## Preface

Look through a faithless eye, are you afraid to die?
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/29448402.

Rating:
  Mature
Archive Warning:
  Rape/Non-Con
Categories:
  Gen, M/M
Fandom:
  Critical Role (Web Series)
Relationship:
  Lucien & Essek Thelyss
Characters:
  Lucien (Critical Role), Essek Thelyss
Additional Tags:
  post ep 124, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Angst, Emotional Manipulation
Language:
  English
Series:
  Part 1 of Eyes betray the soul
Stats:
  Published: 2021-02-15 Words: 2,068 Chapters: 1/1

# Look through a faithless eye, are you afraid to die?

by PryingBlackbird

Summary

> Takes place after Ep 124

> His friends have left and Essek is alone again. Until a late night visitor shows up unannounced…

> Or: Lucien is quite mean to Essek. There is angst. And no escape.

Notes

> This story was inspired by this image: https://twitter.com/JulDoodles/status/1360585161772040192

> I realized that if I wanted to read fic based on it I had to write it myself, and so I gave it a shot.

> It didn’t turn out to become steaming smut as I originally intended (I never wrote smut, I don’t know how to smut yet, sorry, I'm working on it), instead it got darker, angstier and a little less explicit.

> The title is a lyrics from the song "Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist" by Muse

See the end of the work for more notes

## Look through a faithless eye, are you afraid to die?

Two nights ago the Mighty Nein showed up in his outpost, dumped a big pile of worrying information on him and then teleported away without saying goodbye.

He has been thinking about them every hour since then. Sometimes he’s not even sure they really visited him, or if he is just losing his mind.

He is barely able to trance anymore. It was already hard before, the fear of assassins coming to him in the night, or members of his own guard suddenly arresting him on behalf of their queen keeping him alert and awake. The noose around his nis neck is tightening with every passing day. The only question is who will kick his legs out under him eventually.

“Time. Not weeks, not years. It takes time.”

Time he doesn’t have.

And now…

“They are really dangerous. They can destroy magic. They almost killed all of us.”

He has seen what the Mighty Nein are capable of. Seeing how concerned and scared they were because of this Lucien and his Tomb Takers has terrified him to the core.

“Vess DeRogna was killed by Lucien, by himself.”

“Sort of on our watch…”

“...with barely lifting a finger.”

“While we slept.”

He still can’t quite handle the fact that his friends have lost the body of a dead arch mage of the Assembly and then ran to him. After failing to protect her from the man that is also on their trail.

"And you feel confident that this is not beyond you? Or us?"

“Oh, no, it's beyond us.”

“That's why we're here.”

But they are not here anymore. He is alone and the silence is crushing him.

“They're coming for you now.”

Veth’s words keep echoing through his mind over and over and over again. There are many capable warriors outside, watching, patrolling, defending. But… Vess DeRogna had been protected by the Mighty Nein. And she was dead.

And still, despite all the danger, the impossibility of their mission, he has agreed to help them without hesitation. Because he’d rather spend his last days with them, even though it cuts his life even shorter.

And then they teleported away without saying goodbye.

He thought about sending them a message, but he is scared of the reply. Of not getting a reply at all.

He is so scared. He has never been that scared in his entire life. The fear mixes with regret and guilt and hopeless longing. He has always enjoyed being by himself, but up here in the frozen north, the solitude slowly but steadily eats at his soul. They have shown him what he has lacked before, given him something to care about, something to love. And then they took it away by leaving.

He has lost everything and it is only a matter of time until one of his many mistakes catches up to him. His own people, the assassins of the Empire… And now, a deadly cult led by a man who can “destroy magic”.

The waiting is the worst part. Knowing that his days are numbered, that the weapon that will kill him is already out there, it just has to find his heart. It is torment.

Sometimes, late at night, he thinks around surrendering. Stepping before his queen and confessing his sins, have them execute him, be done with it. But he wouldn’t be able to bear the disappointment in her eyes, or in the eyes of his mother - as much as he hates her. And despite everything, he is still afraid of death, still clinging to life.

He lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling, replaying his conversations and encounters with the Mighty Nein over and over again in his mind. Their sudden disappearance left him bitter. He wants to believe they just did what he asked them to do, bring distance between them and him, but… It does not sit right with him. There is so much he wanted to say… Will he ever be able to tell them now?

As always it takes him hours to drift into a shallow, uneasy trance, but eventually the darkness embraces him.

He snaps out of it with a start when a cold breeze hits his face, lying there motionless, heart beating painfully fast. Listening. The breeze stops as the door shuts again and then there are footsteps. Escape, he has to escape. He raises his hands forming a spell, but the magic doesn’t come, the dimension door does not open. Panicked he sits up. His eyes widen as he sees the figure casually strolling towards him, lavender skin, horns, scars and tattoos, a glowing red eye on his exposed chest. Lucien. His lips are curled into a cruel smile.

They're coming for you now.

He tries to stay calm, tries to weigh his options but all he can feel is terror. His magic is his strength, without it he is just a fragile husk. He does not even trance with a weapon in arm’s reach, stupid, arrogant mage.

He swings his legs above the edge of the bed, wanting at least to face his intruder standing up instead of hiding under his blankets like a frightened child. The floor is cold under his bare feet.

“What do you want?” he asks, and his voice shakes more than he likes. He has been so good at keeping a straight face in the past, but the exhaustion makes it harder, as does the adrenaline.

Lucien grins, displaying his fangs and a blood red tongue, that licks over his lips, once, twice. He sees his tail swish left and right behind him.

