133 - Are You Sure?
[NOTE: This episode has three alternative versions of the ending, each with its own weather and proverb. The podcast services will randomly play one version, and you can access other versions by refreshing the page.]
Is this the first time you’ve heard me say this?
Are you sure?
Welcome to Night Vale.
OK, I’m starting again. As many of you certainly noticed, we are having a problem of timeline divergence here in Night Vale. Events are happening over and over, and each instance is different than the last. Earl Harlan, sous-chef at Tourniquet, was preparing a fresh salad with wood glue vinaigrette, and decided to do a spinach base, but then he was preparing a fresh salad with wood glue vinaigrette and decided on a romaine base. The same event twice with drastically different outcomes. Also there was that tragic story from the Night Vale Daily Journal about that plane that crashed at Night Vale International Airport but – when we looked at the paper again, it-it was a really boring story about a plane that landed safely with no unusual incidents. It was a stunning tragedy, and a totally mundane event, simultaneously, and it is unclear which of those really happened.
My husband, Carlos, whose long perfect hair was looking unusually perfect, does not know what is causing these fracturing timelines. He’s been busy in his lab saying that he is working on an incredibly important project related to this, and he needs to see it through. Meanwhile, a mysterious figure in a black satin mask stood on top of the former Flakey-O’s factory watching this chaos unfold. Who is this figure? And what do they want? More soon. Or, maybe just this again, but with a slightly different wording. We’ll see.
And now, traffic. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. And so I decided to take both. Being one traveler, I split myself good by a process I barely understood. A third me slithered ‘neath the undergrowth. Through the trees I could see myself walk, merely me but I started to hate him. For if I’m real, then he is the mock. We turned as one, as one began to talk, each quoting the other verbatim. I shall be asking and asking why, two iterations of myself hence. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I took them both, and many others beside. It turned out, there never was a difference. This has been traffic.
This splitting of timelines in town has only gotten worse. And it seems that it is connected to the mysterious figure in a black satin mask. Wherever they go, things happen, and also happen differently. And also happen even differently than that. When the masked figure visited the library and asked for a copy of “The Artist’s Husband”, that hit novel about an artist and a time traveler who get married. The librarians began keening and banging on their cages. But also, they got very quiet. Several librarians escaped, but also they didn’t escape. And several bystanders were mauled by those loose librarians, but also they were fine and went back to their homes saying things like “Wow, uneventful day today.” And, “Nothing exciting has ever happened to me and I’ve never been injured.”
When the masked figure stopped at the Ralphs, weekday shift manager Charlie Bear accidentally spilled a box of cereal in aisle 3. Kellogg’s cereal of course, since no other cereal is allowed in town anymore. But at the same time, Charlie spilled Kellogg’s cereal all over aisle 5. Which is the cleaning supplies aisle. He wasn’t sure how that even happened, but it did. And at that exact moment, the Ralphs wasn’t a Ralphs, but instead a Vons.
Now this is truly getting baffling. How do I report on a story that is many different stories at once, all contradicting each other? And just who is this mysterious figure in the black satin mask? Further updates when more is known, and possibly simultaneously not known.
And now the Community Calendar. Monday is pizza night at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Come by for this fun community event that features free pizza, a DJ, and paperwork that looks like a softball signup sheet, but actually commits you to a predatory loan. Meanwhile, Monday is karaoke night at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Come and join our employees in song. Unfortunately we planned this slightly last minute, and so the only CD we could find was a collection of nature sounds. So do your best to sing along to such hot numbers as “Rustling Leaves #5”, “Miscellaneous Beach Noise”, and “Two Hours of Burbling Brook”. Then Monday is art gallery night at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Do you make art? [chuckling] Why? Just what are you trying to prove? Do you think you’re better than us? Yeah, come-come try to justify yourself this Monday night at the Last Bank of Night Vale.
And finally, Monday is the annual kids fundraising dinner at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Catered by Night Vale’s own Earl Harlan. Join this fun and delicious celebration as we raise money to kids. Which we will then give to the kids, no strings attached. I wonder what they’ll spend it on?
Huh. Something was off about this Community Calendar, but I can’t put my finger on what. I mean looking back, it seems normal. Kind of a light week, only one event. Monday night at the Last Bank of Night Vale is a garage sale. They have all sorts of weird stuff, people are put in safe deposit boxes, and it feels like a waste leaving them sitting there. Come and make an offer. So that’s normal. Not sure what it was.
