---
layout:          post
title:           "RQG005 - The Naked Arsonist"
date:            2015-07-01 11:00:00 -0400
episode_type:      episode
tags:            [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham]
voiced:          [Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, Sasha Racket, Zolf Smith, Bertie MacGuffingham]
categories:			"rqg"
podcasts: ["rqg"]
title_prefix:	"RQG"
prev_categories: ["rqg"]
prev_prefixes: ["RQG"]
prev_episode:   ['004']
prev_episode_num:		['004']
prev_episode_title:		["Fire and Pianos"]
next_categories: ["rqg"]
next_prefixes: ["RQG"]
next_episode:   ['006']
next_episode_num:		['006']
next_episode_title:		["Gazebos, Sleuthing and Hats"]
episode_title:   'The Naked Arsonist'
episode_number:  '005'
summary:         "Join Alex, James, Bryn, Ben and Lydia as they continue to play a unique, extended Pathfinder Tabletop Roleplaying Campaign: Erasing the Line.<br/>In this episode Zolf and Bertie try to outrun fire, Hamid plays the hero and Sasha terrifies a tailor."
content_flags:   ["Mass death", "trapped by fire", "explosions", "Mentions: drugs (opium)"]
acast_url:       https://play.acast.com/s/rustyquillgaming/rqg-5-the-naked-arsonist
formats: 
    # DOCX: 
    # PDF: 
    # Google Doc: 
official:        true
wiki_url:        https://rqg.fandom.com/wiki/RQG_5_-_The_Naked_Arsonist
---

##### [Show Theme - Intro] 

#### ALEX

Hello! And welcome to episode 5 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast. My name is Alex Newall, I'm your host and GM and with me today I have: 

#### LYDIA

Lydia Nicholas. 

#### BEN

Ben Meredith. 

#### BRYN

Bryn Monroe. 

#### JAMES

James Ross. 

#### ALEX

And we're continuing playing our extended Pathfinder campaign. Everyone, tell me about your characters just to get everyone up to speed quickly?

#### JAMES

I'm Sir Bertrand "Bertie" MacGuffingham, a posh idiot who likes hitting things in a flashy way and pushing pianos around. _(as Bertie)_ My archnemesis: all furniture! 

#### BRYN

I am playing Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, the halfling sorcerer and, if last session was anything to go by, also a *ninja.*

#### ALEX

Oh, definitely. 

#### BEN

I'm Zolf Smith, a cleric of Poseidon, weedy puller-upper...

##### [LAUGHTER]

_(grimly delighted)_ And likely to burn to death next round.

#### LYDIA

I am Sasha Racket, who likes appraising antiques and jumpin' on people and stabbing them in the head.

##### [ALEX CACKLES]

#### BEN

Is that her hobby? 

#### LYDIA

That's... 

#### ALEX

The pawnbroking business has gotten very rough in the recession! 

#### LYDIA

You really need two jobs to make it these days!

##### [MORE LAUGHTER] 

#### ALEX

Okay, so last time obviously the Simulacrum was apparently stolen... 

#### LYDIA

Ooh! 

#### ALEX

...and there were people dying all over the place and falling and pain and misery and fire and holes in the ground! And you managed to save one diplomat, find another one who fell into a hole and may be able to still rescue, and rescue another one who's unconscious. There's fire spreading in the corner, Byron is still unconscious with Colgate tending to him, and Sasha is now currently sneaking down a tunnel. 

#### BRYN(?)

That's, that's Edison's body, isn't it? 

#### ALEX

Yeah, it is. And Sasha is currently heading down after the servant who managed to escape first, with that folder, and the one who escaped having narrowly dodged a dagger into the top of the head. And leaving his friend behind who's underneath that piano. We're still in combat time, so it's the start of a new round as far I am aware. So! Hamid, you are up. 

##### [SFX OF FIRE IMMEDIATELY FADES IN]

#### BEN

_(wavery panic)_ The fire spreads!

#### ALEX

Oh, yeah, good point.

#### LYDIA

Does it spread at the beginning or the end? 

#### ALEX

No, I spread it at the end of the... 

#### BEN

Phew! Hoo.

#### ALEX

Next round, it's spreading and burning all of you!

#### BEN

Yes, unless we move.

#### JAMES

Well, not me. I'm fine.

#### ALEX

You know what's a fun thing to remember...

##### [DRAMATIC PAUSE]

*They're not moving!* And the fire is. Byron and Colgate, you may want to pay attention to that. So, what you doing Hamid? 

#### BRYN

I'm trying to decide whether to run down the dark tunnel after Sasha, or go and help the French diplomat who fell through the ceiling earlier. 

#### ALEX

You tell me. 

#### BRYN

_(draws breath)_ I'm going to go and help the French diplomat. I'm going to do it *quickly.*

##### [A FEW SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

Okay. How're you doing so? 

#### BRYN

I'm going to run across the... 

#### ALEX

So you're underneath? 

#### BRYN

...and just see... 

#### ALEX

You're still in initiative. So I'm still going to get you moving the square. 

#### BRYN

Yeah, I mean I just don't know where he is or... 

#### LYDIA

He's there. 

#### BRYN

Okay. One -- two, three, four, five, six. I will move... sorry, that's a double move action. I'll just hold him up and make sure he's not dead. I mean I can't do much else because I'm not a... 

#### ALEX

Sure. You encounter him. He doesn't really seem to be with it any more. He's going a bit... a bit mental. And then you can see, just at a glance, he's probably got two broken legs. 

#### LYDIA

Ooohh! 

#### ALEX

But he's conscious. There's not a lot of blood or anything. It's just that his legs are at a little bit of an awkward angle and he's kind of, you know, _(snickering)_ half up to his neck in wine and stuff. 

#### LYDIA

Where's the fire? 

#### ALEX

On the ground floor. It's awash with wine so the fire is not spreading. 

#### LYDIA

Okay, sure. I didn't want to cause trouble for you -- 

#### ALEX

So occasionally there are pieces of like burning... and timber and stuff will be dropping down and splashing, but it's not actually catching. 

#### BRYN

Wine is not flammable? 

#### ALEX

No, it's not. 

#### BRYN

Er, I will... 

#### ALEX

Which is why it's not on *fire.* 

#### LYDIA

We're in the spirits...

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Oh my God! You're not in the vodka salon.

#### BRYN

I probably don't know enough not to drag him. So I'm going to drag him towards the safer side of the room.

#### ALEX

Hey, first aid: get everyone out of immediate danger before you try and look after them. Good point. 

#### BRYN

I don't have a move left this turn...

#### ALEX

Sure, but you'll... 

#### BRYN

I'll just keep his head above water. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, that's fine. 

#### LYDIA

Wine. So as he's falling down, like, _(makes sipping sounds)_ "Oh, this is delicious. Really, it doesn't hurt as much as you'd think!"

#### ALEX

Stuff happens that we aren't aware of. Bertie. 

#### JAMES

I think that now that that diplomat has been pulled out of immediate danger, I'm going to run towards Byron?

#### ALEX

Sure. 

#### JAMES

Because I'm out of immediate danger. 

#### ALEX

The fire is about to spread onto the squares that you're currently stood on.