“You.” he says with a nasty gleam in his eyes. “I want you.”

Essek steps away from the bed, around it, backwards, just away. Screw it he thinks and fills his lungs. “GUARDS!” he screams “HELP! INTRUDER HE….” With two quick steps Lucien is in front of him, reaching for his throat, cutting off his air. He actually lifts him a few centimeters off the ground and Essek begins to scratch at his outstretched arm, kicking and desperately trying to break free as red stars begin to dance in front of his eyes. His ears are ringing, there is pressure in his skull, white hot pain. He wants to scream, but there is no air in his lungs, blood fills his mouth…

“They won’t come.” Lucien says gently, almost apologetically. “Nobody will come. It’s just you and me now. I’ll let you down, but if you don’t behave I will have to punish you…” He winks at him and then lets go.

Essek falls to the ground, landing on his hands and knees, coughing up blood and gasping for air.

Lucien gives him only a few seconds to recover, then unceremoniously grabs his hair and pulls him up on his knees.

Essek’s hands are restrained and he realizes that Lucien has wrapped his tail around his wrists, pulling them together and holding them firmly in place. The other man is towering over him now, slowly getting down on his own knees to bring their faces very close together. Their lips almost touch.

Essek has always been uncomfortable with physical contact, allowing it from no one - until he met the Mighty Nein. He grew to enjoy Jester’s hugs, and Caleb’s subtle touches, the kiss on his forehead… But all of that had been brief and gentle and born of love.

What happened now was intrusive and wrong and it makes him feel claustrophobic and sick. He can feel Lucien’s breath on his face, smell the faint coppery scent of blood. The other man is warm, his skin radiating an unusual amount of heat.

“I was curious about you.” Lucien says, his lips still only an inch away from his own. “They have been talking about you, talking about fleeing towards you, after they jumped ship on our little operation, when they realized the stakes were too high for their taste. I wanted to see with my own eyes if you really are oh so special…”

Essek is shaking now, trying to break free without hope. Lucien’s hand is under his chin, forcing him to look up into his eyes, his other hand entangled in his hair. He is locked in place.

“You still think they are your friends, don’t you? They abandoned you little elf. They might have pretended to care about you, but they are but a bunch of cowards. Entertaining enough for a while, easily seduced, but ultimately useless. The wizard one has this condescending streak to him, I’m sure you’re attracted to that as well. It was especially fun to make him crawl for me as he was sucking my cock...”

Essek feels like he is about to throw up.

No. This can’t be true.

It can’t. Be. True.

It can’t.

“Oh my… You are in love with him. How… adorable. How… tragic.” Lucien’s voice is soft, understanding, and commiserative.

Essek presses his lips together, knowing that the color of his burning cheeks will give him away anyway. It’s humiliating. This stranger sees it while the person he is in love with never picked it up. And now he will probably never find out. Maybe it’s for the best.

For a moment his eyes dart through the room again, hoping for the impossible, for them to kick the door down and come to his rescue.

“They won’t come.” Lucien says. “Nobody will come. You’re with me now. They threw you away, like they threw me away after I was of no use to them anymore. Like they throw anyone away in the end. They are selfish and arrogant. They don’t care about others, although I have to give it to them they are very good at pretending.”

No. No, lies, these are lies. Lies. They care for him, they are his friends, they did not turn him in when he told them about his treason, they were kind to him, they… They…

They have not contacted him for weeks and weeks after the talk they had on the boat.

They have left shortly after they have shown up here, even though they have agreed to spend the night.

They did not say goodbye.

They're coming for you now.

Was this their plan all along? To shake off their pursuers? Leading them to him instead? One more group of people making him into their scapegoat?

He remembers Caleb’s hand on his arm, the gentle touch of his fingers against his face. “Just breathe.”

He tries to, but his chest hurts so badly now that he is barely able to draw breath. Had Caleb deceived him all this time? Was this last moment between them just an expression of pity?

Lucien’s hands are all over him now, ripping apart the soft shirt he slept in, exposing his chest and running one sharp fingernail over his skin. Essek closes his eyes for a moment, trying to shut everything out, but it doesn’t work. Of course it doesn’t work. This is his reality now.

“Do you think your little human would be jealous if we fucked? Do you think he would care if someone played with his discarded toy?” Lucien’s slowly hand runs down his chest. “I never fucked an elf before.”

“What. Do you. Want?” Essek presses out between clenched teeth, feeling a tear running down his cheek. “If you came here to kill me then…”

“Ts ts ts…” Lucien places a finger on his lips. “Why would I want to kill you? No, that would be such a waste. You know… Your little wizard whore ran away before I was finished with him. Alright then. No more games, it’s not fun if you don’t play. Let’s get to the business part of this meeting.”

Lucien holds him down on his knees with a firm hand on his shoulder, slips behind him. One hand is around his throat again, sharp fingernails biting into his skin, holding him in place. Essek’s hands are still held behind his back, try as he might, he is not able to escape the firm grip. He feels the tiefling’s breath on his neck as he leans closer.

“You are hungry for knowledge are you not?” He suddenly slaps a book on the floor in front of him with his free hand, opens it to the first page, covered in arcane diagrams.

“Here, let me teach you something new.”

## Afterword

End Notes

> This story now has a second part that has more smut and less angst.

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments always cheer me up and keep me going.

> I’m also always happy to chat about all things CR, find me on twitter or tumblr as @PryingBlackbird

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