01/01/2015 13:28:36 ¶ ●

## Episode 59 - Antiques

It’s not darkest before the dawn. It’s actually darkest after all the stars have gone out. It’s very dark then.

Welcome to Night Vale.

We begin this new year with some troubling news. Frances Donaldson, owner of the Antiques Mall, has reported that some of her antiques have escaped. She said that when she fed them this morning, they were all accounted for. But when she went back for the usual mid-afternoon watering, the fence had been cut and over half of the antiques were missing.

“They didn’t escape,” she corrected reporters, who were just trying to talk to her a bit about what had happened, were just doing their best to help her out, and so didn’t need to have their heads bitten off for using a different word, but…whatever.

“They didn’t escape,” she said. “They were set free.”

All surveillance cameras in the immediate vicinity – and this is not a particularly interesting or dangerous part of Night Vale, so there were only three hundred and forty-four – had been disabled, or moved to point away from the antiques pen, or had their tapes replaced with VHS cassettes full of Matlock episodes, recorded and re-recorded over each other so that each tape shows ghosts of every Matlock at once – a single, unified, Matlock, through the flicker and warp of video age.

The Secret Police warn citizens that antiques are wild animals, and while generally friendly, their behavior can be unpredictable. If you see an antique, do not approach it. Simply put your hands over your chest, scream “We’re all about to be eaten!” and run blindly away.

“Although it’s possible this may cause the antique to instinctually go into hunting behavior and chase you. We didn’t bother to check. Look, we were kind of busy. Was there something stopping you from doing this research?” the Sheriff’s Secret Police concluded, before shaking their heads and melting back into the walls.

StrexCorp Synernists Inc., the company you might remember as our former unfriendly overlords – or you might not remember them if your memory has been altered or erased. Anyway, StrexCorp is, of course, owned by beings that are…difficult to describe without using the illegal term “angels,” but who are all named Erika. As part of their continual process to turn the power of StrexCorp toward the betterment of our world, the Erikas have started the process of releasing those people whose lives StrexCorp took possession of, back during what could be termed it’s “bad boy days” or “dystopian capitalist hell days” – whichever you prefer.

Among those released is Janice Rio (from down the street), last seen entering a condo, which you should definitely never do. Never go into a condo.

Also released: Lucy and Hannah Gutierrez, former owners of the former White Sand Ice Cream Shop that’s bankruptcy led to their lives being confiscated by Strex. They are looking well and fit, no worse for the wear than any ordinary person who is, say, imprisoned by the City Council in the Abandoned Mine Shaft outside of town for voting incorrectly on municipal elections. Ha-ha, we all experience extra-legal extended imprisonment at some point in our lives, after all.

They pledge to restart their ice cream shop, and are currently running a Kickstarter to gather together the funds. In order to get better results, the Kickstarter is labeled as being for a blender you can plug an iPhone into to get real-time blending stats and earn blending points on The Blending Community. It is not actually for that, though, it’s for an ice cream shop! And I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to have another bite of that magical Gutierrez ice cream.

Chad Bowinger, who lives in the Shambling Orphan housing development down by the Haunted Baseball Diamond, said “It is a sadness, what we do to each other. It is a weeping, and a gnashing of teeth.”

I don’t think this was in relation to StrexCorp, or Kickstarter, but he walked by and said that to me, so I thought I’d throw it in. Thanks, Chad!

And now another edition of the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

Stick out your tongue. Farther…farther…is that really as far as you can get it? I bet you can get it a little farther than that!

Wow! That’s, like, three feet! Honestly, I– I expected an inch or so. Uh!Oh! Uh…now it’s at five feet! How– how long is your tongue? How long is a tongue supposed to be? Um, uh, can we get someone to check on that?

Th– this is starting to freak me out a little, your endless tongue. This was supposed to be a fun and challenging exercise, but now I’m questioning everything about myself and my life. I'm– I’m shivering! Your– your tongue is reaching out the door, it’s down the street, it– it’s rolling out of town! Look how far your tongue stretches!

You have not done well, young child. But you’ve certainly done something. You certainly have.

And somewhere, the tip of your tongue is still rolling on, tasting a world that neither it nor you can see.

Say, are you related to uh…huh…never mind. That doesn’t matter.

Oh, god! Oh god, that…that tongue! That hideous infinite tongue!

