December 2017

Do you have any killugon headcanons? I love your art by the way it's absolutely amazing!!!!

of course i do

i have tons of them

i’ll tackle the general stuff then, because otherwise i have no idea where to start

i think gon and killua’s potential romantic relationship and the way it might progress is very much dependent on their respective understanding of the notion of romantic attraction in general. 

killua is almost generic in this respect — he is an early bloomer that discovered his sexuality as a young teenager. he also has communicaton issues, he is afraid of showing any affection out of the fear of it being read as vulnerability, and he is a gross child that probably turns his nose every time he sees a romcom. however, killua is very much aware of the nature of his feelings towards gon. 

he also won’t be the first to confess, in my opinion, for several reasons. first, for a very emotional and expressive child, killua is plain bad at expressing deep feelings and Very good at bottling shit up. second, as a result of both that and the fact that he grew up in an abusive household where he had to stumble in the dark trying to guess the intentions of every single family member, killua pretty much assumes that you. don’t really Have to talk with your god given mouth. if he risks his life enough times for gon, gon is Bound to realize that killua is in love with him, right? talking about stuff kind of cheapens that anyway, right? (wrong you dumb child) third, since killua is so bad at talking, he screwed up telling gon that he had been hurt by gon’s behavior, and is it ever not difficult to confess your undying love if you are also mad at the object of your affections, and ashamed of yourself for being this attached.

and then there’s gon, who is pretty much the opposite of generic. the kid, in contrast to almost any other shounen protagonist, is so good at social interactions it’s unfair to literally everyone else. gon is extremely perceptive, he is amazing at reading the character and the atmosphere, and he is so effortlessly likable that he takes it for granted. saying that gon is clueless when it comes to romantic interactions would be imho a major mischaracterization. but he appears to be very peculiar about applying that knowledge and categorizing his relationships. 

i have no idea how much influence japanese culture has on the way gon talks about his dates (probably a lot), but while he groups the dates he had with the women on whale island with those with mito, he has no problem identifying which were platonic, and which weren’t. judging from his date with palm, he is also one weirdly sincere smooth motherfucker of a fourteen-year-old. therefore, i am inclined to think that gon considers romantic actions to be extremely performative. on a date he is likely to do whatever he likes and what he assumes the other person would like, which is not inherently romantic, but in the context it can become so (hence why dates with mito are platonic). i suppose, for gon, once he grows up and reaches the point where he becomes interested in romantic stuff, the only thing that will be able to help him differentiate that from platonic hanging-out will quite simply be the presence of kissing and similar romantically-coded actions. if he is comfortable enough around a person his age, i can easily imagine him becoming more physically affectionate with them, which he will eventually classify as romantic attraction. 

now imagine these two getting together after like two or three years of separation. setting aside their issue with the events of the ca arc, can you imagine the load of confusion that their interactions will be? 

gon is obviously comfortable around killua, and i can easily see him progressing from horsing around to hugs and cuddles and kisses, all the while being his usual healthily communicative self and asserting his appreciation of killua, settling comfortably into romantic attraction.

killua is going to Flip. he has No idea what is going on and half assumes that gon is this affectionate with everyone and half panics, or whatever it is he does while not Communicating. once gon is used to the new dynamic, he probably takes killua out on a couple of dates, framing them as obviously romantic, while all the declarations of “i like you killua!” fly over killua’s head because he’d rather suffer and assume that these are simply platonic outings.

at some point gon gets frustrated with the fact that killua is obviously Not on the same page as him, and probably has to sit him down with a twig full of fireflies and make it Real simple for his emotionally constipated bff. nothing is well in the world but at least gon has confessed his feelings, and killua probably mumbled something to the same extent, and hopefully will articulate it more clearly before the universe decides to teach him a lesson, again.

this turned out half-meta half-rambling but i hope you enjoyed reading that. thanks so much for complimenting my art!

