15/02/2016 13:18:34 ¶ ●

## Episode 82 - Skating Rink

If you’re happy, and you know it, then the chemtrails are finally working.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Today is the grand opening of the newest feature at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex: a skating rink! Ah!

Owner Teddy Williams said he has loved roller skating ever since he was a child, and it’s been a dream of his to build a skating rink in Night Vale. Williams said skate rentals are half off during this opening rink, and there will be music by local DJs every Friday night.

Williams also clarified that there is absolutely no way there is any underground city living below the rink.

“I double checked, triple checked,” Williams said. “There’s no way a portal to another civilization could be under there, because I built the skating rink on top of the old pet cemetery. No confrontational nation will come from the ground and attack us.”

Teddy said he did hear occasional growls and hisses, and even a few loud bird-like shrieks coming from the walls, but this is most likely just the ghosts of the dead animals whose corpses he disturbed when building the rink.

“It’ll be fiiiiiiine,” he added, as Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock n’ Roll” played loudly in the background.

The City Council announced today that flowers look especially pretty.

“Everyone go smell the flowers!” they snarled wistfully in unison. “Have you ever smelled one of those things? Just so full of color, and musk, and fluffy yellow dust. Here, smell this!” And they threw daisies all over the surprised reporters.

The Council asked if the sun looked like it was smiling.

“We just stare at that thing all day!” they sneered lovingly. “We think it is the kindest thing in the sky! Look!” The City Council then pointed up at the windowless conference room’s dropped ceiling.

Well, it’s so nice to hear the City Council in a good mood! I can’t think of the last time they’ve sounded so hopeful and cheery. Have they ever been in a good mood?

But you know, everyone here at the station, too, has been uncharacteristically friendly the past few days. Station Management, who…I only ever see as shadows and glowing orange lights in the corner office, and who regularly scream and– and cause the building to shake when the ad sales team doesn’t make quarterly goals…has been buying donuts for the staff. They also bought us a new claw hammer and a stone pounding board for making coffee.

Plus, this morning, they left a card on my desk thanking me. Yeah! Station Management, thanking me, and giving me a raise! I didn’t even know I was getting paid! Oof!

Well, so many people having a lovely day, I hope you’re having one too, Night Vale.

Our new sheriff followed up the City Council press conference with a report on the growing number of strangers in Night Vale. These strangers appear out of nowhere, and do not visibly move, other than their even, deliberate breaths. Sometimes they are suddenly closer, without anyone seeing them take a step.

The sheriff said they think the strangers are just people from Desert Bluffs, who have abandoned their wretched city to come live in Night Vale, but that the Secret Police are looking further into rumors that the strangers might be something else entirely.

When pressed about their opposition to Mayor Dana Cardinal’s financial assistance of Desert Bluffs, the sheriff brought out a several foot-high stone and sculpted an intricate series of interconnected geometrical shapes, each one balancing the next. The reporters watched the Sheriff for hours, until the sculpture was complete.

The Sheriff then added that they do not oppose the mayor on all issues.

“In fact, Mayor Cardinal is a good mayor. We just disagree on the issue of how to fight crime,” the sheriff said, still tightly gripping their stone carver. “For instance, I agree with the mayor about needing to open the Dog Park to dogs and people! I love dogs! I think it would be great if folks could take their dogs into the Dog Park.”

The sheriff then said that they saw the cutest beagle puppy the other day. Really, really cute! The sheriff leaned close into the mic and said, “Such a good boy! Gooooood doooooooooooooooog!”

Listeners, um, I’m getting word that the City Council was just seen in public, walking across the front lawn of City Hall, each of them carrying matching black cases. Witnesses were stunned, as the City Council is rarely seen outside of City Hall – despite their constant vacations.

Some reported that they heard the Council whistling Mariah Carey’s “Always Be My Baby,” but others reported that that must have been the bluebirds fluttering around just above their heads.

Some eyewitness accounts said that the Council wasn’t even walking, they were “strolling.” When has the City Council ever strolled? We didn’t know their bodies were even anatomically capable of that!

Someone else said, “Well that looks like skipping to me.” But that’s just ridiculous. Skipping? Is the City Council leaving town on another vacation? What put them in such a good mood?

More on this as it develops.

And now, a word from our sponsor. Here with that is Deb, a sentient patch of haze…and also, I think, our ad sales manager here at the station.

Deb: Oh, I don’t work for the station.

Cecil: But you regularly provide me with copy for our live spots. Oh, and you also read ads from various companies on the air. Do you work for an ad agency?

Deb: Cecil, please.

Cecil: But this is my show. If you don’t actually work at the station, or for the companies you’re pitching, I’d kind of like to know who you work for.

Deb: Shhh. Not everything can be an emergency.

Okay, then.

Human listeners, today’s show is brought to you by Pfizer. What does Pfizer do? What doesn’t Pfizer do?

Whoo! All the things Pfizer can help you with! We can’t even begin to describe it to you.