##### [JAMES GROANS]

#### BEN

I am with -- if you dither at all, I'll gesture... kind of go -- _(making frustrated noises)_

#### JAMES

I was about to say, are you capable of moving a man who isn't going to be... yeah, okay fine, cool. In that case... 

#### ALEX

His Strength check was because he is hanging... 

#### BEN

I mean I've got 12 Strength. That's enough to drag someone who's quite a small man.

#### JAMES

Alright, lovely.

#### ALEX

I was factoring a lot of, like, you were having to brace yourself against the floor, and all kinds of stuff.

##### [GENERAL AGREEING NOISES]

#### BRYN

Yeah, lifting stuff is very different from dragging them. 

#### JAMES

I am going to move in the direction of Byron -- if I hold... everything this turn to get to Byron... 

#### BRYN

That would be a full double move, to get to there.

#### ALEX

Is that -- really? 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

5, 10, 15... oh yeah, you've got the armour. 

#### JAMES

Okay. Can I do that and then, like, attempt to talk to Byron or, like, shout at him while I'm moving in that direction? 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, you can. 

#### BERTIE

Byron! Byron! Wake up, I've got some opium. Byron!

##### [SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

The response you get is something akin to _(drawn-out)_ "Argh! Aaarrgghh"... 

#### BERTIE

Really good opium and a *bear* is carrying it!

##### [MORE SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

Yeah, he's... 

#### BERTIE

The bear has got a hat! 

#### ALEX

There's chunks of building in Byron, currently, so he may not be in a position to respond. 

#### JAMES

How I was going to respond was, like, pick up Byron and help move him. 

#### ALEX

You've used all of your move but next time you will be able to basically, bodily, just chuck him over your shoulder. 

#### JAMES

Okay, right. What does Colgate look like at this point? 

#### ALEX

Colgate looks alright. You know, he's got kind of superficial stuff, scuffs and scrapes and stuff. But he's there. You know, sleeves rolled up. He's administering it. In fact, as you come up he just goes _(matter-of-fact)_ "Apply pressure!" And carries on with what he's doing. 

#### JAMES

I, I apply pressure.

##### [ALEX MAKES A PAINFUL SNAPPING NOISE]

##### [UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]

I, it's apply pressure. The stakes are really high!

#### ALEX

Okay, and so another thing happens that no one is aware of in this room.

Boop-boop. And... _(laughing)_ the one under the piano continues to be under a piano. 

#### LYDIA

No, but he didn't die?!

#### ALEX

He might be dead, but he's still... 

#### BEN & ALEX

He's under a piano! 

#### ALEX

Zolf, you're up. 

#### BEN

_(simultaneously)_ He may be lying low, so like, "I think I might be fine if I just stay here!"

#### JAMES

"Best case scenario: this is a very dark harp."

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

I will drag the man, but at... double my speed?

#### ALEX

So dragging, you'll be moving at half speed. 

#### BEN

So double my... 

#### ALEX

But you can use your full two moves. So you end up moving at your speed but dragging him. 

##### [BEN MAKES A PAINED NOISE]

#### LYDIA

So can I just check, is your movement speed as fast or faster than the fire spreads? 

#### BRYN

Faster than fire.

#### BEN

_(simultaneously)_ No, it's double. It's double the speed of fire. 

#### LYDIA

Right. 

#### BEN

That's a good superhero thing. _(deep tough advertiser voice)_ "Double the speed of fire!"

##### [JAMES CACKLES] 

#### LYDIA

I thought your movement is 10! 

#### BEN

And it's 5. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah.

##### [BEAT]

Well that is... we can do the maths. Yeah!

#### BRYN

It's still pathetic. Frankly.

#### BEN

Yeah, it's... It's pretty bad. 

#### ALEX

So you move your full ten? 

#### BEN

Yes.

##### [TWO DECISIVE CLONKS]

#### ALEX

Okay. _(trying not to laugh)_ And Sasha... 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

...before the fire. So Sasha, you're up. You're currently heading down a corridor. 

#### LYDIA

Yep.

##### [FIRE NOISES FADE SLIGHTLY]

#### ALEX

So for you, it's going to get a bit more descriptive, because I don't have a map that's bigger than, like, the world. So you're currently... you're sneaking down a corridor. 

#### LYDIA

So it's a corridor. Sorry, because you said that looked like a blasted hole right? 

#### ALEX

I'm calling it a corridor. I'm, I'm misnoming it. 

#### LYDIA

Is it a dug-out tunnel? 

#### ALEX

So what it appears to be is that it's blown through into what looks to be a neighbouring cellar, or something similar. So it is currently moving between boxes. So what at first looks like a tunnel now that you're there, there are actually crates on either side. So someone's probably gone through a warehouse or something similar, or at least the storage beneath one of the other town houses. It may even be a cellar for this building. You don't know. But you find yourself with crates on either side and you're sneaking along quite carefully, and you hear distinctly the sound of a blast further up.

##### [SFX: HUGE BUT DISTANT BLAST, GLASS CRACKING]

#### ALEX

And you make it through a T-junction. Left or right basically, and... or you could take the time to climb up over the crates. 

#### LYDIA

So can you tell me -- could I hear which direction the blast came from? 

#### ALEX

It sounds like it came from directly in front rather than... 

#### LYDIA

Ah, okay. 

#### ALEX

...sort of to one side. 

#### LYDIA

Right. So, I think that I will climb up on top of the crate. 

#### ALEX

Okay. 

#### LYDIA

I will be very sneaky. So do that. 

#### ALEX

Sure. 

#### LYDIA

I don't know if there are... 

#### ALEX

Yeah, what you'll be doing is a Climb check and a Stealth check. The Stealth check, if you fail it, it doesn't affect how you can climb or anything. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

But the Climb check is if you fail the Climb check you do not successfully climb. 

#### LYDIA

Right. 

#### ALEX

There is a very cool rogue skill which I like which, this is going to get really in depth so I'll get through it quickly. There is a rogue feat in Pathfinder which basically says "take a Ninja feat" -- because Ninja is a class. And of the ninja feats there is one which gives you a climb speed. Actually we've played a previous game where you were using a character that had that. So if you really intend to do a lot of climbing, it's actually a decent feat to take, but again it's *only* good for climbing. 

#### LYDIA

Well, if the next place you take us to is a multi-levelled building with lots of obstacles then I will begin to see a pattern in your GM-ing and possibly take a Climb feat to back it up, but... 

#### ALEX

"You find yourself in a desert. A salt flat!" 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### BRYN

But a *multi-storey* salt flat.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Okay, so you start to climb up. So if you give me the Climb check. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Eighteen plus three.

#### ALEX

Yeah, you're good. Okay. So basically you start climbing up and yeah, you're... 

#### LYDIA

Do I need to do a Stealth check, to see if I'm stealthy?

#### ALEX

I'll get you up to the top and then I'll do the Stealth check afterwards. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. 

#### ALEX

So, yeah, you're climbing up. It's not especially high. It's maybe sort of 20 feet, so it's right up near the ceiling. 

#### LYDIA

That's quite high! 

#### ALEX

What I mean though, is that it's not like a warehouse. But it is on the ground. 

#### JAMES(?)

More of a ware-bungalow. 

#### ALEX

It's a ware-bunker.

##### [AGREEING NOISES]

It's a man who goes out and when he comes out he turns into a large, fortified building!