Carlos has reached out to me with a concern. He said he’s busy at work on this problem, but given that events have been turning out with wildly different outcomes, how will we know which outcome is true? This day will end however it ends, he said. But how will we know the ending we experience is real? What if resolving this crisis is merely another splitting possibility, and at the same time there’s us still dealing with the crisis? And that is a very real concern. I guess I can only say that it’s uuuuh… a gut thing? I mean I feel like when this is resolved, we’ll know the real series of events, we’ll just know them, you know? Because they’ll be the ones that actually happened. Carlos tells me that gut feelings aren’t scientific, but I said, “Well what are guts made out of? Science, right?” And he had to concede that point. Then I told him his short cropped hair looked – more perfect than usual, and he blushed.
Still, I can’t, [scoffs], I must keep Carlos’ concern in mind as this day wraps up. I-I’ll need to pay attention and make sure that what is happening is the only version of that event, and there aren’t stray versions sprawling out their own timelines somewhere else.
And now a word from our sponsor. Today’s sponsor is… huh, okaay. Hmm, they just sent a video tape with the labels torn off of it. I guess I’ll watch it and describe what I’m seeing. [clears throat] [talking fast] It’s a black and white shot of a kitchen, a man is making a sandwich, it’s a falafel sandwich with cucumbers and tomatoes and he eats the sandwich, smiles at the camera and leaves the room. Now there’s a big red text thing, uh “there must be another way”. Now we’re back at the kitchen and the man is making a sandwich. He seems confused, as though he remembers having just done this. In his confusion, as he is cutting the tomatoes, the knife slips and oh my god- oh my god! Oh, he’s screaming but now that same text “there must be another way” and the, the man is back making the sandwich and he’s still screaming, uh but he realizes his hand is intact, and he goes to the phone uh to make a call and he slips and bangs his head on the counter and he falls out of frame and the text says again “there must be another way”. And the man is back and and, and he’s pale and shaking and he’s feeling his head, and he can’t believe it’s not broken open and he runs to the door and out into the yard and the camera follows him, and it’s not clear who is filming, and there is an earthquake and and a crevice opens up in his lawn and he disappears into it and again, “there must be another way” and he is back in the kitchen and he’s weeping. How long is this? OK, it, OK it looks like this tape is at least three hours long, so I’ll watch the rest of it later uhhhh, and kind of summarize. Maybe then we’ll figure out who is even sponsoring this thing.
The diverging timelines disaster is only worsening. And Night Vale of course has no mayor to deal with the issue. Except that sometimes we do have a mayor and sometimes it’s Dana Cardinal, and sometimes it’s Pamela Winchell, and sometimes it’s a tall obsidian statue with wings and a thousand faces, and it’s not clear which of these timelines are real.
The Sheriff tried to restore order saying: “Listen, no matter what timeline you find yourself in, just maintain a calm disposition, lie face down wherever you are, and wait for a Secret Police officer to collect you.” But the problem is that anyone is following these directions finds that they have simultaneously not followed those directions. And so the problem doesn’t seem possible to resolve.
Meanwhile, the worst of the effects are following the figure in the black satin mask, although nothing more has been learned as to who they are, or what their role in all this might be and so…
Ah, listeners… [quietly] the masked figure, they walked into the station, and they’re standing on the other side of the control room glass. They are reaching up now and pulling off the mask.
Oh my god it’s…
Hold on, I need to deal with this. Let’s go to the weather.
-THE ALTERNATE VERSIONS START HERE-
EARL HARLAN ENDING
[transcribed by Nikittypaprika, many thanks!]
[Weather: “Shadows” by Caged Animals, cageanimals.bandcamp.com]
Listeners, I can’t believe it. The masked figure all this time was my old friend, Earl Harlan. Earl stood there, a black satin mask in hand, with an even more solemn than usual expression.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he said, his eyes filling up with an inky blackness. “That’s the most important thing to remember. Okay, Cecil?”
“Okay,” I said. “But what exactly is happening?”
He pressed his phone to the glass and showed me a text conversation he’d been having with his son, Roger. It was a string of emojis, mainly the waving arms octopus, plus the minotaur with sunglasses, plus the movie theatre on fire with a marquee that has a picture of another movie theatre on fire.
“Do you know what this means?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. “No,” I said. “I’m not really sure,” I said.
“Roger wants to go out with his friends tonight,” Earl explained. “They want to walk blindfolded into the desert with their backpacks filled with rocks.”
