113 - Niecelet
Gooooooood eevening, fine citizens. I’m your late night host this week, here to keep you company after sundownn.
Welcome to Night Vale!
As you regular listeners already know, I took over the night shifts this week, because I’ve been spending my days with a very special house guest. Well, more like one and a half house guests. My favorite cousin Sabina is visiting, and she’s 7 months pregnant with what will be my second ever niece. Well, my first ever niece once removed. First ever niece once removed? That takes too long, let’s do – “niecelet”.
My sister’s daughter Janice is a teenager. It’s been so long since I’ve had a new baby in my family so, if you hear a certain knowing, avuncular quality in my voice, it’s because you are listening to an expecting uncle. I’m already getting some of those leather patches sewed onto the elbows of my windbreaker.
All week, Sabina and I have been reading baby books, and I am a veritable expert at this point. A baby at 7 months is as big as an eggplant. She can already get the hiccups and déjà-baby-vu, and has a fully developed sense of comedic timing. I’m holding an eggplant with me here in this studio to practice supporting her neck. Also to make sure I have something to eat when I get home. Sabina’s cleaned out the fridge pretty thoroughly.
Back at my place, Sabina’s been keeping the radio on 24/7, so the niecelet will know the owner of this dulcet baritone already loves her very much. Hello, almost-niece!
Doing all this reading together, it seems crazy to learn just how vulnerable we are, when we first enter the world. Did you know that a newborn doesn’t even have kneecaps yet? That it has a hole in the top of its skull, which must be taped shut so the newborn does not escape through it during the night? It’s amazing any of us survive to the shaming ceremonies at all!
Speaking of rites of passage, the annual Night Vale Science Fair is scheduled for this Monday night. Every fourth grader is expected to report to the Rec Center for a fun-filled evening of free programs and live demonstrations. Organizers say the kiddos will have a chance to make a 1:1 scale volcano, that spews real ash and molten igneous rock. They’ll learn how a pile of pennies can be transformed into a battery, simply by taking those pennies to Walgreens and exchanging them for a pack of Duracell double A’s. They’ll learn about about centripetal force by pouring a bucket full of water, and then filling out a worksheet on centripetal force. They’ll plant a bean sprout in a Styrofoam cup that won’t disintegrate until their grandchildren have set off on exploratory missions to find another planet that can support bean sprouts.
Hmm, what else might be on the Community Calendar this week, you ask? Well, let me work at my own pace over here, OK pal? Like all jobs worth doing, this one takes focus and patience. You can’t just rush through it. As my optometrist says, “measure twice, cut once, then do the left eye.” So I guess that’s really measure four times total and cut two times, but I had an astigmatism so I ended up just sticking with contacts anyway.
Sooo.. [papers rustling] let’s see here. [clears throat] M-h-h-h-hmm, this week’s events. On Tuesday night, head over to the Band Shell to hear a set from Ouroboros, the rock band that only plays covers of their own songs. Wednesday, Ablution in Fresca to celebrate the start of the Andorran New Year. Thursday is Thirsty Thursday. Consume no liquids. You’re gonna get real thirsty! Friday has been indefinitely delayed by weather at O’Hare, and is now pleading with a United representative for a hotel voucher to avoid sleeping in a plastic chair in Concourse C.
Early morning on Saturday, we are in for a rare astronomical treat. The Earth will fully eclipse the Sun, blotting out its light completely, so that only a ring of wispy blue remains visible against the blackness. Now this eclipse will not be observable on Earth, of course, and to our knowledge there is no planet on which this phenomenon could be observed. There’s just nothing on that particular vector in space, but at 4:13 AM on Saturday morning, the total eclipse will occur, and that blue corona will shine softly in the dark, like a delicate smoke ring. And that dim blue halo will represent the entirety of us. Our dramas, dreams, and disappointments. The first ride without the training wheels. Our 8th grade dances. Our double Windsors and our veils, our sleepless nights in waiting rooms. Our rush hour commuters, our dozing through recitals til the one we love goes on. Our crying in the car as the one we love leaves home. Just that thin filament of blue, on which we wage our peace.