##### [JAMES CACKLES]

#### LYDIA

I'm 5 foot and Sasha is a couple of inches than that. That's pretty tall still! So, good climbing. 

#### ALEX

It's a decent climb, yeah. It's a good job. I mean... 

#### LYDIA

Well done climbing. 

#### ALEX

Getting an 18 did... if you'd fell you'd've hurt yourself. 

#### LYDIA

Oh gosh, okay. 

#### ALEX

So you get to the top. Give me a Stealth check now. 

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Oh crap! Four plus seven.

#### ALEX

Basically it is a big climb. There's one period where you grab something that you think is a crate, actually is a piece of timber poking out from one of the boxes. It falls. It clatters. Honestly though, there's quite a lot of noise coming from back there of burning timber and masonry and... 

#### BEN

And explosions! 

#### ALEX

And explosions further ahead! Like... it was a bad Stealth check, but I feel like it's not that much of an issue.

And you see that there are a few more rows, basically, of crates the path left and right would have taken you, and it just intersperses like aisles. You can't see the far end of it, just because it's not lit. You're... it's getting darker as you move along. That would... 

#### LYDIA

I think that was my move when I climbed. 

#### ALEX

That would be... yeah, that would be your full action. But if you want to... anything else you want to ask or anything? 

#### LYDIA

Perception check just to... but then I did that and I heard about the... I heard the explosion, didn't I? 

#### ALEX

Yeah, you didn't hear any footsteps when you hit that one. 

#### LYDIA

No, there isn't really anything that I need to do. I'm just climbing through... 

#### ALEX

Okay! Well, now you get to call out your thing.

#### BEN

Mm?

#### ALEX

*"Fire spreads!"*

#### BEN

Ohhh, yes! 

#### LYDIA

You've got a catchphrase now. 

#### BEN

I do, apparently. 

#### LYDIA

Shout it out!

#### BEN

The fire spreads.

#### JAMES(?)

The fire has already, that fire has already gone --

#### ALEX

Oh yeah, the fire has completely swallowed that corner. Goodness me.

##### [SFX: FIRE SOUNDS INCREASE AGAIN]

#### BEN(?)

Yeah, so you -- you just, barely outstripping the fire.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

That... yeah... so Zolf is *juuuust* staying ahead of the fire there. And what I'm going to do is get a bit more creative now. So the flames are licking up near the ceiling of the actual music hall -- in that corner that's aflame nearest the door that you came in. In flact... in *flact?* In *fact,* from the tannoy system that they were using to speak some sparks go and it just pops. It just bursts from the heat. The ceiling paint is visibly peeling. Flames are licking up against the wall and there is a very ominous creak coming from that corner. You're suspecting that probably the floor above is going to start wanting to fall in.

I mean, looking around, the ceiling has lots of cracks in it and the occasional small hole. It's not on a comparison to how badly the floor's been damaged. Clearly the blast has been down and up, rather than sort of all around you, and a lot of masonry has been fired up into the ceiling, come back down and brought a little bit of the ceiling with it. So it's not... you don't have a massive cave because there's not massive gaping holes in the ceiling leading to the other floors. But there could very well soon be given the spread of that fire.

#### LYDIA

Oh dear! 

#### BEN

Oh good grief. 

#### ALEX

So, Hamid, you're up. You are currently... almost... you're sort of surrounded by fire above you. So looking up there's like that -- you see there's the hole in the ceiling, light coming down, flames licking round all sides and you're knee-deep in wine. One part of this that Hamid would actually be okay! 

#### BRYN

Is there an exit to this wine cellar? 

#### ALEX

Yes, the exit to the wine cellar is an equivalent to the door that you came in via the, um... the music hall. Also, I'm afraid there is no other natural exit. It's like there's one door in, one door out for the cellar. That tunnel is its own thing. There wasn't any secondary exits to the cellar. 

##### [BRYN MAKES A CONFLICTED NOISE]

#### ALEX

Wouldn't be a problem if you could turn into a dragon! 

#### LYDIA

There would be other problems! 

#### ALEX

Oh my God, he's a *dragon.* 

#### JAMES

His handshake is now if anything *too* firm! 

#### BRYN

The thing is, I want to run after Sasha and help her. But I don't think I can morally abandon this poor injured diplomat. 

#### ALEX

Then don't.

#### BEN

Also, if she's snuck off, aren't you pretty rubbish at sneaking? 

#### ALEX

Halflings are pretty solid actually. Plus he's not wearing armour so he'll be alright. I mean, she'd outstrip him, but he's no... 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

He's no slack. 

#### BRYN

Yeah. At least for the time being. At level one where I'm nearly as good as her. By level four or five --

#### ALEX

So, keeping it moving. What you doing, Bryn? 

#### BRYN

I'm going to drag this poor diplomat towards the door. 

#### ALEX

Okay! And you get to move... basically you're moving half your move speed, so if you use both of your moves you'd be at your move speed --

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

So do so. Basically move yourself just to keep track. So Hamid has basically been dragging this French diplomat who, again, is not really coherent. Can you speak French? 

#### BRYN

Yes. 

#### ALEX

Okay. So: there's a few swear words in there but he's not been particularly coherent. 

#### BRYN

I'll mutter some reassuring platitudes in French. 

#### ALEX

Mutter them. _(in low mutter/grumble)_ "You're going to be fine."

##### [SNICKERS]

But yeah... 

#### BRYN

"Don't worry, it's going to be fine. Y-you'll be okay." 

#### ALEX

But yeah, Hamid is one turn away from getting, sort of, to the doors of the cellar. So...

#### LYDIA

_(singsong)_ The roof is on fire and will fall on our heads!

#### ALEX

_(cheerfully)_ The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! Literally! You are all going to die!

##### [FIRE NOISES FADE OUT AGAIN AS WE PAN TO SASHA]

So. You hear footsteps and see and the one that... not the first one that got away, but the second one that got away, has... is basically sneaking amongst the crates. He's not looking up. He's assuming someone's on his level. He's at the final row of crates before what looks like a door out, or something similar.

#### BEN

Are there three rows of crates? 

#### ALEX

Yep. And you basically see him. He's been really careful because he's expecting, at any moment, you to come round the corner. He's already got another flask in hand -- but he's not looking up. Bertie, you're up.

##### [FIRE NOISES COME BACK IN]

#### JAMES

Okay. Is there... are there any other entrances or exits to this big hall? Particularly against this side of the wall? 

#### ALEX

There may be behind the curtains of the stage. The curtains at the stage have been pulled aside... 

#### JAMES

Okay. 

#### ALEX

...but they're not fully exposed. So... 

#### JAMES

Okay.

#### BEN

Are there windows?

#### JAMES

Yeah, that was my next question. 

#### ALEX

There *are* high windows. The windows are 10 foot off the floor, and they have the curtains closed, which have gone _(mimics catching-fire-noise)_ *vroom.*

#### BEN

Ah.

#### JAMES

I'm not going to throw Byron through a window.

#### ALEX

On the side -- 

#### BEN

The burning windows!

#### ALEX

On the side that Byron's at... 

#### JAMES

Yep. 

#### ALEX

There are no burning windows. The flames haven't caught here. 

#### JAMES

Okay. 

#### ALEX

On the side that Zolf is nearest to, all of the curtains are aflame. 

