01/09/2016 20:44:27 ¶ ●

## Episode 93 - Big Sister

Find it in your heart. You’ll need to break past the ribs, and then scoop it out. But it’s in there, and you need to find it. Quickly.

Welcome to Night Vale.

To start the news today, there’s a bake sale this Saturday afternoon at Night Vale Elementary. This is to raise money for a new sculpture to honor the great contributions made by the current School Board president, the Glow Cloud.

The Glow Cloud is mighty and magnificent! All hail the powerful Gowing Cloud which rules our every desire, our every action, our very existence! All hail that which did not create us, but can certainly destroy us.

The sculpture will serve as a physical manifestation of our fealty to the benevolent (yet oppressive) Cloud, who has helped increase standardized test scores at every school, as well as graduation rates at Night Vale High. The Glow Cloud (ALL HAIL!) also helped to build a brand new Fine Arts Center and rehearsal studios for music programs at the junior high, so good work! Well deserved.

In unrelated news, several five-headed dragons have been seen around Night Vale. Night Vale’s most famous five-headed dragon (really the only dragon we know in Night Vale) is Hiram McDaniels, who is currently in prison, slated for execution for his attempt to kill Mayor Dana Cardinal.

None of these new dragons are Hiram, but they’re all five-headed and quite large.

My intern Kareem reports that the apparent leader of these new dragons is Hadassah McDaniels, Hiram’s sister. Not sure what their intentions are, but…I bet they’re innocuous. Just some dragons passing through!

Kareem argues that their intentions seem rather sinister. For instance, they nearly burned down the Pinkberry by the mall.

You know, a few weeks ago I asked for mochi on my order at that Pinkberry, and they put crushed peanuts on it, as if anybody likes that garbage? So, I don’t know. Innocuous, sinister…six one way, half a dozen the other, 1.5 times 4 another way.

Listeners, can I just take a moment to thank our intrepid intern Kareem? He’s been at the station for a long time, a dedication few of our interns have ever shown. In fact, most radio interns leave in the first few weeks, never to be heard from again. Not Kareem! He’s truly loyal to this station and to his radio dreams. I think he’ll have a long career ahead of him.

Haha! Kareem is cocking his head and raising one eyebrow at me. Kind of a face-based thumbs-up, I suppose.

Ha! You’re welcome, Kareem!

Let’s have a look now at sports.

The Night Vale High School Scorpions kick off their season this Friday night at Memorial Stadium against the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors. Night Vale’s new quarterback, sophomore Mallory Willingham, won the starting job over junior Henry Lexington, who really struggled last year with some of the basic concepts of throwing…like which arm to use.

In the season finale last December, Lexington brought a third arm he found in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s. He used that arm to throw for five touchdowns in a victory over the Stone Meadow Shark Nurses. But even with this impressive finale, coach Nazr al-Mujaheed said he preferred the consistency Willingham brought to the position.

“Willingham has great vision!” coach al-Mujaheed said, while crouching behind a large cardboard box in the corner of his office. “She can see things no one else can!” the coach screamed, his body quivering. “She can see your soul, right into it!” he whispered, while still screaming.

“She’s coming! Hide! She’s coming!” he said, suddenly, as he barricaded his office by hammering wood planks over the door.

Willingham sounds like just what this team needs to make the playoff once again.

Tim Langley, head of the Night Vale chapter of the NRA, announced today some changes to their charter, saying that, from now on, the NRA will no longer use the words gun, rifle, pistol, semi-automatic, or revolver. Instead, those words (and related words) will be replaced by the word “kitten.” As in “Kittens don’t kill people, people kill people” and “Going down, kittens a-blazing” and “well, if you’re holding a kitten to my head…”

Langley said the word “gun” carries too many negative connotations, while the word “kitten” does not. Langley stressed the importance of positive language when attempting to rally a public behind an organization with such monstrous political beliefs.

