01/12/2016 17:24:30 ¶ ●

## Episode 99 - Michigan

Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. It does not stop.
Welcome to Night Vale.

To start today’s show, I wanted to talk a bit about our indomitable radio intern, Kareem. He’s become such a talented reporter here at the station. Kareem told me this morning that he had written to his family back in his home state in Mitchigan.. Mi.. Mitchigan, to tell them about all the recent events he’s reported on. Like the five-headed dragons and the strangers led by that horrible beagle, and the reopening of the laser tag center at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. They must be really proud of you, Kareem, and all the great work you do. The fantastic stories you’ve gotten to cover here at your internship. Thank you for your good work.

And now, an update.
Many of you have written in with your concerns over Old Woman Josie. Well, good news, listeners. After suffering a broken hip and a series of infections that kept her bedridden most of that time, she is feeling much better. She still needs a cane and occasionally a wheelchair to relieve bodily exhaustion, but she is out and about. I got to see her last Tuesday at the Desert Flower for bowling league night. She hasn’t been able to bowl in nearly a year, but she has not lost any of her skills. She came with her many friends named Erika who claim to be.. [whispers] angels! She bowled a perfect store, cane and all. Her delivery did seem a bit weaker than usual, and her friends often stood right behind her as she rolled the ball. The Erikas would hum, and close their many eyes, and lift their many arms slowly into the air, and Josie’s ball would straighten out, pick up speed, and demolish all ten pins. The opposing team complained she was cheating, receiving help from angels, but that team was promptly arrested for acknowledging the angels’ existence and had to forfeit. Josie, being a good sport, protested their arrest and said the Erikas were indeed angels, and that we should all be free to acknowledge them. No one wanted to arrest a debilitated old woman, so they left it alone.

I’m so glad my friend is feeling better. She looks quite a bit older than I remember, but I’m just glad she’s back at the bowling alley.

Oh? OK. Kareem is telling me I apparently didn’t tell his whole story earlier. I thought we were just talking about what a good job he did, but I guess there’s more. OK then. Kareem says after he wrote his family, he did not receive back a letter of pride and congratulations. He got a letter that said, “LIES!!!!” in all capital letters and several exclamation marks. It continued: “You are a liar. You are a liar and we don’t understand why you are doing this to us. Please do not write us again. You are an imposter.” It is then signed, “Aisha”. Kareem tells me that this is indeed his mother’s handwriting and that is her name. I told him that parents don’t always communicate their love exactly how we would like. Radio is not a lucrative business. Maybe she is just expressing motherly concerns about his career choice and well-being.

He says she’s always been so loving and supportive, so my explanation makes no sense. Part of an internship is learning to receive feedback, Kareem. Well, thanks for the whole story.

And now an update on the dragons. After last month’s accidental murder of one of Hiram McDaniels’ five heads, Hadassah McDaniels, Hiram’s sister, her lawyer Miriam and several other dragons from whatever world they came from, have taken up hopefully temporary residence in Night Vale, claiming they will not leave until they get retribution, by which I’m hoping they just meant a heartfelt apology.

No one has seen or heard from Hiram since the tragedy. Hadassah dug a cave beneath the Ralph’s, where all dragons are now living. Weekday shift manager Charlie Bear said the heat of the dragons’ cumulative breath, even underground, has ruined their produce section. Most of the greens have wilted. The whole store smells like onions now, he said. Bear added, “To be fair, the dragons have been coming up to shop for groceries, so I don’t want to complain about new business, but they don’t like our selection of meats and have been eating a few of our regular customers. And we can’t have that. Or I guess we can,” he said, “as long as they pay for whatever food they take, which they’ve been good about, so..” And then he rattled the loose change in both pockets and lit a cigarette with just his mind.

And now.. ugh, oh god. OK, I thought I was just going to do a quick spotlight on a good intern to start the show, but Kareem is nudging me again, listeners. Apparently, I left some details out of his story. Not everything needs to be a 100 percent accurate account of your personal history, Kareem! This is a radio show, not Patrick Rothfus’s best-selling memoir, “The Name of the Wind”. Your demand for details makes me look bad!