You know what? Pfizer is indescribable. How can you put it into words what Pfizer does? You can’t. You wouldn’t. No, you you absolutely would not. You would not dare describe what we do.

You’re still trying to describe us in your mind, aren’t you? Maybe Pfizer wasn’t articulate enough. Maybe Pfizer can’t trust you. You have betrayed Pfizer. Don’t say no.

Did you just say no?

Why are you always arguing with us!?! We give, and give, and give, and we never ask for anything other than money in return. We only ask for money, and that you try not to describe us in words! And what do you do? You give us lots of money, but you also try to describe us in words!

Pfizer. We can’t even with this right now.

Oh, stop!

Cecil: It sounds like you work for the pharmaceutical industry…

Deb: No, not you too, Cecil! I can’t be here anymore!

[Door slams]

Cecil: Wow! The door didn’t even move. I’m not even sure how she slammed it.

Listeners, I’m being – [chuckles] – I’m being distracted. Uh, intern Kareem has been pestering me to allow him to go skating. Since Station Management seems to be out of the office, he thinks now is the perfect time to take a long break and go check out the new Desert Flower Skating Rink.

Uhh…okay, I’m gonna let you go, Kareem, but only because it’s a news story. I want a full report on the new facility, okay? This is still your work time, Kar–

Oh. He just skated away. I need to sit him down and talk to him about professionalism. And where he got cool skates like those. They had lightning bolts on ‘em.

But first, we’ve just received a call from a controversial figure. Calling in from the jailhouse (I presume), while on trial.

Listeners, let’s go now to an exclusive interview with literal five-headed dragon Hiram McDaniels.

Hello, Hiram.

Hiram’s gold head: Howdy, Cecil. Uh, thanks for letting me on your show. I just, uh, wanted to call in and…y'know, clear up a few things about this trial.

Hiram’s green head: We will burn the courthouse to the ground! We will char the already charred remains of the human judge and jury!

Cecil: My understanding is that the jury is not all human. It’s a jury of peers, Hiram.

Hiram’s gold head: Well, now, uh, my green head is speaking metaphorically.

Hiram’s green head: We will scorch the scales of justice!

Hiram’s gold head: Yeah, like that.

The thing is, Cecil, uh, they are using computers to simulate five-headed dragons on the jury, but now they’re saying that a single five-headed dragon computer program counts as five separate jurors. So they’re only making one computer and then choosing seven human jury members. That hardly seems fair.

Hiram’s gray head: They don’t respect us at all.

Hiram’s gold head: No, no they don’t, gray head. They really don’t.

Plus, no computer can recreate the complexities of sentient dragons.

Hiram’s gray head: It’s offensive.

Cecil: Well, I know they looked for actual five-headed dragons, but there aren’t many out there that the city can find.

Hiram’s gold head: Well, my sister Hadassah is in town. I think she should be considered.

Cecil: Family members of the accused generally aren’t allowed on juries. But also, one of your heads, the violet one, is going to be a witness against you at the trial. Uh, how are things going within your own body?

Hiram’s gold head: They’ve put a hole in my cell wall so my violet head can be outside of the jail, since, uh, he is not charged with any crime.

Hiram’s violet head: I can hear you conspiring against me!

Hiram’s green head: Quiet, you traitorous stink! I will chew you from–

Hiram’s gold head: Hey, easy, Green. You’re not allowed to talk to Violet anymore. It would be witness tampering.

Hiram’s blue head: We shouldn’t even be talking to the media. Our lawyer said anything we say can be used in the trial.

Hiram’s gold head: My blue head is right, Cecil. I just wanted to use my phone call to get the word out about the unfair practices going on in this trial.

Hiram’s gray head: It is so unfair.

Cecil: Well, I’ll certainly look into this. Uh, are you having an okay day otherwise, Hiram?

Hiram’s gold head: I sure am, Cecil. Eh, despite my circumstances, everyone’s in pretty good spirits today. They, uh, served raw lamb in the mess hall and they let us watch a whole hour of the Lee Marvin marathon on the C-SPAN this afternoon.

Hiram’s green head: They showed Death Hunt! It was his finest work as an actor!

Hiram’s gray head: I think Gorky Park was one of his more interesting roles. But yeah…Death Hunt is pretty good.

Hiram’s blue head: Lee Marvin is a lighthouse in a stormy cinematic sea.

Hiram’s violet head: I personally prefer Cat Ballou!

Hiram’s green head: Silence, you withered newt!

Hiram’s gold head: All right there, Green.

Hey, uh, thanks for taking my call, Cecil.

Cecil: No, thank you, Hiram.

We’re getting good news from Teddy Williams down at the new skating rink that there are record crowds. So many people are showing up to skate. He didn’t realize how popular roller skating would be here.

We’re also getting bad news from Teddy that all of the lights have gone out. He’s hearing deep growls coming from not only the ghost pets in the walls, but loud shouts and snarls coming from the skaters themselves. He cannot see who it is, but he can definitely smell the metallic briny stench of blood.

