Episode 73 - Triptych
What’s past is prologue; what’s future
is epilogue. This, right here, is maybe Chapter Four or Five.
Welcome to Night Vale.
Today’s top news is the screaming
vortex that opened up in the Night Vale Mall food court, completely
obliterating Ice Cream on a Stick, Lucy Tropic’s Fried Ice Cream, and
Mario’s Very Authentic Italian Ice Cream Sub Sandwiches, while doing
significant damage to American Teddy’s Ice Cream and Falafel.
American Teddy’s owner, Teddy Rajal,
said that this is the worst case of food court vortex that Night Vale
has seen in decades. And then he started hollering about the figures
he could see approaching from within the depths of the vortex, and…
[Static sound plays in background]
Uh, I’m sorry, but…I’m getting some
weird feedback in my headphones. Um…just some slight technical
difficulties. Uhh, let me see if any of these wires are loose, and
I’ll get right back to this important story.
Um, oh, oh, OK. Uh, this one looks a
little loose; I’ll just wiggle it a bit…
[Strong static hum, then all static
ends]
Kevin: …started hopping up and
down joyously about the figures he could see approaching from within
the depths of…
Cecil:
Oh, no.
Kevin:
Hello? Is there a new friend on the air with me? This is Kevin in
Desert Bluffs.
Cecil:
We know who you are, Kevin. And another thing, just because you have
decided to name the other desert world that you are living in Desert
Bluffs, doesn’t make it the town of Desert Bluffs! That’s not how
names work! You couldn’t just start calling me Cecil [pronounced
Sessil] and have that suddenly
be my name.
Kevin:
Wow! You have so much passion! What a passionate individual you are!
Cecil [pronounced Sessil],
is it?
Cecil:
Cecil.
Kevin:
Delightful. But to your, um, point, while where I live is definitely
a desert, I don’t know what would make it other
than your world, and I didn’t call this town Desert Bluffs, someone
much older and smarter than me, I’m sure, did that. And I’m glad they
did, because you couldn’t ask for a better home town than the Bluffs.
Cecil: [Scoffs]
What a stupid name! Night Vale is way better name by any measure. For
instance, I like it more. By any measure.
Kevin:
That’s disappointing news. But I’ve never heard of any place called
“Night Vale.” I can’t imagine anyone disliking us here in Desert
Bluffs.
Cecil:
What do you mean, you’ve never heard of Night Vale? You and that evil
corporation StrexCorp tried to take over Night Vale very
recently.
Kevin:
StrexCorp? That faux friendly big business corporate monster? Don’t
talk to me about them. StrexCorp is the worst!
Strex has been buying up a few of the businesses here in Desert
Bluffs, and I am not
happy about it. It makes me very unhappy to be unhappy. I’m much
happier being happy.
No.
Strex is against everything I believe in. Community, radio, community
radio, government intervention in the world, world government
intervention, secret police, and, of course, adorable cats!
Cecil:
I love
cats!
Kevin:
Who doesn’t
love cats? Heartless people, that’s who. Monsters without the
capacity for love. Without
the capacity for love,
Cecil! That’s who doesn’t love cats.
Cecil:
Wow! You’re way nicer than I remembered.
Kevin:
I want to represent my town well. We’re decent people here. Good
people, sharing what we have: a watchful and oppressive government
keeping us safe from ourselves and others, children playing in the
schools, working hard in paramilitary clubs, and marching with crisp,
clean uniforms in parades.
Cecil:
Wait…your marching band has crisp, clean uniforms? But that hasn’t
been true since the…
Is it possible that somehow I am getting a radio signal from Desert
Bluffs all the way back from before the incident?
Kevin:
I…have no idea what any of that meant, but it sounded terrifying.
Cecil:
So, you don’t like Strex?
Kevin:
Of course not! But don’t worry, we won’t let them get too powerful.
Not here in the Bluffs.
Cecil:
Uh, please stop calling it that.
