per our last exchange, i'll try talking to you then my reply to what you last said is that friendship isn't in how u feel about someone but rather how u treat em. i can't accept your sentiment of being my friend if u side against me on a serious conflict w/o talking to me about it. it is just my opinion but it's a generally held one

it's also unimportant if i accept that sentiment or not

i consider you to have done some things in your position as mod that amount to torturing me, but i am trying to move past those feelings and keep open dialogues because i think they always help if one side feels something can be achieved and things aren't going in circles

idk what you think of my keep talking essay but i think it's really good and the world would be a better place if more people thought that way

i got frustrated talking to you because you would avoid the question on serious issues. the question that i most wanted an answer to was what you thought of my appeal. idk what you think about this complaint

(this complaint being that you avoid the question)

my stance on my ban hasn't changed 1. i didn't care that i'd been banned from "community forums" at all, and you would think that this means that a reasonable compromise could've been reached 2. the ban from leaderboards was aggravating but not a deal-breaker. if anything, i'd happily do you a deal whereby if i am allowed to submit ils and rta then i'll continue the lowkey il modding i was doing before, correcting the many data errors that have accumulated in the past month since i've noticed the il mods have basically stopped verifying ils. i track the sheet to keep up with the il meta as a kind of spectator 3. the free use of the word "abuse", equating me with lumardy via 9 months, and enabling people to bully me into a cancellation, me losing idk how many friends, is extremely serious shit for me. i'm aware u don't know what i said to 1ups that was so bad despite intervening on the situation, and i already had the history of alienation that i wrote about in my untitled-unmastered essay (scroll to late 2021), PLUS the exact same thing happening with lumardy pretending to be a victim and me losing idk how many friends. i don't go on about this for nothing and there's no delusion i have to let go of. i accept this will keep happening and i intend to kill myself when i feel comfortable doing that. but until such a time, i will talk about it to cope with it, and so i'm not going to leave 1ups alone. it was your choice to do this and u may never see the error in it unless i kill myself but that's just how it is

anyway that's maybe a lot to open with but take your time. i'm just doing any%, watching the world cup, and am gonna start tackling this stuff with 1ups a bit more

achh slight correction to #1. the reason i didn't care about being banned from discords and the like is that lumardy finally left. it was worth it.

i had some insightful chats with tareq where he basically told me that and i realised it's how i felt. it was always my guilty pleasure exploiting his astute reads on people and situations to back up my own points against bingo players and the like, even tho tareq also does a lot of lying and hateful immature shit

Hey

I agree this is a lot to open with

I've read it and will continue to process it in time but I'm not sure I have the ability to do much of that atm as it is finals week, I hope that is understandable

be relaxed, just address bit by bit, i'll keep track :p

but sure, that's np

I do want to say I hear you though, and I do recognize that your feelings toward me probably aren't the most positive presently

When I called you my friend I truly did mean that. I didn't mean to say that you considered it mutual, though.

I can't speak for you in that way and if I did that would've been a pretty terrible read on my part

All that I can say is that I'm doing my best to be there for you where I can

and that's not always easy

but the intention is there and it is pure, I hope that is recognizable

and hearing you talk about the inevitably of killing yourself is really really hard for me

I've reached out to you about that in the past so I hope there's no question about that

before any of this went down

i didn't think u meant i considered u a friend, dw. and i can hopefully recognise gestures of friendship, yes, but i'd say i tend to read into actions rather than intention. but there's never any expectation from me so it's nothing to worry about

and r.e. how i feel about people, i think i've matured well to be able to get over feelings of hatred and such and talk after emotions stabilise. as such i prolly can't be read into much on what i actually think about my collocutor but it means that even if lumardy wanted to talk to me, i'd be all over it

i just don't believe in ever really being done with people, no matter what they do. not loving or liking is ok, not wanting to talk to hostile people etc., but i think i can always just say what i think to anyone when asked, and hope people will listen when i have something to say

can be a very good skill to have

I value keeping communication open too, although it can be really hard for me at times

and yeah, there's no question of you having reached out about that, thanks for doing so. it's not inevitable if that helps, but it's a conviction i've had for a long time, not something i say in fleeting moments of distress, and i don't seek out discussions about it in general

