02/10/2016 22:57:15 ¶ ●

## Episode 95 - Zookeeper

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a cursed talisman must be in want of a hex reversal.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Night Vale, we have a special treat for you today. Joanna Rey, head zookeeper at the Night Vale Zoo, joins us live in studio. She’s also brought in several animals for us to see. Since this is radio, if you are not a telepath or an omnipresent spirit, you won’t be able to see them. You’ll just have to imagine the animals, but that shouldn’t be difficult. As the old saying goes, “a thousand words is worth a picture.” So today’s show should be worth about 2.6 pictures. You will also be able to envision 2.6 animals during today’s show.

Cecil: Joanna, welcome to our program.

Joanna: Thanks for having me!

Cecil: I can see you brought in some really interesting.. what are those, raccoons?

Joanna: These are chickens.

Cecil: [fascinated] Oooh!

Joanna: One of the evolutionary defensive traits of the chicken is its resemblance to the raccoon. For instance, both animals have two eyes and antennae, and like the raccoon, the chicken is mortal, which is a term zoologists use to describe animals that eventually die.

Cecil: Hmm, I remember as a small child I found a dead raccoon in our yard, and I told my mother about it. I thought it was sleeping. But that day, my mother sat me down and explained death to me. “Cecil,” she said, “most of God’s creatures are born, and then one day they die. Just like you and me, one day both of us will die. One of us will do so in a much more eventful way than the other, unlike this raccoon, which died from a rock I dropped on it.

Joanna: Why did your mother drop a rock on a raccoon?

Cecil: [amused] Oh, she was always a jokester, always up to some kind of prank. Dropping rocks on people and animals was just her way of kidding around. Anyway, these chickens are gorgeous, with their bright orange and yellow wings and dozens of spiny legs. What’s weird is I always assumed chickens were mythical, because I’ve never seen one in person.

Joanna: Mm, a lot of people make that mistake in logic. But just because you cannot see something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This is something zoologists must always remember, because there are so many creatures not visible to human sight. Like amoebas and microbes and ghost horses. When visitors come to the Night Vale Zoo, staff members from our audience education team often hide in the shrubbery and then jump out shouting, “I’m real!” at the blindfolded zoo goers, just to educate people on the existence of things they can’t see.

Cecil: I’ve learned a lot of neat things while wearing a blindfold! We’ll get back to your wonderful creatures in a moment, Joanna, but first today’s news.

[growling]

Cecil: Wait, what was that?

Joanna: Nothing. What? I didn’t hear a low growling sound. [laughs nervously] Is it hot in here?

Cecil: Ookay, uh, let’s have a glance at traffic. The roads are totally clear today, it’s a real mess out there. No one can see where the streets are, because they are completely transparent. I’d like to tell you which avenues and intersections to avoid, but since they’re virtually invisible, that information is useless. Perhaps try walking or just staying at home.

Joanna: Wow! Glad I flew here today instead of driving, huh?

Cecil: Good call!

An update on Old Woman Josie. Several of you have written in, via email and spray paint on the station walls, that you want to know how she’s doing. Well, she’s out of the hospital, back home and recovering nicely. Apparently Josie’s daughter Alondra has come back to Night Vale to help care for her. I rarely hear Josie mention her children, and she didn’t say much about Alondra this time either. Apparently Alondra decided to return to her home town to take care of her mother, because she didn’t want an old woman with a broken hip trying to live on her own. Josie insisted that she wasn’t living alone, that she had several, what she refers to as.. angels, named Erika, who are taking care of her. As well as her StrexCorp foundation, which supports not only the New Old Opera House, but also several local arts groups, a library destruction fund, and the popular charity Cars for Kids, which provides cars to kids who do not have cars. The angels, according to Josie, have lived at her house for several years and have shown nothing but grace, love, and support for her, unlike her family who moved away from the desert. Josie definitely sounds upset, and sometimes the forced bond of family relationships can be frustrating. But having family to take care of you when you live alone is a true blessing.

Um, listeners, Intern Kareem is shaking his head at me and saying Josie lives with the angels. [shouting] Now we went over this in the meeting, Kareem! We do not acknowledge the existence of angels, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, Josie lives alone, there’s no one to take care of her! Oh come on, don’t walk out! Ugh. There he goes, a man who doesn’t believe in time-traveling trains or deer-faced destroyer gods, but deny a single angel and he’s throwing a fit. Well, best wishes to Old Woman Josie, and welcome back to Night Vale, Alondra.

