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Bonus Episode 1 - Minutes

Minutes from the Community College Faculty Meeting, by Ashley Lierman.

The following are the minutes from the Night Vale Community College faculty meeting.

Meeting facilitator was Dr. Vidor Szabo.

Meeting secretary was Joshua White.

Item 1: Call to Order

Dr. Szabo called to order the regular meeting of the faculty of Night Vale Community College at 3:00pm on November 1st.

Item 2: Roll Call

Mr. White conducted a roll call; the following were present:

Item 3: Approval of Minutes from Last Meeting

Attendees were advised to insert earplugs. Mr. White then read the minutes from the September meeting. Professor Levine collapsed in a stiff heap, with severe bleeding at the eyes and mouth, due to an improperly formed plug seal in her left ear canal. She was removed for medical treatment. The minutes were approved as read.

Item 4: President’s Remarks

President Sultan greeted and thanked attendees, and congratulated all faculty on the successful fall semester. She described recent fundraising efforts for upcoming development projects. The most notable gift has been a generous, but ultimately detrimental donation of thousands of rabbits from proud alumna Mrs. Sylvia Wickersham, who has been replaced by a lizard – and which lizard is now in police custody.

President Sultan stopped mid-sentence, and was silent for several seconds. As the president is a smooth fist-sized river rock, faculty were initially confused as to why she was quiet. It turned out President Sultan was staring at a fixed point in midair. She suddenly began asking, “What is that? What is that thing? Why would anyone do that?” in a small, childlike voice.

Faculty began to shift and turn in their seats, but saw nothing.

This continued until it was decided that the president had nothing further to offer, and Dr. Szabo picked up the president and placed her back in her terrarium.

Item 5: Announcements, Issues, and Questions

(A): An Update on Freshman Seminar
Dr. Laredo, who took over the Freshman Seminar two years ago, because of Dr. Joel Eisneberg’s extended medical leave, described a number of revisions to the program, which she hopes to implement with the faculty’s support, including standardizing grading rubrics, working carefully with the library to develop some non-violent literacy programs, possibly reassessing the requirement of plague masks for all freshman, and increasing focus on real-world career skills like running, hiding, and covering their faces with their hands, moaning “Oh no! Oh no!” quietly.

(B): The Unending Hallway on the Second Floor of the Earth Sciences Building
Dr. Hernandez provided an update on facility’s progress with the unending hallway situation. Apparently the hallway is now fully finite in breadth. And while it still appears to be infinite in length, the fact that it no longer swallows light itself indicates that this is merely due to the limits of human perception, and the hallway does now possess and end. Somewhere.

However, according to the Director of Facilities Services, all available measuring equipment is still inadequate to chart the length of the hallway, and the readings that have been made indicate that it would take at least six human lifetimes to traverse the full length of the hallway. So, ultimately, the distinction is negligible.

Administrators and faculty are still advised not to schedule classes on the second floor of Earth Sciences until the situation is resolved, unless class size exceeds the available facilities, and students have been cautioned to bring enough food and water to last them the rest of their lives.

©: Standards Revision for Honors Courses
Dr. Hertzwell announced that as of registration for the spring semester, while the minimum grade point average of 3.0 and SAT score of 1100 have not been changed, students are now no longer required to be fully human to enroll in honors courses. Dr. Hertzwell applauded this progressive change, but lamented that it took so long to make it happen.

Faculty advisers of students who are arthropods, malevolent spirits, or tangible dream-people should recommend application to these advanced courses.

(D): Repeated Fires in the Computer Science Laboratory
Professor Gwozdecke reported that public safety officers have completed their preliminary investigation of the repeated and unexplained fires in the main computer lab. The officers suspect that cause to be arson but, as Professor Gwozdecke pointed out, they are liars. Filthy, disgusting, pestilential liars, who should be embarrassed to tell those kinds of lies where people can hear their crazy nonsense. And, at the very least, they should all be fired. Meaning, set on fire. But also meaning terminated. Meaning, an end brought to their lives. But also meaning fired from their jobs. “At the very least,” she added.

She then set a rug on fire with her thoughts.

Item 6: Welcome for Dr. Buqar

Dr. Szabo asked the assembled to welcome Dr. Mohini Buqar, who joined the faculty as an Assistant Professor of Secret English at the beginning of the spring semester. Dr. Buqar, sweating profusely with a fixed grin that showed far too many of her teeth, greeted the faculty and briefly introduced herself and her interests in a shaky, indistinct voice that gradually climbed in pitch toward a shriek.