Kevin:
Sure. We’re all united on keeping StrexCorp just a small local
business here in the Bluffs.
Cecil:
It’s so strange
to hear this version of you! Uh, I– I don’t know how this stray
signal ended up in this where and when, but…here it is! This “you”
before everything that happens that makes you…whatever you become.
Kevin:
Wow! Sounds like I have some fun stuff to look forward to once I kick
StrexCorp out of town. You know they’ve been trying to buy the radio
station? Can you imagine how awful
that would be? They’d probably try to take me off the air, and
replace me with someone else. Or, worse, try to change my personality
completely. Oh! I would never
let that happen. I would never–
[static cuts Kevin off]
Cecil:
Kevin. Kevin! I don’t think he can hear me anymore.
Kevin:
You don’t think who
can hear you anymore?
Cecil:
Oh, thank the lights in the sky, Kevin. You’re still there. I need to
warn you about Strex.
Kevin:
Warn me? About Strex? Why would you ever need to warn me about an
honest family business like Strex? Why, ever since they bought the
radio station years ago, I’ve learned so
much
about good business practices, and the value of hard work, and
individual responsibility, and smiling, and destroying the weak, and
eliminating the lazy, and smiling, and smiling, and…smiling.
Cecil:
Oh, no! Uh, I must be getting a radio signal from the much more
recent past.
Kevin:
[Scoffs]
The warping of linear time is exactly why I don’t trust radio, Cecil.
Especially community radio.
Cecil:
Kevin! What did you become?
Kevin:
I’m just a happy-go-lucky guy! It’s like they say: “Work hard, play
hard. Then work hard again, work hard more, work harder, keep working
hard, have you been working hard enough? Work harder if you want to
live! And then, and
then,
play! Play very very very hard.”
Cecil:
Do you remember nothing of the you
that was? The you
that believed in good, healthy things like family, and a caring
totalitarian government?
Kevin:
I…oh! That’s a good question! What do
I remember?
I remember being a real grumpster, just a grouch and a half about
everything! Mister Frowny Face, I’d call myself now, if I were
talking to myself then.
But Strex bought out my radio station, and everything changed for the
better. Ha-ha! Can you believe it, I actually tried to stop them from
buying it! I tried very hard. I put my own body, this fragile thing,
in between the Strex representatives and the entrance to the
building, but they forced their way past me using ethically brutal
methods that left me forever physically changed. What a silly old hen
I was about all that!
Once Strex entered my life and showed me the power of the Smiling
God, why, nothing was the same for me ever again! I felt so much
happier. I did terrible things. I felt so much happier! I tore and
bit and growled…I felt so incredibly happy! My skin rent, blood
drops on the ceiling, someone’s throat hose in my hand! So
deliriously happy!
[Sigh]
You know what? Thank you, Cecil, for bringing back such good memories
to me!
Cecil:
I am so, so glad that we drove StrexCorp out of Night Vale.
Kevin:
Oh, that’s not true, Cecil! We only just started
moving into Night Vale. Why, I believe we bought your radio station
only a couple weeks ago?
Cecil:
Oh, that’s because you’re talking to me from my past. Uh, the radio
signal got temporally misplaced, as sometimes happens…obviously. In
the time you’re speaking from, we haven’t led the secret revolution
against Strex yet.
Kevin:
So you’re saying that there will be a secret revolution against
Strex? Hang on, I’m jotting down a few things.
Cecil:
Uhh…um…n– nope! Uh, doesn’t sound right at all! Uh, I think
Strex has nothing
to be worried about, and should just be relaxed. And complacent.
Kevin:
Cecil! Ha ha ha! Your jokes delight me! He-haha! Just in case,
though, I’m going to send a new supervisor over to Night Vale. Daniel
is fresh off the line in one of our most efficient radio content
manufacturers. You’ll love him. Or, not you now,
you then,
I guess. Hah! Time is weird, isn’t it?
Cecil:
So weird.
