIGGIS

Oh, that's a -- that's a bit steep! I mean you know, I'd got an escape route all... set and cleared the way so that if it went south...

##### [ZOLF MAKES UNCONVINCED NOISES]

#### JAMES

Bertie attempts to pick Figgis up by the neck and hold him against the wall.

#### ALEX

You know what? Gimme, gimme a Strength roll.

#### JAMES

Okay.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### ALEX

It'll just be a D20 plus your ...

#### JAMES

Seven, plus three I think is my modifier?

#### ALEX

Okay. I happen to know how much this character weighs so yeah, you manage to pick him up! It looks like he may be wearing some clothing to bulk out his physique a little bit on top of everything else -- lots of -- you know those puffy fake muscle undercoats you can get and stuff?

#### BEN

What, like a Spiderman costume?

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You quite easily pick him up, he's just there going,

#### FIGGIS

Oh, look, I could kill you. I don't want to, but I will.

#### ZOLF

Figgis?

#### FIGGIS

I've got 16 ways that I could take your arm out.

#### ZOLF

Figgis.

#### BERTIE

You're a bloody little coward!

#### JAMES

And I give him a shake!

##### [ALEX MAKES VIOLENTLY SHAKEN NOISES]

#### ZOLF

Let's not make another scene, we've already had one of those. You're fired, go away.

#### FIGGIS

This is ridiculous. Put me down! Put me down right now!

#### HAMID

What was he doing while the rest of you were...

#### ZOLF

Nothing. Nothing, and that's -- that's the firing bit.

#### HAMID

I don't think he was doing nothing. I, I certainly don't think he was *helping.*

#### ALEX

From the Sense Motive you got the impression that he was not necessarily robbing the place, but certainly fleeing and paying a lot of attention to everything around -- he seems like bad news as far as you can tell from Sense Motive. He wiggles his way free from Bertie's grasp, lands on the ground.

#### FIGGIS

Well, you know, I -- I --

#### ZOLF

Go away.

#### FIGGIS

Aaggh!

#### ALEX

And he just stomps off into the crowd, pushing people out of his way and... who push him back and he stumbles -- he's clearly all talk and nothing else.

#### ZOLF

So it looks like we're down one, so... What was your name?

#### LYDIA

Sasha.

#### ZOLF

Do you want to join up? You seem quite good in a fight. You might need some protection from those guys.

#### SASHA

Yeah. Did you say that you were sticking around here though?

#### ZOLF

Crowd control.

#### SASHA

All right. Is it, is it based here? Do you do crowd control in, like, other places sometimes?

#### ZOLF

No, it's a mercenary company.

#### SASHA

Right!

#### ZOLF

This was just the job that we got, like it could be anything.

#### SASHA

Okay.

#### HAMID

So you're working as a mercenary now, Bertie?

#### BERTIE

Mercenary, yes! Money, glory! Fame! Fortune! Distant places! Mmm.

#### SASHA

I like the distant places.

#### HAMID

_(simultaneously)_ Interesting.

#### ZOLF

Distant places?

#### SASHA

Yeah.

#### ZOLF

We can have a look at the jobs we've got. And your name is?

#### HAMID

Hamid.

#### ZOLF

Zolf, nice to meet you.

#### HAMID

Pleasure.

#### BEN

We shake hands.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Ah, audio podcasts when everyone remembers that no one can see!

#### ZOLF

So you seem reasonably handy in the whole "talking to people" things and, well, I'm not...

#### BERTIE

I'm brilliant with people! Very much a people person! You give me a person, we'll get on like a house on fire. There'll be screaming, but it'll be friendly screaming.

#### HAMID

Bertie was very popular at school. He always had loads of friends!

-- At university, which is where we met.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ZOLF

We do need a face, it would be useful, so -- 25 each way? Trial period?

#### HAMID

I'm certainly looking for some work and potentially some adventure.

#### ZOLF

Brilliant, both of you can vouch for him?

#### BERTIE

Oh absolutely. Yes, I believe that's a 30% pay rise by my calculations!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ZOLF

Are you okay?

#### SASHA

I mean, thanks for having my back there, guys.

#### ZOLF

All right.

#### SASHA

That was... yeah.

#### ZOLF

Didn't seem very fair odds.

#### SASHA

No, it looks like it might be fairer if I stuck around.

#### ZOLF

Cool. Alright.

#### HAMID

These guys aren't dead, then?

#### ZOLF

No!

#### HAMID

I was sure that one was dead after what you did to him.

#### ZOLF

No, no, he's all right.

#### SASHA

He looked quite split in two.

#### ZOLF

I... Yes, no, he's fine.

#### BERTIE

He got better.

#### ZOLF

He did get better.

#### ALEX

You hear what could be a groan from the person you're discussing -- it's kind of hard to tell -- it might be bubbling of stuff.

#### HAMID

Can we find out what these guys were up to? Why were they attacking you?

#### SASHA

_(very out-of-character-y cheerful)_ I think it's fine! I don't think that we need to know what they were up to at all! I think we should maybe just go?

#### BRYN

_(draws breath)_ Sense Motive?

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### SASHA

Be fine if we just left! I don't think that...

#### BEN

Is the roll *necessary?*

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BRYN

15.

#### ALEX

Plus your modifier of?

#### BRYN

Zero!

#### ALEX

Zero still. Okay, technically, just to spell out for our audience, the use of the Diplomacy rolls when it comes to character stuff....

#### BRYN

That was a Sense Motive.

#### ALEX

Sure -- I'm talking Diplomacy, Sense Motive, Bluff, all of those.

#### BRYN

Oh, yeah.

#### ALEX

It gets a little bit fuzzy. I tend to deter people from doing too many rolls and counter-rolls, cos you can end up with Bluff, Sense Motive, Bluff, Sense Motive, Bluff, Sense Motive, so I try to kind of deter it. What I'll also do is that if you do do a roll, and it's about another player character, rather than giving you specific facts, I'll give you a gut instinct on it and nothing more. It's just so I can encourage you guys to roleplay more.

So with that in mind, yeah, 15 --

Technically, you know what, let's set a good precedent. Roll a D20 for a Bluff roll.

#### LYDIA

Should I roll a Bluff roll -- yeah.

##### [SWISHY NOISES AS THE DICE ARE SHAKEN]

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Sorry microphones.