Dr. Buqar’s doctoral dissertation compared Shakespeare’s unproduced and unpublished play, Mirth Forest, with elements of Chaucer’s unwritten childhood daydreams. And she enjoys ballroom dance and owns two Siberian huskies. She is teaching two sections of Survey of Secret British Literature, featuring Emily Bronte’s epic novel that no one has ever heard of, The Flippancy of Clouds.

Item 7: New Course Proposals for Fall 2015

  1. Humanities 375 – Hegel’s Philosophy in Context, taught by Dr. Szabo
  2. Computer Science 180 – FORTRAN Programming and Flame Resistance, taught by Professor Gwozdecke
  3. Bio 351 – Human Cloning and You and You, taught by Dr. Stone
  4. Tech 220 – Bloodstone Installation and Repair, taught by Professor Mzzzzrrnnnnwrrrnnnnn
  5. History 311 – History of Post-War Germany, taught by Dr. Brown
  6. Alternative History 311 – History of Underwater Germany, taught by Dr. Crawford-Rothwell
  7. Music 208 – Murder Ballads, taught by Professor Norman
  8. Unassigned Course – Oh God! Oh God, Why? Oh Dear God in Heaven, No! taught by Professor Escondo and some pliers
  9. Psych 150 – Peyote Psychology, taught by a wolf with six faces
  10. Business 215 – Laughing at Nonprofit Organizations, taught by Dr. Rosenberg.
  11. Econ 213 – Hatred, taught by Dr. Laredo

Item 8: Presentation Titled “Update From the Assessment Committee”

Presenter: James Crawford-Rothwell

Summary: Dr. Crawford-Rothwell detailed the resolutions made at the most recent meeting of the Assessment Committee. He reminded faculty that all instructors of general education courses must, at the end of the semester, submit a summary of work, one sample assignment, and detailed blood type information for each student, including a full flavor profile.

He distributed to the faculty the revised rubrics for critical thinking, pain endurance, global awareness, and seeing the unseen and unholy.

Discussion: Dr. Stein asked whether human test subjects could be submitted as a sample assignment. Further debate ensued, with some arguing that human subjects constitute laboratory equipment, and others pointing out the impracticality of being unable to submit them electronically.

Dr. Crawford-Rothwell promised that the committee would discuss the issue in their next meeting.

The green cabinet that shakes and whistles, having consumed – ahead of schedule – the full crate of live guinea pigs provided for it to eat during the meeting, emitted a bass hum, and then opened to loose a tendril of pure, pulsating, hate-filled darkness, which encircled and then devoured Dr. Richter, dragging her back into its unknowable depths on the hollow boom of its closing doors.

The meeting was suspended for the assembled to flee for their lives, and reconvened in furtive whispers in an unlit basement room.

Dr. Bell recommended that the “Conclusions and Outcomes” component of critical thinking be changed to end in priority order, rather than in order of priority. The motion was debated and passed with 19 for, 2 against, 2 abstaining, 3 absent and/or presumed dead.

Action Items: Form search committees for replacement full-time Professor of Nursing
Person responsible: Chandra Mabassa

Item 10: Five-Minute Break

Faculty and staff took a short break between presentations to assess the condition of the wounded. Some used the time to smoke a final cigarette while crying. Others gathered around the coffee maker to casually discuss the weather.

[“Home” by Theo Adler]

Item 11: Presentation Titled “First Look at Rebranding Efforts”

Presenter: Pamela Kingsworth

Summary: Ms. Kingsworth hastily set up a computer and attached projector, which were retrieved from the original meeting room at no small risk to life and sanity. She unveiled concepts for a new logo and slogans, developed in meetings with a marketing firm. The logo is a black and white but shockingly graphic woodcut of an ethnically diverse group of students devouring the entrails of a wild boar. Behind them is a map of the world with dozens of countries X’d out.

Slogan 1 reads: “There’s no excuse for not getting a quality education. You should feel ashamed, and so should your ancestors.”
Slogan 2 reads: “Find yourself here, with no memory of the previous week.”
Slogan 3 reads: “Ketamine hydrochloride.”

If the slogans are approved by the faculty, the college community will vote on them at the next open campus meeting, to be held on Monday, February 23rd.

Discussion: Dr. Long began vomiting and shuddering uncontrollably near the end of Ms. Kingsworth’s presentation, although this was found to be unrelated.