“That sounds kind of dangerous?” I said, not sure what this had to do with the timeline problem.
“I know, right?” said Earl. “But if I say no, Roger will be mad at me, and his friends will think he’s uncool, and I really don’t want Roger to be mad at me, and friendships are so important at that age. They’re just so intense. I mean I was nineteen for a really long time, I know what I’m talking about.”
“Right, right,” I said. “But, the timelines.”
“Also,” continued Earl, “my assistant keeps asking if we’re doing croquettes or funnel cakes for the kids fundraising dinner, but I just don’t know! I mean, whatever we choose could change the course of the night and our lives forever. I finally had to block her number. And then I’m supposed to pick the colors for the new boy scout uniforms. Dry blood red and khaki brown, or fresh blood red and khaki green? I’ve gotten to the point of wearing a black satin mask so no one can recognize me and ask me to make any more big decisions today. I’ve just, I’ve never been good at things like this.” Earl’s eyes were shiny and dark as oil slicks. “Like earlier, at Vons?” he said, “m-my shopping list had one thing on it. I was there for six hours. I walked out of Ralphs with nothing. You’d be surprised, Cecil, how often I leave that store with nothing at all, feeling dazed and starved and exhausted, my empty reusable canvas bag flapping against my side in the hot wind.”
And I tried to reassure him that we all do that, but he didn’t seem to hear me.
“Some days, all I do is think about the things I could have done,” Earl said. “Like I keep having these visions of this one moment that I can’t even really remember. I-I was in a car, or-or it, it was on a porch, when the light burned out, or it was in a brightly lit hallway with a party going on in the next room, there was something, I-I didn’t do, some thing I was afraid to do, and told myself I could do it later when it felt less scary but some opportunities only happen once before they become unattainable forever. Do you know what I mean?”
After a moment, I said “Yeah?”
Earl’s head tilted back. Darkness beamed from his eyes until the daylight outside was stained to night. “Car. Porch. Hallway. Khaki. Blood. Croquettes. Octopus. Minotaur. Movie theatre,” he chanted, until the words became just rhythmic, guttural sounds. Finally, Earl’s phone vibrated. His head un-tilted and his eyes stopped beaming as he fished around in his pocket. It was a text from an old friend. A very old, very good friend. They hadn’t spoken in some time, not really spoken. Not like they used to. It said: “Hey, I know it’s been a while, but I just wanted you to know. I think it’s kind of cool that you can’t make choices. Like, maybe that makes you more of a part of the universe and less of an impactor upon it. Maybe we could all be a little bit more like that. Y'know.”
Earl felt suddenly relieved, as if many years of heaviness had lifted. The blackness in his eyes receded, and the sky grew light again. “Yes,” he said. “Why do I have to make choices at all? Why do any of us?”
Now the friend had may not have meant that exactly, but at this point, there was nothing he could do to take it back. “No more choices!” Earl said, shutting his eyes tightly. And then he walked down the hallway, out the door into the too-bright sunlight of dawn, and then he walked down the hallway, out the door, and then he walked down the hallway, out the door. Since this moment, citizens agree that one reality remains in Night Vale, and that it’s the correct one.
Hot take. I’m not one hundred percent sure. I mean, I thought I’d have a gut feeling, but I just feel I dunno… [huffs] unsettled? I feel like I have to look at everything that happened today, and just keep looking at it until it makes sense, y'know? Hm, speaking of gut feelings, I’m getting updates that the Ralphs no longer stocks Kellogg’s cereal, and in fact stocks one product in every aisle: Castellano brand colossal squid stuffed with their own viscera, which I understand is an important Spanish tapas. Great appetizers for your dinner parties, or just for complete meals, snacks and all sustenance from now on. Ralphs: for all your shopping needs involving Castellano brand colossal squid stuffed with their own viscera. I need to make sure this was how it actually turned out. I need to begin again. Is this the first time you’ve heard me say this? Are you sure?
Welcome to Night Vale.
Today’s proverb: This one real trick doesn’t seem to have any real purpose. But maybe give it a try anyway.
TELLY ENDING
[featuring Dylan Marron as Carlos]
[Weather: “Wild Flowers” by Caged Animals, cagedanimals.bandcamp.com]
Listeners, I can’t believe it. The masked figure, all this time, was Telly the Barber.
