## Preface

Canvas
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/42755004.

Rating:
  Explicit
Archive Warning:
  No Archive Warnings Apply
Category:
  M/M
Fandom:
  Critical Role (Web Series)
Relationship:
  Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan
Characters:
  Shaun Gilmore, Vax'ildan (Critical Role), Allura Vysoren
Additional Tags:
  Role Reversal, BDSM, Established Relationship, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Porn with Feelings, Dom Vax'ildan (Critical Role), Sub Shaun Gilmore, Light Dom/sub, Praise Kink, Masturbation, Body Worship, Bondage Without Restraints, Foreskin Play, Hand Jobs, Aftercare
Language:
  English
Series:
  Part 9 of Fabric
Stats:
  Published: 2022-10-31 Words: 11,109 Chapters: 1/1

# Canvas

by the_deep_magic

Summary

> Vax’s smile goes so soft that Shaun has to break his gaze for a moment, not even realizing he’s doing it. He feels Vax’s hand, heartbreakingly gentle, come up to rest on his cheek. “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” A pause. “Unless you want me to make you uncomfortable?”

> There should be a twinkle in Vax’s eye as he says it, a knowing wink, but there isn’t, and the sincerity robs Shaun of his ability to respond. No one has pulled the rug out from under him like this in years — probably because he’s spent quite a bit of effort making sure no one can get close enough. It’s disorienting and a little scary, but it’s not painful.

Notes

> So obviously I wasn’t able to do Kinktober this year, but I couldn’t let the month pass without adding to this series! I’ve known I wanted to write this part pretty much since I realized this AU was becoming its own thing, lo this many (two) Kinktobers ago, but it fought me for a good long while. Takes place not long after “Jute,” and you might want to read the rest of the series for context.

## Canvas

It’s not every day that the chairwoman of the Emon city council has lunch with the owner and proprietor of the city’s most notorious BDSM club. Well, it might be if either of them had the time, but as it is, they have to settle for once every few weeks.

Shaun stands as she nears the table. “You look radiant as always, my dear.”

Allura just rolls her eyes, but her expression is fond. “Good to see you too, Shaun. Sorry I’m late.”

“No apologies required. It’s rather nice to have a few minutes to simply sit and enjoy a well-made coffee,” he says. “Would you like one?”

Shaun flags down the waitress, a slightly older woman who knows him very well but isn’t yet entirely immune to his charms, and they order. Allura does look good, if a little tired — not that Shaun would ever give voice to the sentiment. From what he knows, she keeps the whole town running, and he’s happy to provide her a bit of discreet respite at the club whenever she likes.

“I’m so glad you were able to come to the party last weekend,” Shaun says. “I know how busy you keep.”

Her smile is small, but it reaches her eyes. “It was wonderful, Shaun, as always. Do you think you’ll be able to have them regularly again?”

“I certainly would like to, though I still need to find someone to take over the planning. I’m afraid logistics isn’t my strong suit.”

“That wasn’t a poorly-veiled hint, was it?”

“Oh, no, my dear, not in the slightest!” Shaun exclaims, covering Allura’s hand with his own. “While I have no doubt that you’re eminently capable, I’d never presume to put more on your plate. I was merely thinking out loud.”

“Sure you were,” she says teasingly, but she sits back in her chair easily. “Thank you for letting me and Kima borrow your boy that evening. If I hadn’t already known why you’re so smitten with him, I would by now.”

Shaun knows the grin that begins to spread across his face is verging into silliness, but he can’t help it. “Vax’ildan is a… remarkable man. In the club and at home.”

Allura chuckles. “That’s quite the understatement. I’m happy for you, Shaun. I don’t know him terribly well yet, but you two seem well-matched.”

Perhaps it’s not the time or the place for heavy sentiment, but Shaun doesn’t get the chance to wax rhapsodic about Vax’ildan nearly enough. And Allura will understand. “He just… walked right into my club ten months ago,” Shaun says softly, glancing down at his hands. “I opened the curtain one Saturday night to see him looking at me, all wide-eyed and vulnerable and eager to be dominated. Even after all this time, I’m still not certain I didn’t somehow conjure him into being.”

“Come now, Shaun — you’re good with magic, but you’re not that good,” Allura says. Her tone is teasing, but her eyes are soft. Understanding.

With a coy laugh, Shaun hangs his head. “No, I’m absolutely not. He’s better than anything I would have thought to summon. I was head over heels right from the beginning.”

Allura smiles to herself. “I remember how that feels, except in my case it was a loud, pushy halfling with a whip.”

It’s years ago now, but Shaun remembers that. Allura had confided in him her initial uncertainty that a relationship with Kima was feasible, since they were both primarily dominant, and in very different ways. But with some time and some communication — and the occasional third party — they were able to make it work, and now Shaun is hardly able to remember a time when they weren’t Kima-and-Allura. The idea that he could have the same with Vax, that maybe, possibly he already does…

“I don’t—” Shaun starts, and he’s surprised to find that his voice is wavering. “I don’t want to ruin this, Vax and I.”

She frowns at him lightly. “I don’t think you’re in any danger of that, not if what I saw at the party was any indication. He adores you, Shaun. Everyone could see it.”

“You think so?”

“I do. Though I can’t say I remember the last time I saw the great Shaun Gilmore express this much uncertainty about anything.”

“I’m not uncertain about him, not at all. I’m simply…” Shaun glances away. There are few people in his life he can be this open with, this vulnerable, but it’s still difficult to face Allura’s assessing gaze. “I don’t have the best track record.”

She doesn’t respond right away, giving it some genuine thought. It’s part of why Shaun respects her so highly, and why he’s more inclined to believe her when she says, “I’ve never known you to be careless, or to fail to treat someone with the respect and love they deserve. There are things even you can’t control, but I don’t doubt the strength of your love.”

“I’m the first dom he’s ever had.” Shaun’s had all this running through his head from the beginning, but he’s never said it out loud before. “And there is… an age gap. I try to be mindful of that, especially as it relates to our respective amounts of experience. And you and I both know love isn’t always enough.”

Allura maintains a neutral expression, listening carefully, and then she nods. “That’s true. But sometimes it’s more than enough, when it gives you the motivation to work through obstacles in an unselfish way. And you may be an incorrigible hedonist, Shaun, but I’ve never known you to be selfish.”

“I suppose that depends on how you look at it.”

“Have you talked to him about this? About your insecurities?”

“No, I…” Shaun sighs. “I haven’t wanted to burden him with that. Not if it’s my problem.”

“Do you think he would see it as your problem? This fear that you’re going to mess something up?”

“I guess I haven’t wanted him to be… unsure of me.”

“Shaun,” she says, shaking her head, incredulous. “Don’t try to pull the stoic dom stuff. You’ve cautioned me against that yourself.”

“Is that what I’m doing here?”

“It seems like it to me. You’re afraid to be vulnerable with him because… because you’re afraid it will make you seem less composed. Less omniscient.”

Clenching one hand into a fist under the table, Shaun says, “I can’t make mistakes with him.”

“Why not?”

“I’ll hurt him.”

