01/12/2017 18:28:25 ¶ ●

## Episode 119 - eGemony, Part 3: "Love, Among Other Things, Is All You Need"

The captain has turned off the seatbelt signs, and –has- turned on the ceaseless anxiety signs.
Feel free to brood about the cabin.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Welcome, listeners. We have a new sponsor. Our show is now sponsored by – love. Uh definitely consider love when wanting to buy things, because… love conquers all, makes the world go round, and is all you need. This has been a message from love, conqueror of our former sponsor, money. It’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru. [awkward chuckle]

OK, I have returned from the distant cavelands of the Baristas, an arduous journey made easier by it being pretty much downhill for the whole mile and a half. While I was there, I learned that the dreaded eGemony corporate prize contest and sweepstakes buzz marketing street team long ago became baristas. Distributing Night Vale’s case of Canadian Club to the citizens of Night Vale itself, meaning that Night Vale has been consuming its own soul, thus making us an ouroboros of our own selves. I returned because I knew that the best way to fight against eGemony’s attempts to drink Night Vale’s soul – was science. And I’m very into science. Or at least I’m very into someone who is very into science.

Once a year, all the scientists in the world gather in Luzerne, Switzerland, to calibrate their instruments to the length of Carlos’ hair. That appraisal is occurring right now, so of course, Carlos isn’t in town. Um, I’m on my own. Because the cause of science is important, but so is defending Night Vale, and one of the best parts about being in a couple is that when each of you is good at one thing, it’s like the couple is good at two things. This message was brought to you by – love. It turns out. Huh.

More of my plans to defeat eGemony as I desperately figure out what they are. But first, some local news.

Night Vale Community College announced its new slate of winter semester continuing education course. Introduction to Gibbering, Conversational Gibbering, Intermediate Gibbering, Advanced Gibbering, and Ikebana – the Japanese Art of Flower Arrangement.

Community college professor Adriano Copiello, who teaches French Gibbering said, “Ouvrez vos livres à page 3 et criez avant de vous faire bouffer” (Open your books to page 3 and scream before getting devoured)*. Professor Copiello, once considered a failure in his field, has developed what he calls a “charisma ray”, and now everyone thinks he’s A-OK, an exciting thinker and excellent dancer, and an entirely inadequate human being. When asked for comment, Professor Copiello responded by listing everything he could think of that was not a type of gum. By the time he finished, his charisma ray had worn off, and everyone realized Professor Copiello is in fact a terrible person, who attemps to court the friendship of students whose attractive naïveté is subverted, ironically, by how they gradually accumulate the tools of critical analysis in his classes. Meaning they apply what he himself taught them to judge him harshly, ultimately growing to resent his falseness, thus leaving his charisma ray utterly useless in the face of a culturally awakened classroom.
Professor Copiello denied this by stringing together a bunch of French verbs related to the behaviors of aquatic animals. Those interested in continuing education should read a book for once.

OK, so earlier this morning, I walked across the street to get a two-pound bag of kiwis at Ralph’s, and had the most remarkable experience. Well, first I passed the same barista I always pass along the way, the one at the abattoire. But this time she gave me a friendly wink of recognition. And then another barista, the one in the produce aisle, he scalded my face with steam and said my mother was soo pungent, people thought she was an unroasted Sumerian bean, and I have never felt so welcome.

But the amazing thing was when I tried to pay for my fruit, the cashier said: “Don’t you love kiwis?” And I said I did and he said: “I love them too, and I love working here. So take the kiwis! Your love is your payment.” So I took the kiwis and later shared them with my brother-in-law, Steve Carlsberg, who said: “I love these!” Then he added: “I love you, brother!” and I nodded.

It seems that Night Vale is now a love-based economy. Oh, wait. This just in. Ralph’s would like to explain that the cashier made a mistake. It’s perfectly fine that he loves working there, and that I love the kiwis, but I do still have to pay for them. That makes more sense. But I’m a little disappointed. Still, because of the incredibly effective new sponsorship of our program, love is definitely in the air in Night Vale.