Yes! Telly! Who soon after my Carlos came to town with his beautiful and perfect hair, gave Carlos just a hideous haircut! It was an affront to all that is good in this world. And in his rightful shame, Telly fled into the desert, howling his regret to the night sky and giving wild haircuts to the cacti. No one in town has spoken his name in years. And now here he is, apparently destroying our timelines. Is there no end to the crimes that Telly can commit?
Telly was weeping, and he shouted through the glass window of my booth: “I’m trying to make it right!” and he was fogging up the window and that was annoying and I could hardly hear him, so I told him to come inside.
“I’m trying to make it right,” he said at a more reasonable volume. “I’ve been trying to change the past so that I never gave that haircut. But it has all been going wrong! Instead of changing the moment of my vile haircut, I’ve been splitting every possible point of divergence in all of the timelines of Night Vale. This isn’t what I wanted.”
[angrily] Telly, what a mess! And that was when Carlos arrived, and I could tell he had come in a hurry because he was wearing his casual house labcoat, which he doesn’t like to be seen in. He mostly wears it to bed, or you know when he’s doing the dishes, but that was the least of it. His hair was going through a truly- bizarre transformation. As I watched, it kept radically changing lengths and and styles from a Mohawk to a shaved head to a-a gorgeous hair stretching halfway to the floor! His hair could not stay the same for longer than a few seconds. And then Carlos said… well, hear for yourself.
Carlos: Oh, Telly! I had thought it was me. I had thought it was my fault. You know, in the lab, I had managed to track the source of the timeline divergence to soon after I came to town. And like that made me afraid somehow that my presence was causing this. I was too ashamed to say so even to my husband, because what would it mean if this was rejecting me somehow? But now I understand. I got that haircut from you right around when I arrived, that’s where the source of this is. And, and Telly – can I just let you know, I really liked that haircut.
Cecil: But Telly wouldn’t listen. He shouted: “That haircut ruined my life! I regret it every day, I must fix it!” And he started fiddling with the device he had invented to change the past, and that is when things truly took a turn.
Night Vale vanished. And the three of us – were standing on an empty desert plane. And then Night Vale was back, but it was different. A neon-studded city at night, all futuristic flying cars and citizens with downturned eyes hurrying back to their dingy apartments. And then we were in space, somewhere in the far flung battlefields of the blood space wars, and around us were explosions and thousands dying and then, we were back in the radio booth again and Telly was weeping and weeping. And Carlos put his hand on Telly. “Stop,” Carlos said, “Stop!” and Telly stopped. Then Carlos said…
Carlos: Listen, Telly, the haircut was great. I loved it! So maybe Cecil didn’t like it. Maybe no one else in the entire universe liked it, I don’t know, I don’t care! Because I loved it. And I got it for me. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you never did! Come back to us. Come back to us and restart your life. You were one of us all this time!
Cecil: So – Telly did. He moved back in from the desert and has reopened his barbershop. He has resumed friendships with people he had only thought hated him, but instead, had been giving him his space. There had been a misapprehension on both sides and that had led to years of disconnect. Years that were finally healing.
I still think that haircut was a crime, buut, my husband tells me my opinion on that doesn’t matter soo… [clears throat crankily].
The timelines in Night Vale have settled down. Everything is only happening once and only in one way. It seems the day has been saved by Carlos’ superhuman forgiveness and perfect hair.
Or was it? Because as Carlos said earlier, how can we know that this isn’t just one timeline? And somewhere else there’s a Night Vale where this all happened differently, and what if that’s the real Night Vale?
Well, there’s only one way to find out, listeners. I’m gonna start this broadcast again and see if it turns out the same way.
Is this the first time you’ve heard me say this? Are you sure?
Welcome to Night Vale.
Today’s proverb: How do I love thee? Let me tally up all the points I’ve assigned to your personal value with respect to my needs.
LEANN HART ENDING
[Weather: “Escape Artist” by Caged Animals, cagedanimals.bandcamp.com]
Listeners, I can’t believe it. The masked figure all this time was Daily Journal editor Leann Hart! Leann shattered the control booth glass, leapt forward and thrust a well polished hatchet to my face, pressing the sharpened blade against my cheek. Hatchets are tools common among print news professionals for threatening internet-based publications, so I couldn’t understand why I was her target. I said, “Leann, I’m a radio host, not a news blogger, I’m not your enemy.” “Oh I know you’re not, Cecil,” Leann said. “I’m-I’m not threatening you. I’m just showing you the new hatchet I bought. It’s Palladium, cost me a fortune, feel that, so nice. The metal stays cool and soft but it cuts through bone like a copyeditor through adverts.” And then we both laughed, [laughs] “Ahha,” I said, “This is an extremely funny joke that only us true journalists would understand.” “The word ‘extremely’ was unnecessary there, Cecil,” Leann growled pressing the blade tighter to my face.