Clearly unimpressed with his answer, Allura smooths her napkin over her lap. “You might. It’s the risk we all take. But it’s one he signed up for.”

“I’m not talking about physical pain.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Neither am I.”

Shaun closes his eyes and swallows over the lump in his throat.

“Listen,” Allura says softly, and he feels her cool, small hand come to rest over his on the table. “I know this is hard for the unflappable Shaun Gilmore to talk about, and I’m glad you’re able to do it with me. But you need to be able to do it with him, too. It seems to me you’re assuming that since he hasn’t been in this kind of relationship before, with this kind of power dynamics, he’s never been hurt. That he doesn’t know how to protect himself. But I don’t think that’s an assumption you can make.”

Shaun wants to say something, wants to retort, but Allura smiles playfully. “I know you think you’re irresistible, Shaun, but he’s not kneeling at your feet because he just can’t help himself. He’s doing it because he’s choosing to. With you.”

It’s at that moment, of course, that the food comes, and while they should perhaps continue this conversation, Shaun is in fact quite hungry. And if it allows him to build some of his defenses back up while they eat, that’s fine, too. Conversation over the food turns to easier topics, to common acquaintances within the community. Allura is, as ever, kind and tactful. He can see that she’s made her point, and she’s going to let him sit with it instead of trying to hammer it home.

Shaun is grateful for it, and he’s astonished as always at how well Allura understands him. They only met after he moved to Emon, after he’d already made himself into Shaun Gilmore, the proprietor of one of the best-know BDSM clubs in the country. Sometimes, though, it’s hard to remember she never actually met Shaun Geddemore, the Marquesian misfit with a chip on his shoulder and a need to prove people wrong. Of all the people he knows, Allura, at least, might still want to go out to lunch with Geddemore, even if he couldn’t make decent conversation or pay for the meal.

But Shaun Gilmore can and does, even when Allura rolls her eyes. There’s no time to argue, though, since she’s got meetings all afternoon and needs to get going. However, as she’s standing up from the table, she says, “A little advice?”

He braces himself, but she continues, “Relax and let him take care of you sometimes. He wants to.”

It’s not what Shaun was expecting her to say. “You think so?”

She smiles. “Yes, I do.”

&&&

Of course, even the hedonistic aspects of their relationship are far from one-sided — Vax has introduced Shaun to a number of his own sensual pleasures, chief among them the ordering of cheap, greasy pizza and binge-watching of terrible reality TV. It makes for a good wind-down after a lighter session, and it’s mostly an excuse for cuddling on the couch and for Shaun to occasionally feed Vax garlic knots by hand, just because.

“Y’know,” Vax says once all the garlic knots are gone and they’re lazing in a well-fed stupor. “There’s one conversation we’ve never had.”

“Only one?”

“Well, one in particular.” Vax sits up in his arms, turning to face Shaun. “So, uh, you clearly picked up within seconds of meeting me that I’m the world’s most obvious bottom.”

Shaun chuckles. “Nothing wrong with knowing what you like, little bird.”

“I mean, it’s gotten me this far, so no complaints,” Vax says with an easy shrug. “But I have topped before, with other partners, and I like it fine.”

“A ringing endorsement,” Shaun says wryly.

“No, I really do like it, it’s just not” — Vax bites his lip and makes a gesture that Shaun can’t even begin to interpret — “y’know.”

Shaun shifts around to better face Vax, grin widening. “Clearly I don’t. Why don’t you explain yourself in abundant detail? Leave absolutely nothing out.”

“Now you’re deflecting,” Vax says with an eye roll, but he’s smiling, too. “Topping isn’t the same for me. Not as… I don’t know… overpowering a feeling. ’Til I met you, I thought ‘fuck me until I forget my own name’ was hyperbole. But obviously, you’ve achieved that quite thoroughly, more than once. So I just wanted to ask if you ever like to switch things up. Like, mechanically, I mean.”

“I appreciate your consideration,” Shaun says, choosing his words carefully, “but I’m extremely comfortable with the way things are.”

“Really?” Vax says, eyes widening a little. “You don’t ever want…”

“Very rarely,” Shaun says honestly. “And I much prefer fingers when I do.”

Vax nods with understanding. “Okay, noted. I just didn’t want you to think I was being greedy. I didn’t want to be greedy, if there was something you needed that you weren’t getting.”

“Thank you for asking,” Shaun says, squeezing Vax’s hand in his. “And you should know that you’re the farthest thing from greedy.”

“It doesn’t always feel that way, I guess?” Vax says, squeezing back. “We spend so much time focusing on me and what I want. I know we’ve talked about this before, but…”

“We can talk about it as often as you need to hear it.” Shaun kisses Vax’s forehead, then rests the bridge of his nose against it. “I get an enormous amount of satisfaction from indulging you. Or withholding indulgence, as the case may be.”

Vax snorts softly but doesn’t let go of Shaun’s hand. “I also wanted to ask you…” He takes a deep breath and lets it out. “Remember that first night at your apartment, when you said I could boss you right back sometimes?”

“Little bird, there’s very little I’ve forgotten about that night.”

“I guess what I’m asking is whether you ever want to switch up more than just mechanics. The power exchange stuff,” Vax says, looking down at his hand in Shaun’s. His body language and the tone of his voice are a world away from where they were a moment ago, when he described topping as fine. This, clearly, is something Vax is actually invested in.

Shaun starts to open his mouth but finds he doesn’t have an easy answer at the ready. He hasn’t subbed for anyone in a long, long time, to the point where he thought it was something he was done with. Giving up control was always difficult, and though there had been a time early on in his journey through kink when he’d enjoyed it, every time he’s considered it since, the answer has been an easy “no.” However, it’s also been a long time since he’s given the question serious thought.

The thought of Vax turning the tables on him is an… intriguing one, to say the least. If Vax wants something, he asks for it, even if they’re not in a scene, and Shaun rarely turns him down or even needs to redirect him. But Shaun knows that’s not the same thing as letting Vax call the shots. That would require Shaun to give up the reins entirely, something that he’s not entirely comfortable with. Still, watching Vax try the dominant role on for size would surely be an unforgettable experience, and the day Shaun turns something down just because it’s outside his comfort zone is the day he should probably retire. That day is a long way off.

“Shaun?” Vax asks again after a moment, quieter.

“Sorry, my love. I was actually thinking it through.” He brings Vax’s hand to his mouth and kisses his knuckles. “It’s not something I’ve seriously considered in quite a while.”

“Oh. Well, consider it if you want to,” Vax says brightly, perhaps encouraged at not immediately being turned down. “It’s not urgent, I was just curious.”

“About dominating me?”

“That sounds so strict and, like, formal,” Vax says with a sheepish smile. “More like… focusing on you instead of me.”

“I love focusing on you.”

“I love it, too!” Vax laughs at himself. “Wow, that sounded kind of selfish, but you know what I mean, right?”

“Yes, I do. But I didn’t want there to be any doubt.” Shaun suddenly hears Allura’s words in his head: Relax and let him take care of you. “I don’t feel like I’m missing anything, but if this is something you want to explore, let’s talk about it.”