Dr. Szabo remarked on the exceptional artistry of the logo, and insisted on taking a picture with his mobile phone on behalf of Professor Galen in the Art Department, who was unable to attend today’s meeting. The phone produced a small cloud of foul-smelling crystals from its camera lens, and then imploded.

Dr. Bell questioned whether the reference to “ancestors” in Slogan 1 was culturally insensitive. Ms. Kingsworth assured the faculty that the advertising firm understood the importance of diversity to the college community, and the inclusivity of the slogans as well as their market impact had been thoroughly researched.

Drs. Crawford-Rothwell and Szabo debated the issue. No conclusion was reached, although Ms. Kingsworth agreed to raise the issue with the firm as the process continued.

Dr. Bell asked Ms. Kingsworth for the name of the advertising firm the college is consulting. Ms. Kingsworth was silent for seven full minutes, and then proceeded to giggle for the remainder of the meeting.

Dr. Szabo distributed ballots for approval or disapproval of the slogans. Additional copies will be mailed to each department to be filled out by faculty members who were unable to attend today’s meeting. No one will actually mail them – it will just happen, quietly, while no one is looking.

The ballots should be completed and returned to the Office of College Relations, where they will be discarded unread.

Action Items: Complete and return slogan approval ballot
Person responsible: All faculty

Item 12: Presentation Titled “Blood”

Presenter: Blood

Summary: Blood

Discussion: Blood

Distant screeches, perhaps a crow of some kind.

Blood

Action Items: Cost/benefit analysis for expansion of Student Center
Person responsible: Blood

Item 13: Presentation Titled “Tax Information Online”

Presenter: Robert Hernandez

Summary: Dr. Hernandez announced that tax information and forms for college employees for this year’s tax season will be available online, through the Employee Self-Service area of the college website.

He demonstrated, via projector, the location of the forms by navigating the website. From the college homepage, employees should go to the Faculty and Staff Portal, then to the Employee Self-Service link under the Human Resources header, then scroll down the page to the section marked Payroll, and click on the link reading Tax Forms.

Users will be shown a picture of a face. It will be a familiar face, but not one they will be able to comprehend or remember. They must maintain silent eye contact with this face. Do not blink. Do not speak. Breathe, but slowly, and without purpose. After several seconds, perhaps minutes, the face will contort into a terrifying grimace as a cacophonous scream fills the room, echoing down the halls, freezing you in terror.

Then, you can download the appropriate form.

Discussion: Dr. al-Anizi asked whether the forms would still be distributed in paper form. Dr. Hernandez confirmed that they would, and the online and paper forms would be identical.

Mr. Long mentioned that he thought computers might be illegal – but even if they’re not, they require licenses. He asked if anyone had up-to-date computer licenses for the college. Everyone else urgently shushed him, their eyes dashing left and right, fingers to their tight lips.

Dr. Mills asked if any help was available for faculty and staff members who had forgotten their login information for the Employee Self-Service area. Dr. Hernandez advised him to direct his query to the Help Desk, or to click on the link below the login form and answer the security question.

“You get one attempt,” Dr. Hernandez said. “One,” he said again. “One. You get one attempt.”

He repeated this for several minutes, the register of his voice growing lower and lower.

Action items: Bury an owl feather, six human finger bones, and a mirror in a shallow hole at the base of the largest rock in the mountains, beneath the light of a quarter-full moon. Tell no one. Not even your family. The same night, place a stone under your tongue and wind a ribbon around your mouth until you can make no sound. Sleep. You will dream of a tall, worried man, holding a rope. He will not speak to you, but he will point toward a doorway you do not recognize. It will be very very dark, and a faint cool breeze will blow forth, smelling faintly of copper and water.
Person responsible: Robert Hernandez

Item 14: Adjournment

The faculty met eyes, placed hands upon arms upon shoulders. Dr. Szabo, weeping, adjourned the meeting at an unknown time, as time is subjective and confusing.

In the flickering candlelight, their synchronous breath were a breezy metronome, marking the only time any of them could possibly understand.

The light went out. And in the darkness, there was a discomforting silence, followed by even more discomforting scratching sounds.

Minutes submitted by: Joshua White
Minutes approved by: The Survivors, presumably

Today’s proverb: If you’re worried your writing isn’t good, just remember: the earth is warming and soon, good and bad writing alike will all be underwater.