“That is a nice hatchet, Leann,” I said. “But-but how did you afford it, there’s no money in media these days unless you have a true crime podcast?”
Leann smiled.
“Wait. Did you start a true crime podcast?” I asked. “Because that would be a great idea to murder a bunch of people, and then do a podcast about it.”
“I have something even better, Cecil,” she said. “I have – time.”
Leann said she time traveled over and over throughout each day, and then selling newspapers across hundreds of concurrent timelines. She increased the number of days she could sell papers, but not the amount of time or labor involved. She made millions. She tried to stay out of the stories, not wanting to change the arc of our future, but no matter how objective she remained, the repeated day was always different. So she gave up trying to stay disinterested and began to actually influence each event. Now there was a car chase on Route 800 last Tuesday, and in one version, the Sheriff’s Secret Police stopped the subject without violence and then took him to jail with lots of violence. In another version, the suspect got away by fleeing on foot out into the Scrublands. And in another version, Leann Hart thwarted the suspect from ever stealing the car in the first place, thus saving police from endangering themselves and others and protecting the car’s owner from an awful day, followed by months or arguing with an insurance company. But Leann found that this third version didn’t sell papers, because there was no story. What proved most lucrative was an ongoing fear amongst the readers needing to know how this horrible crime would be resolved. Weeks of a fugitive on the loose led to weeks of great sales. As the city filled with angst, fought for more police protection, and formed theories about who the criminal mastermind was.
“Oh yeah, I remember this story now,” I told Leann. “We never caught the guy, did we?”
“Oh we did,” Leann said. “I finagled the timeline where he was captured, but only because the story stopped selling papers. I needed something more exciting so then, I convinced this psychopath who had been murdering stray animals to instead poison the town water supply, and we all died. That was a bad one. No one bought a single paper.”
“Leann, you can’t do this. You can’t keep traveling through time and manipulating our fates to sell papers,” I said. “It’s unethical, immoral even, to make money by ruining lives.”
And then she said I must hate capitalism an called me a socialist and – I didn’t have a comeback.
“I’m giving up the time travel thing anyway,” she said. “Also I promise to stop creating dangerous news stories to sell papers.”
I told her it must have been a tough but fulfilling journey through her own soul to elevate compassion for others above personal gain. I told Leann I was proud of her decision. And she said negative news stories didn’t really sell anyway. (–) from time traveling she had cultivated a large sample size of sales data, showing sustained emotional arguments based around raw fear were the best approach. And the Daily Journal from this point forward would be exclusively op-ed.
And with a gleam in her eye, Leann showed me tomorrow’s front page headline: “Public Schools Should Not Give Pornography to Our Kids.”
“Oh, they’re handing out pornography in school?” I gasped.
“I dunno,” she said. “The point is that they should not be doing that, whether they are or not. “We’re gonna sell a bunch of papers, this will be a story for weeks.”
And I agreed. It’s a good idea to sell papers with only half informed opinions about non-existing issues, I mean it saves on time spent researching and reporting and, more importantly no water will be poisoned, no cars will be stolen. Irrational headlines will initiate helpful discussions and friendly debate, with absolutely no harm done.
Leann left the office and told me I could report her story, but only on embargo until the Daily Journal scooped it. So that’s why it’s taken me a week to tell you this. Or at least… I… I think it’s been a week? You know, I wanna make sure. This was how it actually turned out. I need to begin again.
Is this the first time you’ve heard me say this? Are you sure?
Welcome to Night Vale.
Today’s proverb: True change starts with the person in the mirror. He’s standing far behind you, barely visible. He’s really going to change things.
134 - Fall Football Preview
There is no I in “team”.
This has been a partial list of letters not found in the word “team”.
Welcome to Night Vale.
