---
layout:          post
title:           "MAG100.1 - Deadlands Special Part 1"
date:            2018-04-11 12:00:00 -0400
categories:      special
tags:            [Non-Canon, Deadlands]
episode_title:   'Deadlands Special Part 1'
episode_number:  '100.1'
summary:         "Join Jonny Sims outside of his role as the Archivist as he leads Alex J Newall, James Ross, Bryn Monroe and Ben Meredith through a spooky adventure in the Deadlands Campaign setting of Savage Worlds. <br/><br/>Meet our band of questionable desperadoes as they attempt a bank heist in a world populated by supernatural horror. Its a straightforward job and surely nothing could go wrong... right?"
content_flags:   [Gun Violence, Gambling, Explosive Violence]
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/themagnusarchives/mag100.1-deadlandsspecialpart1
formats: 
  Google Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S1o42NJl9n4-mAW2m5rLAirJpx0EaeDzY_ppv1xl1D4/
  DOCX: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yeXI7qwicNKfoWAvxSKdTv013WAALoIb/
official:        false
unofficial:      "mailto:teawoodleaf@gmail.com"
unofficial_name: tea wood
wiki_url:        
---

##### [RQG THEME, IN A HELLISHLY CACOPHONOUS MINOR KEY]

#### JONNY

_(ominously)_ Welcome to Rusty Quill Gaming, Halloween special.

##### [CHUCKLES]

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

_(ominously)_ It's pretty spooky.

##### [ALEX AND BEN LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

How spooky do you think it is? *Multiply that by __fear__.*

##### [LOUD LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

We are going to be doing a two-part Halloween special, this time GMed by me, Jonny Sims, writer/host of The Magnus Archives, and, in my own time, *just as big a gaming nerd as Alex*.

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

And with me, I have...

#### BRYN

_(dark growl)_ Bryn Monroooe.

#### JAMES

_(cartoon villain)_ JAMES RRRRROSS.

#### ALEX

_(spooky ghost)_ Alexander Newall!

#### BEN

_(spooky and operatic)_ And Ben Merediiiiith!

#### BRYN

And the entirely silent ghost of Lydia Nicholas!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

What's that, Lydia? Messages only we can hear?

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

I'm not saying that on air.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

That's grotesque.

##### [LOUDER LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

Good lord. All right. Um...

#### JAMES

I didn't even realize that was a *verb*.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

Not one we can say on a--

#### JAMES

No!

#### JONNY

--family-friendly podcast, James!

#### JAMES

Oohhhh.

#### JONNY

So we will *not* be conveying or repeating anything the ghost of Lydia Nicholas says. But she is here with us... in spirit.

#### ALL

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!

#### JONNY

Right. So. We are going to be playing Deadlands, which is a Western horror. Now, you will notice that in this, the first of the two episodes, it's significantly more Western. And in the next one... it will be significantly more horror. So if you're expecting spooks *this* time, instead try to enjoy... the... _(quiet resignation)_ American accents.

##### [JAMES SNORTS]

##### [BRYN LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

Deadlands is run on the Savage Worlds system. Both the setting and the system are produced by Pinnacle Publishing, who are... they're just great. They've recently actually done a Kickstarter for the latest in the Deadlands plot point campaigns. So. The Savage Worlds system, you have five main attributes: Agility, Smarts, Spirit, Strength, and Vigor. Moving, thinking, feeling, punching, and... getting punched.

#### ALEX

Can you punch someone in their spirit?

#### JONNY

Only with words.

#### ALEX

_(disappointed)_ Ahhhhh.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

And then you also have skills, which are under those. Each of them have a die type, from a d4 to a d12. When you need to roll one of them, you roll that die type. If you get a 4 or above, you've succeeded. Because you're all super special snowflakes called Wild Cards...

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

...you have a protagonist superpower, which is you get an extra d6 for everything and you take the highest of the two. You do not add them together.

#### ALEX

It also means that we'll start to melt by part two of this.

#### JONNY

Yes.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

You also have little poker chips, which you can use to reroll dice. Now, there is quite a complicated combat system. It is fast, but not fast enough for a short two-parter. So for the most part, if there is combat, if monsters are attacking you, I will probably say something like, "Roll your Shooting! Roll your Fighting!" You will do so, and then I will tell you you are dead.

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

"Make a shoot! Make another shoot!"

#### JONNY

So anyone listening who is very familiar with the Savage Worlds system, you will probably notice quite quickly that what I'm running is... *not* the Savage Worlds system. It is entirely a system of my own whimsy.

The year is 1880, and history is not our own. At the battle of Gettysburg, at the height of the Civil War in 1863... something happened. Something went very very wrong. Lots of people say that the *dead* returned from the grave to feast on their living companions, and that ghosts and spirits and all sorts of demons and monsters emerged to wreak havoc upon the American West. All of that's obviously nonsense.

#### ALEX

Totes!

##### [BEN SNORTS]

#### JONNY

*But*...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING QUIETLY]

#### JONNY

...for whatever reason, for perfectly normal mundane reasons, the Civil War just *happens* to have dragged out for about 20 years. It's currently reached a ceasefire and a stalemate, largely because just so many people are dead. In 1868, California fell into the sea.

##### [BEN AND ALEX LAUGH]

#### BEN

As it does!

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

It is now an area called the Great Maze. Which is all sort of... waterways and mazes.

#### ALEX

I was really really hoping it was, like, M-A-I, and it's just overgrown and full of wheat.

#### JONNY

No. No, in fact, there's a massive famine problem there.

#### ALEX

Turns out it should've been the Great Maize.

#### BEN

Mmmm.

#### JAMES

Mmmmm.

#### ALEX

Foresight.

##### [BEN SNORTS]

#### JONNY

Yup. Exactly. And a metaplot shout-out for anyone who knows Deadlands: there is still a massive famine problem because this takes place in the *early* part of 1880.

#### BEN

Ooooohh.

#### JONNY

Yeah. I'm not gonna explain that to any of you.

#### ALEX

PEOPLE START EATING PEOPLE. That's the solution to *all famines!*

#### JONNY

S--s--s--uh--I mean, like, yes. But, uh...

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

But that doesn't matter. Point is, in the ruins of California, a new *superfuel* was discovered!

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ Is it also people?

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Called ghost rock!

#### ALEX

Ahhh.

#### JONNY

No. No.

##### [ALEX SIGHS, DISAPPOINTED]

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ No, any revelations about--

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ It's ssssssouls.

#### JONNY

--no, it just *screams* as though the dead themselves are burning alive, when it's used, for... science... reasons.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BEN

I love those reasons!

#### BRYN

To be fair, uranium does the same, it's just most people don't encounter it in their daily lives.

##### [ALEX AND BEN CHUCKLE]

#### JONNY

So, this has caused a real renaissance in mad science, steampunk mad science. A naissance. 'Cause... it hasn't happened before. But there's lots of steampunk mad science all powered by this superfuel. So anything from steam wagons to ray guns to robots, all brass and cogs and "*chhhhhhhhhhhhhhht!*" That sort of thing. But! *None* of that matters to you guys.

#### BEN

Yaaaaaaay. Or, no?

#### JONNY

Because you are all, currently, hidden in a small camp, in a valley in Arizona, a long way from any of this.

#### BEN

Ah.

#### JONNY

So, you were all in jail. Until very recently. Now, I'm gonna ask everyone to go around and quickly introduce themselves, and their characters. And... listener: I'd like to talk to you for a second about James.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

No, we've all been thinking that.

#### JAMES

I'm sitting right here. Okay?

#### BEN

Look, we've waited 53 episodes--

#### ALEX

James.

#### BEN

--without doing that--

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ We don't actu--

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ --you've got through 8 minutes.

#### ALEX

Turns out the entire Rusty Quill Gaming Podcast was actually just one massive and elaborate intervention, because you're *so afraid* of interventions that it took this long to get you here.

#### JAMES

Thanks?

#### JONNY

Now--

#### JAMES

Right. Well...

#### JONNY

--James is playing a character who was originally conceived and written as Carlos Vasquez, an old Mexican gunslinger. However... James, despite wishing to play this character, has discovered that he cannot do *any* sort of Mexican accent that could--

#### JAMES

That's not quite true. I can't do one *sensitively*. So--

#### JONNY

That--that--I was getting to that.

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### JONNY

So...

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

...the character of Carlos Vasquez, the...

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ Will be played by...

#### JONNY

...grizzled old Mexican gunslinger, is--is now, um... James?

#### JAMES

_(elderly Yorkshire accent)_ CARL SIDEBOTTOM.

##### [BEGINNINGS OF LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

ELDERLY YORKSHIREMAN.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JAMES

THEY HAVEN'T BUILT A PRISON THAT CAN HOLD ME.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING QUIETLY]

#### JAMES

SHOW THEM.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING LOUDER]

#### JAMES

ARE YOU MY WIFE?

##### [BEN LAUGHING]

#### ALEX

_(through laughter)_ Ohhh, *god*, James.

#### JONNY

So, we have an old--

#### JAMES

OLD AGE IS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING IN THIS PODCAST.

#### JONNY

We have an old...

##### [ALEX CHUCKLING]

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ ...Yorkshire...

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ GRIZZLED YORKSHIREMAN.

##### [ALEX SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT THROUGH LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

...gunfighter.

#### JAMES

Yes. I'VE HAD A HARD LIFE. PLAYED A LOT OF SUDOKUS.