#### JAMES

So they're 10 foot up, right? Even those. 

#### ALEX

They're 10 foot up. Like, you would be doing a pretty formidable Strength check to literally pick Byron of all people up, hold him over your head and then double-arm throw him, up, out through a window.

#### BEN

Like a big, drunk beach ball.

#### JAMES

I don't think that's going to be very helpful. 

#### ALEX

That's not particularly feasible. 

#### JAMES

Okay. And in terms of the stage, are there any... presumably there's a natural way up through the stage. Is there a staircase? 

#### ALEX

Yes, there is a staircase right up against the back wall which you could go up. 

#### JAMES

Just on that side or the other side as well? 

#### ALEX

Both sides. 

#### JAMES

Both sides, okay, cool. Um... lovely. In that case, I think... I would normally check with Colgate to see -- he's clearly more medically experienced of the two of us and would normally ask him where we should move him, but the fire is coming in quite quickly, so I think I'm just going to make up my mind --

#### ALEX

So just say what you're doing. 

#### JAMES

So Bertie picks up Byron, pushes Colgate to one side and just moves off around the side of the crater as fast as he can in that direction. 

#### ALEX

So if you move one move speed, because he's dragging a body. 

#### JAMES

Okay. 

#### ALEX

Bryn's okay to move that. And the diplomats -- meanwhile, I'm going to keep it moving. 

##### [BEAT]

Something happens that you can't see or hear. Zolf, you're up. 

#### BEN

Okay, I've remembered something!

#### ALEX

Go for it. 

#### BEN

That floating disc isn't gone. And it follows me.

#### ALEX

Ah!

#### BEN

Now, although it can't fly, it probably has gone _(humming noise)_ all around the hole to get me. I'm not sure exactly how floating disks work. 

#### ALEX

Do you have to waste part of your actions controlling it?

#### BEN

Nope.

#### LYDIA

How many rounds do we have? Because it lasts 10 rounds of that. 

#### BEN

It's not been 10 yet. 

#### LYDIA

It's been quite a lot. 

#### ALEX

Not since he cast it. I think... I'd have to go back and listen actually, I don't know. I should have been keeping track. In fairness, actually, I say I should. When you have an effect that has a number of rounds, it is your responsibility to keep track of. I have to keep track of all the environmental factors, which I'm *terrible* at, we've established with the fire. And all of the NPC's... 

#### BEN

As far as I'm aware it's been six rounds. 

#### ALEX

Okay. 

#### BRYN

Six or seven. 

#### ALEX

So here's a thing is -- for future reference. If a negative or a positive effect is happening, you guys have to keep track of what's affecting you. If you have a bonus, so let's say that Bryn is offering other people while he's got a spell active of bonus plus one, it's his responsibility to remind you guys.

*Technically,* if I was an amazing GM I'd be able to keep track of all of this. But I'm not. So, you're going to have to deal with it yourself. 

#### LYDIA

_(deadpan)_ Honesty is really a sign of power and strength, Alex.

##### [JAMES SNORTS]

#### ALEX

Aw!

#### LYDIA

All of us believe in you. Because you tell us that we shouldn't believe you. Very impressed. 

#### ALEX

Aw, I'm going to tell my mum that. And then make her say it! 

#### BEN

So no, it doesn't accost me, it just kind of follows me around unless otherwise proactive. 

#### ALEX

So what're you're thinking, I feel like you're leading towards something. 

#### BEN

_(fast)_ Okay, so basically, I'm going to pick up the diplomat, right, and I'm going to jump down that hole.

##### [BEAT]

Because the other option is I jump down *that* hole, and that hole is further away than this hole. 

#### JAMES

Oh, so you can stand on the disk and then get the disk to gently... 

#### BEN

I'm going to put the diplomat on the disk and get it to follow me down. 

#### ALEX

But you're going to take the... sort of however-many-feet drop. Okay, that's fine. 

#### BRYN

You say it was about a 30 foot drop. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, it varies between sort of 30 and 20. There's like chunks of masonry and stuff messing around with it. Okay, in which case then you... 

#### BEN

So bundle the diplomat onto the disc? 

#### ALEX

Yep. How was the falling rate of the disc? In fact -- oh yeah, because its currently over the sort of edge of the, um... 

#### BEN

Yep.

##### [BEN CH-CH-CHS TO HIMSELF AS HE CHECKS SOMETHING]

It... isn't... mentioned.

#### BRYN

_(snickering)_ Yeah, I'm not sure if it's designed for this eventuality. 

#### ALEX

If I may be honest, it may plummet exactly as fast if they... 

#### LYDIA

But then if it came to three feet above the ground it would probably have... 

#### ALEX

It's three feet less... but it's not gonna be... 

#### BEN

My thinking is I put him on the disk, hold onto the disk and jump *with* the disk. So that I'm effectively holding him, but there might be some extra cushion-age from the disc attempting to keep above them.

#### ALEX

Alright, I'll --

#### BEN

I don't know how it works because I've not used it in...like as a Cleric I haven't used it for this yet. 

#### ALEX

I need to do some more research on that because these are quite specific scenarios. I'll have to do a bit more research. I'll go with it for now. But you're going to be taken extra damage because you're basically taking his fall damage, minus a bit for the disk, and your own. 

#### BEN

I will be surprised as you by the... in character, as you, by the effects of this. 

#### ALEX

Go for it. 

#### BEN

We're experimenting! Yay! 

#### ALEX

You don't need to roll Acrobatics. What we do need to do is find out how much damage you take. 

#### BEN

Okay. Cool. Do I not get any attempts at trying to lessen the damage...? 

#### ALEX

You can do an Acrobatics. What you can't do is you can't do Acrobatics whilst holding a disc with an unconscious person. 

#### BEN

How about Fortitudes save? 

#### ALEX

You may need to do that to stop yourself dying.

##### [MORBID SNICKERS]

I am just going to look up now the specifics of fall damage. 

#### BEN

So I'm the Cleric of channel energy. 

#### ALEX

It's been a while since I said it by the way -- a lot of the time, what we're doing is we're using the Pathfinder SRD, d20pfsrd.com, which is the open source for all of these rules, so you can follow it online. So I'm currently just looking up the environmental effect of falling.

##### [BEAT]

Yep. So you're going to be taking... technically, you're going to be taking 66 because you're trying to take his fall damage on top of your own. I can mediate that to a 5D6.

#### BEN

_(under Alex)_ That will straight-up kill me.

#### ALEX

You can't yet take in the jump. It is 1D6 per 10 feet fall, and it's just that the first D6 is ignored unless it is into a bigger fall.

##### [BEAT]

##### [TWO DECISIVE CLONKS]

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Yeah...

#### BEN

I move in... 

#### ALEX

So for the listeners, realising that he could be potentially losing more than three times his hit points in the fall...

#### BEN

_(resigned)_ Yeah.

#### ALEX

Yeah, little bit. I wasn't going to tell you no! But I was going to give you an out when I told you how much damage you would be taking.

#### BEN

Yeah, that's fair.

#### ALEX

Sasha! You're currently at the top of some crates seeing an enemy sneaking towards a door. 