The Night Vale High School Scorpions kick-off the varsity football season this Friday against last year’s district champion, Red Mesa. Following the announcement this summer that Scorpions’ head coach, Nazr al-Mujaheed, would be taking a sabbatical to deal with personal matters, Night Vale promoted defensive coordinator Lutrice Beaumont to head coach. She has ten years coaching experience and was a former line backer for the Scorpions during their heyday as four time state champs in the late 1990’s. This is a historical hire for the high school football program, as Lutrice Beaumont is the first Gemini to become head coach. Beaumont called a press conference this morning to talk about her team and her coaching staff’s expectations for this season. “After only one win last year,” Beaumont explained, “we wanted to change our approach entirely. Instead of a plotting, run-focused offensive, we want our starting quarterback, sophomore Junius Duncan, to really throw that ball around, just chuck that leather (wad) any direction he wants.”
Beaumont’s team motto for 2018 is “we will win, all the time, right now”. Junius Duncan has a small frame at only 5’4’’ and 120 pounds. But he has eight legs and can leap up to 20 times his own height. He has struggled with his accuracy in training camp, as he has zero arms. And the spiny tips of his front legs cause the ball to stick and sometimes deflate.
Senior running back Prince Reynolds, who led the district in rushing last year, returns in full health. Coach Beaumont said Reynolds has been working on his upper body strength in the off-season by installing hydraulic joints on each shoulder. We’ll have more on the upcoming Scorpion football season in a moment.
But first, a look at traffic.
Lisa Farmer does not like her job. She does not hate it, either. To Lisa, a job is a paid dare to sit in a chair for 10 hours every weekday for 40 years, for a little over a million dollars, paid out in bi-weekly installments. She commutes 35 minutes each way to her office. During this time, she thinks about the divorce papers her attorney gave her, but that she’s never filled out. She thinks about her husband’s lack of motivation. She thinks about having children. Not whether to have them, but the actual process of birth. She sometimes offers up an involuntary laugh, a reflex response to the forced laughter of the FM drivetime talk show. She forgets all of this when she arrives at home or work. Time pours from her like water from a broken pipe. All this time, lost to unmemorable travel. She measures her life in traffic jams, a mathematical equation that proves nothing. Commutes are the limbo of the weekday. Everything is stasis. Expect delays.
This has been traffic.
In her opening press conference, Night Vale Scorpions’ head coach Lutrice Beaumont said there were some rule changes this season that will affect her team’s approach. First, helmet to helmet hits, normally assigned a personal foul penalty, will now be subject to game (ejections) and possible suspensions. Officials are also cracking down on end zone celebrations. Many fans felt the elaborate displays of joy exhibited by players last season were not in the spirit of good sportsmanship. The most egregious example was when Cactus Park’s Jamille Whiteside scored the game-winning touchdown against Pine Cliff. He and the rest of his team mates then performed in the end zone the entirety of the Tony-winning musical sensation “Wicked”. District head of officiating, Jake Camp, announced: “I’m tired of selfish kids making a team sport all about them. In my day, when we scored, we would calmly hand the ball to the ref and jog back to the sideline head down. Maybe.” He continued: “Maybe, uh, a more religious kid might offer a quick prayer to the Brown Stone Spire, an unobtrusive gesture of kneeling, cutting your finger open, drawing a nine-pointed star with your blood, as your team mates danced about shirtless and chanting something in ancient Akkadian or Greek, but nothing ostentatious like what kids these days do. Did you see that one kid who did a backflip? [angrily] A backflip! This is football, not Cirque du Soleil, son!” Camp shouted. He added that millennials are killing everything good in the world.
One reporter reported that current high schoolers are not even part of the millennial generation. Another reporter pointed out that Camp is 33 years old, which makes him a millennial. Camp paused and said, “You wanna be like that? Fine!” Camp then begun to grunt and strain, his face darkened to a deep violet, as long white hair gushed from the top of his head and out of his chin. His posture weakened, his back now hunched. Wrinkles formed around his eyes and lips, and his skin loosened. He then said hoarsely: “I’m 93 now. So you know where you can put that millennial comment of yours!” The reporter assumed Camp meant the sport section of the newspaper, so that’s where the reporter put it.
In the middle of Beaumont’s press conference, assistant coach Christopher Tisdale whispered into her ear and she frowned. When asked to elaborate, she said she’d just received word that another new rule is that all players must have two or fewer legs. Which prohibits her starting quarterback, Junius Duncan from taking the field. Upset by this sudden change, Beaumont cited the Golden Retriever who was allowed to play basketball for Cactus Park back in 1997. They named the dog Airbud, because the dog was the former CEO of an airline. Admittedly, the dog was terrible at basketball. He ran in circles and barked at the coach for treats, while opposing teams took huge advantage of the five-on-four mismatch. But according to Beaumont, a precedent was set for multi-legged players.
