Episode 93 - Big Sister
Find it in your heart. You’ll need to break past the ribs, and then scoop it out. But it’s in there, and you need to find it. Quickly.
Welcome to Night Vale.
To start the news today, there’s a bake sale this Saturday afternoon at Night Vale Elementary. This is to raise money for a new sculpture to honor the great contributions made by the current School Board president, the Glow Cloud.
The Glow Cloud is mighty and magnificent! All hail the powerful Gowing Cloud which rules our every desire, our every action, our very existence! All hail that which did not create us, but can certainly destroy us.
The sculpture will serve as a physical manifestation of our fealty to the benevolent (yet oppressive) Cloud, who has helped increase standardized test scores at every school, as well as graduation rates at Night Vale High. The Glow Cloud (ALL HAIL!) also helped to build a brand new Fine Arts Center and rehearsal studios for music programs at the junior high, so good work! Well deserved.
In unrelated news, several five-headed dragons have been seen around Night Vale. Night Vale’s most famous five-headed dragon (really the only dragon we know in Night Vale) is Hiram McDaniels, who is currently in prison, slated for execution for his attempt to kill Mayor Dana Cardinal.
None of these new dragons are Hiram, but they’re all five-headed and quite large.
My intern Kareem reports that the apparent leader of these new dragons is Hadassah McDaniels, Hiram’s sister. Not sure what their intentions are, but…I bet they’re innocuous. Just some dragons passing through!
Kareem argues that their intentions seem rather sinister. For instance, they nearly burned down the Pinkberry by the mall.
You know, a few weeks ago I asked for mochi on my order at that Pinkberry, and they put crushed peanuts on it, as if anybody likes that garbage? So, I don’t know. Innocuous, sinister…six one way, half a dozen the other, 1.5 times 4 another way.
Listeners, can I just take a moment to thank our intrepid intern Kareem? He’s been at the station for a long time, a dedication few of our interns have ever shown. In fact, most radio interns leave in the first few weeks, never to be heard from again. Not Kareem! He’s truly loyal to this station and to his radio dreams. I think he’ll have a long career ahead of him.
Haha! Kareem is cocking his head and raising one eyebrow at me. Kind of a face-based thumbs-up, I suppose.
Ha! You’re welcome, Kareem!
Let’s have a look now at sports.
The Night Vale High School Scorpions kick off their season this Friday night at Memorial Stadium against the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors. Night Vale’s new quarterback, sophomore Mallory Willingham, won the starting job over junior Henry Lexington, who really struggled last year with some of the basic concepts of throwing…like which arm to use.
In the season finale last December, Lexington brought a third arm he found in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s. He used that arm to throw for five touchdowns in a victory over the Stone Meadow Shark Nurses. But even with this impressive finale, coach Nazr al-Mujaheed said he preferred the consistency Willingham brought to the position.
“Willingham has great vision!” coach al-Mujaheed said, while crouching behind a large cardboard box in the corner of his office. “She can see things no one else can!” the coach screamed, his body quivering. “She can see your soul, right into it!” he whispered, while still screaming.
“She’s coming! Hide! She’s coming!” he said, suddenly, as he barricaded his office by hammering wood planks over the door.
Willingham sounds like just what this team needs to make the playoff once again.
Tim Langley, head of the Night Vale chapter of the NRA, announced today some changes to their charter, saying that, from now on, the NRA will no longer use the words gun, rifle, pistol, semi-automatic, or revolver. Instead, those words (and related words) will be replaced by the word “kitten.” As in “Kittens don’t kill people, people kill people” and “Going down, kittens a-blazing” and “well, if you’re holding a kitten to my head…”
Langley said the word “gun” carries too many negative connotations, while the word “kitten” does not. Langley stressed the importance of positive language when attempting to rally a public behind an organization with such monstrous political beliefs.
Langley and the NRA then distributed flyers across town that read, “Don’t let the government take our kittens!” which caused several excited residents to call City Hall. They demanded to know whether the government truly planned to come to their homes and take away their kittens. Because, the residents said, their cat just had a bunch of kittens, and they’re having trouble finding homes for them. So, if the government wants to take some kittens, please, by all means, come to our house and take them!
This then excited the members of the City Council, who apparently eat kittens. They ruched out, answering every call for kittens. But then, upon seeing that many of the residents who had kittens also had guns in their homes, well the City Council ordered the guns removed.
“Yeah, we’ve lost our appetite for kittens,” the Council snarled in unison. “We’re now entering every home in Night Vale and taking away your guns.
An update on the dragons:
Kareem
scored a prison interview with Hiram McDaniels. Hiram’s gold, green,
blue, and gray heads have been sentenced to death for trying to kill
Mayor Cardinal. According to Kareem, Hiram has been shackled inside a
large stone room. Just outside his barred window, Hiram can see
prison guards inflating colorful mylar balloons that read, “Execution
Day” and “Congrats” and “Lordy, Lordy, Guess Who’s 40?”
– but “40?” has been crossed out and replaced with a
hand-written “Being Terminated!”
His violet head will be spared, since he did not participate in the attack on the mayor – and, in fact, thwarted the assassination attempt. Just last month, Hiram’s violet head received the Sheriff’s Black Heart Medal for Bravery and Service to the Community. Sheriff Sam themself pinned it right onto Violet’s thick scaly skin.
Kareem reports that in spite of his pending execution, Hiram is in good spirits. Hiram’s gold head told Kareem, “Son, I’m not worried. I’ve got some plans in the works. Some really smart plans.” Then Hiram winked four times, with one eye on each of his hour heads up for execution.
Violet did not wink, only glowered, saying, “It’ll never work! The government will find out!”
