Bonus Episode 7 - The Investigators on iTunes

[Note from cecilspeaks: Thanks and credit again go to @cecilbaldwin-fan for transcribing the Wil Wheaton segment which follows Joseph Fink’s introduction, as well as the other bonus tracks from The Investigators.]

Joseph Fink: Hey! So, our newest live recording, The Investigators, was released on Bandcamp recently, and we said it would be released on iTunes “soon.” Well, as of today – as of this very moment, in fact – that “soon” has become “now.” It is available on iTunes now. Over two hours of new Night Vale live material, featuring something like 15 guest stars and live music Disparition and Eliza Rickman, available right now on iTunes and still available at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

To celebrate, here is a clip from The Investigators. It is one of the bonus tracks of the recording, featuring Wil Wheaton as Earl Harlan. Enjoy.

Cecil: Let’s have a look now at the Community Calendar.

Wednesday evening, Night Vale’s most popular restaurant, Tourniquet, will be hosting a special chef’s table dinner. To learn more about this, we have Tourniquet’s sous-chef, Earl Harlan, right now on the phone with us. Thanks for joining us, Earl!

Earl Harlan: Thank you, Cecil! Well, the annual chef’s table dinner is a special night, when our executive chef, LaShawn Mason, personally curates and prepares a five-course tasting menu. It’s 500 dollars prix fixe, and it’s limited to only 13 attendees, so it will be an intimate and a unique experience.

Chef Mason wants to share some brand new dishes he’s been working on in his test kitchen. He hand-delivers each dish to the diners. [creepily] And then… he lingers…slowly over each diner, as they eat. Explaining every single bite, as he touches their chins…gently with his rough thumbs…and his soft…moist palms…lifting their mandibles up and down…to help them through the first stage…of the human digestive process. He also matches his heartbeat with theirs. Everyone…at the chef’s table…will share a heartbeat.

Cecil: That sounds very posh!

Earl Harlan: Have you ever listened to a heartbeat, Cecil?

Cecil: Oh sure. Yeah, I can actually hear my own right now, very loudly in my headphones, let’s see. Po-pom, po-pom, po-pom-pom-pom-pom-po…Pom pom pom pom pom pom pom pom pom popopopopopom, pommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Earl Harlan: That sounds terrifying.

Cecil: It is!

Earl Harlan: Anyway, this year’s dinner will center around quail.

Cecil: Ooh!

Earl Harlan: Chef Mason recently rediscovered the joy of quail meat, while on a spiritual retreat underneath his own bed. He was there for weeks, curled into a fetal position, alternating between screaming and crying, and clenching his eyes and teeth tightly, because he is really into meditation these days.

During the retreat, he found several quail living in his box spring mattress. And they were his only friends. He named them Ann, George, Latimer, Kaska, and Junior, and Friday. They all kept each other company in the cold dark night. And later when Chef Mason got hungry, he ate them all. It was hard to lose such good friends. But they were so delicious, he wanted to share that flavor with Night Vale.

Cecil: So, will you be at the dinner, Earl?

Earl Harlan: Oh yes! Yes, I will wake up that morning, and I will stare at myself in the mirror repeating, “You can do this, Earl. You can do this, Earl. You can do this, Earl.” Until my reflection says, “You’re right.” And then we’ll brush each others’ teeth, and trim each others’ mustaches, and comb each others’ hair…

Cecil: Awwww!

Earl Harlan: …and then step through the mirror and once again switch places in each others’ mirrored world for the day.

Cecil: Ah!

Earl Harlan: I’ll drive my car slowly into the parking lot of Tourniquet, and then I’ll call my son to tell him I love him. And that I remembered his name, which I can do most days.

Cecil: Oh!

Earl Harlan: And then I’ll sigh heavily, and I’ll put on my tuque and my jacket, and do my job.

Cecil: Well, it is such a blessing to have a career that you love! So, what can the diners expect at this rare culinary event?

Earl Harlan: Well, we will start with quail salad with a fig and orange milk dressing.

Cecil: Mm!

Earl Harlan: Followed by a large amount of quail eggs dropped from the ceiling. Then pasta made entirely from beaks.

Cecil: Huh.

Earl Harlan: Then the main course, in which I’ll use a bullhorn to recite instructions for gutting and cleaning, while each diner is given a live quail and a brick.

Cecil: Ohhh! Mmmm! Oh, It says – your press release says that dinner begins at 7:30.

Earl Harlan: 7:30 PM on the dot! Now this is one of the coolest parts of the whole night. It’s right at 7:30, when all of the diners from last year’s event will finally be released from the kitchen…and sent back to their old lives.

Cecil: Awww. Well that sounds fun.

Earl Harlan: Oh the sounds. There…are so…many…sounds, Cecil. There are so many things to hear…and to deal with.

Cecil: [very long beat] …Yes there are a lot of sounds, Earl. Um, thankfully my job is to talk and not to listen. Um, it is great to have you on the show, Earl. Let’s do this again soon, OK?

Earl Harlan: Bye bye Cecil, talk to you soon.

Cecil: Alright, bye Earl.

Joseph Fink: The Investigators. Two hours of brand new Night Vale, available now at iTunes and at nightvale.bandcamp.com.