Cecil: So let’s get back to your fantastic zoo animals, Joanna.

Joanna: Sure thing! Let me just get this cage up here on the desk.

Cecil: Listeners, Joanna is lifting what looks like a solid steel cube, onto the desk. She’s opening it. Lots of steam or vapor is coming out, I’m so excited. What kind of exotic creature has she brought for us in such a dramatic carrying case?

Joanna: These, Cecil, are brown tarantulas. [chuckles]

Cecil: [disappointed] Oooh.

Joanna: You don’t sound excited.

Cecil: Well, brown tarantulas are fairly common in the desert, I-I was hoping for something exotic like chickens.

Joanna: Of course, but the reason I brought these tarantulas is to talk about our animal development initiative. Zoos not only display animals in tiny enclosures for the public to gawk at, but we also train and rehabilitate many of these animals. Sometimes animals we bring in have been badly injured, or in the case of these tarantulas, horribly undereducated. You might not notice just by looking at them, but our animal development team has taught these tarantulas to read! They are fully sentient. That’s Samantha, that’s Jordy, that’s Nash, that’s Carmelo. That’s Patrice, that’s Garfield, and somewhere.. Oh, I don’t see where she went, is Helen. Oh, there she is, on the back of your shirt collar!

Cecil: [nervously] Aahahaahahahaa-hi, Helen! That’s amazing! I know there are several “teach spiders to read” programs here in Night Vale. It’s great to hear some of them are really working. So uhh Helen, what book are you reading?

Joanna: Oh, tarantulas can’t speak. Or write. Just read.

Cecil: So they can read, but not express to anyone what it is they have learned?

Joanna: Yup.

Cecil: Is there any consideration by the zoo about developing sentience in creatures who live in cages? I mean, do you think that the animals’ self-awareness could bring about stages of depression or resentment, or despair or even rage, if they understood the prison-like conditions in which they lived?

Joanna: Totally. Oh, also I brought in some baby pigs!

Cecil: [squealing] Oh piglets! Oh they’re so cute! Um, your name is Wobbles, and your name, oh, your name is The Professor!

[loud growling noise]

Cecil: There’s that noise again.

Joanna: I’m sure it’s nothing.

Cecil: Did you say..?

Joanna: Cecil, it’s fine.

Cecil: Oh, OK. Let’s get to our program sponsor now.

Today’s show is brought to you by Starbucks. Start your day off feeling great. Maybe grab a latte or a caramel macchiato or even a mocha frappuccino on your way to work. Just make sure you’re feeling great first. We’ll know if you’re not. If you purchase one of our products while not feeling great, you’re going to make us not feel great, and that kind of negativity is infectious, you know. Perhaps you think our coffee-related product line will help you get beyond not feeling great into actually feeling great, but you can’t rely on nutritional stimulants to achieve positivity. No, no. Caffeine and sugar will get your energy up, sure, but that crash is coming, and it won’t be pretty. And we don’t want you hanging that on us. Get yourself in a good place. Really be positive. Fake it till you make it, we suppose. But you better be an excellent faker. If we find out you showed up to one of our thousands of Starbucks locations worldwide while unhappy, we are going to be livid. Just beside ourselves, all of us, every Starbucks employee standing in a line, literally beside ourselves, holding hands and saying directly to you: “Don’t come here with your nasty attitude and expect us to bear the weight. Oh no. Oh NO, you will NOT.”

Starbucks. Cool your hot mess before you show your face around here.

A few weeks back, we reported several five-headed dragons had arrived in Night Vale. Including Hadassah McDaniels, the sister of current death row inmate, Hiram McDaniels. Most of them are between 10 and 25 feet tall, and all have five heads. We’re getting more and more complaints from local businesses and human Night Vale residents about these dragons. Marjory Valejo, manager of the Dollar Cinema, says each dragon takes up nearly a dozen seats, not to mention obstructing the view of all the seats behind the dragon’s mass of long heads. Teddy Williams, owner of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, had to cancel league nights this week because he’s having to buff out all of the claw marks in the lanes. It was actually lucky for my team, which is down one member, while Old Woman Josie recovers. Bob Stern, vice president of finance for the Night Vale Auto Insurance company, said his company has seen a significant uptick in dragon-initiated accidents, and that they would no longer cover anyone who owns a car. He then deliberately broke his own arm with a wrench and guffawed nervously.