Oh, this is terrible news. Junius must be devastated. Beaumont’s press conference is still going on. We’ll get back to it soon.
But for now, when the first bolt of lightning struck the sea, and the first apex of rock crested the tumultuous oceans, the elders among the stars brought life onto the Earth. These children of stardust became humans, became authorities of their tiny planet. They created science and art, and they worshipped their galactic forbearers. But their hubris grew in them like a cancer, and they abandoned the benevolence of their creators. The vigilant determination of life leads only – to death. An ironic ouroboros to be laughed at by the elders of the cosmos.
Diet Pepsi. Humans are a knock-knock joke of the gods.
Let’s take a look now at Night Vale High School’s district rivals this season, starting with last year’s champs, the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters. Red Mesa returns their starting quarterback, senior Salman Talib, who leads a dynamic passing offence anchored by junior wide receiver, Trung Pham. Pham’s quick feet, 6’5’’ frame, and nearly 20-inch antlers allow him to break free from smaller defenders. The Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors return with the league’s top offence. Everyone in Pine Cliff is a ghost, making them quite elusive, but the flip side of that is that their defence is terrible. In terms of total tackles made last season, they finished dead last. Pun not intended. But pun certainly embraced, because it’s not bad. Oh… Aha? A-ha. I’m getting word from my producer Ian that is in fact a bad pun, in bad taste. Ian’s grandmother was part of the Great Cataclysm of 2008, which turned all of Pine Cliff into ghosts. He says it’s no laughing matter to those living in Pine Cliff. To-to those residing in Pine Cliff, so. I’ll go back to the part where I said pun not intended.
One team to watch out for this year is the Cactus Park Shark Nurses, who have a strong defence but who have struggled with turnovers. The Shark Nurses’ senior running back Patrick Lyle had 20 fumbles last year, but said he focused on his ball carrying technique in the off season. Coachers worked with Lyle to carry the ball high and tight against his shoulder pads, instead of in his cargo shorts’ pockets.
Desert Bluffs, which has not had a team nor a high school for the past three seasons, has reincorporated in some desert otherworld and will be returning to district to play this year. League officials are concerned about the capriciousness of gateways between our reality and theirs, which could lead to visiting teams becoming lost in either a time loop or disappearing altogether. Theoretical physicist Cedric Drummond from Desert Bluffs Junior College said: “If you only focus on the bad, you’ll never see the good!” Not much is known about this Vultures team other than they’re probably – terrible.
Finally, there’s another new district rival this season, the Whispering Forest High School Wood Dogs. Whispering Forest High opened in 2016 after the forest incorporated as an independent township. No humans live in the Whispering Forest, only trees. Really polite trees, always with a quiet compliment. But if you accept one of their compliments, you too become a tree in their forest. Fun fact: Whispering Forest is the fastest growing town here in the desert. Urban planning experts think that the positivity emanating from the Whispering Forest has been a real draw for people seeking new homes. They’re unable to determine why a need for positivity suddenly became a factor in like 2016, but there it is. The Wood Dogs are sure to be the largest and toughest opponent in Night Vale’s district, but also the slowest, as they are literally trees. Their real strength won’t be in their ability to score or sack the quarterback, but to recruit entire opposing teams to their side before the game ends.
That’s a look at Night Vale High’s rivals this year. Coming up, we’ll check in with coach Beaumont and her team strategy for 2018.
But first, a public service announcement.
Friends of the Night Vale Public Library announced the annual used book sale is this Saturday afternoon from 10 to 5. Librarians will hang books from invisible twine attached to blade-based traps, inside a complex cornfield labyrinth. According to the press release, which appears to be written by a detached human finger dipped in its own blood, these are… [clears throat] great books by great authors like Georg Saunders, Mohsin Hamid, and Celeste Ng. Books you really should read. Books you’ll want to reach out and grab, without noticing that the earth below you is lightly covered in branches hiding a spike-filled pit. So come down to the library for the used book sale. No need to shower beforehand, your natural scent makes you easier to track. This has been a public service announcement.