I kinda figured that, based on how casually you will mention it

It does help a little that you don't think it's inevitable

it's been hard for me as well, and i made a mess of a bunch of situations by becoming too agitated to talk. but i realised i get over these things. i would block people for a while then unblock, or say to people like pk, don't dm me now but we can talk in 2 months if u want

It still worries me a lot though

yeah that's a very respectable thing to do

There are few people that I've cut communication off with in my life. Not because of getting over it or some noble cause for open communication though, more out of feeling of obligation and responsibility

it pushes me a lot sometimes in that sense

it's probably not super healthy

your description of that is a little vague; i can imagine what u mean about feeling responsible leading to stopping talking but i don't understand wym by it pushing you

like a pressure y'know

it's overwhelming to expose yourself to social interactions you don't want to do

just because of a sense of responsibility

it gets to be a bit much, basically

especially emotionally heavy ones

I put myself in that position more often than I should

this happens. i think it's acceptable to say to someone that you don't feel capable of handling a heavy convo well and that person may not get what ey's looking for out of it

yeah for sure

that comes with some of it's own problems much of the time, unfortunately

but that's super tangential

I just need to learn to step away some days haha

I always felt shitty when I wasn't able to answer one of your questions, for the record. The position I am in trying to be a friend to you and a mod for the community is an incredibly sticky one. It's been hard trying to reconcile the personal, more selfish, desire to do everything I possibly can to help you, and the more objective & detached obligation to do what is right by the community at large.

I want so badly to see you return in the future man

And I have no intentions of leaving you to rot in the meantime either

I'm not only offering an ongoing personal connection but I also actively want to help you work towards a return. But I can't do either without your participation.

like i said earlier right, you have a very specific view of the ban and how you want to see me handle it that doesn't match up well with my life experiences and who i am

i don't think it's really possible to rehabilitate people in this way. it comes across almost like a lobotomy. to be accepted by this community, to be not considered discomforting to talk to for no reason, to tolerate being bullied and being ostracised, to let my friends walk over me, support my abusers etc.

i didn't keep that option open purely cos i didn't want to undermine my own desire to not be alive in 9 months' time

and also, it's kind of dumb to do that when lumardy already showed i can lose friends for no reason just from being as i am, which is the same thing that underlay the bingo bullying – a rejection of my personality

the jer block and jukatox comment proved it again

i dread to think what i would have to do to be acceptable to 1ups to ever make a return

I don't see why 1ups would decide that?

considering all i did was yell at her. "you're the most disloyal friend i've ever had. xyz is not your friend [i am supposed to be]"

it's weird, like, everything you say doesn't fit what people in your community think

ask urbani whether mlarvitar or jer should decide whether he should be in the community

you have a practical reality where you let people bully, manipulate and run premeditated ostracisations on each other, and are asking me to believe in the prospect of coming back

I'm really confused what you mean by the urbani comment

or I guess that and the everything I say comment together

What am I saying

urbani is an analogy i'd like to bring in. assuming we are agreed that his time has been served and he has full right to be back in the community (which may be a contentious point depending on how much you consider what he did abuse). is it realistic for him to be back when jer is writing toxic essays about him with the support of half the community? is he meant to have thick skin against hate?