“See, that’s just it…” Vax shakes his head. “Look, if this is one of those things I still don’t get, you can tell me. But the way you take care of me, the way you just lay me down and, like, worship my body until I can’t string thoughts together… don’t you want that sometimes?”

For some reason, that’s not the direction Shaun expected the conversation to take, and once again, he finds he doesn’t have a ready answer. “It’s not that I don’t want it. Perhaps I just find that it’s… not as easy for me as it seems to be for you. It doesn’t come quite as naturally.”

“What doesn’t? I mean, what specifically?”

“Accepting care. Accepting praise.”

Vax frowns. “So it’s not so much the taking orders as it is taking compliments?”

“Praise and compliments are different things. I realize that may sound counterintuitive, but—”

“No, that actually kind of makes perfect sense,” he says, his expression lightening. “You have a hard time being vulnerable, don’t you?”

Vax’s eyes are warm, but they seem to bore straight through Shaun. He feels like Vax has just seen through him — another long unfamiliar feeling, particularly from a romantic partner. His mouth seems to have gone suddenly dry. “I think you might be right about that, little bird.”

Vax’s smile goes so soft that Shaun has to break his gaze for a moment, not even realizing he’s doing it. He feels Vax’s hand, heartbreakingly gentle, come up to rest on his cheek. “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” A pause. “Unless you want me to make you uncomfortable?”

There should be a twinkle in Vax’s eye as he says it, a knowing wink, but there isn’t, and the sincerity robs Shaun of his ability to respond. No one has pulled the rug out from under him like this in years — probably because he’s spent quite a bit of effort making sure no one can get close enough. It’s disorienting and a little scary, but it’s not painful. The feeling may be unfamiliar, but it’s strong enough that Shaun knows he needs to recognize it, to acknowledge it and consider what it means. “I need time to think. I’m not writing this off — I want to come back to it, in fact, but I can’t give an answer right now.”

“Of course,” Vax says, putting his arms around Shaun’s neck and holding him tightly. “Please, take your time.”

“What…” Shaun starts, trailing off to bury his nose in Vax’s hair and breathe in his scent. It’s grounding, and he finds his voice again. “Did you have any specific scenarios in mind for me to think about?”

Vax answers quickly enough that it’s clear he’s given it substantial thought. “I want it to be something relaxed. Low pressure. In our bedroom, I think, not the club. The club’s your domain, right?” He can hear the anticipation in Vax’s voice. “Not fancy rope bondage or cuffs or anything like that, but maybe some light restraints. And I’d just focus on you for a while, the way I wanted to.”

“Okay,” Shaun says, taking a deep breath. “That gives me something to consider, and we can talk more specifics later.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t surprise you with anything. I’ll talk everything through the same way you do with me. And you have veto power over all of it.”

“Naturally.”

Vax smiles at that, lips curling up where they’re pressed against Shaun’s temple. “Gods, Shaun, I love you so much, no matter what you decide. Now let’s start this episode over again—I haven’t been paying attention at all and I don’t know why Sharon slapped that waiter.”

&&&

At first, Shaun’s concerned about finding time to give Vax’s suggestion the thought it deserves. It’s certainly not that Shaun doesn’t want to — he would have been honest with Vax about that — but both his days and nights are busy, and he wants to give Vax an answer within a reasonable amount of time. He doesn’t want Vax to think he’s forgotten about it.

In the end, though, he doesn’t have to set time aside, exactly. The thought of it, of giving up control to Vax, worms its way into his brain and refuses to leave. He finds himself looking at the tools of his trade with fresh eyes, wondering what it would feel like to have Vax use them on him. Not that Vax expressed a desire to wield a riding crop and chain Shaun to a cross, but it’s a hard mental image to shake, though not an unwelcome one.

Once Shaun realizes it’s actively distracting him, he does take some time to think — away from the club, away from Vax even — to get his mind in order and try to decide what he wants. It feels unfamiliar, as he’s spent the majority of the past decade feeling entirely sure about what he wants. But he’s also a man who can occasionally find beauty in the gray areas, in the not-knowing, the anticipation. Plus, he’d hardly be Shaun Gilmore if he turned down an opportunity to experience a new, unfamiliar pleasure.

In the end, it takes him less than a week to decide, and he brings it up late one afternoon when they’re expected for dinner with the de Rolos in an hour.

“I’ve given it some thought,” Shaun says carefully, watching as Vax’s eyes light up when he realizes what Shaun’s talking about.

“And?” Vax asks gently, but his fingers twists together nervously.

“I don’t want to be restrained,” Shaun says, suddenly find it hard to meet Vax’s eyes. “But if you’d like, you can tell me where to put my hands and I’ll keep them there.”

Shaun couldn’t say why he expected Vax to push back on that, but Vax just nods. “That sounds fine. What if I gave you something to hold onto? To keep your hands occupied?”

Shaun nods back. “Yes, that would work.”

“Any other thoughts?”

“Well, what else do you want to try?” Shaun asks quickly, a sudden flutter of nerves making itself known in his stomach. There aren’t many specific acts Shaun will veto out of hand without asking for details, but he doesn’t know where Vax’s head is at. “I have limits in terms of breaking the skin, or—”

“No, no, nothing like that. I’m not interested in causing you pain.”

Shaun smiles. “It’s not a bad thing if you are. I’ve gotten off on certain types of painplay in my time. Not recently, but I’m willing to work with you to find something we’d both enjoy.”

“Wow, okay, I definitely need to hear about that at some point, but not for right now.” Vax is grinning now. “I just want to be able to… to touch you. I guess that’s kind of a given, but I’m not looking for anything fancy or high-tech. I just want to know that if I say something, you’ll do it.”

Shaun swallows hard. It would perhaps be easier if Vax wanted to use a cat o’ nine tails on him — at least he’d know exactly what to expect, how much he could take. But given how compatible they are, it shouldn’t surprise Shaun that Vax is a lot like him in this regard, relishing the psychological aspects of what they do together over the physical. “What will you want me to do, exactly?”

“Well, I haven’t planned it all out, but I want to touch you however feels right in the moment. I want to decide how you get off, instead of the other way around.” He pauses. “Are you okay with not knowing the specifics beforehand, as long as we establish the general boundaries? I’d really like to be able to go with what feels right in the moment.”

“I think that will be okay, since it sounds like hard physical play is off the table,” Shaun says carefully. “But if I have specific questions for you, I’m going to want you to answer them.”

Vax nods eagerly. “Of course.”

“And I will say that I don’t enjoy being condescended to. Teased, yes, but not patronized.”

“I can honestly say it never occurred to me,” Vax says. “You don’t treat me like that.”

“Well, some people do enjoy it. I’ve never been one of them.”

“Noted,” Vax says quickly. And then he beams again and throws his arm around Shaun’s neck. “Oh my gods, I’m so excited, I wish we could just…” Shaun feels him shift his arms to look at his watch. “Shit, you did this on purpose, didn’t you?”

Shaun chuckles, kissing Vax’s neck until he squeaks. “It’s not a good idea to get carried away during the negotiation, my dearest.”

“Oh, you don’t think I’d leave my sister waiting?”