The on Sunday, tacos and gun safety with Three-eyed Bill at First Methodist.
Stay tuned, savvy listeners, for in a moment I’ll be sharing Night Vale’s third quarter economic development report. To my knowledge, we’ve never had an economic development report before for any quarter, but the press release looked official, and we all know that new municipal arms of government form all the time. Arms that then pull back to be reabsorbed by the government shoulder from which they sprouted.
But before crunching those numbers, a quick message from today’s sponsor.
Equinox Gym. At Equinox, we focus on the whole body. Particularly, the soft and vulnerable parts of that body. Stop by our windowless complex today to meet with a dietician about this month’s promotion, the Zima cleanse. Or for even faster results, nothing torches calories like our calorie torch. Also, new members this week to Equinox receive 60 days of free access to our popular Judgment Spa. This has been a word from our sponsor.
[booming voice] Now to business news. Whoa! Did that sound unusually powerful to you? Ooh, I sorta took myself by surprise there, like I grew a suit or something! [chuckles] [clears throat] The Night Vale Economic Development Board, or NV-ec-dev-B for short and cumbersome, sent a press release at the closing bell of the Night Vale stock exchange. The bulletin said that futures are down, way down. Although the recent past is trading briskly. In response to declining levels of interests, NV-ec-dev-B plans to incentivize consumer spending. At the start of tomorrow’s business day, they’ll launch an abject prompt campaign of xenophobia, branded as nationalism, branded as civic bride, branded as a 2008 F150 Ford truck with satellite radio, air conditioned seats, and a heavy-duty hitch to haul away whatever it is you’re trying to hide.
So make plans this weekend to head out towards the used car lot with your hands in the air and your checkbook in your mouth, to meet with a sales person about financing options. You might be surprised by how few years of indentured servitude can you get you behind the wheel of a Ford truck.
You know what cars make me think of? Well, Carlos. I guess, but everything makes me think of Carlos. And his name is an anagram of “Lo cars”. He’s out of town at Erlenmeyer Flask Con this week, and I miss something fierce! But what I was going to say is that the thought of buying a car reminds me of my niecelet! It’s extraordinary to think that she’ll be a teenager some day, getting her driver’s permit, then her license, then her crossbow - going through all of these phases we all pass through. It’s like there’s a future attached to her already. Inside Sabina, there’s a baby, and seated inside the baby there’s the toddler. And within her are the blueprints for the girl. And soon, she’ll be out here learning to play the sitar and considering vegetarianism, then voting and buying lottery tickets. Well, those are the same thing really. And I’ll get to bear witness to this blooming life. Some day, she might even decide to have a niece of her own.
[tearily] Oh, OK. Um, something is in young Cecil’s eye over here. Ooh! Hang tight, team, I’m just gonna run out and grab a bunch of tissues from the supply closet to remove this bothersome… [key turns in lock, falls down] OK, listeners, I must admit I’m in a state of concerned agitation here. When I tried to open the door of the studio, the handle – came off in my hand and and and and when I went to reinsert it, I found that the hole was (tamped) full of soft hot tar, which cannot be up to code. So now I find myself in a small, soundproof, airtight room with a doorless handle in my left hand and a handle-less door before me. I’m uh… Huh… I’m- I’m I’m uncertain of just how to proceed, uh, I can’t imagine there’s more than a few hours’ worth of oxygen in here, even if the studio’s potted fern works double duty on converting the carbon dioxide.
Oh man and of course, I left my phone in my jeans in the other room, you know, after I changed into my professional radio hosting unitard. I, OK, I need some time to assess the situation.
I’ll leave you to the weather.
[Weather: “If We Live” by Disparition]
OK. OK, OK, alright calm down, calm down Cecil, calm down, and you can beat this. be like the patient viper who does not strike until his prey is upon him. [sharp exhale] Be like the praying mantis whose head is a guitar pick. Keep your heart rate low and your focus steady, and good God, sit down, man. Save your strength. Breathe deep enough to get the air inside your brain and think. What would an uncle do?