##### [FIRE NOISES FADE TO BACKGROUND AGAIN]

#### LYDIA

If I was to try and jump from run to run, would that... is it plausible that I could... given that he's drawn it as very narrow alleys, and I've got quite a lot of Acrobatic skill, is the idea of doing those two jumps and then jumping down and stabbing him *in the head* a possibility? Or is that... 

#### ALEX

Nnnno. You could get *to* him. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

But you would not be able to get to him *and* do an attack. You could be directly *above* him. 

#### LYDIA

And -- would I still be sneaking? 

#### ALEX

It would be possible for you to both get to him and sneaking. You could not get to him and attack him, or get to him and sneak and attack.

You can get to him and you can do it sneakily, but that's as far as you can go. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, okay, I'm going to try and be positioned... there. That's my intention!

#### ALEX

First things first, then. 

#### LYDIA

Yep. 

#### ALEX

Give me two Acrobatics rolls. So first one...

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

_(pained)_ Ohh.

#### ALEX

What's your modifier, though, it's quite big. 

#### LYDIA

Seven, so that's 13. 

#### ALEX

That's fine. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. 

#### ALEX

And again.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

_(more pained)_ ...Nine. No, wait, wait. 10. 10. 

#### ALEX

Ten?

#### LYDIA

Yep. 

#### ALEX

You will make it to the other set of crates but you're no longer on top -- you basically landed in a sort of Climb stance. 

#### LYDIA

Okay. 

#### ALEX

So you are not going to be able to go further than that now.

#### LYDIA

That's fine.

#### ALEX

Give me a Stealth check to see whether he heard your faffing or not. You'll be taking a penalty for failing the second Acrobatics check.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Er, s --

#### ALEX

No, he doesn't hear that.

##### [LAUGHTER]

At level one, rolling a 17 plus your seven, you're well into the 20's. It's like watching someone throw silly putty at a window. It just... *pwook.*

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

Silently moulded to the surface! 

#### LYDIA

That's... but it ties in completely with the back story. I've been like... "no one can hear me!". 

#### ALEX

Okay. So fire spreads. _(whispering)_ Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire. We need to hurry up otherwise we're going to have three sessions of this combat basically.

Okay. Hamid, you're up.

##### [FIRE NOISES INCREASE]

##### [CLONKING OF MINIATURE]

You open the door. It's not locked and there are stairs leading up in a stone-lined passageway. I'm happy to just basically take you out of combat or... 

#### BRYN

I think that's best. I'm going to start calling for help as well. My thinking is that there might still be servants around in this section.

#### ALEX

Okay, cool. Good turn. Quick, simple.

##### [FIRE NOISES DECREASE]

That guy, the one that you're sneaking up after, he basically goes through the door unaware of you. You see him go through the door, leave it open and go to the *right.* 

#### LYDIA

Okay so I... 

#### ALEX

I wouldn't bother honestly. It's going to get more descriptive than needing to be on a battle map at this point. And Bertie...

##### [FIRE NOISES INCREASE]

#### JAMES

Hello! I think I continue to move with Byron and Colgate in the direction of... um, going back behind the stage and out as quickly as possible. 

#### ALEX

Mmhmm. That's fine. Zolf? I presume that you're carrying on with your moves? 

#### BEN

Yep. Which means I can do that...

##### [MINIATURE CLONKS] 

#### ALEX

Okay. And I'm now looking at this board, and what I'm seeing is: Hamid's out of the situation calling for help and help is coming. Zolf is outstripping fire which is spreading and making it to the stage... 

#### LYDIA

Only just! 

#### ALEX

As is Bertie with both Colgate and Byron. And Sasha is chasing a completely different part of the scenario. 

#### BEN

I take it this diplomat here has kind of --? 

#### ALEX

Yes, he's gone off. 

#### BRYN

The last thing I will do, just before I drop out of combat time, is cast Message. 

#### ALEX

Okay, who are you casting it to? 

#### BRYN

Bertie. He's the one I know best. 

#### ALEX

He's a person that you know. 

#### BRYN

It allows us to just talk to each other quickly. 

#### ALEX

So basically you have a walkie-talkie with Bertie? 

#### BRYN

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

Okay, go for it! 

#### HAMID

I've got out of the wine cellar underneath. I've got the French diplomat with me. How's everyone up there? 

#### BERTIE

Oh, couldn't be better. Lo -- lovely. No, we're in quite bad shape actually...

##### [UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]

It's really very bad, lot of fire... 

#### HAMID

Yes, I *was there* a second ago, I mean -- 

#### BERTIE

There's still fire! It's not gone anywhere. Yes, oh no, we have Byron who's in a very bad way, and Mr Colgate, and I believe Zolf is on the other side of the stage taking some foreign fellow... 

#### HAMID

Do you guys have a way out? 

#### BERTIE

I think we're going to the back of the stage, through there, I'm not sure. 

#### HAMID

Sasha headed out through the tunnel chasing the people who did this. I had to help the, er, the diplomat.

#### ALEX

Okay, you guys, I'm going to drop out of combat time now because you've pretty much got this scenario licked. And so, by the way, this counts as a high XP success for you guys. You rescued all the people that you were responsible to rescue, even when I thought you'd lost the Frenchman! And you're still in chase. So, yeah, that's a success.

You make it up on to the stage and there is, basically, a stage door. You manage to head out and the first thing that you encounter are a couple of servants carrying, like, buckets of sand and water...

#### LYDIA

_(laughing)_ That is *not enough* for that fire!

#### ALEX

Yeah, I know, right? Basically they help you out and they pull you into a side room. It looks to be some kind of basic dressing room. Nothing fancy.

They poke their heads in with their buckets, look at what is now a *blazing inferno* that's, you know, 50 feet across, rapidly go pale, close the door and start leading you out towards a different... basically outside of the grounds.

##### [FIRE NOISES FADE TO ALMOST NOTHING]

I am now going to cut to Sasha exclusively and then we'll reconvene with you guys afterwards. So you are chasing the... the one that got away, basically, and... 

#### LYDIA

Second one who got away.

#### ALEX

Second one who got away, true. So you are sneaking up on him. And if you'll wait with me one second, we're going to take a bit of a break and then we'll get back here in a couple of minutes. 

------

##### [AD BREAK]

------

#### ALEX

And... welcome back! So yes, Sasha, you are chasing one of the servants who's rapidly getting rid of his servant costume as he goes... a pair of, sort of pants, to the side, and something else. He's not trying to stay quiet. He's running and ditching stuff on the fly. 

#### LYDIA

Hot! 

##### [SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

So there is a naked arsonist! Ohhh, that's an episode title isn't it. 

#### ALL, TOGETHER

The Naked Arsonist.

##### [LYDIA CACKLES]

#### JAMES

It's not an episode title. That's a BBC2 pitch.

##### [MORE LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

I think it's more Channel 4. 

#### ALEX

It's kind of half, like, country comedy and half, like, really gritty crime drama. 

#### BEN

So you're saying *The Wire* crossed with *Emmerdale?*

#### JAMES

I reckon a *Midsomer Murders* spin-off. *Midsomer Arson.*

#### LYDIA

We're all old ladies.

#### ALEX

So you're chasing one of the servants. 

#### LYDIA

Yep.

#### ALEX

And he is basically, it's gone into what looks like another storage room, quite generic. 

#### LYDIA

Right. 

#### ALEX

And he's running off to the right-hand side, straight towards another blown hole in the wall. 