#### BEN

No, there's some good roleplay foley!

#### LYDIA

Eleven plus three -- 14.

#### ALEX

14 versus a D... 15 is -- there is a falsehood at play. That's how much you beat that by.

#### BRYN

Yeah. Fair.

#### SASHA

Fine, I don't think we need to know anything --

#### LYDIA

My charisma remains *very* low!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

I was going to say, you're taking a minus one aren't you?

#### LYDIA

Yeah, the fact that you can't tell what I'm lying about doesn't mean that I'm very good at lying!

#### HAMID

I don't think it would be good to start a new relationship with, um...

#### ZOLF

Let's keep things simple.

#### HAMID

Equivocation.

#### ZOLF

_(quiet)_ Have you done a murder?

#### ALEX

_(snickering)_ Who's done a murder?

#### SASHA

Not until today, but you healed 'im.

#### ALEX

Haringay comes up and yeah, he stands and he's just, he's not interfering, he's just standing there kind of arms folded, leaning against the wall, giving the impression of someone who has all the time in the world -- despite an enormous crowd and event happening -- he's got all the time in the world to listen to you guys talk.

#### SASHA

I -- I wasn't lying when I said before I had employment with some people that wanted me to continue in their employment, and I don't want to do that job anymore, but I wasn't...it wasn't that I...

#### ZOLF

You needed out, yeah. That's fine.

#### SASHA

I never hurt...

#### HAMID

That seems fair enough.

#### ZOLF

Yeah, fine, don't ask don't tell.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Gregson. Gregson, is that you?

#### ALEX

Haringay sort of goes over, kneels down and looks over the one that you think you bisected but didn't, he is still alive.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

_(exasperated, maybe fond)_ Oh Gregson. Oh Gregson, that's what, two weeks since you went... oh Gregson.

#### ALEX

Starts patting him down. Just looks to Sasha.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Racket?

#### SASHA

_(stammers)_ That sounds like a name that someone like that might have?

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

...Yeah, sure. Yeah, I think that sounds like you've got a very good life choice ahead of you, trying to distance yourself from people that you've clearly never met, am I right?

#### SASHA

Why would I want to get to know these people at all given that...

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Yeah, good call.

#### SASHA

...it's the first time I've met them, they tried to kill me.

#### ALEX

Haringay sort of is patting down one of them, pulls out a sheaf of paper and starts reading it. 

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Does the name Brock mean anything to anyone?

##### [BEAT]

#### ZOLF

Quite a nice name but other than that, no?

#### HAMID

I think, maybe?

#### SASHA

Uh. I mean. I mean, it sounds like an interesting name -- maybe there'd be a story that you might want to tell us.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

So hypothetically if someone here, who I reckon is actually, you know, been trying to help, wanted to know more about Brock, they'd be looking at this piece of paper that I'm holding up here.

#### ALEX

He holds it up in front of Sasha, just kind of idly, whilst looking away. It basically just has, "tell her we'll let her know about Brock" on a piece of paper. It's scrawled, it's clearly like a piece of charcoal on...

#### SASHA

You know what?

#### ALEX

...parchment or something.

#### SASHA

I think you were right about asking them about -- they look like interesting people, maybe they'd be fun to talk to for a while. Since you healed them, they might just talk about...

#### ZOLF

So maybe we need to find out exactly why they were causing a ruckus and creating a problem in our nice, lovely, calm crowd!

#### SASHA

_(nervous laughter)_ I mean not exactly what they were doing but like you know, just a bit more about their background would be interesting. They might just have some fun, fun, fun things to say.

#### ZOLF

Well, they're probably not going to be getting up for a while, so we should probably put them in a nice big heap.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Bertie starts dragging them into a heap!

#### ZOLF

Put them behind the box.

#### JAMES

Stacking them behind the box.

#### HAMID

Do -- do -- do we not have somewhere we could go out of the way? You know, a room in a building? Rather than doing this in an alley?

#### ZOLF

We are still supposed to be controlling the crowd.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Well, I think we've still got a fair few minutes before those carriages make it through to the gates. I'll be needing your help then, but I've got a few minutes to kill and I'm noticing an open doorway there, which, uh, your ever so helpful colleague...

#### ZOLF

Oh, yes, that was...

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Good pick there, Zolf. You always did have an eye for people.

#### ZOLF

_(muttering)_ That was nice of him. Well, you win some, you lose some.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Yeah.

##### [BEAT]

#### HAMID

Okay! So shall we go?

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Yeah, alright.

#### ALEX

Haringay reaches down and sort of picks up one of the guards and starts dragging him through into that doorway that's open. It seems to lead to just a store -- it looks like it's storing rolls of bolts of cloth, so just big long reams of it, just in crates. And he drags one of them, puts the...

#### BEN

Grab one and stump over.

#### BRYN

I do *not* carry a body.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

There's two more and I pick up both of them.

#### ALEX

Sure. The three of them just are kind of coming to a little bit.

##### [CROWD SOUNDS FADE]

Haringay is just reaching down and pulling bits of like scrap cloth, tying them up as they start coming round and then the one who was, uh, referred to as Thompson kind of,

#### THOMPSON

_(very painful noises)_ Ah...ah...ow, God...

#### LYDIA

I'm staying out of his eyeline for now.

#### ALEX

Yep.

#### JAMES

Is Thompson the one that I... nutted?

#### ALEX

Yeah, there's not much left of his... _(uncomfortable whisper)_ face.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Okay. And he's just coming to?

#### ALEX

He's just coming to.

#### JAMES

Okay, so Bertie leans in with his falcon eyes flashing quite brightly --

#### BERTIE

Helloooo! Wakey-wakey, hello, hello, Mr, what was his name, Mr --

#### ALEX

_(whisper)_ Thompson.

#### BERTIE

Thompson is it? Hello! Welcome!

#### JAMES

And slaps him a little bit. Lightly, but I am wearing big metal gloves.

#### ALEX

What I'd say is, you were asking about -- last week you were asking about Intimidate checks --

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### ALEX

-- in combat, not so great. Intimidate checks out of combat ...

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### ALEX

Actually really, really useful.

#### JAMES

I'm going to attempt to Intimidate him.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

15 plus 1.

#### ALEX

So a total of 16.