It’s been a tough adjustment, Night Vale, to our five-headed guests from another world, but we are a friendly town. Remember to welcome strangers with a friendly point, as you shout “Interloper!” at them. Also, it’s considered good neighborly behavior to follow strangers home while repeating, “What are you doing? Where you off to?” The dragons, I’m.. um, kind of sure.. mean us no harm.

Joanna, have you ever seen a dragon upclose?

Joanna: [gasps] Yes, one. They’re beautiful things, really intelligent and funny creatures. Fiercely loyal. Well, to their own kind, anyway. I mean, you’re texting with a dragon, “What do you do on Friday?” and she doesn’t text you back, and you’re like, “Donna, I would like to see you, it’s been weeks, is everything OK?” And then one day you get a phonecall and Donna’s gold head is like, “You’re a great woman, I’ve had a nice time but..” and her green head is like, [snaps] “It’s over, Joanna!” and then you’re just crying and crying for what? [angrily] I mean, come on Donna, really? [sighs sadly]

Cecil: Soo what other animals have you brought in?

Joanna: Well this is a long-horned steer, so majestic and bold.

Cecil: Wow, look at those horns!

Joanna: Also those wings. Wings are the best part of the steer.

Cecil: You know, I’m always in awe of animals who can fly.

Joanna: Ah, it’s just so delicious!

[loud growling]

Cecil: Joanna?

[growling intensifies]

Cecil: Joanna, your face it’s.. widening. Your eyes are turning yellow and and and your paws, I mean, your hands are turning into paws. Listeners, Joanna is now.. uh what.. wh-what are you, a-a panther, I think? Oh, she’s jumping onto the, oh oh my ooh, ooh that is, that is not good.

Joanna: [speaking with her mouth full] The wings are the best part in steer, they’re so.. [growling continues]

Cecil: Listeners, Joanna is jumping after the hens now. We need to.. oh my god, the piglets. Wobbles! The Professor! No, I.. [squealing noises] OK, well I wish I had not seen that. While we try to restore order, let me take you to the we- Microphones are not for eating! They are smarter than dolphins! Joanna!

[growling]

[“Coffee” by Sylvan Esso]

Cecil: And we are back. Our special guest today has been Joanna Rey, head zookeeper at the Night Vale Zoo. Thanks for being on our show, Joanna!

Joanna: Thanks for having me.

Cecil: You’ve eaten all of the animals you brought in today.

Joanna: Well, except for the tarantulas. They wandered off. Not sure where they went. Just like a bunch of spiders to be there one second and gone the next. [laughs]

Cecil: Oh, my intern Kareem tells me they all wandered over to the Human Resources department here at the station, and applied for sales jobs. Apparently they were strong interviewers, despite not being able to speak our write.

Joanna: Oh, that’s a big success for our animal development initiative! There is so much good a zoo does for animals, besides lock them up and examine them, which is of course just part of maintaining a natural environment for these creatures. Without the conservation efforts of the zoo, these animals would just be locked up and examined by predators.

Cecil: But in the confines of the zoo, they seem to be at risk of being devoured by zoo staff members who turns into predatory cats.

Joanna: Cecil, that’s my lunch we’re talking about.

Cecil: So you just got overwhelmed with hunger, and your body turned into a panther and you ate all the animals?

Joanna: [indignantly] I’m a shapeshifter, Cecil! I only take the form of a cat when I eat, because people get all upset when I devour an entire cow looking like a human. I am sorry about the damage to your studio, I really am. I should have eaten before I came. But don’t be so quick to judge shapeshifters, Cecil! We don’t get “overwhelmed”. We just choose our appearances based on what we want to express, like clothing. You might wear, say, a T-shirt around the house doing chores or while on vacation, but I imagine you have different outfits to wear to work.

Cecil: Oh yes. Although today is Plastic Poncho Wednesday so I’m dressed up a bit more, but yeah, for work I usually wear a cummerbund and capri pants, because it’s important to me that people understand I am a journalist. I see what you’re saying Joanna, that’s fair. I bet being able to take the form of different animals in fact makes your job a lot easier at the zoo.

Joanna: Hmm. I’ve only ever used this ability to eat lunch, but that’s a great idea! I should try it at work sometime.

Cecil: Well thanks for being on our show today, Joanna.

Joanna: Sure. You know, there’s still a lot of chicken blood pooling around your desk. Let me get another paper towel.