Listeners, Kareem’s really focused on correcting every little fact, which makes him a good reporter.. but also kind of a snitch. So, to start. It seems I’ve been mispronouncing Kareem’s home state of Mitchigan. How do you say it, Kareem? Mitchigan? Right, that’s what I’m saying. Mitchigan. Mmmitcchigan. Mmisshtigan. Mishhigan. Mishhtigan. OK, I’m sorry Kareem, I just can’t hear the nuances of your regional accent.

The point is, listeners, Kareem said that he had sent a second letter home to his family, asking if everything was OK, and if they were happy with his career and how he is living his life. He just wanted to make them proud. He received another letter back in his mother’s handwriting. The letter read: “My son Kareem is in my home. I am looking at him right now. He is tall. He has long black hair and green eyes. He is a beautiful and honest and hardworking boy. He has a birth mark on his right hand, shaped like a salamander. This is not you. You are not this person.” The letter continued: “Kareem is in college studying broadcast journalism. He is not you. I do not know you. Who are you? Why are you pretending to be my son? We cannot find any record of a town called Night Vale anywhere. Please stop writing me, whoever you are.” And then it is signed “Aisha”. Kareem, you are tall, with long black hair and green eyes. You have a birthmark on your right hand. It’s shaped more like a lizard though, so maybe you have the wrong house? Who knows. Just one of those things, I guess. Anyway, thanks for the story, Kareem!

And now an update on our schools. The enormous Glow Cloud – all hail – which serves as president of the Night Vale School Board, called for an increase in education funding to support the influx of new students. After the annexation of neighboring town Desert Bluffs, as well as the new five-headed dragon kids that arrived with the five-headed dragon delegation, Night Vale schools desperately need more teachers and classrooms. Not to mention additional fireproofing. The Glow Cloud – all praise the mighty Cloud – delivered this message via press release scrawled in thick paint across several dead animals, which had dropped from its great translucent body above town. It took reporters several hours to place each of the animals in the correct order to make sense of the press release, but they think they got it. Mayor Dana Cardinal and Sheriff Sam sent out their own press releases, claiming a lack of available funding for the schools. The Mayor said she will look into it, but does not want to raise taxes. The Sheriff simply growled and fired a pistol into a target dummy shaped like a dragon. The City Council, minus newest member Tamika Flynn, shrieked and then left on a beach vacation, saying they needed an increase in sunlight and tropical drinks and that, so what if sometimes they don’t call? It doesn’t mean that they aren’t into a relationship, just that sometimes they’re busy. Here at the radio studio, our brokenhearted Station Management cried quietly in their office, which was a truly off-putting and strange sound.

The Glow Cloud – we are not worthy to rub our faces in the mud before its beneficent presence, oh Maker and Unmaker of All Things – indicated that it would continue to bring up this issue at school board meetings. More on this story as it develops.

Oh god, Kareem, really? Grrr. OK, Kareem is now telling me that he called his parents to talk to them about the letters they sent to him, but a familiar voice answered the phone. It was not his father Raheem, nor his brother Amir.. it was him. [music distorts] Kareem answered his own phone call. Kareem tried to explain who he was to himself, but the other Kareem said that it couldn’t be true, that there was only one him, and he was it. Kareem asked to speak with his mother, but Kareem said, “I don’t know your mother, I only know my mother” and hung up. Kareem said he wanted to go home to see his family. I told him he might be confused by it, but to take a close look at a map of the United States. He did, and was dismayed to find there was no Mintchigan. Mitchigan? Minchigan, I think that’s it, right? He said his home state should be right between Oheeo and Canada, and that it’s shaped like a mitten. I said he’s thinking of Maine which looks like a mitten that’s been wadded up, and you’re looking at it from like a side angle. He said the US map looks correct when he stares at the whole thing, but when he looks closely at where Mitchigan shold be,it’s not there. He’s now pacing in the cubicle area, pulling at his hair, sweating. I’m worried about him. He’s never quite behaved like this before. Um, I’m gonna tell him to go home, visit his family, take some time off work. While I do that,
Here is today’s weather.

[“Quiet Americans” by Shearwater]

Kareem is back already. Said he spent the last two weeks at home. I told him he’d been gone about five minutes, you know, long enough to report the weather. But he pointed to the calendar and, I’ll be darned, he’s right! It’s been two weeks! Huh. That weather report took wayy longer than I thought. Kareem said he took a flight to Grand Rapids, but when he landed, he was back in Night Vale. He tried several flights, even to some of the cities of Detroix and Chycago, neither of which I’ve ever heard of, hoping to just catch a bus or something from there, but all flights landed back at the Night Vale airport. Now Kareem’s a good intern, but not very knowledgeable of how air travel works. The whole point is the joy of flying, not the destination. No one likes going places. They just like the comfort of flying. Airlines send you in the air for a few hours and serve you good food while you relax. Then, they take you home.