#### JONNY

You have. You've...

#### JAMES

IT'S TRICKY.

#### JONNY

...held up a lot of trains.

#### JAMES

YUP.

##### [ALEX CHUCKLING]

#### JONNY

So, continuing around--

#### JAMES

IT'S NOT MY FAULT, THE DOORS CLOSE TOO QUICKLY!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Continuing the parade... _(laughing)_ of...

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ CAN'T GET THROUGH THEM IN TIME. GOT ME LITTLE _(indistinct)_.

#### JONNY

...nonsense voices...

#### JAMES

GETS STUCK.

#### JONNY

Um...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

...Ben?

#### BEN

Yes?

#### JONNY

Who will you be playing?

#### BEN

I will be playing... _(high-pitched Brooklyn accent)_ Cigarillo Lee! Who comes from Brooklyn, 'cause that's the only American accent I can do terribly! The other ones I can't do at all!

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

##### [JAMES LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

And... who exactly are you?

#### BEN

_(as Cigarillo)_ Uh, I'm the greatest outlaw this country's ever seen! I came from Brooklyn to... make my, uh, make my fortune in sunny Arizona! Uh, didn't go so well, I got held up on my first job.

#### JONNY

Alex?

#### ALEX

So I'm _(American accent)_ Nathaniel Fletcher. I am male. I'm not a thief, but if I was a thief, I'd be a really good thief. Um. And I'm *extremely* attractive. Everyone I... know... tells me so, even if you haven't heard it, it's said a lot.

#### JONNY

And finally, Bryn.

#### BRYN

_(deep Southern accent)_ My name's Zeke.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

##### [ALEX AND JAMES BURST OUT LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

And I think that says it all, really.

##### [ALEX AND BEN LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

He's a man of few words, and he's used literally all of them there.

#### BEN

Yeah.

#### JAMES

And s--

#### BEN

Are you like Groot?

#### BRYN

_(as Zeke)_ You wanna know anything else? You can *ask*.

#### BEN

I'm scared to. Also, f--fun little fact I've noticed about the character sheet: it's got a section here which is, "*Alive?"*

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

We have...

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Where's this?

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ ..."yes." Or I assume "no."

##### [BRYN CHUCKLES]

#### JAMES

Oh, yes, it is--

#### JONNY

Yes! No, these are character sheets of my own design and I felt that they needed to contain *all* information that could be pertinent...

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

...to the game. So yes, there is a small section that details whether or not you are currently alive.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

'Cause it is important information in Deadlands.

#### BRYN

I think these are pretty impressive character sheets created by Jonny, and I very much--

#### JAMES

_(agreeing)_ Mmmm!

#### BRYN

--enjoy on mine--

#### ALEX

For ones that you've genuinely made on your own--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Yeah.

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ --mine--

#### ALEX

--it's impressive.

#### JONNY

Yeah.

#### BRYN

--mine says, "Appearance: Like if a barn could say, 'Eyup.'"

##### [BEN AND JAMES LAUGH]

#### ALEX

"Slick hair, slick moustache. Slick everything, really."

##### [BRYN SHUDDERS]

##### [ALEX SHUDDERS]

#### JAMES

"OLD, GRIZZLED, STUBBLE TO SHARPEN A KNIFE ON." NOT ON ME FACE, MIND.

#### BEN

[LAUGHS] And I'm--

##### [BRYN LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

WE GOTTA BE CAREFUL. SHAKY HANDS.

#### BEN

[LAUGHS] I've got a "fresh and as-yet-unbeaten face," which bodes *very* well for me.

#### JONNY

_(smug)_ Yes.

#### ZEKE

You want that--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Yes it does.

#### ZEKE

_(simult.)_ --sortin' out, boy?

#### CIGARILLO

No thanks, Mister Zeke, sir!

#### JONNY

So. You were all in jail in Phoenix, Arizona--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Says who?

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --for a variety of--I do. The...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

...the... god of the American West. For a variety of crimes. In fact, I will let you detail--what crime were each of you in prison for?

#### ZEKE

Someone asked too many questions. He didn't like the answers I gave him.

#### CARL

OH, THEY CAUGHT ME FOR--FOR ROBBING A TRAIN. MY MISTAKE WAS TRYING TO ROB THE TRAIN ITSELF RATHER THAN THE PASSENGERS.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### CARL

GETTING OLD, I GET A BIT CONFUSED FROM TIME TO TIME.

#### CIGARILLO

I, uhhh... I tried to, um, uh--knock over a liquor store. Unfortunately, I forgot my gun.

#### NATHANIEL

I didn't *steal* the dress. I *had* the dress on me? And--and the shop... was changing stock.

#### JONNY

You were all in prison, until... a... wanted bandit, that... Carl Sidebottom...

##### [QUIET LAUGHTER]

#### CARL

THANK YOU.

#### JONNY

...has worked extensively with before...

#### CARL

I HAVE?

#### JONNY

...by the name of Blackjack Bronson.

#### CARL

BLACKJACK BRONSON.

#### JONNY

He is neither black, his first name is not Jack. His second name is Bronson, but he just likes the name Blackjack. So, he busted you out, and in the process, the rest of you... got out as well. And you fled, and are now in hiding, in a gorge in Arizona because the rangers are currently looking for you.

#### JAMES

With Blackjack Bronson? All five of us?

#### JONNY

Blackjack Bronson is currently out keeping an eye for...

#### JAMES

He's the lookout.

#### JONNY

He's currently the lookout, yeah--he's not here. He's promised you all sorts of banditry. Apparently his previous posse got quite brutally gunned down, during a failed coach robbery.

#### CARL

SHOULDN'T'VE TRIED ROBBING THE COACH. I MADE THAT MISTAKE. GOTTA ROB THE PASSENGERS.

#### JONNY

And he's essentially in the market for a new gang, and you guys are apparently it. So, as it stands, you're sat around a moldering--moldering?

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ That is a bad fire!

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Moldering--moldering fire.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JAMES

It's a peat fire!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ It's a disgrace--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Basically.

#### JONNY

--_[indistinct]_ sort of thing. Ughh!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

You're sat around a smoldering campfire, in... late afternoon. It's very warm.

#### CIGARILLO

I, uh, dunno if any of you guys play cards? You know, maybe pass the time a bit? It's not really dinner. We've already had lunch, so...

#### NATHANIEL

N--uh, yeah, okay. So, um... I found these cards. Um.

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ W--those are mine!

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ I don't--don't know where I f--so, um, what's the game?

##### [JAMES AND BRYN LAUGH]

#### NATHANIEL

I'd play blackjack, but it feels like a... like a misstep... so, I mean... poker? Poker? Poker. Poker? Poker. You look like a poker man.

#### CARL

VERY WELL. ALL RIGHT. GO ON. DEAL 'EM OUT, LAD.

#### JONNY

So if everyone wants to roll me Gambling. That will be your Gambling die, a d6, for your Wild Card.

##### [MULTIPLE DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

Take the highest, and if you don't have that skill, it's a d4 -- 2.

#### JAMES

I've managed to roll 1. _(laughing)_ On two dice. I managed to roll 1!

#### JONNY

You have been swindled, sir!

#### JAMES

_(laughing)_ Yes!

#### BEN

5.

#### CARL

IT'S T--

#### ALEX

4! _[frustrated noise]_

#### JONNY

So, I'm going to say you lose \$10.

#### CARL

NOOO.

#### JONNY

You gain \$2.

#### ALEX

YEAHHH!

#### JONNY

And you gain \$8.

#### CIGARILLO

Oh boy!

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

So. Night is starting to fall, when, against the skyline, you see a horse and rider approaching.

#### ALEX

Does it look like Blackjack?

#### JONNY

It does look like Blackjack.

#### ALEX

I *don't flee*.

##### [BEN AND ALEX CHUCKLE]

#### BEN

_(laughing)_ Sensible.

#### CARL

OHHH, IT'S BLACKJACK, R--YEAH--NO. WELL, WE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS A CRAZY ONE GROWING UP. DANGEROUS YOUNG MAN, WE NEVER THOUGHT HE'D MAKE IT TO 21.

##### [BRYN STARTS GUFFAWING]

#### BEN

I mean, I got--

#### BLACKJACK

*Thank you.*

#### BRYN

Ohhh--_[laughing]_

#### BLACKJACK

Thank you, Carl, that was...

#### JAMES

That was *way* more...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

Just saying!

#### BLACKJACK

I will establish, Carl, that I have heard that... mmmmultiple times before.

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### BLACKJACK

Every time I break you out of prison.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BLACKJACK

Every time we get a new member of the gang.

#### CARL

'CAUSE WE--WELL, THEY HAVEN'T HEARD IT BEFORE. OBVIOUSLY I GOTTA CRACK OUT ME OLD MATERIAL. THAT'S SOLID GOLD, THAT. BANKERS. I DUNNO--TOO SOON? I DUNNO. CARRY ON.

#### BLACKJACK

Well, I mean, you remember first time we met and I had to explain it to you that, uh... well, you didn't understand 'til I called myself *Pontoon*...

##### [JAMES AND ALEX LAUGH]

#### BLACKJACK

...Bronson.

#### CIGARILLO

Whatta twist!

##### [JAMES BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

#### BLACKJACK

_(muttering)_ Oh good lord.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BLACKJACK

Right.

#### ZEKE

Seem to have saddled us with a group of comedians.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ And me.

#### ZEKE

_(simult.)_ Blackjack.