The chuckle turns into a full laugh. “No, I’ve met her, and I don’t think you would.”

&&&

Once they decide on it, Shaun clears his schedule for the weekend. It feels that important.

Shaun’s already bare when he sits down on the edge of the bed — no robe, of course, but no makeup or jewelry either, at Vax’s request.

“Can I take your hair down?” Vax asks as he sits beside Shaun, naked himself.

It’s already challenging not to reach out and touch, but Shaun manages. “Of course, little bird.”

Vax smiles gently, kneeling up on the bed and getting behind him. Shaun hasn’t done anything elaborate with his hair today, just a simple plait, but Vax takes out the gold clasp holding the braid in place and carefully finger-combs it out. Vax takes his time running his fingers through Shaun’s hair, short nails scratching tenderly against Shaun’s scalp, and it makes Shaun sigh with pleasure. Vax usually helps with braiding Shaun’s hair rather than with taking it down, but perhaps Shaun should indulge himself with this more often.

But that’s a thought for later, because tonight, Shaun doesn’t get to decide on his own indulgences. He doesn’t even decide on where he gets to sit once they begin.

The headboard of their large, sturdy bed is dark wood and wrought iron, decorative at first glance, but with a wealth of attachment points if you know where to look. But they’re not using any of them this evening. Instead, Shaun settles near the center of the headboard where Vax has piled the pillows.

“Just hold on to either side of the headboard, please,” Vax says lightly, barely containing his enthusiasm. “Wherever is comfortable to keep your arms spread.”

Shaun can’t help but smile even through a light flutter of nerves as his hands find places to grip the bars of the headboard around shoulder height, elbows slightly bent. It’s been a long time since he’s taken such straightforward direction. “So polite, my darling.”

Vax grins and stretches his arms out until he can wrap each hand over Shaun’s where they rest on the bars. “I don’t intend to be mean to you,” he says, dropping a soft kiss on Shaun’s lips. “Unless you want me to be.”

“Ah, but it’s not what we discussed.” Shaun has no intention of critiquing Vax’s technique, particularly not while they’re mid-scene, but if Vax needs the reminder, there it is. The wrought iron is surprisingly slippery under Shaun’s palms.

“Not at all,” Vax says, face still close enough to Shaun’s that he can brush their noses together. “I’m going to stick to the plan. No restraints, no toys. Hands and mouth only. No butt stuff.” He kisses the corner of Shaun’s mouth. “On you. I can do whatever I like to myself, and you have to watch.”

Shaun’s heart rate jumps — it’s not that he thinks Vax would use this opportunity to try to upset Shaun just to be provocative, but… he could. He won’t, Shaun repeats to himself, and he believes it. Still, his heart doesn’t slow. Again, he’s reminded that it’s been a very long time since he’s put himself in a position to feel this way.

“Hey,” Vax says, pulling back a little and cupping his hands around Shaun’s face. “It’s really important to me that you know I’m not taking this for granted, the trust you’re putting in me.”

“I know that,” Shaun says, voice coming out softer than he intends it to.

“I love you so, so much,” Vax says, closing his eyes and pressing their foreheads together. “I love you more than all the kinky sex and power fantasies in the world, and if you start to doubt that for even a second, use our word and I’ll stop everything to remind you.”

Shaun knows, he knows, but it’s still good to hear. “I love you, too,” he murmurs back. “And I promise you I’ll use the word if I need to.”

“Good.” Vax nips gently at Shaun’s lower lip. “How do you feel?”

Fine is on Shaun’s lips before he can think about it, but he stops himself from actually saying it. It’s the kind of banality he’d never let a sub get away with, and he owes Vax his honesty. “Excited. Nervous. A little… jumpy, maybe.”

Vax nods kindly, smoothing his hands down Shaun’s neck and shoulders. “I know that feeling very well. And I intend to try to get you out of your comfort zone a bit, but if you ever feel scared or anxious or anything like that, I want to know. You can use our word if you want, but you can also just tell me. I’ll listen. If I ask how you’re feeling, will you tell me? Honestly?”

Again, of course springs to Shaun’s lips, but it’s not an idle question, and it deserves a thoughtful answer. “I’ll do my best, little bird. I don’t have much practice from this side of things.”

“That’s all I ask, that you do your best.” He smiles. “This is sex, not therapy, but I just… I know this isn’t what you normally do, and I want to respect that.”

“Thank you,” Shaun says, already fighting the urge to resituate himself on the bed, let his hands find their place on Vax’s body. He’s not used to enforced stillness, to not being allowed to touch.

“Shall we get started?”

Shaun looks first at one hand, then the other where they rest on the headboard. “I thought we already had.”

“Already a bratty sub,” Vax sighs, but he’s grinning.

“Never,” Shaun teases back. “I’m thoroughly pliant and willing.”

“Willing, yes. Pliant… we’ll see.” Vax waggles his eyebrows and goes in for a kiss, a real one this time, deep and thorough. He wraps his whole body around Shaun’s the best he can with Shaun positioned the way he is, and Shaun groans against his mouth. He has to grip the bars harder to keep for reaching for Vax, from sliding his hands around Vax’s waist and holding him close. Shaun knew this would be challenging, not being able to touch Vax at will, and it’s already proving difficult.

Vax kisses him hungrily, with deep, searching sweeps of his tongue, and Shaun responds in kind. It’s good in the way that it is when they’re too tired or too lazy or too desperate for each other to set up a scene, when Shaun just relaxes and lets desire take them both where it will.

It’s not that he always has to have something planned or has to exert control over Vax for this to work, but gods, Vax is just so inspiring; it gives Shaun ideas. He can feel Vax hardening against his belly, can feel answering desire thickening his own cock, can already imagine Vax riding him with abandon, making Shaun watch as he selfishly takes his pleasure. It’s enough to make Shaun’s breath catch, imagining all the things Vax will have Shaun do for him, to him. Maybe Vax will fuck his mouth, or warm his cock on Shaun’s tongue for a while. As much as Vax wants, as long as he wants, until—

Vax pulls away with a regretful exhale. “Never get tired of that,” he sighs. “But I don’t want to get distracted. So the first thing I’m going to do is get rid of any distractions.”

With that, he shifts back on the bed, out of Shaun’s lap, and begins digging around in the sheets. He emerges victorious with a bottle of lube, and Shaun smirks. “What do you plan on doing with that, my beautiful boy?”

“I think… I don’t have to tell you,” Vax says playfully, pouring a liberal amount onto his palm.

Shaun expects him to draw the suspense out, but instead, Vax reaches down and takes his own cock in hand. “Gods, Shaun, what you do to me,” he sighs as his eyes slip closed and he starts to stroke himself. “What you always do to me.”

Vax leans back, bracing himself on one palm to give Shaun a good view. But despite the budding theatrics, he jerks himself quickly, with a practiced, rote motion. Shaun recognizes it as Vax trying to get himself off as efficiently as possible, no fuss. It makes Shaun sink his teeth into his lip to keep from saying Slower, my love. Go slower. We have all the time we want. Let yourself enjoy it.

