Episode 74 - Civic Changes
Remember that you are a beautiful person. You’re a weird-looking tree, but you’re a beautiful person.
Welcome to Night Vale.
Hello, listeners. To start things off, I’ve been asked to re-read this brief notice:
The City Council announces that no changes will be made to the Dog Park at the corner of Earl and Somerset, near the Ralph’s. They would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the Dog Park. People are not allowed in the Dog Park.
It is possible you will see Hooded Figures in the Dog Park.
Do not approach them. Do not approach the Dog Park.
The fence is electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the Dog Park, and especially do not look for any period of time at the Hooded Figures. The Dog Park will not harm you. The Dog Park is as it always was.
“Shut up about the Dog Park,” the City Council added in handwriting to the bottom of the notice.
This reminder of city rules is apparently in response to recent complaints by Night Vale citizens over the secretive and exclusive nature of the Dog Park. And these complaints are apparently in response to recent activity by certain…community radio hosts, and…local scientists, who surreptitiously used the Dog Park to go back and forth between Night Vale and a desert otherworld, and then…announced said activity to everyone over the airwaves.
Apparently. I’m not sure. I mean, I’m not sure of anything, really. Who knows? I don’t.
Let’s have a look now at sports.
The Night Vale High School Scorpions already have their first district win of the season, without actually having played a single district game. This Friday’s football game against fierce rival Desert Bluffs has been forfeited by the Vultures because of lack of funding. Desert Bluffs has been in a steep year-long recession.
I mean, it’s an awful city, but it’s hard not to feel bad. The town is facing record unemployment and major setbacks in city programming after the buyout and subsequent major restructuring last year of the only employer in town, StrexCorp.
DBHS has had to cut their athletic programs, as well as all music, history, trial mocking, and math classes.
Next week, the Night Vale Scorpions take on the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors, who are coming off last year’s successful 9-1 season, which was due, in large part, to all of their players being ghosts, and thus extremely difficult to tackle.
The Scorpions will need a lot of luck, as they will be without star running back Maliq Herrera this season. After last year’s scandal, in which it was revealed he wasn’t real, Herrera quit football to pursue his dreams of becoming a conceptual artist. His current medium is woodcarvings on living trees. He’s been at work in the Whispering Forest along the east side of Night Vale, etching phrases like “You look nice today!” and “I have always loved you!” into some of the cedar trunks.
The Whispering Forest usually lures humans with compliments, and then subsumes them, turning them into trees as well. But, since Maliq doesn’t actually exist, he’s immune to such pressure.
Oh! Guess what? We have a new intern! She’s been with us the past couple of weeks, handling our social media. I’m kind of an old fossil, and I’m not really good at things like the internet.
Oh! In fact, I think I’ve long since let my license to use a computer expire!
But, new intern Danielle has really picked up the slack, transcribing my work emails and my Hannibal fan poetry onto a Tumblr page. Intern Maureen used to do all that but, since she left, I’ve had to lean on Danielle for all of her expertise. Good work, Danielle! Hahaha!
Oh, speaking of which, with the current controversy at the Dog Park, I’m gonna need you to go down there and report on what’s happening.
Uh, Danielle is in the producer’s booth, shaking her head no.
Danielle, you look horrified! This is an easy story!
Huh? Uh-huh…
Oh, she's– she’s writing something down.
OK, um, Danielle just held her hand up to the plexiglass. She’s written on her palm in black marker, “This position regularly puts interns in harm’s way, and I would like to remain at my desk, where I am safe. I don’t want to die. The Dog Park is not safe. Please understand and respect my concerns. Sincerely, Danielle.”
Danielle also has extremely legible handwriting and large palms.
OK. OK. I understand that Danielle. I– I– I– I think you’re overreacting. Uh, the last time I sent an intern to report a story at the Dog Park, she became mayor! But OK, you do your thing.
Well, it sounds like we’re getting our first eyewitness reports from the Dog Park. Uh, we have on the phone right now John Peters – you know, the farmer? Uh, John, are you at the Dog Park right now?
John Peters: Howdy, Cecil, I sure am!
Cecil: What’s happening down there? Are people demonstrating? Is it peaceful?