This has been the Children’s…Fun Fact…Science…Corner.

There are many reports coming in about the missing antiques. People have seen antique tracks, have heard creatures rooting around in their garbage, grazing on their lawns, loping through their back yards. It has been difficult to tell which direction the antiques are moving, because many of these reports contradict each other and most are likely people mixing up the antiques with other similar-looking animals, like owls, or hyenas, or bacteria.

Intern Maureen, who has, all told, been intern longer than anyone I can remember – well done, Maureen! – anyway, Maureen is back at school right now, so her friend Hector is taking over for a bit. Hi, Hector! Great to have you on.

Intern Hector is waving, he’s saying hello, he doesn’t have a mic, so his “hello” doesn’t exist for you. Nothing exists for you outside of my voice saying it does.

Anyway, Hector, can you do me a favor and go check out what’s going on with the escaped antiques? Reports are muddled, and we need someone on the ground, so to speak. In the ground, as they say. Buried deep in the earth, as the saying goes, to understand what’s really going on here.

Hector is nodding – now that nod exists for you.

Goodbye, Hector. Until we see you again, very soon and very well, I’m sure.

Now, this.

Imagine a man.

This is a simple command, leading to millions of conceivable scenarios. Imagine this man. Every possible physical form, location, and condition that a man can be in. Perhaps this man has been dead so long he is dust. Perhaps you are imagining dust, and perhaps you are not wrong.

Imagine a man.

Imagine him. There is a buzzing light bulb above him. He is standing on what could loosely be called the porch of what could loosely be called a tin shack. The light bulb buzzes and buzzes. He looks up in irritation. You were wrong to imagine him as dust. Do you have him now? Do you know what he looks like?

Imagine a man.

No. No, I’m sorry, no. You were incorrect. [Heavy sigh] And so the weekly “Find the Man I’m Thinking Of” contest will roll over to the next week. This is the three hundredth consecutive week without a winner, and the prize for next week will be the three hundred and one custom made pencils that say “I won a thing.”

Ugh. I hope someone wins soon. The giant box of pencils here? Starting to get in the way of things.

Ohhh! Guess who’s in the studio with me! Well, not actually with me, but projecting himself into our physical plane. That’s right, my favorite scientist and yours, but mostly mine, Carlos!

> Carlos: Hi, Cecil!

Cecil: Carlos, I know we just talked last night, but for the listeners, why don’t you tell us what’s new out in the desert otherworld you’re trap– oop! Uh, the desert otherworld you’re spending some time in.

> Carlos: Well, I– I’ve been doing so much interesting research! I’ve learned the composition of the rocks (which are not of our world), and the composition of the components of the rocks, which are of our world, strangely, and I’m trying to figure out how many stars there are. I mean, they’re always changing size and position, but…I do think there are a lot of stars.

Cecil: That sounds very scientific.

> Carlos: Oh, it is so scientific. The most scientific. I don’t think I’ve ever been more scientific, and you know how much I love science.

Cecil: Oh-ho-ho, yes. I am also very into science. But I miss, you know, touching! I miss this! Listeners, you can’t see, but I’m trying to hold his hand, and my hand is just going through him because he’s not actually here.

> Carlos: I– I know. That’s why I’m working on a way for you to visit. I think you’d like it here! It’s super interesting, and there is so much science. Plus, the people are way friendlier here. People in Night Vale can be a little…

Cecil: No, I– I know. I suppose it couldn’t hurt to take a little visit. But I need to be back in my radio desk soon. It can be difficult to ask station management for time off of work.

> Carlos: Great! So, I’ll let you know when I figure out exactly how to get you here. Ugh, I cannot wait to see you in person again.

Cecil: Me neither!

> Carlos: Cannot wait. Cannot.

Cecil: Oh, ok! Me neither!

> Carlos: It’s gonna be good.

Cecil: Uhhhh….ahem. Well. Thank you so much for this highly relevant report that had important information for everyone in town. Thanks, Carlos.

> Carlos: Bye, Cecil.

Cecil: Bad news, listeners. It seems that the antiques have gathered around City Hall and are behaving in threatening ways toward anyone trying to leave or enter. We are getting reports that while City Council has already safely evacuated (using a rocket sled that they keep for this very purpose), mayor Dana Cardinal is still trapped inside.

