15/02/2015 15:24:06 ¶ ●

## Episode 62 - Hatchets

Dare to dream. Do it. We dare you. Go ahead, dream.

It’ll be fine. We promise.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Leann Hart, publishing editor of the Night Vale Daily Journal, announced today that, for a limited time, the Daily Journal will print actual newspapers again. No longer will subscribers have only the Imagination Edition of the daily paper, a compulsory and automatic $60 monthly charge to imagine whatever news you want. They will, once again, have the tyranny of a printed daily edition – where all of the stories are immovable declarations of recent history, told by a biased and underpaid third party.

“It’s an exciting time to work in print journalism!” Hart shouted after a news blogger who was sprinting away from the hatchet-wielding veteran of the printed word.

Hart then hurled another hatchet at the terrified representative of the Daily Journal’s digital competition. She hit her target just behind the knee, felling him as he made a sharp cry and a dull asphalt thud.

“Very exciting,” Hart shouted. She added, “These printed versions of the daily paper are collector’s items. We’ve deliberately inserted a bunch of errors into them because, true collectors know, that makes them worth a bunch more.”

Listeners, I for one think a resurgence in the newspaper industry would be great. This could mean even more jobs here in Night Vale.

“This will create lots of new jobs for Night Vale,” Hart will certainly have said by this time tomorrow. “Lots of real awesome jobs,” I am sure she will have reiterated.

And now, a look at traffic.

There’s an accident at the corner of Hollows Road and Great Hills Drive. It’s a pretty bad accident. It is likely neither party saw an accident of this magnitude coming. Each driver stands, staring, dumbfounded at their two twisted cars, which look like one. One…what? Not a car. A spiteful burning beast borne of mundane haste and arrogant industrial progress.

The two drivers cannot comprehend what to do. They are still, mostly. Fidgeting, sometimes. Thinking, not at all.

A neighbor who came out of her house upon hearing the hard smash of hard metal can’t seem to process what is happening, either. She’s slowly leaning away as if wanting to leave, wanting to forget she ever witnessed this, but she cannot move. She cannot take that first step. Her eyes, growing wide, wild, as her mouth opens, slack at first, and then slowly recoils into an unheard scream.

The two drivers feel the neighbor there, but they do not turn. They do not ask for help, or aid. Too scared to move, they stand and gaze into the crumpled slits along the sides of the pressed cars, that damnable block of hot machinery and its black smoke swirls.

And on the concrete, there is glass. And above the glass are arms, and hair, and drying blood. And the drivers stare at their own wretched bodies inside the mangled contraptions, and they do not think about anything other than what they once were. They watch their bodies, hoping for a twitch, a breath, any kind of movement. Hoping for another chance in life.

So, it’s backed up pretty bad near the Best Buy. Choose some alternate routes today.

This has been traffic.

You know me, listeners. I’m a pretty straight and narrow radio professional. I am all about objectivity and impartiality. But it’s time for a Cecil Palmer Editorial.

Given the growing prevalence of the internet – not just on computers, but also phones and watches and owls and certain trees – our private information is just out there, waiting to be taken and exploited by the wrong kinds of people. Of course, it’s vitally important that Vague, Yet Menacing Government Agencies have access to our personal data – like income, dream journals, phone logs, embarrassing thoughts, and slash fiction archives. Ooh, also, the police and the world government. Oh, and the mayor, and the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in All of Our Homes. Yes, those people should all have access to our private data.

But now, there are things called “scripts” and “algorithms” that can just scan our emails and our purchase history and all those photos of cats wearing baseball mitts we like to share with each other, and these scripts and algorithms are sometimes called “bots.”

These bots are large cyborgs that break into our homes and look through our stuff, and then feed these secrets to corporations and then, these corporations make more bots, and soon, we will have to fight bot armies. But with what? Knives and guns are completely internet-based now. They will turn against us in that war. We are not safe from the impending bot wars.

So, stop having personal data is what I’m trying to say. No more emails, no more job histories, Night Vale, no more cat pictures, or erotic fan fic, or text messages.

I know, I know this is difficult. On the one hand, we enjoy having personal information like careers and friends and hobbies. On the other hand, we’re talking about war. And on the third eleven-fingered hand, nothing is to say that bots wouldn’t be benevolent leaders, but I do not wish to find this out.

I’m sure the naysayers will tell me that I’m overreacting – which I am, but…it’s my opinion, OK? You don’t get to tell me whose overreacting. You’re underreacting, I’ll say! Yeah, I’ll totally say that. I’ll say it right to their face, that–

What? What’s that?

Oh. Oh, OK.