Isn't it unfair for Killua to still be mad at Gon? Gon was going through a suicidal breakdown, didn't want Killua to go down in flames with him, apologized both on and off screen/panel about it, and if Killua didn't make his full feelings known, how can he still hold that against Gon? I mean, it sucks that he's already being left behind AGAIN by someone who he thought cared about him, but for Killua to still hold a grudge is so harsh

ohh this is a very good question! 

the short answer for me is no, it’s not unfair.

the long answer is that feelings aren’t fair or unfair, they just are. killua, or any person for that matter, can’t really control the way he feels. moreover, he is a child with little to no conventional socialization, he has no idea how to handle his emotions, and that tangle of intense love and hurt he feels towards gon probably drives him nuts as it is, without the added layer of trying to reflect on those feelings.

that said, boy did killua screw up. his relationship with gon is a textbook case of communication issues with a spoonful of codependency (because killua has never in his life had a relationship that wasn’t codependent, kind of hard to get rid of that pattern on your own). killua’s hugest flaw is that he cannot talk to save his life. he is very good at expressing emotions of minor importance, like irritation, surprise, excitement, but if you dig a little bit deeper he bristles and closes up. gon gushes about how much he appreciates killua? blush and devalue that by calling gon embarrassing. deeply disturbed by the fact that gon clams up in the face of killua’s request that goes against gon’s selfish wishes? smile and sweep everything under the carpet. mad at best friend for shutting him off and saying some really rotten things to him? killua was so Enraged that he faced off his family, which is the only thing that truly terrifies him, kidnapped his sister and negotiated with his abusive brother just so he could heal gon, All for the sake of eventually bitch-slapping him and giving him what-for. and then killua sees gon, all healthy and smiling, and all he can muster is a half-hearted and jokingly angry “well, weren’t you mean to me!”

no fucking wonder all gon said in response was “aww i’m so sorry killua :( :)”

gon, though, is not completely innocent here either. while i do love to rag on killua for being a closed off reticent brat, especially in contrast to gon, who is Much more healthily communicative, gon has his own issues with interpersonal relationships. his Main issue is that his relationships are never his first priority – or, should i say, they are only a priority as long as his friends’ goals don’t clash with his own. don’t get me wrong – loving yourself and understanding that you are your own most important person is good and healthy, but gon is deeply selfish and self-centered with an all-or-nothing mindset and no idea how to meet people half way. and since his sense of self revolves around being Powerful, Power is what he puts on the pedestal. and Bingo! it’s exactly what compromises his otherwise impeccable social skills and emotional openness. Power is the only thing that fazes gon – all the times i remember him crying was because he felt weak and sorry for himself. and the one time he isn’t honest with killua is when he is feeling resentful towards him, because boy howdy is gon jealous of the fact that killua is stronger than him, and oh how carefully he hides that embarrassing secret. i firmly believe that gon harshly refused killua’s help not so much because he was worried about killua being caught in the cross-fire, but because of that very resentment telling him that killua, his so much more composed (is he though?) and experienced friend, thought he was weak and needed help achieving his own goal.

so now we have these two emotionally inexperienced children trying to have That Talk under the world tree (i’m begging you togashi that was so symbolic and tongue-in-cheek at the same time). the talk where they should come clean and apologize for everything — and guess what? it doesn’t work, because apologies only go so far if you don’t discuss what you are apologizing for (hint: they don’t go anywhere, period). gon doesn’t understand the full scope of how much he fucked up both because he is self-centered and it’s sort of outside of his mindset, and because killua never told him how gravely he had been hurt by gon’s actions. it’s all made even worse by the fact that gon doesn’t know that he was practically dead and killua dragged his sorry ass out of hell itself, all because killua insisted that no one tell gon what had actually happened. 

that apology really didn’t count, did it. it didn’t even come close to counting.

tl;dr the boys both screwed up big time, and the only remedy is Talking. so much talking.

Who is your favorite hxh character to draw? ^-^

the jungle child

he is the easiest to draw for me, too

So do you think Killua is still angry and resentful towards Gon? And how do you think they can patch things up at this point since they’re not even together?

oh man. i’ve thought on this matter extensively, so here’s my hot take:

yes, he absolutely is still angry at gon. however, i firmly believe that he decided to leave gon behind largely because he blames himself for everything that had transpired during the ca arc. 

let me elaborate:

guilt and shame are recurrent themes when it comes to killua’s character. he is a child abuse survivor, with tons of great expectations piled upon him by his emotionally manipulative family, who won’t stop drilling two things into his head: one, he doesn’t deserve friends, and if he makes them, he will eventually betray them; two, family is the only thing in this world that he loves and loves him in return.

illumi is pretty blunt and frankly artless about it; as far as manipulation goes, his way of using it against killua is rather see-through. now, Silva is the one who is a master manipulator. he plays the god cop to illumi’s bad one, and killua, a child desperate for any kind of love and attention, falls for it completely. and once silva has killua’s trust, he makes killua swear that he will be strong enough to never betray his friends. do you see his tactic? if killua ever Does betray his friends, he will return back to his family, riddled with shame and now completely respecting his father’s authority – because his family has been right all along.