#### BLACKJACK

Yeah. Well... _[clears throat]_

#### ZEKE

What's the job? I don't much care for... staying in some hidey-hole like a sniveling coward.

#### BLACKJACK

Good to hear. Bank job.

#### ZEKE

Nice.

#### BLACKJACK

_(simult.)_ Hensley Gorge.

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ WE'RE ROBBIN' THE CUSTOMERS, RIGHT?

#### BLACKJACK

Customers, tellers, vault if we get a chance. 'Bout 5 miles' ride to the east. Small town, Hensley Gorge. Been watching a couple of days, sheriff came in two days ago, rode out. Now, if his rounds are the same as normal, shouldn't be back that way for a while, we should have a good few days' head start before any sort of posse comes along.

#### ZEKE

Any deputies around?

#### BLACKJACK

Not that I could see. Town's too small for a marshal of its own.

#### ZEKE

Good, good.

#### BLACKJACK

Now. Obviously killin' is not ideal. But, uh, we do what we have to.

#### CIGARILLO

Well, that sounds easy.

#### BLACKJACK

Should be. Nice simple job.

#### CARL

DO WE HAVE THE--THE LAYOUT OF THE BUILDING?

#### JONNY

He'll unfurl--they're not blueprints, but it is... it's some paper that he's clearly been sketching the outside of. It looks like--

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ OOH, YOU'VE DRAWN A LITTLE TREE.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --a pretty solid--

#### CARL

THAT'S NICE.

#### BLACKJACK

Oh, that represents a small copse of trees where we can retreat if necessary, provides moderate cover. It's not... I didn't just draw a tree, Carl.

#### CARL

THERE'S A CHURCH WITH A STEEPLE--_[James starting to laugh]_

#### BLACKJACK

That's 'cause the church has a steeple.

##### [BRYN LAUGHING]

#### CARL

I APPRECIATE THE LEVEL OF EFFORT YOU'VE GONE TO HERE.

##### [BRYN CHUCKLES]

#### BLACKJACK

It's--it's--it's important. All right? I mean...

#### CARL

I AGREE.

##### [PAUSE]

#### CARL

WE'RE ON THE SAME P--I MEAN, THERE'S ONLY ONE _(laughing)_ PAGE. WE'RE O--_[suppressing laughter]_

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### BEN

_(laughing)_ Well, James is having fun!

##### [ALEX AND BEN LAUGHING]

#### BLACKJACK

_(suppressing laughter)_ Worked as a draftsman back East for... three years, Carl. I know how to draw a church with a steeple.

##### [JAMES WHEEZING WITH LAUGHTER]

#### NATHANIEL

So as--as--as fascinating as, um... cartography is, um, there's this--

#### BLACKJACK

It's a noble science.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ I understand.

#### BLACKJACK

_(simult.)_ Mr. Fletcher.

#### NATHANIEL

Yes. Science.

#### CIGARILLO

So have you brought on the ordnance?

#### BLACKJACK

Uhh...

#### NATHANIEL

Whoa now, I mean... surely it's better to sort of...

#### BLACKJACK

_(simult.)_ Well, you got--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ ...*sneak*...

#### BLACKJACK

--we got your equipment from, uh...

##### [BEN STARTS LAUGHING]

#### CIGARILLO

Bryn gets it!

#### JONNY

_(laughing, face in hands)_ Oh n--oh, jesus.

#### BEN

Yeah, 'cause of _[indistinct]!*

##### [INDISTINCT CROSSTALK]

#### JONNY

_(face in hands)_ Oh, jesus, no.

#### BEN

Ordnance.

#### JONNY

Ohhhhhh.

##### [BRYN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

##### [JAMES SHOUTS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

YEAAAAAHHHH!

##### [CONTINUED LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

Nooooo.

#### JAMES

Yes, of course!

##### [BRYN STILL LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

We've deviated...

##### [LAUGHTER STARTING TO WIND DOWN]

#### BRYN

_(nearly unintelligible through laughter)_ I was trying so hard!

##### [SCATTERED LAUGHTER CONTINUING]

#### BRYN

_(nearly unintelligible through laughter)_ Not to crack up!

#### BEN

_(laughing)_ Oh no, I've forgotten my audience.

#### JAMES

It was very good. Yeah.

##### [BEN LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ I'm *really sorry*, Jonny.

##### [BRYN STARTS LAUGHING AGAIN]

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ I forget what it's like for normals, trying to...

##### [BRYN LAUGHING]

#### ALEX

...*corral* this.

#### JONNY

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

#### BEN

He's gonna get his catharsis in the second episode. This is--

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BEN

--we're gonna make it all the more brutal.

#### JAMES

It's gonna be so much more fun for him to kill off _(laughing)_ these characters.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

To be fair, I did *deliberately* design these characters to be characters that neither myself nor the audience would mind getting...

#### JAMES

_(laughing)_ Could possibly have any attachment to.

#### JONNY

...*horribly* mutilated.

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Yeah, cool, will do.

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ So we're just helping! It's...

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### ALEX

There you go! Sorted.

#### BLACKJACK

I believe you all got your equipment from the prison: guns, weapons, that sort of thing.

#### NATHANIEL

Um, question? Do we know what happened *to* the dress? I'm just...

#### BLACKJACK

The dress.

#### NATHANIEL

Y--I'm just asking.

#### BLACKJACK

Oh, the dress you were stealing? Far as I'm aware, it's still back in Phoenix.

#### NATHANIEL

Oh, okay.

#### BLACKJACK

Probably in the dress shop.

#### NATHANIEL

That's fine. All right, that's...

#### BLACKJACK

With the money from this job you can buy...

#### ZEKE

As many dresses as you want.

#### NATHANIEL

That--

#### BLACKJACK

Not as many dresses--

#### NATHANIEL

That is--

#### BLACKJACK

--it depends on the expensiveness--

#### NATHANIEL

That is--

#### BLACKJACK

--of his taste.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ That is--that is immaterial to the...

#### BLACKJACK

_(simult.)_ Have you... looked into--I mean, dresses could cost a lot.

#### NATHANIEL

I--I think--

#### CARL

IT DEPENDS A LOT ON THE CUT, AS WELL. I RECKON HE'D LOOK NICE--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ So--so back onto this--

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ --IN AN A-LINE.

#### NATHANIEL

--this job that i--that isn't to do with dresses, um...

#### BLACKJACK

No.

#### CIGARILLO

This is maybe like a twenty-dress job. You know?

#### NATHANIEL

Ok--okay, fine. Sure. So--so, we--we sneak in, we sneak out? I mean... that seems simple enough.

#### BLACKJACK

To be honest, I ain't worked with, uh, you all before. I'm a very direct sort of man, when I... commit a crime. What would your preferred method be, then?

#### NATHANIEL

Well, I mean, I'm... I'm kind of looking here--like you say, you've got--you've got a copse. I mean, surely it's easier to just sort of...

#### JONNY

Could you make me a Notice roll, please, James?

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

4.

#### JONNY

4\. Blackjack seems a little bit more impatient than he normally is. You know that as a standard rule he'd spend... a good couple of days planning a job like this, *with* the people he was going to do it with. At the moment, he seems to be kind of pressing you to just... go for it.

#### CARL

YOU ALL RIGHT THERE, BLACKJACK? ARE YOU, UH--YOU SEEM IN A LITTLE BIT OF A RUSH. YOU DON'T WANNA... GO OFF INTO THIS SORT OF THING HALF-COCKED, EH? NORMALLY A--A DEEP PREPARER, HM?

#### BLACKJACK

I just... _[sighs]_ It's a really good window of opportunity, as far as I can see.

#### ZEKE

Gotta get in before the sheriff comes back.

#### BLACKJACK

Exactly. And, to be honest... I don't like this area. My boys were killed... not a day's ride from here, and the sooner we can get out--_[sighs]_--get further west into California with as much money as we can carry, happier I'm gonna be.

#### ZEKE

I like a man who's direct, Jack. I say we go in fast, hard, hit 'em quick.

#### NATHANIEL

You'll--you'll need a lookout. From the copse. I volunteer for that, I think that would go really well. Um. I--

#### BLACKJACK

All right.

#### NATHANIEL

I'll, you know. Be there.

#### BLACKJACK

_(simult.)_ You can go in the steeple.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Out of sight.

##### [JAMES SNICKERS]

##### [PAUSE]

#### NATHANIEL

Okay, yeah. Sure, that's out of sight as well. I'll go there. I'll h--I'll hit the steeple.

#### CIGARILLO

You wanna borrow my rifle?

#### NATHANIEL

Not really how I--I mean--I'll yell. I'll yell, it'll be great. They'll--you'll know--

#### CIGARILLO

I wasn't thinking you were gonna shoot to get attention, more like... shoot a guy? Maybe--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ No, it's--it's--

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ --in the neck?

#### NATHANIEL

No, it's fine, I'll *yell*, and then Zeke, you--you're a strong guy, you can come out...

#### ZEKE

S--steeple's--

#### JONNY

Smash cut! To...

#### JAMES

Yeah.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

It is night, on a ridge overlooking Hensley Gorge. You can see the squat brick building that is the bank. Could you make me a Stealth roll? Are you going up the steeple?

#### ALEX

Absolutely yes, it's as--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Please make me a Stealth roll...

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ --far away from the bank as possible.

#### JONNY

...to try and...

#### ALEX

Okay, so...