But Vax clearly is enjoying it, his hips pushing up into the circle of his fist, and he lets out the soft, breathy sounds that Shaun knows very, very well. “Mmm, Shaun,” Vax moans, speeding his hand up. “Not gonna last long.”

“Wait,” Shaun says before he can think better of it, palms itching with the desire to reach for Vax. “Let me—”

“No,” Vax says, opening his eyes and grinning sharply. “I don’t think I will.”

He keeps grinning even as his eyes close again and his head tips back. His belly is trembling, his breath coming faster, and Shaun knows the signs, knows what’s going to happen even before Vax breathes his name one more time, hips jerking as he comes over his fist. Then he does slow down, switching to the long, tight strokes that he likes during climax, and that, at least, loosens some of the tension in Shaun’s chest, that Vax is looking out for himself, ensuring his own pleasure.

“Mmm,” Vax hums once his hands stills, stretching in satisfaction like a lazy cat. His eyes, when he opens them, are practically twinkling, and though Shaun expects to, perhaps, be instructed to lick his fingers clean, Vax simply reaches over to the nightstand for some tissues. “That was nice. Not earth-shattering, but nice. You’re good even when it’s just in my head.”

“What were you thinking about just now?” Shaun asks, sitting up taller in his position. “I’d be happy to make it a reality.”

“I’m sure you would,” Vax says lightly, tossing the crumpled tissues away. “But I’m not the one in the spotlight, and now I’ve been taken care of. The fun isn’t over just because I came. Or, depending on the day, get too worn out to come anymore.”

Shaun goes to open his mouth for a retort, because of course he would never leave Vax with nothing but a single orgasm by his own hand, not if he could help it. But he’s not the one deciding.

Vax kneels up, shuffling to get closer to Shaun once again. “Tell me, Shaun, which was harder: not being able to touch me while I did that, or not being in control of how I did it?”

With that question, Shaun’s brain manages to catch up to the reality of the situation. Vax has, in the space of a few minutes, changed the landscape completely by taking his own pleasure off the table. Yes, he could intend to simply tease Shaun until he can get hard again, but that’s not where this seems to be going, and Shaun feels like he’s gone to take the last step in a flight of stairs and missed the ground entirely.

He may, startlingly enough, have completely underestimated Vax.

“Shaun,” Vax says again, tone softer. “Will you answer me, if you can?”

“I,” he starts, his mouth too dry to continue. He swallows thickly. “Both were difficult. I wanted to touch you, of course, but more than that, I wanted to… slow you down. Make you really feel what you were doing. Enjoy it. You deserve that.”

Vax nods, corner of his mouth curling up in a small but genuine smile. “I’m proud of you for telling me that.”

Unexpectedly, it rankles a bit, hearing Vax say he’s proud of Shaun. Shaun’s been doing this so much longer, been perfecting his technique for nearly two decades — it’s Shaun’s job to be proud of Vax, not the other way around. But Shaun recognizes the uncomfortable flutter in his stomach for what it is, what it has to tell him, and just sits with it. This may be what Vax had meant about pushing him out of his comfort zone.

“And that was hard for you to hear just now, wasn’t it?” Vax asks, leaning in to kiss Shaun’s cheek.

“It was, little bird.”

“For me to be proud of you, it means I have to have some authority over you,” Vax murmurs, tucking Shaun’s hair behind his ear. “It means my opinion matters.”

“Of course it matters,” Shaun says, a little defensive despite himself. “I love you. Desperately. Extravagantly.”

“And I love you. And I’m so, so proud of you, Shaun,” Vax whispers right in his ear before applying his lips to Shaun’s neck.

There it is again, that prickly squirming sensation that wrings Shaun’s insides.

“I’m guessing,” Vax says from where he’s kissed down to Shaun’s shoulder, “that it’s kind of like how you never come when we’re playing in public.” Teeth on Shaun’s collarbone, firm enough to make him pull in a soft gasp. “Why you never fuck me — really fuck me — in front of other people. You’ll use your hands or your mouth or toys, but not your cock.”

It’s true that’s been a bit of a line for Shaun, one that he hasn’t crossed in a long time, but that particular public act just hasn’t come up. Or if it has, he’s redirected Vax toward other things. He hasn’t consciously rejected the notion; the thought of it just hasn’t felt right.

But Vax is still talking as he nips his way across Shaun’s chest. “And you always focus on me instead of letting me focus on you. You think I don’t want to show everyone at the club exactly how good I am at sucking dick? At sucking your dick?”

Shaun laughs, but it comes out hoarse. “You’re incredible, my perfect little bird.”

“I know, and I like doing it for you. But when I suggest it, you always find a way to steer me toward something else. Usually something that ends with me screaming through orgasm after orgasm until I’m a puddle of jelly, instead of anything that would make you feel vulnerable in public. In front of all the people who know and respect you.”

To say that it feels like the conversation is getting away from Shaun would be untrue, since he was never truly in control of it in the first place, but his chest tightens with… with something he doesn’t know how to name. “I didn’t know we were going to discuss— If you wanted, you could have always asked—”

“I know,” Vax says, raising his head, and there’s no censure in his expression, only gentle amusement. “Believe me, this isn’t a complaint. It isn’t a negotiation, either. I’m not asking for anything. I was just thinking about it the other day, and I wanted to tell you that I’ve noticed.”

For once in his life, Shaun’s at a complete loss for words. All he can think to do is squeeze his hands around the bars, but when he tries, he finds he can barely feel them. All the blood has drained out of them from holding them up. “Vax’ildan,” he says, barely keeping his voice from cracking. “My hands. They’re falling asleep. I don’t think I can—”

“Oh, Shaun, I’m so sorry,” Vax gasps. “Put them down, please.” As soon as Shaun does, Vax seizes his right hand and brings it between them, carefully rubbing feeling back into it. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, bending down to kiss each of Shaun’s fingertips, one after the other. “Rookie mistake. Are your hands alright?”

The pins and needles feel especially strange against the warm pressure of Vax’s lips, but it’s not unpleasant. If Shaun’s honest, his hands aren’t what’s truly uncomfortable about all of this. “Yes. But I don’t think I can hold them up for very long at a time.”

Vax nods, glancing around. “Of course, let’s figure something else out. I’d ask you to sit on them, but that might not be any better, and besides, I like having you spread out for me.”

Gods, the little furrow on Vax’s brow is painfully cute — it makes Shaun forget the squirming in his chest, and he wants to pull Vax in and kiss his forehead smooth. But that’s not what tonight is about. Still, if he can help Vax out, he will. “Would you like a suggestion, my love? Dom to dom?”

Vax lifts an eyebrow, but his mouth curls up, too. “I suppose I’ll allow it. Dom to dom.”

“Get a couple of scarves. You can tie one end of each to the bed rail, and I’ll hold on to the other end with my hands resting on the mattress. My hands won’t fall asleep, but I can keep them in place and you can still spread them as wide as you want them.”

“It’s almost like you’ve done this before,” Vax teases, leaning forward and favoring Shaun with a lingering kiss before pulling back and hopping up to fetch the scarves. It’s the work of a few moments to arrange them how Vax wants them, though it’s difficult for Shaun not to reach for him while his hands are free. It’s almost a relief when he can wrap the loose end of a scarf around each hand and hold on. “Is this better?”