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### ALEX

Let's do a counter roll for him.

#### LYDIA

We can maths!

#### ALEX

I've got to get my dice. The counter roll is...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

Abysmal!

##### [LAUGHTER]

That was a two, for anyone who's listening. Okay, yeah, you basically are leaning in with your menacing eyes and he just looks at you and goes,

#### THOMPSON

I'm really sorry.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### THOMPSON

I-I-I didn't start the fight. I don't know what you want. I was just *here!*

#### LYDIA

I sneak behind you and whisper --

#### SASHA

_(very, very quietly)_ Ask him about Brock.

#### BERTIE

So this Brock fellow!

#### THOMPSON

How do you know? You know Brock?

#### BERTIE

I'm a very wise man.

#### THOMPSON

_(terrified)_ Okay? We're just here to deliver a message to the girl, that was it. Honestly. Nothing else, I promise.

#### HAMID

When you say deliver a message, is that a euphemism?

#### THOMPSON

No, no no no -- like an actual message. One with words and everything.

#### ZOLF

Do you wanna do that, then?

#### THOMPSON

She's not here, is she?

#### LYDIA

I step out but I'm still... behind... Bertie.

##### [ALEX SNICKERS]

Like, my head peeks out.

#### BERTIE

She's over there -- I'll pass it on. I have a lovely speaking voice.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Yeah, the guy, whilst not breaking eye contact from Bertie at any point, just sort of goes,

#### THOMPSON

Yeah, it's um... Barrett just said, um, he's sure that you'll want to talk to him, and, ah, he's got some info for Brock that he thinks that -- you'd like to know, Sasha?

#### SASHA

You -- you needed how many people? To just tell me that.

#### BERTIE

It isn't a very heavy message.

#### SASHA

Yeah.

#### THOMPSON

Yeah, but I mean...

#### SASHA

You're just gonna tell me that and leave me be, to *decide* to come with you?

#### THOMPSON

_(pause)_ Yeah?

#### SASHA

Hmmm.

#### THOMPSON

Yes, yeah. I mean, you ran.

#### HAMID

He's got an honest face.

#### BRYN

I frown.

#### ALEX

I'm gonna be honest -- it's kind of hard -- his nose is spread... *quite wide* at this point.

##### [LAUGHTER]

In fact, it'll probably make it harder for you to tell if he's lying or not, it's like he's wearing a mask.

#### JAMES

If I went for another Intimidate check, could I get more information out of him or --

#### ALEX

No, it doesn't really work like that.

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### ALEX

I'm factoring it in now for all of this conversation.

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### SASHA

So, since you were gonna let me decide where to go and meet Barrett, where... what directions were you going to give me?

#### THOMPSON

Honestly? He just said, uh... honestly, we were *just* delivering a message -- he just figured that you'd make yourself hard to find. Um, it's just basically -- head back to where it all started.

#### SASHA

Ah...

##### [BEAT]

Well, I've got a job now, so I guess I'll have to work out with them when I can get some...

#### ZOLF

You do have quite a reasonable holiday package.

#### SASHA

Ooh.

#### THOMPSON

Well, look, we've paid up the stair keeper so that you can get down, you know, to Other London like no problems, but honestly, that's it -- like, I don't actually want trouble. We didn't pick a fight.

##### [THOMPSON SNIFFLES A LITTLE]

He nutted me! I literally just said I wanted a conversation.

#### JAMES

What is the --

#### ALEX

That's blood, sniffing.

#### JAMES

Ahh.

#### SASHA

Yeah, cos you guys have always been so gentle in the past.

Uh. Right, well, didn't we have some crowd control to be getting on with?

#### ZOLF

We did. Um -- tell you what, cos he's been so helpful, I might help him to put his nose back together, so if you give me five minutes, this might hurt a bit but it shouldn't scar too badly.

#### ALEX

Uh, okay. What do you guys do after?

#### JAMES

Well I'd like to be healed first, cos I'm down to nine hit points from 13, so I think in the nicest possible way...

#### BRYN

You're still mostly fine.

#### JAMES

Yeah, well, fine. But I would like to be fine-fine rather than just mostly fine.

#### BEN

How does Bertie broach that subject with...

#### ALEX

I was gonna say, roleplay it!

#### JAMES

Oh all right, fine.

#### BERTIE

Hang on, hang on, so I mean this chap, I mean his face wasn't that great to start with. And frankly, *frankly,* slightly higher up the queue, hello! Scratches? I've got a *graze,* I'm nearly *sad.* Heal me!

#### ZOLF

All right. Tell you what, we'll do a job lot.

#### BEN

Now, quick question -- how does mundane healing work in the system, cos I know obviously I can do magic, and --

#### ALEX

Sure, with mundane healing -- tell you what, we'll look up everything that it covers, but as a rule of thumb, mundane healing is really good for stabilising and like a pittance, basically, of hit points isn't it, just off the top of my head.

#### BRYN

Yeah, I mean you recover some hit points naturally, and I think mundane healing doubles that but it requires -- essentially it requires long term care.

#### BEN

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#### BRYN

You can't give them back instantly, you can just help the recover -- the *base* recovery rate.

#### ALEX

Yeah, the way that they cover first aid is that it's stabilising you so that you're no longer gonna literally die from your stuff, but then you get carried, you lay up and let's say that I think you recover...

#### BRYN

A level every night? I think?

#### ALEX

Yeah, it's pretty much that and if you're being tended to with palliative care...

#### BRYN

It doubles or triples.

#### ALEX

It goes to... there's layers to it, I'll look it up now briefly. But honestly, for the kind of stuff that you're talking about now, it's not...

#### BRYN

It's not gonna do very much.

#### ALEX

...gonna do what you want.

#### BEN

In which case... so this is more superficial to try and save his nose -- you're, you seem pretty fine, sort of in-body?

##### [LAUGHTER]

Hey, you know. _(draws breath)_ You're an impressive-looking guy.

#### BERTIE

Look, I've had almost a Chinese burn -- look at this!

#### HAMID

Bertie, stop whining.

#### BERTIE

_(drawn-out groan)_ Uuurgh!

##### [ALEX SNICKERS]

#### SASHA

Is he always like this?

#### BERTIE

Uuuurgh!

#### HAMID

Yes.