#### JONNY

...get into the church...

#### ALEX

...my Stealth is formidable! So we'll roll a d8.

#### BEN

And a d6.

#### ALEX

*And* a d6. 'Cause that's how the *game* works!

#### BEN

That's how that works.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### ALEX

*Snake eyes!*

#### JONNY

Snake eyes!

#### BEN

What an auspicious beginning to the heist!

#### JONNY

Right. So!

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

The door to the church is not locked. It's a standard white-board church. If you imagine... a Western church, it's the picture of that. You open the door, start sneaking. You can see the small staircase leading up to the steeple. Behind you...

#### VOICE

You come to... hear about the Lord?

##### [PAUSE]

#### NATHANIEL

*Yes*.

#### PASTOR

You look like a man...

#### NATHANIEL

Yes I have.

#### PASTOR

...needs a looooong... long... *long* talk about the Book of Job.

##### [JAMES LAUGHING]

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### PASTOR

Now, you see, *Job*...

#### ZEKE

He's had enough time to get up to to the steeple. Let's go.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Okay.

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ Yeah. Seems good.

#### JONNY

Are you...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

...approaching on foot, or...

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ Horse.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ ...horses? Horse. Yup. You--

#### JAMES

I've got a horse. I j--it should say, on my character sheet, my horse is called El Jefe. I'd like to point out, because it's Carl Sidebottom...

#### JONNY

Yes.

#### JAMES

...this is now called Jeffy. "L. Jeffy" is now my horse.

##### [BEN LAUGHING]

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

Short for Lawrence Jeffy!

#### JAMES

Short for Lawrence Jeffy! Exactly!

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### BRYN

My horse says, "*Big* horse."

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### BRYN

Just--

#### JAMES

I think that should just be his name. I know you've got a name there--

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ Right. His name--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ --but you could just--

#### BRYN

His name is Bob.

#### JAMES

Okay. Lovely.

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ I just wanted just to point out--

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ Bob the big horse.

#### BRYN

--that he's a *big* horse.

#### JAMES

He is a big horse.

#### JONNY

'Cause you're a big person. A normal horse would not do so well.

#### BRYN

No.

##### [CHUCKLING]

#### JONNY

So! You ride hard to outside the bank. The door is currently closed, and apparently locked.

#### ZEKE

Jack? Carl? Cover me.

#### BRYN

I sling my club over my back, walk up to the doors, and give them a mighty kick.

#### JONNY

Give me a Strength roll.

#### JAMES

And at this point Carl puts himself--

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

--like, with wall to the back at the side, ready to go in.

#### JONNY

Yup. You reroll that 6. I should point out--

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

--*all* dice, in Deadlands, and Savage Worlds, *explode!* Which means you roll them again if you get the highest number, not...

#### ALEX

That's *significantly* less exciting--

##### [INDISTINCT CROSSTALK]

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ Don't just combust.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ --than I was hoping for.

#### BRYN

9.

#### JONNY

9\. Yup. You don't break the lock, but you do break the door around the lock.

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

And not the *bit* of door... the whole door. There's basically just a lock suspended in an empty space that then cartoonishly falls to the floor. The other side is what looks like a solitary bank worker, currently counting out some piles of money, doing some paperwork. He has stopped, and is looking at you.

#### ZEKE

Stick 'em up! Boys?

#### JONNY

He sticks them up.

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ So when I said--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ He does not _[indistinct]_.

#### BRYN

--"boys," I gestured for my two companions to come into the room with me.

#### BEN

*Three* companions.

#### BRYN

I've forgotten about you.

#### BEN

Awwwww.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### CIGARILLO

It's okay, I'm only small!

#### BRYN

Exactly.

#### JONNY

So yeah, his hands are well in the air, and you guys enter. You are in the bank. Blackjack strides in behind you.

#### BLACKJACK

Everything you can. Point us to the vault.

#### JONNY

And the bank teller sort of points... to a large vault door behind him.

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ Presumably an extremely *obvious* door.

#### JONNY

Yeah, it's very obvious.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

You'd think Blackjack would've known, but... apparently not. He's--he's winging it.

#### CIGARILLO

Blackjack. Do you... not wanna make him open it?

#### ZEKE

_(startled)_ Oh! You're still here.

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### CIGARILLO

Well, y--

#### ZEKE

Do you wa--do you wanna watch the horses, maybe?

#### CIGARILLO

What? No, I've... I've... I've got this gun?

#### ZEKE

Oh.

#### BEN

Holds up a...

#### ZEKE

That looks a bit big for you, boy.

#### BEN

Yeah.

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES]

#### CIGARILLO

Well, yeah, but... I knows how to shoot it.

#### JONNY

I should point out that--

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ IT'S THE PRETTY--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --Cigarillo Lee--

#### CARL

--PRETTY STANDARD POINT-AND-CLICK INTERFACE.

#### JONNY

--Cigarillo Lee has a Sharps Big 50, which is the largest gun in the Deadlands setting. He does not have the strength to use it.

#### BEN

_(agreeing)_ Nooooo.

#### BLACKJACK

Carl... go with the teller and make sure that vault gets opened.

#### CARL

VERY WELL, ALL RIGHT. HERE, YOUNG MAN.

#### JAMES

Leading the teller along with his rifle drawn, just poking him along with the barrel of it.

#### TELLER

All right, all right, all right! Just don't--just don't--there a-ain't no--ain't no cause to be, uh... whereabouts you from?

#### CARL

WELL... BARNSLEY.

##### [BRYN AND ALEX BURST OUT LAUGHING]

#### TELLER

That--that's the one in Virginia? I dunno...

##### [JAMES AND BRYN LAUGH]

#### CARL

BARNSLEY, IDAHO. GO ON, OPEN THE DOOR!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### TELLER

All right all right all right!

#### JONNY

He's starting to open the vault. *Are* you going to go and check on the horses, then?

#### BEN

Is Zeke still looking at me?

#### BRYN

No, I've started bagging up the notes on the counter.

#### BEN

No, I'm kind of... hovering around the front door. Kind of like, I could go see the horses, but I'm not *gonna*.

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### PASTOR

And at this point... Job... found himself...

#### NATHANIEL

So, uh, F--Father--

#### PASTOR

_(simult.)_ ...engaged in the *sixth* of the tests.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Father. Father. Fa--Father.

##### [BRYN LAUGHS]

#### NATHANIEL

Father, it--it--it--

#### PASTOR

The *devil*... who had made a bet with God...

#### NATHANIEL

I--I--

#### PASTOR

_(simult.)_ ...because God loves to gamble.

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ --uh--this is--yup.

#### PASTOR

That's the point--

#### NATHANIEL

Mm-hm.

#### PASTOR

--of my last sermon, boy.

#### NATHANIEL

Uh-huh.

#### PASTOR

God...

#### NATHANIEL

Mm-hm, yeah.

#### PASTOR

...*loves*...

#### NATHANIEL

So--

#### PASTOR

...to gamble.

#### NATHANIEL

--about the steeple--

#### JAMES

God in fact does play dice.

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES]

#### JAMES

So...

##### [BRYN CACKLES]

#### PASTOR

Not with cards, or dice, or any other--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Mm-hm, yeah.

#### PASTOR

_(simult.)_ --wicked sinful thing, but rather with the *lives*...

#### NATHANIEL

I--

#### PASTOR

...of *people*.

#### NATHANIEL

Uh--Father, I see, I--

#### PASTOR

Our souls!

#### NATHANIEL

Yeah, mm-hm, yep!

#### PASTOR

We are but His playthings.

#### NATHANIEL

*So about the* *steeple*, Father.

#### PASTOR

But it is...

#### NATHANIEL

I really think that if we were to...

#### PASTOR

It is a *noble* thing.

#### NATHANIEL

...if we were to *climb* the steeple...

#### PASTOR

To be toyed with by God.

#### NATHANIEL

...maybe get a--a sight of the c--

#### PASTOR

I mean--

#### NATHANIEL

--sight of God's creation, or......

#### PASTOR

'Course, God... doesn't play dice--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ No, I--_[sighs]_

#### PASTOR

_(simult.)_ --'cause can you imagine? Imagine if God rolled a... snake eyes...

#### NATHANIEL

I'm going up the--

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### NATHANIEL

Oh, Father.

##### [BRYN LAUGHING]

##### [CHUCKLING]

#### PASTOR

Why, who can imagine what sorta...

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ I'll--I--

#### PASTOR

_(simult.)_ ...horrific drawn-out effects--

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### PASTOR

--that might have for the universe!

##### [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

#### NATHANIEL

Father, I'm--I'd really like to... to see God's creation from on *high*, could ya facilitate that for me, Father?

##### [PAUSE]

#### PASTOR

What, the steeple?

#### NATHANIEL

Yeahhhh! Hey, yeah--

#### PASTOR

_(simult.)_ Oh, no, steeple--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ --that's a *great* idea!

#### PASTOR

--was closed at, uh, at 6 after the service!

#### NATHANIEL

Oh, b--uh--uh--oh, Father, I'm such a--a terrible sinner, and... um... s--and--and I think some *perspective* from... maybe from on *high* would grant... me the chance to see the error of...... *stuff*.

#### PASTOR

Well, I mean, I'd love to grant you your, uh... steeple-based redemption there, son.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### PASTOR

But, uh... unfortunately, uh... I ain't got the key. Caretaker took it. He's probably in the saloon by now.