Cecil: Oh oh no no, it’s no bother. Intern Kareem, could you, could you come in here?

Stay tuned next, Night Vale, for the sound of scrubbing, followed by the sound of gagging. Followed by the sound of liquid dribbling into a metal pan.

And as always, goodnight, Night Vale, goodnight.

Today’s proverb: Want to feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don’t know what a trombone is, and are all named after gourds.

[Loud screaming/cawing/hissing and other interesting sounds, followed by laughter]

16/10/2016 20:06:51 ¶ ●

## Hi! Just wondering whether you will be transcribing the episodes of The Orbiting Human Circus (of the Air)? Thanks. :)

Hope you don’t mind that I’m answering this publicly, since this isn’t the first question I’ve received about this.

Sadly, I just don’t have the time for it with the new job. I’m behind on Night Vale as it is (I’m hoping to get the new episode posted today, but if I run out of juice I may have to finish it tomorrow), and I’m afraid I just won’t be able to take on another podcast right now.

Hopefully somebody will step in to fill the gap, and I feel terrible for not doing it (it seems odd to not be starting a new ‘orbitinghumantranscripts’ blog, or some URL along those lines) after doing it for Alice Isn’t Dead and Within the Wires. But I’m not even sure I’ll be able to keep going on those for any subsequent seasons. There’s only one episode of Within the Wires left, so I’m going to at least complete this season of that show, but I don’t know that I’ll be able to do any second seasons of either show.

If anybody is interested (and committed) to transcribing any of the other three shows (Orbiting Human Circus, Alice, or Wires), let me know and I’ll point people in your direction.

16/10/2016 23:14:16 ¶ ●

## Episode 96 - Negotiations

You are statistically likely. Welcome to Night Vale.

Today, negotiations began between the representatives of the five-headed dragons, led by Hadassah McDaniels and her team of lawyers, in an attempt to save her brother and fellow five-headed dragon, Hiram, from execution. He is charged with the attempted murder of Mayor Dana Cardinal, and the attempted overthrow of city government. We will keep you updated on the negotiations as they happen.

But first, the Community Calendar.

On Sunday, we will be holding a parade to celebrate the fact that the world probably won’t end in the next few days.

Monday is Cloud Amnesty Day, the one day a year in which all Night Vale citizens are allowed to acknowledge and talk about clouds. Common topics of discussion include what clouds are made of, what their intentions might be, and why talking about them can result in fines and jail time. The day will end with the usual ceremony, in which the Sheriff’s Secret Police will do their best to arrest the cloud, marking the reinstatement of the cloud ban. Of course, the only exception to this ban is the Glow Cloud, who is almighty and gracious in its cruelty. All hail, as everyone in town says every day, at the exact moment of midnight.

Tuesday, Gino’s Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar will be closed for a private event. This private event will be a celebration of Bart Mentenya’s 60th birthday. Bart is only two days old, so the private celebration will last just short of 60 years. Gino’s Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar will be back to regular business once it’s over. Happy early 60th, Bart!

Wednesday is now only available to paid subscribers. Please join the Days of the Week membership program to receive this member-exclusive day.

Thursday is Take Work to Your Daughter Day. Gather up all your coworkers, the furniture and appliances that make up your workspace, all the petty office politics and backroom bickering, the contents of the supply closet, the structure of the supply closet, the entire building that houses your work, and bring it all piece by piece to your daughter. And then reassemble it for her saying, “See? See?” over and over as she, gape-mouthed, watches your work transplanted monstrously into a place it was never meant to be. Be sure to send us cute pictures of her weeping over what you have done.

Friday, the Museum of Forbidden Technologies will be opening its newest exhibit: Lie detectors! A hands-on, interactive and completely mandatory exhibition organized by a vague, yet menacing government agency. Remember: if you have nothing to hide, then you haven’t confessed yet. We will break you. Children and anyone with an implanted government monitoring chip gets half off admission.

This has been the Community Calendar.

The first round of negotiations over the fate of Hiram McDaniels continues today at City Hall. Not much progress has been made. Mayor Cardinal called a press conference to deliver the following update.