The airport having failed him, Kareem got in his car and drove to Mintchigan. He kept getting lost and ending back up where he started, but after days of trying, he finally arrived. He found his family was there, joyfully surprised to see him. He told them about the letters he sent and the ones he received. He was crying. They said they hadn’t heard from him in ages and were starting to get worried. They didn’t receive or write any letters. He asked if he was already there. “Was I home this whole time?” he asked his mother. She just hugged him and said, “You’re here now.” He asked Amir: “Was I here? Did you see me here while I was gone?” Amir said: “You’ll always be here, Kareem.” He asked his father: “Are dragons real? Are there other worlds? Is Satan a beagle puppy?” His father laughed and said: “You were always the funny one!” They embraced.

Kareem stayed for a few days. They had dinners together and watched movies. Kareem tried to talk about his time in Night Vale, but found he was not able to remember any of it. He eventually could not even remember the name of this town he’d been living in for two years, and after a while, he forgot that he had ever been anywhere else at all. He had forgotten Night Vale and his people in his mind, but not in his body. He could feel he was supposed to be somewhere else. He didn’t want to be anywhere else, but he didn’t feel like it was his decision. He fought this feeling for days. Finally, one day, his father asked if he wanted to go see a University of Mitchigan football game. Raheem said: “They’re a talented team this year. It’s been nearly 20 years since they won a title.” Kareem said he thought they won a championship two years ago with someone named Sandero at quarterback. His father said that wasn’t possible, the team was terrible two years ago. Kareem had some errands to run, so he told his family he would meet them at the game. He got in his car, fully intending to see them in less than an hour, but instead he drove and drove, not knowing to where. And after several days with no map or destination, he arrived back in Night Vale. And he remembered his life here again. He called his mother when he got home to tell her he was safe, but she only screamed into the phone saying: “No! No! You’re here! I’m looking right at you! Kareem, you’re here in my home you’re right here in my home. How are you calling me?”

I love our internship program. Kareem has become an excellent reporter and editor. Maybe one day he will replace me here at the station, who knows. But beyond professional development, I want our interns to learn the bigger lessons of life, and love, and family, and death. Kareem hasn’t thought much about aging, I’m sure, but as we get older, as we leave home, we form for ourselves an independent identity, no longer impressed upon by families. We take the last shape they crafted, a partially chiseled stone sculpture, and we are left to try to finish the work ourselves. Hopefully, they have provided good tools. Hopefully, the world teaches us how to better use them. And for the rest of our lives, we are gently hammering away at the curves and crevices of the great masterpieces that are our lives. Sometimes,as we work, we become less recognizable to the families who first shaped us. They critique the craftsmanship, the artistic direction, they worry too much has been cut away or that, quote, “those arms just don’t look proportional”. In some cases, they no longer recognize us for the adults we are. Family expectations are high. But underneath it all, there’s love, and worry, and a knowledge that you will do right for yourself. Your family may not trust that knowledge, but they know they have to try. Kareem is back at his desk, staring at a map of the US, but he doesn’t look fearful or worried anymore. He looks like a young man – a grown man, but still a young man with a purpose. He is a journalist, doing a journalist’s job: to seek truths, to understand the world. I’m proud of him.

Proud of you, Kareem! [chuckles] He’s giving a thumbs up. OK, let’s talk about your editing though, that weather report was like wayyy too long, like five minutes max, OK?

Stay tuned next for the slow, low sounds of enormous plates shifting deep below us. Listeners, I’ll be taking off work in a couple weeks to.. well, just to take some time off. But we’ll be in touch again in the new year.

As always,
Good night, Night Vale, good night.

Today’s proverb: A 4-star hotel will put a mint on your pillow, while a 5-star hotel will put candy bars in your butt.

16/12/2016 0:14:05 ¶ ●

## Episode 100 - Toast

Cecil Palmer [Cecil Baldwin]: I know many of you have a few things you’d like to say. So let me start things off:
Welcome to Night Vale.