#### NATHANIEL

Oh, that--that's such a shame. You know what, you've given me a lot to think about, Father. I--I--

#### PASTOR

Well, I'm only halfway through the story of Job!

#### NATHANIEL

Well, Father, Father, I wouldn't have reason to come back if you finish now! It's so... uh...

#### PASTOR

_(simult.)_ And I have written--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ ...exciti--

#### PASTOR

--my own *follow-up parable*.

##### [LOUD LAUGHTER]

#### NATHANIEL

Um, Fa--Fa--Father, if you'll excuse me one second, um, I--I have to pay... a--a--a--a visit, and, obviously, in a--in a house of God that'd be inappropriate.

#### ALEX

I just--I just *leave* and start heading towards the saloon.

#### PASTOR

Oh--all right! I'll... see you... Sunday, probably!

#### NATHANIEL

Ab--absolutely, Father.

#### ALEX

Yup. I'm just heading--

#### PASTOR

_(simult.)_ What a nice young man.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ --to the saloon.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

So where are you heading?

#### ALEX

I'm heading straight to the saloon to find the caretaker.

#### JONNY

Okay. Meanwhile, the teller has opened the vault. And there is... a *lot* more money in there than you'd expect from a... from such a small town bank. You--

#### ALEX

_(stage whisper)_ Everything's going so *well!*

#### JONNY

Could you make me a Smarts roll? James.

#### JAMES

Just generic Smarts?

#### JONNY

Yes. This is what's known as a Common Knowledge roll. It's where you--

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

--roll Smarts to see if you know something.

#### JAMES

I've rolled 2! Twice.

#### JONNY

2\. You have no idea why there would be so much money in there!

#### CARL

WHAT'S... *PAPER*... MONEY?

##### [ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

#### CARL

WHAT?

#### TELLER

Uh--i--it--it's quite common?

#### CARL

Ohh. _(laughing)_ Right.

#### TELLER

I mean...

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### TELLER

...w-we have--we have, uh--we have both Union and Confederacy, here. Um... I mean, technically it should mostly be Confederacy, but, uh... I mean, this far west, _(lowering voice)_ uh, you generally take, uh, take both.

#### CARL

_(lowering voice)_ Yeah, r--that is *novel*. How *interesting*. I'm gonna put it in some *bags* now, if that's all right?

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### TELLER

All right, well, uh, I do thank you for not shootin' me.

#### CARL

YOU'RE WELCOME. STAY--BEHAVE.

#### TELLER

All right.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

This is so... *civil* bank robbery.

#### CARL

TELLER? YOU--HELP ME BAG IT UP.

#### TELLER

Oh--no, no no, that would--that would violate--

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ HELP ME...

#### TELLER

_(simult.)_ --the terms of my employment.

#### CARL

...BAG IT UP OR I'LL... SHOOT YOUR CROTCH OFF.

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

##### [PAUSE]

#### TELLER

O-okay. I--I mean, that... _[sucks in a breath]_ Wouldn't like that to happen.

##### [CHUCKLING]

#### BRYN

I'm taking the fir--

#### JONNY

And he will start to help you bag it up!

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

He will do it slowly, and probably be stopping, often. So--actually, make me a Intimidation roll.

#### JAMES

Oh, yeah, I could've... been more intimidating there, couldn't I? Well, I've sh--_[laughs]_--threatened to shoot his crotch off, is...

#### JONNY

Yeah, that's why--that's where the--

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

--_(laughing)_ intimidation comes in.

#### JAMES

4.

#### JONNY

He'll be bagging some money. You've now intimidated him and threatened him enough that, as and when a Wells Fargo agent says, "Wwwhy did you help him bag up the money?" he can say, "He was gonna shoot m'crotch off."

#### JAMES

Yup.

#### JONNY

Zeke.

#### BRYN

I'm carrying the first pair of bags outside to the horses.

#### JONNY

You're leaving the...

#### BEN

As Zeke turns round, I scuttle out of the door, like, "Yeah, I was totally looking at the horses!"

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### BEN

"Big scary man told me to do that."

#### JONNY

Right. You two, then, are now in sight of the saloon.

#### ALEX

Mm-hm. Can I see Cigarillo?

#### JONNY

Well, could you both make me Notice rolls--

#### ALEX

Aha.

#### JONNY

--for what you can see?

#### BEN

Yes.

#### ALEX

Good!

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### VARIOUS

Ooooohhhhhh!

#### BEN

Two explosions on my--do--I reroll both, _[indistinct]_?

#### JONNY

Yeah yeah, you reroll both. Take the highest.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BEN

10!

#### JONNY

10\. Brilliant.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BRYN

That's good noticing.

#### BEN

Mmm!

#### ALEX

A *6.*

#### JONNY

Either on a d6?

#### ALEX

On a d6.

#### JONNY

Then you reroll the 6 and add it together. 'Cause it EXPLOOOODES!

#### ALEX

We're so good at *exploding* things!

#### BEN

Such Wild Cards.

#### ALEX

And then a 4. So a *10* total.

#### JONNY

So--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Oh--your eyes meet across--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --both of you are 10.

#### JAMES

--a crowded...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

...town. You see each other *so intimately*...

#### JONNY

Uh...

#### JAMES

Sorry.

#### JONNY

Each 4 above your target is called a raise. And so if you succeed with a raise, then generally, you get extra good things. And sometimes... more raises do good things, sometimes it's just... it's just nice to know how well you've done.

##### [JAMES AND ALEX CHUCKLE]

#### JONNY

So yeah. You see each other. Then your eyes go back to the saloon, as the doors open, and a *very* drunk man staggers out, supported by two relatively sober men. The drunk man is wearing a very shiny sheriff's star.

#### ALEX

I immediately stop, to a skidding halt, look *incredibly panicked at Cigarillo*, immediately turn around, and run back, and whilst going past the bank, just sort of... gesture, going:

#### NATHANIEL

_(urgent whisper)_ _Ca-cawww! Ca-**cawwww**! Ca-caww!_

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

And then run back to the church.

#### JONNY

Right. Okay. Ben?

#### CIGARILLO

Uhhh...

#### BEN

I'll just scoot back inside the door.

#### CIGARILLO

Uh, Zeke? Zeke? They're--they're--the sheriff's here. But he's really drunk!

##### [PAUSE]

#### ZEKE

Hmmmm. Let's take a look.

#### BRYN

I dump the two bags I'm carrying, just inside the door, and poke my head out.

#### JONNY

Yeah, you can see the sheriff staggering down from the saloon, two deputies supporting him. And--

#### BRYN

So they do seem to be deputies.

#### JONNY

They are wearing less shiny stars.

#### BRYN

Hmmm.

#### JONNY

But they are deputies. _[shaking dice]_ And let's see... _(whispering)_ if they see you guys.

#### BRYN

Yeah.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

[SNORTS] No.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

No, he's just started... violently throwing up. Just in the street.

#### BRYN

Nice.

#### JAMES

Are the other two supporting him and being comforting--

#### JONNY

Yes.

#### JAMES

--and so on and therefore--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Yes. Yes.

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ --definitely not looking at the bank and they're quite distracted at folks on the _[indistinct]_?

#### JONNY

They are literally opposite you guys. Other side of the street. But right now they are not looking at the smashed door of the bank.

#### JAMES

How far away is the other side of the street?

#### JONNY

About... 5 yards? It's quite a wide street.

#### JAMES

_(as Carl)_ CARL OVERHEARS THE COMMOTION. _(normal)_ Overhears the commotion of... Cigarillo Lee coming back into the bank. Pokes his heat out.

#### CARL

WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON?

#### BLACKJACK

What's the problem here?

#### CIGARILLO

_(half-whispering)_ Uh, there's--the--the sheriff's just come out the saloon, he's got a coupla deputies.

#### BLACKJACK

Y--aaahhh.

#### NATHANIEL

_(distantly)_ Ca-caww. Ca-caa--_[Alex laughs]_--aww.

#### JONNY

At this point, Mr. Fletcher runs past, going, "Ca-caww!"

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Ca-caww!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ "Ca-caww!"

#### NATHANIEL

Ca-caaaaw. *Ca-caaaaaw*.

#### JONNY

Does it alert the sheriff and his deputies?

##### [JAMES AND BEN CHUCKLE]

##### [JAMES SIGHS]

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

It *definitely* alerts--

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

--the sheriff and his deputies!

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BRYN

If I had a gun, I would shoot *you*, Alex.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### NATHANIEL

Ca-caawww. Ca-caawww. *Ca-caw!*

#### JONNY

Yes, your obnoxiously loud ca-cawing...

#### NATHANIEL

_(stage whisper)_ Ca-caaaawww!

#### JONNY

...has... caught the attention of the sheriff, the deputies, who see the smashed door, and--yeah. They are starting to draw weapons.

#### BEN

I'm gonna... shoot one.

#### JONNY

You're just--

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ With my rifle.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ You're just gonna lean out the--and... shoot.

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ Yeah.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ All right. Make me a Shooting roll.

#### BEN

I'm gonna do a Shooting roll. I get a d8!

#### ALEX

Ooooh.

#### BEN

Yeah, I'm quite good at the shooting. So I'm using the Sharps Big 50.

#### JONNY

Yup.

#### BEN

So I'm at a -2.

#### JONNY

Yes.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BEN

So that is a... 4.

#### JONNY

A 4. That would normally be a hit, but it is night.

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ Ohhhhh, no.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Which is another -2, for just being hard to see.