the sad thing is that it’s not only his family who keep insisting that killua is too weak, or too cold, or too much of a monster to have friends; he receives a similar message from a person who is in a position of power over him, and more importantly, a person whom he trusts – bisky. she is the one who tells him to leave gon if he doesn’t believe himself to be strong and brave enough to stay by his side, which only reinforces killua’s worst fears. 

that’s why killua kept following gon everywhere, borderline obsessed with the idea of protecting him. killua wanted to prove to the world, and most importantly, to himself, that he was worthy of staying by gon’s side.

then this concoction of fears, apprehension, love and desire to help crashes into gon’s impenetrable wall of “i am not weak, this is my fight, it’s me who is to blame for kite’s death” and killua feels devastated, because he has been shut out in the most desperate of times – exactly when friends are supposed to help each other. and then he sees gon after his fight with pitou, and the only thing he could be possibly thinking of is that he wasn’t there to save his friend when it mattered the most. it doesn’t matter that it was gon who refused his help; he still wound up practically dead on killua’s watch. he still blames himself for betraying his friend, just like his family had warned him.

and the most interesting thing and what i think of as brilliant writing? killua ends up symbolically fulfilling his father’s prophecy by coming back to his family – alluka and nanika. 

he decides to leave gon not because he wants to be apart from him. he fears that if he stays by gon’s side, he will betray him again.

i’ll even go as  far as to say that most of his anger (not all, but most of it) is performative. it’s his way of trying to disguise his perceived guilt, because just like gon, killua does not know how to deal with sadness, remorse and regret - both of them channel it into anger, or, in gon’s case, sometimes into over-the-top enthusiasm and restless energy.

as for patching things up… i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: talking. that’s the only way. i don’t think they’ll keep things separate for much time, a year tops, because they are still young teenagers and a year is a long time for them. i hope alluka will be a positive influence on killua, will teach him to be more assertive and forthcoming with his discomfort. then it’s just the matter of him confronting gon, who will have hopefully worked through things on his own too (gon is in no way dense; he knows he fucked up and just needs time to access his sadness and learn to express it).

so yeah. thanks for the opportunity to ramble, i’ve got too many thoughts on this subject haha

Since Killua and Gon have been separated for a year now in the manga, and there’s no indication they reunited, do you think Killua might have left with no intention of reuniting and traveling with Gon again? It seems sad that one mistake dismantled all the good Gon did for Killua in Killua’s mind :(

well, first of all i’m not too worried about the passage of time in the manga because hunter x hunter in this regard is like an old greek epic. when togashi leaves some characters to focus on others, the narrative time stops for the former. which is somewhat silly, but charming, i guess… in an absent-minded, i-do-not-remember-the-milestones-of-the-timeline-in-my-own-story way. my speculation that it might take killua and gon no more than a year to come to their senses and work things through is just that - a speculation. togashi doesn’t put much stock into the ‘time heals’ concept; he appears much more proactive when it comes to resolving the conflicts that his characters face.

so no, i do not think that this is it for killua and gon, both because it seems rather unlikely for togashi to leave that plotline hanging (it’s the central unresolved conflict of the ca arc), and because of the nature of gon and killua’s relationship. people of their age meet and separate without ever looking back all the time, but killua and gon went through a number of formative, life-changing experiences together. try as they might, they won’t be able to just up and cut all ties with each other.

i do not think that killua wants to leave gon behind for good, either. he seems to realize that he needs some distance from gon, because he’s been putting his friend on the pedestal and shaping his entire existence around him for way too long. i think he knows that he needs some time to learn who killua is without gon, and frankly, it’s a healthy thing to do in my opinion.

and last but not least, for killua leaving with no intention to reunite and patch things up with gon would be a strange narrative choice to say the least, considering how much foreshadowing that scene under the world tree contained, both from the symbolic point of view (parting under the world tree, a mythical representation of the center of the world, where everything begins and ends, something people keep coming back to), and from the point of possible character development for alluka (she says that she’ll “return” killua to gon, implying that she will soon be independent enough not to need killua’s protection, and i like to think that she might even play a major role in killua’s development as a character, making him reevaluate his relationship with gon and come back to it with a healthier approach).

hi i had a mighty need to tell you that i'm in love with the way you draw gon he's beautiful

thank you

he is a handsome boy