Leonard Burton [James Urbaniak]: Hi folks. Leonard Burton here, host of Night Vale Community Radio. Or I was once. I’m not anymore. Anyway… I appeared suddenly at this microphone holding a champagne flute, so I suppose I must be giving a toast. Congratulations. Bon voyage. I’m excited about the new baby, the brand new career.. the graduation, your 100th birthday, whatever is being celebrated. Whatever time is being marked, well done! You’ve done it. Or are about to. Heh heh. What is this party, anyway? Cecil! Is that you? Why, you don’t look a day older than… when you first started working for me.

Faceless Old Woman [Mara Wilson]: You know what’s delicious? Mice. I found out recently I’m allergic though, so if you’ve been noticing more mice in your house, it’s because I get a rash whenever I eat them. Sorry. Everyone’s staring at me now. Oh, and Teddy Williams just fainted. Acting like he’s never seen an old woman without a face holding a glass of Merlot and a microphone. Whom do you think refolds all of your dollar bills into origami spiders and staples them to your ceiling while you sleep, Teddy? Whom?

This is good wine. [sips] What? Don’t look shocked. Can’t an old woman without a face take a drink of wine without public judgment? Just because I don’t have a mouth. Oh, I’ve spilled a little down my dress. Nevermind, that’s just blood. What was I saying? Sorry about the mice infestations everywhere. Maybe if it’s such a bother for you, you could eat them yourselves. Like I said, they’re delicious. Not.. super flavorful. It’s more about the texture, I guess.

Anyway, your future will be filled with love and joy. I can say that much. I don’t mean it but I can say it. [sips] Wow, that’s really good. Cheers!

Diane Crayton [Annie Savage]: I, uh, I’m Diane Crayton. I’m very sorry to cut this short, I have to go, Josh has a dance recital tonight. He grew several extra legs just for this recital. He would be so disappointed. This is great, it’s great. I’m sorry, Josh is getting impatient. I know because he always grows horns when he’s impatient. Cheers, everyone!

John Peters (Mark Gagliardi): Hi folks I’m uh John Peters, you know, the farmer?

Sheriff Sam [Emma Frankland]: Ugh. Yes John, we always know. You’re a farmer, we get it.

John Peters: Oh, OK Sheriff. But I’m happy to be here, happy to be anywhere. As a farmer, I have to think a lot about statistics. For instance, statistically, the world is unlikely to have happened. And so as a pragmatic fella, I have to assume that it didn’t, and that what I’m experiencing is a manifestation of my own denial about the ghastly nothing that surrounds me. To sum up, congratulations! Great party I’m imagining here.

Deb [Meg Bashwiner]: Hi, I’m Deb, a sentient patch of haze. And I’m here to give a toast on behalf of Ritz crackers. You know how you humans have hands, because you’re mentally weak and unable to lift objects with your mind? And you know how you might accidentally jam your hand against something, and a finger might bend painfully back, back so far that the bone snaps? A gunshot within your own body? Pain. [laughs] Unbelievable pain. But before the agony, first comes the simple clean snap. Separation. Pop. Ritz crackers: when you think Ritz, think about breaking your finger!

Also, congratulations. This seems like a.. pitifully mortal affair.

Hiram McDaniels [Jackson Publick]
Gold Head: Hello Night Vale. If you are seeing this, then there must be some sort of party going on that I am not at. I prepared this video from prison, in case there might be a future party that I can’t get to.
Grey Head: Or that I wasn’t invited to, because I don’t think anyone truly likes us.
Green Head: Enough self-pity! We find meaning within ourselves, without waiting for a meeting to be assigned to us! And if anyone doesn’t like it, we burn them alive!!!
Gold: Right right. And also, congratulations to uh, whoever this party we’re not at is for. Whatever reason you’re having a party, good job on that. I’m uh, glad it happened.
Blue Head: I can’t state an emotional response to an event that is still unknown to me, but there is a high probability that I would be happy about this party, yes, except if you’re hearing this then I am not at the party, which means there is a higher probability that I am not happy about it.
Gold: OK, great. Violet, anything you wanna add?
Violet Head: I don’t trust recorded communication. You never know what the government will do with it! I’ll just say congratulations the next time I see everyone!
Gold: OK then. Cheers, y’all.