#### LYDIA

Is it just me...

#### ALEX

Yeah, they've... 

#### LYDIA

They've blown a lot of holes in walls. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, and he's powering towards that. Sort of describe in more general details what you're doing rather than just... 

#### LYDIA

So right now I'm holding on to, essentially, the top of the bookshelf, which is 20 feet high and I'm only 5 foot. So, realising that he's dashed through that door, I will drop down to the ground and go around the bookcase rather than hauling myself up. And yeah, like sneakily put my head around the corner, because I guess that I wouldn't be able to see him blatantly across that run until I'd seen him go. And then again, yeah, sneak over to the hole.

I'm quite... my plan right now is not to engage. So I am Perception checking whenever I have the opportunity. 

#### ALEX

Sure. Actually, give me another Perception check.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Er... 21.

#### ALEX

21, yeah, solid. So you see him picking his way across the wall, which was clearly blown inwards, by the way. So they didn't blow in from that building. They've blown in from another one, gone through potentially a second building. Or the first one, it's hard to tell if you've left the townhouse, sort of compound.

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

But what you do see is, the first one who had left with the folder? Sort of pokes his head out and gestures to the first guy, and then the first guy steps through. 

#### LYDIA

Right, so I cross that room and... 

#### ALEX

And go to the... 

#### LYDIA

Go to the hole. But I'm listening again, to sort of check that -- I want to know if there is anyone around that corner before I go through it. 

#### ALEX

As you are stepping closer, and listening out, you hear, _(long hissing)_ *sssssss.*

#### LYDIA

Aw. Okay, I *run back to...* 

#### ALEX

*SssssSSSS!* And there's a big boom.

##### [ROLLING BOOM]

Give me a Reflex save.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### LYDIA

Er, 12, plus... what do I use for a Reflex save?

#### ALEX

It's actually its own thing, so it will be up here and at the top... 

#### LYDIA

Okay, that's fine. 

#### ALEX

...which should be massive for you. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah, 5, so 5 plus 12, 17. 

#### ALEX

17, yeah. 

#### LYDIA

Do I crouch out the way? 

#### ALEX

Yeah, there is... now there's another explosion -- _(makes smaller exploding sound)_ 

#### LYDIA

Yep. 

#### ALEX

And pieces of shrapnel flying past you. 

#### LYDIA

Jump, dodge, dodge, kick, spin!

#### ALEX

Yeah! Just crazy. And...

#### LYDIA

Walk away on my hands!

##### [UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Making tea with my feet whilst I do it!

Basically what looks like the piece of flooring that was holding up that hole, just collapses down --

##### [SFX OF LONG HISSING EXPLOSION]

##### [DRIPPING SOUNDS OF WATER]

Bringing a chunk of ceiling with it, and then it's sealed the tunnel that he ducked out through. You're kind of wafting dust out of your face. It's hard to see what's going on. And then basically it seems like... it wasn't a very big explosion, but the guy who made it out first has clearly been... blowing... maybe blowing an alternate route or something... 

#### LYDIA

Oh my gosh! 

#### ALEX

...and rigged this so that when they came through so he could close it behind him. 

#### LYDIA

Right, okay. Is it still me? 

#### ALEX

I'm going to stick with you.

#### LYDIA

Okay! If you've given me the scene, is this quite a shallow kind of basement room? I don't know. 

#### ALEX

Yes, this is... 

#### LYDIA

Is there a way for me to climb up? 

#### ALEX

Honestly this is now just a standard ceiling room. You've gone from the big, tall cellar with the crates --

#### LYDIA

Yeah. 

#### ALEX

-- to a much lower one. It appears to be an empty cellar, it doesn't even appear to have any storage. It's a little bit damp and manky.

And there is on your right-hand side, is where you've just dodged from the explosion and the ceiling's caved in a bit. The rest of it actually seems quite hardy, it doesn't seem too bad. But what you do see is, at the... like ahead of you, dead ahead, are a set of stairs without a railing. Not particularly far like, just standard cellar stairs leading to a trap door. 

#### LYDIA

_(deliberating)_ Mm... Ah, since I know this place is on fricking fire... that is -- going back the way I came is not a *great* option. I'm going to go up those stairs. And yeah... I'm going to try and look quiet and unthreatening.

#### ALEX

Okay. 

#### LYDIA

Given that I think this is probably just normal people's houses... 

#### ALEX

Sure. 

#### LYDIA

Can't emerge from nowhere.

#### ALEX

So you are heading upstairs, and you open the trapdoor, and we'll cut across to you guys.

##### [VERY FAINT FIRE SOUNDS COME BACK IN]

So yeah, you're led out onto the grounds out front and... 

#### BEN

First thing I actually do is check the people who I'm with over to make sure none of them are bleeding out, and... _(unsure)_ are any of them? 

#### ALEX

No.

#### BEN

Brilliant.

#### ALEX

The... Byron is KO'd but was stabilised by Colgate. 

#### BEN

Then I will burn Sanctuary to do a Cure Light Wounds on Byron. Score some brownie points for a rich, drunk lord!

#### ALEX

Okay. Basically, he's healed up and the first thing he sees is you looking down on him. The awkward thing is that Cure Light Wounds will not stop him being drunk.

#### BEN

That -- yeah? 

#### ALEX

He's *very* drunk. Like slurring drunk. Like, _(makes incomprehensible noises)_ He clearly was pretty much falling asleep during the auction, it's apparent. *But* he appears to at least register you there and gives you a sort of clap on the face, and then kind of... subsides again. Not KO'd, like unconscious, but is the difference between... I don't know if you've ever seen it in real life -- 

#### BEN

Yeah, yeah. 

#### ALEX

-- it's the difference between sleeping and unconscious? Once you've seen it, it's really obvious. It's like that muscle difference. 

#### BEN

I'll turn to Colgate and go,

#### ZOLF

He should be alright now.

#### ALEX (COLGATE)

Yes, he'll be fine. Thank you -- very much. I don't know who you are. _(quieter)_ Thank you.

#### ZOLF

Zolf.

#### BRYN

These other two could probably use some administrations as well. 

#### BEN

Broken-legs diplomat. He gets Summon Monster into a Cure Light Wounds. 

#### ALEX

So explain what he's doing...what Ben's doing by the way. It's one of the things that the Clerics have, is that they can prepare a bunch of spells for the day. But the thing that makes Clerics kind of better than some of the classes when it comes to support, is that any point they can just go, "As useful as it would be to summon a monster, eh! I'm going to use that to heal instead." And it's sort of like, you're using the energy or the... I suppose it's about the... like the deific favour. You're using it for something else, i.e. healing.

#### BRYN

And then there's the unconscious one?

#### BEN

Yes. Um...

#### ALEX

So the one with the broken legs, your healing won't restore their legs. You're basically restoring everything else but he doesn't regain mobility. There's different spells for that, basically... 

#### BEN

That's fine and... 

#### ALEX

But they're perky, just with broken legs. 

#### BEN

I will also be using my mundane Heal to splint up their legs as best I can. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, sure. Give me a Heal check for that.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### BEN

That is 23. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, you do a really solid job. In fact, I'm going to allow you... there's a moment where... roleplay it -- you get to rebreak one of them into a straight because it's quite badly done. You get to do the _(makes a cracking sound)_ and that will be better. 