#### SASHA

Right.

#### BERTIE

Uurgh.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

_(flat)_ Given Zolf's history of choosing his colleagues I'd have to go ahead and say yeah, most of them do tend to be like this.

#### BERTIE

Shut it, you!

#### ZOLF

Hey! Hey.

##### [BEAT]

Boss.

#### BERTIE

Urghhhhhh.

#### ZOLF

Sergeant Haringay -- he's a good guy so...

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

I'm a good guy with the keys to all of the cells, that's me.

#### ZOLF

Anyway, yeah, so I only met him this morning so I don't really know --

#### ALEX

Just to chip in, yeah, having looked at Heal, it's an enormously complex thing and no, it doesn't give you immediate hit points.

#### BEN

Fine, that's cool.

#### ZOLF

But yeah, so basically I'm gonna put his nose back together and see if I can bind it up so that it will heal in the correct shape.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Zolf. You got about five minutes.

#### ZOLF

That should be fine. It just might hurt a bit.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

I'm gonna be honest -- if these guys are still here in five minutes, I'm gonna have someone take them away, if they're not, that's fine. But I'm gonna need you guys out in about five.

#### ZOLF

Sure, all right.

#### ALEX

He steps out through the door off the alleyway.

#### BEN

Cool. I will move up to the bloke in the chair, and get out like a little sort of first aid kind of kit, bandages and the like.

#### ALEX

Yeah.

#### BEN

And just get to work on putting his nose back together.

#### ALEX

Sure, sure.

#### BEN

And binding it up.

#### ALEX

And what do the rest of you do?

#### LYDIA

Are there horrendous screams?

#### BEN

I don't know. _(cheerful)_ It depends how well he does and how well I do!

#### ALEX

I was going to say -- give me a Heal check?

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

That is... still 12 I think -- yeah, 12.

#### ALEX

Okay, and what does everyone else do while this is happening, before I tell you --

#### LYDIA

I'm stepping out into the alleyway.

##### [SFX OF PEOPLE NOISES IMMEDIATELY FADES BACK IN]

I don't want to be in this room with those people anymore. I think -- *no,* actually, I will try and grab that note.

#### ALEX

Oh sure, yeah, yeah.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, try and -- although did the policeman take it?

#### ALEX

He -- yeah, Haringay --

#### LYDIA

So no, I guess I don't.

#### ALEX

Haringay has it I'm afraid. In fact, he's sat -- I say sat -- he's leaning against that crate in the alleyway.

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

#### ALEX

He's clearly lit up a quick smoke and he's examining it, holding it up against the light, sort of examining the paper and just giving it a once-over.

#### LYDIA

Right, so I guess I go out and stand awkwardly -- which is the only way I know how to stand.

#### ALEX

Sure, sure.

#### LYDIA

*Not* approaching him.

#### ALEX

He seems quite aware of that, and is quite happy to just let you stand awkwardly while he examines the thing you're after.

#### BRYN

I'll probably just have a chat with Bertie, and we can just catch up.

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### BRYN

So that we can...

#### ALEX

Okay, so you guys step out.

#### JAMES

Yeah, so I mean we don't need to roleplay through that because it's stuff we've talked about.

#### ALEX

Sure, sure, it's basically you know "where have you been?" "Oh you know, I did this". And meanwhile, basically while all of you go out there, the first thing that you guys hear as you're mid-conversation, is a --

##### [ALEX MAKES A NEAT CRACKING SOUND]

#### THOMPSON

Aaaargh.

#### ZOLF

_(tired)_ Oh shut up.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

And yeah, eventually Zolf, you finish patching him up. It is patching him up, uh...

#### BEN

Wipin' the blood off my hands.

#### ALEX

Ugh.

#### BEN

Just with a little... little hankie, that I tuck into -- a pouch.

#### LYDIA

_(simultaneously)_ Your beard.

#### BEN

No!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

No! Though I could put dusters on the end of them.

#### BRYN

You'll notice despite the fact that during the fight I was spraying fake blood everywhere, I now look immaculate.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Pre-sti-di-gi-tation! Got to love it. Presumably you head out into the alleyway then.

#### BRYN

I cast it anytime I wink at someone so I can get my teeth to glint.

##### [LAUGHTER]

I look very worried.

#### ALEX

Okay, well, just before we head into the next phase then, I think we're going to take a quick break here and we'll get back to the action in a couple of minutes.

------

##### [UPBEAT MUSIC]

#### ALEX

Hi guys, Alex here. Normally we put an ad break at this point, letting you know about new developments at Rusty Quill, mention sponsors, or just recommend other shows that we think you'd enjoy. But today we just want to take the time to thank you. It takes a lot of time and effort and money to make podcasts like this. And it means a lot to us that you've decided to listen. So thank you. You're awesome. In fact, you are so awesome that we want to keep making great content for you and introduce you to loads of new shows! But in order to do that, we need your help.

The more listeners that we get, the more content we can make. It's as simple as that. And the best way that we can get listeners is by word of mouth. In the credits at the end of the episode, we include details about how you can get involved online, but honestly, the best way that you can help us is by recommending us to people that *you* know. Tell a friend, tell a coworker, tell your pet iguana. If just one of the people or lizards that you talk to subscribes, that's going to be a huge help to us.

We're looking forward to making loads more content for you in the future. And we want to share it with everyone that you care about. So thanks again for getting involved and we hope we get to meet you, your friends, and all your lizards real soon.

Well, that's everything for now. So sit back, relax, and let's get back to the show.

##### [MUSIC FADES OUT]

------

#### ALEX

Hi and welcome back. So, yep, you guys are in the alleyway. Haringay folds up that parchment, pokes his head out, looks into the main crowd which is quite large -- you can hear it's getting louder by this point -- pokes his head back in and goes,

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Right, lads, the -- and lady, apologies -- the carriages are just coming in. I could do with you guys on the gate.

I'm not expecting any trouble but you guys at least seem to be able to handle yourselves, and that one can at least talk his way out of trouble.

#### BRYN

I look very worried.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

But yeah, shouldn't be any trouble. We're all good?

#### ZOLF

Yeah, excellent.

#### ALEX

He stubs out his cigarette and steps out into the alleyway and then starts working his way through the crowd.