Hmmm. Hummmmmmmm. [getting faster and higher] Hmmmmmmmmmmm, hmmmmmmmmmmm-hmmmmmmmmmmmm… Oh! OK, I’ve got it. Easy, I just need one of you to come and open the door. [chuckles] OK, here I am behaving like I’m alone, but of course I’m not alone, ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, I’ve got all of Night Vale listening. Ooh, that is a relief! Come to think of it, I imagine hundreds of you may be on your way already, and I can’t have the whole town rushing over all at once. That would cause traffic jams, hysteria, straightline winds gusting up to 60 knots. [laughs] If you’re on your way, just shoot quick flare into the sky, so that everybody knows you’re the one on the way. M-more importantly so that I know you’re on the way.
You guys, it’s like 8 PM, you’re not all in your PJ’s yet. Just need one person to make the trip. It’s like an 8-minute drive from your apartment, come on! Is… Is no one listening? I mean, the memo from management at the last all-staff meeting did mention low late night ratings but – this is not low, this is talking into a tin can on string whose other end is tied to a fire hydrant at the bottom of the sea, this is utter futility, this is falling in the woods and no one’s there to hear you. This is not seeing the Cecil for the trees, this is – Kafka meets Becket and tells him to talk to the hand. This is – stop, full stop. Cecil. [deep breath] This indignation does me no good at all. Just burns through my oxygen supply, which is running low already. This rate, I’ll never survive until the morning commuters tune in. Just think, Cecil. Think like an uncle.
Ooh. That’s it! There is at least one person listening. Babies never sleep thru the night, right? So you, niecelet, you should be able to hear me. Tho I imagine the sound of my voice may be muffled by the blankets on the guest bed and Sabina’s abdominal muscles. Alright, niecelet, I need you. We’ve got to find a way to wake up Sabina. I need you to kick, brace your little elbows on the soft wall behind you and really kick! Aim for a spot under the ribs, that roof of bone above you. And again. [pants rhythmically] Kick! Good, again! [pants rhythmically] Kick! Good, again! Now give it everything you’ve got this time! Sabina, wake up! This is an emergency! Wake u-
Oh. The station phone is ringing. God I forgot we even had this. uh caller, you’re on the air.
Sabina: Hey, Cecil. The baby was keeping me up and I turned on the station and-
Cecil: Sabina! Oh, thank God you’re awake! No, no it’s not a shtick, listen. I am trapped in the studio and I just need someone to open the door from the outs-
Sabina: Oh OK, I’ll be right there. But I’m starving, I may stop by Subway for a mashed potato and Nutella sandwich.
Cecil: No, please come now! We’ve got snacks in the breakroom pantry.. I think. I’ll set you up with some (gorb and gevilta) fish.
Sabina: Alright. Hey, did you know that there’s a faceless old woman living in your home? She keeps trying to put lotion on my belly, while I’m sleeping.
Cecil: Yeah, she does that. Listen, my spare office keys are by the lucky cat. See you soon, and thank you Sabina!
Sabina: Hey, enough with the lotion, lady!
Ooooohh. And thank you, niecelet! At negative two months old, you’ve already saved a life! And somehow I get the feeling mine might be just the first of many. If you need bailing out of a tight spot some day, you know who to call. I’m the baritone you can count on any time, kid, day or night shift.
Ahhh, man! I can’t wait for that door to open so I can get a lungful of fresh air. Oh, it’s funny how small a room can feel when you’re not allowed to leave. Oh, sorry I [chuckles] forgot who I was talking to for a second. Well, as soon as you’re out here breathing air yourself, I’m getting you a pair of cleats and a pair of baby shinguards and a baby cape, too. I can’t wait to meet you, little hero of a niecelet! But first, I’m making your mother some midnight eggplant parmesan.
Stay tuned next for the sounds of a door opening, a rush of oxygen-rich air, and a wheezing celebration of an overworked respiratory system. Aany second now. Aaaany second. Aaaaaanyyyy secondd.