#### BEN

That's a 2.

#### JONNY

So... one of the windows of the saloon *explodes* next to them, as the gun bucks violently in your hands. It's not *actually* the first time you've shot it, but you've never actually hit anything with this gun.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ They... dive for cover.

#### CIGARILLO

_(simult.)_ I, uhhhhhh--this--this doesn't usually happen to me! It's--

#### JONNY

So I'm gonna deal out... some very quick initiative cards. _[dealing]_

#### BEN

So faces are...

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Faces--so it starts with--

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ 10, 11--oh, 11, 12, 13?

#### JONNY

--Jokers? Ace? King--

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ Ha-*ha!*

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Hello.

##### [ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

#### JAMES

Ohhhhhh!

#### BRYN

Whoaaaaa!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Everyone got a King!

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ We have three Kings.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Right.

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ I didn't get a King.

#### JONNY

So.

#### ALEX

Ah, Zeke, it's okay.

#### JONNY

So that is... Spades are the highest of--

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ YEAHHHHHH!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --the Kings.

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ By which I mean--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ So--

#### JAMES

[INDISTINCT] kings?

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Yeah.

#### ALEX

_(simult, Nathaniel)_ Ya*hoo!* Ya-hooo. Wooo.

#### JONNY

Again, Savage Worlds aficionados--

##### [BEN SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]

#### JONNY

--will notice that I am not sticking to a 6-second round. This is just a way of ordering the chaos.

#### ALEX

Okay. So, I know that they're aware. Presumably.

#### JONNY

They are currently--there's been a big old __*"BOOM!"*__ gunshot.

#### ALEX

Which is closer? The bank or the church?

#### JONNY

You are equidistant between the two.

#### ALEX

I run to the church!

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### ALEX

Whilst yelling:

#### NATHANIEL

Salvation! *Sal*vation, oh--!

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### NATHANIEL

Oh, PRAISE Jesus, salvation!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ The old pastor--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Oh, I'm just so...

#### JONNY

--has just been locking the front door. And will turn:

#### PASTOR

Ohh! You came back to...

#### NATHANIEL

TELL ME ABOUT *JOB!*

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### NATHANIEL

TELL ME ABOUT JOB, Father! Tell me all about Job!

#### PASTOR

Well now, I know some would disser... would dismiss what I have to say as--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Not me, Father! *Not* me, Father.

#### PASTOR

_(simult.)_ --mere fanfiction, but, uh... is... is the sheriff all right? There seems to be a bit o'commotion.

#### JONNY

Skip to: the King of... Diamonds.

#### JAMES

I'm Diamonds. Is Clubs--so I've beaten Clubs?

#### JONNY

Clubs is the *lowest*.

#### JAMES

Okay, fair enough.

#### BEN

Awwwwwww.

#### JAMES

Right! So, _(as Carl)_ CARL SIDEBOTTOM _(normal)_ is at the door of the vault, with the bank teller behind him...

#### JONNY

Mm-hm.

#### JAMES

...so I think he just--he takes one pace out, he slams the door shut behind him, and pulls his rifle out.

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### JAMES

Do I have enough time to then take a shot through the window?

#### JONNY

Yes, but I will be giving you a -2, 'cause it's a multi-action.

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### JONNY

So, you'd be at -4 in total.

#### JAMES

Sure. And I've got my special rifle, which on this character sheet, for Carlos, uh...

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Vasquez.

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ ...Vasquez, is called Consuela. *My* trademark Winchester '73 is called _(as Carl)_ MARJORIE.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

Right. So, you get +1, so it's a total of -3--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ -3. Oookay.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --to your shot to try and kill one of the deputies. So a d10, a d6... and take 3 away from the highest!

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

Ohhhh. 6 -- 3--

#### BRYN

Well, you reroll the 6.

#### JONNY

Yup.

#### JAMES

Oh, I rolled a 6! Oh yeah!

#### ALEX

Sixes EXPLODE!

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

That's a 1. So it's 7, so that's 4.

#### JONNY

That is a hit! Could you roll me your damage, please? I'll say you hit one of the deputies.

#### JAMES

Sure. 2d8...

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

8.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

13 total.

#### JONNY

And you reroll the 8, 'cause--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Ooohhh!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --that explodes.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

That's another 3, so--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ __*BOOOM!*__

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ --16 total.

#### JONNY

You know that head he had?

##### [JAMES LAUGHS, AND MAKES AN EXPLOSION NOISE]

#### JONNY

Yup. Gory gun murder, the first... first gory gun murder--

#### CARL

_(simult.)_ SURPRIIIIIIISE!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --of the game. He--he is! He is.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JONNY

So. Cigarillo Lee.

#### BEN

Okay. Going slightly pale, 'cause I've not seen somebody actually killed before...

#### JONNY

No! This is probably the first time you've seen a head explode.

#### BEN

This is the second--

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### BEN

This is the second job I've been on.

#### JONNY

Yes!

#### BEN

The first one was trying to knock over a liquor store. So I'll scramble into the bank, 'cause I was standing in the doorway, and knock out one of the panes?

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### BEN

And... if I'm able to with the multi-action, take a shot with my--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Yup.

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ --pistol now. With my rifle, which is kind of over my back with its strap.

#### JONNY

Sure. So that was Kings. Queens? Jack? 10? Yup. _[flips card]_ Blackjack Bronson... he's going for one of the windows that does not open up onto the street. Still in the sort of teller area. And as he does so, you can see he's fiddling around with what looks like some dynamite. And he's going to try and hurl it, roughly, just towards... the sheriff...and his cohort.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

He doesn't actually hit them, but he gets it into the middle of the street, and there is a __*BOOOOM!*__ As various windows shatter and just--there's a lot of smoke and dust and panic. So that was 10s. 9?

##### [PAUSE]

#### JONNY

8.

#### BRYN

I call out:

#### ZEKE

You lied to us, Blackjack!

#### BLACKJACK

Ain't no lies! Come on!

#### ZEKE

They'll be down for now, let's get this cash outta here as quick as we can!

#### JONNY

And yeah, you're--so you're basically making... making tracks with the cash.

#### BRYN

Yeah. I'm gonna--I had two bags, so I'm gonna pick those back up and run to my horse.

#### JONNY

Okay. So that's everyone. _[flips card]_ For the deputies are currently Shaken, so they'll try and--

#### JAMES

Only one deputy.

#### JONNY

One deputy and the sheriff are Shaken. They'll be trying to recover their senses.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

_(laughs)_ Unsuccessfully. You can see a lot more movement from inside of the saloon, and the sight of guns being drawn. You don't know if there are other deputies, or just... armed townsfolk, 'cause it's the Wild West, and more importantly, it's a *monster*-filled Wild West.

##### [JAMES CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

So *everyone* has guns. So yeah. It looks like you're very close to being swarmed by a lot of angry armed people. New round.

##### [DEALING CARDS]

#### JONNY

Jokers? Aces? Blackjack's an Ace. Blackjack's going for his horse. He's on his horse, and he's... he's riding. Kings? Queens? Jacks?

#### JAMES

Jack. Carl Sidebottom is now... I think by this point he's up against the window frame, poised over it, and he's gonna take his time and take a shot at the sheriff.

#### JONNY

Okay, you--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ 'Cause he's already killed the deputy.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --you... you *specifically* want to kill a...

#### JAMES

Yup.

#### JONNY

...to kill the sheriff. All right, make me a shot.

#### JAMES

I'm gonna cut the head off the snake of law and order in this town.

#### JONNY

All right.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### ALEX

That's how *law* works!

#### JAMES

Yup. D10 plus my d6...

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

5 is my top score there.

#### JONNY

So, that's--with the -1 that is a hit. Please roll me your damage.

#### JAMES

Which is... 2d...

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ 8.

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ ...8?

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

5...

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

...and 6 is 11.

#### JONNY

11\. He's gut-shot.

#### ALEX

Oof.

#### JONNY

He goes down. You don't know if he's dead. But he's certainly drunk, and shot, and on the floor.

#### JAMES

Yeah.

#### JONNY

He's *probably* not going to be trying to tackle you.

#### JAMES

Okay. Yup.

#### JONNY

So that's a Jack. 10? 9? 8?

#### BEN

Yup. So yeah, Cigarillo Lee is... things are going badly. Tavern's gone...

#### JONNY

Yup.

#### BEN

Zeke and Blackjack are going. He's also gonna go. Just... run for it.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Yeah, you can--yeah.

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ Jump on the horse.

#### JONNY

Anyone who's making a--who's fleeing this round, I'm gonna let you go fine. Carl might have some problems. What're you on?

#### ALEX

2!

#### JONNY

2\. Well, right, so the _[flips card]_ tavern--basically the windows of the saloon explode with gunfire. It looks like it's being fired pretty much blindly out at you guys.

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

Zeke, Cigarillo, and Blackjack are not in the line of fire. Mr. Fletcher...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

...and... Carl Sidebottom...

#### CARL

OOOHH.

#### JONNY

_(laughing)_ ...very much are.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

They've got... incredible minuses.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ Ohhhhhh, lordy!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ But there are a lot of them.

##### [PAUSE]

#### JONNY

None of them hit you! There's a lot of exploding glass--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ PRAAAISE Jesus!

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --and gunfire--

#### CARL

COME ON THEN, YOU _[indistinct]!*

##### [BEN CHUCKLES]

#### JONNY

Right. And what is Mr. Fletcher doing?