Urbani is able to appeal now yes

I would agree that if he returns then it is very problematic for people to be writing toxic essays about him

I'm confused why you think we'd be okay with people harassing him like that

by comparison with what you let mlarvitar and jpep do to me, which i documented

i mean, likewise the toxic essay against urbani itself. if you consider it permissible cos he is banned then ok

i find that a bit abhorrent tbh

> I always felt shitty when I wasn't able to answer one of your questions, for the record. This is a different topic now but I have stuff to say when the time for it comes

If it's okay I think I'd like to retreat for the night. I still have work to do yet before bed. I also have a very busy day tomorrow (final, homework, family member's birthday, self care), so I don't know if I can continue it for a while but I hope this can do for now.

at your pace, gn

take care

something else to think about – what does rehabilitating me to be part of the sms community again look like to you? what changes do you want to effect in me?

https://t.co/yhR1yzBR7J i'd like to talk one day about this idea in relation to me and 1ups also happy birthday, rooting for you to feel better https://t.co/yhR1yzBR7J

Thanks man. Exam stress is over now btw so we can chat more easily soon

Tryna get to this but caught up dealing with some issues of my own

You ask about "rehabilitation". I will say that, on a personal level and not as a moderator, I think it would be really really helpful to have like a professional that you can open up to about things. I don't know if you have one already, but you talk a bit about having an incompatible personality and other things in that vein. I think it could be beneficial to work with someone more equipped to help you find ways of working within the confines of the limitations you are seeing.

Merry Christmas shout

merry christmas

i thought you'd said more but this is at least easy to answer

the reason i don't actively seek therapy (only passively, like if it finds me) is cos i think it's unwise to keep trying to work within those limitations

and i'd just be buying myself more futile painful effort trying

i live within a shroud that isolates my inner self from other people. i cant express what i am to others properly and get overrun... by adhd, by manipulators, abusers etc

because i cant command attention, counter manipulate, or control my triggering communication style rsp.

therefore i cant make intimacy work in friendships for example. anything could go the way 1ups went for example. so i become reliant on some kinds of loss-cutting safety, like say making sure lumardy is exposed or no1 is working at dismantling my friendships, even jeff in his role of getting bullies off the hook

so yeah fuck trying to make that work. 14 years ive been trying. lumardy was really the last straw and everything after just kept reminding me that it wont stop until i do something to stop it

oh one more thing

the shroud is obviously an unfortunate thing. i think it's aspergers and wish someone had had the sense to get it checked out before it defined my life in this way. but i blame other people for my failed life much more than myself. i just couldn't get past human nature, whether it was capitalist exploitation or the intense ego issues that led to my online ostracisations. try to smooth things over between me and jeff for example and you find you literally can't, even tho i barely did anything to him. my personality could have been adapted around by the world but it was not and i have to accept that

> 2. the ban from leaderboards was aggravating but not a deal-breaker. if anything, i'd happily do you a deal whereby if i am allowed to submit ils and rta then i'll continue the lowkey il modding i was doing before, correcting the many data errors that have accumulated in the past month since i've noticed the il mods have basically stopped verifying ils. i track the sheet to keep up with the il meta as a kind of spectator do we have a deal? i have shit to submit, preferably before next year

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, I've been suspecting myself of being on the autism spectrum more and more lately. It's really hard to tell because I think I've become rather good, at least in the environments I exist in, at socializing effectively. I am seeking a psychiatrist as we speak to help me identify what's up, and looking forward to having a name to place to the symptoms.

It might be frustrating for you and probably seem hopeless, but I think it's important to take every step you can. It might not work out, you might already know it won't work out, but if for no other reason than the possibility that you could be wrong it is worth it to try.

At least that's my opinion

I really want to see you find your own place in the world, in your own way. You might be ready to give up in yourself but I absolutely am not

the reason i dont try is bc trying is a distraction, which makes my initiative barrier problem worse. it motivates me to procrastinate to wait and see how things go. i have enough of these distractions im struggling with already r.e. sms stuff and some music stuff

i wont comment anymore on this strand cos im having my usual aggravation about you being selective about what you reply to

> > > I always felt shitty when I wasn't able to answer one of your questions, for the record. > This is a different topic now but I have stuff to say when the time for it comes this is relevant again. the issue isnt that you keep secrets per se. its that u cant communicate that you are doing that and candidly confront my questions. i just get so much air from you. and it leaves me with basic questions like why u never responded to the evidence and responses i gave u about my own ban when some of your fellow mods replied like decent ppl – maybe, since they made an excuse to not deal with it, that doesnt count?