Uh, listeners? Intern Maureen just handed me a note explaining that the City Council has just declared all information totally public. And that since no information is private anymore, the giant corporations and their bots cannot harm us by mining private data. The city will keep all our information safely out in the open, and available to anyone wearing sunglasses and a sidearm.

Hey, thanks Maureen!

Moments ago, the Sheriff’s Secret Police held a secret press conference reminding us that all murder is illegal. Also, attempted murder.

“Like, let’s say you try to kill a person, but you don’t actually succeed,” a Secret Police spokesperson whispered from behind a concrete pillar in the underground garage of the disused East Night Vale Mall. “Then, that’s still illegal, even if you didn’t kill that person.”

“But, what if you just think about killing a person but don’t actually do it?” came one question from the batch of reporters, who were also whispering and hiding.

“Well, that’s not illegal, then” the spokesperson whispered in reply.

“But, I have it all planned out and everything!” the reporter continued. “I just haven’t done it yet. Is that illegal?”

“Well, that’s just mean, and kind of weird,” said the Secret Police spokesperson before walking out into the open and saying, “Leann, is that you?”

“Umm, no! No. Noo. NOOOO!” came a comically deep voice that was obviously fake. “Not me at all! I’m just an old bagel wrapper someone left on the ground! I’m inanimate garbage!”

“Leann, we know it’s you,” said the spokesperson. “Stop attacking bloggers with hatchets! We found a dozen more wounded bloggers in Mission Grove Park this morning! They all had hatchets in their backs, and were very upset. It’s not nice, Leann! It’s also illegal, OK?”

“I’m a bagel wrapper, you…jerk!” Hart replied, still whispering and hiding.

And now, a word from our sponsor.

You are thirsty. Of course you are. We are all metaphorically thirsty for better things, but you are literally thirsty. Literally thirsty for anything. You could feel your dry lips, swollen and sticking together, their crusted gray edges adorning the pink pain beneath. You lick your lips, felling better for a moment, but actually worsening the problem.

It’s hot, right? Pretty hot and dry, actually.

Are those flies? Yes. Those are flies.

Are those birds…vultures? Yes. Actual vultures in your home.

“How did these soaring scavengers get in my home?” you think.

Perhaps you could use some cool, pure, natural and refreshing Fiji Water. Yes, Fiji Water sounds sooo nice, doesn’t it?

But Fiji Water is not who is sponsoring this show. Fiji Water doesn’t even know about this show. Who is sponsoring this show? We cannot tell you. We’re not allowed.

Fiji Water is completely unaware of you, too.

So sorry, this will not end quickly. So very, very sorry.

This has been a word from our sponsor.

This afternoon, Night Vale High School and the armed militia that make up our Committee for Civic Pride are holding a ticker tape parade for local sports hero Michael Sandero, who became the first Night Vale High athlete to play in a college football national title game.

Unfortunately, Sandero’s team, the University of Michigan Wolverines [ed. note: Cecil still pronounces it “Mitchigan”], lost to copies of themselves in the title game. But Sandero did win the Heisman Trophy for the nation’s best college football player, and did his hometown proud.

Intern Maureen, who I sent to report on the parade…oh…is texting me that there’s a problem. Um, I’m getting word that Leann Hart has interrupted the festivities with an announcement.

Oh, wow. According to Maureen’s flurry of texts, Hart is claiming that Michigan did not play itself for the title. As proof of her claim, Hart passed out copies of a news article from the Michigan Daily from January 13, stating that at the end of the season, Michigan lost more games than they won, and that their quarterback’s name is Devin Gardner? Not Michael Sandero.

On the front page of that issue of the Daily is a headline strongly indicating that people at the University of Michigan can remember most things correctly. Pretty Much No Major Memory Problems Here, the headline reads.

She also claims that a school called Ohio State [ed. note: Cecil pronounces Ohio as Oh-hee-oh] won the national title over a school called Oregon [ed. note: Cecil pronounces it Or-ee-gone].

Maureen confirmed that while Ohio is, in fact, a U.S. state, Michigan and Oregon are neither states nor cities anyone seems to have heard of before. We’re still trying to figure out their languages of origin.

Maureen is texting me that Hart is now shouting “Blogger!” over and over. Maureen is texting me that Hart is hurling hatchets now, Maureen is texting me that everyone looks pretty scared, Maureen just texted me, “I’m hit.”

Um, let– let me…let me respond really quick.

Is…that…slang…or something…Maureen?

OK, she texted back, “I’m hit, she got me, I’m bleeding.”

Um, uh…[exasperated sigh]

I…I don’t understand young people and their weird text-speak at all. Who even knows what she’s trying to say? Well, whatever.

While I text Maureen back with a quick grammar lesson, let me take you to the weather.

[“Anarchy Date” by Queer Rocket]

Listeners, I have just learned that Maureen was struck with a hatchet thrown by Leann Hart.