##### [DIPLOMAT MAKES PAINED NOISES]

#### ZOLF

So just calm down, this is going to hurt but it will be better in the long run, okay?

##### [DIPLOMAT MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLE WORDS]

#### BRYN

I'll be reassuring him in French as well. I'll be translating. 

#### ZOLF

On *trois,* yeah? *Un. Deux. Trois.*

##### [PAINFUL CRACKING NOISE]

##### [THE DIPLOMAT SCREAMS]

#### ALEX

He passes out again. 

#### BEN

And then splint up. 

#### ALEX

Sure. 

#### HAMID

We should go and try and find Sasha. 

#### BERTIE

Well, she went down...

#### HAMID

Well she would have headed north. 

#### ZOLF

Maybe the guards would have seen something, if they've got patrols. 

##### [BEAT]

#### HAMID

Okay?

##### [A FEW SNICKERS]

Let's... let's... we'll have to keep the street level I guess. But, you know she could be anywhere, but if we can find her, she might need help. 

#### ALEX

So I'll give you a visual description, and then jump back to Sasha. So, you're sort of in a back garden basically for this building, and looking out you can see plumes of smoke going up. It's clear that like the building is going up. And it's a central city building so, a) it's very expensive, and b) lots of people don't want that to happen!

You can hear screams and cries from the crowd. You don't know if they're actually being directly affected or if it's just, you know, crowds being crowds. But clearly, a large crowd is going to make it hard for any kind of fire crews to make it in time to really save anything. Cutting back to Sasha...

##### [FIRE NOISES DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY]

#### LYDIA

Popped my head up through that trapdoor -- 

#### ALEX

You opened the trap -- 

#### LYDIA

Oh yeah! *Opened* the trap. Didn't pop my head up because I'm a wise... 

#### ALEX

You're clever. 

#### LYDIA

Ex-... *antique appraiser.*

##### [A FEW SNICKERS]

#### ALEX

You open the trap door and see a pair of polished heels, and like a suit trousers, and what looks like the back of a shop counter. Like you've come up behind -- you've not poked your head, you're just sort of looking up, and yeah, you see the heels of someone who looks comparatively well-to-do, unaware that the trap door behind them is open. 

#### SASHA

Right. _(very awkwardly)_ Hey mate, there's a fire... 

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

_(jumping out of their skin)_ *Oh!* Oh, oh, oh... goodness me. Oh. Hello --

#### SASHA

Sorry. There's a fire. You should probably get out because Edison's manor is on fire. I just... 

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

*What?!*

#### SASHA

I've just managed to climb through. 

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

Oh! Goodness, are you okay? 

#### LYDIA

I somehow sound Australian. I don't know why!

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

Are you okay?

#### JAMES

You're coming from down under!

#### LYDIA

I'm like,

#### SASHA

I'm fine --

#### LYDIA

_(realising)_ Oh God.

#### ALEX

*James!*

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### LYDIA

Do I take a wound from that?!

#### ALEX

I'm pretty certain Bertie is going to be taking Psychic Damage very soon with more of these puns! 

#### SASHA

Yeah, no, I'm fine but you should be proper careful because there's... there's... can you see? It must be just down the street. Cos I've only come through one basement. 

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

Oh goodness me... so is there a fire in my basement? 

#### SASHA

No, no, no. There's one in your neighbour's house.

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

_(clearly panicking)_ Oh! Right. Oh, come with me. Come with me, quickly. Quickly. Oh goodness me!

#### ALEX

He sorts of bats the trap door down and he comes out round the front of the counter and he's... you're clearly in a very, *very* up-market ...what's it called? People who make suits? 

#### JAMES & BEN

Tailor?

#### ALEX

Tailor! Thank you. You're clearly in a very up-market tailor's. There's sort of half-made suits and a couple of very artfully done mannequins. And the guys are being quite fey about it, like very, very, very delicate and fashionable. There's lots of ruffs and big puffy cravats and things. And he's sort of running "Oh goodness me, oh goodness me." Opens the door for you, ushers you through.

##### [NOISES OF BUSTLING MARKETPLACE FADE IN]

Closes it and about to run off... runs back, plucks out from his sort of hankie sleeve, a key, and locks his front door.

##### [LYDIA SNICKERS]

And then runs off with you to the crowd. 

#### LYDIA

Yeah. So he can see -- so are we like two doors down?

#### ALEX

Yeah, you're basically... 

#### LYDIA

Sorry, I need to not sound like Sasha, who is actually my drunk voice.

##### [CACKLING FROM PLAYERS]

So yes, we're out of character, we're two doors down, are we? Right, okay. 

#### ALEX

Oh, yes we are, yes we are. Yeah, you're basically a few doors down... 

#### SASHA

Cheers mate, look, I've got to go find my friends. 

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

Right! Yes! Thank you! Um --

#### SASHA

You might want to, like, take your stock somewhere safe. 

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

_(clearly had not considered this)_ *Ah!* Yes! Um -- *ahh!!* 

#### SASHA

_(flat)_ You're welcome.

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

He turns around.

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

Thank you. Thank you. 

#### SASHA

That's fine. Don't need any --

#### ALEX (WELL-TO-DO PERSON)

I'm sure I've got a copper on me. 

#### SASHA

Thanks. 

#### ALEX

He literally hands over like a few coppers. 

#### SASHA

_(incredibly flat)_ Thanks for the copper, mate.

#### ALEX

And then _(laughing)_ he just runs off back to his shop, faffs to get the key, opens it, and goes in... And you see him like through the shop window picking up random plucks of cloth, holding it, dropping it, changing what he's doing, and just faffing. Just *faffing enormously.*

And it's quite clear from where you're stood though that whilst the... whilst the Edison house is ablaze, it's... it's sort of marked by -- there is an alleyway between his shop. And it's like, the fire is not going to be jumping across. 

#### LYDIA

He hasn't noticed that I must have gone through more than one cellar, then? 

#### ALEX

No, no. He's basically just heard "there's a fire next door," and he's gone *ahh!* and... 

#### LYDIA

I think I used an entire move thing to *roll my eyes at him.*

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### ALEX

Okay, so we cut back to you guys in the garden with the thing going aflame and Zolf has just done all of his healing. What happens? 

#### ZOLF

Right. So.

#### HAMID

We're not going to find Sasha? 

##### [BEAT]

#### ZOLF

*Yes,* we should -- yeah, we should find her. 

#### HAMID

She went north. I'll... why don't you stay here with the injured. If I take that street and you take that street, we can come back here if one of us finds her. 

#### ZOLF

I'll see if I can find the sergeant and see if we can get some other people out there before the... 

#### HAMID

That's a good idea. 

#### ZOLF

-- _(inaudible)_ falls in. 

#### BERTIE

Very well, gentlemen! 

#### JAMES

And we proceed in various directions. 

#### ALEX

I'll fluff this a bit. Obviously I'm assuming that you're going to be heading back to... 

#### LYDIA

The front door. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, sure. Let's... plucking out of a hat. Bertie happens to be heading to the front door, with Hamid heading sort of due north. So heading more, sort of via back gardens and so on. And then Zolf is sort of circling around. So Bertie is the first one to see Sasha working her way through...

#### LYDIA

Wait, wait! *Does* he see me?