Langley and the NRA then distributed flyers across town that read, “Don’t let the government take our kittens!” which caused several excited residents to call City Hall. They demanded to know whether the government truly planned to come to their homes and take away their kittens. Because, the residents said, their cat just had a bunch of kittens, and they’re having trouble finding homes for them. So, if the government wants to take some kittens, please, by all means, come to our house and take them!

This then excited the members of the City Council, who apparently eat kittens. They ruched out, answering every call for kittens. But then, upon seeing that many of the residents who had kittens also had guns in their homes, well the City Council ordered the guns removed.

“Yeah, we’ve lost our appetite for kittens,” the Council snarled in unison. “We’re now entering every home in Night Vale and taking away your guns.

An update on the dragons:

Kareem scored a prison interview with Hiram McDaniels. Hiram’s gold, green, blue, and gray heads have been sentenced to death for trying to kill Mayor Cardinal. According to Kareem, Hiram has been shackled inside a large stone room. Just outside his barred window, Hiram can see prison guards inflating colorful mylar balloons that read, “Execution Day” and “Congrats” and “Lordy, Lordy, Guess Who’s 40?” – but “40?” has been crossed out and replaced with a hand-written “Being Terminated!”

His violet head will be spared, since he did not participate in the attack on the mayor – and, in fact, thwarted the assassination attempt. Just last month, Hiram’s violet head received the Sheriff’s Black Heart Medal for Bravery and Service to the Community. Sheriff Sam themself pinned it right onto Violet’s thick scaly skin.

Kareem reports that in spite of his pending execution, Hiram is in good spirits. Hiram’s gold head told Kareem, “Son, I’m not worried. I’ve got some plans in the works. Some really smart plans.” Then Hiram winked four times, with one eye on each of his hour heads up for execution.

Violet did not wink, only glowered, saying, “It’ll never work! The government will find out!”

Hiram’s green head snarled, “Complaining is not a strategy! We need solution-based contributions!”

Kareem asked Hiram if these plans involved inviting his sister and all the other dragons into town. Hiram went silent.

“Now…now, that’s not it at all!” his gold head replied.

“That’s not logical! It makes no sense for her to be here,” Hiram’s blue head stated.

“Night Vale is doomed, but I am too, so who cares?” his gray head concluded.

More on this as it develops. But first, a word from our sponsor.

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You like Castle. It’s a good show. Let’s say it’s your favorite scene from Castle where Rick and Alexis reconcile their differences after an important court case.

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Time consuming, isn’t it? Perhaps you should get a Samsung smart TV. We’ll flicker all these images and stories at you without you even having to move! No offense, but we’re much faster at it than you are. Also, Nathan Fillion looks nothing like that. Did you think we said Nathan Lane? I mean, he’s a talented actor too, but he was never on Castle. Were you thinking of Modern Family? We bet you were thinking of Modern Family

Samsung. Stop drawing on your wall!

Intern Kareem says he has seen Hadassah in downtown near City Hall, accompanied by several other multi-headed dragons. She’s a full ten feet taller than Hiram, and like Hiram, Hadassah has exactly five heads. But instead of being several different colors, each are green. Each one shouts simultaneously (overlapping, though; not in unison), “Bring me my brother!” and “I will crush your human skulls in my claws!” and “That’s not a knife, this is a knife!” And then, arcing toward the sky, a great breath of fire – which Kareen said did not resemble a knife at all.

Just an aside, listeners, Kareem has always been a bit of a cynic. He used to say he didn’t think Hiram McDaniels wasn’t really a five-headed dragon, but an elaborate metaphor I made up for a dangerous man. A strange point of view for a young man who openly acknowledges the existence of angels, so…I hope he understands now that Hadassah’s knife comment was a metaphor. The dragons themselves are a literality.

Anyway, it’s good that these young interns get a chance to see the world for themselves, rather than just in textbooks and classrooms. I do hope that Kareem is getting a lot lot out of the–

…And I just got word from Kareem that he thinks he broke his ankle diving out of the way of Hadassahs’s flaming breath as she stormed towards City Hall.