Kevin:
Right? Anyway, Daniel will keep a close eye, and if anything seems
wrong, well…me and some StrexCorp executive or another will head
right over to set things right.
Cecil:
Well…umm…
Kevin:
Oh, don’t sound down about yourself! We all make mistakes, Cecil.
Except wonderfully productive StrexCorp, bursting at the seams at the
power of our awesome Smiling God! They don’t make mistakes. And that
is why we’re all grains of sand beneath their feet, the bended neck
at their throne. Isn’t language fun?
Cecil:
Kevin? I already kicked you off my station once. I’m not just going
to sit back while some errant radio waves from the past somehow put
you right back on here. Uh, uh, maybe if I wiggle the wire this
way…
Kevin:
Lauren! Lauren, I just heard some interesting ideas about the future
on the– [static
cuts Kevin off]
Cecil:
He seems to be gone.
Well,
I have some feelings about how that conversation went, but…Carlos
always tells me never to be down on myself about honest mistakes. Not
even massively
destructive
paradoxical mistakes. He’s…always saying that.
I suppose, now that the technical difficulties are taken care of, I
should give you an update on the screaming vortex at the Night Vale
Mall. You won’t believe what…
[Someone coughs
over errant radio waves]
Oh, no. Hello?
Kevin,
sounding frail:
Cecil! Cecil, old friend! I’m here.
Cecil:
You sound different. When is this radio signal coming from? Uh, when
are you in your life?
Kevin:
I am very old. It has been many years since I last spoke to you. It’s
great to hear your voice again. It’s great to hear any
voice again.
Cecil:
I’ll admit, this is a little exciting. How is the future?
Kevin:
Desolate.
Cecil:
Okay, not what I expected, if I’m honest.
Kevin:
Oh, what StrexCorp and their Smiling God did to my wonderful little
town. What they did to me. I’m not myself anymore. I’m a smile, and a
twitch of the wrist. It has been years, Cecil. I’ve drifted away from
myself. Sometimes I am one me, and then again I am the other. What
they did to the sentient heat trapped temporarily in my body.
Cecil:
Oh, Kevin.
Kevin:
“Kevin.” Even my name is a strange figment. My tongue has
forgotten how to form the word. And once, I was so good with words!
Now I am an ancient thing, withered away by what they did to me all
those years ago. The power of the Smiling God is an endless flow. It
ebbs, like the tides. But, like the tides, it returns.
I think about what I could have been if I had never encountered
Strex. I imagine an entire life without them. It makes me happy. I
picture every detail, I try to live it in real time, but it is only a
slight, sweet fiction, and dissolves like sugar into water.
Oh,
Cecil! I wish you had known me before…before Strex. Before it all,
when I was just a dedicated community radio host like you. I wish you
had– [static
cuts Kevin off]
Cecil:
But I did
know you, just now, Kevin! You sounded so excited about your town,
about your community…you were so happy! You were you!
Kevin? Kevin? Kevin!
Listeners, I must find this Kevin again. But first, I must take you
to the weather.
[“The
Heroine” by Unwoman]
Kevin:
Cecil? Cecil?
Cecil:
Yes, Kevin? I'm– I’m here.
Kevin:
Oh, good, I got you back. Lost you there for a moment.
Anyway, as I was saying, Strex wants to buy the radio station, but
I’ll never let them. I’ll fight them off, Cecil! I’ll defeat them!
Cecil:
Ah, it’s this
version of you.
Kevin:
There is only me, Cecil. I’m the only me
there is! And we’re gearing up to push Strex out. Grandma Josephine,
my oldest friend in town (both meanings of the word), Mayor Pablo
Mitchell, Lawrence Levine out on the Edgertown Development, we have
all had our differences in the past, sure, and we will have our
differences again. We can’t always be happy. But we love each other.
We are a community.
And sure, that community has a beautiful name. I mean, can you think
of a single more beautiful name than Desert Bluffs?