Hiram’s green head snarled, “Complaining is not a strategy! We need solution-based contributions!”
Kareem asked Hiram if these plans involved inviting his sister and all the other dragons into town. Hiram went silent.
“Now…now, that’s not it at all!” his gold head replied.
“That’s not logical! It makes no sense for her to be here,” Hiram’s blue head stated.
“Night Vale is doomed, but I am too, so who cares?” his gray head concluded.
More on this as it develops. But first, a word from our sponsor.
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Intern Kareem says he has seen Hadassah in downtown near City Hall, accompanied by several other multi-headed dragons. She’s a full ten feet taller than Hiram, and like Hiram, Hadassah has exactly five heads. But instead of being several different colors, each are green. Each one shouts simultaneously (overlapping, though; not in unison), “Bring me my brother!” and “I will crush your human skulls in my claws!” and “That’s not a knife, this is a knife!” And then, arcing toward the sky, a great breath of fire – which Kareen said did not resemble a knife at all.
Just an aside, listeners, Kareem has always been a bit of a cynic. He used to say he didn’t think Hiram McDaniels wasn’t really a five-headed dragon, but an elaborate metaphor I made up for a dangerous man. A strange point of view for a young man who openly acknowledges the existence of angels, so…I hope he understands now that Hadassah’s knife comment was a metaphor. The dragons themselves are a literality.
Anyway, it’s good that these young interns get a chance to see the world for themselves, rather than just in textbooks and classrooms. I do hope that Kareem is getting a lot lot out of the–
…And I just got word from Kareem that he thinks he broke his ankle diving out of the way of Hadassahs’s flaming breath as she stormed towards City Hall.
I don’t use metaphors lightly, Kareem. Dragons are real, young man!
Mayor cardinal and Sheriff Sam have appeared on the steps of City Hall.
Kareem, who is trying ti maintain consciousness in the face of crippling pain, says they are confronting Hadassah directly. Dana is extending an open palm as a welcoming show of peace. Sam is clenching their shotgun and shouting at the dragons, “Keep your wig on, you overgrown salamanders!”
Behind them, a large cloud – glowing and rumbling, dropping dead animals. ALL HAIL! a few of the dragons are whispering upon seeing the cloud approach.
But not Hadassah.
Dana is waving a hand to both Sam and the Glow Cloud to stand down, bu the dragons are closing in on her.
Listeners, has Hadassah come to finish what Hiram started? I told Kareem to get out of there (but also to get closer to the action – really try to get that story) but also to gt very far away.
As we wait to learn Dana’s fate, let me take you know to the weather.
[“Mary On a Wave” by Okkervil River]
Kareem has gotten himself to the hospital to get his ankle looked at. Seems he’ll need to be in a cast for a few weeks, but fortunately, before he passed out from the pain, he managed to get a report of what happened at City Hall.
Mayor Cardinal stepped toward Hadassah and welcomed her to the city. Dana was cautious, and graceful.
Hadassah sneered at Sam and their shotgun, until Dana told Sam to lower the weapon. Hadassah screamed at Dana, “We do not come in peace. We com with lawyers!”
Then several of the dragons behind her retched fire into the sky…apparently in agreement? Or to signal that they were the lawyers? Or perhaps they saw some idiot bird fly too close to them?
Hadassah introduced her cousin, Miriam Adleman, and two of her close friends, Tara Partridge and George Andrews, who are all lawyers brought here to discuss the imprisonment and threatened execution of the citizen of their world.
Sam said, “You’re not welcome here,” and then, to empathize their point, crafted a papier-mâché horn-of-plenty filled with artichokes.
Hours later, after Sam finished the sculpture, Dana said, “but you are welcome here! We welcome all people!”
Hadassah said, “We are not people!”
Dana disagreed. “You are sentient, you have cares, you have families and careers, and community. You love and you fear others. I respect you and you respect me, because we are all people, even if we are not all human or dragon. Respect does not need to include “getting along with” or “fully understanding,” but simply acknowledging that those things are possible. Because of sovereignty and sentience. Because we respect people as people, you are welcome in Night Vale.”
There was a long silence. Then, Sheriff Sam slapped their forehead and groaned. “What are you doing, mayor? This is a blinking disaster!”
The Glow Cloud shrunk away, disappointed (or scared…or possibly bored, or something). It’s hard to tell exactly how clouds feel just by looking at them.
Dana and Sam argued over how welcome the dragons were until Hadassah roared, “THANK YOU MAYOR!” and Miriam agreed. Her beige head saying, “This will do nicely. I’ll find ourselves a suitable extended-stay Hotel.
Miriam’s maroon head said, “I normally don’t trust humans, but…she seems kind.
Miriams’s purple head uttred, “Kindness and trust are not related.”
Dana and the dragons shook hands/claws, as did Sam (although reluctantly).
Hadassah shouted, “We begin negotiations next week!”
So it looks like we have some new residents in Night Vale! I really appreciate Dana and her openness to people from all backgrounds. She’s one of the kindest and most fair people I know. I cannot think of a better mayor.
But, given what happened to Kareem today, I’m worried about the violent nature of dragons. Not that they’ll intentionally destroy us, necessarily, but just the physical destruction that comes with beings a dozen times your size.
Oh, Kareem just texted me, by the way. I guess he’s listening to the show right now from the hospital. He says, “When elephants dance, the grass gets trampled.”
Hmm. Kareem sounds confused. There are no elephants in town, and every little grass, so…you know what? I’m going to text Kareem back and explain to him what an elephant is. I mean, he may not know.
Stay tuned next for the sound of distant drums and cannons.
And as always, goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.
Today’s proverb: Drive it like you stole it, but you stole it because you really loved it, and you would not like to see it damaged. Basically, drive carefully.