I don’t use metaphors lightly, Kareem. Dragons are real, young man!

Mayor cardinal and Sheriff Sam have appeared on the steps of City Hall.

Kareem, who is trying ti maintain consciousness in the face of crippling pain, says they are confronting Hadassah directly. Dana is extending an open palm as a welcoming show of peace. Sam is clenching their shotgun and shouting at the dragons, “Keep your wig on, you overgrown salamanders!”

Behind them, a large cloud – glowing and rumbling, dropping dead animals. ALL HAIL! a few of the dragons are whispering upon seeing the cloud approach.

But not Hadassah.

Dana is waving a hand to both Sam and the Glow Cloud to stand down, bu the dragons are closing in on her.

Listeners, has Hadassah come to finish what Hiram started? I told Kareem to get out of there (but also to get closer to the action – really try to get that story) but also to gt very far away.

As we wait to learn Dana’s fate, let me take you know to the weather.

[“Mary On a Wave” by Okkervil River]

Kareem has gotten himself to the hospital to get his ankle looked at. Seems he’ll need to be in a cast for a few weeks, but fortunately, before he passed out from the pain, he managed to get a report of what happened at City Hall.

Mayor Cardinal stepped toward Hadassah and welcomed her to the city. Dana was cautious, and graceful.

Hadassah sneered at Sam and their shotgun, until Dana told Sam to lower the weapon. Hadassah screamed at Dana, “We do not come in peace. We com with lawyers!”

Then several of the dragons behind her retched fire into the sky…apparently in agreement? Or to signal that they were the lawyers? Or perhaps they saw some idiot bird fly too close to them?

Hadassah introduced her cousin, Miriam Adleman, and two of her close friends, Tara Partridge and George Andrews, who are all lawyers brought here to discuss the imprisonment and threatened execution of the citizen of their world.

Sam said, “You’re not welcome here,” and then, to empathize their point, crafted a papier-mâché horn-of-plenty filled with artichokes.

Hours later, after Sam finished the sculpture, Dana said, “but you are welcome here! We welcome all people!”

Hadassah said, “We are not people!”

Dana disagreed. “You are sentient, you have cares, you have families and careers, and community. You love and you fear others. I respect you and you respect me, because we are all people, even if we are not all human or dragon. Respect does not need to include “getting along with” or “fully understanding,” but simply acknowledging that those things are possible. Because of sovereignty and sentience. Because we respect people as people, you are welcome in Night Vale.”

There was a long silence. Then, Sheriff Sam slapped their forehead and groaned. “What are you doing, mayor? This is a blinking disaster!”

The Glow Cloud shrunk away, disappointed (or scared…or possibly bored, or something). It’s hard to tell exactly how clouds feel just by looking at them.

Dana and Sam argued over how welcome the dragons were until Hadassah roared, “THANK YOU MAYOR!” and Miriam agreed. Her beige head saying, “This will do nicely. I’ll find ourselves a suitable extended-stay Hotel.

Miriam’s maroon head said, “I normally don’t trust humans, but…she seems kind.

Miriams’s purple head uttred, “Kindness and trust are not related.”

Dana and the dragons shook hands/claws, as did Sam (although reluctantly).

Hadassah shouted, “We begin negotiations next week!”

So it looks like we have some new residents in Night Vale! I really appreciate Dana and her openness to people from all backgrounds. She’s one of the kindest and most fair people I know. I cannot think of a better mayor.

But, given what happened to Kareem today, I’m worried about the violent nature of dragons. Not that they’ll intentionally destroy us, necessarily, but just the physical destruction that comes with beings a dozen times your size.

Oh, Kareem just texted me, by the way. I guess he’s listening to the show right now from the hospital. He says, “When elephants dance, the grass gets trampled.”

Hmm. Kareem sounds confused. There are no elephants in town, and every little grass, so…you know what? I’m going to text Kareem back and explain to him what an elephant is. I mean, he may not know.

Stay tuned next for the sound of distant drums and cannons.

And as always, goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.

