July 2015

Bonus Episode 4 - Pamela Winchell

Cecil: In response to the “murderer on the loose” situation, Mayor Dana Cardinal has sent her official Night Vale Director of Emergency Press Conferences to issue an emergency press conference. Unfortunately, the Press Conference Gazebo is currently on fire…due to routine maintenance. So this press conference will be held right here in our studio. Please welcome former mayor Pamela Winchell.

Pamela Winchell: Hello, members of the press corps. Hello, people of the public. Hello, visiting dignitaries, wandering spirits, and hidden royalty disguised as local farmers due to troubles in their home country.

I would like to start this emergency press conference with a joke.

OK. So.

What did the dog say to the bartender?

Crowd: What?

Pamela: “Death is just a tone of soil – but then, my friend, so is life!”

[Pamela laughs, joined by Cecil – who laughs longer than Pamela does]

Hold any laughter for the end of the presentation, please!

Citizens, there is a murderer among us, striking at us from the shadows!

Yeah, so what? This morning, my wrist was sore! I don’t know why! I woke up, and it was sore! Does anyone know why? If you know why, please notify a town official. I think it’s probably a joint thing.

Maybe you’ll all make it through today. Maybe you won’t. I mean, what am I, some kind of expert on you? I’m not. I don’t think. Well, I might be. You know, it has been a long time since college, and I don’t remember what it was that I studied. I mean…plants? Are plants a thing?

Cecil: Pure fiction.

Pamela: OK, not that then.

It is important, in times of emergency, to remain calm. This won’t keep you safe. Whatever was going to happen to you, will happen to you anyway. But you will be less irritating to those around you as it happens. I mean, people usually make such a fuss and a bunch of noise when in mortal danger, and some of us are trying to read right now, thank you!

Maybe the reading is why my wrist is sore! Ah! I– I– I should have stretched more before doing something that takes this much hard physical labor.

Mayor Cardinal asked me to come to speak to you. I have come to tentatively respect Mayor Cardinal, although I maintain a slight suspicion that she may be a number of super-sentient lizards in a meat costume. I have the same suspicion toward all people, including myself.

Anyway, Mayor Cardinal asked me to relay some important emergency info to all of you, so here it is:

On the edge of the known universe is a campfire, and around it are three figures, indistinct and huddling – refugees from the universe before our own. They will never be able to return home. And, metaphorically, neither will any of us. We are all, metaphorically, huddled around a campfire at the edge of the known universe. But in literal terms, only those three figures are. And no one knows their names. And no one ever will.

The Night Vale municipal government hopes that this emergency information was helpful to you. As always, if you are in need of assistance, please don’t bother me. Thank you, Cecil, I will now step into the circle I drew in the sand with my big toe and vanish in a flash of green smoke.

Cecil: Oh. Well, thank you very much!

Annnnnnnnd yup! There she goes, flash of green smoke. Looks like she still has a little bit of that mayoral power left inside her.

Today’s proverb: Dodge Ram. Good car. Even better advice.

Bonus Episode 5 - Excerpt From the Novel

The history of the town of Night Vale is long and complicated, reaching back thousands of years to the earliest indigenous people in the desert. We will cover none of it here. Suffice it to say that it is a town like many towns – with a City Hall, and a bowling alley (the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex), and a diner (the Moonlite All-Nite Diner), and a supermarket (Ralph’s). And, of course, a community radio station, reporting all the news that we are allowed to hear.

On all sides, it is surrounded by empty desert flatness. It is much like your town, perhaps. It might be more like your town than you’d like to admit.

It is a friendly desert community, where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.

Welcome to Night Vale.

• ONE
  

Pawn shops in Night Vale work like this: first, you need an item to pawn. To get this, you need a lot of time behind you. Years spent living and existing, until you’ve reached a point where you believe that you exist, and that a physical item exists, and that the concept of ownership exists. And that, improbable as all those are, these absurd beliefs line up in a way that result in you owning an item.

