01/07/2015 10:46:30 ¶ ●

## Bonus Episode 4 - Pamela Winchell

Cecil: In response to the “murderer on the loose” situation, Mayor Dana Cardinal has sent her official Night Vale Director of Emergency Press Conferences to issue an emergency press conference. Unfortunately, the Press Conference Gazebo is currently on fire…due to routine maintenance. So this press conference will be held right here in our studio. Please welcome former mayor Pamela Winchell.

Pamela Winchell: Hello, members of the press corps. Hello, people of the public. Hello, visiting dignitaries, wandering spirits, and hidden royalty disguised as local farmers due to troubles in their home country.

I would like to start this emergency press conference with a joke.

OK. So.

What did the dog say to the bartender?

Crowd: What?

Pamela: “Death is just a tone of soil – but then, my friend, so is life!”

[Pamela laughs, joined by Cecil – who laughs longer than Pamela does]

Hold any laughter for the end of the presentation, please!

Citizens, there is a murderer among us, striking at us from the shadows!

Yeah, so what? This morning, my wrist was sore! I don’t know why! I woke up, and it was sore! Does anyone know why? If you know why, please notify a town official. I think it’s probably a joint thing.

Maybe you’ll all make it through today. Maybe you won’t. I mean, what am I, some kind of expert on you? I’m not. I don’t think. Well, I might be. You know, it has been a long time since college, and I don’t remember what it was that I studied. I mean…plants? Are plants a thing?

Cecil: Pure fiction.

Pamela: OK, not that then.

It is important, in times of emergency, to remain calm. This won’t keep you safe. Whatever was going to happen to you, will happen to you anyway. But you will be less irritating to those around you as it happens. I mean, people usually make such a fuss and a bunch of noise when in mortal danger, and some of us are trying to read right now, thank you!

Maybe the reading is why my wrist is sore! Ah! I– I– I should have stretched more before doing something that takes this much hard physical labor.

Mayor Cardinal asked me to come to speak to you. I have come to tentatively respect Mayor Cardinal, although I maintain a slight suspicion that she may be a number of super-sentient lizards in a meat costume. I have the same suspicion toward all people, including myself.

Anyway, Mayor Cardinal asked me to relay some important emergency info to all of you, so here it is:

On the edge of the known universe is a campfire, and around it are three figures, indistinct and huddling – refugees from the universe before our own. They will never be able to return home. And, metaphorically, neither will any of us. We are all, metaphorically, huddled around a campfire at the edge of the known universe. But in literal terms, only those three figures are. And no one knows their names. And no one ever will.

The Night Vale municipal government hopes that this emergency information was helpful to you. As always, if you are in need of assistance, please don’t bother me. Thank you, Cecil, I will now step into the circle I drew in the sand with my big toe and vanish in a flash of green smoke.

Cecil: Oh. Well, thank you very much!

Annnnnnnnd yup! There she goes, flash of green smoke. Looks like she still has a little bit of that mayoral power left inside her.

Today’s proverb: Dodge Ram. Good car. Even better advice.