He did not care to elaborate about how he is so familiar with the smell of blood, just that he’s sort of an expert in the matter and it’s definitely blood, and that no one else should come to the skating rink.

He whispered all of this from underneath the turntable of the DJ booth.

He reported seeing looming shadows in the near-black, the shadows of hulking figures with what appeared to be either antlers or very elaborate hats. He could feel the floor trembling beneath him, as if there were a stampede of beasts or a clash of angry gods.

Williams reported that he just once – just one time in his life! – wants people to be able to play arcade games and skate and bowl and drink sodas without fearing for their safety.

Listeners, do not go to the skating rink. And for those of you already there, take cover! Do not come out from your hiding place! Not even if they put on Pat Benatar!

As I wait for further news from Intern Kareem at the skating rink, let me take you now to the weather.

[“Thinking of Milk” by Tristan Haze]

Despite having a terrifying start, the new skating rink sounds like a huge success, and everyone seems to be having fun again.

It is clear now what has happened.

Intern Kareem said that when he arrived at the skating rink, he saw almost everyone from Night Vale. Leann Hart from the Daily Journal, John Peters (you know, the farmer?), Old Woman Josie, and the beings Kareem insists on calling angels. Judge Siobhan Azdaq, even the City Council was there! Their black cases were all opened, revealing white retro skates with thick red and blue piping.

It was a feel-good atmosphere on a feel-good day.

Kareem bought a soda, filled it with every flavor from the fountain, and put his bag in a locker. “Electric Lady” by Janelle Monáe was on and he raced to the floor to have his first skate to his favorite song, only to see a group of hulking figures with elaborate hats enter. Kareem stopped dead in his tracks, standing and shivering in front of this menacing group.

Kareem had never seen them before, but he recognized them immediately by their sound and their smell as the management of this radio station.

Kareem stiffened up and prepared an explanation, that he was here to work, uh, to report on the new skating rink, and– and that he was not slacking. But Station Management did not seem to notice him. They were gazing across the room at the City Council who, by this point, had all donned short shorts and headbands, and were twirling and spinning in unison around the rink.

Just as Beyoncé’s “XO” started playing, the City Council and Station Management all made eye contact. Station Management and City Council skated toward each other, and everything went dark. The record player scratched, and all went quiet…save for horrifying growls and animal screeching.

Kareem could smell something briny and metallic, like olives.

While everyone scrambled to hide in fear, Kareem – himself a young man in a new relationship – knew exactly what was going on. He put on the night vision goggles we require every one of our interns to carry at all times, and he watched as Station Management and the City Council met in the middle of the rink, joining arms, skating in slow happy circles, intermittently placing heads on shoulders, wanting to sneak kisses, but uncertain of the right moments, dozens of figures with hundreds of fingers all intertwined in defiance of our understandings of physical dimension, sighing hotly with romantic need and burning anticipation.

The City Council had brought live rodents, and they held them up gingerly to Station Management’s mouths, as Management chewed off pieces of the screaming creatures. When Station Management finished devouring the last bites, the City Council adorably brushed pieces of tail and fur from Station Management’s face, letting their fingertips (or…whatever it is at the end of whatever those appendages are) linger.

After a few circles around the rink, Management and the Council left together.

The aftermath of their budding romance is clear among the brand new polished hardwood floor of the skating rink, swirling hearts strung together, carved into the wood with their wheels.

The lights are back on now. Everyone is skating again. The stereo is blasting Parliament’s “Flash Light” with Hanson’s “Mmmbop” coming up next.

As a person in a long-term relationship, I know how fulfilling long love can be. I also remember the days of being single, and that is also fulfilling. But nothing is quite so thrilling, so unexpected and uncertain, as that moment in between those two states – single and in love. That short fire burst of irrational passion for a person…or people…or multidimensional entities you barely know but with whom you maybe want to be with always?

You know the thrall of hopeless wanting, where you long to hold the other so tightly as to become one. You think it is love, even when it is not. Love is patient, and understanding, and turbulent, and rock-like, ever confident in itself. But this early infatuation, these addictions to a new other, are some of life’s most fragile and ecstatic moments.

Well…I’m so happy for City Council and Station Management. They make a cute…couple.

Kareem said that he also saw former intern Maureen, her new puppy, and some boy in a hoodie all brooding in the corner. Maureen appeared to be making sardonic jokes at the expense of the new couple, and at the expense of the idea of dating itself.

Kareem said the dog was really cute, but there was something about the sight of Maureen and the hooded boy and the puppy that upset him. I told Kareem, “No, she’s always like that.”

Stay tuned next for the best hits of the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s, 2010s, 2020s, and beyond.

And as always, goodnight Night Vale. Goodnight.

Today’s proverb: Be careful what you wish for because it probably won’t come true, and life is mostly about expectation management.