Michelle Nguyen [Kate Jones]: Happiness is pretty popular, I guess. Everyone’s always trying to be happy, so I don’t really want to be happy. But I am and it’s fine, I guess. Once I ironically went to a Katy Perry concert, but ended up having a great time. Especially the finale, where she peeled off all her skin and proclaimed that beauty is right here. And then she pulled out her own heart and swatted it like a beach ball toward her backup dancers. But then I found out that James Blake used to do the same thing at his shows, so anyway, what I’m trying to say is this is… nice. Or whatever. You’re nice. Good job attempting to be happy.

Intern Maureen [Maureen Johnson]: Yeah, I agree with Michelle. I tried to be happy once when I was 13 just to prove a point. I only made it a couple of weeks, and I gave up when I found out that other people were copying me. I’m happy now, happy I’m here. Also, I’m not mad anymore. No one asked, Maureen, geez! That’s not true though. I asked. I asked myself, “Maureen, are you still angry?” and then I answered that question out loud just now. Anyway, we’re cool, OK?

Michelle: Ugh, did you just say “cool”?

Maureen: NO.

Maggie Penebaker [Erica Livingston]: Hello, I am Maggie Penebaker and this is my husband..
Donald Penebaker [Christopher Loar]: ..Donald Penebaker.
Maggie: If you’d like a joke at the start of this toast, press 1. [laughs] That’s just some telephone menu humor! Now most of you have probably spoken to us at osme point or another, when you’ve called any of your local services and gone through our telephone tree. But today isn’t about us, it’s about a..
Donald: ..celebration..
Maggie: ..of..
Donald: ..love.
Maggie: Here’s to you! Here’s to love! Here’s to our town in which love happens. All of your..
Donald: ..electric bills..
Maggie: ..are due..
Donald: ..immediately.
Maggie: Failure to pay might result in..
Donald: ..a meteor strike.
Maggie: Have a great..
Donald: ..party..
Maggie: ..everyone!

Kevin [Kevin R. Free]: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii all you beautiful happy people! Unfortunately, I couldn’t be there because I was told that if I try to enter Night Vale, you will all attack me! And while that is very welcoming, I’m just too busy in Desert Bluffs 2. But I’m sending this tape to congratulate you. Congratulations! Oh, for those that don’t know me, I’m Kevin.
Lauren Mallard [Lauren Sharpe]: And I’m Lauren.
Kevin: Oh yes heh, Lauren Mallard is here too. Remember her?
Lauren: Most of you might remember me as your boss, when Strexcorp owned your little town. I’ve spent the last couple of years dry-lipped and starving and..
Kevin: [giggles]
Lauren: ..[cheerfully] wandering in endless looping desert Otherworld, before stumbling here on this town that is just like the town once I lived in.
Kevin: And we are tickled to have you here, Lauren! Especially once I explained to you that I’m in charge now, not Strexcorp! [seriously] I’m in charge. [chuckles] [cheerfully] And happy to do it!
Lauren: Yes! Yes it took some um… [beat] explaining. [sadly] But I do understand that now.
Kevin: Well, we won’t take up any more of your time! I know that your hearts must be bursting with joy right now.
Lauren: And nothing makes us happier than bursting hearts! [both giggling]
Kevin: Boom!
Lauren: Oh there it (goes)..
Kevin: Oh Lauren..
[both laugh heartily]
Kevin: We just wanted to send you this video of smiling!
Lauren: Yes, Night Vale, watch us smile!
[unsettling noises]

Joanna Rey [Felicia Day]: What are they doing? I’ve never seen a living thing do that!
Sheriff Sam: Turn that off! Turn that tape recorder off right-

Melony Pennington [Molly Quinn]: Hi, Melony Pennington here. I don’t know who any of you are, but it seems like a good time to say, um, yay! You seem so happy. So that’s good, I think. People can be happy for nefarious reasons, I suppose, so I should temper my comfort a bit. Anyway, while sitting through whatever strange ceremony we just sat through, I fixed some of the bugs in one of my first programming projects. See?
Computer [Fred the OS computer voice]: Welcome to human joy. I a.m. Computer. I brought you a gift.
Melony: The computer is printing out a picture of a gift-wrapped box. Thanks, Computer!
Computer: You are welcome, Melony.