#### ALEX

So, having heard the gunfire, Mr. Fletcher is proceeding to run to the church, run *past* the church while screaming:

#### NATHANIEL

Oh, praise Jesus, I'm saved! Oh! Oh, praise Jes--

#### ALEX

I'm just *running*.

#### PASTOR

_(simult, hollering after him)_ That's not the moral--

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ I'm not even--

#### PASTOR

--of the book of Job!

#### ALEX

I'm just--I'm *just--*

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### ALEX

--running in a beeline and forgetting about my horse, past the church.

#### JONNY

Okay. So, everyone has fled--

#### BRYN

I--

#### JONNY

--except Carl.

#### BRYN

I--well, I'm gonna... help Cigarillo onto a horse. Probably...

#### JONNY

Just bodily lift him.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ Probably Nathan's horse.

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ Nathan--yeah.

#### BRYN

I'm gonna bellow, as I'm geeing up my horse...

#### ZEKE

Caaaarl! It's time to go!

#### BRYN

And then I'm gonna unleash my Rebel Yell ability.

#### JONNY

Right. Because Zeke has an ability called Rebel Yell. It's an Edge that allows you to do a... terrifying war cry of the Confederate army, which can stun people.

#### JAMES

People go like, "Oh my god, I can't *believe* he said that. That is..."

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JAMES

"That is *so* not okay?"

#### JONNY

Normally there's issues with radius and battle maps, but I don't use a battle map, so just... give me a bellow and then roll Intimidate!

#### ZEKE

YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAW!

#### BRYN

I have no Intimidate.

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

Yeah you do.

#### BRYN

Oh! L--I've got loads.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BRYN

Good, good.

#### ALEX

What's the opposite of none?

##### [JAMES CHUCKLES]

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### BRYN

Boooo. 2.

#### JONNY

Well, given you're in Arizona, which at this point in the Civil War is still technically Confederacy, the saloon replies:

#### SALOON

*YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAW!*

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

##### [ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

Did you have--

##### [BEN SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]

##### [ALEX AND BRYN LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

So I mean, it's--it's great, let's all have a--let's all have a big old gunfight!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BRYN

Outstanding.

#### JONNY

I will let you flee if you wish, James.

#### JAMES

Yeah, I think at this point, _[indistinct].*

#### JONNY

I will probably--I tell you what, I'll ask you to make me an Agility roll...

#### JAMES

Sure.

#### JONNY

...to not get shot as you leave.

#### JAMES

Sure. Yeah.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

So that is... yup, I got 6.

#### JONNY

6\. And...

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JONNY

Ah, you've a-been a bit shot.

#### JAMES

Oh.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

##### [DICE RATTLING]

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### BRYN

Just a bit, though.

#### JONNY

Just a *bit* shot.

#### JAMES

Can I--can I reroll? Using one of my...

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Oh, you can, actually--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ ...poker chips?

#### JONNY

--yes. Now, Fate Chips, or Bennies, in Savage Worlds, are a mechanic for rerolling dice. Or, normally, soaking wounds. So if you get wounded, you can avoid getting wounded by spending a Benny. I'm not really using the soaking thing because, as I say, I'm massively simplifying the whole combat. But if you want to reroll your Agility there to try and not-get-shot a bit better.

#### JAMES

Yeah. So, uhhh...

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### JAMES

1 and an 8.

#### JONNY

An 8. Then, yes! You manage to get on your horse, you manage to get on...

#### CARL

COME ON, JEFFY.

#### JONNY

...Jeffy. And ride away, with nary a bullet in your aged rump.

#### JAMES

Okay. Carl turns around back.

##### [CARL YELLS]

#### JAMES

And just... sticks the finger up.

##### [CARL JEERS]

#### JONNY

Right.

##### [CARL JEERS, MORE EXTENSIVELY]

#### JONNY

*Cut* to...

#### JAMES

Literally minutes of that.

#### JONNY

Cut to the morning. You've all been riding for hours.

#### BRYN

Well, one of us hasn't been, 'cause he wasn't on a *horse*.

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ I was fleeing on foot!

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ He's done... *literally everything*--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Yeah, that's a good point, actually.

#### BRYN

--wrong, *every* moment...

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### BRYN

...of this game so far.

#### JONNY

That's a *very* good point.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

Has anyone--I will say that you were all running--fleeing the same direction, so you will have come across the pathetically fleeing Nathaniel Fletcher.

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ Does anyone stop to pick me up?

#### BRYN

I *spit* on you as we pass.

##### [ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

Blackjack will pick you up.

##### [BRYN LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

If necessary.

#### BRYN

I'm at the front, and I'm just spitting in your direction.

##### [ALEX LAUGHING]

#### BRYN

'Cause I'm *so* angry at you.

#### NATHANIEL

_(pathetically)_ Oh, thank you, Blackjack, I'm so tired!

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ I'm... too scared of--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult, even more pathetically)_ I'm so tired, Blackjack.

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### BEN

I'm too scared of Zeke to pick him up.

##### [BRYN CACKLES]

#### JAMES

Carl... was the last one to leave the scene, so would be the last one to catch them up, so he would've already been picked up by that point.

#### JONNY

Yup. Cool. So--yeah, you've been riding now for a good few hours. There is a dust cloud behind you. You are being pursued, hard. Could you all make me Ride rolls?

#### BEN

Oh, *no*.

##### [JONNY LAUGHS SMUGLY]

#### BRYN

Oh dear.

#### BEN

So it's...

#### BRYN

D4...

#### JONNY

Minus 2.

#### BRYN

...plus d6, 'cause we're PCs.

#### JONNY

Yeah.

##### [MULTIPLE DICE ROLLING]

#### BEN

So that'll be the...

##### [MULTIPLE DICE ROLLING]

#### BEN

...critical fail.

#### JONNY

Mm-hm!

#### BRYN

6.

#### JAMES

2.

#### ALEX

3.

#### JONNY

3\. Right. Bryn is fine.

#### BRYN

And the money's on my horse.

##### [ALEX AND JAMES LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

James and Alex, you're going to be at -1 to all rolls until you get a chance to sit down for a while, because you are very saddlesore.

#### ALEX

Only a problem if I try and do anything *usefulllll!*

#### JONNY

_(laughs)_ And Cigarillo Lee... has killed his horse.

##### [LOUD LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

At which point... and *how*--

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Basically you have--

#### BEN

_(simult.)_ --did I achieve this?

#### JONNY

--you have very--well, I mean, you've hardly ever ridden before. You rode off... like a *madman*.

#### BEN

Ahhhh.

#### JONNY

You went--like--you disappeared over the horizon.

#### BEN

S--_[laughs]_--so they come across me by the side of the trail with my thumb out.

##### [ALEX AND JAMES LAUGH]

#### JONNY

Essentially, yes. You have... just aggressively ridden your horse to death. Because you *don't* know how *horses* work.

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ Oh, god.

#### BRYN

I look--

#### JONNY

And--

#### CIGARILLO

I thought they just *went!*

#### ALEX

_(laughing harder)_ Ohhhh, *god!*

#### BRYN

I look furious and disappointed on you, *but* I offer you a seat on the back of my horse.

##### [BEN LAUGHS]

#### CIGARILLO

Thanks, Mister Z, sir! Thank you, I won't do it again!

#### BLACKJACK

God dammit. All right, uh--

#### CIGARILLO

*You said this was gonna be easy! This wasn't easy!*

#### BLACKJACK

It COULD'VE been easy! Ain't no way that the sheriff should've been there!

#### ZEKE

And the deputies.

#### BLACKJACK

*And* the deputies, *god dammit.*

#### CIGARILLO

And the tavern.

##### [ALEX LAUGHS]

#### BLACKJACK

And--_[sighs]_--Carl, you... *shot* t--_[sighs]_--now there--there ain't no way they're gonna leave off the chase now. All right, ummm... _(muttering)_ lemme think.

##### [PAUSE]

#### BLACKJACK

This way.

#### JONNY

And he starts riding off towards a nearby gorge.

#### ALEX

Okay.

#### JONNY

Following him, you head down, and you can see... quite a well-hidden cave.

#### CIGARILLO

That sure looks inviting and not at all ominous.

##### [ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

#### BLACKJACK

Well, ominous or not, it's the only place we got to hide right now.

#### CIGARILLO

Better than a bullet in the brain.

#### CARL

HAS IT GOT ANY CHAIRS?

#### BLACKJACK

Oh, uh...

#### ZEKE

What do we do with the horses, Jack?

#### BLACKJACK

Well, should be space for 'em in there.

#### ZEKE

Okay.

#### BLACKJACK

We can eat 'em later if we need to.

#### ZEKE

_(quietly)_ Hmmmm.

#### BLACKJACK

_(quietly)_ I mean the horses.

##### [PAUSE]

#### CARL

DON'T LISTEN.

##### [JAMES AND ALEX LAUGH]

#### CARL

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, JEFFY.

#### JAMES

And Carl claps his hands over Jeffy's ears.

#### CARL

DON'T LISTEN TO THEM.

#### JONNY

You reach the cave. It is... dark. The shadows... they seem to come right up to the edge. The sun doesn't seem to penetrate even a little bit beyond the threshold.

#### CARL

REMINDS ME OF HULL.

##### [BRYN LAUGHING]

#### CARL

THIS IS LIKE *HULL* ON EARTH.