##### [SFX OF CROWD INCREASES]

You get -- as you pass through the drunken dancers, the ones who were fighting to have a look at the fight earlier, they're all giving a cheer and patting Sasha on her back. Sasha specifically -- lots of people going, "Good to see someone handle themselves! Aw, yeah." Just basically drawing a bit more attention in.

#### LYDIA

I awkwardly do not respond in any way, smart or clever way, yeah. Just awkwardly stumble through -- "aw, yeah," lots of small nods and looking away and trying to hide behind Bertie.

#### ALEX

Sure.

#### BERTIE

Make way, make way everyone, heroes coming through! Steady, steady as you go!

#### ALEX

_(chuckles)_ You guys make it to the main gates, the wrought iron, and yeah, the carriages are just drawing in now. I will let you make a Knowledge: Nobility check, Bertie, to start recognising the...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

Very quickly -- when we get there, I'll quickly try and grab these guys and do a quick kind of tactics thing?

#### ALEX

Oh sure, we're there now.

#### BEN

Yep.

#### ZOLF

So, I'm thinking basically me and you, Bertie, we'll be up the front moving people away, probably the bulkiest. Hamid, if you stay with -- you stay kind of a bit back, talk down anyone who gets a bit leery. And Sasha, keep an eye out for troublemakers and point them out. And I think that will make a pretty good...

#### SASHA

Sure, I can deal with anyone that gets...

#### ZOLF

And I don't want to *have* to patch everybody up who tries to get through, so if you...

#### LYDIA

I have a *really baffled* expression.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### SASHA

Riiiight.

#### ZOLF

We're just keeping the peace, we're not...

#### SASHA

Yeah.

#### ZOLF

We should get you a -- do you just have knives?

#### SASHA

I don't know what you're talking about -- I don't have any knives.

#### ZOLF

We'll get you a sap, we'll get you a sap.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

_(impatient singsong)_ Zolf, what you doin'?

#### ZOLF

Yeah, I'm having a quick -- it's fine, we're good, we're good.

#### ALEX

Cool. What was the result of your Nobility check?

#### JAMES

I got 2, plus my bonus --

##### [LAUGHTER]

Plus my bonus of 7.

#### ALEX

So that's a total of 9.

#### JAMES

Yeah, a total of 9.

#### ALEX

Okay. First carriage rocks up -- you recognise it has a Meritocratic symbol on it, so governmental, don't really know who. I would say it pulls up near, and you guys are holding everyone back, and yeah, your tactics seem to be working. Basically the big heavy ones, Zolf and Bertie, are keeping the crowd back.

#### BRYN

I'm probably standing on something so people can actually see me.

#### ALEX

Sure, sure. What kind of things are you telling people to keep them calm and stop them pushing?

#### HAMID

Don't worry, everyone will get a turn, you'll all be able to see something. There's no need to push --

#### BRYN

I'm just babbling reassuring...

#### ALEX

Yeah, blathering.

#### BRYN

What's the word?

#### BEN

Platitudes?

#### BRYN

*Platitudes,* that is the word.

#### ALEX

And Sasha, when people get through, how are you getting them back on the far side of these guys?

#### LYDIA

Wait, I'm a bit confused about -- can we have, can we move the little figures so I can see what's actually going on.

#### ALEX

Sure, sure -- so we've got Bertie and Zolf taking sort of a front line.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, and this is a big corridor?

#### BEN

That's me, isn't it? So...

#### BRYN

I'm standing on something just behind you.

#### ALEX

So you guys are now at some gates, so we'll draw the gates on here -- so we've got the gates here.

There are a few guards who are dotted around, keeping a line, with Haringay in the middle there, between Zolf and Bertie. And we've got Hamid -- we'll say we found a box for him or something to stand on -- and he's calling out over everyone, so occasionally people will break through that line. They're not being violent or anything, they're just really trying to get close to the carriages and stuff, cos the carriages are just coming up here now.

#### BRYN

Sort of over-excited.

#### ALEX

Yeah. So the carriages are just drawing near that line, you're just trying to keep that gate clear.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, so I probably would be overreacting if people try and, practically like _(threatening)_ "get back!"

#### BRYN

You might be better off in the crowd just tripping them up as they try to run through it.

#### LYDIA

That is pretty much what my skillset is good for.

#### ALEX

Go for it, like it's totally doable.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, but that's also something that I probably wouldn't do -- I'd stand thinking I was being helpful.

#### ALEX

Okay.

#### SASHA

Go! Get back!

##### [LAUGHTER]

It's not for you!

#### LYDIA

Thinking, thinking I was being helpful.

#### ALEX

Okay. No, that's fine.

#### LYDIA

Cos these aren't aggressive people, are they?

#### ALEX

No, they're not -- it's just a big crowd.

#### LYDIA

I *could hurt them,* but I don't want to.

#### ALEX

Aw, I see. That's -- that's personal growth right there.

##### [LAUGHTER]

Okay, the first carriage draws near, it has a state symbol on. Haringay starts giving out orders to the guards, they start pushing that crowd back out of the way a bit so that carriage can come through. The main gate's open, carriage comes through, there's what looks like a state woman of some kind. She's wearing a suit -- she sort of twitches the curtain aside, has a look, and then it closes again.

#### JAMES

Can I attempt to recognise her specifically, as opposed to the carriage?

#### ALEX

Uh, I'll allow that, yeah.

#### JAMES

Knowledge: Nobility?

#### ALEX

That's the one.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

17 plus 7 is 24.

#### ALEX

It's the deputy prime minister.

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### LYDIA

Are we now split as the carriages come through our line?

#### ALEX

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

#### JAMES

Does Bertie *know* the deputy prime minister?

#### ALEX

Not personally, no. You're minor nobility as opposed to major nobility or anything like that.

Eventually, then, behind that and keeping pace with it on foot is... it's a guy wearing large amounts of regalia, statesman regalia, stuff like that. Zolf recognises him just on sight as the chief of police.

#### BEN

Mmm.

#### ALEX

He's clearly making a point of walking alongside, looking like he's keeping it together, when actually he's got people doing the muscle work around him.

After that is -- another carriage comes along with some kind of female general on, none of you recognise. Then a third carriage -- it looks like there's a whole train of them. The third one you hear, um... basically, there's some kind of conversation going on inside that's quite loud and blathering.