Dana: People of Night Vale. I entered these negotiations to represent you. So much of my job now is to bury myself, my own feelings and thoughts and opinions, and instead act as a proxy to all Night Vale citizens, to do what I think you might want or what is best for you. So here I am, all of Night Vale in one fragile body, entering into conversation with several towering five-headed dragons. This is just scene-setting, I suppose, this is just me letting you know the situation I’m in. The argument from Hadassah and her lead negotiator, Miriam, is that Hiram is a suffering citizen of their world, a world ruled by the five-headed dragons. And so, he must be taken back to their world for trial and punishment under their own justice system. It seems odd that they would send Hiram’s own sister as a representative of that justice system, but who am I? As we discussed before, in many ways, I am no one. I am all of you. I listen politely. I nod.

Now I will return to this negotiation, the ears of Night Vale, the mouth of Night Vale, the collective head of Night Vale, nodding and listening and talking. More soon from me, from all of us.

Cecil: There were no follow-up questions, as the reporters began kissing one another. Dispassionately at first, but with a growing claustrophobic panic a few moments later, as they were unable to stop. Many were heard grunting, their eyes bulging in terror as their arms, against their own desires, began clawing and clutching one another in deep embraces, their lips locked, tongues pressing behind others’ teeth, and noses smashing into cheeks.

In other news, here is what we know: the spacecraft is 10 miles in diameter, it floats 3 miles up. Here is what we know: it is translucent blue, lit from within. It radiates heat, but is far enough away that the heat is reduced to warmth. Here is what we know: the spacecraft is beautiful. Beautiful like industrial waste pouring neon over a barren dead landscape. Here is what we know: our landscape is not barren or dead. It is just dry. Here is what we know: the landscape around Night Vale is many landscapes, different depending on viewing angle and time of day. Now a wall of searing sunlight and hot sand, now a carpet rolling away into an inviting distance. This is not any sort of mystical thing, this is just how landscapes work. Here is what we know: the spacecraft has intentions. Here is what we don’t know: what those intentions are. Here is what we don’t know: what we will do next, what anyone will do next, what next. Here is what we know: the spacecraft is 10 miles in diameter, it floats 3 miles up. 3 miles below it, there is us, knowing almost nothing at all.
This has been the news.

In other news, local star reader and commander of an armed militia, Tamika Flynn, turned 16 years old today. To celebrate, Tamika asked to read a statement to our radio audience. And who am I to turn down such a bright young woman with such a powerful and violent army backing her? Ahaha, she truly terrifies me. Let’s throw it to Tamika.

Tamika: Night Vale, today is my birthday. In many ways, this milestone is meaningless. Time passes incessantly, not annually. I’m always older than I was, always more knowledgeable and experienced. Every day, I have more memories than I did the day before. But our culture tells me this day means something. So fine, I will make it mean something. I spent my morning in quiet contemplation, reading our culture’s great religion texts, like The Wizard of Earth-Sea and the Collected Fictions of Borges. I know now the path forward. From this day on, I am no longer the teen leader of an armed teen militia. I am the leader, no adjective, of a militia with only one adjective: armed. I no longer content with being a curiosity, or a good local story, or even just a teen. I want responsibility and respect, and I believe I have earned them. I do not ask for a place in Night Vale hierarchy, I demand it. Or even more, I take it without waiting for permission. And so, it is with great pleasure, and without leaving any room for dissent or protest, that I hereby appoint myself to City Council. If the multi-body being or beings that make up the current City Council would like to discuss this appointment, I will be waiting for them with the full force of my militia out on the Sand Wastes. If not, I’ll see you at the next meeting. Leave a chair open for me, or else. You can’t see me, but I’m pointing at the librarian I’ve had stuffed and mounted. It was difficult to get the tentacles just right, but my taxidermist Regina did an exquisite job.

And to Night Vale, from your newest and youngest city appointee: I will fight for you. After all, what else is an armed militia for? Thanks for all your birthday wishes. Happy birthday to you as well. On this day, all of us are older. Let us celebrate that with cake!

Cecil: Wow! An unexpected development from Tamika Flynn! City Council has responded by running up the walls of their chamber and yowling like cats, but they seem disinclined to take up her offer of confrontation, so it seems that we have a new member of the City Council for the first time.. well, ever. My best to Councilwoman Flynn.

Simone Rigadeau, the transient who lives in the Earth Sciences Building of the Night Vale Community College, is reopening classes, which have not been offered in that department since 1983. The curriculum will be modified slightly from the original Earth Sciences program, removing courses such as Elementary Oceanography and Environmental Geology to make room for new course work including “1983 – the Year the World Ended?” and “Clear and Distant Danger: the Terrible Mysteries of the Distant Prince”. And one course that’s title is the emoji of a silhouette of a woman, an emoji of the map of Italy, and an emoji of an innocent human being living within a perpetual waking nightmare, never able to escape. It’s good to see education embraced once again in the Earth Sciences building. You know, it’s been a fair bit of time since I went to college. Maybe I’ll take a few of those just for my own self-improvement. I mean, education doesn’t stop when you’re a grown up, you know. And re-education never stops, as long as you don’t perfectly echo the City Council and world government’s policies and dictates.

