12/03/2015 18:02:13 ¶ ●

Here’s the second YouTube release today, a preview of The Librarian featuring horoscopes. Transcript below the cut since this one’s a little longer. Remember that The Librarian is available at nightvale.bandcamp.com and is also available on iTunes.

Joseph Fink: What you are about to hear was recorded live at the Skirball in New York City on January 16th, 2015. If you weren’t there, but would like to see what that was like, we have a behind the scenes video on our YouTube channel right now. Just go to youtube.com/WelcomeToNightVale, and subscribe to get more bonus behind the scenes stuff in the future. All right, I’ll see you in a bit, but for now, I take you to that strange little town, New York City.

Cecil: More on this story as it develops but first, today’s horoscopes.

Aries: Aries, you have much in common with a tree. A sadness that no one can see, or understand. Communication only through silence and wind. Skin made of wood. The way you collect sustenance through roots buried in soil. You are very, very much like a tree. Almost impossible to tell the difference.

Taurus: Taurus, today is the day that you change everything. Oh, I’m sorry. I misspoke, I’m sorry. Uh, let me try that again, OK? *Ahem* Today is the day that everything changes you. You will be completely unrecognizable. Yeah, that’s it. There ya go.

Gemini: How scared are you of centipedes, Gemini? I mean, no reason. The stars are just asking. Like, are you super super scared, because I can’t say for sure, but you’re pretty brave, right? Like, you could handle a couple of centipedes! You could handle a bunch of centipedes! Right, Gemini? No reason. I’m just asking.

Cancer: Today is an excellent day for you to demand a promotion, to approach the one that you’ve been secretly thinking about for years, to try your hand at that new hobby that you are considering. Unfortunately, it is a terrible day for getting that promotion, having that person say yes, and not injuring yourself badly on a power sander. But you should at least feel great about the attempt.

Leo: There’s just a thick, green smudge here, and the word “cryptotoxicology.” So I guess that’s a good thing, right?

Virgo: Now, wait. There are still some of you left? How did you survive the great culling of Virgos that swept through – oh! You know what? I’m sorry, that’s not ‘til next week. Sorry, I got confused there. Oh, yeah, today looks very good for you, Virgo! Maybe use this lovely day to get all your affairs in order. Just a thought.

Libra: All your dreams will come true today. Or…I mean, one of them will. You know that recurring dream where you’re chased through a house that seems like your own, but it isn’t quite, by a swarm of bees that you can’t see even though you totally know that they’re there? Well, it’s not that recurring dream, it’s the other one. And I am so, so sorry.

Scorpio: Your arms look weird. And your face is a natural irritant. And your personality leaves much to be desired, the principal desire being your immediate absence. You disgust me, Steve Carlsbe–…I mean, Scorpios? Ugh. Scorpios, right?

Sagittarius: Buy a tourniquet. The best that money can buy.

Capricorn: Today’s lucky number is imaginary! But, coincidentally, so are you, and your entire experience of the world.

Aquarius: You wanna make some money fast? I don’t know, rob somebody. Commit fraud. There’s lots of ways.

Pieces: You’ve just won another brand new car! You stare bleakly at your home filled with stacks upon stacks of new cars, occupying every possible space at impossible angles. Today’s brand new car is wheeled in and as you feel its bulk pressing up against you, taking the last bit of your home that had still been yours to live in, you feel tears hot upon your cheeks. Congratulations on your prize!

Joseph Fink: Well, that’s it for the sample, but if you want more, the full recording of The Librarian – with over 90 minutes of new stuff just like that – is available at nightvale.bandcamp.com for whatever price that much new Night Vale is worth to you, or on iTunes. Just search Night Vale.

Hope you enjoyed the sample, and I’ll see you on March 15th with a brand new episode and some huge news about the Night Vale book for you. We’ll see you then.