I'm not being selective right now, just taking things one topic at a time

If you are suggesting that I should have said something along the lines of "I can't comment on that" instead being radio silent, fair enough. Although I'm not sure why you didn't express this sooner. I could definitely have done that, and can try to do that more often in the future.

Although I will say, with regards to you mentioning other mods, the vibe that I've gotten is that I've been the most communicative with you overall. There's just some things I couldn't talk about, and I wasn't really sure the best to handle that to be quite honest with you. I tried to be upfront with you from the very beginning that there were things I simply could not talk about, it's in our DM history. My main objective talking to you, as a moderator, is to communicate the things you tell me to the team for consideration. My main objective talking to you as a friend is to try to build a foundation to get you out of this mess, and ensure you aren't left behind or without a voice. I don't really know if that clears up anything you didn't already know.

> do we have a deal? i have shit to submit, preferably before next year We don't, leaderboard ban is currently precedent and we're not really interested in the il modding anyway. Should the leaderboard ban ever be lifted, it would be due to a re-evaluation of our policies, not in exchange for labor.

your leaderboard answer is so strange lol. i was there when this precedent was established. the point of it is to disincentivise banned players from playing. in which case idk wtf u were doing in my stream. you can't just say "precedent" when justifying a decision because precedent is a repeated logical deduction, not a repeated outcome. so try to actually explain yourself

likewise, try to actually explain why you can't answer my counterarguments about my ban. explain for each doc separately.

and yeah i was tryin to offer u an out in your culture problem of caring so much about drama over competence as mods by helping you correct major errors u still have on the il sheet. i had to tell someone else to fix a few cos i cba to work around them all in my own trackers

The point of a leaderboard ban has nothing to do with trying to stop people from playing the game. We have no control over that, and we don't pretend to. Not that we'd even want that to begin with. The leaderboard ban is to deny banned players use of community resources, as they are removed from community engagement. Not the activity of speedrunning itself. We only police community spaces.

it's influence not control. and don't talk to me like i wasn't there for the ban discussion ahead of releasing the zoomer doc

why do you want to deny me specifically use of community resources?

you speak of a forum ban on one hand and then apply it to resources that have no interactive element

what even is the difference between me having a stale time up on a leaderboard and a new time

I recognize you feel the leaderboard is fundamentally different from something like a forum, and I think you're already aware that I share that take so you know I sympathize. But that is simply not how we as a team see it.

i doubt that

noki doki doesn't tend to have such stupid opinions

so if you raise that discussion you would probably deadlock

the rationale for keeping people away from leaderboards is founded on protecting the feelings of victims of abuse and that same reasoning indicates that you don't engage in abusers' chats, or do anything similar that encourages their presence or continued interaction with the game itself and so naturally the community

it's predicated on the idea that abuse happened. i think by now it's clear that i didn't abuse anyone but i will repost what i sent 1ups to remove her victim status

if you're dealing with non-abusers then principles of restorative justice say you target your ban to where the issue happened, i.e. keep me away from community spaces where arguments took place

I'll double check with the team to ensure I am correct when I say that is our stance, since you seem very confident that it is not

I'm pretty sure though

i just think it's likely neutral from knowing noki doki and lego

but yeah to conclude, there is nothing restorative about banning me from leaderboards for what was literally only a set of arguments

and especially with the pretending that i abused people, i feel like the mods are joining jpitar and 1ups, as with lumardy and scatter in the past, as with the construction site next to my house for the past 3 years, in basically leaning on my neck until i give out

i can't understand the reluctance to have honest conversations and actually engage with the pain this shit's put me through. the selfish motives winning out despite having put me in such a bad place. not talking about you with the last sentence but i think lego is like that for example

people just systematically not caring about me in this way is reason #2 for desired suicide