At Dark Owl Records, there is now a loudspeaker outside and store owner Michelle Nguyen is publicly playing the records she loves the most. Something she has never done. These albums aren’t vinyl but discs made of chalkboard slate, being spun underneath a needle and amplified through an outdoor speaker system. People who were strangers only moments ago are gazing into each other’s eyes with looks of admiration and hunger. That made it awkward to spy on them. Not impossible, of course, just awkward. Which has caused several members of the Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency, who sit outside our homes in dark sedans, to step out of their cars and offer hugs to anyone who would like to have a hug placed on their permanent record.

There are reports of unidentified citizens running by fountains, waving flowers and balloons and handing out otters. The Sheriff’s Secret Police have replaced their patrol car sirens with Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You”. The hooded figures who stand in and around the forbidden Dog Park are still terrifying to look at, or even think about. But one of them is waving. That’s probably the most expressive form of love that they have.

Love is everywhere. But also there has been a subtle shift. As love has become more prevalent, its value has decreased significantly. The angel who is definitely former billionaire Marcus Vanston, who is now named Erika, said that they have drawn on a cocktail napkin an economic model for supplizied feelings, where those with the most feelings will them trickle down the love to those with the least.

Even here in our radio studio, I am feeling such love for you, right now. Listener, I love – this microphone. Aand this cable. And the mixing board! I love these blinking phone lines, oh! You know, maybe we should take some calls. Um hi, this is Cecil, you’re on the air.

Anonymous caller: I love you.

Cecil: Awww, I love you too! Next caller, you’re on the air with Cecil Palmer.

Same anon caller: I love you.

Cecil: Did you just call from the other line?

Anon caller: Oh uh, no. [lowers voice] I hmm, I love you.

Cecil: Ah, my mistake. You know, I love our community. Our Mayor, our angels, and even – our weather.

Anon caller: [whispers] I love you!

[“Turn Into It” by Jamey Browning]

Listeners, I would like to thank our newest sponsors, love, for bringing us today’s show. But in all of my loving clamor, I lost sight of what was truly at stake. Our newest intern, Blake, brought back a familiar guest into our studio, thus reminding me of it. Blake then tried to use the three-hole punch without reading the safety manual first. Oh, quick aside: to the family of intern Blake, he was a reckless intern, and he will be missed.

But now, we welcome back to the radio station, Hugh Jackman of eGemony. Hugh, I’ve done some investigative journalism, and I’m going to have to ask you the tough questions. First, I know that you’re here to claim the case of Canadian Club, right?

Hugh Jackman: Oh no, don’t worry about that.

Cecil: Well I am worried about that, among the many different things I worry about. You were coming back to get the case, you wanted me to look under my desk and…

Hugh: Not anymore, that’s OK.

Cecil: But the Barista King said…

Hugh: Cecil, I know about the baristas. I know about how Night Vale drank its own soul.

Cecil: Oh. So does that mean that eGenomy is going to, I dunno, just leave us alone then?

Hugh: Funny you should say that. When I followed you to the baristas…

Cecil: You followed me?

Hugh: Sure. [chuckles] I was the one with the Admiral Tippet sideburns!

Cecil: Oh my god that was you? Those were so good!

Hugh: [laughs] Thank you, that took me hours to grow them. Anyway, after all that I was planning on telling my team leaders at eGemony we were too late and to abandon our plans.

Cecil: Whew! Well that’s good.

Hugh: And to buy all of Night Vale to help with eGemony’s debt acquisition.

Cecil: Oh, well that’s bad.

Hugh: There’s a glitch. I’ve fallen in love.

Cecil: Pardon?

Hugh: eGemony has highly secure communications, corporate demands that we only send messages on postcards from lakeside resorts…Oh, I shouldn’t have said that out loud. Siri, remind me to prostrate myself before HR at 4 PM today. [Siri sound] Anyway, I was at the post office standing in line behind – well, it was the strangest thing, you’ll never guess, I was standing in line behind…

Cecil: A dog with a man’s head, yeah, that guy’s always there.