“Much,” Shaun says, smiling down at Vax.

“Oh, I should have asked,” Vax says, face suddenly serious. “Are you okay to keep going?”

“My hands are fine now.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

For a moment, shock wars with pride in Shaun’s chest. He’s been paying attention, Shaun thinks, to everything I haven’t let him get away with. “I want to keep going, my gorgeous one.”

“Okay,” Vax says, straddling Shaun’s lap and taking Shaun’s face in his hands again. The slow smile that spreads across his face could light up half the continent.

“Fuck, Shaun, you are so beautiful,” Vax sighs, looking him over. “I know you know — you have a mirror and all — but I don’t think I tell you enough. In addition to being kind and gentle and strong and brilliant, you’re just… really fucking hot. If I’d met you outside the club, I don’t know if I would’ve had the courage to talk to you.”

“Oh, Vax’ildan,” Shaun says, letting his voice drop into his usual deep, flirtatious tone. They’re on more familiar ground here. “You think I would’ve let you get away without approaching you myself?”

Vax laughs, smoothing his hands down Shaun’s chest. “You are so far out of my league. That’s not self-deprecation, by the way — I think you might be out of everyone’s league. You’re in your own league. Your own sport. Okay, now I definitely don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“Oh, I think you’re doing just fine,” Shaun replies with exaggerated approval.

The way Vax’s eyes crinkle happily makes Shaun’s chest ache in the best way. “Like… like this,” Vax says, dragging his fingers through the thick hair on Shaun’s chest. “Teenage me is so incredibly jealous. Hell, current me is pretty damn jealous, too. There’s a part of me that despairs that I’ll never be this manly.”

Shaun goes to interject, but Vax cuts him off quickly. “Don’t get me wrong — I’m happy with my body. I like it, and I like how much you like it, but still…” He sighs wistfully, ruffling his fingers. “All three of my chest hairs can’t help but envy you.”

“There’s nothing wrong with—”

“And this,” Vax says, sliding his hands lower, to the bulge of Shaun’s belly. Nothing on Vax’s face changes, nor does his eminently fond tone of voice, but Shaun suddenly feels like the air’s been sucked out of the room. “I love how big you are, all over. Big arms, big chest, big belly, big hands.” He leans in to nip at Shaun’s earlobe. “Big cock. I love all of it. I love how much of you there is.”

Shaun’s mouth falls open. Surely Vax doesn’t know it, but even Shaun can be self-conscious at times, and his stomach… well, it’s not his favorite thing about himself. But Vax is continuing, “Love it when you pin me down. Oh, I know, you’re always very careful not to squash me, but I kind of wish you would. I don’t break easily, Shaun. I love feeling your weight on me, trapping me against the mattress. You could probably make me come just from grinding me face-down into the sheets, I swear.”

Vax’s hands are roaming now, over Shaun’s abdomen, his chest, his back. “I’ll have to try that some time,” Shaun says, but his voice sounds weak to his own ears.

“And I love all the little sensitive parts of your body that don’t get enough attention,” Vax sighs, moving his hands up Shaun’s sides and then down his arms. “The hollows of your elbows. The insides of your wrists. I’m certain you’ve touched every square inch of my body, but I’m not sure I’ve returned the favor. Have I ever touched the backs of your knees?”

Why would you want to touch the backs of my knees? Shaun thinks, but the words don’t quite make it out of his mouth. Instead, he says, “I… I don’t know.”

Vax looks down at where he’s sitting on Shaun’s thighs and frowns. “Well, we’re in the wrong position for it now and I like where I’m at, but I owe you that one. I’m serious, remind me. I’ve never given you a full-body massage, and that’s on me.”

Despite his love of all things luxurious, Shaun’s not usually one for massages — probably something there about exposure and lack of control — but to have Vax’s hands all over him? That… that could be arranged.

His train of thought is interrupted with another kiss, soft and lingering. “Hey,” Vax says, pulling back just enough to nudge his nose against Shaun’s. “You okay? I didn’t mean to put you too much in your head.”

“I…” Shaun starts, needing a moment to muster his voice. “This is just… a lot. I’m used to being the one doing the talking.” He tugs at the scarves. “And the touching.”

“I know,” Vax says softly. “And you’re doing really, really well at not doing that, by the way. I’m sure it’s not easy.”

Shaun takes a deep breath and lets it out. “It’s not. More so than I imagined.”

Vax takes Shaun’s face in his hands. “Do you want to stop?”

“You don’t—” need to keep asking me, is what Shaun thinks, but he catches himself when he realizes that of course Vax needs to keep asking him. Vax doesn’t know what’s going on in his head. “No, little bird. I want to keep going. I’m just… feeling a lot of things right now, and my brain is having some trouble keeping up.”

With a nod, Vax says, “I know, I need to get on with it. I did promise to get you off, not talk you to death. Can you lie back for me? You can let go of the scarves while we get rearranged.”

Happy to have something tangible to do, Shaun stretches his arms while Vax repositions them. Shaun ends up reclining against a small stack of pillows, elbows bent and hands loosely resting on either side of his head so he can hold onto the end of the scarves. Vax, sitting up next to him, surveys the scene and says, “Actually, you don’t need to keep holding onto them if you can keep your hands against the mattress.”

Shaun looks at Vax, completely naked and sitting so close, and sighs. “I think I’d prefer to have something to hold onto. If that’s alright with you.”

“Of course. Thanks for saying so. Are you comfortable?”

“Very.”

“Good.” Vax reaches out to touch Shaun’s face, fingertips cresting lightly over a cheekbone. “You look so good like this, Shaun, spread out like a blank canvas just for me. I think I understand why you like this so much, being in charge. I don’t think I could do it all the time, but I get it.” He scans all the way down Shaun’s body, then back up. “I know I’m mixing metaphors now, but it’s like the buffet just opened and I’m the only one in line.”

Shaun laughs, loud and genuine, amazed and grateful for Vax’s skill for lightening the mood, for giving Shaun some much-needed time to breathe. “I can’t say I’ve ever thought of it that way, but now I certainly will. I don’t suppose I could persuade you to go straight to dessert.”

Vax drapes himself along Shaun’s side, more touch than Shaun’s gotten this whole time, and rests his head on his own hand. “I seem to remember someone telling me that this was all dessert.”

Gods, that was months ago. Nearly a year, in fact. “I suppose someone did.”

Vax’s fingers play idly with Shaun’s chest hair. “I could suck you off — we’ve already established how much I enjoy that, and I’d guess that you’re pretty fond of it, too.” Before Shaun can respond, Vax continues, “But I think I’m enjoying talking to you too much for that. Usually when we do this, I can barely form a sentence. This is a pretty novel experience. How long do you think before I can make you forget how to string words together?”

Vax’s hand is straying lower now, fingers stroking the thick trail of hair that leads down from Shaun’s navel. His cock, never entirely uninterested whenever Vax is nearby and naked, is perking up even further. “Not long, I’d imagine,” Shaun says. “You’re very talented.”