John: That all depends on your definition of “peaceful,” Cecil. I’m looking right now at these people, they’re all in a long row, standing upright and perfectly still – perhaps a slight sway to each individual in the breeze, but otherwise perfectly planted and stoic. They’re all so quiet, not a single sound – ‘cept some incidental rustling, the mundane din of physical existence, that sort of thing – but not a word’s being spoken.
Cecil: This is amazing! I am so proud of our town, taking a nonviolent approach towards civic change. This reminds me of the classic sit-ins, where protest…
John: That…well, like I said, Cecil, they ain’t sittin’, per se. They’re all totally upright.
Cecil: OK, sure, I know, I just meant…
John: Well you should say what you mean. That’s a famous quote. You know who said that?
Cecil: Well, I know Lewis Carrol wrote…
John: No.
Cecil: Oh, uh, who said it, then?
John: …And now there are birds soarin’ above, lots of black birds circlin’ the rows of silent citizens. The birds are cawin’ and landin’ on some of them. There’s one citizen in particular who’s standing on a wood pipe, his arms spread wide, his head cocked, bent to the side. He’s wearing a straw hat, and a smile of unnatural geometry. His eyes are solid black, and seem to be protruding from his rough face. The birds are avoiding this particular man. I think, perhaps, he’s the leader of these people, as he also stands perfectly still, perfectly silent.
He is so stoic. So strong.
Cecil?
Cecil: Yes, John?
John: Cecil, I’m lookin’ straight at the sun right now…
Cecil: Oh, John, don’t do that, that’s bad for you!
John: So beautiful! It is so beautiful it hurts.
Cecil: Uh, John?
John: Oh! Here comes the cloud. That is such a relief.
Cecil: So, are the people at the Dog Park carrying signs of any sort? Are they wearing T-shirts with slogans, uh, anything like that?
John: They’re just all green and leafy, rising from the dirt. Little tufts of brownish hair on top. Some of the birds are peckin’ at their faces now, eatin’ the bulbous golden flesh hidden beneath.
Shoo! Git goin’, you birds!
Good. I think the birds are leavin’. Oh! Nope, they’re just circlin’ back to some other people further away. Oh, now they’re eatin’ them other folks’ heads! Oh, it’s brutal, Cecil, it’s just brutal!
Cecil: John, wait. Are you in a corn field?
John: …Well…
Cecil: It sounds an awful lot like a corn field.
John: I don’t want to get into an argument with you about semiotics, Cecil, but I know what I see.
Cecil: Thanks for the update, John.
John: Oh, you bet, Cecil! Always nice to talk to you.
Be gone, you birds!
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To deal with the controversy surrounding the “no dogs or people in the Dog Park” policy, Mayor Dana Cardinal (Oh! Hey, Danielle? That’s the former intern I was talking about. You sure you don’t want to go write a Dog Park story? OK, fine…) has sent her Director of Emergency Press Conferences, Pamela Winchell, to deliver an emergency press conference. Here is what she had to say:
Pamela Winchell: Today is an important day in our city’s history. Today, citizens of Night Vale have spoken, and they have said something. I wasn’t paying attention. I can’t hear and see and understand every single thought or feeling everyone is having at every single moment. Someone is always trying to explain things to me.
“Put the car in reverse to go backwards!”
“Don’t point that gun at me, Pamela!”
“Greenland is mostly ice, whereas Iceland is actually Ireland misspelled!”
Always someone over my shoulder, telling me how to do something, or someone on my shoulder crying, or someone below my shoulder in a headlock. It’s just too much for me to take in.
So, some of you are against the Dog Park. Or, maybe you are against the people against the Dog Park. I don’t know. Who can tell? Maybe you’re against dogs who are parking. Why would dogs park? Dogs can’t drive!
[Gasp] Wait…did you mean dogs barking? Are you against the “dog bark?” Oh-ho-ho-ho-hee-hee ye-ah. I’m with you on that. There is nothing worse than an idiot dog voicing its idiot opinion. Keep it to yourself, King Charles! Nobody asked!
Well, maybe someone did. I once asked a dog, “Who’s a good girl?” And it was silent. It didn’t know. Or, it didn’t want to say. Either possibility makes me sad. I’m still sad about this. Let’s have a moment of silence for my sadness.
…
OK. I’m still sad, though. But the sadness sits better with me.
Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to think about being sad? It’s true.
No questions! I’m taking no questions! We’re done here!