Hugh: Um, spoiler! We don’t have quite so many folks like that back at the office, and it made me pay closer attention to – everything around me. The first thing I noticed was this particular post office was selling stamps. Then I noticed the stamps had no denomination on them, just the word “FOREVER”. I’ve worked in retail before, put myself through high school operating (–) [0:15:34] that sold decorative soaps and customers there, as you might well guess, can be mean or even cruel, saying things like, “Do you have anything vanilla-scented” or um, they’d also say things like, “I’d like to buy some soap.” It was awful! So I am always extraordinarily polite to clerks, sometimes even flirtatious. And when I got to the head of the line at the post office, I winked at the clerk, and seven of her eight eyes winked back, and then I said: “Forever stamps? That’s quite a promise.” And you know what she said?

Cecil: No.

Hugh: Nothing. It turns out she was a spider and didn’t care what I thought, but Cecil, it was the way she didn’t care! I had a (Mackinac) Island postcard to mail, and it was important because it’s my report back about how we’re going subsume Night Vale.

Cecil: OK, see this is what I was getting at.

Hugh: And I realized that she probably sent a dozen (Mackinac) Island postcards that day and mine was no different. She asked me if anything in my envelope was liquid, hazardous, insidious, shameful, or emotionally fragile and I said: “No more so than my heart.” And then a mosquito hawk got caught in her web and she raced over to wrap it into webbing and then dissolved its body with her venom so she could later drink its liquid corpse like a child with a juice box.

Cecil: Awwwwww!

Hugh: I know, it was so sweet! Now, I am not a poetic man, Cecil, but I was inspired. Have you noticed that love seems to be in the air right now? Like that Mariah Carey song: “I had a vision of love and it was this crazy dream where I was in a park, and trees were made entirely out of recycled aluminum cans, and you were there but you looked just like me, only with a nose bleed.”

Cecil: Oh, I love that song! My husband and I danced to that at our wedding!

Hugh: Anyway, I was close enough to smell her perfume and, well, I asked if I could have a book of the “Forever” stamps, and she asked which kind. And I said: [flirtily] “The Wonder Woman stamps”, and she said that they were out of them, so I said because I’ve worked in retail before, and I try to feel like all of us are in this together, that I was feeling shortchanged by the whole “Forever” business then. And I said it with a frown on my lips, but a smile in my eyes. Like this? See?

Cecil: Uh yes, please stop.

Hugh: Cecil, she handed me back my change and said: “Next human entity in line.” And I [voice breaks] love her, I love Night Vale, so I’m staying here until she loves me too.

Cecil: Wait, what?!

Hugh: See, Night Vale is in my heart now, and it’s in eGemony’s heart. We want to pivet our company mission, see. We don’t want to drink Night Vale’s soul, we want to cross-pollenate our startup model with Night Vale’s greatest asset: love. We want to take all of this love, such [chuckling] great content by the way, and program it into an app that users can just access from anywhere. I can get our street teams on this right now, to inspire the dreamfluencers to talk about love, it’s your station’s new sponsor, right? So let’s (value add) social media platform to..

Cecil: Oh look, it’s right here! It was under my desk after all.

Hugh: Sorry what?

Cecil: The case of whiskey. Yup, here it is! Look at it.

Hugh: I don’t understand…

Cecil: Open it.

Hugh: It’s a cardboard box with the Canadian Club logo on the side. There’s bottles of Canadian Club here, but I don’t get it, the town and the former street team drank this long ago. How was it under your desk?

Cecil: Um, have you ever heard of – science?

Hugh: I’ve watched a TED Talk, I know everything about science.

Cecil: Well there’s this thought experiment where a cat is in a box, but it’s unknown whether the cat is alive and peacefully sleeping, or in fact, alive and just clawing and vomiting on everything because, well, it’s a cat. Since both things could be true, both things are true.