Update from City Hall. It appears that negotiations are breaking down. Also possibly, City Hall itself, as the building is shaking and smoke is pouring from several of its windows. Mayor Cardinal is leaning out one of those windows and is giving a statement. We go now to that statement.

Dana: Whoa! Well. It is not going great in here, obviously. They want us to send Hiram back to his own world, to be tried and punished under their own laws for attempting to violently overthrow Night Vale’s government. So I asked them, well, what’s the punishment for that over in five-headed dragon world? And Miriam said, “Nothing, that’s just how governments change. You don’t punish someone for doing their civic duty by throwing a coup or assassinating a head of state. What you do is give them a sticker with a flag on it, and the words “I overthrew”, so that everyone will know that you are a good citizen who participates in important civic responsibilities.” I told them I wasn’t about to send Hiram back just to get a sticker, and then Hadassah jumped in and said that if I didn’t send Hiram back, then she might be earning a sticker of her own.

Remember, citizens, in that room I am not me. I am you. I am us. And Hadassah was threatening us. So I told her, “You are not the first five-headed dragon to threaten me or to threaten my town. It didn’t go well for the last one, it will go even worse for you.” Which is all to say that the negotiations are going fine. I mean, Hadassah threatened to level this city, but I think that’s just what’s called a negotiating ploy. I wouldn’t worry about it.

Overall, I’m pretty calm about most things. The stress of this job would be unbearably otherwise. Hey, knock that off! Ugh, hold on.

Cecil: Listeners, it appears that Hadassah is making good on her threat. She is tearing at City Hall and.. Oh no! Oh, oh.. City Hall has collapsed! The enormous dragons are shrugging off the wreckage like so much particles of dust and are now advancing on the rest of Night Vale. Negotiations are going poorly, negotiations are going very poorly. Uh, oh the weather is nice though, let’s hear about that!

[“A Trip Out” by British Sea Power]

Dana: Thank you for your patience, Night Vale. I know things were scary there for a moment, but I hope you held on to your trust in me. Hadassah and her dragons have leveled most of this city. Entire neighborhoods reduced to a smoulderscape, smoke and rock. Schools, hospitals, nothing was safe. Everything was destroyed. But as I suspected, the whole thing was just a negotiating ploy and I held firm. So it’s all fine, we’re back at the table and talking again. We are unfortunately no further along than we were at the start, but now they understand that I am a formidable negotiator, and not one they can scare with cheap tactics, like destroying every building in our story. Anyway, our busy local contractors will get right to work rebuilding everything. They have a lot of practice since, of course, some threat or the other destroys most of the town once or twice a month.

In the meantime, I am you. We are all us. And we are going back to that negotiating table. And Hiram McDaniels is going nowhere at all.

Cecil: A great statement from our great Mayor. Hiram, the subject of all this back-and-forth, said only that he’s not worried at all, that everything is under control, and then four out of five of his heads winked.

The rest of us, the rest of town, moved on with our lives. The problem wasn’t solved, but most problems don’t get solved. I mean, generally we just do our best to mitigate the problem, and if it can’t be mitigated, then it can be relegated to a background noise by pleasant distractions and a prioritization of interests. We live with hearts that can just stop working at any moment. And yet we still lie in hammocks sometimes, or watch a sitcom, or stare at a spot on the wall thinking of many things, none of them having anything to do with the spot on the wall. Herds of grazing creatures are routinely attacked by predators, but when the attack is over, you know what they do? They go back to eating grass. Let us all, metaphorically, go back to eating grass, or, if you are a member of the Rotary Club, you can go back to literally eating grass, as usual.

Best to just ignore danger until it’s too late. The end will be the same, but the experience along the way will be far more pleasant.

Stay tuned next for a pilot turning to her co-pilot and saying, “Let’s see what this baby can do.”

Good night, Night Vale, good night.

Today’s proverb: The children were right. The floor is lava. But they were wrong about the heat-resistance of sofa cushions.