With a laugh, Vax says, “Flattery will get you everywhere. The next question is: once I get you there, how long can I keep you there?” He pauses, clearly thinking. “Ah, I know.”

He rolls away from Shaun, but he’s only gone a moment while digging in the bedside table and coming back with a well-used jar of lube. It’s the good stuff, too, the kind of stuff that doesn’t play well with toys. Not the water-based stuff Vax used on himself earlier. Shaun almost speaks up, almost tells Vax not to bother because Shaun would rather save the good lube to use on Vax — but he stops himself.

“Hey, Shaun,” Vax says, and the slight frown on his face lets Shaun know that Vax caught him worrying, though he misidentifies the source. “I haven’t forgotten that penetration’s not on the table tonight. I just thought you deserved to have the fancy stuff used on you for once.” He bends down and kisses Shaun’s shoulder. “Still with me?”

“Yes,” Shaun says vehemently, resolving to stop second-guessing Vax in his head. “Yes. I apologize — staying present has been… more of a challenge than I anticipated.”

Vax smiles warmly. “Maybe I’ve been doing too much jabbering and not enough of this.” He hasn’t slicked his hand yet, but he reaches down and grasps Shaun’s cock, stroking so lightly it’s little more than a tease. But it’s also the first time Vax has directly touched his cock tonight, and it makes Shaun sigh with relief.

And Vax looks just as happy. “I want you to tell me what feels good, okay? I mean, I know in general, but specifically tonight. Can you do that for me?”

Shaun nods. It’s only a slight adjustment from hearing Vax say tell me what to do to hearing tell me what feels good, but the semantic difference feels wider than the linguistic one. He has to wait on Vax’s timing.

But Vax doesn’t prolong things unnecessarily, getting his fingers slick and returning them to Shaun’s cock with a firmer grip. Shaun can’t hold back a groan as Vax strokes him, hand pausing to toy with Shaun’s foreskin as he hardens. It makes Shaun’s stomach quiver, both the feeling and the sight of Vax’s slender hand wrapped around him. “That — oh — that’s good.”

“Thought it might be,” Vax says, nuzzling against Shaun’s jaw. Shaun can’t seem to tear his eyes away from Vax’s clever fingers rolling the foreskin gently up and down his glans.

Vax has a look of determination on his face, of singular focus as he teases the head of Shaun’s cock with his fingertips, and Shaun’s clearly responding to it. Soon, he’s throbbing hard in Vax’s hands.

“Gods, this always feels so good inside me,” Vax sighs, switching back to longer strokes. “I always thought size was a bit overrated ‘til you. Guess that’s what they mean by ‘it’s how you use it.’ You make me feel so full and tight. I love it when you play with my rim when you’re fucking me.”

Vax pauses, seeming to think of something, and reaches for the lube. He dips one slender forefinger in the jar, then touches it to the tip of Shaun’s cock, circling. Gently, he begins to nudge the tip of his finger beneath the foreskin, an unusual but not unpleasant sensation that makes Shaun suck in a quick breath. No, not unpleasant at all, he thinks as Vax begins to move his finger, now circling it right against the slick glans.

Vax has done this with his tongue, but somehow this feels different. For one, his tongue is smaller, flatter. Less of a stretch than his finger. For another, Vax can’t exactly watch himself do it with his tongue, but now he’s looking at his own hands in something like fascination as he works, fingertip rubbing underneath the head in a way that makes Shaun’s eyes roll back.

It feels unexpectedly intimate, perhaps because it’s slightly penetrative, and maybe Shaun has more hang-ups about that than he’s willing to acknowledge. But Vax is careful, glancing up at Shaun and asking, “Okay?”

Whatever he sees on Shaun’s face is causing him enough concern to ask, so Shaun forces himself to respond verbally. It isn’t easy, but Vax needs an answer. “Y-yes,” Shaun says. “Just… unexpected.”

Vax smiles softly, applying a little more pressure with his forefinger, and Shaun swears he can feel every ridge of Vax’s fingerprint against the most sensitive part of his body. It makes Shaun tremble, bringing his whole focus down to just that point of contact, even though Vax is straddling Shaun’s legs and gripping the base of his cock with his other hand. If he watches closely, he can see a thick bead of precum leak its way out of the tip of his cock and get swept away by the motion of Vax’s clever finger. Though Shaun’s not close to coming yet, he feels strung tight, barely able to breathe.

It’s almost a relief when Vax takes his finger away — almost, but not really, and Shaun misses the intensity of it, even though he’s able to breathe again. But Vax’s hands aren’t idle, and he’s using both of them to stroke Shaun slow and tight and very slick. It’s a much broader type of stimulation, less intense but ultimately more satisfying in the way it starts to build on itself, and Shaun lets himself groan.

“That’s better, huh?” Vax asks, teasing.

“Different,” Shaun says, surprised at how quickly the tension is coiling, though maybe he shouldn’t be. “Also good.”

“Glad to hear it.”

Shaun remembers what Vax had told him to do. “Your right hand. A little tighter would feel good. Just— oh, just like that.”

“Mmm, thanks for telling me,” Vax says, smiling cheekily, and before Shaun can process what’s happening, Vax ducks his head and flicks the point of his tongue against the slit at the tip of Shaun’s cock.

Shaun makes a strangled sound, half at the feeling and half at the way he’s just been rewarded. Vax may as well have said good boy and ruffled Shaun’s hair.

And, much to his shock and slight embarrassment, Shaun liked it.

“That too, little bird,” Shaun manages. “Always like your tongue.”

Vax grins sharply, his hands speeding up. “One of these days — maybe after that massage. One of these days, Shaun, I’m going to have to spread you open and rim you senseless. Work my tongue into you a little at a time.”

Shaun doesn’t know whether it’s just dirty talk, doesn’t even know if it’s something he himself would seriously be interested in, but in the moment, it works, and all he can think about is Vax’s strong, slick tongue pressing against him, into him, and he shudders. He’s getting close.

And then Vax’s hands pull away.

Before he can stop himself, Shaun whines as Vax climbs off of his legs. “Sorry, sorry,” Vax says quickly. “But I wanted to— here, bring your knees up and put your feet flat on the bed. Wanna watch you fuck my fist ‘til you come.”

It’s hard to argue with that, and when Shaun positions his legs as instructed, Vax kneels between them, repositioning both hands around Shaun’s cock.

And Shaun doesn’t need to be told twice.

“Fuck, yeah, like that,” Vax says, tone almost jubilant as Shaun starts thrusting up off the bed. “Godsdamn, Shaun, you look so good like this. I never get to just watch—I’m usually too busy getting fucked within an inch of my life.”

Shaun has to strain to hear him over the rush of blood in his ears. It’s not until he hears a creaking sound that he realizes he’s not just holding onto the scarves; he’s actively tugging on them, as though he could pull himself free to reach for Vax. But he isn’t held by anything other than Vax’s words, by his own willingness to obey them — a force stronger than even Shaun had realized.

He keeps his eyes on Vax even as he chases his climax, because there’s nowhere else he’d rather look. As a result, he’s watching Vax watch him, dark eyes flitting between Shaun’s cock pumping through his hands and Shaun’s face. “Come whenever you can,” Vax says softly. “I want to see it.”