So, then:

To the family of Intern Maureen, she was a good intern. A valiant intern. Brave, right up until the end. Sadly, she is with us no more. She will be missed.

For the hatchet attack on Maureen, as well as several other attacks at today’s parade, and more than five dozen similar hatchet-based assaults in the past several weeks, the Sheriff’s Secret Police arrested Leann Hart.

“We told you it was illegal to kill people, Leann!” the Sheriff himself said from his hover-office in the clouds. “And also, to try to kill people.”

“But they were news bloggers!” Hart replied. “I can’t stay in business and create jobs if news bloggers are putting me out of business and destroying those jobs!”

And the Sheriff agreed, saying it’s the Secret Police’s job to protect business interests, as well as citizen interests. The City Council also agreed. So did the Vague, Yet Menacing Government Agency, nodding quietly from inside their long, black sedans with tinted windows, while snapping photos of everything they saw.

The mayor did not agree. Mayor Dana Cardinal went against the City Council and said that she, for one, did not think people or businesses should be allowed to use physical violence against their competition or anyone, for that matter.

The City Council bristled, and then they all squawked and few away.

It is unclear whether or not news bloggers agree, as many of them have gone silent on this issue, replacing their investigative reports and think pieces with pictures of cats wearing baseball gloves and top-rated recipes for invisible pie.

The Sheriff then announced that all charges against Hart would be dropped, except for the assault on Intern Maureen.

“Maureen, after all, was not a news blogger, but a radio intern who posed no direct threat to Hart’s newspaper,” the Sheriff said.

And I agreed.

The Sheriff then played the entirety of Domenico Galli’s Sonata Quinta on his gold cello.

“But…but she looked like a blogger,” Hart insisted. “She was typing into her phone. All those bloggers do that! Bloggers love typing on their phones.”

“But she worked in radio, Leann,” the Sheriff said, as he ended a series of lilting high notes with a single discordant bass tone. He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m sorry, but that is attempted murder. You have to go to jail now.”

“Oh! But I didn’t attempt to kill her! You said murder and attempted murder were illegal. Murder wasn’t my intent!” Leann said.

“Then what was your intent?” the Sheriff asked.

“Oh, just…throwing a hatchet at her.. Nothing more, nothing less,” Hart said. “I meant nothing by it,” she added, brushing her hands together, and then holding them out, empty and clean. Her open palms signified “case closed.” And the Sheriff, held to the higher law of gestures, had no choice but to acquiesce.

So Hart was set free, turned back into the world to print more news, to keep the industry alive.

Before she left, she paused and said, “I think something’s wrong in Michigan” [ed. note: quoting Leann, Cecil pronounces it as it is normally pronounced outside of Night Vale – when not quoting her, he continues to pronounce it “Mitchigan”] – and, listeners, that’s how she said it. I don’t know why, it’s very clear how it’s actually pronounced if you see it written out – and she held up her copy of the Michigan Daily from January 13 with an article that said, “Michigan, Sandero, Lose Close One To Themselves.” And the front page of the Michigan Daily now showed a bold headline, “We Have Forgotten So Many Things,” and in several blank columns with no story, merely pictures of normal things like shoes and birds and ghosts, all captioned with a series of frantic question marks.

“I guess I was wrong earlier. I don’t know. Weird, right?” Hart said with a shrug.

“That is crazy weird,” the Sheriff agreed, finishing out the sonata before disappearing in a soft breeze.

“I…agree!” said a nearby news blogger who was coughing up blood and clutching tightly to the hatchet lodged in her abdomen. “I…can’t…wait…to blog…about it!” the blogger said through gritted teeth.

Leann tightened her grip on the hatchet in her left hand, raising it slightly. There was a tense pause that was eventually broken by a light smirk from Leann Hart. Then, the two of them laughed and laughed. They are both still laughing now.

Because of the hatchet attack she survived today, Intern Maureen has resigned from radio – as I clearly, and without any other possible interpretation, explained earlier.

Oh, she wasn’t hurt that badly, but Maureen went on and on about radio being a “dangerous job” and “totally not worth the constant risk of death.” I told her she makes it harder than it needs to be. She rolled her eyes, and packed up her desk.

I miss her already. She had a good sense of humor.

Stay tuned next for something clawing at your window. It will also be sniffing. Sniffing and clawing at your window. Occasionally, it will wail. Occasionally, you will hear nothing. So, to recap: sniffing and clawing at your window over and over, with the occasional piercing wail, and then long silences. All that, next.

And as always, goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.

Today’s proverb: Ask your doctor just who he thinks he is. Say it just like that. Say, “Who do you think you are?” See if he starts crying. I know I would.