I promise you we don't want you to "give out". I'm trying to figure out what more I can do to help you but my options are rather limited. I'm not trained to deal with this, and you don't want to find somebody that is. This has become a much larger knot than I feel prepared to untangle, just thinking about how far it's gone is exhausting for me. I've raised the discussion about the merit of leaderboard bans, though. I'll update you as to our stance when everybody has chimed in. Obviously this doesn't mean things will change, but as always I am listening. I hope that helps.

ty

like i said in my earliest messages here, this is a minor nuisance compared to the much more serious problem of pretending about abuse and ostracising me. there is a level of agency you have in that given you literally wrote in public that i had abused people. these ostracisation dynamics, the jpitar stuff say, is itself a kind of abuse that you are tasked to prevent as a mod. that's why i see you all as complicit in it

i get that calling what i did to jeff abuse is a good way to signal severity and get me to face up to it but things changed after that was associated with the private stuff, the lying and stuff ppl did, the impressions the public got. that's what i mean

i think it's always useful for me to document my suffering but it's not your responsibility. i'm tryna focus more on the ethics of concrete situations, tho they can still be overwhelming cos something like ostracisation does have serious implications that have to be confronted

i've spent a year thinking about the ethics around cancelling zoomers, lu, urbani and myself

i just noticed lumardy returned again. happy new year hahhahahaha

At the current moment lumardy is still banned

have you ever considered more sensitive ways of phrasing these things lmao

but yeah lego promised me he wouldn't unban him but idk, i don't trust him

the issue has always been this apparent lack of understanding of what lumardy did that was such a big deal

How would you recommend I have phrased it?

seeing people like noki and dith follow him it's like... i'm bad because larvitar sicked his discord on me, or cos i hurt the pure 1ups. it's not what i or lu actually did

down for advice

with some compassion i think. idk if you've tried putting yourself in my shoes

I could preface it with something but I'm not really sure what would be best in this situation

why did you only ban him for 9 months anyway. if you're handing out 9 month bans to me and urbani over (comparatively) nothing

Rest assured that your banning has literally no bearing on w/e happens with lu, though. I'm not sure if that was a concern but if it is let me shut it down immediately.

it already has socially. it's his get out of jail free card regardless of if u unban him

the thing is like, when i write to you about cases involving jpep, mlarvitar, dutchj, awesomo, i do expect to be treated as a victim. to be given compassion and not spoken to in such i-won't-reveal-anything bureaucratic terms

I mean that is fair

so the same goes here. i have no idea for the life of me why the penny still hasn't dropped on the severity of what lu did

it's not like i'll be indignant if you ask me to explain it

I have a real case; i'm not appealing to smoke and mirrors the way jpitar have about 1ups

i will disclose absolutely all of that to prove my point

/digression

I don't mean to lack compassion in my responses shout

it's not my intention and it certainly isn't directed at you

i can read that from your communication style so don't worry

I struggle a lot with compassion, just generally speaking

it's a sensitive point for me cos of how 1ups treated me

especially expression of it

i'm trying though I really am

i see you

isn't it sad that things went so wrong for me from pretty much just this, the expression of compassion

i was being difficult as a victim but it wasn't insanely bad

It's not just that though shout

i just wanted compassion to not be expressed as bullying (bingo) or 1ups' egocentric rants and avoiding discussion of supporting lumardy's friends

plenty of people that struggle with compassion... aren't banned, y'know

you understand me the wrong way round

ok

it was from not receiving compassion that i became so destabilised

I see

i hope you understand that it isn't possible for lumardy to change

when he attacked me with that il, he made up a barrage of lies to our mutual friend to explain his behaviour. then i caught him and he declared he was leaving permanently to let me recover