Good job! Nicely done!

Second, once you believe you own an item, you must reach a point where you need money more than you need the item. This is the easiest step – just own an item, and own a body with needs, and wait.

The only pawn shop in the town of Night Vale is run by the very young Jackie Fierro. It has no name, but if you need it, you will know where it is. This knowledge will come suddenly, often while you are in the shower. You will collapse, surrounded by a bright glowing blackness, and you will find yourself on your hands and knees, the warm water running over you, and you will know where the pawn shop is. You will smell must, and soap, and feel a stab of panic about how alone you are.

It will be like most showers you’ve taken.

Before you can offer Jackie your item, there will first be some hand washing, which is why there are bowls of purified water throughout the shop. You need to chant a little as you wash your hands. You, of course, should always chant when you wash your hands. It is only hygienic.

When you have been properly purified, you will lay the item on the counter, and Jackie will consider it. Jackie will have her feet up on the counter. She will lean back.

“Eleven dollars,” she will say. She will always say “Eleven dollars.”

You will not respond. You are, ultimately, unnecessary to this process. You are, ultimately, unnecessary.

“No, no,” she will say, waving her hand. And then she will name her actual price. Usually it is money. Sometimes it is other things. Sometimes it is dreams, experiences, visions.

Then you will die – but only for a little while.

The item will be given a price tag, $11. Everything in the pawn shop is that price, no matter what she loaned you for it.

Once you are no longer dead, she will give you a ticket, which later you will be able to exchange for the item. Or, at any time, you may look at the ticket and remember the item. Remembering the item is free.

You are leaving this story now. You were only an example. And it is probably safer for you not to be in this story anyway.

Jackie Fierro squinted out the window at the parking lot. There was no one coming. She was closing soon. Relatively speaking, she was always closing soon, and also always just opening.

Beyond the window was the parking lot, and beyond that the desert, and beyond that the sky (mostly void, partially stars). Layered from her vantage, it was all distance, equally unreachable from her post at the counter.

She had recently turned 19. She had been recently-19 for as long as she could remember. The pawn shop had been hers for a long time. Centuries, maybe. Clocks and calendars don’t work in Night Vale. Time itself doesn’t work.

For all her years as the newly-19 owner of the pawn shop, she left the shop only when it was closed, and then only to her apartment, where she sat with her feet up on the coffee table, taking in the community radio and the local cable news. Based on what the news told her, the outside world seemed a dangerous place. There was always some world-ending cataclysm threatening Night Vale. Feral dogs, a sentient glowing cloud with the ability to control minds (although the Glow Cloud had become less threatening since its election to the local school board), old oak doors that led to a strange desert otherworld, where the current mayor had been trapped for months…it seemed safer to not have friends or hobbies. Just sit at work, head down, doing her job, and then sit at home, glass after glass of orange juice, radio on, safe from anything that might disrupt her routine.

Her days were spent in silence. Mostly void, partially thought. Some days she would re-catalog her inventory. Other days she would clean the shelves. Every day she would sit and think. She would try to think about the day she took over the store. There must have been a day like that, but she could not think of the specifics. She had been doing this for decades. She was very young. Both of these were true at the same time.

She knew college was a thing 19 year olds did. She knew being unemployed in a difficult job market and living at home was a thing other 19 year olds did. She was content doing neither of those, so she continued on and on and on at the pawn shop.

She understood the world and her place in it. She understood nothing. The world and her place in it were nothing, and she understood that.

Because of the lack of working time in Night Vale, she went off her gut feeling about when the shop should close. When the feeling came, it came, and the doors had to be locked, removed from their frames, and safely hidden. The feeling came. She swung her feet off the counter. A decent day.

Old Woman Josie, who lived out by the Car Lot, had come in with a great number of cheap plastic flamingos. She had carried them in a large canvas sack, and emptied them onto the counter like loose change.