Earl Harlan [Wil Wheaton]: I just wanna add that I’m so happy for this day and I’m so very proud of you both. It’s been a real honor to help cater this event. I hope you like the cake. I made it from scratch, using farm fresh cream, eggs, red snapper and ground cumin.
Melony Thank you, person next to me. I don’t remember your name.
EH: It’s Earl Harlan. Melony, we came to this together. We’ve been friends for years.
Computer: Computer simulates happiness for humanity.
Melony: OK, shutting you down now.

Tamika Flynn [Symphony Sanders]: Hi, I’m sure most of you know me.
Basimah Bishara [Aliee Chan]: Tamika, you’re the best!
Tamika: [giggles] No, Basimah, you’re the best. Unless you mean at unarmed combat, then I’m the best.
Given the occasion, I thought it might be nice to read a passage from one of my favorite books. This is Sonnet 43 from Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s “Sonnet from the Portuguese”.

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
I love thee when thou bringest coffee in bed,
Or suggest that we go to brunch instead.
I eat French toast
But take bites of thine eggs
Like, oh dude,
I love thee with so much grace,
And praise,
And poise and style and pizazz.
Each day’s most quiet need and all that jazz.

Love thee just as much as I love the cave.
That cave in our yard from which voices sound,
Demanding all our smiles, tears, and breath.
When the voices speak,
Time goes all unwound.
Merciful cave,
We grovel, offer flesh.
We will enter the cave,
Crawl underground.
I shall but love thee better after death.

A famous love poem, but for a good reason. May you never forget that at the heart of any strong relationship, there is a cave. A cave you will both someday crawl into and never be heard from again. Cheers!

Basimah: Cheers!

Dana Cardinal [Jasika Nicole]: It is such a big day. As Mayor, I declare that today is a big day. I always knew today would come. Just look at any calendar and you can see every single day that will come. They’re all laid out, right there. For a long time, I thought I wouldn’t get to see today in person, but here I am. Our time and our place matching there within the simple geometry of a monthly planner.

The City Council sends their regards as well. Before they left, they glowered and glowed, and I could hear a soft growl. Not the growl of madness or of being mad; it was the kind of growl you hear from rainwater drains along the curbs late at night. A sweet, caring growl.

Also, our director of emergency press conferences, Pamela, came too. She wanted to wish you the best.

Pamela Winchell [Desiree Burch]: Yes. Thank you, Mayor Cardinal. People of Night Vale. People below Night Vale. And all of the people prepositionally existing somewhere. I’m here to tell you that the planets are all wrong! I have spent weeks staring into the sky, and I can tell you the planets are all wrong. Misaligned, sure, but more than that they are so small! Planets should not be that small! Thank you for listening. Be safe, Night Vale.

Dana: What Pamela means is, congratulations.

Pamela: I refuse to congratulate anything that is not the right size!

Cecil: Oh sorry everyone, I’m being told we need to move this inside because of, well you know..
The weather.

[“Second Song” by Joseph Fink]

Marcus Vanston/ Erika [Marc Evan Jackson]: Yeah, sure, whatever. I have nearly infinite powers, so it’s pretty basic helping you to a mike.

Old Woman Josie (Retta): No need to brag. OK, well. Cecil, I remember when you finally grew old enough to join the bowling team. Who’s this kid think he is? We all thought. And you have to be honest with yourself, you weren’t that good at the time. But you were friendly, and entertaining to talk to. Sometimes it’s more important to have delightful people around you, than it is to succeed at some arbitrary goal you’ve given yourself. That’s one of the many things I’ve learned on my way from Little Josie Ortiz to Old Woman Josie.

And speaking of delightful people, Carlos. You might not have noticed but we’re suspicious of newcomers around here. We tend to point and shout, “Interloper!” But you understood that people are just silly about change, and the older we get, the sillier about change we get. Carlos, you are a delightful person. I don’t know how much longer I have, I guess none of us do. Except those of us who peeked at our death day in the hall of public records. But I lived long enough to see you two on this day. I surrounded myself with delightful people, you can’t hope for a better life than that. Erika! Help me down from here. They’re tired of listening to an old woman talk. They all wanna eat cake. Erika!

Marcus/Erika: Yeah OK, I’m coming. Whatever!