Hugh: This isn’t sounding familiar.

Cecil: Well, your husband clearly isn’t a scientist.

Hugh: But how is it even possible?

Cecil: Hey, with love and science, anything is possible! Now go drink your whiskey.

Hugh: I… guess I completed my goals here then, and this fulfills my obligation to my lawyer, and I won’t be staying Night Vale to pursue my true love.

Cecil: Awwwwww. You need help carrying that to your car? Our newest intern, (Makani), can help you. Hey (Makani)!

Hugh: Is this for real? Wow! You’d think fulfilling a quest of 40 years like that would be an incredible feeling but – this is slightly disappointing.

Cecil: Mm. The realest thing is disappointment. Bye now!

OK, listeners. Mr Jackman is gone. So I can tell you how I managed this. I bought a new case of Canadian Club at the Ralph’s by using – money. [chuckles] Yeah, please welcome back a classic sponsor to the show – money. Money – it fixes all your problems. There are no drawbacks to acquiring it or using it to change the destiny of others. [very fast] Corruption, organized crime and economic inequality may occur. Ask your doctor if you can afford even a routine checkup.

So listeners, that’s all for our show tonight. Oh! I have just gotten a text from Lucerne and yes, all of the scientific instruments in the world are set properly. And all measuring will occur with precise – precision. Because of my husband, who is coming home. And he’s bringing fancy Swiss chocolate, the kind with a little flex of salmon skin? Awwwww! That’s so sweet!

OK, I know money is sponsoring this show, but just for a moment, I have to put a word in for love. Love – is pretty good! OK, done. Money – it momentarily defers desolation.

Stay tuned next for our exciting new game show, “What’s in the box? No, what’s in the f[bleep]ing box?”

And as always,
Good night,
Night Vale,
Good night.

Today’s proverb: For softer bones and a tenuous smile, drink malk. Got malk? It’s here. Drink it. [sped up voice] Drink it!
Drink this myilk, mm, maalmk.
[sped up voice] Drink it!

* Thanks to everyone who helped me out. It seems like there might be (intentional?) mispronunciation of words, but the translation above makes the most sense.

15/12/2017 20:40:13 ¶ ●

## 120 - All Smiles’ Eve

Kevin: How do I love thee? Let me count your teeth.

Happy All Smiles’ Eve, Desert Bluffs!

[Desert Bluffs theme]

Kevin: Hi listeners! It’s Kevin!

Lauren: And Lauren!

Kevin: We hope you’re all having the smilingest All Smiles’ Eve you could have ever wished for.

Lauren: Desert Bluffs 2, welcome to our holiday show, where we re-tell classic story of All Smiles’ Eve.

Kevin: [excited noise] We’ll also have great last minute gift ideas and cooking tips! But first, let’s have a look around town to see how people are celebrating this most wonderful of holidays.

Lauren: Of course, our old city of Desert Bluffs is no more. It’s been swallowed up by the town of Night Vale, but we found a new home here in the Desert Otherworld!

Kevin: We’re broadcasting now from the scenic lighthouse atop a tall mountain. Looking out over endless, sand-covered nothingness.

Lauren: I like the sand. It’s my favorite part of living here.

Kevin: I like the nothingness.

Lauren: It really clears the mind. But there are moments of something-ness. And there are beautiful displays of lights and crafts. Oh, Frank Donnelly, who lives atop the northwest bluff, has strung up a series of colorful gasoline canisters over his storefront, where he sells tarantula parts. At dusk, he sets each can on fire, and the burning plastic just melts away spilling down on the people below. [chuckles] Alejandra Salazar, who lives in a cave just to the south base of this mountain, has painted lips and teeth around the entrance to her home! [chuckles] And my favorite holiday decoration this year is (Kunit Jindal’s) smile tree.

Kevin: Ohh!