#### ALEX (PERSON IN CARRIAGE)

_(much deeper than Alex's usual voice)_ Look! Say what you want, I'm telling you -- I mean the guy's a genius. The guy's actually a genius and the amount of times that genius makes genius is, is, is *genius,* you know!

#### ALEX

Which you do recognise the voice of.

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### ALEX

It will be, I'm afraid, Lord Wellington -- a guy that you have encountered in a social encounter.

#### BERTIE

*Wellington?!*

#### ALEX

Do you actually call out?

#### JAMES

I call out --

#### BERTIE

Wellington?!

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

...Bertie?!

#### BERTIE

Wellington!

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Bertie!

##### [THEIR VOICES CLIMB LOUDER AND LOUDER]

#### BERTIE

Wellington!

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Bertie!

#### BERTIE

_(roaring)_ Wellington!

##### [CACKLING]

#### ALEX

He opens the door and steps down.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Bertie?!

#### BERTIE

Wellington!

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

What are you wearing, Bertie?

#### BERTIE

This? Oh, well, I just threw this on, you know.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Oh, Ber -- Bertie! Well, oh my God, Chessington, Chessington, you won't believe who it... _(blustering)_ it's Bertie! It's actually Bertie.

#### BERTIE

Is that Chessington?

#### ALEX (CHESSINGTON)

_(sounds exactly like Wellington, except maybe a little deeper)_ Bertie?

#### BERTIE

Chessington!

#### ALEX (CHESSINGTON)

Bertie!

#### BERTIE

Chessington!

#### ALEX (CHESSINGTON)

Bertie!

#### BERTIE

Chessington!

#### ALEX

Chessington comes down. So Chessington's a big, big rotund man -- like he's got a little bit of a limp to him which is screaming gout. Wellington, he's a bit more svelte individual. He's got a monocle, big walrus moustache, but it's basically it's a little and large, a proper pairing. Wellington's like,

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Oh, my, *Bertie!* What are you doing out here, honestly, I mean look around you. I mean, did you leave your carriage or something?

#### BERTIE

Oh yeah, I just -- you know, you leave it double parked, and then -- *bloody* red tape you know, and I tried but no, they won't be having any of it.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Oh, this is daft, there's space for you in here. You, I want to say, I want to say, Herring, *Herring!* Herring, Herring --

#### ALEX

He's pointing at Haringay -- yeah.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Let them in, you know!

#### ALEX

-- Wellington --

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

All of these, all of these with you, Bertie?

#### BERTIE

Oh yes, yes, this is my entourage.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Oh, of course, of course. Hello, entourage.

##### [BEAT]

#### ZOLF

Pleased to meet you.

#### SASHA

_(very hesitant)_ Yeah, pleased to do that.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

They're not big talkers, Bertie.

#### BERTIE

Oh, how I prefer them you know. It's very difficult to get completely silent help these days, but you know, I find muted, shy, and deferential will do just as well.

#### ALEX

Chessington ch --

#### BRYN

I start laughing.

#### ALEX

Yeah, Chessington just hears, just like --

#### ALEX (CHESSINGTON)

Bertie, I'd rather them quiet than loud!

#### ALEX

Anyway.

#### BEN

I turn to Haringay and kind of shrug it in, and the kind of thumbs up/thumbs down and is this...?

#### ALEX

Haringay just gives a wearied shrug going, "eh." He leans in to Zolf specifically:

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

Just do me a favour and keep an eye on things inside.

#### ALEX

And yeah, the carriage starts moving and Wellington insists on getting back in the carriage and pulling Bertie in with him. He holds the door open for everyone else if they want to get in. It'll be a squeeze.

#### BRYN

I do. I do!

#### BEN

I will get in because I'd rather ride than walk.

#### ALEX

Sure.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, I realise I've been left.

##### [LAUGHTER]

And sort of look around, slightly panicked, for any more violent stalkers, and then like jump in.

#### ALEX

Sure.

##### [NOISES OF THE CROWD BECOME MORE MUFFLED]

#### LYDIA

I assume it's like, Tube in rush hour, isn't it, right now?

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, at this point we've got Bertie, we've got -- Wellington and Chessington are sort of sat, Chessington being so large that Wellington's a bit scrunched up already. On the far side we've got Bertie in *full plate armour.*

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

How does the suspension deal with this?

#### ALEX

I was gonna say -- there's a certain scraping going on. Now we've got Zolf and Hamid, who are pretty much having to stand in the space between, so you could probably fit in, but it is yeah, Tube at rush hour.

#### LYDIA

I mean I do have quite high Acrobatic skills.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

I don't take up much space.

#### JAMES

I hold the door open.

#### LYDIA

I'm pretty small, yeah.

#### BERTIE

Come on in, young lady!

#### LYDIA

I turn myself into a strange shape that fits the available space, like water in a puddle.

##### [CROSSTALK]

#### JAMES

Stack of Tetris...

#### ALEX

Cool.

#### BRYN

I'll introduce myself --

#### ALEX

Okay, yeah.

#### BRYN

-- cos I'm not scared of nobility cos I'm just as poncy and...

#### ALEX

Sure.

#### BRYN

...stuff as they are, I don't move in English circles, but...

#### ALEX

So the door closes and the carriage starts moving up and yeah.

#### BRYN

Yeah.

#### ALEX

Wellington leans across.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

I like your valet, he's got excellent suits...

#### BERTIE

Oh, no, this isn't my valet, this is an old university friend of mine, this is -- if I may facilitate some introductions -- this is Hamid Saleh Haroun Al-Tahan.

#### HAMID

You might know my father? He works out of Cairo.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Ooh! Oh, the Cairo Tahans.

#### HAMID

Yes.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Oh, how are they *doing?*

#### BRYN

Oh, very well, yes, the whole family, yes, things are good. A pleasure to meet you.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Oh, and yourself, and yourself. I do, I do need to make another transfer actually, I may, I may get some contact details from you.

#### HAMID

Of course! Yes, happy to help.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Fantastic, and I'm guessing bodyguard, and?

#### SASHA

Yeah, I'm the bodyguard.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Oh! Oh! I'd've --

#### ALEX

Kind of looks to Zolf --

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Right.

#### ALEX

Chessington just sort of gives this, looks up, looks down and then you get this really low sort of _(vaguely menacing chuckle)_ "ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."