[long silence]
Today’s proverb: Follow your heart. You need it. Where did it ever learn to walk?
114 - Council Member Flynn, part 1
At least their heart’s in the right place, I say, softly running my hand across a plastic takeout container.
Welcome to Night Vale.
In light of a string of armed robberies across Night Vale, the City Council today called a press conference. They announced in unison that they are greatly disturbed by this crime wave, because it means that they’ve had to put their vacation plans on hold. They really want to find a nice autumn spot to spend a month or two leaf-peeping, maybe kayaking if the sun’s out. But no, now someone’s running around town waving a gun and robbing stores. Plus they have this new City Council member, 16-year-old Tamika Flynn, who they’re trying to train. And now with all the robberies, the transition of their new member is going much more slowly. “Also,” they added, crime waves require so much paperwork and we’re way behind! You people.” And here the Council pointed their many fingers at the gathered citizens and press. “You! People!”
Yesterday’s robbery of the Ralph’s only resulted in the theft of 72 dollars and an endcap of Chex Party Mix. And while nobody was hurt, this was the 12th robbery in the past week. Weekday shift manager at the Ralph’s, Charlie Bear, described the robber as a slight person with a high voice, wearing coveralls and a black leather mask. The robber demanded whatever money Charlie could grab, so he emptied his bank mag of petty cash. But when he went to unlock the register, which had several hundred dollars, the robber had already left.
City Council, waving their many limbs in frustration, asked for calm. “Everything’s fine,” they said unconvincingly. “It’s fine!” they repeated, but the agitated crowd continued to scream and clutch their chests. “Please be chill, it’s going to be fine!” the City Council roared with their many discordant voices from one body. But for some reason, the crowd just wasn’t feeling fine.
And now a look at sports. The Night Vale High School wheelchair basketball team defeated the Sand Planes Snakeguarders 60 to 58 last night in the pre-season state basketball tournament. This weekend they will take on the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors in the finals. The Lizard Monitors were the division champions last year, going undefeated in the regular season. But the Night Vale Scorpions are being led this year by sophomore point card and my niece, Janice Palmer. Janice led the division last year in assist..s, which is a statistic.. of some kind. I asked my brother in law Steve Carlsberg, who is an offensive coach on his daughter’s team, what an assist was and he explained it, at length. But I forget exactly what he said. It-it-it-it made sense at the time, it’s it’s like a numerical measure of how helpful a person is, and Janice led our division last year in helpfulness. So here’s hoping that continues. Good luck, Scorpions! Go get’em, Janice!
And now a word from our sponsors. Today’s show is brought to you by the new green market co-op, which just opened up on Galloway Road between Patty’s Hardware and Discount Pastries and one of those escape-the-room places, where you wake up in a bath tub chained to a pipe, and there’s another person across the room also chained to a pipe, and in the middle of the room is a dead body with a gun and a cassette player? Yeah, I hear those are great fun. Green market co-op owner Tristan Cortez said he opened the new store to provide a safe space for all your produce optics and food content transactions. Too often, the people who eat food don’t know where they are, or why they are, and they cry. They just sob in the middle of a store, afraid. Well, the new green market co-op store front on Galloway Road won’t let that happen, Cortez said. He said he will there every day to hold your hand, to nuzzle your neck with his nose, to whisper to you: “Don’t be afraid”, as he hands you an eggplant.
Oh, a quick aside, listeners. Did you know that people in Europe don’t call them “eggplants”? They call them “aubergines”. They also call arugula “rocket”, oranges “dipdops”, Boston lettuce “Dublin weeds”, and plums “swole grapes”. Anyway, Cortez said building the new store was his daughter Camilla’s idea. She’s an undergraduate studying business, and according to Camilla’s intensive research into the matter, she found having a physical location would be a huge boost in sales for a grocery store. So come on down to the brand new green market co-op. You’re not safe anywhere but here.