Today’s proverb: Drive it like you stole it, but you stole it because you really loved it, and you would not like to see it damaged. Basically, drive carefully.

15/09/2016 20:15:09 ¶ ●

## Episode 94 - All Right

[Transcriber’s note: This episode is designed to be listened to with headphones]

It’s all right. All right. Allll right. Allllllll right.

Welcome to Night Vale.

[From right ear only]

Listeners, your headphones are not malfunctioning. I assume you are wearing headphones, as instructed by that Sheriff’s Secret Police mandate last week. This was for your protection and safety, and also to boost headphone sales, now that the city has acquired a local headphone manufacturer as a municipal asset.

I am reporting today only from your right ear. Or, if you have difficulty hearing in that ear, simply reverse your headphones so that you can easily hear me with one ear. Please remove the headphone from the ear that you are not hearing me from. I need you to be able to hear the world around you. This is vitally important to your continued survival.

We have been informed that a very dangerous creature has accidentally been released into Night Vale by the federal government, and it could be any place that this radio signal reaches. It could be near you now, hungry, hunting.

When asked for specifics about the creature, representatives from the government said, “What creature?” and whistled nonchalantly, while tossing out leaflets with titles like “Running: A Healthy Hobby, But Futile Against the Beast” and “What To Do When You are Doomed.”

Please, throughout today’s broadcast, keep one ear open to what is around you. Listen for what could well be stalking you. This creature is an expert at stealth. A brutal, perfect killer. Any noise you hear, no matter how slight, no matter how seemingly normal, could be the claw step, the tip of the tentacle, the opening of the jaws of this monster.

Keep one ear open, and keep one ear on my voice.

And now, the news.

Citizens in Old Town Night Vale are reporting a weird sound. It’s not the usual racket of the sun setting (which just seems to get louder every day). No. It’s something underground. A “wum wum wum wum.”

Here, I know. Put your finger in the ear that doesn’t have a headphone. Go on, no one is looking. Create a seal around the ear canal. Now slightly lift that finger. Now put it back. Slightly up, and then sealed again. That is the exact sound Old Town Night Vale is hearing from below them. Finger slightly up, and then–

Oh. Oh, no. Somebody saw you with your finger in your ear! That is so embarrassing! You must be very embarrassed right now.

Um, try to play it off as an itch. You were just scratching your ear! No weird stuff!

(I don’t think they believed you.)

The local water utility said that the sound is just routine sewer work, designed to maintain an efficient waste system in our community, and provide better defenses against the snakes who live in the sewers and often come up out of pipes, curled up in toilets and bathtubs, waiting for us. If you are near a bathroom, go ahead and listen for snakes in there. It’s never a bad time to check for that. Head on over. Go inside.

Do you hear a snake? No? Okay, the snake that’s in that bathroom is very quiet. Quiet snakes are even more dangerous. Simply seal up that bathroom ad never go back inside it.

And now, back to the creature that will kill one of my listeners very soon.

Pay close attention to the world around you. Try to pick out the noise of the creature. It could be any noise. Try separating the noises around you by type. The artificial sounds: radios, a car engine, a plane engine, a microwave. The natural sounds: birdsong, wind, the rumble of an earthquake. The unnatural sounds: ghostly footsteps, the crackle of your aura, a psychic scream for help, sent to you by a stranger.

Did anything in those sounds seem out of place?

Hmm. Maybe instead, sort them by pitch. First, take in the low sounds: the rumbles that you feel in the base of you. Then the middle sounds: those that don’t affect you physically, that you only hear rather than experience. Then the high sounds: those that touch first the teeth and the eyes, that scratch at the ears.

Did anything in those sounds seem out of place?

It’s vitally important that you identify the out of place sound around you, as just now, a dangerous creature is coming for you. Its eyes are on you, from a hidden place, and the only chance you have of survival is to hear its approach.

What was that sound from behind you? Probably nothing. But better to check, right?