There’s no one thing that ends it; it’s everything together: Vax’s strong hands and his hungry expression and the burn in Shaun’s thighs and the obscene creaking of the bed. As his orgasm starts to break over him, Shaun lets out a deep, unflattering grunt, too far gone to care what he sounds like. When he erupts over Vax’s hands, Vax bends down to mouth at the head of his cock, sending a tight shockwave through Shaun’s gut that makes his hips buck. But Vax is ready for it, giving Shaun’s cock a quick suck before backing off to wring the remainder of his climax out of him.

When it’s done, Shaun collapses back to the bed and just… rests. It’s an unfamiliar and almost unnatural feeling, having nothing to do in the moments after. Even though he doesn’t always start aftercare within seconds, he’s always got the thought running in the back of his head, looking for the right moment to gently pull away and tend to his partner and, typically, start cleaning up. There’s always something to do.

Without anything at all to do, Shaun feels strangely unmoored. He sees Vax move away, so he focuses on his body for the moment, on stretching his legs out and unclenching his hands from around the scarves. He looks at his palms—his short, neatly-trimmed nails didn’t break the skin, but he’s dug in crescent-moon marks that will probably take a while to fade.

Shaun doesn’t realize just how much he feels at loose ends until Vax comes back with a damp cloth, murmuring, “Sorry, sorry, I remembered you wanted this but then I left it in the bathroom.”

Shaun tries to remember what he’d mentioned in terms of aftercare. Definitely touch, definitely cleaning. Anything else? It had seemed entirely hypothetical at the time, even though Shaun knows exactly how important it is.

And Vax is touching him, carefully wiping his belly and his softening cock. Shaun shuts his eyes and swallows. This isn’t quite enough. Almost, but he needs something else. His heartbeat is still too loud, his breathing too rough. After having Vax’s voice fill the air all evening, the silence is oppressive. “Talk,” Shaun says, his voice shockingly ragged in his own ears. “Talk to me.”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” Vax says, looking pleasantly surprised. “You did so well, Shaun. I— I didn’t know if it was gonna be too much. If I was gonna be able to make you feel comfortable with this. I know you’re… out of practice at this side of things. And this isn’t as natural for you as, well, as what we usually do. But you were wonderful. I liked it so much. Well, we can talk about that later. We will talk about that later, I know, so I won’t…”

He keeps going, a gentle stream of warm, praise-filled chatter that affects Shaun more strongly with its tone than its content. Vax keeps talking, setting the cloth aside and picking up a blanket he left folded on the dresser. Shaun shakes his head at the blanket but holds his arms out for Vax, a part of his brain finally quieting when Vax stretches out half beside him, half on top of him.

Maybe what Shaun needs for aftercare is to have Vax pressed to him from head to toe. To be able to once again put his arms around Vax and hold him, as though Vax would try to escape the moment Shaun let go. The moment Shaun let his own arms be restrained.

“I’ve got you,” Vax murmurs, combing his fingers through Shaun’s hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”

That hits Shaun deep, how it was almost a direct answer to his own fears, the ones he can’t quite acknowledge consciously, let alone speak aloud. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, eyes burning with the sudden surge of emotion. For all the things he’d tried to take into account when Vax had asked for this, somehow, Shaun hadn’t thought it would affect him this deeply.

Vax is pressing kisses to Shaun’s cheek and jaw in between words, and after a few more deep breaths, Shaun turns, shifting onto his side so he can face Vax, tilt the man’s chin up, and kiss him. Vax immediately goes quiet, kissing back tenderly, cradling Shaun’s face in his hands.

Reluctantly needing air, Shaun pulls back, but Vax doesn’t let him go far.

“Hey,” he says, a fond smile on his face. “You back with me?”

Shaun nearly objects, unsure he went anywhere. But he supposes he can’t really remember what Vax has been saying to him, or how long it’s actually been since the scene ended, so he just says, “Yes, little bird. I’m all here.”

“Good, because I want to be sure you hear this.” Vax’s expression becomes strangely determined. “I still love you even when you aren’t actively making me feel good. I still love you when you’re not fucking me, or touching my cock, or making me writhe. I love what you do to me, but that’s not why I love you.”

Then why? is on the tip of Shaun’s tongue, joking but also not, though thankfully the words never make it past his lips.

“If we could never have kinky sex again, I’d… well, I’d be pretty fucking bummed about it for obvious reasons, but I wouldn’t stop loving you.” Vax sniffs, emotion welling up in his own eyes. “I love you because you make me feel more like myself. More at home in my own skin. Because I think I’ve learned more about what I want in the past year than I have in the twenty-four years before that, and I don’t just mean what I want in bed.”

Shaun knows he should say something to that, but he’s sabotaged by his own wants, by the thoughts he’s had about a future with Vax. His entire future with Vax. Asking Vax to move in with him. When the lease is up, looking for an actual house together, a place that can be theirs. A place where they can grow old together — or at least where Shaun can grow old, and Vax can tease him about the ever-increasing gray in his hair, and Shaun can wrap his arms around Vax and kiss him until he hasn’t got the breath for any more teasing.

“Sorry, I know that was a lot,” Vax says into the silence, laughing and quickly wiping at his eyes. “And maybe right after wasn’t the right time for it, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and part of the reason I asked for this was that I wanted to show you that I love you even when you’re not Shaun Gilmore, Professional Dom.” Shaun can hear the capital letters. “I love you when you’re just… Shaun. Even though you’re never really ‘just’ anything. So I’ll stop rambling now.”

To say Shaun is wrong-footed wouldn’t be quite accurate. It’s not that his charm is failing him; it’s just that it’s entirely inadequate at this moment. All he can say is, “I love you, too, Vax’ildan.”

“I know,” Vax says, kissing him quickly. “I’ve never doubted it, not since the first time you said it. And that’s… that’s new for me, not having doubts.”

There’s so much Shaun wants to say about how lucky he is, how hard he’s worked to get here, how full and blessed the majority of his life has been, and yet how he’s never felt more fulfilled than he does right now, just the two of them. And he still wants to ask for more, wants to tell Vax what he’s been thinking about. Ask if Vax has had the same thoughts about the future, or if he’d want to.

But there will be time for that — for now, Shaun just lets himself rest in the moment, held safe in Vax’s arms.

And then Vax makes an exasperated sound. “Shit, I think I’m falling down on the job here. Do you need anything? Water? That blanket? A foot rub?”

“Not right now, little bird,” Shaun says.

“Then would you mind if I got some water?” Vax asks, face uncertain. “I don’t want to ruin the moment, but that lube tasted fucking terrible and it’s, like, lingering on the back of my tongue.”

Shaun laughs, genuinely delighted at the lightened mood. Yet another reason he loves Vax — he keeps Shaun from taking himself too seriously. “Please do. I’ve run afoul of it myself.”

Vax grabs the water bottle — which, to his credit, he did remember to set on the nightstand — and takes a few swigs, gargling because he knows it’ll make Shaun laugh. And it does. Gods, it feels good to laugh.

## Afterword

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