Cecil:
Obviously, any name. Like, literally,
any name.
Kevin:
But it’s not about the beautiful, beautiful name. It’s about the
people. A town is its people, and the good and the bad of them. And
that is what we are going to fight for. That is what we are going to
win
for.
Hey, you’re from the future! That means you know how this turns out!
Cecil:
Well, uh, y– y– yes, I do.
Kevin:
So? Do I win? Does everything go just as right as right could be?
Cecil:
… Yes.
You win, Kevin. Everything goes right. You and community radio
prevail. And you are happier than ever. Desert Bluffs is a wonderful
town, and you live happily in it.
Kevin:
Oh! That’s such good news! Thanks for telling me. I can’t wait for
the future to come! Though, I have no choice but to wait, I suppose.
That’s how the future works, scientists keep insisting. Scientists
are the worst, right?
Well, I’m sure I’ll talk to you again at some point in my life.
Until
next time, Cecil. Until next ti– [static
cuts Kevin off]
Cecil:
Goodbye, Kevin. I wish…
Does it matter?
Listeners, I…what do I say here? I– I wish things could have gone
differently, obviously. That is, obviously, what I wish. But they
didn’t.
What is the use of nostalgia for what didn’t happen when we have to
live with what did? Do I wish the food court at the mall still
existed? Sure. But it doesn’t.
Oh. Right. Sorry, uh, didn’t get a chance to update you. The whole
food court and everyone in it is totally gone now.
Anyway.
A counterpart that never was? A friend that I never had? A life that
was never lived. Could Night Vale and Desert Bluffs have been sister
towns? Was there a moment when that possibility drifted like breath
into frozen air until it wisped away into the cold truth of what
happened?
I don’t know. I heard only what you heard. I know only what you know.
Probably, you know more than me.
Stay tuned next for a feeling in your chest that will never quite sit
right with you again.
And goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.
Today’s
proverb: Candles lit, runes drawn upon the floor, sacrifice prepared.
Everything is ready for the summoning. I begin the incantation. “♫
Shakira Shakira! ♫”
Episode 74 - Civic Changes
Remember that you
are a beautiful person. You’re a weird-looking tree, but you’re a
beautiful person.
Welcome to Night
Vale.
Hello, listeners.
To start things off, I’ve been asked to re-read this brief notice:
The City Council
announces that no changes will be made to the Dog Park at the corner
of Earl and Somerset, near the Ralph’s. They would like to remind
everyone that dogs are not allowed in the Dog Park. People are not
allowed in the Dog Park.
It is possible you
will see Hooded Figures in the Dog Park.
Do not approach
them. Do not approach the Dog Park.
The fence is
electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the Dog Park,
and especially do not look for any period of time at the
Hooded Figures. The Dog Park will not harm you. The Dog Park is as it
always was.
“Shut up about
the Dog Park,” the City Council added in handwriting to the bottom
of the notice.
This reminder of
city rules is apparently in response to recent complaints by Night
Vale citizens over the secretive and exclusive nature of the
Dog Park. And these complaints are apparently in response to recent
activity by certain…community radio hosts, and…local scientists,
who surreptitiously used the Dog Park to go back and forth between
Night Vale and a desert otherworld, and then…announced said
activity to everyone over the airwaves.
Apparently. I’m not
sure. I mean, I’m not sure of anything, really. Who knows? I don’t.
Let’s have a look
now at sports.
The Night Vale High
School Scorpions already have their first district win of the season,
without actually having played a single district game. This Friday’s
football game against fierce rival Desert Bluffs has been forfeited
by the Vultures because of lack of funding. Desert Bluffs has been in
a steep year-long recession.
I mean, it’s an
awful city, but it’s hard not to feel bad. The town is facing record
unemployment and major setbacks in city programming after the buyout
and subsequent major restructuring last year of the only employer in
town, StrexCorp.
DBHS has had to cut
their athletic programs, as well as all music, history, trial
mocking, and math classes.