Of course, you have one ear covered during all of this. An obvious weakness. It knows which side you can’t hear it from, so that is the side it will attack. Maybe we should switch sides, see if it has been coming at you from the right this whole time. Put on the other headphone and take this one off.

[From left ear only]

Okay. Hello from this side. Listen to the sounds coming from your right. Do you hear something like a running toward you, or a hissing growl? That could be it. Do you hear the hum of an air conditioner? That could also be it. It could have switched off your air conditioner, and then imitated that dull breathy drone you had long since tuned out, using that sound to cover its approach, only seconds now from its teeth tearing into your neck!

Okay, switching to this side didn’t seem to help anything. Let’s switch back. Right headphone in, this one out.

[From right side only]

Okay. I’m going to go on with the broadcast now, but keep one ear on the world. Death could come at any moment.

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Today’s show is sponsored by a company that makes more than you’d expect. Sure, they’re famous for that one thing, but did you know they make a whole lot more than that? Look around you! Do you see an object that immediately jumps out? Maybe it’s on the coffee table, or in the cup holder of your car, or on the ground next to the quiet country road you’re walking down. Yes, that thing! That’s the one! We made that! Aren’t you proud of us?

Pick it up. Hold it up to your left ear. What do you hear? Does the object make a sound? Is it possible that other sounds you thought were coming from other sources are actually coming from the object itself?

No? Oh, my! Aren’t we very confident about how the world works!

Rub it against your face. You don’t want to do that? Because it’s heavy – or it was just sitting in the dirt, or because it’s alive. Hey, we made this thing. We made it just for you! Don’t be ungrateful! Just touch it once to your cheek so you can feel the quality we built into it.

Did the sound that it’s making change at all? Maybe you’ve made it happy! Or angry.

Shake it once. Did that change its sound? Did that change its mood? Is it making a buzzing sound? If it is, put it down, it’s definitely angry now. Uh, in fact, maybe you picked up the wrong thing and that wasn’t the thing that we make. That might have been a wasp nest.

We’re sorry we told you to hold a wasp nest up to your face.

Kleenex. We make more things than you think. But not wasp nests.

Sorry.

And now for the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner. Today we will be exploring the mystries of interaction.

Say hello. Out loud.

“Hello!”

Good!

Did anything say “hello” back? Then you are now in a conversation!

Did nothing say “hello” back? Then you might still be in a conversation with something very quiet. Best to be polite and carry on so as not to rudely call attention to their silence.

“How are you?” you should say.

Listen for the answer.

“I myself am doing well,” you will say now. And then say, “Troubles that once seemed insurmountable turned out to be just a tone of the wind, you know?”

See if whatever you’re having a conversation with knows.

“And how are the kids?” you might ask. Maybe they don’t have kids, in which case indicate that you are asking about the general state of children, the condition of the youth worldwide.

Maybe they recently lost a child, and this is a very painful topic for them.

You should have thought of that. Your words are knives, and like knives, they can be useful and constructive, but with one careless slip they can seriously hurt someone.

You should apologize. Even if they weren’t hurt by these words, they might have been hurt by other words, words you never considered as potentially hurtful.

“I’m sorry,” you should say now. And then say, “Well, okay. Goodbye. Sorry again.”

And that is how interaction works.

This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

City Council is announcing that efforts to capture the terrible creature terrorizing Night Vale have not gone well. They fear they won’t be able to capture it before it has eaten someone – someone who is listening to me speak, with one ear, right now.

It might be best if everyone listening to this moved to a different location. Maybe somewhere else would be safer. If possible, move to a different location now. Try to find a new and completely different set of sounds to work with. That might help!

It probably won’t. Probably nothing can save you, but worth a shot, right?

Have you moved somewhere else? Listen to the new set of sounds available to you. Do you hear one specific sound above the rest? Good! City officials believe that sound is safe. Move toward that sound.

Wonderful. You are doing great…is something it would be good to believe just in case you die right now. That way you’ll die thinking something happy.

Get as close to the sound as possible. Do you feel safer near it?