#### ZOLF

Are you okay, sir?

#### ALEX (CHESSINGTON)

_(as vestiges of chuckle fade)_ Funny, you've got funny friends.

#### BERTIE

I do, well you know Chessington, yes, blurgh, bleurgh!

##### [ALEX AND JAMES MAKE NONSENSICAL BLUSTERING NOISES AT EACH OTHER]

#### ZOLF

_(whisper)_ I think they're speaking upper class.

#### ALEX

So the carriage starts pulling up through the driveway, and honestly it feels a bit arbitrary to have gotten in the carriage, cos it's about 30 feet.

##### [LAUGHTER]

I think the conversation that we've had is the time it's taken for the queue to move up and then the carriage to open on the front steps. It would have been faster to just, to just walk it.

#### BRYN

It is the proper way to arrive!

##### [LAUGHTER]

Those of us who grew up in luxury will understand these things.

#### JAMES

Mmm!

#### ALEX

So someone opens the door for you, one of the guards who's looking at Zolf with a bit of a suspicious glance.

#### BEN

I'll, as I get out, just pop my hand on his shoulder, as I kind of climb out, balancing myself. 

#### ZOLF

_(whisper)_ Thanks.

#### LYDIA

I comment to Zolf --

#### SASHA

_(whisper)_ I don't know why these posh people *bother* with carriages, that wasn't very comfortable.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

The doors are open and there's steps leading up. Wellington and Chessington sort of talking amongst themselves, pulling in, they're being incredibly amiable to all of you by the way. They've just decided that "friends of Bertie, right, that's fine." Pull you into a large salon even though it's quite brightly lit outside.

##### [NOISES OF CROWD DISAPPEAR, REPLACED BY SOFT PIANO MUSIC]

You can see there's a few gas lamps just to really give it a big airy feel, and looking off to the right you see what looks like a music hall. So large high ceilings, some gilding, there's a stage and there is a sort of grand piano off to one side on the stage, and there's lots of rows of seating, and there's a couple of people sat but it's clear that it's not time to be sat yet.

And then off to the left you can see into what looks like a drawing room -- big fireplace, big mantlepiece, you know, hardwoods, big soft carpet and stuff like that --

##### [SOME QUIET TALKING NOISES FADE IN OVER THE PIANO]

You can still hear the murmur of the crowd outside but it's now being overlaid by the murmur of sort of polite society, clinking of glasses, that kind of thing. It looks like they've basically got a sort of standing, a few people going round with hors d'oeuvres and that into the drawing room on the left.

#### LYDIA

I snatch as many hors d'oeuvres as I can.

#### ALEX

So you head into the drawing room.

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

#### JAMES

Can I have a bit of a look around and see if there's, like, faces I recognise with Knowledge: Nobility?

#### ALEX

Yeah, I'll give you one roll for all of it.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

12 plus 7 is 19.

#### ALEX

Nineteen. Okay, yeah, you recognise a lot of them, and you recognise some of them that you think you should recognise without knowing by face straightaway. You notice there's Dr William Colgate, who is...

##### [LAUGHTER]

He's stood there, he seems to be making a point of wearing his doctor's garbs as a sign of office. But he's having a conversation with Byron -- Byron obviously being characteristically quite loud, and he's got a bit of a crowd around him. Also you see -- actually, you know what, give me a Perception check, Hamid.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

##### [A FEW SNORTS]

#### BRYN

One.

#### BEN

You are blowing hot and cold!

#### BRYN

Plus six!

#### ALEX

Okay, never mind then. You don't see the thing that's really interesting and exciting, but yeah, there's a large number of them -- you can spot that there's a lot of functionaries -- there's a few sort of celebrities like Byron and so on.

You specifically, Bertie, also notice a pair of gnomes -- standing off in a corner wearing very, very black, very, very sharp suits. Both of them appear to be identical twins and holding briefcases. And they just sort of look over, see you, raise an eyebrow, give a polite little nod, and then continue to survey the room.

#### BEN

I just want to quickly mention that for anyone who's listening, Bryn did just put that dice in the naughty corner.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Natural ones won't be tolerated by Bryn!

#### BRYN

I'm a *trained mathematician* and I understand statistics, I would never do something so frivolous.

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

I took those actions for entirely unrelated reasons.

#### LYDIA

You -- you did just roll a critical fail on a Perception check -- it's fine for you to make silly decisions.

#### JAMES

But I presume you don't notice that there's anyone in here at all.

#### LYDIA

"*Is* this a room?"

#### ALEX

But there's just an awkward moment where just as you go on tiptoes to survey the room, everyone being taller than you, a waiter proceeds to walk across and not notice you and stand directly in front of you? Just completely blocking your view for that moment.

So yeah, Wellington and Chessington basically patting you on the back and so on, and start pulling Bertie specifically into a crowd of -- you know about, say, half of them, but you know them all by name -- they're just, they're the "old lot."

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### ALEX

They're very much sort of parental friends, people who came round being like "if you ever need anything you always know who to ask," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What are the rest of you doing?

#### BRYN

I'm going to start making friends. Like I know how to move in these circles, I've mixed with people like this before. I don't know any of them specifically, but I'm just gonna start chatting and I'll drop my, um, my family name into conversations.

#### ALEX

Yeah.

#### BRYN

Because they'll, you know, they'll know people who know people and... you know.

#### ALEX

Yeah, yeah.

#### BRYN

I'm working the room, that's how... I'm a playboy.

#### ALEX

It's Hamid's thing.

#### BRYN

Yeahhh.

#### ALEX

Zolf?

#### BEN

I will actually be sort of walking the perimeter and just looking out for anything and...

#### ALEX

Sure.

#### BEN

*Actually doing the job.*

#### LYDIA

I'm gonna follow him and do -- try and sort of work out what my job is.

##### [LAUGHTER]

By watching you do it. But meanwhile, I am sneak of handing... *sleight* of handing ...

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Sneak of handing!

#### LYDIA

As many, as many hors d'oeuvres as I can, it's kind of distracting myself from...

#### ALEX

Filling your loot.

#### LYDIA

All of the open pockets *everywhere.*

#### ALEX

Give me a roll on the sleight of hand.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

14 plus 7.