“It is not for myself that I give up these little ones,” said Old Woman Josie, addressing a bare wall several feet to the right of Jackie in a strong, formal voice, making the occasional sweeping gesture with her palm, “but for the future.”

Josie stopped, her palm still out.

Jackie decided the speech was over. “All right, man. I’ll give you…eleven dollars,” she said.

Old Woman Josie tightened her eyes at the bare wall.

“Oookaayyy…” Jackie softened, prodding at one of the flamingos and looking at its weak plastic belly. “Tell you what. I’ll give you a good night’s sleep.”

Old Woman Josie shrugged. “I’ll take it.”

A good night’s sleep was a wildly generous offer. The flamingos were worthless, but there were so many of them, and Jackie couldn’t help herself. She never refused an item.

“Be careful not to touch those directly,” Josie said, after she was finished being dead.

Using shop rags, Jackie laid the flamingos out, side by side, on a shelf, each one tagged with a single handwritten $11 price tag.

“Most things shouldn’t be touched anyway,” Jackie thought.

“Goodbye, dear,” said Josie, taking the ticket that Jackie had filled out. “Come by sometime and talk to the angels. They’ve been asking about you.”

The angels lived with Old Woman Josie in her small tract home, whose tract no longer stood, leaving it alone at the edge of town. The angels did chores for her, and Josie made a modest income selling items they had touched. No one understood why the angels lived with her. Very little was understood about the angels; some things were.

Of course, angels do not exist. It is illegal to consider their existence, or even to give them a dollar when they forget bus money and start hovering around the Ralph’s asking for change.

The great hierarchy of angels is a foolish dream, and anyway is forbidden knowledge to Night Vale citizens. All of the angels in Night Vale lived with Josie out by the car lot. There are no angels in Night Vale.

Around the middle of the day, Jackie had acquired a car. It was a Mercedes, only a few years old, and offered with urgency by a young man wearing a gray pinstriped business suit stained with dirt. It was impressive how he got the car onto the counter, but there is a way these things are done, and it had to go on the counter.

He washed his hands, and chanted. The water went brown and red.

She settled on an offer of five dollars, talking him down from eleven, and he laughed as he took the money and the ticket.

“Haha it’s not funny at all,” he explained, laughing.

And, finally, a woman named Diane Crayton arrived late in the afternoon – almost closing time, according to Jackie’s gut.

“Can I help you?” Jackie asked. She was unsure why she asked this, as Jackie rarely greeted people who came in the store.

Jackie knew who Diane was. She organized PTA fundraisers. Diane sometimes came by to distribute fliers that said things like “Night Vale High School PTA Fund Drive! Help give kids the municipally-approved education they deserve! Your support is mandatory, and appreciated!”

Diane, in Jackie’s mind, looked just like a woman who would be an active PTA mom, with her kind face and comfortable clothing. She also thought Diane looked like a woman who would be a loan officer, with her conservative makeup choices and serious demeanor. She would look like a pharmacist, if she were to ever wear the standard white coat, gas mask, and hip waders.

She looked like a lot of things to Jackie. Mostly, she looked like a person lost in both a place and a moment.

Diane took a handkerchief from her purse. Without changing her upward distant expression, she wept a single tear onto the cloth. “I’d like to offer this,” she said, finally looking at Jackie.

Jackie considered the handkerchief. The tear would dry soon. “Eleven dollars. That’s the deal,” she said.

“I’ll take it,” Diane said. Her loose-hanging arms were now drawn up near her purse.

Jackie took the tear-dabbed handkerchief and gave Diane her ticket and the money. After her brief death, Diane thanked her and hurried out of the shop.

Jackie tagged the tear with it’s $11 price tag and placed it on a shelf.

So, a decent day.

Jackie flipped the sign on the door to CLOSED, her hand touching the window, leaving its ghost upon the glass. A hand raised to say “stop,” or “come here,” or “hello!” or “help!” or, maybe, only “I am here. This hand, at least, is real.”