I mean personally I'm a strong believer in personal growth and change. Whether lumardy is there right now though is a very different question

all i want in the world is a chance to normalise things with everyone i hurt to not be the one who loses to this

i don't think u get it... people who have such serious ego disorders and problems with premeditated long-term lying is like

way beyond your pay-grade to even entertain the risk that they might have changed

in my opinion

this is what is meant when it is said that people don't change

I mean yeah that's a fair stance to hold. And I'm well aware I have a very bold point of view but it's rather fundamental to my worldview. Strong roots in my life.

this isn't the same as the kinds of issues i have. although even then i imagine you would see that some of the fundamental problems i have aren't likely to change

but i digress from that, distraction

Happy new year shout, I hope to see a great 2023 for you

idk what your thoughts are when u said "that is fair" earlier, like will this just go the way it's always gone where you say "rest assured we discussed it"

That statement was twofold: you deserve more compassion, and your frustrations are valid

so what's next

Pertaining to what exactly

We've been over a bit of stuff at this point

discussing these situations where i'm victim with me. starting to answer my question about why you were so lenient with banning my abuser

it gets awfully tiring raising opinions and getting no feedback

i would have taken the ban for what i did to 1ups if there'd been actual discussion and some level of mandate

and i'm literally here to discuss lu. to even let him contribute

it's so awful writing about this premeditated cutting out of friend groups and having no idea if ppl think you're insane for comparing it to like a sexual abuse situation

i'm not gonna take it badly if people are honest with me

Ban durations get decided by mod vote after extensive discussion and sharing of perspective/opinions/etc. about stuff like harm caused, people affected, etc. etc. the finer details are literally from months ago so to have a nuanced discussion that I feel comfortable talking about specifics on I'd need to dig stuff up

are you able to off-the-cuff explain the gist of what lu did?

I think I still could to a reasonable degree, obviously not as well as you could. I'd rather not on mobile with these stupid gloves though

all that matters is how well you can explain it... because that's what explains the mod response

I suspect I'll be consulting old discussion and your write-up a lot in the coming weeks given lu's allowed to appeal now

why is he allowed to appeal given i was assured he would stay banned while lego is still mod?

i just got a notification saying guy2308 went live with the blurb "shoutplenty mode"

idk what to make of it

Me neither

maybe referencing that you're still active and streaming despite ban?

sure yeah

congrats on being an inspiration I think? lmao

i know he doesn't like me so it's w/e

As for the appeal, information changes and it's important to recognize that. I'm sure Lego felt very strongly about lu's ban when that happened but it would be very problematic to shut down conversation with lu. Besides, Lego is only one mod on the team.

I'm gonna start walking home now

i'll catch up in a bit

talking is something you should always do even when there is a permabanned

*ban

cya

keep me in the loop

I will, shout. Regardless of what happens I will keep you in the loop. As the victim in this scenario you're very very important and being banned doesn't change that

i would request that all mods have a group dm with me before making any decisions. i'll get back on discord or w/e

> Besides, Lego is only one mod on the team. he told me "I can confidently say that as long as I am a mod, lumardy will never be allowed back into the community."

so yah ngl i wonder if youve been asleep looking at the same evidence as him and being like "oh we might unban this guy"

idk how much more evidence i need to provide, like, the lying he did in september, or maybe i publish his sexual harassment directed at 1ups

in a few days i may tweet an analysis of him post-ban

I'm definitely in favor of such a group dm if the time comes, will be sure to forward the request

id appreciate having the convo anyway cos itd help my takes to stop being so one-sided. its really eroded my sanity just looking at this thinking did i get abused? how am i supposed to react to this?