#### JAMES

Mm!

#### ALEX

I might get a Perception check because there's a big, panicked crowd.

##### [DICE ROLLS]

#### JAMES

Eight. Minus 1 is 7. 

#### ALEX

You're *so bad at this!*

##### [LAUGHTER]

#### JAMES

_(as Bertie)_ Ah! You're a *woman?*

#### ALEX

Bertie doesn't see *anything!* But you are working your way through a crowd, who are -- rushing in the opposite direction, funnily enough. 

#### LYDIA

I do have Crowd Dodging. 

#### ALEX

Yeah, genuinely you would normally only be getting people to sort of make some rolls to see if it slows them down, but it's literally your *thing.* You're moving through and you're getting through to the front gate which is ajar. Funnily enough, no one is trying to get to the house anymore. The front is still okay, and the left-hand side is alright, but the right-hand side is ablaze and because it was the side was nearest the street that was sort of on fire, like, the front half of it is aflame. And in order to get to her, Bertie will have been shielding himself with his shield against the fire to come back round to the front. 

#### LYDIA

Right, so *he's* heading towards the fire. 

#### ALEX

So he's -- no, he... 

#### LYDIA

I'm coming up behind him? 

#### ALEX

So he's come round the fire, on the outside, and has basically come to the front gate. You are on the crowd side of the front gate, working your way to the front gate. And he's just sort of stood there, looking, going, _(in a mutter)_ "Goodness me that's a lot of people."

##### [A FEW SNICKERS]

And taking a moment to go "is that Sasha." Looks like three minutes. *No!*

##### [LAUGHTER] 

#### LYDIA

"Perception check! No. That's a man! No, that's a night elf!"

#### JAMES

"That's three small children in an overcoat!"

#### ALEX

So basically, he's on you. If you choose to approach him, it's fine. If you choose to disappear forever, he will never know. 

#### LYDIA

I'd just... I'd stand right next to him and then I'm peering into the crowd trying to work out what he's looking at.

##### [UPROAR OF CACKLING]

What? 

#### ALEX

I'm going to get you guys to roleplay this by the way. 

#### BERTIE

_(calling out)_ Woman? Woman! Woman? Stealthy Woman! 

#### LYDIA

There isn't much for me to roleplay because I'm just standing there quietly. Like looking around, and like -- "what woman, mate? What are you looking..."

#### JAMES

I'm just bellowing over heads.

#### BERTIE

Stealthy Woman! Oh! There you are, hello. 

#### SASHA

What -- what woman are you looking for? 

#### BERTIE

You!

#### SASHA

Oh. 

#### BERTIE

-- Probably. Yes -- *yes.* It *is* you!

##### [ALEX ERUPTS INTO LAUGHTER]

Well done! 

#### SASHA

Where's -- where's your mate? 

#### BERTIE

Oh, he went the other way looking for you. 

#### SASHA

Right, okay. Anyway, you can contact him. Maybe a magical one? 

#### ALEX

You still have the walkie-talkie being active. 

#### BERTIE

Hamid. Hamid. Hamid -- found her! 

##### [PLAYERS CACKLE]

#### ALEX

To spell out for listeners! The way that James simulates being magically connected with Hamid, is putting his hand to his ear like he's a secret service agent!

##### [MORE CACKLING]

_(as Bertie)_ "Watcha welco, it's Bertie here! Bertie! *All boys are fly!"*

#### JAMES

That's actually my character attempting to find his own ear.

##### [EVEN MORE CACKLING]

Gives himself a challenge! Yes.

#### HAMID

Okay, we'll meet back where Zolf was then. Where the injured people are.

#### BERTIE

Very well!

#### HAMID

Figure out what we do next. 

#### ALEX

Okay. 

#### BEN

I'm trying to find Sergeant Haringay.

#### ALEX

Sure. So we'll say that you basically run into Haringay almost immediately. He was... he had the sense to know there was an alternate exit. 

#### ZOLF

_(stumbling over his own words in slight panic)_ There are still people in there and they're in the wine cellar, and the floor might be caving in soon. I think there are some people who... 

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

I know who there is to find. We've got it covered. I've got a few guys in there already. You -- in the nicest way possible, stay out.

#### ZOLF

Yeah. Yeah.

#### ALEX (HARINGAY)

You're more useful to me healing people than anything else. Where's the rest of your group? 

#### ZOLF

They've gone looking for each other. We're going to meet back at the house. 

#### ALEX

As you say that, basically everyone happens to be convening on that position. 

#### ZOLF

Oh. They're there.

##### [ALEX SNICKERS SLIGHTLY]

#### BERTIE

Hello!

#### ZOLF

That's your ear. 

#### BERTIE

That is my ear! 

#### ALEX

I'm going to call it at that, cos I think we're out of time. 

#### HAMID

I hope we get paid extra for that level of danger, Zolf!

##### [ALEX CACKLES]

#### BRYN

I *smile winningly.* 

#### ALEX

Okay, I'm going to call it at that. So... 

##### [SFX OF FIRE FADES ENTIRELY]

#### BEN

Can we all just turn to the camera and just... shrug?

##### [LAUGHTER]

*Wop-wop!*

#### LYDIA

_(sadly)_ I didn't even steal anything.

#### ALEX

I'm so sorry... 

#### BEN

You're reformed.

#### LYDIA

Mm.

#### ALEX

There will be chances, I promise.

#### BEN

You did stab people. 

#### LYDIA

Failed to stab everyone!

#### JAMES

I wouldn't've noticed if you had! 

#### LYDIA

I'm trying to stab a lot of people. 

#### BEN

People were unaware of you. 

#### LYDIA

I jumped on people from a great height and still missed! 

#### ALEX

Practice. Practice makes perfect.

Well, I think we're going to have to wrap up this episode of The Naked Arsonist, Rusty Quill Gaming. But again. Thanks for listening. This was a fun one. I quite liked this one. And we'll see you all again next week. So, that's goodbye from me...

#### LYDIA

And all of us. 

#### JAMES(?)

Goodbye from *us.* 

#### ALEX

Aww. Right. Bye all. 

#### ALL

Bye.

#### BRYN(?)

_(ominous)_ Fare thee well.

##### [LAUGHTER]

##### [Show theme - outro]

#### ALEX

*Rusty Quill Gaming* is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today's episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening. 

------

#### ALEX

_(laughing)_ I genuinely need to check. 

#### LYDIA

The question is whether he can walk faster than the fire spreads! 

##### [UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]

#### BEN

I can move at double the speed of fire, I'll have you know! 

------

#### BEN

We were helping the civilians! 

#### LYDIA

Thanks for having my back. Thought I joined this gang so someone had my back. _(dejected)_ But no. 

#### BEN

_(indignant)_ You ran off -- but we were helping civilians!

#### JAMES

If you take your back very far away quite quickly, it's harder to watch it, particularly when I have minus 1 to Perception.

------

#### JAMES

I have a theory with Bertie, and the fact that he failed all these Perception checks, because he's got his helmet on the wrong way. I think he's actually a plain *nightmare* with a cane!

##### [CACKLING]

#### BEN

Wait. So can we stand at the back of a room and just go, "Forward 1. Turn left. There's an old woman in front of you."

#### JAMES

"The other left. The *other* left!"

#### BEN

She's offering you an apple...