Only minutes after their initial press conference, the City Council called another press conference. There was no new news on the ongoing burglaries, they just wanted to say that it used to be different, this town, this whole area. “Nah you don’t understand,” they said. “We are centuries old,” the City Council said. “We were born in caves far beyond this desert, and we wandered until we found a place we could call home. We swam rivers, navigated forests, even climbed mountains. Yes Night Vale, there are mountains. For we have not only seen them, but crested them, and we ended up here in Night Vale. We were many-voiced, but also many-bodied then, like all of you. We wore crowns made of soft meat, and taught ourselves magical spells, and used mind control on birds!” the Council continued. “We ran this town, and the people who settled here feared us! They respected us, too. Respected the blank out of us, like respect coming out the blank. Blanking respectful as blank. You know?” The City Council coughed slightly and asked for a can of Pamplemousse la Croix from one of their aides, as they thumbed thru their notes.
“But one day, our magic failed us, and our many bodies became one body,” the Council said, still in unison. “It was Deborah that messed up the spell.”
“I did not!” came a single voice from the City Council’s body. “Did too!” came a different single voice. “Your handwriting is garbage, Germaine!” said the first voice. “Stop it, both of you!” the Council shouted in unison.
They continued: “And over the years, our legend, our mystique, has faded in the eyes of Night Vale. We were seen as fallible, as weak, as protectors of an old guard. And now as we witnessed this new face, this young Tamika Flynn, join our ranks we are reminded that the world moves on. The world is always growing older, and younger at the same time.” The City Council sighed. “I guess what we’re trying to say is millennials are ruining everything with their civic involvement and their lack of magic, and their disregard for wearing soft meats on their heads. So entitled, this genere-”
Just then, Tamika Flynn appeared at the site of the podium, and there was a long silnece. “Awkwardd!” The City Council sang. Tamika stepped ofrward to say she completed the paperwork to increase temporary funding for police overtime, in light of the recent wave of robberies. “Rad, thanks!” said the Council. “Do the young people still say ‘rad’?” the Council asked Tamika who replied, “I gotta get back to the Mayor’s office to ask about financial relief for robbery victims,” and left.
Let’s have a quick look at traffic. Last week’s storms flooded the old cemetery down in the lowlands in Old Town Night Vale, and several human remains were washed out of their burials into Route 32. It wasn’t, like, skeletons or anything. I mean, there were a few skeletons and three or four really well preserved bodies, like skin and clothing and everything, but for the most part, it was just kind of a pulpy mud that blocked the road. Transportation department crews are still working on clearing the roadways, but it’s super gross, so the workers are vomiting a lot. Which is causing motorists on Route 32 to vomit as well, which is really slowing things down. So avoid Route 32 and take 9A instead. This has been traffic.
Listeners, only minutes after their last press conference, which was minutes after the first press conference, the City Council called another press conference. This time with Tamika Flynn. They said, “We’re still trying to teach this young one about how to council a city, so we brought her up here to shadow us. She’s a single-voiced, separately-bodied entity. Yet, she still has not joined our form! She walks and talks separate from us, and that is not how a city council should operate!” they said in unison, attempting to stare down the teenage council member. “It goes against Robert’s rules of order, Miss Flynn,” the City Council hissed condescendingly. “Anyway,” they said, “we’re having a third press conference, because there was another armed robbery just now, at the Spiky Hammer coffee shop, over near the Science District. The perpetrator stole the tip jar, which contained well over 17 dollars. They also stole a French press, but like, a really nice stainless steel insulated one, not that tempered glass garbage.” The crowd murmured their panic, and the City Council shouted, “It’s fine, try calming down for once, geez!” which had the opposite effect of calming.
Tamika then leaned over and said quietly to the Council, “They were calm. Listen, we can fix this, this is not a problem.” The City Council said, “You’re a problem!” “Am not,” Tamika quipped. “Yuh huh!” As of this report, the “am not” versus “yuh huh” debate is continuing on the press podium at City Hall. The gathered crowd of alarmed citizens has begun clawing at each other’s faces and screaming things like, “17 dollars!” and “It could have been us!” and “A glass French press? What are we, monsters?” More on this story as we get updates.