Next week, the
Night Vale Scorpions take on the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors, who are
coming off last year’s successful 9-1 season, which was due, in large
part, to all of their players being ghosts, and thus extremely
difficult to tackle.
The Scorpions will
need a lot of luck, as they will be without star running back Maliq
Herrera this season. After last year’s scandal, in which it was
revealed he wasn’t real, Herrera quit football to pursue his dreams
of becoming a conceptual artist. His current medium is woodcarvings
on living trees. He’s been at work in the Whispering Forest along the
east side of Night Vale, etching phrases like “You look nice
today!” and “I have always loved you!” into some of the cedar
trunks.
The Whispering
Forest usually lures humans with compliments, and then subsumes them,
turning them into trees as well. But, since Maliq doesn’t actually
exist, he’s immune to such pressure.
Oh! Guess what? We
have a new intern! She’s been with us the past couple of weeks,
handling our social media. I’m kind of an old fossil, and I’m not
really good at things like the internet.
Oh! In fact, I
think I’ve long since let my license to use a computer expire!
But, new intern
Danielle has really picked up the slack, transcribing my work emails
and my Hannibal fan poetry onto a Tumblr page. Intern Maureen used to
do all that but, since she left, I’ve had to lean on Danielle for all
of her expertise. Good work, Danielle! Hahaha!
Oh, speaking of
which, with the current controversy at the Dog Park, I’m gonna need
you to go down there and report on what’s happening.
Uh, Danielle is in
the producer’s booth, shaking her head no.
Danielle, you look
horrified! This is an easy story!
Huh? Uh-huh…
Oh, she's– she’s
writing something down.
OK, um, Danielle
just held her hand up to the plexiglass. She’s written on her palm in
black marker, “This position regularly puts interns in harm’s way,
and I would like to remain at my desk, where I am safe. I don’t want
to die. The Dog Park is not safe. Please understand and respect my
concerns. Sincerely, Danielle.”
Danielle also has
extremely legible handwriting and large palms.
OK. OK. I
understand that Danielle. I– I– I– I think you’re overreacting.
Uh, the last time I sent an intern to report a story at the Dog Park,
she became mayor! But OK, you do your thing.
Well, it sounds
like we’re getting our first eyewitness reports from the Dog Park.
Uh, we have on the phone right now John Peters – you know, the
farmer? Uh, John, are you at the Dog Park right now?
John Peters:
Howdy, Cecil, I sure am!
Cecil:
What’s happening down there? Are people demonstrating? Is it
peaceful?
John:
That all depends on your definition of “peaceful,” Cecil. I’m
looking right now at these people, they’re all in a long row,
standing upright and perfectly still – perhaps a slight sway to
each individual in the breeze, but otherwise perfectly planted and
stoic. They’re all so quiet, not a single sound – ‘cept some
incidental rustling, the mundane din of physical existence, that sort
of thing – but not a word’s being spoken.
Cecil:
This is amazing! I am so proud of our town, taking a nonviolent
approach towards civic change. This reminds me of the classic
sit-ins, where protest…
John:
That…well, like I said, Cecil, they ain’t sittin’, per se. They’re
all totally upright.
Cecil:
OK, sure, I know, I just meant…
John:
Well you should say what you mean. That’s a famous quote. You know
who said that?
Cecil:
Well, I know Lewis Carrol wrote…
John:
No.
Cecil:
Oh, uh, who said it, then?
John:
…And now there are birds soarin’ above, lots of black birds
circlin’ the rows of silent citizens. The birds are cawin’ and
landin’ on some of them. There’s one citizen in particular who’s
standing on a wood pipe, his arms spread wide, his head cocked, bent
to the side. He’s wearing a straw hat, and a smile of unnatural
geometry. His eyes are solid black, and seem to be protruding from
his rough face. The birds are avoiding this particular man. I think,
perhaps, he’s the leader of these people, as he also stands perfectly
still, perfectly silent.
He is
so stoic. So strong.