Lauren: Mm hm, she’s built a 20-foot tall cactus out of human teeth! [chuckles] She even used coyote skins turned inside out to look like flowers.

Kevin: [moved] Ah, I love people’s creativity this time of year! It’s so fun to walk around town and see the night lit up with seasonal joy. To smell the burning petroleum products, to hear the screams and feel the warm fire in the cool dry air.

Lauren: You truly do love the holidays.

Kevin: [coos] Lauren, I think it’s time to tell the story of All Smiles’ Eve!

Lauren: Ye-he-hee, let’s go!

Kevin: Once, there was a family, the Goods, who lived in the desert. Two mothers, a father, a daughter, a son, three dogs, the front half of a cat and a very long house. They were a happy family, but no one knew it. People would often say to them, “You’d be so happy if you just smiled,” but the Good family would always say “We are smiling, we are happy!” It’s just that no one could see their smiles. Their faces always remained in a neutral state. Even the Good family couldn’t tell when each other were smiling. Each one thought the other was unhappy, because none of them had a visible smile. Sometimes the mothers would ask their younger child: “Why are you sad, Felicia?” and Felicia would say: “I am not sad, mothers!” And then Felicia would smile, and her mothers would smile, but none of them appeared to be smiling to each other, and they would all remain sad.

Sometimes the father broke things on purpose, like vases or the children’s toys, or the children’s toy vases, or birds. It brought him great joy breaking things, because it reminded him that he was autonomous. But to the outside eye, it looked like an expressionless man smashing random objects. The older child, Jason, had a piece of lumber he carried around with him always. It was a banister from an old stairwell railing, and he loved it! He had named it Jason also, because it reminded him of himself, and he would dress the stick in similar shirts and pants. Felicia asked him: “Why do you dress like that stick, Jason?” “It makes me happy,” Jason said. “See? See how I smile, sister?” “No,” she said.

Their neighbors and friends wanted the Goods to be happy. And they were. But they could not smile. The Goods though they were smiling, but they were not. No one knew how to solve the problem, because no one knew what the problem was.

Lauren: [sadly] Ohh. This part makes me slightly less happy than I always am.

Kevin: [sadly] Oh yes. When people don’t smile, everyone else has to smile even harder.

Lauren: I can’t wait to hear how the story ends. But now, let’s share some of our favorite holiday dishes!

Kevin: Ooohohohooo!

Lauren: [chuckles] Yeah. I know you all out there are busily preparing your All Smiles’ Day meals. Kevin, what is your favorite dish?

Kevin: Ooo! When I was a boy, my father used to make caramel. He would pour a whole bag of sugar into a large pot and put it over the highest heat. Then he would stir and stir, slowly mixing in heavy cream, until the sugar liquefied and toasted. Then, [coos] as the syrup came to a boil, he would call the kids into the kitchen and we would all open our hands, and he would pour the boiling caramel into our cupped palms! Ooh, it burned our hands so badly, but that was no problem, because we just forced the sweet caramel quickly into our mouths, where it also badly burned our tongues and lips. Ooh! It was one of my happiest memories!

[solemnly] Years later, when I was an adult, I found a starling in a shopping center parking lot. Its head had been crushed by a car tire, and its rear leg was still twitching. I watched it for about… 15 minutes, until it stopped moving.

Lauren: Thanks for that recipe, Kevin! Hah! My favorite holiday dish is radish casserole. It’s really easy to make. You just pull the stems off, then using a peeler you remove the red skin. Then, place the radish in a food processor and blend it until it’s a stiff paste. Pour onto a plate and voilà, ha ha!

Kevin: [solemnly] I still don’t know who killed that starling.

Lauren: Let’s continue with our story of All Smiles’ Eve. The Good family began treating themselves more gently, considering that perhaps they maybe were dealing with something more serious than just a lack of happiness. One mother told the other mother that depression and anxiety are more common than we think, and the other mother said: “We should listen to each other more and try to better understand our pain.” “Pain is something we can all understand,” the father said, and he pointed to the half-cat under the shrubs, which they had adopted last month when they found it decomposing on their lawn. They named the half cat Mr. Doodles. [chuckles] “Awww!” The whole family cooed. “Mr. Doodles!” They all smiled, unnoticeably.