18/10/2016 19:46:15 ¶ ●

## A Special Announcement

For the past three years I (@ahnsael​, formerly a different URL that I had to change because reasons) have been transcribing Welcome to Night Vale, and really enjoying it. You all have been very supportive of me over those years, and I want you to know that I really appreciate that.

But as life moves on (and my job takes up more and more of my time), I’ve found that I don’t have the time and energy to devote to the transcription project that I once did.

Fear not, listeners (and readers). Cecilspeaks will continue to function. @cecilbaldwin-fan​, who has kindly helped out by transcribing episodes in the past when life circumstances got in the way of me posting transcripts in a timely manner, will be taking over transcription duties as cecilspeaks’ new admin.

I’ll still be around, of course, but taking a back seat to her as she keeps the blog alive. She’ll do the transcribing, and I’ll convert her transcripts to downloadable eBook versions so they can stay at the same Google Drive, Dropbox, OneDrive, and MEGA URLs where you’ve been able to find them previously (links to those are on the blog’s sidebar if you need them).

But while this isn’t goodbye, I just wanted to express my gratitude for your support over the past three years. Whether it was a like, a reblog, a kind word in my ask box, or those of you who gifted live shows via Bandcamp so I could provide transcripts when I couldn’t afford to buy the episodes myself, your own dedication to this blog is what has kept me doing it for so long (well, that plus the fact that I still really enjoy the show).

I know I’m leaving you in good hands, but I thought it was only fair to let everyone know about the change in administration of the blog.

24/10/2016 15:52:18 ¶ ●

Hi everyone, I’m cecilbaldwin-fan, and I’ll be taking over here. I thought I’d introduce myself. I’m 36, Finnish, and a huge fan of WTNV and the people behind it. My main blog (which I don’t really use) is maisie-whimsie, so you might see that url too. You know I wrote the post when you see the icon with my cat next to the blog icon.

I make transcripts for a living. Welcome to Night Vale is everything my work files are not: good quality recordings, calmly and clearly spoken, and fun to listen to. Researchers have a lot to learn from podcasters.

I’ve been a WTNV fan for three years, and this blog has been a great resource for me and the whole fandom. This is the oldest and most extensive fan blog I know. Since all fan blogs are hobby projects, very few of them last. ahnsael has done a huge amount of work with these transcripts. It shows true commitment.

As for the blog format, I won’t be making any changes. I will provide the transcripts here, while ahnsael continues to handle uploads on other platforms. If you notice no difference, I’m doing my job well.

Just a note on time zones: WTNV comes out every 1st and 15th at midnight New York time, which is 7 AM my time. I’m not a morning person, so don’t expect an instant transcript. I should get to each episode 7-8 hours after it airs. Also, English isn’t my native tongue, so corrections are appreciated.

Huge thanks to ahnsael for all his hard work and for letting me join the blog. I’m proud and happy to keep this thing going. See you on the 1st!

24/10/2016 19:04:39 ¶ ● ⬈

## If you do transcripts for a living do you use stenography in your work?

cecilbaldwin-fan:

> Not really. I use a transcribing software called Express Scribe, which allows you to have hotkeys (tab=play, for instance). When I’m typing the transcript Word, I can stop, play, and rewind with the hotkeys without having to switch between programs.

> I also use automatic corrections on Word so that I don’t have to type out long words every time (int = international, et.c). Other than that, I just type everything as I go along. I’m a pretty fast typist. The WTNV files are ideal, because the pace of Cecil’s reading is so calm, I don’t have to stop or rewind much. I can just type as he talks.

27/10/2016 16:25:23 ¶ ●

## Congratulations on taking over the blog ~~ Will you be transcribing the other series as well ?

Thanks! And yes, I’ve also been added to the Alice Isn’t Dead and Within the Wires blogs. Ahnsael did the last WIW transcript, and I’ll pick them up when they (hopefully) continue next year.

The Orbiting Human Circus is being transcribed by someone else. (See post above this one)

-cecilbaldwin-fan

27/10/2016 16:25:55 ¶ ●

## Hi!! I started a blog today called OrbitingHumanCircusTranscripts where (surprise, surprise) I will be attempting to transcribe TOHCOTA episodes! I'd love it if you could get the word out because I've seen people asking about transcripts for that show! I've got the first one done, just have to reread and edit accordingly. Thank you and keep up the awesome work!!

Sure, there you go :) Good luck with the blog and have fun!

OrbitingHumanCircusTranscripts