Steve Carlsberg [Hal Lublin]: I’m gonna get emotional, but I’ll try to hold it together. You know, Cecil and I first met at one of these things. Seems like we should have met earlier than that. I had dated his sister for a while. But Cecil’s busy, he- he serves his community. He really gives himself to his community. Who do you live for, you know? Who do you give yourself to? Those are questions we should all be asking ourselves. There are many questions we should all be asking ourselves. Question everything, I guess, would be my main advice. Now the Sheriff is making throat-cutting gestures to me, indicating that I should stop talking about that. And also to threaten that they’ll cut my throat if I keep going. Sorry, Sam!

And Carlos. Unlike most of us, you don’t tell yourself a story of what you want the world to be. You wait for the world to tell you what it is. And then you take it as it reveals itself to you. What a rare and precious gift! When I met you I could tell you saw me for me, not for any stories you’d been told about me. I love you, Carlos. And I love you, Cecil. We don’t always see eye to eye, but more and more, we’ve stood shoulder to shoulder, members of the same family. I’m getting teary-eyed. I said I would!

To Cecil and Carlos. I’m proud to be able to call you family!

Carlos [Dylan Marron]: I said once that a home is just a grouping of object connected by a shared personal experience of time. Which was just a fancy way of really just asking you to move in with me, and um, and it worked. But I wasn’t wrong, and I know now that a relationship is just a grouping of moments connected by that same shared personal experience of time. What it means to make a life together is to take the experience of two different lives and choose to interpret them as a single shared narrative. So in other words, changing the story about you, or the story about me into a story about us. Do you remember before the throat surgery, when I sounded like this?

Carlos [Jeffrey Cranor]: Science is neat.

Carlos [Dylan Marron]: [chuckling] Well, science is neat and I still believe that. But I know now that a lot of things are neat. Having a quiet breakfast with another person is neat. Calling someone over to experience a particularly noisy sunset is neat. This town is neat. Night Vale is neat. Love is neat. Love is, is very neat actually and um, and you are neat. [emotionally] That first night when we sat on the trunk of my car and looked at the lights above the Arby’s? When I got up to leave I looked at you, and I tried to think of how to say everything I was feeling. But I’ve never really been good at describing feelings, I’m only good at describing facts, and love, love isn’t a fact. You know? Love, it’s it’s a hunch at first and then later it’s a series of decisions, a lifetime of decisions. That’s love. And, I didn’t, I didn’t know how to express that and so I just said: “I’m glad I decided to call you.” [tearing up] And now, um, tonight, I say I’m glad again, for this decision and, all the decisions that will come every day after. Which is to say, scientifically speaking of course, speaking from the point of view of mere facts and logic and you know, what with the science and all… I just thought that it was time for us to make a life together.

Cecil: I guess it’s my turn now. [chuckles] It’s funny, I-I-I make my living speaking to you all and now I’m up here and - I don’t quite know what to say! [clears throat] In the last few years, we have experienced truly terrifying things. And wonderful things. We have lost our town, and regained our town. We have met new people, we have met incredible new people. I don’t have to tell you that Carlos has perfect hair, and teeth like a military cemetery, you have eyes, most of you. Sorry, Faceless Old Woman. I-I don’t need to tell you that his voice is oaky, or that his enthusiasm about science is inspiring and also [sexy voice] deeply - erotic. So instead, I will tell you this. It hasn’t always been an easy few years. But through it all, just- just knowing that Carlos was there. That no matter what else happened, we would come back to each other, holding hands like two kids flirting on a first date. That’s what kept me believing in this town. My love for Night Vale and my love for Carlos are the same love. It is the love of someone who has given their life completely to something beyond themselves. I once described Night Vale as a friendly desert community, where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. And it still is. I know nowhere friendlier. I know nowhere hotter. The moon is still beautiful. Mysterious lights still pass overhead, and Carlos, [emotionally] I can’t wait for every night I get to pretend to sleep next to you. [beat] Um, whew, that’s it for the party. Thanks to everyone who came and all the kind things you said.

Stay tuned next for a drunk, [triumphantly] newly married couple, long after the well-wishers have left, piling up bags of garbage and stacking chairs in a rented banquet hall, because they want to get their deposit back.

Lacy [Flor de Liz Perez] Goodnight!

Cecil: Oh yes, thanks, Lacy. And good night, Night Vale, and every person who can hear my voice,
Good night.

Today’s proverb: It’s always darkest before the dawn, we are often reassured by people who are totally wrong about how the sun works.