Jason and Felicia wanted their friends to know they were happy, so they began practicing smiling in the mirror, but even they couldn’t see a change in their faces. Plus, mirrors were upsetting because of all the people who would gather behind them in the reflection, that weren’t actually there when they turned around to face them.

But one day, the Good family’s life would change. Because they would meet – the Smiling God!

Kevin: Oooooooooooo-o-o-oo..

Lauren: [laughing hysterically] I know (–)..

Kevin: Laureeeeeeen, I love this part! We’ll be back with more of the story in a moment. But let’s talk about some last minute gift ideas.

Lauren: I know a lot of you out there waited until the last possible moment to buy your All Smiles’ Day gifts. But not to worry, because there are plenty of meaningful gifts you can get right now.

Kevin: You could even make something. People enjoy receiving handcrafted gifts from loved ones. For instance, Lauren, I bought some yarn and then…

Lauren: Aha?

Kevin: Hand-knitted you this sweater?

Lauren: Awww, Kevin!!! [chuckles] It’s beautiful, i-i-it’s covered in… are these worms?

Kevin: Sure are! I bought those at the bait shop.

Lauren: Amazing. And Kevin, I bought you some cologne!

Kevin: I don’t wear cologne.

Lauren: That’s when I bought you cologne. I special ordered it from a parfumerie in Frenchia. It’s called (–) [0:11:05]. I can see by your grin that you love it. I’ll spray some on you.

Kevin: [gleefully] Oh, it burns!!

Lauren: Hahaha! It’s acid.

Kevin: Look at all the little bubbles forming on my wrist! Ah, I can see my veins!

Lauren: Listeners, you may not have time to knit a sweater and staple live worms to it, or special order a foreign cologne…

Kevin: Ooohoohoo..

Lauren: But here are a few ideas to help you out in your last minute gift buying. People love animals. Maybe buy them a dog. Or how about a coupon book full of chores you’ll do for them, like “I’ll clean the dishes for one whole month” or “I’ll beginning you for my life” or “I’ll sharpen your teeth while you sleep.”

Kevin: I’m sure those are great gift ideas, Lauren. I wasn’t listening because my arm hurts so much. Ooh, let’s continue with our story of All Smiles’ Eve.

Lauren: OK.

Kevin: One day, the Good family felt hot. They lived in the desert because they loved feeling hot, so this made them very happy. Their feet burned, they couldn’t hold still, they leapt up and down to keep their feet from being completely scorched, and it looked like a dance. They were joyously happy, they smiled and smiled, but to anyone watching, they looked like the saddest dances ever.

They heard a loud pop, as the sand raound their hoem burst skyward and th Smiling God emerged.

“Iii am the Smiling Goood,” the Smiling God said. And the Good family’s ears began to melt away. They clutched at their heads, screaming. They had never felt so happy.

“Whyy are you not haappyy?” The God asked. “Youu shoould bee happyy!” the God demanded. “We are!” the Good family insisted. “See us smiling?” “Noo!” The God said. “But soon I wi-ill!”

And the Smiling God told them about purity and about devouring. The Smiling God showed the family a PowerPoint presentation on the subject of purity, even though PowerPoint, let alone computers, would not be invented for more than a century. The Good family happily watched the Smiling God’s lecture. They smiled imperceptibly through the whole thing. And the Smiling God grew furious, because it could not see how happy they were. The Smiling God said to the Good family, saying “Behold! You will smile so much, you will never want to stop!”

The Good family said: “We are smiling!”
But the Smiling God had already devoured their home in one heaving gulp. All that remained was a smoldering pit and scattered debris. Jason, the boy, found splinters of Jason the stick. Mr. Doodles was now only a fourth of a cat. “Awww,” the whole family cooed, “Mr. Doodles!”