Coach Beaumont has finally completed her pre-season press conference, and she finished it off with quite a statement. When asked what the overall strategy for this year would be, Beaumont said: “Surpriiise!” But she said it just like that, with her eyes wide and arms raised and there was a looong silence as the reporters waited for what was to happen next. The energy faded as Beaumont slowly lowered her hands, a lone cough came from the back of the room. Beaumont then continued: “Oh, our strategy is surprise. We don’t want our opponents to have any time to prepare for us, so we scheduled every single game simultaneously. All five division rivals will play us at once,” she said. “We kick off in like five minutes. I should go. As the leader of this team, I can’t be late for the national anthem, the pledge of allegiance, the eldritch chant of national unity, the Secret Police helicopter flyover, and the pre-game bloodstone bacchanal dance.” Now the reporters frantically shouted the rest of their questions. “Are you going to protest your quarterback’s disqualification?” “How will you compete against five teams at once?” “How many balls will be used?” “Where do we go when we die” and “What is football? Are you a football?” But Beaumont had already left.
I’m getting word that the game has kicked off at the Night Vale High School. Now I’m not a sports fan, but even I’m intrigued. I gotta see this.
Uh, let me take you now
To the weather.
[Raising Helvetica" by Sims x Air Credits x ICETEP sims.bandcamp.com ]
The Scorpions got off to a rough start. Two of their defensive line men accepted compliments from the Whispering Forest players.
“Oh, that was such a nice tacklllllle, you must be very proud of your training and dedication to this spooooort,” the trees whispered. “We’re impressed by your talents and chaaaarm!”
Suddenly, the two Night Vale players were trees. The opposing teams rallied together, handing the ball off to the Pine Cliff running back Alfonso Menendez, who simply could not be tackled. By the end of the first quarter, the Scorpions were down 20 to nothing. It would have been 21, but Desert Bluffs kicker, Leonard Clayton, missed an extra point, probably because he’s so poorly coached. In the second quarter, Night Vale’s Prince Reynolds scored a quick touchdown to make it 20 to 7. They followed that with a field goal after a fumble by Cactus Park’s Patrick Lyle, who was carrying the ball with his teeth, instead of holding it tight to his chest, leaving Night Vale down 20 to 10. Coach Beaumont told her team at half time that they were doing great, but they needed to focus more on the fundamentals of the game.
“Keep your eyes on the runners’ hips,” she shouted, “not their feet! Wrap your tackles tight!”
She encouraged her offensive players to pick up their correct blocking assignments.
“Tim!” she yelled, referring to offensive guard Timothy Lano. “Stop trying to block the trees! They can’t run, and the ghosts, they can’t tackle! Worry about tangible humans, Tim!”
The team seemed dejected without their starting quarterback Junius Duncan. Beaumont began a powerful and inspiring pep talk. She brought in a ten-piece brass band to perform Gustav Holst’s “Second Suite in F” underneath her speech.
“You can beat anyone if you believe in yourselves!” she began. “It would totally help if we had Duncan in the game though.”
Then she said: “Surprise!” and opened up a Ralphs bag with three pairs of gloves. “Duncan, put these on like you have six arms,” she said. “Can you walk on your back two legs?”
Duncan nodded yes, but no one notice because there was no joint allowing free movement of his head atop his thorax. So he had to hiss and leap up and down to demonstrate his bipedal abilities. The team let out a relieved cheer of “Win! All the time! Right now!” and ran onto the field, rejuvenated by their flouting of government issued regulations.
Duncan struggled early with his passes, as he had no fingers to fill his gloves, but he did score six touchdowns by simply leaping 20 yards at a time down the field, and tying up defenders in webs. He was penalized 15 yards, though, for attempting to use his venom to paralyze the bodies of his prey.
In the end, Night Vale won, 52-45, earning the district title before the season even started. Uh, what an exciting game! Carlos and the rest of the family joined me and we ate nachos and drank sodas and shouted cheers like, “Go team go!” and “Ooooh, blood!” And “Ooooooo, bloooood!”
Carlos even bought me one of those pointing foam fingers that says “Someone talked! Identify the traitor.” [chuckles]
The whole game was visceral and communal. You know, maybe I’m a sports fan after all. I hope this victory, too, brings some joy to former coach Nazr al-Mujaheed. I’m sure it didn’t heal him, but hopefully it offered him temporary relief from pain.
Stay tuned next for Gentle Takes, our political roundtable where the hosts listen to each other talk about their days while they knit and say, “Thanks for sharing that with me.”
Good night,
Night Vale,
Good night.
Today’s proverb: Dress for the job you want: sports team mascot. Not the job you have: customer service manager.