Oh, before I forget…Cecil, can we move our coffee date from Tuesday to Wednesday? I have a dental appointment Tuesday. I – ha! – I’d almost forgot why I’d originally called. Hah. Call me back, OK?
[Answering machine beeps]
Cecil: Oh. I guess that was just a voice mail from Pamela, not a press conference.
Never mind.
And now, an update on the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s.
The group of huddlers that meet at the hole and huddle have now taken up nestling.
“We’re done huddling,” said a spokesperson for the group.
No one knows who these former huddlers – current nestlers – are, nor their regularly scheduled nestling times, just that the like to nestle in the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph’s. They also like it when other people come join them. They formerly enjoyed huddling, but now their new thing is nestling.
“Come nestle with us,” their press release reads. “What’s the worst that could happen? We don’t know. And we’d like to find out,” it concludes.
A spokesperson for the group issued a new statement just now:
“Do not assume we like nestling, or dislike huddling. Nestling just is. Huddling just was. This is everything,” the statement reads.
So, go nestle.
Also, Ralph’s is a proud sponsor of our station, so maybe get some shopping done as well. Um, probably do the shopping part first.
We’re getting word that the people at the Dog Park have begun shouting at the Hooded Figures who inhabit the Dog Park. They are shouting things like, “I do not like the Dog Park policy!” and “Please, can my dog and I come play in the park?” and “That’s a nice park!”
Some of the dog owners have begun holding up spit-soaked tennis balls and well-chewed Frisbees, and they are demanding that they be let into the Dog Park so that they may get some exercise with their loving and loyal canine companions. One of them even shouted, “My dog has to pee really badly! See?” and then they pointed at their dog, and the dog was shifting its weight nervously from leg to leg, its eyes anxious, and its cheeks obviously flush underneath the dark fur.
In response to this heightened civil disobedience, Mayor Cardinal announce that she and the City Council will hold a meeting today to discuss their various options for changing the Dog Park policy. The City Council, speaking in unison, said they hated this idea, and then they sent a dozen or so helicopters across the city of Night Vale, spraying every citizen with sedatives.
Well, it sounds like maybe some headway will be made at the Dog Park. I hope it is soon, as things have gotten confrontational. I hope that [yawn] Oh, my gosh [yawn continues].
I better take us, before I drift off, to the…weath…mmm…mm [Cecil snores and exhales]
[“I Love You Oddly” by Rebecca Angel]
Good news! That sedative-assisted midday nap left me well rested and full of vim and pep.
Oh. More good news. After hours of meetings between the mayor and the City Council, the Dog Park has been officially opened up to use by dogs – a first in its three years of existence. There are some rules and guidelines for Dog Park usage, of course, as outlined just now by the City Council.
First, anyone wishing to take their dog to the Dog Park must have a dog.
Second, dog owners must submit proper paperwork proving that they are blood-related to their dog.
Third, after a municipal review committee approves the application, a Hooded Figure will take the dog into the Dog Park and play with the dog, using city-approved Frisbees, sticks, and balls.
Dog owners may not accompany the Hooded Figures during this time, and will be safely packed away in Styrofoam containers for the duration of the Dog Park program.
The City Council added that there will be a slight bump in gasoline taxes to pay for this new program. Also, they will be building new higher obsidian fencing around the Dog Park. They added that dogs who go into the Dog Park as part of this new program will not be returned to their owners.
Finally, they’ve hired Troy Walsh Landscaping to plant new white lily gardens around the perimeter of the Dog Park. Troy is sure great at everything he does, so that should be real pretty!
Well, good job, Night Vale! It’s a small step forward, but your voices were heard. So often we think that politics is just arguing about who should pretend to be president, but real change starts here at home, with your streets and neighborhoods and communities.
I’m proud of the great work done by our citizens today. We all came together over an issue important to the people, and we were heard by our leaders. How inspiring!
As the old saying goes, “horses leave hoof prints on your heart.” That doesn’t have anything to do with, uh, togetherness or change, it’s just a warning that horses are dangerous and will try to kill you. Know that, and you can accomplish anything.
Stay tuned next for a review of the popular new film, “Unedited CC TV Footage: Citgo #4172, Left Rear Cam.”
And as always, goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.
Today’s proverb: The word “motel” is an amalgam of the words “hotel” and “murder.”