Their long house was a long – pit. And every single mirror in their home was gone, along with the ghastly figures who gathered in the reflections. And the Good family was so happy and so afraid. They concentrated hard on making the biggest smiles they could, but the Smiling God could not see their pure joy on their bland faces.

Lauren: [sadly] Oh! Oh oh oh, I can’t wait to hear the end of this story, Kevin. But for now, let’s get to today’s weather.

[“Fast Talker" by aj & the good intentions]

Lauren: The Good family sifted through the debris of their home, knowing that the Smiling God had purified it for them. It would be difficult to get by without food or shelter or belongings, but they knew purity was all they truly needed to be happy.

But the younger child, Felicia, had seen the face of the the Smiling God, and knew that they had disappointed it. She told Jason that they had to do something, and Jason agreed. Jason set out to find everything in the wreckage that might make them smile. He showed Felicia how the bottom of the pit was all wet and gooey. Her expression did not change. He brought their three dogs around for her to pet, but the poor animals could not stop vomiting. He asked their parents to come, give him and Felicia hugs and tell them that they loved them and that they wanted their children to be happy.
“But I am happy,” Felicia protested, and she pointed at her lips. “See?” They did not see.

Felicia lowered her head. She stared at her shoes with their brand new laces, white as the Smiling God’s teeth, not knowing what to do but then, then she saw something interesting under her feet. A framed photograph. She picked it up. The wooden frame was completely torn off one side and the glass was shattered. The photo underneath was discernible, but it had warped and wilted in the heat of the Smiling God’s arrival.

It was a family photo. Mom, Mom, Dad, Jason, three non-vomiting dogs and the front half of a cat. Everyone was smiling, just not visibly of course. Felicia stared lovingly into the frame and it all made sense to her. “We are not smiling!” she shouted. She pulled at the frame, tearing it away, she grabbed at the triangular shards of glass covering the photograph.” [panting]
“Well, I’m definitely smiling,” her mother said.
“I’m smiling up a storm!” her other mother said.
“I’m smiling like a fox in a smile house,” her father said.
But no one agreed with anyone.
Felicia said: “No you’re not, but you will be.”

Felicia turned her back to them. She lifted her hands to her face and the family photograph fluttered to the earth. Felicia pressed the tip of the glass fragment against her front teeth and pulled sharply back to her right. She felt a warm rush of air across her gums. Her family saw a line of blood flash across the hot stand. She did it again to her left side. Her face hurt with joy, with happiness. She turned around and her family saw that she was smiling from ear to ear. And they wanted to smile that much. They wanted to smile like that and never stop.

Felicia wasn’t concerned that she got blood on her brand new shoelaces. She knew her family was so proud of her smile. “Now I must make all of you happy,” she said. And she did. She chased each of them down one by one, and when she was done, they were all smiling the biggest smiles they had ever smiled, so many teeth in the Good family.

The Smiling God saw all of this and it was honored and pleased, so the Smiling God devoured the entire family and they died.

Kevin: [moved] Oooooooh! What a beautiful story!

Lauren: Yes. Yes. And the souls of that family were so joyous and pure that they still wander our town, with huge toothy grins. And every year, on All Smiles’ Eve, they center the homes of children who do not smile and then they help them smile.

Kevin: It’s a good moral.

Lauren: As children, my siblings and I used to leave a shard of glass and a set of bloody shoelaces just outside our unlocked front door on All Smiles’ Eve to show Felicia that we already knew how to smile.

Kevin: Well! A happy All Smiles’ Eve to everyone in Desert Bluffs 2! May the corners of your mouth be ever-widening.

Lauren: Believe in a Smiling God, my friends!

Kevin: And know that joy is in your teeth.

Lauren: [softly] Good night, Kevin. And good night, Desert Bluffs 2.

Kevin: [softly] Good night!

Today’s proverb: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, now you’re just being an asshole.