do u have an update on this? even if he doesn't appeal i'd rather be a little more proactive about it

plus i have questions to ask about other cases i submitted

I've brought it up but I don't have a response for you yet, no. If you have any immediate concerns as always feel free to send them my way

i would prefer for you to review and resentence his case at my behest rather than his. this also given that you have one mod who has committed to doing that in private. it would make a big difference to do it in public

a large part of why i fell out with 1ups is she would never confront issues around the fact that lu wasn't simply going to go away. part of my letter criticised her for whitewashing what he did in the one public message she wrote

and, bear in mind, this was the only message anybody wrote

so i would appreciate the *support* of anyone who is willing to review the case, to stand by me in my view of it

there are a lot of nuances around cancel culture and who should do what that should be explored, cos i don't wanna come on like jer and make inappropriate demands purely from emotion

but i am p convinced this case merits a permanent ban at this point, and informing other speedrunning communities of what happened and just having it out there would help me feel better in the short time i plan to stick around

also i have dissociated enough to be able to have these level-headed convos about it and not get mad at the mods

i am going to write a statement on the case at some point this month, and i would be happy with some level of involvement from anyone who is respected in the community bc ppl tend to think i'm lying thanks to jpitar's manipulation game

Do you feel like you have new information to add that hasn't previously been brought to our attention? We've been reading everything you've put out, if that isn't clear.

i have new info to bring both around lu and 1ups, tho the latter isn't relevant to lu. the former is a mix of new facts and me wanting to share my interpretation of the case so far, in a conversation before writing anything down in a doc

writing docs is a way worse method of communicating than conversation for me

seeing nokidoki like lu's tweets i'm like

wow here's the mod who put no effort into understanding my case

he's probably still in scatter's discord

i'm not mad. i just heavily encourage doing a group dm to set some things straight

again imo, if one doesn't think what lu did to me was worse than what guy did to any specific individual then i think one's reasoning about the case wrongly

so let's talk

most ppl i talk to find the case cryptic so i'd like to try to simplify it in conversational setting

Can you provide like a brief summary of the new information

no

Without some sort of outline of what you want to share and why, we're going to decline your request at this time. We simply aren't convinced a group DM will be useful or worth organizing, and cannot decide without more information. We'll still reach out to you for consultation before making any final decisions involving the case, and of course I'll always read and forward anything you need.

hey look. i sent all the mods friend requests. if they accept then i can add them to a group dm! very easy

the outline is that he told a bunch of lies in september. you're tryna reach for a reason to unban him, right? so best you know about this!

i've also told you repeatedly i'm not well able to communicate these things in non-interactive conversations soooo your decision here has an ableist connotation as well

and it's like you've not understood why things between me and jeff got so bad and whose fault it was primarily (all of yours)

i am vibing out that people are increasingly disliking the way you've been treating me as mods so watch out that you don't get fucked unbanning lu w/o talking to me first

so many times now you've turned down a group dm and how has it ended every one of those times?

I feel like you're being rather aggressive right now and I would prefer continue this conversation another time.

i would honestly prefer to have a couple of neutral observers in the chat as well to help it to not end as badly as it always has done

if you think this is aggressive 🙄 relax a bit, remember i'm the victim of serious abuse, that i've been entirely level-headed with you, and come back and try again

oh this is kinda important but it didn't cross my mind till now for some reason. you can't have noki doki participate in your private jury sessions at all because of conflict of interest

just curious, do u know why lu dipped from twitter again? didn't see if anyth happened, just saw this curious reply lol https://t.co/12KHuIHzP2

i don't monitor his twitch u kno. he selectively deletes vods, and i always wonder why. when i caught him bullying me in september, it was cos he made a highlight and so went to the effort of having me see it. who knows what's going on these days

it's been fun going a year knowing he isn't sorry and resents me for being gone for 9 months. just will never get away from him

* for him being gone

fixed my p1 best segment as per request, now 2:19.69

i will always lose about 0.7 to you to hesitating on shooting early 4th tho. dunno if i wanna learn to fluidly do that

but yeah i realised i need to learn coarse visuals for my depth positioning, as well as the fine one i already use. so just some intuition on tile spacings so i can identify correct depth more quickly

maybe its 1s on the hesitation actually