Uh-oh. City Council said that they mistyped. By the way, did you know that City Council finally got a cell phone? Just one cell phone. They share one, and so there’s a lot of fighting over it and most of the texts they send are random letters or the dance emoji over and over.

Anyway. Their text was wrong. That noise is actually very likely the sound of the terrible thing hunting you. You are right on it! Get as far from that noise as you can! Get away now!

For those who weren’t devoured when we accidentally told you to get close to the sound, uh, let’s have a look at traffic.

Traffic is really humming along today.

Hey! Speaking of humming, you know how it sounds completely different when you have your ears covered versus when your ears are open? What does it sound like when you have half of your ears covered, you do think?

Hum to yourself. No, louder than that! We’ll never discover new things about the world if we don’t put ourselves out there!

Oh. If the creature is stalking you, than it already knows exactly where you are. Trying to keep quiet won’t save you.

Hum.

Interesting! So that’s what that sounds like!

In your own time, compare it to having both ears open and both ears closed.

Also, a horrible accident on Route 99 happened while I was talking about humming, and the highway is now closed in both directions until everyone feels emotionally prepared to drive again.

This has been traffic.

Oh no! I’m being told via several frantic texts from City Council that the monster is going to attack in just moments!

They also sent another long string of dance emojis.

If you are the target of the monster, then the end of your life is imminent. I need you to pay close attention to the sounds of the world around you. I need you to listen for the terrible creature so close to you that its breath could easily be mistaken for a slight breeze, or for a stream of air blowing from a window or a vent.

Turn around, slowly, in a circle. If you cannot turn, just pivot your head.

Try to identify which of the sounds you hear is going to kill you. When you have heard a sound that seems most likely to kill you, stop and face that sound.

Try to keep your eyes on the apparent source of the sound. Hope that you haven’t guessed wrong. Hope that you are not moments from a fierce and sudden pain.

Actually, on the off chance that you are about to die, it’s probably best you don’t see it coming. Close your eyes, put your other headphone on.

[From both ears]

Yes. We’re listening to me on both sides now. We’re going to keep our eyes closed, and wait to see if we die.

And while we wait, let’s have a look at the weather.

[“Plough” by Speedy Ortiz]

[From right ear only]

Listeners, those who can still hear me, hey! You can still hear me! An you can still hear the world around you! Yes, we’re back over here now. Please take the headphone off your other ear so you can savor the sounds of the world around you. And your ability to hear them, when you are not dead.

So, you were not eaten by a hidden creature watching from the shadows. A false alarm, everything is fine.

A false alarm for you, I mean. Not for Night Vale resident Wayne Ferry, who was in fact the target of the creature, and was horribly devoured during our weather forecast. Blood smeared on the wall like an ancient language that can express only suffering and terror. The dank smell of the beast heavy in the air, the signs of its passage in the shattered objects, the smashed walls, and the heavy final absence of Wayne.

So, for everyone else, everything is fine! We got all worried over nothing. Whoo!

I know my role. You come to me for escape, loyal listeners. To forget about the world, or…not to forget about it, but to hear its dangers organized, put into a narrative framework, turned into a story that can safely end.

But no matter how deeply you enter into the stories I am telling you, you can never fully escape. The world is around you. You can hear it with one of your ears right now.

Listen closely. What you are hearing is not the sound of a monster. There are no spirits in that sound. No lurking or lurkers, no stalking or stalkers, nothing hunting you. All you were hearing is the sound of the world you live in. And you can put headphones on. You can listen to my voice. But you can never fully escape that world. You are always half there, no matter where the rest of you is.

But in those sounds, in that inescapable world, there is every joy you will ever experience. Every beautiful person you will ever meet. Every wonderful surprise that will ever wonderfully startle you.

It is the good and the bad. It is the sound of the world. A world that will kill you, but also a world that will allow you to live.

And as you exist in this world, half hearing my half voice, remember: you’re all right. You are alllll right.

All right, Night Vale. Goodnight.

Today’s proverb: This is Doritos’ world. We just live in it.