Cecil?
Cecil:
Yes, John?
John:
Cecil, I’m lookin’ straight at the sun right now…
Cecil:
Oh, John, don’t do that, that’s bad for you!
John:
So beautiful! It is so beautiful it hurts.
Cecil:
Uh, John?
John:
Oh! Here comes the cloud. That is such a relief.
Cecil:
So, are the people at the Dog Park carrying signs of any sort? Are
they wearing T-shirts with slogans, uh, anything like that?
John:
They’re just all green and leafy, rising from the dirt. Little tufts
of brownish hair on top. Some of the birds are peckin’ at their faces
now, eatin’ the bulbous golden flesh hidden beneath.
Shoo!
Git goin’, you birds!
Good.
I think the birds are leavin’. Oh! Nope, they’re just circlin’ back
to some other people further away. Oh, now they’re eatin’ them other
folks’ heads! Oh, it’s brutal, Cecil, it’s just brutal!
Cecil:
John, wait. Are you in a corn field?
John:
…Well…
Cecil:
It sounds an awful lot like a corn field.
John:
I don’t want to get into an argument with you about semiotics, Cecil,
but I know what I see.
Cecil:
Thanks for the update, John.
John:
Oh, you bet, Cecil! Always nice to talk to you.
Be gone, you birds!
Cecil:
And now, a word from our sponsor.
Today’s
show is sponsored by Knife.
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This
has been a word from our sponsors.
To
deal with the controversy surrounding the “no dogs or people in the
Dog Park” policy, Mayor Dana Cardinal (Oh! Hey, Danielle? That’s
the former intern I was talking about. You sure you don’t want to go
write a Dog Park story? OK, fine…) has sent her Director of
Emergency Press Conferences, Pamela Winchell, to deliver an emergency
press conference. Here is what she had to say:
Pamela Winchell:
Today is an important day in our city’s history. Today, citizens of
Night Vale have spoken, and they have said something. I wasn’t paying
attention. I can’t hear and see and understand every single
thought or feeling everyone is
having at every single moment. Someone is always trying to explain
things to me.
“Put
the car in reverse to go backwards!”
“Don’t
point that gun at me, Pamela!”
“Greenland
is mostly ice, whereas Iceland is actually Ireland misspelled!”
Always
someone over my shoulder, telling me how to do something, or someone
on my shoulder crying, or someone below my shoulder in a headlock.
It’s just too much for me to take in.
So,
some of you are against the Dog Park. Or, maybe you are against the
people against the Dog Park. I don’t know. Who can tell? Maybe you’re
against dogs who are parking. Why would dogs park? Dogs can’t drive!
[Gasp]
Wait…did you mean dogs barking?
Are you against the “dog bark?” Oh-ho-ho-ho-hee-hee ye-ah. I’m
with you on that. There is nothing worse than an idiot dog voicing
its idiot opinion. Keep it to yourself, King Charles! Nobody asked!
Well,
maybe someone did. I once asked a dog, “Who’s a good girl?” And
it was silent. It didn’t know. Or, it didn’t want to say. Either
possibility makes me sad. I’m still sad about this. Let’s have a
moment of silence for my sadness.
…
OK.
I’m still sad, though. But the sadness sits better with me.
Did
you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to think about
being sad? It’s true.
No
questions! I’m taking no questions! We’re done here!
Oh,
before I forget…Cecil, can we move our coffee date from Tuesday to
Wednesday? I have a dental appointment Tuesday. I – ha! – I’d
almost forgot why I’d originally called. Hah. Call me back, OK?
[Answering machine beeps]
Cecil:
Oh. I guess that was just a voice mail from Pamela, not a press
conference.
Never
mind.
And
now, an update on the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s.
The
group of huddlers that meet at the hole and huddle have now taken up
nestling.
“We’re
done huddling,” said a spokesperson for the group.