#### ALEX

You've got a pretty decent modifier, haven't you?

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

#### ALEX

Yeah, there's a few cases going round of people reaching for hors d'oeuvres that they were sure they had in their hand?

##### [SNICKERING]

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

#### ALEX

Lots of biting down on empty handfuls.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, just, I can't help myself.

#### ALEX

So just roleplaying a bit with Bertie and the old crowd.

#### ALEX (OLD CROWD PERSON)

But honestly Bertie, I mean what... fancy dress? I mean it was an RSVP, it wasn't an RSVP... with armour! Am I right?

##### [BERTIE LAUGHS FAKELY]

#### BERTIE

No, you are quite right. No, well, you see I'm off travelling you see.

#### ALEX (OLD CROWD PERSON)

Oh!

#### BERTIE

I'm going adventuring.

#### ALEX (OLD CROWD PERSON)

Oh, oh! I think -- Chessington! You... one of your, one of your sons went adventuring.

#### BERTIE

Oh, I understand, Chessington's son had a whole *world* of adventures!

##### [BEAT]

##### [HOWLS OF LAUGHTER, GROANS]

#### ALEX

Oh, God, that's the worst pun I've ever heard! Okay, for anyone who *doesn't* understand...

##### [CONTINUED LAUGHTER. LYDIA SAYS 'OH, NO']

That is a British theme park!

#### BRYN(?)

Don't explain!

(Group laughter)

#### ALEX

I have to but... oh my God.

#### BRYN

It was beautiful. It was absolutely beautiful.

#### ALEX

It was *something.*

#### BRYN

_(spiritually wiping a tear)_ A transcendent moment of glory.

##### [RESURGE OF LAUGHTER]

I think we're just gonna have to stop there, we're never gonna top that. End of campaign.

##### [EVERYONE CACKLES]

#### ALEX

Well, that was the entirety of the podcast, I hope you enjoyed it. So, yeah, where was I -- it was... Wellington, yeah.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Oh well you know, it's an interesting phase. I have to admit though, we don't... I'm sure you'll grow out of it. You know? I mean you're getting a bit of old for adventuring, aren't you? I mean --

#### BERTIE

Oh I know, grand family tradition, thought best to keep it goin'.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Oh yes, yes, you do... you had that, um...that elderly, old ancestor of yours, what was his name? Very... _(struggles before giving up)_ I forget. The, the, the crazy one!

#### BERTIE

Oh, he certainly had his moments, that time that he thought he was a bat that was also a hawk and a dog.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Yeah, saved lots of people, I remember!

#### BERTIE

He did, yes, largely accidentally but never mind, can't have everything.

#### ALEX (WELLINGTON)

Well, you know, treading in family footsteps is never a bad thing, am I right?

#### BERTIE

Well quite so, tradition, no, mmm.

#### ALEX

One of the sort of servants who were standing in the hallway sort of steps in and goes,

#### ALEX (SERVANT)

_(polite, muted)_ Ladies and gentlemen, if you could make your way through to the music hall we will be beginning the presentation imminently. Drinks can be taken.

#### ALEX

And sort of steps aside and the crowd slowly begins to drift in towards the music hall. What do you guys do?

#### BEN

Hang back, let people go in, keep an eye out for anyone who's looking shifty and suspicious.

#### BRYN

I flawlessly slide my way to the front so I'm able to see.

#### ALEX

You know what, I'm just gonna grant you that, being both incredibly Diplomatic and a halfling. People will just be interested to see you, there's not many halflings -- a few gnomes but... Sasha?

#### LYDIA

I stick with what I was doing -- just trying to learn my job off Zolf. It's kind of handy keeping -- having someone having your back when you're in a...

#### JAMES

I've more or less abandoned the idea of doing any security guarding.

#### ALEX

I was gonna say, Bertie doesn't get the *choice.*

#### JAMES

Nope.

##### [SNICKERS]


#### ALEX

There's *way* too many people.

#### JAMES

Wafting in, yeah, that's fine.

#### ALEX

Okay, so yeah, you head in, presumably take seats.

#### BEN

I'll stand at the back.

#### LYDIA

Yeah, we'll stand at the back.

#### ALEX

Okay, you're standing at the back -- okay, so we've got Zolf and Sasha standing at the back, we've got Bertie presumably in the middle of the crowd somewhere, sort of sat with a big crowd and yeah, Hamid, I'll give you a front row seat, that's fine.

#### BRYN

Excellent.

#### BEN

Does... do you take your helmet off or... are there very annoyed people sitting behind you going...

##### [Group laughter as James makes loud unintelligible noises]

#### BEN

"I can't really... see."

#### JAMES

No, I definitely don't take my helmet off, I'm there to be seen.

#### BEN

It's like having Marge Simpson sat in front of you.

#### JAMES

Yeah!

#### BRYN

I'll start chatting in a very friendly way with whoever's sitting next to me.

#### ALEX

Sure. The double doors at the back close gently, and then there is a sort of dimming of the gas lights. You see that the curtains have been pulled across all of the windows.

#### JAMES

Can I ask just roughly where in the crowd, me and my cluster of aristocrats are?

#### ALEX

So, I'll just draw this on the table so that you can see. There is a central avenue where there's no seats. Rows of seats, Hamid sort of being up towards the very, very front. We've got -- I'll draw this a bit more accurately in a moment. I've got Bertie sort of in the middle but with access to the central avenue, _(knocks on table)_ so we've got Chessington and Wellington next to him, and then we've got Sasha and Zolf sort of flanking that central avenue at the back.

And. There is a brief sort of interlude from the piano at the side, and then out steps a man that you all recognise as Lord Edison, inventor of the lightning rail and a lot of technology that you all engage with on a daily basis, and potentially the most renowned genius and scientist in the world.

#### BRYN

I start a polite applause.

#### ALEX

Everyone follows.

##### [APPLAUSE]

And we'll end it there. We'll pick this up again next week, so thanks for listening everyone and we hope you tune in again soon so that's bye from me.

#### JAMES

Bye-bye.

#### BRYN

Bye.

#### BEN

Buh-bye.

#### LYDIA

Bye.

#### ALEX

Bye all!

##### [OUTRO MUSIC]

#### ALEX

*Rusty Quill Gaming* is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today's episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening. 