She looked down to adjust the items on the counter, and when she looked up, the man was there. He was wearing a tan jacket, and holding a deerskin suitcase. He had normal human features. He had arms and legs. He might have had hair, or maybe was wearing a hat? Everything was normal.

“Hello,” he said. “My name is Everett.”

Jackie screamed.

The man was perfectly normal.

She screamed.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Are you closed?”

“No, that’s okay. No. Can I help you?”

“Yes, I hope so,” he said.

There was buzzing coming from somewhere. His mouth?

“I have an item I would very much like to pawn.”

“I…” she said, and waved her hand to indicate everything she might have said next.

He nodded at her hand. “Thank you for your help. Have I introduced myself?”

“No.”

“Ah. I apologize. My name is Emmett.”

They shook hands. Her hand continued to shake after he let go.

“Yes, well,” he said, “here is the item.”

He set a small slip of paper on the counter. On it, written in dull smeared pencil, were the words:

King City

The handwriting was shaky, and the pencil had been pressed down hard.

She couldn’t stop staring at it, although she didn’t know what about it was interesting.

“Interesting,” she said.

“No, not very,” said the Man in the Tan Jacket. The man washed his hands and quietly chanted, and Jackie forced herself to lean back and put her feet on the counter. There is a way these things are done.

She looked a few times at the man’s face, but she found she forgot it the moment she stopped looking.

“Eleven dollars,” she said.

The man hummed, and other small voices joined him – apparently from within the deerskin suitcase.

“Where did this come from?” she asked. “Why are you offering it to me? What would I do with it” Her voice was high and cracked. It did not sound like her at all.

The man was now harmonizing with the voices from his suitcase. He did not seem to register her questions.

“No, no, I’m sorry,” she said, fully aware of but unable to stop her poor negotiating technique. “My mistake. Thirty dollars, and an idea about time.”

“Done,” he said, smiling.

Was that a smile?

She gave him the $30 and told him her idea about time.

“That is very interesting!” he said. “I’ve never thought of it that way. Generally, I don’t think at all.”

Then he died.

She usually used this time to finish up the paperwork, get the ticket ready. She did nothing. She clutched the slip of paper in her hand.

He wasn’t dead anymore.

“I’m sorry, your ticket.”

“There’s no need,” he said, still possibly smiling. She couldn’t get a good enough look at his face to tell.

“No, your ticket! There is a way these things are done.”

She scrawled out a ticket with the information tickets always had: a random number (12,739), the quality of light at the time of transaction (fine), the general feeling of the weather outside (looming), her current thoughts on the future (looming, but fine), and a quick sketch of what she thought hearts should look like, instead of the pulsing lumps of straw and clay that grow, cancer-like, into our chests when we turn nine years old.

He took the ticket as she thrust it at him, and then, thanking her, turned to leave.

“Goodbye!” she said.

“King City,” said the paper.

Goodbye, waved the man, saying nothing.

“Wait!” she said, “You never told me your name!”

“Oh, you’re right,” he said, hand on door. “My name is Elliott. A pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

The door swung open, and shut. Jackie held the slip of paper in her hand, unsure for the first time in however long her life had been what to do next. She felt that her routine, unbroken for decades, had been disrupted, that something had gone differently. But she also had no idea why she felt that. It was just a slip of paper, just clutched in her hand. Just that.

She finished her paperwork. On the line that said Pawned by, she stopped. She could not remember his name. She couldn’t even remember his face. She looked down at the piece of paper.

King City

She looked up to get a glimpse of him out the window, just to jostle her stuck memory. From the counter, she could see the Man in the Tan Jacket outside. He was running out to the desert. She could just barely see him at the edge of the parking lot’s radius of light. His arms were swinging wildly, his suitcase swinging a long. His legs were flailing. Great puffs of sand kicked up behind him. His head thrown back, sweat visible running down his neck, even from where she sat – the kind of run that was from something, and not toward.

Then he left the faint edge of the light, and was gone.