##### [BRYN GROAN-LAUGHING]

#### JONNY

That is... it is a large cave. There is a lot of space in there. You can get the horses. You probably wouldn't want to start a fire in here, because it would channel the smoke out quite visibly. It goes deep, though, it goes quite a ways in, you can't actually see far.

#### ZEKE

How long we gonna hold up here, Jack?

#### BLACKJACK

'Til I'm sure they're gone.

#### ALEX

Do any of us have a source of light, in any way?

#### JONNY

You--various of you have matches, and Blackjack has a few lanterns.

#### ALEX

Okay.

#### JONNY

Which he will hand out, actually. In fact, I'm gonna say he has three lanterns. He will take one. He will give Zeke one, and he will give Carl one.

##### [ALEX AND JAMES LAUGH]

#### JONNY

Because...

#### BEN

Fair enough.

#### JONNY

...that's...

#### ZEKE

Who's got the best eyes? Someone needs to be watchin' the gorge, the way we came down.

#### CIGARILLO

Uh... that might be me.

#### NATHANIEL

Uh, yeah, prob--probably? I mean...

#### ZEKE

I don't trust this--this... man as far as I could throw 'im.

#### CIGARILLO

Well that's pretty far, though.

#### ZEKE

True.

##### [A SOUND LIKE A LONG AND MENACING EXHALE OF BREATH]

#### CIGARILLO

B--Blackjack, was that you?

#### BLACKJACK

_(subdued)_ No. Sounded like it came from deeper in the cave.

#### CIGARILLO

Uh...

#### BLACKJACK

Coulda just been wind.

#### CIGARILLO

I--

#### ZEKE

Yeah. Probably just the wind.

#### CARL

SORRY ABOUT THAT, LADS.

#### NATHANIEL

It's definitely--it's definitely not the wind. We're *all* in trouble, we should flee immediately.

#### BLACKJACK

All right. Uh--Cigarillo?

#### CIGARILLO

Yeah? Yeahyeahyeah, yeah.

#### BLACKJACK

Uh, you watch the--you watch the gorge, uh...

#### CIGARILLO

Yup!

#### BLACKJACK

Carl, you too. Um--

#### NATHANIEL

I'll watch the horses!

#### BLACKJACK

No, you, and Zeke... let's go check out whatever was makin' that noise.

#### NATHANIEL

O-or I could... I could watch the--

#### ZEKE

You're comin' with us.

#### NATHANIEL

Okey-doke. Yup--oh! _(strained)_ Yup, that's fine.

#### JONNY

Blackjack will hand you each a lantern.

#### ALEX

I get a lantern?

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ Yeah!

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ *Yes!*

#### JONNY

And... head off, into the cave.

#### NATHANIEL

You lead the way, Zeke, I am *right* behind you--

#### BRYN

_(simult.)_ I have one hand--

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ --my, um--

#### BRYN

--on the back of your neck--

[ALEX LAUGHS

BRYN

--AND YOU ARE EXACTLY ONE ARM'S LENGTH IN FRONT OF ME.

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES]

#### CARL

COME ON THEN, YOUNG MR. LEE! OFF TO THE MOUTH OF THE CAVE WE GO.

#### CIGARILLO

Uh, yup. Yeah, sure. S--sure thing.

#### JONNY

It is dark. And you can see: lacing through the walls are small veins of a dark gray rock, speckled with white, that you would recognize as ghost rock. It's about a minute of walking. The ground is gradually going down. It's... a surprisingly deep cave. When it seems to split off into two.

#### NATHANIEL

Well. Now we know. Okay. Excellent. So it splits into two and there was nothing here. So, we can go back, we can--

#### BLACKJACK

_(simult.)_ You wanna take one, Zeke?

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult.)_ --wait, it'll be great...

#### BLACKJACK

I'll keep an eye on Fletcher.

#### ZEKE

All right. I'll go left.

#### BLACKJACK

I'll go right.

#### NATHANIEL

I'll... apparently--_(strained)_ okay, here we go, yup.

#### BRYN

I've got the lantern in one hand and I've brought out my club.

#### JONNY

Okay. Blackjack will gesture for you to proceed, Alex.

#### ALEX

Fletcher knows enough not to try his luck, and proceeds. *Really* slowly. Being *really* careful.

#### JONNY

Okay.

#### ALEX

'Cause he thinks he might *die* soon.

#### JONNY

After about a minute, you come to what looks like a roughly-carved-out cavern. You can't see any other exits from it. Casting your light around, it looks like there are scratches, over the wall.

#### ALEX

What *kind* of scratches?

#### JONNY

Make me a Notice roll.

#### ALEX

Okay. My Notice is a formidable... 4. _[chuckles quietly]_ I'm good at stealing things, I'm not good at noticing them to steal!

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### ALEX

The 6 explodes!

#### JONNY

Mm-hm.

##### [DICE ROLLING]

#### ALEX

To a 10.

#### JONNY

To a 10--they are not fingernail scratches. They look like claws, of some sort.

#### NATHANIEL

Um, Bla--Bl--Bla--

#### JONNY

The beam...

#### NATHANIEL

_(nervous)_ Mmmmm?

#### JONNY

...of your lantern...

##### [ALEX CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

#### JONNY

...casts around the room, and you see what looks like... it looks like a nest. Made of... clothes.

#### NATHANIEL

_(whispering **very** quietly)_ Blackjack. _(fractionally louder)_ Bla--Blackjack.

#### JONNY

Next to it is a--

#### NATHANIEL

_(whispering)_ Blackjack.

#### JONNY

--pile of...

#### NATHANIEL

_(simult, whispering loudly)_ We're gonna *die*, Blackjack.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ It's hard to--it's hard to tell exactly, it's... leather? Maybe?

#### NATHANIEL

_(whispering)_ Blackjack. _(voice cracking)_ Blackjack, we should go. We're definitely gonna die.

#### BLACKJACK

What is it?

#### NATHANIEL

Clothes 'n' stuff 'n' people 'n' dead people 'n' stuff.

#### BLACKJACK

Dead people?

#### NATHANIEL

Yeah definitely.

##### [PAUSE]

#### BLACKJACK

You sure? Have a look.

##### [PAUSE]

#### NATHANIEL

Uh, yup I can see. Yup. Loads of--loads of that. Stuff.

#### JONNY

You turn to look at Blackjack... and you can see that a little bit of his face is sagging away from his eye.

#### ALEX

I drop the lantern and immediately flee the way I came.

#### JONNY

And we'll end it there!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

AAAAHHHH!

#### BEN

Spooky.

#### ALEX

Interestingly, dropping the lantern isn't even a tactical choice, it just felt *right*.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Well, thank you for that, Jonny, and obviously people will be returning for our next episode--

#### JONNY

Mm-hm.

#### ALEX

--which will be second concluding part of this...

#### JONNY

Yup yup yup.

#### ALEX

...atrocious horror! Thanks again for guesting, and we will see everyone next episode! Bye guys.

#### ALL

Bye!

#### JONNY

Oh. The apple.

##### [LAUGHTER, CROSSTALK, YELLING]

#### ALEX

AAAAHH!

#### JAMES

Aaaahhhh. _[continues]_

#### JONNY

[INDISTINCT], okay.

#### BRYN

Good start, good start.

#### JONNY

Okay.

##### [LAUGHTER STOPS]

#### ALEX

[STARTS LAUGHING AGAIN] Sorry.

#### ALEX

Fine.

#### CARL

"OOOOOHHHHH," THEY'LL SAY. OLD AGE IS COMING FOR YOU.

#### ALEX

You--

#### CARL

YEAH, YOU!

#### ALEX

You had a full brief of what you were getting into. You *knew*.

#### JONNY

I...

#### ALEX

You __*knew.*__

#### JONNY

I... knew. I expected the... people to be better at--

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ American accents.

#### JONNY

_(simult.)_ --doing silly accents, fundamentally.

#### JAMES

_(simult.)_ And--I--I am!

#### BEN

Hey! *My* silly accent is excellent.

#### JAMES

I felt more like doing Yorkshire today. That's just what... what called me.

#### ALEX

I think--I need a thief voice. All I--I've now got stuck in my head--

##### [BRYN SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]

#### ALEX

_(simult.)_ --is Skeletor. _[laughs]_

#### BEN

_(Skeletor)_ Neh! Which is--_[laughs]_

#### ALEX

Nnn--

#### BEN

_(Skeletor)_ *I'm* _[indistinct]_ for the laaaand!

#### JAMES

_(Skeletor)_ But I can't steal any *meat*, *can* I? Otherwise where would I put it? That would look *creepy!*

#### ALEX

_(Skeletor)_ Although it's weird that I have a comb--_[laughs]_--when I'm Skeletor! What's with that? _(normal)_ No. I'll find something else.

#### BEN

Is that observational comedy from Skeletor?

##### [JAMES AND ALEX LAUGH]

#### JAMES

_(Skeletor)_ What's the deal with this? Why have I...

#### BEN

_(simult, Skeletor)_ I'm old!

#### JAMES

_(simult, Skeletor)_ Whaaaat?

#### BEN

_(Skeletor)_ Myeaaahhh!

##### [JAMES LAUGHS]

#### JONNY

_(Skeletor)_ And *what* is the *deal*--

#### BRYN

I would--

#### JONNY

_(Skeletor)_ --with *combs?* They're made of *bone*... yet useless to me!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

_(Skeletor)_ What is this, a--a ribcage for *ants?*

##### [LAUGHTER]