No one
knows who these former huddlers – current nestlers – are, nor
their regularly scheduled nestling times, just that the like to
nestle in the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s. They
also like it when other people come join them. They formerly enjoyed
huddling, but now their new thing is nestling.
“Come
nestle with us,” their press release reads. “What’s the worst
that could happen? We don’t know. And we’d like to find out,” it
concludes.
A
spokesperson for the group issued a new statement just now:
“Do
not assume we like nestling, or dislike huddling. Nestling just is.
Huddling just was.
This is everything,” the statement reads.
So, go
nestle.
Also,
Ralph’s is a proud sponsor of our station, so maybe get some shopping
done as well. Um, probably do the shopping part first.
We’re
getting word that the people at the Dog Park have begun shouting at
the Hooded Figures who inhabit the Dog Park. They are shouting things
like, “I do not like the Dog Park policy!” and “Please, can my
dog and I come play in the park?” and “That’s a nice park!”
Some
of the dog owners have begun holding up spit-soaked tennis balls and
well-chewed Frisbees, and they are demanding that they be let into
the Dog Park so that they may get some exercise with their loving and
loyal canine companions. One of them even shouted, “My dog has to
pee really badly! See?” and then they pointed at their dog, and the
dog was shifting its weight nervously from leg to leg, its eyes
anxious, and its cheeks obviously flush underneath the dark fur.
In
response to this heightened civil disobedience, Mayor Cardinal
announce that she and the City Council will hold a meeting today to
discuss their various options for changing the Dog Park policy. The
City Council, speaking in unison, said they hated this idea, and then
they sent a dozen or so helicopters across the city of Night Vale,
spraying every citizen with sedatives.
Well,
it sounds like maybe some headway will be made at the Dog Park. I
hope it is soon, as things have gotten confrontational. I hope that
[yawn] Oh, my gosh
[yawn continues].
I
better take us, before I drift off, to the…weath…mmm…mm [Cecil
snores and exhales]
[“I
Love You Oddly” by Rebecca
Angel]
Good news! That
sedative-assisted midday nap left me well rested and full of vim and
pep.
Oh. More good news.
After hours of meetings between the mayor and the City Council, the
Dog Park has been officially opened up to use by dogs – a first in
its three years of existence. There are some rules and guidelines for
Dog Park usage, of course, as outlined just now by the City Council.
First, anyone
wishing to take their dog to the Dog Park must have a dog.
Second, dog owners
must submit proper paperwork proving that they are blood-related to
their dog.
Third, after a
municipal review committee approves the application, a Hooded Figure
will take the dog into the Dog Park and play with the dog, using
city-approved Frisbees, sticks, and balls.
Dog owners may not
accompany the Hooded Figures during this time, and will be safely
packed away in Styrofoam containers for the duration of the Dog Park
program.
The
City Council added that there will be a slight
bump in gasoline taxes to pay for this new program. Also, they will
be building new higher obsidian fencing around the Dog Park. They
added that dogs who go into the Dog Park as part of this new program
will not be returned to their owners.
Finally,
they’ve hired Troy Walsh Landscaping to plant new white lily gardens
around the perimeter of the Dog Park. Troy is sure great at
everything he does, so that should be real pretty!
Well,
good job, Night Vale! It’s a small step forward, but your voices were
heard. So often we think that politics is just arguing about who
should pretend to be president, but real change starts here at home,
with your streets and neighborhoods and communities.
I’m
proud of the great work done by our citizens today. We all came
together over an issue important to the people, and we were heard by
our leaders. How inspiring!
As
the old saying goes, “horses leave hoof prints on your heart.”
That doesn’t have anything to do with, uh, togetherness or change,
it’s just a warning that horses are dangerous and will try to kill
you. Know that, and you can accomplish anything.
Stay
tuned next for a review of the popular new film, “Unedited CC TV
Footage: Citgo #4172, Left Rear Cam.”
And
as always, goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.
Today’s
proverb: The word “motel” is an amalgam of the words “hotel”
and “murder.”