But next, let’s have a look at today’s weather.
[”Song For Myself" by Bears with Eagle Arms]
Well. The City Council press conference is still going on. But it looks like the argument has resolved, and only Tamika Flynn remains at the podium. She has stepped to the mic, paused dramatically and stoically, and then begun speaking. Here is her speech.
“People of Night Vale. Have I not fought librarians? Have I not flown helicopters and battled corporate overlords? Have I not read all 9 volumes of William Faulkner’s epic anthology, “Alexander and the Terrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day”?
People of Night Vale, have I not always been there for you, to serve you, to protect you? Have I not proven that I can defeat a small-time armed robber?
You have nothing to fear. Not just because I’m here, but because the City Council is here. We are a complementary balance of incredible talents. My talent is weapon skills, intolerance for wickedness, and a love of books. The other council members’ talent is enjoying long vacations during difficult times. The rest of the City Council and I have come to an agreement. To make this town safe, I will work closely with Sheriff Sam and the Secret Police and the Mayor to make Night Vale more secure. The other members of the council will take a month-long trip to Traverse City, Minchigane. They told me they only recently learned that Milshtafudd was a real US state, and they can just travel there, and they really wanted to go apple-picking and eat cider donuts. Autumn is the most beautiful time of year on the lake, they said. we’ll make you all proud with our vacation to Middasham, Night Vale. And I agreed and sent them on their way. We are a good and effective city council, Night Vale. You are a good and cooperative citizenry. Everything’s fine.
It’s fine.”
Tamika repeated those last two words, each iteration softer and slower. And the crowd’s murmuring and fidgeting grew softer and slower, until there was silence and peace. Then Sheriff Sam jumped up on the rostrum, leaned in to Tamika, forgetting that the microphone was still on, and said, “Councilwoman Flynn, a robber held up the new green market co-op and nicked all their cash.” The crowd gasped. Sam continued: “But it’s much worse than that. Whoever did this, also burned the building down.” The crowd gulped. Sam then said: “Miss Flynn, we found the bodies of Tristan Cortez and his daughter Camilla inside.” The crowd wailed. Sam added: “I-I-I’m sorry Miss Flynn, it’s a bit loud here. I’m having a rough go at hearing you what with all the screaming. Can you speak up?” But Tamika stood still, silent, as the crowd ran in circles, pulling at each other’s hair. Tamika gathered herself and then stepped back to the microphone. She cleared her throat and said, “I know everything is no longer fine, but it will be. I got you, Night Vale. I got you.”
The crowd stopped running and shrieking, although they continued tugging at each other’s hair. Tamika said, “Our small-time criminal is now a real threat, a force of violence among us. But I can stop them. Do you want safety?” and the crowd chanted: “Yes.” “Do you want security?” and the crowd chanted: “Absolutely.” “Do you trust me?” and the crowd chanted: “We certainly do, because we are scared!”
Tamika then turned to the Sheriff and said: “Sam, do you agree?” “Yes, anything, whatever you want,” Sam said.
“Give me your badge.” Sam paused. “Give me.. your badge.” Sam slowly reached across their lapel, unhooked their badge and handed it to Tamika, who then pinned it to her shirt. “And your hat and jacket,” Tamika said. And Sam gave her their hat and jacket, and Tamika put them on.
Tamika said, “OK. Curfew is now 8 PM. No one is out after 8 PM. And no one is out alone at any hour. Sam? You’re my Deputy Sheriff now. No one goes in or out of town. Arrest anyone who does.” Tamika then ordered all city buildings to be painted red, to let this criminal now we will cover the whole town in their blood. She said once more: “Everything’s fine, it’s fine. It’s 6 PM already, so go get your dinner and go home before curfew. And do not be out alone. The Secret Police will stop anyone walking alone.”
She concluded the press conference by saying:
“Good night, Night Vale,
good night.”
Today’s proverb: The seven habits of highly effective people are: 1. levitation. 2. translucense. 3. omnipresence. 4. country music. 5. lime zest. 6. suns for eyes. 7. hiccups.