The Sheriff’s Secret Police are responding quickly by issuing press releases to explain why it’s definitely not their job to deal with this situation because, frankly, it seems pretty dangerous and scary. They said that they have activated all available officers to work hard on deflecting responsibility away from them.

As the Sheriff’s Secret Police slogan goes, “Not our job, not our problem.”

Oh, no! Oh no! Um, I’m being told that the antiques have found a way into City Hall. The pack is entering the building. City Hall has been infiltrated by hungry antiques with no one left to protect our mayor!

Who will protect Dana? Someone! Someone must! Will no one step forward? Will no one? Is anyone even listening to this? What– what kind of town are we? What kind of town are we?

Also, here’s the weather.

[“State of Mine” by Stöj Snak]

Well, listeners. Well, well, listeners. It seems…it seems that all is well!

We don’t know how, but our beloved mayor is safe once again. A person of unknown identity appeared on the scene, running into the City Hall and single-handedly defending the mayor’s office against the pack of antiques.

This was…foolish of that person. That person could have been killed, or gravely wounded! Maybe they were! We don’t know who the person is, or where they went, and so their fate is as nonexistent as anything else I do not or cannot voice.

Mayor Cardinal gave a message of thanks, saying “Whoever you are, thank you. I do not speak for the town or for the city government. I speak for myself, as a person, as a human full of blood and worry. Thank you for keeping me safe,” she said.

Pamela Winchell, Director of Emergency Press Conferences, held an emergency press conference in which she added to the mayor’s statement by saying, “Clouds are the belt of the sky. Cinch them tighter! Make the clouds go tighter! Make the sky come closer!” before hurling herself into the sky, until she was just a dot in the upward distance.

So, that seems to be another crisis averted, albeit in a sudden and – if I may be frank, as a journalist – narratively unsatisfactory way. Perhaps we will never know who that unknown savior is, or who the unknown liberator of the antiques was. Perhaps we will never know anything. We have certainly never known anything yet.

Oh, but wait! Oh, intern Hector is returning. Um, hey, Hector? Did you see who the unknown benefactor was? Uh, do you have any information?

Oh, no! Hector is…Hector! He is holding up his arm. There is a tear in the skin, a deep and jagged oval. He has been bitten. Oh, Hector! It was you, wasn’t it? I sent you to report and instead you involved yourself, and…and I thank you for doing so. Ordinarily that would be a violation of journalistic standards, which clearly say we should never help when we could merely watch, but…Dana! Dana is a friend of mine, and so I thank you for ignoring our sacred rules just this once.

I’ll be honest, I– I– I wouldn’t have thought Hector was the type to do something like that, or even physically strong enough to fight off an entire pack of antiques, but…people can surprise you. That is one of the things that people can do.

But…Hector! That bite! You know what happens to someone who is bit by an antique.

Hector is unable to speak. Has been unable to speak since he arrived.

Listeners, of course, anyone bitten by an antique becomes an antique themselves.

Oh, intern Hector, if only there was something I could do for you!

Oh! Oh! He– he is transforming, and his body is elongating, and lowering. His shoulders turn to haunches, his arms to wings. Ugh. His feet to bladed molty legs. He is becoming an antique before my eyes, and I can do nothing for him! For this brave young person who saved my dear friend Dana!

Hector!

He is out of sight now. I can hear only a click, and a shuddering movement. Must’ve fully transformed into an antique.

Hector? Hector! Is there any trace of your old self left? Or are you already hunting me?

Ugh. How good are the bolts on the studio door? He– he– he– he– he can’t come in here, can he?

[Gasp]

I hear a rattling in the ceiling, and there is a clear viscous substance dripping onto my desk. I dare not look for its source.

[Heavy breathing]

Um, ahem. Coming up next, [heavy breathing] hopefully, the sound of my successful escape from this room! Ah! What just touched me?

Hector? Hector!

Well, uh, this is it. Uh, one way or another, uh, here I go, listeners. And here you go, ha-ha, off into radio silence, into places and times where my voice can no longer guide you.

Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight!

[Sound of Cecil making for the studio door, along with another unidentified sound; following dialogue comes from a distance away from the microphone]

I made it! I totally made it! I’m fine! I’m fine!

Uh, to the family and friends of intern Hec–

Today’s proverb: If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever.