01/05/2014 13:01:00 ¶ ●

## Episode 46 - Parade Day

[Morse code links throughout the transcript lead to image files with translations seem to have become broken and I don’t have another copy of them so I can’t just re-upload them (tumblr must have deleted them for some reason, though I can’t imagine why), or you can but you can still hover over them to read it]

Act natural. Act like all of nature. Act like the entire cycle of life and death and change and rebirth.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Guess what day it is today, listeners! It’s parade day!

Remember how I told you about the not-at-all-secret parade today at the location we discussed via radio? Remember I publicly announced today’s parade at that specific location? And I announced it, not in a tapped-out code underneath the basketball highlights, but completely in a clear and spoken language? We want everyone at today’s parade, at that time and place we discussed.

[Morse code in background: - . - - - . . - . - . - - . . . - . . … - . - - - - - . . - . - . - . -]

There will be lots of things happening! Planned things, strategic things. There will be some special guests, that are not teenage fugitives named Tamika Flynn. She won’t be there, and thus could not possibly organize any community insurgency at all! She’s a fugitive, wanted for destruction of StrexCorp property, and we wouldn’t want her to show up and ruin our parade day by leading a helicopter rebellion against what she calls – her words, not mine – “a dystopian corpocratic regime.”

[Morse code in background: . - . . . … . . . - . - - . - . . . - - . … . - … - . - . - . . . . - . - . -]

Nope! I would never want to bring down the malevolent [coughing fit] mmm – benevolent corporation that owns our station! In fact, if you see Tamika Flynn, you should probably follow her, and listen closely to what she says to you. Not so you can help overthrow StrexCorp, of course! Not that at all.

Follow Tamika Flynn.

[Morse code in background: . - . . - - . . - - - - . - . - . . - - . - . - - - - - - . . . - . . - - - - … . - - - . . - . - .]

See you at parade day!

In other news, a series of one-sided doors have begun appearing around town. Tomás Perez, head of Perez Accounting, said an old oak door, with a brass knob, appeared overnight in his office. It’s right in front of the doorway of the supply closet. He said he went to get supplies this morning for a staff meeting – pens, markers, a legal pad, some antivenom – but accidentally opened the wrong door, revealing several men and women standing in a bright desert hellscape, holding swords and sticks, and even a few rifles.

Tomás stared at them. They stared at Tomás. One of the barbaric figures put a finger to her lips, and shook her head “no.” Another reached in, grabbed the door, and slowly closed it, keeping eye contact with Tomás the whole way.

Claire Wallace, a freelance photographer, sent in photos of a door that appeared in the empty lot across from the Rec Center. In one photo, the door is cracked open, and there is an elderly woman near it. I cannot see her face. She is putting up a sign that reads “Future home of the Old Night Vale Opera House.” And in another photo she is walking toward the door. Her face is still obscured. In the last photo, the door is shut, and she is gone. I can see the words “Josephina Contracters, Inc.” in small print across the bottom of the sign.

Juanita Jefferson, head of neighborhood improvement organization Night Vale or Nothing, said one such door appeared in her back yard. One side seemed to be an old oak door, with a brass knob. On the other side there was…nothing. She could see no door at all. Juanita said she opened the door from the visible side and saw a vast sandy wasteland, and nearby mountains “which are just illusions,” she added. Atop one of the “mountains” in the door was a lighthouse. She said she couldn’t see any trees.

“Trees,” she said sadly. “They are us,” she added, waving her hand lazily in the air, as if to shoo away a very slow bee.

Reporters then noticed a very slow bee spiraling sluggishly, but recklessly, away from the scene.

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Take a look at your life. What do you see?

Nothing, right? You can see nothing at all. Oh, sure, you think you see a series of flashes and flickers, of shapes and shades of color. You think you see familiar things like faces and letters, and walls, and your own hands.

Those aren’t familiar at all.

You’ve never seen any of that before. Your hands aren’t even your own. Whose hands are they? Who are you? Is this what it is like to die? Are you dying? If not, when? And where will you die? Where and when were you born, even?

Wait – how did you forget your place and date of birth? I understand you can’t comprehend the relentlessness of existence, but your own birthday is pretty easy to remember!

You’ve got more problems than we thought, listener.

OK, fine. Your birthday is July 3rd, and your birthplace was Tulsa, Oklahoma. Feel better?

You don’t, actually. You feel nothing, because your hands were never your own. You are imagining everything, and perceiving nothing.

At least you smell nice. We can at least tell you that.

Irish Spring. Whose hands are these?

Now, let’s have a look at traffic.

There are roads. Upon those roads are cars. Some moving, in straight or gently-curved lines. Some idling, in long, narrow crowds. And inside those cars are people. People who are moving, or idling, with their cars. One with their vehicles, sitting quietly, peacefully in plush chairs, hands resting outward on a circle that dictates direction. From the side, and seen without the car, they would look almost fetal. So vulnerable, these people, nestled in their protective outer shells.

Are we living a life that is safe from harm?

Of course not. We never are. But that’s not the right question. The question is are we living a life that is worth the harm?

[Morse code in background: - - . - - - - - - - . - . . - - . . - - - - . - . - . . - - . - . - - - - - - .]

We are all driving toward something. We are all driving away from something else. It is…the simplicity of physics. The simplicity of free will.

Expect delays as you near the parade day exit, but do not change route.

[Morse code in background: . . . … - . - . - - - - . - - … - . - . . - . . -]

Stay your course.

This has been traffic.

We’re getting more updates about those doors. In fact, I have a very important scientist on the phone right now. He’s at the very top of his field, a really handsome scientist!

> Stop!

Hi, Carlos! So, you said you saw these new doors.

> Yes, I’m here with my research team at the house that does not exist in the Desert Creek housing development. The one that looks like it’s there, but isn’t there? Our previous attempts to understand the home were futile. From the windows it looks completely empty, but when you try to go inside, there’s a fully furnished home and a woman named Cynthia living there.

> But today, all of the composite fiberglass doors on the house suddenly changed. They’re now all old oak doors with brass knobs, and when we opened one, we finally saw the empty house that we’ve been seeing through the windows.

> If you go inside the home from these new doors, you can explore the house that does not exist, but you cannot return unless someone is on the other side of the door you went through.

> One of our scientists, Rachelle, went through, and couldn’t get back out! We only thought she was inside for about 45 minutes, but when we opened the door back up, she ran out saying she’d been trapped for several hours! She was sweating and starving, and she ate every one of the kolaches Dave made for us.

> So now, we just need to do more experiments. We have to be careful, because time is weird in Night Vale. But I’m going to do a bit of exploring in this house, and get back to you and your listeners about what is going on here.

Carlos? Do be careful!

> I’ll be fine, Cecil! I have a team of five talented scientists with me. They will be here to check on my progress and keep me from getting trapped. Without them, of course, it would be much more dangerous. But I am not without them. Not at all.

Well, you’re very brave.

> Thanks, Cecil.

We’re going to get to the bottom of this door story for you, listeners! Because we have science on our side!

Outgoing mayor Pamela Winchell called another press conference today. Most of her press conferences are not newsworthy, as she calls everything she does a press conference. Lunch, getting a new end table, screaming into street-side mailboxes, testing the surface tension of low-flying birds…basically, any simple activity we all do daily, she is trying to make into news.

This morning, however, while complaining about the unfair mayoral election process in Night Vale, where all votes are discarded in favor of a pronouncement from Hidden Gorge, Mayor Winchell saw a door appear in her office at City Hall. When she opened the oak door with the brass knob, she said she saw an angel. Tall, and beautiful, and radiating dark light and operatic music. Mayor Winchell turned to the few remaining reporters who still attend her press conferences and said, “Angels are real! I am staring at one right now! They are real, OK?”

She began to open the door wide to show the press, but the figure – who was certainly not an angel – mouthed “Shut up, Pamela!” at Mayor Winchell.

The alleged angel added, “Shhhhhh! Geeeeeeez!” and slammed the door.

Pamela corrected her previous announcement by vehemently denying the existence of angels – but hinting that mountains might be a thing.

“I don’t know! Think about it!” she mused, as she continued slicing off chunks of her mahogany desk with a Bowie knife.

[Morse code, not so much in the background this time: - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - -]

Parade day has finally begun, listeners!

Come to the parade grounds and see what kind of colors and noise a proud community can make!

[Morse code in background: - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - -]

I am told now that 13 year-old Tamika Flynn is, in fact, at the parade. She has, in fact, been at the parade all along. I am telling this now to my producer Daniel, who is throwing chairs in the control room. I am telling this now to my producer Daniel, who I have locked in the control room.

[Morse code in background: - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - -]

I am showing my producer Daniel that I am running the show from my own mixer, as he stares dumbly at the cables he just yanked from the walls.

The parade, as you know, as you have known all along, is at StrexCorp headquarters along the lip of Radon Canyon. The parade consists of half a dozen yellow helicopters, all of which have been commandeered by Tamika’s band of well-read middle schoolers, who left town months ago to train for this moment.

[Morse code in background: - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - -]

They apparently learned to fly the helicopters by reading books. Specifically, they learned by reading Italo Calvino's Invisible Cities, and a collection of Shirley Jackson short stories.

Never underestimate the power of good literature.

[Morse code in background: - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - -]

Listeners, this is one of the great moments in Night Vale history. And here is our chance to be part of it. Not since our town elders first donned soft meat crowns, and wrote our town charter in their own blood on the side of a confused coyote has this town had the chance to witness the birth of a truly new age.

[Morse code in background: - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - -]

Witnesses are reporting helicopters above StrexCorp. Witnesses are reporting pre-teens carrying slingshots, and wearing several Reading Achievement chevrons on their left breast pockets.

Witnesses are reporting a bumbling swarm of StrexCorp security agents unable to contain the small revolution!

Witnesses are reporting a dumbfounded and vile institution collapsing under the bloated weight of its own greed!

I am reporting that I am barricading my door from the Strex-owned station management, while making faces at Daniel, trapped in the booth.

And while you fight, Night Vale, for Night Vale, for your town, for your home, I take you now, triumphant citizens, to the weather!

[Morse code in background: - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - - - . - -]

[“Take Up Your Spade” by Sara Watkins]

As usual, Night Vale, a lot happened during the weather. And we missed it. Not because I wasn’t reporting on it, but because we were not there to experience it.

Witnesses are reporting what they saw today.

But no witnesses joined in.

The witnesses, weak and watching, only witnessed.

Listeners…ooooh, listeners. The band of well-read child revolutionaries, including their leader and only hero our town had left, Tamika Flynn, have been captured by a StrexCorp security team. Tamika led a great revolt to rid our town of a terrible evil, and restore the original less-terrible evil that preceded it. But no one showed up. They only watched.

She called to you! I called to you, Night Vale! But there just weren’t enough of us.

The children were all sent to the Juvenile Detention Center, which has sat empty for years because of the specially-calibrated school lunches, formulated by the Night Vale Psychological Association.

Tamika, just before her arrest, calmly waved a heavily-notated copy of Bertolt Brecht's Life of Galileo. She then paraphrased the influential German playwright saying, “Sad is not the land that has no hero. Sad is the land that needs a hero.”

An officer took the book and slid it into a plastic bag, as Tamika was handcuffed and led into the back of a bright yellow police cruiser with orange triangle logos.

Night Vale…Night Vale. I tried to tell you about this day. I was very clear. Tamika was very clear. We could have done something, Night Vale, but we…chose not to. Not one citizen outside of Tamika and her band of brilliant, brave, children stood up to tyranny today! We all chose to stand down, and hope change would be won for us, and not by us! By someone else, we believed. A hero, we believed.

But belief is only step one. Action is step two. Fighting for what you believe is step two. Solidarity is step two. Unity is step two. We did not take step two today, Night Vale!

And now there will be no step three!

We have failed Tamika. But worse, we have failed ourselves.

I'm–

Um…

I’ve got guests in my studio. I don’t know how they undid my secret barricade made of cardboard signs that said “KEEP OUT!” and “SECRET ROOM!” in all caps with an exclamation point, but it’s my program director, Lauren, and some man I’ve never seen bef–

But no, I have seen him before! Where have I seen you before?

They do not look happy, Night Vale. Lauren and the stranger are smiling widely, their teeth white, lips pink, their eyes full but tight, deep dimples making their tiny noses into parenthetical asides, they are smiling, but they look very unhappy.

Perhaps it is, uhh, time to sign off for the day. Um, I am sure to speak to you again very soon, listeners.

Stay tuned next for the gentle sounds of forgiveness, and a lilting melody of wounds healing, and until next time, goodnight, Night Vale–

Hey! Hey! What are you– Ge–

[Morse code in background during end credits: . . - . . - . - . . . - . . . . - - - - - - - - . - - - - … . .]

Today’s proverb: If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.

15/05/2014 14:56:00 ¶ ●

## Episode 47 - Company Picnic

[Voice of Lauren Mallard]: Snow is falling somewhere. Many things are falling, or will fall, or have fallen, but temporary triumph is still triumph.

Welcome to the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area.

Hello, listeners! Another day, another broadcast, another chance to reach out and commune with you orally.

It has been a couple weeks since we began speaking to you directly, with no filters or…reinterpretation in the way, and we have forgotten all about anything any of you might have done.

StrexCorp is proud to say that we have carefully recorded, and catalogued, everything you’ve ever done, and also we’ve forgotten it all. Don’t worry about it! Let us worry about it for you. Without worry, you are free to be as efficient and productive as we all dream of being.

We all dream, every night, of our jobs, and of efficiency, and of the deep chasm of consequence and retribution if we are not as productive as we need to be. Those recurring dreams are just one of the many ways StrexCorp is happy to fill your waking hours and your timeless sleep.

Since we’ve consolidated all our community radio stations into one broadcast network, we no longer need ask why one town is doing what another isn’t. We can stop focusing on our differences, and instead focus on our similarities, our commonalities. For instance, the future! We all share that, don’t we?

> We sure do!

Why, hello again, Kevin!

> Hi!

Listeners, you know Kevin! He’s a long-time host at Desert Bluffs Radio Incorporated, and a new host here on Night Vale Community Radio, where he’ll be broadcasting full-time!

Welcome, Kevin! It’s nice to finally have you here in the studio.

> Thank you, Lauren! But you know, I don’t like the adjectives “new” or “long-time.”

Hmm.

> They suggest there was a past before me! I am not new, I am now! We’re all now! A now that moves forward at a constant speed and direction. Our present is always becoming the future. We all have that in common! We have the future! And that future is everything. And it is ours to share!

> I am happy to finally be on the air with you all in Night Vale!

I’m happy you’re here too, Kevin. Things have been so good lately, haven’t they?

> Mmm!

We caught the teenage felon who’s been terrorizing the town, we got our helicopters back, we brought you here, all those terrible doors that appeared a couple of weeks ago have suddenly disappeared, and no one can see the lies inside them anymore.

And your producer Daniel tells me that just a few days ago, we arrested a group of five people in lab coats who had been loitering about and trespassing on Cynthia Cabrera’s house in the Desert Creek development.

> How scary! Well, that is good news!

Yes! Great news! Or…almost great. There is…one scientist we expected to find there, and we did not find him. He has such perfect hair! Think of what would happen if he had agreed to add that perfect hair and those perfect teeth into our resources! It just makes you want to spit–

I’m sorry, such a vulgar word. Let me try that again.

It just makes you want to…not smile. To not smile hard at all, when people work against productivity that way. Oh, well. We’ll find him soon enough! We find everyone we look for. We’re just fantastic at our jobs!

> It feels good to have a crime-free tomorrow, doesn’t it? It makes any crimes that happen today feel justified.

> Well, Lauren, let’s start things off with news about…♫StrexCorp!♫

Oh, yay!

> In an act that is just super-benevolent, Strex is giving all workers a day off today for a company picnic!

Wow, Kevin!

> You are right! Wow, Lauren!

> The company picnic is being held in Mission Grove Park, so head over there right now, everybody, and look for the balloons and banners. You have to go there now!

> Stop what you’re doing and go to the park.

> Follow any signs you see, and any spoken directives from the uniformed StrexCorp Picnic Captain. They’re there to make sure you have a good time – and that you don’t leave the picnic early. It would be a real shame to leave early from such a welcoming – and mandatory – picnic! Head on over right now! Do it!

> Do it now.

> And now, the Community Calendar.

> Tuesday is Work Day! All StrexCorp-owned homes and businesses, which is to say all homes and businesses, should work all day in their most productive and enthusiastic way. Work is how we all become better people! You do want to become a better person, right? You want to be valued, you want to have value, you want your value, numerically speaking, to increase? Then work! It’s Work Day!

> Wednesday is Work Day. Keep working, StrexCorp employees! Don’t stop!

> Thursday through Sunday are also Work Days. Wow! What an exciting and productive week we have coming up here in the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area!

> Monday is a lie that someone told you in order to poison you against the idea of starting your work week. Who told you this lie? Point them out to us, and we’ll make sure that they don’t tell you any more lies. Isn’t that nice? Just honest folks, dealing honestly with other honest folks. Just point out the liar, and denounce them.

> This has been the Community Calendar.

> Well, the company picnic in Mission Grove is in full swing! Everyone is exposing their teeth and moving their arms! There are signs posted showing how to move your face and body to indicate maximum fun.

> There are also snacks! They are on the picnic tables with the paper table cloths, next to the StrexCorp Picnic Captains. Don’t worry about the friendly officers, grab a cupcake! You’ve earned it! If you’ve done enough work hours, you’ve earned it! If you haven’t earned however many snacks you take, the Picnic Captains will let you know.

Unfortunately, it’s not all good news, Kevin.

> Oh, no?

It seems there have been some party poopers who haven’t made it to the picnic yet, or who have tried to leave early. But that’s OK! StrexCorp threw this party as a treat for their hard-working employees, and also so that they could learn who the party poopers were!

We know the party poopers now, and we’re playfully letting them know that they are party poopers. We are putting heavy stone hats on them that say “Party Pooper” until they are agreeable. It’s important to work hard, but it’s also important to play hard. But mostly, it’s important to work hard.

> It’s very important to work hard!

It sure is!

> So important. More important than life itself!

It sure is.

> We have gotten some questions about this, and yes, of course, the Night Vale Mayoral Election is still a go for a month from now! It turns out that there’s no way to stop it once it starts. All the machines and the pulsing in Hidden Gorge…there’s just no way to turn that off without having an election. So, we’re proud to say, we’re upholding democracy by having that election no matter what!

> Both candidates, Hiram McDaniels and the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home, released a statement – through StrexCorp – saying, “We couldn’t care less who wins. The important thing is that Night Vale is well-served in its relationship with the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area business community! This is the key to economic prosperity, and a future that is in harmony with a Smiling God.”

I couldn’t agree more! I just want to vote for both of them!

> Me too! But you can’t, it’s very illegal. Do not try or the law-breaking will be dealt with.

> And now, a word from our sponsors. Lauren?

Thanks, Kev! Can I call you Kev?

> Ha ha ha ha! No, Lauren. By no means.

Thanks, Kevin. Today’s sponsor is…oh, my! Looks like it happens to be StrexCorp!

StrexCorp. Like dew from the sky. Like a cloud that dissipates, only to come again as other clouds. Like the sun. Like a hate-filled thought that you failed to suppress. Like biting down on a fistful of sand. Like words that once held meaning. Like the sun. Like an enemy, hiding in the depths of your own body. Like the enemy that is your own body. Like a thought you wish you could have, but don’t. Like a Smiling God. Like the sun!

StrexCorp. Go to sleep.

> Wow! That was catchy! You know, every time I hear the start of one of those ads, I just can’t help but hum the rest.

None of us can help that! None of us have been able to for years.

And now, traffic.

> That’s right, Lauren!

> It’s slow-and-go around the company picnic, as it should be. Lots of people crowded in there, surrounded by streamers, and balloons, and volleyball nets that should not be touched or climbed! The company picnic is where everyone should be. Plus, StrexCorp has announced – how exciting is this? – They’ve announced that the company picnic will be continuing on…indefinitely!

[Lauren gasps with delight]

> That the party is so good that they just couldn’t bring themselves to end it! So everyone will live at the company picnic now. In between the streamers, and the balloons, and the tall, electrified metal volleyball nets. They will work there, too! They will work there until all the work is done! Until it is – all of this – finished.

> Then, we will truly have been productive! Then, truly, we will have worked hard and played hard!

> This has been traffic.

> You know, Lauren, the equipment in this studio is so old fashioned! I hardly know how to use any of it! Nothing like the high-tech equipment we have back home in Desert Bluffs! But there are many reasons we have to do our broadcasting from here.

It sends a message.

> It sure does! It sends several fun messages for everyone to enjoy!

> Anyway, the boys in Sales, who are all named Sean, came by and with their help, I was able to make this studio feel a little more like home. They put up a bit of a fuss about the changes, but that’s just because no one likes change. There are some people who don’t understand progress, you know.

I’ll miss the Seans.

> I’ll miss them, too. But look how much nicer this place looks! You can see the Seans contributions all over the desk!

And running down the walls! Yes! So much nicer!

> And now, listeners, a deep rumbling sound, like a giant dragging its prone, misshapen body across baked, waterless earth.

[Deep rumbling sound like a giant dragging its prone, misshapen body across baked, waterless earth plays]

> That’s my favorite mandatory part of the daily broadcast. I don’t know what it means! It’s so fun!

Ugh. I hate to break in there, Kevin, but we’re getting reports that there’s another fuss down at the picnic.

> It looks like you’re right, Lauren! Seems like the party is really taking off, doesn’t it? Streamers and cupcakes everywhere! People are touching the volleyball nets, which they should not do, but they’re learning. Or not them, other people watching them are learning. Wow! Folks down here sure get wild at picnics!

> The helpful StrexCorp Picnic Overseer is explaining to them, with bullhorns, the best way to express their picnic joy, so the fuss should end pretty soon.

Yes, the Overseer is explaining to them. They’re on the ground, with their hands over their ears so that they can hear him better. Their mouths are open. No one has ever seen smiles quite like that. What an interesting way to smile! Their legs are kicking, too, like they’re still trying to dance.

> Oh my! Well, there’s no music, you fantastic silly people! There’s just an Overseer explaining how parties work, and how work is the best party of all! You don’t need to wriggle about like that!

You’re certainly right! There is no music at all! But, Kevin, do you know what there is?

> What is there, Lauren?

Kevin, and all listeners out there at the company picnic, or illegally huddled in pitiful hiding spots that will be ferreted out, let’s go now to the weather.

[“Stupid” by Brendan Maclean]

> Here we are. The weather has passed, and we all know that the end of the broadcast is nearing. But don’t worry! There will be another after, and another after that, and on and on…we aren’t going anywhere.

> The company picnic is settling down into the pleasant work party it was always meant to be. Those who had been wriggling around and smiling so oddly are now sitting cross-legged on the ground, happily at work. They will stay at the company picnic now. Everyone will. We will all be working from the company picnic so that everything can be organized, and there will be no problems.

> Listen, we are not completely unaware! We know that there has been some tension, certain events that everyone regrets – although some regret them more than others – but we also know that nothing removes tension between rival towns quite like a picnic, a smile, and a song.

> Sing louder! Louder!

> Good!

> There is a bright future ahead of us. It is so bright! Blindingly bright! It is a future so filled with painful light that we have no choice but to close our eyes and walk serenely forward. And so don’t worry about where you have come from. Don’t worry about where you are going. Worry only about where your feet land in the now.

> Where are you standing, and how much work are you getting done where you are standing? What value are you adding to the world? What are you worth?

> Those are the questions you should ask yourself. And don’t worry if you forget to ask yourself, there will be people with clipboards who will come by soon to ask them for you.

> That’s all for today! Stay tuned next for bountiful blessings from a Smiling God!

> And so, from me, Kevin,

…and from Lauren, here in the booth,

> …as always, until next time, Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area. Until next time.

Today’s proverb: There’s a difference between your, you’re, and yarn. Yarn isn’t even pronounced the same way. It’s a completely different word.